How to Deal with Difficult People & Not Get Stressed Out

Emotional immaturity is in everybody. Every adult that you meet is just an eight-year-old in a big body, and it's important to understand that adults throw tantrums. And when somebody feels emotionally flooded, the brain just automatically kicks into survival mode. But using the Let Them Theory, you can protect yourself from that knee-jerk instinct of having to fix this or having to deal with it at all. People only change when they're ready to change for themselves. They are not gonna magically change for you. Basically, it's a rule about life: The more control that you give up, the more control you gain. It's never been your job to carry somebody else's mood, or manage their opinions, or their dysfunction, and when you just let people be who they are, and experience what they experience, and deal with themselves, you know what you get? You get something amazing back. You get your time, your energy, your clarity, your peace. Hey, it's your buddy Mel. Before we get into this episode, my team was just showing me that 57% of you who watch the Mel Robbins Podcast here on YouTube are not subscribed yet. Could you do me a quick favor? Just hit subscribe. It's free. It takes a second. That way you're not gonna miss any of the episodes we post here on YouTube, and also it lets me know that you enjoy the guests and the content that I'm bringing to you, because I wanna make sure you don't miss a thing, and I wanna make sure we just keep getting better and better. Okay, thank you for subscribing. All right, you ready to dive in? Let's do it. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am thrilled that you're here today. It's always an honor to be together to spend this time with you. And if you're a new listener or you're here because somebody shared this episode with you, well, I just wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. You have picked a winner of a conversation to spend time listening to right now, because today, you and I are talking about something that affects every single one of us, and that's difficult people and how to deal with them without losing your peace or your power. Who am I talking about? Oh, I'm talking about the relatives who dominate every conversation, the friend who takes that cheap shot and then laughs it off with, "I, I was just joking. Don't be so sensitive." Oh, you know, the sibling that knows how to just push your buttons, even though you're older now and you guys are no longer living with your parents. I'm talking about the people you love, but they also exhaust you, because here's the truth, and I learned this the hard way. Most of the drama in your life, especially in your family, it's not really about conflict, it's about closeness. See, people want to feel connected, right? We want to feel close. It's why we get frustrated when there's tension. It's why we get frustrated when we don't feel connected and close. But we don't know how to ask for it, and we don't know how to, like, get rid of all the garbage that, it's in the way between you guys, so it leaks out sideways, right? You get the control, you get the guilt, you get the side comments, the sarcasm, the silence, the alliances, the eye rolls, the passive-aggressive digs, and that's the energy that you're swimming in all the time. That's why you brace around certain people. Maybe you are over-explaining yourself because people constantly misinterpret what you're saying. Maybe you get very emotional and tense and on edge, and you're just not yourself around certain people. And if you keep doing that, you're gonna stay stuck in the same frustrating dynamic over and over and over again, and I don't want that for you. So here's what we're gonna do. Today, you're gonna learn two truths about other people that are extremely important to embrace, and the first one is that you cannot change other people, period. The truth and the fact about life is that other people only change when they're ready to change for themselves, and the more that you try to change someone else, the more they will stay the same, and in fact, it'll create more tension in relationships, and we're gonna dig into that. The second major truth that we're gonna dig into is that emotional immaturity is in everybody, that every adult that you meet is just an eight-year-old in a big body, and it's important to understand that adults throw tantrums. And when you embrace this truth in your life, and I unpack it in detail because this is one of the most popular sections of the Let Them Theory book itself, it will change the way that you look at other people. Then we're gonna jump into the strategies that you're using right now to deal with emotionally immature people and difficult people. It's not working. And finally, we're gonna talk about what do you do when you realize your emotions are part of the problem, and what are the things that you can control that will shift the dynamic? Everything that you're about to learn is backed by so much research. It is working for millions of people. It has been transformative for me, and we're gonna take 'em one by one and really break them apart so that you can use the Let Them Theory effectively when either somebody else is all emotional or somebody else's behavior is starting to make you feel emotional, like you're losing control. And I wanna start here. In case you don't know what the Let Them Theory is because somebody forwarded this episode to you, first of all, thank you for being here. The Let Them Theory is super simple. Basically, it's a rule about life: The more control that you give up, the more control you gain, and the one thing that you have to stop controlling is other people. And so the Let Them Theory is very, very simple. Learn to let people be who they are. Let them have their thoughts, let them do what they're gonna do, let them have their opinions, their behavior, their expectations, because the more you let other people-... be who they are and live their lives, the better your life gets, because now you can take all your time and energy back and focus on you. That's the let me part. Let me focus on me. Let me focus my time and energy on what matters to me. So again, the more you stop controlling other people and trying to change them, the more control you gain over your own life and happiness. It's a beautiful thing. And you're also gonna learn that this theory brings you closer to people, even the ones who are emotionally immature and can be difficult at times, because it's gonna teach you how to see people as they are and accept them as they are, and then take your power back and act accordingly. And we're gonna talk about five ways specifically that you can use these four words, let them and let me, any time you're dealing with somebody who's emotionally immature or just very difficult in general. In addition to this section of the book being the most popular, the other reason why I wanted to really do an episode that was focused on family dynamics and challenging dynamics with families is so many of you have written in, and I have a ton of them right here, about what you're bracing for. And even if you have an amazing family, there are still dynamics in your family that are incredibly stressful, and you just wish that it wasn't this way. And here's some of the things that people said. "I feel anxious seeing my family, and then my anxiety makes interacting with them even more difficult." "I'm anxious with every interaction, and I still constantly put them first. Why do I do this?" "My parents can't seem to accept me as an adult now. I'm no longer their child, and so I can't stand the power struggle." "How do I stop feeling so triggered to react when my sister says things on purpose to get to me?" "How do you stay calm and sturdy when a relative is getting under your skin?" "How do I deal with the boundary that's put in place and then it's like I get dirty looks, I get the punishing silent treatment?" "I get passive-aggressive behavior from my spouse's family. They even unfriended me on Facebook." "My mother-in-law's not getting her way in terms of hosting the holidays, and it's driving me crazy how immature she's acting." "Everyone tiptoes around the immature person in my family because everyone's worried how they're gonna react." "Boundaries with my divorced parents. My mom talks badly about my dad. I don't wanna hear it." "There's a person in my immediate family who is always in crisis, which means there's never any space for me because it's always about her." "People that can't see anyone else's opinion but their own in my family drive me crazy." You know, whether you could relate to all of those or none of them, we all have things about our family we'd like to change. Maybe your parents are getting older, and you're really worried about them, and you're worried about how much time you have with them, and they're getting more and more and more set in their ways, and there are things that you think that they should be doing, whether it's not driving anymore or getting some support at the house, and now it's creating fights. That's something that the let them theory is gonna help you navigate. Maybe it's just that you've grown distant from your adult kids, or now that your daughter's married or your son is engaged, you don't see them as much as you'd like to. And it makes you emotional, and then you get reactive, and you don't wanna act that way, but you're having trouble navigating this new chapter in your relationship. The let them theory's gonna help. I know you're listening. There is some dynamic in your family that just isn't working, and you're bracing or you're venting or you're keeping the peace or you're putting up with it, and you just wish things could be easier. You wish their behavior didn't make you so emotional. And that's why we're gonna talk about the let them theory today, because there's a couple surprising things about it. The let them theory is not about changing them. The let them theory is learning to accept the reality of who people are, as they are, without changing them, and then taking your power back and changing how you respond in these situations. Because let's just start out with a basic assumption. You're listening to this, and you're sharing this with people that you care about 'cause you want a better relationship with your family. And what I'm gonna tell you is the let them theory is the single best tool to navigate these challenging dynamics, to manage your emotions, and to learn how to connect with people as they are and to create closer relationships while you protect your peace. In fact, let me read you something about the let them theory. What happens when you use the let them theory and four words, let them and let me, as the world's best boundaries, is you become more compassionate. Instead of getting frustrated by everybody in your family, you begin to understand that most people you're related to and everybody on the planet, they simply don't have the tools to handle their emotions or their behavior or their reactions maturely. With the let them theory, you're gonna learn how to respond with compassion. You're gonna learn how to set some boundaries. And you're also gonna learn how to stop letting other people's emotional immaturity run your life. All it takes is one person to change the way they show up in a family, and the entire family system can change for the better, and that person is you. And what we're gonna do today is we're gonna dig deep into the let them theory to teach you how to change yourself, and it's gonna be so powerful, I promise you, it will change every single dynamic with every person in your life for the better. So, let's dig into this. Here's the truth I had to learn the hard way, and it's the first one I want you to hear: People only change when they're ready to change for themselves. It's true. There is nothing you can do to change your grandmother or your mom or your dad or your brother or your sister or the person that you're married to.There is nothing that you can do if there's someone in your life who's always angry. You know, I bet if you really stop and think about it, there's probably somebody in your life or in your family that's always angry. That no matter what you do, they would rather be griping about something, or grousing about something, or upset that this isn't (...) , complaining about that thing, than just being present with you. And it's a really challenging thing when you wake up and realize, wow, this person's never gonna change unless they wanna change, and there's no amount of bending over backwards or tiptoeing around it or trying to make them happy or asking them if they're okay that is gonna make them suddenly a calm and happy and peaceful person who's just present and loves to be with you. Some people are just like that, and the faster you recognize this truth, there's nothing you can do to change another person. In fact, the more you try to change somebody else, the more they're gonna stay exactly who they are. People only change when they are ready to change for themselves, which means the only thing that you can change is your attitude about your relationship with this person. And it's so important to embrace this that I wanna give you an example, and I want you to think about someone in your life that you wish you could be closer to, but something's always wrong. It's almost like this person is, like, trying to hug a porcupine. Like, they're just always like, "Oh." And the fact is, whether you're talking about your family or your partner's family or your roommate's families, there are people in your life who would rather stay angry and mad at the world than be connected. There are people in your life who would rather play the victim than take responsibility for their life. There are people in your life that would rather sound off and complain and gossip about everybody else than taking a look in the mirror and just doing what they need to do to make their own life better. There are always gonna be people in your life who are more comfortable, they just love focusing on what's going wrong, than just being present and enjoying the people that are right here in front of their face. Have you ever noticed that? Have you ever had that experience, where the second that you walk in the door they're already complaining that it's been a year since you've been there, or they're complaining about somebody else? Truth number one, people only change when they're ready to change for themselves, and you can't change them. So what do you do? Let them. Let them be negative. Let them be a human porcupine. Let them bring in their emotional baggage. Let them grouse and gripe and complain about everything going on in the world and how awful things are and this, that, and the other thing. Let them ignore the fact that the people that love them are right in front of their face. Let them do the thing that they do. Let them do everything wrong, because it's not your job to fix other people. It's your job to recognize who other people are and learn how to accept them. And it's so liberating to realize you get to choose how much of your peace their behavior is allowed to steal. See, when I was writing chapter seven of The Let Them Theory, and chapter seven is entitled When Grown-Ups Throw Tantrums, I had to really sit with this uncomfortable truth. Why do you think loving someone means trying to change them? Why do you jump in to control and fix and manage another person? And here's what I realized, and this is a really important thing to understand. I don't think we mean to be controlling and fixing everybody else. I- I- I don't think we actually understand that we do it by default, and the reason why you and I can look at our sister and be like, "Ugh, if I were in her shoes, I would do this, that, and the other thing." And I'll tell you why we operate like this with other people. It's because we've all been parented. And this is not anything against parents. I'm a parent. I have three adult children. I made a lot of good decisions and probably a lot of bad decisions. But when you're a parent, your job is to protect your kids. Your job is to care for your kids. Your job is to teach your kids. Your job is to keep them safe. Your job is to help them make decisions. And in the process of parenting, what do you do? Oh my gosh. Well, you tell your kids exactly what to do. You dictate when they wake up. You dictate when they go to bed. You dictate what they eat. You tell them when they're wrong. You have consequences and punishment when they don't do what you say. You try to teach them all kinda stuff. Like, it- it... Like, you're basically shaping their behavior by, in many ways, controlling it. And so what happens is as a kid, what's modeled for you is, okay, love means that somebody tells me what to do. Love means that somebody is trying to steer my life. Love means that somebody knows me better than I know me and is trying to force me to be what they want me to be. Love means people get irritated with me, and then they yell at me and punish me. And so that parenting and the control that we exhibit on our kids gets tangled up with our idea of what it means to love somebody and to care. And here's the problem. Once you're an adult, without even realizing it, guess how you now show that you love people and that you care about them? By trying to change them, because that's what we learned. We tell other people that we love what to do. We jump in and fix their problems before they even ask for advice. We believe we know what's best for them. And here's the thing I want you to understand. That's not love. That's parenting. That's not love. That's control. Real love means seeing someone and accepting someone exactly as they are.And it also means seeing someone and accepting someone for exactly who they're not. And that's why the people you most want to change can often be the hardest to love, because you're stuck in this loop of wishing they were different. "If only they got in shape. If only they were more motivated. If only they did a better job picking up after themselves. If only they would stop dating these losers. If only she didn't use that tone of voice." And when you're stuck in that loop, "If only, I'll love you when," you're not actually loving somebody. You're judging someone. That's one of the hardest and most freeing truths inside the Let Them Theory. Let them is not about just giving up and throwing your hands up in the air. Let them is about unlearning that old wiring from being parented and choosing to show up in a relationship as an adult, not as some other adult's parent, but choosing to show up in a relationship, not with this fantasy of who you wish someone would be, but learning how to accept the reality of who someone is right now. Hard to do, but it's liberating when you really embrace this, because it forces you to be in the relationship as it is instead of constantly resisting it because you wish it was something else. And I'm gonna talk a lot about it in the context of family dynamics, and the reason why is because when you walk into a room full of people that you're related to, you have this fantasy in your head of the version of the family that you really wish they would be. But instead, you're walking into a room full of people who are likely stressed out. They're reactive. They're emotionally maxed out, just like you are. They have a lot going on, most of which you're not even aware of. And you got to remember, you can't control them, you can't fix them, you can't make them change, and wishing that they were different isn't gonna make them different. But here's what you can do, and this is where it starts to get so liberating and so fun. You can better understand why people are emotionally immature. You can better understand why people are challenging. You can better understand why people react in ways that make no sense, like especially the people that, like, crazy overreact over things. You're like, "Why is this a big deal? Like, what is wrong with you?" And when you understand emotional reactivity and immaturity, guess what? It doesn't impact you. And you also stay in control, so you can decide and you can change how you respond to it. And that's exactly what we're gonna talk about next, because the second truth that I wanna teach you is that other people are just eight-year-olds in big bodies. See, when I was writing chapter seven, Chapter 7 of The Let Them Theory is entitled When Grown-Ups Throw Tantrums, I really was wrestling with this question. I mean, haven't you often wondered, "Why does my dad erupt over everything? Why does my brother have so much, like, anger?" And I was talking to my therapist about this. Why do grown adults snap and sulk and shut down and lash out and throw full-on tantrums? Why do your friends still use the silent treatment, and why is this so prominent, especially in your families? I've certainly wondered that. In fact, you know, one day I was sitting down with my therapist, Dr. Ann Davin. She's a depth psychologist. She's a writer. She's honestly one of the wisest people I've ever met in my entire life. And I was talking to her about a very difficult family member, and this is a person who always makes it about them. The energy in the room, do you have a person like this in your life where it's like (imitates energy vibrating) , positive or negative? Their energy is the dominant one. It doesn't matter, they always know how to pull the focus back to themselves, whether it's pouting, or it's yelling, or it's mood swings, and I was exhausted by this person. And here's the thing. Uh, I think it's easy on Instagram and social media just like, "Agh, cut people out, toxic people," but for most of us, the challenging people that we have in our life, it's not that we don't want them in our life. We just wish we could get along. And so, I was talking with my therapist about this relationship, because I was just like, "What am I doing wrong? Like, how do I change this dynamic with this person, and more importantly, why are they like this?" And Ann said something I will never forget. It changed my life, and I'm gonna read to you from The Let Them Theory book. This is chapter seven, page 111. She said, "Mel, most adults are just eight-year-old children inside of big bodies. The next time you're with this person and you feel yourself getting triggered by something they say, or some way that they act, I just want you to imagine the second-grade version of them present with you in the room. Because what you're describing is someone who has the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old, and like it or not, that's most adults." You know, when she said that, I was like... But I want you to just think about that for a second. I'm gonna keep on reading to you here on page 111. Why else-... does your mom pout instead of saying, "What's wrong?" Why does your friend give you the silent treatment? Why does your boyfriend send you passive aggressive texts when you're out with friends? Why does your sister blow up and then act like nothing happened an hour later? It's because adults at their core are just as emotional as children. The difference is, sometimes they're better at hiding it. But here's a beautiful thing about the let them theory. Instead of getting frustrated, you begin to understand that most people simply don't have the tools to handle their emotions maturely. See, emotional maturity isn't something you're born with or that happens, it's a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn. My therapist is right. Most people you meet still act like an eight-year-old child when they don't get what they want or when they feel uncomfortable emotions. The let them theory is gonna teach you how to stop reacting and how to stop letting other people's emotional maturity ruin your life. And there's one more thing I wanna share with you about emotional immaturity, because the connection between childlike and adult behavior is undeniable. And I'm gonna walk you through this graphic, this is on page 112. But I really want you to consider how similar adult behavior is to a second grade child. Like, when a child gets flooded with emotions and upset about something, what do they typically do? They run away from you. What does an adult do if they get upset with you and they're flooded with emotion? Oh, they avoid you, which is basically running away from you. When they get overwhelmed, what do they do? They shut down. Adults, oh, they get stoic. They just shove that stuff down. Have you ever seen a child throw a tantrum when they didn't get what they want or they're exhausted or hungry? I'm sure you have. Have you ever seen an adult one? Of course. That's the person that screams at something that's just ridiculous, or they rage text at you, or they send one of those crazy emails, or they vent at you. That's an adult tantrum. Kids slam doors, adults slam doors. Kids lie, so do adults. And so Anne and I continued to talk a lot about this fact, that most adults that you meet are just second graders in big bodies. And what she has explained since then and what, you know, I've also learned from other world-renowned experts is that emotional development in a human being often halts in childhood, unless the person actively works on it. So what does that mean? What that means is that if you're dealing with an adult, I don't care if they're 80 years old or 50 years old or 25 years old, when something happens that makes them feel emotional, even if it's, like, tiny, I'm talking tiny, the adult brain doesn't always know how to process or regulate adult experiences. Because what happens instead, and we've learned a lot about this from the experts on this podcast, is that you go from a functioning rational adult to immediately having your stress response, or the amygdala, hijack you. And when somebody feels emotionally flooded, the brain just automatically kicks into survival mode. Adrenaline, cortisol floods your body in, like, a nanosecond. This is what neuroscientists call emotional flooding. Heart rate spikes, muscles tense, your vision narrows, thought goes offline. You can't stop that first surge because it's a biological reaction. So when somebody is firing off a ridiculous string of passive aggressive texts, when an adult thinks the silent treatment is how you deal with conflict in a relationship, when somebody snaps at you, this is the one that I was guilty of all the time, th- just the tone shift, when they've just promised they're gonna try to stay calm, the reason why is they're in a biological response. Their nervous system literally comes online before logic and maturity can catch up. This is a second grader response inside an adult body. You have a adult human being, if you're looking at your grandparents or your parents or your siblings or your partner, who is now overwhelmed by whatever emotion they're feeling, and they've never developed the emotional maturity to process emotions maturely, because it's a skill. And here's the kicker, they usually have no idea this is actually happening. Seriously. They have no idea. The flooding happens because they get suddenly overwhelmed because there's so many people in the house and the groceries are everywhere and the dogs are running around that they just, instead of being able to go, "Oh, I'm getting a little overwhelmed. I guess I better, I should take a beat. I should step out of the room. I should reach for a glass of water," what do they do instead? They just automatically snap. (gasps) They sulk, they roll their eyes, they lash out, they, they say something sharp, they retreat to their phone for the rest of the night, they sulk in the corner. And this is what's so confusing. If a little kid flopped on the floor of the kitchen and started banging about, like, you can handle that. I mean, you can expect it, 'cause they're a kid. You know it's part of the deal, right? But when this happens in a house full of grownups that don't know how to handle their emotions, it's a whole different level of chaos. And here's the kicker-When an adult has a tantrum like that, they usually have no idea what's happening. You know, I think we make a mistake in society when we call people who are narcissistic, or challenging, or emotionally immature manipulative, because what I now understand is that when somebody snaps, or sulks, or lashes out, or pouts, or makes it all about them, or rages at you, or they say something sharp, their stress response is driving the show. They don't even know what they're doing, which is why so many challenging and emotionally immature, after they throw a tantrum, are like, "I never said that. That didn't happen." They don't remember it because the amygdala was running the show. They were purely in a biological response. And understanding this will change everything for you, because you can't control when or if an emotionally immature adult is going to tantrum. You just know it's gonna happen. But using the let them theory, you can protect yourself from that knee-jerk instinct of having to fix this, or having to deal with it at all. I wanna give you an example that I'm sure you can visualize yourself in, because we've all had the experience of hosting, right? And when you host, it's because you actually wanna take care of everybody. You wanna feel important. When people come up to your house and they're gonna eat the meal you prepared, you really want them to enjoy it, right? And whether you put a little bit of care into it, or you put a ton of care into it, I think it's safe to assume that whomever the host is, they just want to feel like everybody appreciates the effort that they put in. Now that we've talked about the host, let's talk about you and me. As you're going to somebody else's house, or you're going to the holidays at your family's, or you're going to a wedding, you already driving down, you, me, I'm gonna admit to this, you're thinking about how, "How is this gonna go?" And maybe you're stopping and buying groceries, or maybe you're worried about what the sleeping arrangements are, or maybe that you're worried or you think that you would do the wedding a little bit differently, and you think they're cutting corners and they should've done it this way. So, as you're heading there, you already have expectations, and I think this is one of the things that I have learned the hard way, that going with the flow and understanding that all that the person that is hosting wants is to just feel like people appreciate the effort in. And here's what we don't realize. We don't realize that if you don't go with the flow as the guest, you unintentionally can come across as rude, disrespectful. You can make a host feel like no matter what they do, it's never enough. You can inadvertently make it seem like you're doing it better, or you would do it better, or they didn't do enough, and it creates this weird tension. Because, for example, maybe all you were trying to do was bake a pie that was gluten-free because that way your kids could eat it, and then nobody else would have to worry about it. But when you roll into the house without even thinking, and you say something like, "Oh, here's all the groceries. Let me just put them over here. And I'm just gonna move this thing in the fridge over here. And what if we do this? And can I help you set the table?" And then you're folding the napkins a different way. You're just trying to help. You didn't mean to roll into someone else's house like a freight train and suddenly take over and cover every single counter space, or roll in with a blow-up mattress 'cause you don't really like your sister's bed because it's really, like, smooshy and then you're not gonna get a good night's sleep. "Let's just put this over here. What if we move this over there? Let me get this centerpiece out of the way, because I bought a charcuterie board that's the size of a Jeep Wagoneer to just shove on the island, which I didn't tell you about." I thought I was helping. But you know what that feels like to the host? "Wait, what I planned wasn't good enough for you?" And then guess what happens? We, you and me, just inadvertently brought out the eight-year-old version of your sister, or your dad, or your mother, because the kid part in there tried really hard, and they, just like every eight-year-old, wants to be noticed. They wanna be appreciated. They wanna be told, "You did a good job." And so what is the best thing that you and I can do? Well, first of all, it's to recognize the psychology of anybody hosting. That's just human nature, to want to feel appreciated. What's the best thing you can do? Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Give yourself a reality check. Don't live in the fantasy and the expectation. Live in the reality. You're not pulling into a five-star resort. You're in somebody's home. Here is your anchor tool when it comes to anything that's beneath your expectation, anything that you now wanna control and do better. This is straight from DBT, or dialectical behavioral therapy, which is a research-backed form of psychotherapy that teaches people how to manage big emotions, navigate relationships, and handle stress more effectively. Here's what you're gonna do. You have to be clear about your intentions before you walk in the door. Just ask yourself, "Why am I here? Why am I going to this event that is hosted by a family member? Why am I showing up?" If the answer is, "Well, I'm here because I just wanna be with my family," if that's your answer, you have won the lottery, because it means you don't need to fix anything. You don't need to control anything. You don't need to manage the eight-year-olds that show up in the big bodies and start tantrum-ing, because you need to be clear about your intention. "I'm just here to be with family, which means I'm gonna go with the flow. I'm gonna be kind. I'm gonna be flexible. I'm gonna say thank you." That's it.That's it. That's all you need to do. And that brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about, which is what we typically do, what we typically do when mom or dad turns into an eight-year-old and starts sulking and huffing and eye-rolling, or your sister starts, "Oh, the victim" and going on and on and on about the drama. What do we do? We turn to whoever's standing next to us, and we vent. We walk into the kitchen, and we say, "You are not gonna believe what Tommy's girlfriend just did. Ugh!" Or, you walk into the bedroom, and you shut the door, and you're like, "These people are driving me crazy. We have got to get out of here. I cannot stand my father's new wife. This is just absolutely horrific. I mean, I cannot even..." That's not what we're gonna do, and I'm gonna tell you why. Venting doesn't work, and I get it. It feels like it helps, right? But according to decades of research, it doesn't. Venting isn't helping. Venting makes things worse. So, let's take that exact moment. You come rolling in. The hugs happen. You've got five casseroles and four grocery bags and two dogs in tow. Now, you know that a lot of that has just triggered an eight-year-old to come out, and so as you're trying to make room for all the things that you've brought to accommodate your family, you're starting to get some huffs and some puffs, (huffs) and some (puffs) moving things around. And now, you're thinking, "Are we already going here? Like I, I've been here 10 minutes, and now, we're gonna go do this stressed-out thing again? No, I'm fine. I'm fine." And now, you're getting the silent treatment, and as you're trying to talk to the parent, they won't look you in the eye. And so, you retreat like you did when you were little, 'cause now they're tantruming in the kitchen, and now they're huffing and puffing, and now you're confused and hurt. So, what do you do? Oh, you call a friend. You pace around in the bedroom upstairs. You go for a walk with the dog. You then rehash every detail with your partner as you're on the walk. You vent. "Can you believe it? We've only been da-da-da-da. It always happens like this, and doesn't it feel so good?" And it feels good, right? Because it feels like you're releasing something, and it feels like you're right. "You're right. These people that I'm related to are crazy. Why do they drive me crazy? We are better than these people because we would not act like this." But here's the thing. You're not releasing something. You're pouring gasoline on the fire. Venting doesn't release the emotion. It reloads it, and science backs this up. See, I know that you've been told, "Just blow off steam," but guess what? Science says that's complete BS. There was this massive 2024 meta-analysis out of Ohio State, and a meta-analysis just means they took a bunch of other studies, analyzed them, and extracted the data. And in this meta-analysis, they covered 154 anger studies, and they found not a single shred of scientific evidence that venting reduces anger. In fact, it often makes people angrier. Why? Because every time you rant, "My dad's always like this. My brother never helps. Ba-da-da-da-da." Every rant is a mental rep. You're not moving on. This is scary. Listen to this. You're not moving on. Your brain is memorizing your outrage. That's crazy. You are locking that anger into your nervous system, which means, guess what? It makes it easier to get angry the next time. See, every time you go off about it and vent, you're reinforcing the loop. And let me say this. It is normal to want to vent. I have been one of the world's biggest venters, in fact, and once I read this research, I'm like, "I'm never venting again," because I can see the more you do it, the more you vent and the more you get stuck in this loop. In fact, research from UCLA shows that when someone listens to a friend vent, they often feel closer and more supportive of that friend. Why? Well, because there's this connection in being trusted. You feel like someone's leaning on you and that you matter. But there's a flip side to that closeness, and you probably have felt it, right? Because you know that saying, "Misery loves company"? Have you ever noticed that when you start venting about something, especially something family-related, "It's not fair. She's always the favorite. They don't, they don't treat the grandkids equally," you want the other person to get angry, too? I see this with my daughters all the time. You know, one of them will pull me into the kitchen to vent about someone who is in their life. The next thing I know, I'm kind of angry on their behalf. And let me give you another example. There's probably someone in your family or your friend group who is dating somebody you don't like. So, just think about that for a minute. There's somebody that you care about deeply, good friend of yours, sister, brother. Maybe it's your dad, and your dad is now dating after divorce. Maybe it's your mom, and your mom's dating after a divorce, and you don't like them. And now, they're bringing that new boyfriend or girlfriend, who drives you nuts, to Thanksgiving. And you walk into the kitchen, and you say, "Ugh. You're not gonna believe what Sarah's boyfriend just did."Now, here's where it gets tricky. Because when you vent about him, even if you don't say it directly, your sister feels it. She feels the judgment, she picks up on the tension, and what happens next? She feels like you're against her person. And so, the more she feels like you and the family are against him or her, the more she's gonna cling to them. See, most people don't start distancing themselves from family because there's one big blowout, it's because there's a thousand tiny little slights; sideway comments, subtle eye rolls. It's death by a thousand microaggressions, and eventually they stop showing up. And I'm saying this because here's the thing. Particularly in situations where you don't like the person and you're worried about who they're dating, the worst thing you could do is push your family member away, and you're gonna push them away the more you judge their person. What you wanna do instead is stop the venting and just let them be with this person, and let this person be somebody that annoys you, and let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, and you keep your peace and you don't react, because you wanna keep your sister close. You don't wanna push them to the person you're attacking, because then you're pushing your sister away. You don't have to fake it, just be intentional. Here's my favorite tip in terms of just being neutral, going with the flow. Just come with two questions prepared. This way you don't have to fake it because they're great questions, you don't have to truly really interact with the person you don't like, you're not going out of your way to say something, uh, you know, scrambling in the moment. Your questions can be about anything that you think will set the tone or cut the tension, and here's a really good one. "So, Bob, what's something you're looking forward to in the next 90 days?" Positive, safe, neutral, and even better. Spark something real. And by the way, this works great on an uncle, an aunt, a negative parent, or a grandparent too. "So, what are you looking forward to in the next 90 days?" And when they're like, "Uh. I don't know," let them, and then come back to what we said. Figure out your why. Why are you here? Are you here to change everybody? Are you here out of obligation, or are you here because it's important to you to spend time with your family? If it's just important to you to spend time with your family and to spend time with your sister, that means you're spending time with her idiot boyfriend too, so just let him be who he is. Don't try to fix him, ask a couple neutral questions, go with the flow, and you've already won. This really isn't about liking or faking that you like somebody's boyfriend, it's about showing up for your sister. It's also about not expecting the perfect time together, rather it's about just showing up to be with family and letting the rest go. And that brings me to something that most of us don't want to admit, but it's the key to everything we're talking about. Sometimes, and I think I'm hinting at this, you're the one that's reacting. You're the one who's snapping, you're the one who's pouting, you're the one who's easily offended, you're the difficult person. Your little eight-year-old person who's hurt and who is sulking is the one who's coming out. And it also kind of begs the question, haven't you ever had that feeling after leaving a particularly challenging visit with family where you basically say, "Why do they get to me? Why does this bother me so much? Why am I so exhausted by not only their behavior and their reactions, but I'm almost more exhausted by my own emotional reaction?" Whether it's that you've shut down, or you got emotional and cried again, or that you got so offended, or maybe you exploded and you said something you regret, or you hit send too fast, or you're the one that spiraled or snapped or shut down, and everybody else, even though they were triggering you, they were like, "Why are you being so sensitive?" And then as you're driving home you're like, "Why did I say that? And why did I pick that fight? Why did I even get involved?" We've all done it. I've done it, and I'm sure you've had experiences where you're like, "Why do I let this bother me?" Well, I'm gonna tell you why. There's some amazing research from Harvard-trained neuroscientist, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, that emotions are just a chemical surge. But here's the cool part. Emotional reactions last about 90 seconds, but here's the catch, if you don't feed it. And this is a big deal, because if you're standing in the kitchen and somebody does something that offends you and you have that chemical surge of emotional reaction, you might react emotionally. But what the let them theory is gonna teach you to do is life-changing, because if you don't blow up, if you don't feed the emotions, if you don't react, if you don't take the bait when somebody's egging you on and you just let the emotions inside of you rise and fall, guess what? The emotions disappear. So, the next time somebody says something that's emotionally exhausting or offensive, you can just learn to ride the wave. But if you get emotional because somebody says something that offends you and then you think, "How freaking dare they? Why is this always happening with my mom or my dad?" All of a sudden you're starting to spiral deeper, because instead of just noticing the emotion rising and falling, you're now gripping onto it. You're now making it intensify. You're now letting your emotions run you over, which then leads you to getting into the fight or getting offended or getting upset.There's a different way for you to operate using the let them theory, and this is a key insight that I wanna underscore. You cannot choose these emotional reactions that happen in you and other people, but you can always choose how you respond to them. Let me read you from chapter 7, page 120. "You cannot control your emotions from rising up, and trying to is a waste of your time. There's a better strategy. Just learn to let them rise up, and then fall without reacting. There's also nothing you can do that will ever allow you to control the emotional reactions in another human being, no matter how hard you try. See, emotions are contagious. Seeing someone else who's sad, or afraid, or disgusted, or angry can cause you to experience these same emotions in your own body. This explains why someone else's tone of voice, their shift in energy, their bad mood, their body language can immediately trigger you to feel on edge. And one more thing to understand is that whenever you or another person is hungry, or tired, or stressed out, or under the influence, or lonely, or angry, or hurt, guess what? You're gonna be more emotional. And I say this because whenever I do or say something that I later regret, there's always stress, alcohol, or hunger involved. And knowing all this helps me to better manage my emotions, and it helps me to stay in control of what I say, do, and think. And that's one of my biggest takeaways from using the let them theory. You'll never ever be able to control what is happening around you. You will also never be able to control your emotional responses, because they are biological. They are automatic, just like how your stress response turns on automatically. However, you can choose what you think, say, or do in response to other people, or in response to the world around you, or in response to the emotions that are rising up inside of you. And that's the source of all your power." Let me give you a simple example around how you can use the let them theory in this 90-second research about emotions rising and falling if you don't feed it. Let's say that you've been single for a while, and let's just say it's the holidays and you're at a big family gathering, and a particular aunt leans over and says, "So, have you met anybody yet?" Now, you know they mean well, but the question hits a nerve. If you've met somebody, you'd be talking about it. Why is she asking me this? You instantly feel exposed, judged, and annoyed. It's also the aunt that just kinda grinds you a little bit and tends to just get up under your skin. And before you know it, ugh, no. You kinda turn in your chair, you're snapping, you reach for the second glass of red wine. Now you're withdrawing. You're venting about it to somebody else later that night. You're up in your head going, "This always happens. This is why I never should have come." Or here's one that came up for a lot of people on the team as we were putting this episode together, that you roll into your grandparents' or your parents' house. You do the hug, and the first thing out of their mouth is either, "You know, I never see you enough," or, "You haven't been here in a year." And you're thinking, "I'm standing here right now. Like, wh- wh- why, why are we talking about what's happened in the past? Can you just please be with me in the moment? Why can't we just enjoy being together? Why do you have to comment on what's not happening? Jesus." Like it's, can you see how fast you can get yourself, like, all triggered? But if you know that's gonna happen, or you know there's gonna be a slight, and you know your reason for going, you're going to be with family, so you're just gonna go with the flow, and you're gonna let your grandma be your grandma. You're gonna let your parents be your parents. And as that grr comes up through your body, what are you gonna do? You're gonna remember the let them theory. "Just let me pause. Let me breathe. Let me not give this any more power than it requires or deserves." And l- let me just say one other thing. You know, I- I- I said that it's a really important tool to anchor yourself in why are you going. Like, if you hate your family that much, if they're that horrible, don't go. And if there's unresolved business, the holidays and big family get-togethers, it's not the time. It's just not the time. People's emotions are already running high. Everyone's tired. They're overwhelmed. They are hosting. It's chaotic when people come into your house. And when you got lots of people around, it can bring up a lot for everybody when all the personalities are around and all the old stuff comes up. That's not the time to bring up a deep family issue. That's not the time to unload your frustration. Don't expect to unpack years of baggage at the Thanksgiving table. That's not appropriate, because nobody is mature enough to handle it, and that's not the reason why you're going. Instead, go in with your values front and center, and if one of your values is making an effort with your family, then that's your compass. And if someone's in a bad mood, or if they bring up old stuff, you don't have to manage it. You don't have to fix it. If someone's sulking, you don't have to be the private investigator of the family and figure it out. You're there to be with family. You're there to go with the flow. So stay focused on what matters, which is showing up, not fixing everything. Remind yourself, "Just let me stay calm. Let me take the high road. Let me be the adult in the room. Let me remember why I'm here, and let me respond from a place that is mature."That's the power of "let me." And one of the big questions that I get from readers around the world is how to use the let them theory with making better boundaries. Well, first of all, "let them" and "let me" are the world's best boundaries in the world, because when you say "let them," just let my family be who they are, just let them be who they're not, you're drawing a boundary between yourself and your family members. And that's an important boundary, because you're cuing to yourself that your job is not to fix people, control them, or change them. Your job is to see them as they are. So, that's boundary number one. Boundary number two that you need is "let me." Let me focus on what's in my control here. And we've talked about a number of things that are in your control. One of them is understanding why you're showing up in the first place. Another one is understanding the psychology of how somebody who's hosting gets easily triggered because they're stressed out, and so how you can just let me go with the flow, let me lower my expectations, and let me focus on why I'm here, because if I'm just focused on showing up to be with family, it's easier to go with the flow. But another boundary and way that you can use "let me" is by recognizing two areas where you actually have complete control. One of them is time, and the other one is topics. And I love this, because boundaries are not things that you signal to other people. Boundaries is a rule that you have for yourself, and that's what "let me" is all about, taking responsibility for yourself. So, let me have rules around time, because you're in control of how long you're gonna stay. You're in control, and you get to decide what events are you going to attend and when is it time to leave? You get to choose, is two days your limit? Is three days? Is one night at your parents' house or your sisters' house the limit? Do you stay in a hotel? Do you stay on site? That's the way that you can think about time. How is it? Let me determine how much time works for me. Because, you know, my family has this rule that we laugh about that we're really good for about three days, and then everything goes to hell, because everybody gets completely stressed out and frustrated with each other, and then we start having blowups about everything. So, three days is an excellent time boundary. Second boundary on "let me" is topics. You get to choose what you will and won't talk about, right? Do you talk about work, money, dating, politics? You can give yourself permission to not get pulled into debates, not get pulled into arguments that leave you feeling drained or angry, and to not engage in topics where you self-silence. Great example of a topic boundary actually goes back to one of the questions from our listeners. "I'm feeling stressed because my parents are divorced, and my mom's always trashing my dad." That's an excellent example where the "let me" part is, "Let me say, mom, I don't wanna hear about dad. I'm not available to talk about it, so let's talk about something else." That's the perfect way to use the "let me" part to draw a boundary and just shut it down. And if somebody crosses your line, right, you can simply redirect. You don't need to defend yourself. You can say, "I don't wanna get into that today. Let's talk about your garden." That's it. It's just a redirect. And I love that, because a redirect, "let me just direct this in a different way," keeps you in control. And I love these two boundaries, 'cause I think that's all you need. And around this time of year, you start to see a ton of stuff online about big boundaries and big, bold declarations, and before you see your family, get those boundaries in place. Well, here's what I'm gonna tell you. If your family's that bad, don't go, number one, because you shouldn't have to armor up in order to protect yourself in an environment like that. If you already have to say, "I will not be spoken to in that way," then you probably shouldn't be going to the dinner. The fire is already burning. The temperature in that room is way too hot. And so instead of walking in swinging, instead of bracing, instead of gripping the wheel as you drive, just walk in smart. And you've got your boundaries with time, you got your boundaries with topic. You understand you're just letting people be who they are because they've always been this way, you're not expecting them to be any different, but if you notice that things are slipping, if you notice that the redirecting isn't working, if you notice that there's a little bit more conflict happening, there are simple ways to diffuse it. And there's a line that I've been using a lot that I really love as somebody recently tried to pick an argument with me, and it's this: "I see the facts differently." That's it. "I see the facts differently." When you say, "I see the facts differently," you are telling the person that's trying to pick an argument that this is not up for debate. "I'm not arguing about the facts, and I see the facts differently." That's it. It's simple. It's firm. It is respectful. It's confident. And one other thing that I wanna share with you that has been an incredible strategy that I've learned using the let them theory is: The more I've learned to let people be who they are, the more I've embraced the reality that people are not changing, and I'm not gonna fix this or improve the dynamic by changing them, I gotta change how I approach this. Everything flips. I don't walk in bracing for conflict, because when you let people be who they are and who they're not, you don't have to brace. You know exactly who you're dealing with. If you've got somebody who's narcissistic, they've always been this way. Let them,That way, you don't have to brace. You can expect it to be that way. If you have somebody who's self-centered, let them. If you have a victim in your family, let them be the victim all the time. You don't even need to brace for it, because you actually recognize it. And what ends up happening when you're no longer bracing for conflict, you're embracing the reality, it is what it is, as some people like to say, you now have the time and energy to have a plan to redirect things and bring totally different energy, the kind of energy that you want to experience. When you change the energy, you set the tone. So, stop preparing to defend yourself, and instead prepare something else that's fun. Why not pack a puzzle? Why not pack a card game? How about you find fun little gifts for everybody? Or use AI and come up with a bunch of questions that get people talking. "What are you looking forward to?" Find a way to spread out the energy in the room. For example, what I love is, look at where you're going. Do a little bit of research. See if there's anything cool going on, whether it's a corn maze or it's a new museum, and actually plan for it. Have you ever noticed a lot of the time when you go see family, everybody arrives and it's like, "What are we doing tomorrow?" "Oh, whatever you want." But nobody's planned anything, and so everybody's sitting around. But you can bring the energy of adventure. You could bring the energy of, "Hey, let's all go do this." You can bring the energy of spreading out a pu- a puzzle. Because people will roll their eyes, but then they're gonna come over and start doing the puzzle with you. Let me read to you one last passage from The Let Them Theory. This is from the chapter How to Love Difficult People on page 103. And, you know, we've talked a lot about how other people annoy, ugh, but the truth is, family matters, and so does connection. And one of the greatest things about learning how to use The Let Them Theory and bringing it home to your family gatherings and giving The Let Them Theory to everybody in your family is that it actually teaches you, through acceptance and through emotional maturity, how to create the space for a deeper connection with the people that you really love in your life. And, you know, I get it. It is easy to be irritated or offended by your parents. It's easy to blame them. It's also easy to feel frustrated and annoyed with the dynamics with your siblings, or your divorced parents, or your in-laws, or your step-parents, or your adult children. It's easy to choose not to understand their perspectives. But you have to decide whether or not you're gonna accept people as they are, your family, and your step-family especially, or create the distance that you need. Because all it takes is one person to change the way they show up in a family, and the entire system can change for the better. And that person is you. I mean it. You are so much more powerful than you believe. That's why I love The Let Them Theory. By learning to focus on what you can control, your thoughts, your actions, your energy, your healing, you unlock the power to change not only yourself, but the world around you. It all starts with you. That's how much power you have. Any time you improve yourself, it improves all of your relationships, and this is particularly true with family. I've felt this impact in my own family. The stuff that used to bother me doesn't stress me out anymore. I don't allow myself to get sucked into the drama. I just stay laser focused on how I show up and living my life in a way that makes me proud. One of the things that I've determined for myself is that it is important for me to have a close relationship with my family, and wasting my time and energy allowing them to stress me out or trying to control situations that are beyond my control, or change people who aren't ready to change, it's a waste of time. Because here's the truth: you have a limited amount of time with your loved ones. At some point, you're gonna realize that your parents aren't going to be here forever, and that this was their first time as a human being, too. People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. Most people haven't gone to therapy, they haven't looked at their issues, and they don't want to. Let your parents be less than what you deserve. Let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale, because they're doing the best they can with the resources and life experiences they have. And now you get to choose what happens moving forward. I'm not saying this to justify anything bad that happened. I'm not saying that you don't deserve better. Everyone deserves to feel seen, supported, and loved, particularly by their family. But the fact is, most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves, heal their past, or manage their own emotions. And if they haven't done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in the way that you deserve. Let them. When you recognize that, you have a choice in your life. Let your family be who they are. Your dad's not changing. Your mom's not changing. Your siblings aren't changing. Your in-laws aren't changing. The only person you can change is you. When you say "let them," you are seeing your family exactly as they are for the first time in your life, perhaps. They're human, and you have no control over what's happened. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward. And accepting the reality of your situation doesn't mean surrendering. It's about reclaiming your power to shape your future. Learn how to let adults be adults, and accept people as they are. Then decide how to make the best of it. And I promise you, your family dynamics will get better, too. And in case no one else tells you this, as your friend, I will tell you, I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to use everything that you and I have talked about today to deal with difficult people, situations, and emotions that used to drive you crazy, and still find peace, but come from a place of acceptance and compassion, because that's the way you're gonna connect more deeply with the people that drive you crazy that you still love. Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. And thank you for being here and watching on YouTube. I love being here with you on YouTube. Thank you also for hitting subscribe. If that's lit up, please hit subscribe. It's the best way for you to say, "Thank you, Mel. I love these." And I know you're wondering, "What should I watch next?" Oh, my gosh. After we just covered this, you're gonna love this episode next, and I will be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.