The Surprising Link Between People Pleasing & Your Health: MD’s Recommendation on How to Say “No”

Is everybody on the planet a people pleaser?

What I would say to you as a doctor is, people pleasing makes you physically ill. (upbeat music)

Dr. Neha Sangwan, a lot of people-

Mm-hmm.

... feel compelled for a variety of, of reasons to say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. For probably almost 50 years, I was actively saying yes when I meant no, and feeling a lot of anxiety and a lot of resentment.

Resentment is one of those big clues that you have overextended yourself.

It's just easier to make everybody else happy, it's just easier to do it myself, it's just easier not to say something.

I overheard my dad. He just made a comment like, "I wanted a son who was an engineer," and then I heard my mom saying, "Wow, I missed my calling to become a doctor." I became an engineer and a doctor, and I blamed my parents. Like, "Oh, my parents made me do this."

How did you come to realize that you were a people pleaser?

Um... (upbeat music)

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. So, a couple weeks ago, I was invited to go down to the Today Show, and I love being on the Today Show 'cause, first of all, I love Hoda and Jenna. Secondly, I just love going on the Today Show 'cause it's always super fun, and it's a really fun morning, and it's everything that you would imagine it would be. And when you're backstage at the Today Show, you are in these hallways where tons of people are coming and going, whether it's the folks that are working on the show or it's the people that are appearing on the show, and so you just never know who you're going to bump into. And so I'm standing back there, and the first person that walks by is Charlotte Tilbury, who is this very famous makeup, uh, entrepreneur and artist, and this fabulous woman who always talks like this, darling. And I am a huge fan of Charlotte Tilbury. And so she stops, and I'm like, "Ah," and she's like, "Ah." And then I go, "Oh, my God, my daughters love you and I love you," and she's like, "I love you." And so we have this hug, and she was so fun, and then she leaves. And so I'm like, "Oh, my God, that was Charlotte Tilbury." All of a sudden around the corner comes this other extraordinary woman, and she is so striking. She's tall, and she is wearing this vibrant, I don't even know what color it was. It was like this chartreuse meets kelly green silk blazer and matching wide-leg pants, and she comes breezing around the corner, having just got off the television with the Today Show, and she comes around, and she's so striking in terms of her presence. Like, there's just this, like, confidence and this warmth to her, and it's the kind of person that you immediately are like, "I'd like to be that person's friend." So I see her coming. I look her in the eyes. I do the 10-5 game that I've told you about. She's 10 feet away, I smile. She's five feet away, I'm like, "Hi," and she goes, (gasps) "Hi. Oh, my gosh. Mel," and I'm like, "Oh, my gosh. Hi. I don't know you, but I feel like I should know you." (laughs) And she walks up and says, "Can I hug you?" And I'm like, "Of course. Nothing is better than a hug," and so we hug and she introduces herself, and her name is Dr. Neha Sangwan. And we start chatting, and I'm like, "What did you just talk about?" And she was talking about people pleasing on the Today Show and how your inability to say no is making you ill. And I stopped in my tracks, and I was like, "Wait. What?" And she goes on to explain that she is a medical doctor. She practices internal medicine. She sees private clients. She is also a researcher, and she was on the Today Show to explain that your habit of people pleasing, always looking at other people, always being worried about what their reaction is going to be, couching what you're gonna say, the fact that you say yes when you actually mean no, that's what she talks about. And I said, "Uh, we gotta get you on the Mel Robbins Podcast, because I've certainly struggled with people pleasing." I absolutely get worried about what other people are going to think. She is here today. So get ready to get control of your life, to learn how to say no, and to get better connected with what you actually want, which is where all of this is gonna begin. Please help me welcome Dr. Neha Sangwan to the Mel Robbins Podcast.