Overloaded, Exhausted, and Ready for a Reset: 3 Doctors Give Their Best Advice

I feel like I'm losing myself a little more every day. (instrumental music plays) No matter how hard I try, I'm always behind. (record scratch) Does that sound familiar? You're waking up before everybody else in the house, and immediately what's happening, you're up in your mind and you're triaging the day. You're going through, like, okay, the kids, and my parents, and then I gotta do this, and then I gotta do this. Caring for kids of any age, or aging parents, or you're caring for a spouse, and you're juggling all of that while d- holding down a job or managing your own health, or keeping the house together because you have to. The reason you feel so low is not because you're failing. It's because you're caring for everyone else, and no one's caring for you. I want this to stop. I'm bringing you three of the most experienced medical experts that I know that are going to teach you what you need to know that will help you get yourself back. They're not gonna just hand you another checklist. They're giving you permission to stop doing everything. You don't get an award if you run yourself into the ground. You are not just a caregiver. You're a person, and you deserve to matter too. (clock ticking) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you are here. I'm excited for our conversation today because this is a topic I've been wanting to cover for a while with you. And look, it's always such an honor to spend this time together. I'm excited to be here with you. And if you're new to the podcast, I just wanted to take a moment to personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm really glad that you chose to be here today. And because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I already know about you. First of all, you're someone who values your time, and you don't have a lot of time because you're busy taking care of everybody else, but yet you're still here looking for ways that you can find time for yourself, but also keep showing up for everyone else without completely losing yourself in the process. And if you're here right now because someone shared this episode with you, well, let me point out a couple things. First of all, that means that there's someone in your life that sees how much weight you're carrying, and they're worried about you, and they knew that if you listened, that this would empower you, because there's nothing more important that you could spend your time listening to or watching right now than the conversation that you and I are about to have today. Mm-hmm. Let me tell you why. There are three world-renowned experts who have shown up today for you, and all three of these medical experts, I want you to know something, they're not just giving you advice from some textbook. They're also parents, they're also caregivers of their aging parents, in addition to being remarkable medical doctors that are very busy at work, just like you are. And so they're here today with the validation, and they are here today with the very simple little changes, both in your mindset and some things that you can do that are gonna make a big difference for where you are right now in terms of the amount of caregiving that you're having to do. And you wanna know what breaks my heart about this? Like, you're drowning, but you keep blaming yourself for not swimming harder. And le- let me see if any of this sounds familiar. First of all, you probably wake up before anybody else in the household, right? And you do it because you're thinking, "Okay, I, I can have a little bit of time for myself." But what happens instead? 5:30 the alarm goes off, and immediately you start mentally triaging the day. Mentally, you're already going through all the things that you need to do for the kids. You're going through all the things that you need to do for your mom or your dad if you're taking care of them. "Oh my gosh, did mom get her dinner last night? Did she refill her medication? We had her parent-teacher conferences today. Did I pack the backpacks?" Already your brain is in it for other people. You're scattered, you're feeling anxious, you're feeling behind, and your friend Mel Robbins, you know what? I'm gonna put a word right now in here too, because you probably won't say this. Maybe you feel a little resentful. Maybe you feel a little frustrated, 'cause unlike your girlfriends who don't have aging parents, maybe they're able to do a yoga class, maybe they're able to get out for a walk. But you can't because there's nobody to help and there's nobody to do this, and that's how you start your day. And then you spend the next 90 minutes trying to get everybody else out the door, right? Somebody's melting down. Mom's wandering around the kitchen, or maybe she's already texting you, "Are you gonna stop by today?" And then you snap at somebody and you feel a little guilty that you can't hold it all together. There's no time to pull it together because there's a bazillion different directions. And then you're at work, and when you're at work, it's all about what needs to get done at work because they're paying you for your time. But then comes that one moment in the day where you think, "Okay, I'm gonna get a little break. I'm gonna have a lunch break. Oh my God, a lunch break." But what do you do with your lunch break? Oh, well, maybe you're running to the grocery store because that's the only time you have to do, like, a 15-minute sprint through the grocery store to grab enough for everybody. Or maybe you spend 25 minutes sitting on hold with the insurance company. Or maybe you're calling the doctor's office because you missed the well appointment for the kids, and so now you're sitting on your lunch break on hold caregiving for everybody else. Now it's back to work 'cause you're getting paid to work, and then you get home and the second job starts. You gotta take care of everybody. You got laundry to do, you got dinner to make, you got dogs to feed, you got a house to pick up. Oh my God, are you exhausted yet? I know I am. And when is it that you actually have a moment to yourself? 9:30? 10:00? And that's while you're folding laundry as you're watching a series? And then you collapse? And let me guess, let me guess. This is the only thing that goes according to plan any day, right? You wake up like clockwork at, meh, 2:00, 3:00 AM, and the thoughts are racing. And so if you're feeling helpless, and angry, and stuck, and resentful, you're doing it right. Like, honestly, you are. Like, this is... 'Cause you gotta wake up in the morning and do it all over again.If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. And if that doesn't sound familiar, but there's someone in your life who is currently in that caregiving cycle, I want you to text this to them or email it to them and say, "Holy cow, I just listened to this episode with Mel and I had no idea. I am, I am so sorry you're going through this. I think this might help." And there are small things that you're going to learn that you can do today, changes to your mindset, changes to the way that you take care of yourself in the middle of all of the things that are on your plate right now. And so I decided I really wanna help, because here's the first thing I want you to know, you're doing a great job. Like, with all the stuff that you have going on, the fact that you're still standing, I just wanna like... (claps) Bravo. Bravo. And you might notice if you're watching on YouTube, I've got stains all over my sweatshirt right now. This morning, I reached over my eggs and I just smashed my sweatshirt into ketchup. And you know what I thought? I thought, "This is perfect." Because how many times have you spilled coffee on yourself as you're racing out the door because you've been caring for everybody else and you don't even have time to clean it up? So, I was like, "I'm just gonna wipe the ketchup off my sweatshirt and wear it just as is, because isn't that the life of a caregiver?" Of course it is. And that's what I kept thinking about as I kept reading all of these letters that were pouring in. I mean, I've just got... You can hear it. There's, like, 50 pages of letters, right? And so the first thing that I wanna tell you, there is a name for this. I did not make up this name, but there is a name for this particular type of stress and this frustration and this isolation, and I'm gonna say it again, this resentment that you are allowed to feel when you are dealing with something called caregiver syndrome. And it's sometimes called caregiver stress or caregiver burnout. And once I read about this, I was like, "Well, that makes perfect sense." Because caregiver syndrome happens when the responsibilities of caring for someone else, whether it's your kids, your spouse, your parents, the pets, all of it, begins to take a toll on your health, your mood, and your sense of self. And check this out. Based on the research, even distance caregiving is a thing. Like, if you've got a kid who's struggling and they don't live near you, you're worried about them all the time. If you have an aging parent, even if you're able to put them into some kind of care facility, you're thinking about them all the time. And so you can have the same symptoms that are affecting your health and your mood and your stress even if you're not directly caring for your kids or your spouse or your parent when they're in a situation where they need care. So, you might feel tired all the time even when you're rested and then you're kind of like, "What's wrong with me?" And so I just wanna start out by listing some of the most common symptoms of what the medical experts call caregiver syndrome. Because what you're about to learn from one of our medical experts is that this is a particular type of stress. And here are some of the common symptoms. You're constantly tired, even after you've had a full night's sleep. You have trouble concentrating or staying organized. Oh, here's a big one. This one is like a ding, ding, ding for your friend Mel. You're irritable. Mm-hmm. You're short-tempered. Well, of course, 'cause you're fried from taking care of everybody. You feel emotionally numb or detached. You're losing interest in the things you used to enjoy. That one creeps up on you. And next thing you know, you feel like all you do is care for people and you haven't been to your book club in six months. You start withdrawing from friends and family or social situations, or you might notice that there's a change in appetite, or you're having trouble sleeping, or the sleep patterns are different, or maybe you're getting sick more often. And you keep going, "Oh, the allergy season is really bad this year." No, maybe it's caregiver syndrome. Maybe it's not the, uh, pollen in the air. Maybe you're so worn down that you don't even realize it. You start to feel like your needs don't matter. And here's a big one. Oh my gosh. You feel guilty when you take any time for yourself. I want you to know something. You're not alone and you're not doing anything wrong. You're doing too much for too long without enough support. I wanna share some statistics with you to really normalize how common this is. The Bureau of Labor and Statistics put out a study about this, and here's some of the findings. 7.1 million Americans provide unpaid elder care. To put this in perspective, that means 14% of the US population is providing unpaid elder care. If you're a caregiver, you probably spend an average of 3.6 hours a day helping someone else. If you're caring for a spouse, that number jumps to six hours a day. And check this out. 71% of you that are caregiving are the sole caregiver. That means you're the one juggling the medication, the money, the appointments, the logistics, the guilt, the exhaustion, then the feeling that you gotta be there all the time while you're still trying to be present as a partner, a parent, or at a job. It's important to acknowledge that this is a particular type of stress, and there are three reasons why the stress feels so different than any other type of stress. First of all, it's the loneliness. Like, you feel like nobody gets it. You're surrounded by people all the time, and yet you feel alone in this responsibility. The experts will tell you this, and I also see it in your emails and the research backs it up. 27% of caregivers, that's more than six million people in the United States, say they feel lonely. That loneliness is linked to an increase in depression and anxiety, and even physical health problems. The second reason why caregiver stress is its own unique kind of stress is because the stress doesn't end.It's chronic. I mean, when you're taking care of an aging parent or little children, there's no finish line. You don't get to just, like, clock out like you do at work. You don't get to hit the pause button. It's constant. That's why it's wearing you down to the extent that it does, and that's why you gotta look at this differently and attack it differently. And finally, the reason why this stress is so different than other forms of stress you may experience in your life is it's reshaping your relationships, because you're not just a daughter or a partner or a parent anymore. You're the nurse, you're the driver, you're the advocate, you're the assistant. You're the one who has to keep it all together. You're the cook. You may be even the medical person who's having to clean sheets and clean up your mom or dad or give them a bath, and the weight of that changes everything between you and the person that you're caring for. And look, I see this in your emails. I see that you're isolated. I see that you're exhausted. I see that your relationships are strained. And the thing that bothers me is I also see that you're making yourself wrong over it. Well, that's gonna end today. Today, I'm going to introduce you to these three amazing experts that are going to teach you what you need to know that will help you get yourself back. They're not gonna just hand you another checklist. That's not what we're doing today. They're giving you permission to stop doing everything, and I'm so excited to introduce you to the very first expert, Dr. Aditi Nerurkar. She is somebody who's not just an expert, but holy cow, is she living it. Dr. Aditi is a Harvard physician, a mom, and a leading voice on stress and burnout. And one of the reasons why I asked Dr. Aditi to be here today with us is because she's one of the first people that I've seen publicly really highlighting the specific type of stress that you feel if you're a caregiver, whether it's caring for young kids as a parent or caring for an aging parent. We don't talk a lot a- and validate the stress that you feel when you're caring for young kids, and that's why I wanted Dr. Aditi to be here. You're about to hear her citing the Surgeon General's advisory from 2024 that talks specifically about the kind of stress that you feel when you're caring for young children or you're caring for aging parents. Here's Dr. Aditi.