How To Reset Your Mind for Calm & Control

When my husband and I dropped our son, Oakley, off at college a couple of weeks ago, (camera shutter clicks) there was a particular moment that I cannot stop thinking about. We were just about to leave, and all of a sudden, our 19-year-old son pulled out his stuffed animal from childhood and his tattered blankie that he has had since he was born, and then he put them both right in the middle of his freshman dorm bed. (camera shutter clicks) And it got me thinking, do you still have your old blankie (camera shutter clicks) or your favorite teddy or bunny? I- I wish I did. You know, those well-loved, beat-up stuffed animals that you had as a kid, the ones that you hugged so hard and the fabric smells like a mix of bad breath and old Doritos and pure magic. Comforting things are way more important than you think. They're not just relics from your childhood, these are essential tools for your brain. And today, you and I are gonna dig into the surprising and profound science of simple comforts in your day-to-day life. (Clock ticking) Hey, it's your friend Mel. I am so excited that you're here. It is always an honor to spend time with you and to be together. If you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. You know, I know you're the type of person that values your time, and you're also interested in learning about ways that you can improve your life. I love that, and so I want you to know that I think it's really cool that you chose to spend your time listening to the exact podcast that is gonna help you do both of those things. So like I was telling you earlier, you know, we moved our son, Oakley, into freshman year of college, and there was this moment where we were about to leave and all of a sudden he pulls out his childhood blankie, which at this point is basically a bunch of shreds of fabric, and his beloved teddy. And I was so moved by this moment right before we were about to leave where he took Teddy and Blankie out, and he put them right front and center on his bed in front of his pillows. He didn't stick them behind the pillows, he didn't stuff them in a drawer, he proudly displayed these two things that he cares about right there. And the moment really struck me, and I think it struck me for two reasons. The first one, of course, is, you know, I can remember when he was teeny and he'd be dragging these two things around, and, you know, if you've ever seen a kid that has a stuffed animal or a blankie and they're, like, almost bigger than the kid, it's like they're gonna fall, th- I- I just remember it was like yesterday. And now he's six foot, like, gosh, is he six foot one? And he's putting it up on his lofted bed, and I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, my little guy," like, and now he's in college, and now these two little things that he was dragging around are going to school with him. And so I had this whole moment about how time is like a melting ice cube, and it's just going so fast, and I hate that. But the second thing that struck me is how much he cares about these two things, and what that represents. And what it represents is this deep power of simple things that bring you comfort, and that's what we're gonna talk about in this episode. And I'm gonna use the story of Oakley and these two objects and some of the things that bring me comfort, and I'm gonna invite you to think about all kinds of ways that you can bring the power of simple comforts into your day-to-day life. And as you listen to the story and as we unpack some of the science, we're gonna bring in a really well-renowned psychiatrist from Harvard that you're gonna just love. We're gonna talk about the research on what's actually happening when you seek out comfort intentionally, and why this is important, and we're gonna attack this from two levels. The first thing that you and I are gonna talk about is what comfort provides in your life. What's happening in your brain when you have things in your life that bring you comfort? And it could be anything, absolutely anything. It could be rituals that you do that bring you comfort at the beginning or end of the day. It could be a particular object. It could be something that you see, or a sound, or a smell, or a taste. It could be a meal that you just love. In fact, our daughter lives in Los Angeles, and whenever she comes home to Southern Vermont, there is a particular meal that she really wants me to cook. In fact, come to think of it, just this morning, she texted me and asked me for this chili recipe that I make. Why? Because it brings her comfort. And the second thing that we're gonna dig into, and this blew my mind when I was researching this topic to be able to have this conversation with you, that you and I know that you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone. I'm showing up here all the time talking about the importance of taking risks, growing, stretching, the fact that you're designed to push through your fears, and your excuses, and learn new things, and try new things. But here's what I didn't realize. What I didn't realize is how important it is when you push yourself out of your comfort zone to actually intentionally come back and drop into your comfort zone, that there is this essential partnership between stretching yourself and actually using a moment of comfort to reset yourself and help yourself stretch again. And I'm gonna share a lot about the things that bring me comfort throughout this episode, and since you're the kind of person that really wants to enjoy your life, I'm gonna invite you right now to start to think about all the little things around you that bring you comfort, too, and you maybe even take them for granted like I did.You and I are just gonna take this highlighter, and we're gonna highlight what's already around you, the things that you already love, and the importance of being intentional about the value that they bring to your daily life. And the first set of things that I thought about as I was thinking to myself, "Well, what brings me comfort," you know? What is it that I would pack if I were going through some major life transition, like college? And it struck me, there's a whole set of things that I take with me when I travel that bring me comfort. Like, for example, I have this beige scarf. It's this big kind of shawl thing, and it was given to me by a bunch of students in one of the courses that I teach online. This thing's gotta be like six years old at this point. I take it everywhere. I never travel without it. And it has so many holes in it, you would think that a bunch of moths just took up residence inside this thing and had a party. And at this point, it's so tattered, I'm nervous that if I keep using it, it's gonna just rip right in half. And so what I've started doing is instead of wearing it, I now pack it in my carryon, and I wear a different scarf. I have a belt buckle that Chris gave me, and I've had this thing for like a decade. I think he had it made online. And the belt buckle is really cool. It's probably like three inches long and an inch high, and it has a black and white photo on it of our kids. But here's the catch. The photo is a really old photo. It was taken when Oakley, who's now 19, was a baby. And Sawyer, who is our oldest, she's now 25, she was probably seven in this photo. And Kendall, who's now 24, she was six years old. And every single time I travel and every time I get on a stage to give a keynote speech, I wear that belt. People always comment whenever I wear it without fail, "Oh my gosh, I love that belt. Where did you get it? Are those your kids?" And then I point to it and I go, "Yeah, and she's 25, and he's 19, and she's 24. And you know what? I love this belt because it's the best way to travel with your kids." Gets a laugh every time. And the reason why I love this belt so much is that it makes me feel like my kids are with me, and that brings me a sense of comfort. And that's not all that I take when I travel. Over the years as I've traveled around, especially around the United States, and I've been giving keynote addresses at all these big corporate events, people come up to me and they give me little mementos that mean something to them, that bring them comfort. And they give me these deeply personal things as a thank you for the impact that my work has made on them, whether it's The 5 Second Rule or the Let Them Theory or The High 5 Habit or these podcast episodes. And so I've started to take these little objects and I put 'em in my suitcase. I have medallions that signify somebody's sobriety. I have wristbands that are tributes to people that died. I have a brooch, actually, from a woman that gave it to me. It was her mother's brooch, and she gave it to me as a thank you because she had been really struggling with hoarding, and she listened to something that we had put out on the podcast, and it gave her the ability to start to declutter, de-hoard, to get rid of things. And her ability to give me this brooch was a sign of her growth and change. And so all of these little objects now sit right in my suitcase, and every time I open it up, whether I'm here in Southern Vermont and I'm packing it and I'm getting ready to go away on a trip, or I'm in a hotel room and I'm unpacking things in my hotel room, when I see all these little objects, I feel like you're with me, and I'm reminded of the impact of everything that I'm doing. And it makes me feel less lonely when I'm traveling and I'm on the road. And for years I've been doing this, and I've been thinking to myself, "Oh, it's not a big deal. I got my scarf, and I got my belt, and I got my stuff in my suitcase." But it is a big deal. It turns out, based on the research, it's a very big deal. Things like Teddy and Blankie, they not only give you comfort. According to the research, comfort is essential for helping you create a better life, which is what you and I are gonna dig deep into in this podcast. I looked into the definition of comfort so that we could all just start with, uh, the same baseline understanding of what this word means. Comfort is a state of physical ease and freedom. Freedom from what? Freedom from stress. Freedom from, like, the things that are weighing you down. Things that bring you comfort are positive, amazing things. It's like you see it, and your stress for the moment, whoo, disappears. There's not a single thing that you would say that brings you comfort that is gonna be stressful. It's the opposite, right? It's recharging. You feel this refueling and this sort of like powering up that happens. And comfort, in that regard, gives you the strength to face life's challenges. It gives you the ability to take risks. It can remind you of who you are. It can give you a sense of peace in the middle of the storm. And as I was really digging into this topic of what is comfort and why is it so important in our day-to-day life and how is it that it makes you stronger as a person, I just kept thinking about Oakley, and how when we dropped him off, you know, I wasn't surprised, honestly, that he brought Blankie and Teddy along. But I was surprised about how he displayed them so proudly front and center. No shame. No embarrassment. He didn't stuff 'em in a drawer. He didn't hide them on the top of the closet. He didn't cram 'em behind his pillows so nobody would see. Oh, no way. He put them front and center. There was no doubt in his mind that...... Blankie and Teddy were gonna go to college with him. In fact, when you walk into his dorm room, his bed is right there in front of the door. They are the very first thing that you will see when you go into his room. And when I thought about it, this wasn't just some random choice on his part. He was intentional. He was bringing a piece of home with him, something predictable, something familiar, something that brings him comfort. Doesn't that make a lot of sense when you stop and think about it? But you wanna know what's really fascinating about this, is that by Oakley placing Blankie and Teddy on his bed, just like they were here at home, this isn't just some cute, childish gesture. This was his brain's way of saying, "Everything's okay. You're safe here." That's what comfort rituals do. They ground you. They bring predictability in moments of chaos, and it's the exact same thing, when I really stop and think about it, that I feel when I open up my suitcase and I'm in yet another hotel room alone, it brings this sense of peace, and it makes me feel better. I can remember when Oakley was little. In fact, I remember when he got Blankie and Teddy. Blankie was this beautiful gift from all of my girlfriends. We were all raising our kids at the same time in this great little town outside of Boston, Massachusetts, and they had had it monogrammed with his name, Oakley, on it, and they had even bought Blankie from our friend, Carolyn, who had, at the time, had this little trunk show business where she was selling kids clothing. And so it was this deeply meaningful gift from my friends that was there for him, waiting for him when we brought him home from the hospital. And you wanna know what? Blankie has been with Oakie every step of the way. Seriously. When he was little in a car seat, I would tuck Blankie around him in his car seat, and when he started to walk, he would drag that sucker across the ground everywhere he went. In fact, if I hit that thing with blue light, I am not sure what the heck we would find on that thing, but I'm sure it would be disgusting, even though I wash it every chance I can rip it from him. It was not only the blanket, but the actual ritual of touching it that brought him comfort. You know, when he was little and he was nervous, he would just rub the ends of it, you know, and I bet this is making you think about yourself and what you maybe did with a binkie or what you saw your kids or your brother or your sister do, and now his blankie is just frayed all around the edges, and this little rubbing thing, it's called tactile grounding. There's no doubt in my mind that the science is very real about how powerful this is. And Teddy? Probably even more meaningful, because after Oak was born, he had this life-threatening thing happen to him when he was five days old, and he had to be rushed by ambulance to Mass General Hospital in Boston. They admitted him to the NICU and it turned out that he had been born with this disease called Hirschsprung's disease, which basically means parts of his colon and his intestines weren't working. We were so lucky that we caught it before his intestines ruptured, which would've killed him. So, he was at Mass General for 30 days, in the NICU, having surgeries on his plumbing, and Teddy was in the NICU, in the crib, with him the entire time. So these two, Teddy and Blankie, they have been Oak's companions on the road of life for 19 years. And by bringing them to college, he wasn't holding onto his childhood. He was doing something way more powerful, something that you and I need to do. He was creating comfort in a brand new environment, a space that's unfamiliar, stressful, and unpredictable. And I wanna stay here for a moment longer, because I was so interested in this moment and the level of comfort that Blankie and Teddy provide to Oak, that I called him, and I asked him to explain, in his words, what, what is your relationship to Teddy and Blankie? What emotions do you feel, and how do they bring you comfort? So he recorded his answers to those questions in his dorm room for you. Let's take a listen.