The Science of Gratitude & 6 Surprising Ways You’re Getting It Wrong | Mel Robbins

(ticking sound) There is a topic I so want to unpack with you that we're going to talk about today. What is it? Well, we're going to talk about the difference between genuine gratitude and toxic gratitude. There are six forms of toxic gratitude. I engage in all six of them. (laughs) Didn't even realize it. First, I'm going to tell you what all six are, and then I'm going to go one by one and explain them, and I'm also going to share with you the takeaway that you need so that you can stop doing this. (instrumental music) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so grateful that you tuned in today. I mean, like, really legitimately grateful. I have a hilarious story to tell you about what happened to me this morning. But more importantly, there is a topic I so want to unpack with you that we're going to talk about today. What is it? Well, we're going to talk about the difference between genuine gratitude, the kind that you and I need to be practicing, the kind of gratitude that really improves your life, and toxic gratitude. Now, believe it or not, I was very surprised to learn in researching this show that there are six forms of toxic gratitude. And another thing that I was very surprised to learn is that I engage in all six of them. (laughs) Didn't even realize it. And so in unpacking these six ways that we use gratitude in a toxic manner, it's kind of like toxic positivity, but this goes even a layer deeper. Um, you're gonna, I think, have a couple epiphanies about your own behavior or the behavior of other people, and the reason why you should care about this is because genuine gratitude is one of those things that you and I need in our toolkit. And if we're doing it wrong, or we're engaging in toxic gratitude, we are not getting the benefit of genuine gratitude. We are also using something that could be a force for good to be a force for bad stuff to happen in your life. And so we're going to end that today. And the way that we're going to begin the conversation, though, is we're going to begin with a story, okay? Because this morning was freaking crazy. I came down to New York City yesterday and, um, stayed the night because I am really excited that the Mel Robbins podcast was selected by Good Morning America as their podcast of the month. So, we come down from southern Vermont. We spend the night in a hotel. I am sound asleep, and at 3:48 in the morning, the freaking fire alarm goes off in the hotel. And it's so loud, it's like (makes fire alarm sounds) . And my first thought was, is it already 6:30? Because that's the time that I had set my alarm for. And then I realized, oh my gosh, it's the fire alarm. And in my elementary school education, we went through fire drills so often. I don't know why we did, but there were constant fire drills. And how many times did you have to stop, drop, and roll? Like, I literally thought stop, drop, and rolling was going to be a skill that I would use all the time in my adult life. So, immediately elementary school Mel takes over and it's as if the principal was coming over the loudspeaker and the hotel management is like, "Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have detected that the fire alarm is going off. We are investigating. The New York City Fire Department is on its way. Please stay in your room and await further instructions." Who on earth is going to stay in their damn room when that is happening at 3:48 AM in a high rise hotel in New York City? Well, I'll tell you, Mel Robbins certainly is not. So, I scramble around my hotel room, and these days I sleep naked because I'm constantly having hot flashes, and so I'm soaking wet because I've soaked through the bed sheets and I'm trying to find my tights. Thankfully, I had laid out my exercise tights. I pull them on, I pull on a T-shirt without a bra, I put on my sneakers, I put on my favorite necklace, and I run out of my door. Now, I do not get in the elevator because I have had training as an elementary school student that if you're ever in a fire in a building with an elevator, you do not get into the elevator. So, I go down eight flights of stairs, and I push open the door. And when I push open the door to the lobby, I startle the gentleman that is working at the front desk. He's like, "Ah!" And I was surprised there wasn't already a party down there. Like, as I was going down the stairs, I was thinking, I'm going to be late, there's gonna be a ton of people down there. We're all going to be in robes and PJ's, and I got to get down there. And I'm not smelling smoke, but I get down there, I am the only person in the lobby. The only one out of an entire New York City hotel. There is one person in the entire hotel who has decided to leave their room, and it is Mel Robbins. (laughs) The fire trucks show up, and as the fire trucks show up, it was really cute, a family of six, they had gotten up too because they had their kids in strollers, and I could tell they had gotten up in a hurry because shirts were inside out and their shoes, they, they... You know, when you put your shoes on really quickly and you have to like slide your feet in and you, you stamp your heel down and they flatten your shoes so they become almost like mules instead of sneakers? All six of them had on shoes like that. And then as the fire truck, uh, the firemen start walking in, a second couple come down, tourists from Australia. And it was at that moment that we heard the manager go, "Attention, attention, this is the hotel manager. Everything is okay. It's a false alarm. Thank you for your patience. Good night, ladies and gentlemen." That was it. So, I get in the elevator, and I look in the mirror in the elevator, and you want to know what? It's now like 4:06.I'm wearing my exercise tights, not only inside out, but backwards, so the label is right on my stomach, (laughs) facing out, and my T-shirt is inside out and backwards. Okay. Thankfully, nobody was in the lobby to notice. So I go back to bed. Now, what happens next? Well, my alarm goes off at 6:30, but I am such a- a daze that I don't even know if I heard it. I don't know if I heard it and turned it off. I didn't even remember waking up. And then I wake up again, and it is 6:55, and I realize, "Oh my God, I have registered for a PureBarre class, and it starts in five minutes." And Amy, who is my colleague, is probably waiting for me in the lobby. And so I immediately pull on my clothes. It is now 6:57. I see Amy has texted me, "Are you coming?" I then text her, "I'm running. Hold a spot. Grab me socks." And I go out the door. Now, I am panicking, and here's why. Have you ever been to a Barre class? A Barre class is a very unique animal, because typically, if you are late to a Barre class, you are treated as though you have been cut from a New York City Ballet tryout. How dare you show up? Very strict, very precise. And so oftentimes, a lot of the studios have a very strict and precise staff. And so I'm sprinting down the street in my clothing. I gotta run two York- two New York City blocks, and I am not in any kind of running shape whatsoever, so I'm sweating, I'm huffing and puffing. I'm imagining a scenario where I roll into class five minutes late, the person at the front desk, "Halt! Who goes there? No one goes in class. Not you. Don't be late." And so I'm going anyway. I'm gonna try, 'cause I really wanna exercise, 'cause it- it's gonna help me do better on Good Morning America this morning, and it's a big morning. And so I am huffing and puffing. I get to the building. I run up the second flight of stairs. I am fully out of shape, and about to have cardiac arrest at this point. And I go blowing through the front door, and there is a human rainbow, sunshine, goodness, sitting at the front desk. And I will add that if JVN, you know, from, uh, Queer Eye, if he had a doppelganger, is sitting at the front desk. And he has the biggest smile, and he says, "Your friend Amy is all waiting for you." And I'm like, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." And when I tell you, he just had this radiating goodness. It was as if he put his arms energetically around me, like a beautiful blanket, warm and kind. And we walked toward the studio, and he was just so loving. He's like, "Honey, here- here's your little, you know, here's your thing." And I'm like, "Oh, no, no, I'm just oh, let's put the tennies right here. Oh, and Amy's already got you set up." "Do you have a hairband? Do you have a hairband? I forgot a hairband." "Oh, honey, right here." And he was so calm, and he was so grounding and so loving. I mean, I just felt like I was in the hands of somebody divine. And he put his arm around me and walked me into the exercise studio, and there was Amy, and they had set me up, and Amy had even bought me a pair of those sticky socks, so we had matching rainbow stocks. Happy Pride, everybody. I just felt so appreciative and so much love for not only Amy, but Judah, who had walked me in with his arm around my shoulder. I mean, wow. It was the exact opposite of what I had been bracing for. I leave class, and I feel so moved by how I was treated, by the energy exchange, by the care and the generosity and his spirit, that I had to thank him. And so I walk up to the desk, and I say, "I am just so grateful for you. You are like a human ray of sunshine. You are warm, and you're caring, and you're so generous with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you." And what I was expressing was genuine gratitude. And so as we were leaving, I stopped by the front desk, and I asked him his name, and he said it was Judah. And we had this incredible back and forth. And so I wanted to tell you that, because what I experienced and what I expressed to Judah this morning is an example of what researchers call genuine gratitude. And I'm gonna unpack what genuine gratitude is, according to the research. How you practice it, the common mistakes that we make. And as it happens, you know I believe in synchronicities. Judah smiled wide and he said, "Well, when you walked in, I was busy writing out my gratitude list for the morning." (laughs) And I do think it's important to spread positivity, to be a force for good. And so I have a surprise, because he was so cool that I asked him what are his top three takeaways when it comes to being a force for good and having such calming, positive energy? And he has three takeaways for you, so you're gonna wanna listen all the way to the end so you can hear Judah, the human-... ray of sunshine, and he's got one practice that is a physical practice that you will love. He has a second technique that I would call a meaningful mantra, and he has a third technique that will really get you thinking about how to make it personal, and I can't wait for you to hear those three takeaways. But let's go back to unpacking genuine gratitude, because I personally found the research around gratitude and what it is and what it isn't to be a helpful place to start before you and I jump into the six types of toxic gratitude that I certainly am guilty of engaging in, and I bet you're gonna recognize some of them too. When you start to look into the research around gratitude, all roads lead to a guy named Robert Emmons, and he's a psychologist and a professor at University of California Davis that researches gratitude. Like, that's what this guy is known for. And his definition of gratitude is that gratitude is a deep appreciation for what you have received, whether you're receiving something tangible or intangible, and you acknowledge in a moment of genuine gratitude that this thing that you've received is coming from outside of you. And one of the really important takeaways from decades of his research is that gratitude will strengthen every single relationship that you have, because gratitude usually requires you to notice how other people or the universe or some higher power or nature, how it is supporting and affirming you. And when you are practicing genuine gratitude in this manner, it has this other benefit. It will literally rewire your brain when you do it correctly. This is based on decades of research, and there's a reason why. First of all, the major benefit is you're teaching yourself to scan the world for the positive instead of constantly scanning for the negative. So for example, let's go back to my story this morning. When I was racing late to the barre studio, I was scanning the world for the negative, wasn't I? And what was happening? I was sweating, I was stressed, I was panting and hyperventilating. I was bracing for the worst. I was probably jacking up my cortisol. I was reaffirming a negative experience, which created a negative experience in my body. Genuine gratitude is when you're noticing and appreciating what's happening around you, and that triggers a positive chain of events. There are four different types of neurotransmitters that get stimulated, and here's the thing that's super cool. It stimulates dopamine, which we know is the molecule of motivation. A lot of people talk about it as the happy thing. It has more to do with craving, but we'll talk about that on another episode. Oxytocin, which we know is that feel good hormone. It reduces cortisol, which is the stress hormone, and it also triggers the flow of norepinephrine. I cannot say this word. Norepinephine? Noreepinephrine? (laughs) You know what I'm talking about. I, uh, it's the energy hormone, and I cannot say it. Thank you, dyslexia. And what happens when all of these feel good hormones and the neurotransmitters like dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine, whatever the heck it's called, you still love me, you feel calmer, you feel brighter, you feel more focused, which in turn makes you feel healthier. It makes you feel happier. It helps with decision making. It helps you with focus. And so there's such a profound chain reaction that happens in your mind. And the second that I started to feel this wave of appreciation toward Judah and how he was taking care of me, I was expressing and feeling genuine gratitude. It did shift how I felt in my body. I did feel calmer. I did start to focus and feel more focused on the positive about the class. I felt a deep level of connection to this person that I had just met seconds ago, and that is the benefit that is available to you. And there are three specific ways, based on the research, that you can turn on this incredible genuine gratitude effect in your life. The first one is when you use genuine gratitude to look backwards, so you use it in a past base, and we talk about this a lot on the Mel Robbins podcast. You look backwards at the lessons in your life, right? So you're looking at a negative or challenging or heartbreaking situation. You acknowledge the negative and challenge and heartbreaking thing that happened to you, and then you see how it shaped you, and you feel this wave of calm take over so that the genuine gratitude and the lesson that you see, it's almost like, you know, back in the past, there was this massive mountain in front of you, and now that you look back with gratitude, you can see that the mountain is behind you, and you see everything that you gained from scaling that mountain, and you know how hard it was. But you can stand in genuine gratitude now that you look back in the past. That's one way that you reprogram your mind. Another way is the present. We just talked about that with the example this morning. As it was happening, the warm smile, his tone of voice, how, how calming his energy was, how inviting he was treating me. In the present, I was claiming and naming the fact that this blessing seemed to be happening for me in real time, and I let the positive energy wash over me. And then finally, you can use this same genuine gratitude practice to scan the future.And you may have something really challenging going on. Maybe you just lost somebody that you love, or you're about to start something new, like a job or a new school, or maybe you're going through a breakup, and you look out on the open road and there's a lot of unknown and you feel a lot of fear. You can harness genuine gratitude in that moment, not to wipe away the fear, but to help lift you up and balance it out, knowing that with the right attitude and with the right actions, you will be able to face this next mountain in front of you and scale it, and it'll be behind you, even though it's gonna be a challenge to climb it. That's how you can use it. Now, one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about toxic gratitude in particular, and the six different ways that I'm personally guilty of practicing, I don't even know if you practice it, you just engage in toxic gratitude, right? Is because gratitude, to me, feels like it's reached the jump the shark moment, and for those of you that may be too young to understand the Happy Days reference, it just means that something has gone way overboard, it's no longer in, it's out, but gratitude needs to be in, genuine gratitude does. But we've gone so far overboard and you know how I know? When you walk into TJ Maxx or HomeGoods, or Target for that matter, and there are a bunch of pillows that have "gratitude" on them on the clearance rack, we have all gone way too overboard on the gratitude train, and it also means that we are not doing it correctly, because gratitude is a deep, deep, deep experience and it's deeply personal. And I will admit to you, I have in fact bought a pillow off of the clearance rack at HomeGoods. Mine did not say "gratitude," they said "thankful." And I want to explain that for a minute, because had they had pillows on sale two years ago that said "gratitude," I would have bought the "gratitude" ones instead of the "thankful" ones, because there's an important difference based on Professor Edmonds' research at UC Davis that explains the difference between gratitude and being thankful. And you're gonna want to know this, because it will help you really understand the six types of toxic gratitude that we all engage in. So when we come back after hearing a short word from our sponsors, I'm gonna explain the key difference between being thankful and being genuinely grateful, and then we're gonna unpack the six forms of toxic gratitude that you need to knock off, you need to know about, and then we got three amazing takeaways for how you too can cultivate a genuine gratitude practice, based on the research. We'll be right back. Welcome back. I'm Elle Robbins. Today, you and I are talking about the research that explains what genuine gratitude is, and the six forms of toxic gratitude that I engage in, that lots of people engage in, that you need to stop doing in your life. And also, you want to stay till the end, because we got three takeaways for you to implement into your own life to have a genuine gratitude practice. All right. So I promised that I would unpack the difference between being thankful versus genuine gratitude. Okay? You ready? So being thankful, think about this as something transactional that's just sort of on the surface. Because if you're thankful, it's automatic, it's in the moment, and it's sort of like good manners, right? It's almost that you expect someone to be thankful. If somebody, for example, holds the elevator door for you, you're not grateful. You're thankful. You say "thanks." And the second the doors close, you forget that you said "thanks" and they forget that you said "thanks" because they expected you to say "thanks" because they held the door open and so there was an expectation that you would thank them for something like that. That is what it means to be thankful. It's transactional, it's automatic, it's momentary. The second you express the thanks, (snaps fingers) emotions are gone. Gratitude, something else different, something else entirely. Genuine gratitude is when you are deeply moved, when the emotion that you feel, the emotion of appreciation, the emotion of being connected, either to another human being or some larger force that you can't explain, the emotion lingers. And the other thing that's important about gratitude is that it's not expected in the moment from anyone else, and oftentimes moments of genuine gratitude, they take you by pure surprise. And the other thing that's so important is that the impact is lasting. It's like a, uh, uh, a positive energy buzz. And so let's go back to the example this morning with Judah. I was deeply moved by how kind he was. I was so moved that even when I was in class and my quads were quivering and I was huffing and puffing as I'm doing this barre class, I was still thinking and feeling this emotion of appreciation for how I was welcomed late into the studio and how I was taken care of. And when I stopped by the desk and I called, uh, Judah "a human ray of sunshine," he wasn't expecting that. He smiled wide. He might have been expecting a thank you, but no, I expressed this deep, deep emotion, and I think you can tell, because this happened-... just a couple hours ago. I'm still buzzing from the appreciation and the, I guess, what you would call the dopamine rush and the, uh, oxytocin and the epinephrine, or whatever you call that thing that is the energy drug. Like, it is lingering in me. That's how I know it is genuine gratitude. And there is this connection that happens. When you have a situation where you express genuine gratitude, you feel deeply connected to the energy of the other person, and you're gonna feel that when you hear the message that Judah has for you and the three takeaways that he has for you about gratitude. Let me give you one more example of f- being thankful versus being grateful. Let's say that you're in an area where there's a huge snowstorm, and next door to you, there is a ... You have an elderly neighbor, and you go over in the morning after shoveling your own steps and your own drive, and you shovel the steps of your neighbor. When you're done shoveling the steps, can we just be honest with one another? You kind of expect a thank you, right? You'd be sort of like, "Meh. What a rude person," if they didn't open up the door and say thank you or didn't wander over later and say thank you. That's what I mean by the nature of a thank you. It's transactional. It's expected. You kind of expect it to be something automatic in a moment. That's not how gratitude works. Gratitude is the woman opening the door and coming down and hugging you and putting her hands on your shoulders and looking you in the eye and telling you, "The last time somebody shoveled my walk was when my son was alive. Thank you so much. I am so grateful that you took care of me this morning." You can feel the fact that she's deeply moved. You can feel the lingering emotion. You didn't expect that, but you now have this lasting kind of buzz, feel-good thing too, don't you? That is genuine gratitude, and I don't even need to explain the research. When you cultivate those moments for yourself in your day-to-day life, it changes how you move through your day-to-day life. That's why this is such a profound practice. And one of the mistakes that people make when they, quote, "have a gratitude practice" is they're really writing down things that they're thankful for. "I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for my kids. I'm thankful for my job. I'm thankful for this. I'm thankful for that." That's not practicing genuine gratitude. Genuine gratitude is something very specific. It is deeply filled with emotion. It is named, it is expressed, and it is felt in a lingering way, and so if you're somebody that's writing down three to five things, that's wonderful, but stop writing down the same five things everybody does, which is, "I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my house. I'm grateful for the blue sky. I'm grateful for this." No, no, no. Make it super specific. "I am so grateful for my daughter, who always calls me out on the ugly clothing that I wear, even though I hate hearing it in the moment, because she wants me to feel and look my best." Wow, that kind of works a little bit, even though it's a very odd example. I say that because my daughter picked out my outfit for Good Morning America, and I kind of second-guessed her, but she was right. So I'm sitting here very grateful because I got a lot of compliments on my bell-bottom jeans and my red T-shirt that I wore to Good Morning America today, and I have a lingering buzz about it. So there's an example, specific example and why. What is it about the thing that you're grateful for? What is the emotion it conjures up? That's how you can practice it in the written form by yourself, but just ticking off things you're thankful for, you're not getting the benefit. Now let's go a layer deeper on the negative. Let's talk toxic gratitude. Yes, there is such a thing as toxic gratitude. We've all heard about toxic positivity, right? Toxic positivity is when you basically paint everything with a rosy lens, gotta always be in a good- good mood, gotta always be upbeat, gotta always see the bright side of things, and when you engage in toxic positivity, um, it's kind of gr- It's just gross because you're minimizing the very real struggles and discrimination and suffering and valid feelings and negative experiences that people have. Toxic gratitude is a slice of toxic positivity, and it's when you use gratitude in a very negative way. And I'm gonna walk through the six examples of this after we hear a short word from our sponsors. They allow me to bring all of this to you at zero cost, and so I'm, you know, very thankful for our sponsors. I'm grateful that you're gonna stick around, so I'll see you after the break. Hey, first of all, it's Mel. I just want to tell you, I am genuinely grateful that you're here watching the Mel Robbins podcast on our YouTube channel, and I gotta ask you something. Could you please subscribe? Don't be sitting here like a thankless freeloader. Please, please, please. I can bring you a new video every single day for free because of the support of our sponsors. Right now, everybody on the podcast is listening to our sponsors. You're not, but if you subscribe to this show right here, it really helps us with our sponsorship here on YouTube, and if you listen to podcasts, please, please, please subscribe wherever you listen. We're on Spotify, we're on Amazon Music, everywhere you listen to podcasts, and now...With deep gratitude, for real. Thank you for doing that, thank you for supporting me. I really, really, really wanna be able to do this to support you. Let's, you and I, go back to the show. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and today we're talking about genuine gratitude and the six types of toxic gratitude that we all engage in, including yours truly. And here's how we're gonna do this. First, I'm gonna tell you what all six are and then I'm gonna go one by one and explain them, and I'm also going to share with you the takeaway that you need so that you can stop doing this, okay? And it's all based on the research. You're gonna love this. So the six forms of toxic gratitude is when you use gratitude to only focus on the good, but you completely ignore the big messes. The second way that you use gratitude in a toxic way is when you use gratitude to manipulate or shame other people. The third way is when gratitude becomes a justification to do nothing and to stay stuck where you are. The fourth way that gratitude gets toxic is when gratitude is a way to escape uncomfortable emotions that you don't wanna feel in yourself. The fifth way that gratitude becomes toxic is when you start pushing positivity on other people because you don't know what to say, so you say something positive. And the final toxic form of gratitude is when you use gratitude as a way to knock yourself down when you're accomplishing something. And so, let's unpack them all and then give you the takeaway so that you can empower yourself and not be using gratitude to knock you down, okay? Here we go. Number one, toxic gratitude is when you only focus on the things that are going good in your life, and you are so over-focused on what is a blessing and what you're grateful for, that you ignore the gigantic shitshow of a mess that is right behind you. And the perfect example of this is that friend of yours who is constantly posting only the most beautiful, lovey-dovey, kissy, feet on the beach photos of them and their significant other. Grateful, blessed, love of my life, and yet every time you see this person, they spend three hours complaining and bitching about what's actually going on. That right there is a form of toxic gratitude, because you are demonstrating something that isn't true. You are grandstanding the good part of your life and you are basically lying about what's going on. And so the way that you handle that when you realize, "Ooh, I do that. I constantly say I'm blessed, but my life is a mess," is that you balance it out. And that's gonna be the advice around all of this, because when gratitude is genuine, it gives space for the negative. Genuine, deep-felt gratitude acknowledges the painful, the broken, the messy part in partnership with the beauty, with the lessons, and with the hard work. And when you only have one of those things present, it's not genuine gratitude. And so instead of posting the absolute beautiful, most incredible, phenomenal things, don't post anything if you can't post the truth. I'm not suggesting you air everything out like dirty laundry on the internet, but you could certainly post photos like, "Love, love this person because through the ups and downs, we always tend to work through it and that's the sign of somebody that I wanna be with." That's way better than the polished, filtered photos anyway. That's the message we all need and it's the truth, and aren't we all grateful when we see the truth expressed from other people? The second form of toxic gratitude, and this is one that I am so guilty of, it does not, uh, make me proud to admit this to you, but it's when you use gratitude like a sledgehammer and you shame and you manipulate other people. And the fact is, when you understand this type of toxic gratitude you will realize that this was the way people parented for generations, and it's the way that I used to parent and it's something that I'm really working on, which is you basically invalidate people by going, you know, like, you cook dinner and you put dinner out for your family, and your family, "I don't wanna eat that." And what do you say? "You should be grateful that you have anything on your plate at all." Right? Or the kids lose their soccer match in the semifinals and they get in the back of the car and they're crying and they're sad and you can't deal with it, and so you're like, "Well, you should be grateful you made it this far. I mean, that's a really good thing." Or, like I did the other night, "You know, Oakley, we hosted the prom party. You'd think you'd be grateful enough, for crying out loud, to help me unload the dishwasher." Oops. Do not use gratitude to shame somebody, to blame somebody, to guilt somebody, period. You know it's wrong. I know it's wrong. I still do it. Why? Because that's how everybody parented for a long time, in a transactional way, in a, "I expect this from you. I gave you this, you give me that." That's not genuine gratitude. Genuine gratitude is, as you know, when you feel something deeply, when you're moved, when it's lingering. What I was expressing was resentment. That's not gratitude. So don't use the word gratitude in those cases.Third form of toxic gratitude is when gratitude becomes a justification to keep you stuck in a place that makes you unhappy, and I'll give you two specific examples. Lot of you write into the Mel Robbins podcast complaining about your jobs, and then you put in this sentence. You ready? "I'm just grateful to have a paycheck." End of story. And the reason why this is toxic is because if you hate your job and then you end the sentence with, "But I'm grateful to have a paycheck," are you motivated to change your job? Nope. Or how about this example? You're in a relationship, or you can think about a friend who's in a relationship, and they are with somebody that is not a match, with somebody that's dragging them down, with somebody that they are complaining about. But what do they say to you, or what do you say to yourself? "Well, I'm grateful I'm not single. I'm grateful that I have somebody." Or, "Well, at least they're better than so-and-so's, you know, significant other. I'm just grateful I'm not dating a loser like she is." Err. Hold on a second. So you're using gratitude to justify that you're lowering your standards! They may be a nice person, but they're not your person. So here's how you change this, okay? If you find that you're saying, "Well, I'm just grateful that I have this, I'm just grateful that I have that," but you don't like what you have, you're shaming yourself into staying. So I want you to add in the truth, okay? Here's how this works. "I am grateful that I have a paycheck, and I deserve to work somewhere where I feel appreciated, and so I'm gonna start looking for a different job." Do you see how different that feels? And one way we might supersize this is let's just not use the word gratitude or grateful at all. Let's use thankful, because it's more transactional, right? "I'm thankful that I met this person and that I was in a relationship with this person, and I deserve to be with somebody who brings out the best in me, and so I'm gonna end this." Do you see how different that feels? Two things can be true at the same time. You can be thankful for the paycheck, but you can acknowledge that you deserve more. You can be thankful that somebody was in your life, and you can acknowledge that they're no longer your person, and it doesn't mean they're a bad person, but you deserve somebody else. And somebody else might be the single you. And so you're acknowledging that two things are true at once. And a lot of times with toxic gratitude, you're only looking at one thing. And that brings me to the next one. Lot of us use gratitude as a way to escape uncomfortable emotions that we don't want to talk about or we don't want to feel. I'll give you a quick example. Have you ever noticed that when somebody dies of cancer, or they die after a long, um, struggle, that the phrase that people say about their parents when they die like that is, "I'm just grateful they're no longer suffering"? Now, here's why this can be problematic. What you're actually feeling are two things, right? Yes, it's true, you're grateful or thankful that they're no longer suffering, and "I'm devastated that my father's gone." Do you see how that goes clunk? Why does this matter? I'll tell you why it matters. Because it is critical for your mental health that you acknowledge and validate the uncomfortable emotions that you're feeling. It is critical for your resilience that you speak about, and that you name and you com- and you claim the heartbreak, the pain, the grief that you feel. When we all walk around like, "Okay, I'm fine. I'm, I'm just grateful they're no longer hurting. You know, I'm grateful that we're not fighting anymore and that they asked for the divorce," no, you're not. He just asked for this divorce last night. You've had s- 14 hours to process this? You're already telling me you're gr- No, you're not grateful! S- Knock that shit off! Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel! Don't quickly jump to gratitude right now. You gotta talk about all the things that you're feeling. Gratitude may be one sliver of the 76 emotions that you're feeling. And I find, this just happened to me the, a couple weeks ago. Somebody called me just in a complete breakdown and said that her husband had asked for a divorce. And in the telling of the story, every time she got herself worked up around it emotionally, she would quickly grab gratitude. "But I'm grateful." And I said, "No, you're not. You're not ready to be. You're in the tsunami of emotions." And when somebody grabs gratitude too quickly, I go, "Oh. You are drowning in the emotions, and this is a way to s- keep your head above water." And that's okay, but acknowledge that you're doing it. And please also acknowledge the scary things that you're feeling, which this person did, but you gotta be careful. Like, I don't think you're ready for gratitude 24 hours after a divorce, a breakup, a death, an accident, any of it. You have to give yourself time to process it, and interestingly, the research shows that the more that you face your negative emotions, the more that you talk about your uncomfortable feelings, the faster they pass. And so by using gratitude or only talking about what you're grateful for as you're just climbing this mountain that's right in front of you, you are missing out on the benefit of talking about the struggle.... and talking about your fears, and talking about the wave of uncomfortable feelings that are rising up. And it's gonna make the climb harder the longer you do that. And so, how you can do that is, yes, reach for gratitude, but make sure you put your arm around all those awful feelings that you have, and you talk to people about them, because that's how you're gonna process them, and that is a appropriate and mentally healthy response to the things that are scary in life. You know, let me stop on that real quick, 'cause I keep thinking about that idea. When you're going through something hard, you are mentally well when you express the uncomfortable emotions. If you're going through something like heartbreak, or challenge, or you've just lost your job, yes, it sounds better to go, "I hated that job anyway. Thank God. Da-di-da-di-da-di-da." But, we know that you feel ashamed. We know that it's embarrassing to get laid off. I've been laid off a bunch of times. I've been fired once. It's embarrassing, even if you wanted it to happen. There's still a humiliating aspect and a humbling aspect to that. Process it. Otherwise, you're just kind of engaging in toxic gratitude to posture and to try to move through it without facing it, and that's not gonna help you. The fifth way that gratitude turns toxic is when you push positivity because you have no idea what to say to somebody. So, for example, if somebody tells you that they have cancer and you immediately go, "You're gonna beat it," because you don't know what else to say. Or somebody says to you that they just had to declare bankruptcy, "Stay positive. You're gonna be okay," what the research shows is that when you push positivity, what ends up happening to somebody is they feel like their emotions aren't valid. They feel like you don't get it. How could you know if I'm gonna beat this cancer? You're not me. Yeah, maybe a ton of other people have, but I don't know what's gonna happen. So, the better thing to do is instead of forcing positivity, it's okay to say, "I don't know what to say. What do you need?" Or, "I don't know what to say." Or how about this? "That fucking sucks." That's what I always say to people that have cancer. "That sucks. You don't deserve this." And then I say the only thing that I know that's true. "You're not gonna go through this alone." Because I don't know what's gonna happen, and I don't have anything positive to say except for, "You didn't deserve this, and you're not gonna go through it alone." And I stole that from Adam Grant and Sheryl Sandberg who wrote Plan B, Option B, I can't remember the name of the book, but we'll link to it. And finally, and this is a big one. Please do not use gratitude to take away your accomplishments and the fact that you worked for them, you deserve them. Do you know how many times I hear people say when they get to a big meeting or they get to an event that they deserve to be at, by the way. "I'm so grateful that you brought me." Wait a minute, you deserve to be here. This is not a moment for gratitude. You can thank me for inviting you to this thing, but you deserve to be here. That's why you were included. And in fact, you deserved to be there probably when you weren't included. And a final thing is, is that, you know, this is gonna sound really weird, but I'm not grateful for my success. Why? Because I worked my fucking ass off for it. I've slept on couches. I've, like, clawed my way out of bankruptcy. I worked weekends and nights, and I've put in the work for over a decade. I'm not going to be grateful for this, because it diminishes the responsibility that I took in creating this. Now, I'm profoundly, genuinely grateful that you're here with me. I am profoundly, genuinely grateful for the messages that you send, for the walks that you take with me, for the time that you give me. It just is moving. It's what gets me out of bed. It's what drives my work ethic. But when I think about the things that I've accomplished, I want you to own that, and I want to give you a little inspiration, because I keep waiting for somebody to walk into, like, one of these awards ceremonies, like the Oscars and the Grammys and be like, "It's about damn time that you gave me an award. I deserve this." My favorite acceptance talk of all time, speech, was by Snoop Dogg. Hollywood Walk of Fame star, 2018. This is what he said.