Why Having FUN is the Secret to a Healthier Life | The Mel Robbins Podcast

(ticking clock) (clapping) How's that for a clap? Welcome to a holiday edition of the Mel Robbins Podcast. Woo-hoo! What are we gonna talk about? Why don't we talk about fun? What a novel idea. Eh! Okay, wait a minute here. Hold on. Hold on. Fun matters, especially when it comes to your family. This is gonna be the holiday season where you and I open our hearts, we uncross our arms, we drop the expectations, and we pull up in the fricking fun bus. We bring it, people. We destroy this feast. (instrumental music plays) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to a holiday edition of the Mel Robbins Podcast. Woo-hoo! All right, everybody. I don't know what you're doing right now, but let me tell you what I'm doing. I am cruising into the holiday season, and in fact, today, the day that this releases, it is Thanksgiving here in the United States. What does that mean? That means cue the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving music, families getting together, turkey on the table, Uncle Bill talking politics, Aunt Irene getting drunk. Eh! Okay, wait a minute here. Hold on. Hold on. What are we gonna talk about? Well, you know, I thought a lot about this. What do I want to talk to you about given that this is gonna come out on Thanksgiving? And whether you listen to this on Thanksgiving or not, whether you are it located in a place where there is Thanksgiving or not, none of that is relevant because at some point or another, you're gonna be cruising into the holidays with your own family and loved ones. And when I started to scan the possibilities for what you and I could talk about today, and it's kind of sad when you google the holidays and holidays with family, the first thing that comes up are not articles about how to have more fun with your family. You know what comes up? How to avoid toxic family members, how to have boundaries, how to do this. And look, you may need them with your family. If they're that toxic, don't go. There's the only boundary you need, okay? You have permission from your friend Mel Robbins to decline any invitations this holiday that involve hanging out with narcissists or people that have been abusive to you or anybody that triggers your trauma, okay? That's just rule number one, because I want you to have fun. You deserve to have fun. What I am suggesting is we get serious about having fun with our families, and here's the reason why we have to talk about this. Can we have a confessional moment here? I know you're excited to see your family, or at least I hope you are, but let's tell the truth about what happens when we all get together. We're all excited. We send the emails. We can't wait to go. We bundle up. We pack the car. We board the planes. We drive to each other's. We give each other a big hug. We're super excited. And then what do you do? You hang out with your favorite cousin or your favorite aunt, and you ignore everybody else. Within a couple hours of getting there, you've caught up on college and work and your dating life, and you've talked about the weather, and then everybody's on their phone. Within a day, you're itching to go back and see your friends and get back into your routine, and you're ready to kill your sister or your brother. It's not just happening at my house. It happens at everybody's house. I'd like to change that this year. I'd like to pull up in the fun bus. I would like us all to walk into our family holidays and our family dynamics this year with our arms open. You know how you kind of walk into the holidays with your arms crossed going, "We'll see how this goes," and you carry in your expectations and maybe the slights from last year? "Oh, you know, it's gonna be the same thing every year." How about this holiday season? This is the one where you uncross your arms, you open your heart, and you pull up in the fun bus, baby. Honk, honk! And look, I'm sure that my family feels the same way about me. "Oh, Aunt Mel, she's a lot. Talk about a control freak. God, I wish she didn't talk so loud. Hope she doesn't drink as much as he did last year. This is gonna be a train wreck if she duh-duh-duh-dah..." I'm- I'm- I'm- I'm sure I'm very triggering, so thank you to my family in advance for still coming. But let's just promise each other that this is gonna be the holiday season where you and I open our hearts, we uncross our arms, we drop the expectations, and we pull up in the fricking fun bus. We bring it, people! We destroy this feast, exclamation point, because when you and I get serious about having fun, you know what's gonna be cool? The fun breaks apart the old dynamics. It pulls people out of their shells, and you're gonna see a completely different side of everybody that you think you know so well, and this matters. And I realize that you might be introverted or maybe it's your mother-in-law who's hosting and so it's like got to be a certain way or your family's just not into that, Mel. Or maybe you don't have a big family, but it's your circle of friends that you're spending the holidays with that really need to mix it up. How do we change this? I'll tell you how we change this. Fun. Fun matters, especially when it comes to your family. Now, this isn't just good old common sense. There's a lot of research here. So Dr. John and Julie Gottman, they are the most prominent researchers on the topic of love and relationships, and their research has found that couples who are happy, you know why they're happy? They know how to have fun together. Well, that extends to all relationships, particularly with your family. I know that the second that you walk into mom or dad's house, you feel like you're eight years old again. I know the second that you're around your family, even though you love your brothers and sisters, there's the golden child, there's the middle child, there's the favorite. You fall right back into the old roles. Well, here's the thing about fun.Fun lessens the stress. Fun helps you sleep better. Fun makes you happier, it makes you smarter, and it strengthens your relationships when you're having fun with other people. And you know that this is true. And look, you aren't the only one. Here's how sad the topic of fun is. Researchers have a word to describe the fact that you and I are not having as much fun as we should. You want to hear the words? It's pretty sad. Researchers say that you and I are living in a fun drought. I mean, my mouth is not just dry. Apparently, my whole life is dry. 97% of us, according to the research, and that includes you and me, wish we had more fun. 60% of adults believe that their life is just way too grown up. I know I feel that way. Don't you wish you could go into a time machine and sit back at the kids table again and be elbowing your cousins and laughing at all the adults? Well, that brings me to the next piece of research. 73% of us miss aspects of our childhood, like birthday parties or family celebrations. Let's just talk about your own family for a second. Forget about what your relationship is like right now. I want you to think back through time. What are the best memories that you have with your family? I guarantee you what popped right into your mind were the fun times. When I think about my family, the Schnaybergers, you know what I think about? I think about game night. I think about the fact that we love playing euchre and backgammon and we always divide up into teams and my mom and I are a great team because we love to smack talk and then it's like the ladies against the guys, and we will play cards for hours. Cribbage, euchre. I just love those nights. And we laugh and we're competitive. Or I can think of, like another memory that comes to mind for me is Wiffle ball. When my little nephews were, were tiny, they're twins and they're 14 now and they're taller than I am, well, I'd get out there when they were little and I would always have to drop out of the Wiffle ball game because I hadn't had my bladder surgery yet and then everybody would laugh about how Aunt Mel just peed herself. (laughs) And they'd try to make me laugh so I would pee myself. Or when we go visit my parents, my dad always rents a pontoon boat. And not just any pontoon boat. There is only one place on Muskegon Lake where you can rent a pontoon boat. This pontoon boat is like 30 years old. We have rented the same thing every year that we go back and visit and this thing's like chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga and the last time, last summer when we were back there that we rented it, it died in the middle of the lake. Honest to God. But it was a blast. You know, we laughed and laughed and laughed and my dad had to wave down a boat and get a ride. It was a whole thing. But we always have fun, and I guarantee you when I go back this summer it'll be that same 31-year-old pontoon boat and we'll all wonder if it will actually be able to have enough horsepower to do tubing. Now on Chris's side of the family, when I think about memories there, it's always fun stuff too. Like how excited all nine cousins were when they'd get together and they would spend hours and hours and hours, particularly in the winter, building jumps on this huge hill that we live on and then they would sled on it, and honestly, the last time they all did that, it's kind of sad. I bet it was about 15 years ago. Or another memory. Uh, this, we had this epic lip sync battle one Thanksgiving where all of not only Chris's family got together, but all of his cousins came too and it was every family was a band. It was this incredible battle. Absolutely amazing. Do you know when that was? 13 years ago. So it begs the question, if you always remember the fun times, why aren't we having fun anymore? And so before I talk about how we're gonna do that, I want to reveal the three big reasons why we aren't having fun. Especially around the holidays. And these are reasons supported by the research. So the first reason why we fall into a fun drought is because of guilt. And this may sound weird so let me explain it to you. I think it's been a hard few years for a lot of people and maybe you or members of your family are having a hard time, and so what happens when somebody has just gone through a divorce or maybe you've lost a loved one or somebody just lost their job or they're struggling or whatever, you feel guilty prioritizing fun. I mean, if somebody that you love isn't going to be able to make it to the celebration or somebody's passed away, don't feel guilty about having fun. Having fun honors that person. And so don't let guilt, or a maybe we shouldn't have fun or this has got to be ser- Do not let that guilt prevent you from bringing the fun this holiday season. Secondly, and I think this one's really important. You may have ideas for having fun with your family, like maybe you heard me say we used to have these epic big lip sync battles and you're like, oh, I'd love to do that. And then I guarantee you, you know what you felt? My family would never do that. And that's the second reason why we don't bring more fun. You're afraid you're going to get judged. Well, I can take care of that fear right now. You will get judged. Your family is going to tease you. Your family is going to roll your eyes. Your family will judge you when you show up with a huge armload of foam hats that you expect everybody to wear at the holiday table. Guess what? When you bring the poster board and the markers, when you bring the Wiffle ball, when you bring the face paint, when you bring the karaoke mos- machine, I want you to expect to be made fun of. You want to know why? Because that's your family. That's what we do. And you know what else? Who freaking cares? They're gonna complain anyway. So you got a choice here. Do you want them to sit around and complain about relatives that aren't there or about politics or about the weather or about how their back hurts? Or do you want them to complain about the foam hat that you brought that we're all now laughing at? You get to choose. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna ask you, please choose the fun. And here's the third reason why we don't have enough fun, I'm telling you, and this is the single most important reason, and it's dead simple. We don't plan for it.You and I are making a huge mistake. We think fun needs to be spontaneous. I get it, fun was really spontaneous when you were a little kid, or at least you thought it was. But if you really stop and think about it, when you were a kid, uh, all those fun moments, the adults planned. They planned the birthday parties, they planned the get-togethers, they invited your friends over for playdates, they bought the Legos and the puzzle, they turned on the fun movie, they popped the popcorn. And what I'm here to tell you is now that you and I are adults, you and I need to plan those fun experiences for ourselves and the other adults around us. Don't just plan something fun for the kids this holiday, plan something for everybody to do. So, I have now opened the kimono, people. I have lifted up the skirt, I have shown up here, I have... I don't even know what other metaphor to tell you. I am just freestyling here with you right now, uh, on this holiday edition. The bottom line is, let's admit it, we're in a fun drought. Second, let's also admit we had been planning on showing up at the holiday gathering hoping it was fun, and then just being critical when it's not. So here's what we're going to do, you and me, we're bringing the fun. And rule number one, stop focusing on all the logistics. Focus on the laughter. I'm not kidding about this. I want you to weave laughter into the logistics. If you did the work ahead of time to plan for fun and to make sure it's fun, it will be fun. And, you know, when I say don't just focus on the logistics, also focus on the laughter, I want to tell you a quick story. So we're hosting Thanksgiving this year, and my husband, thank God, is handling the logistics. And so he put together an email and he, you know, assigned all the things out that everybody was doing, and, "Yeah, bring the dogs and, you know, bring a bathing suit," and ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. And, um, everybody replies back, "Excited to see you," and we are, we're so excited to get together. And so now as the emails are starting to fly, I'm starting to feel excited. But everybody's just kind of commenting on the logistics, "We'll be there Thursday, we'll be there Wednesday night, we're going to bring the dog," da-da-da. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, our son Oakley replies, and he replies in all caps, "PEOPLE, WE ARE GONNA DESTROY THIS FEAST!" And I just laughed out loud. That could be you. Why not reply to the family logistics text chain with a hilarious GIF of somebody dancing with a turkey? Why not put in a hilarious photo of somebody in the family? Why not bring the fun? So don't just focus on the logistics. Make sure you focus on the laughter too. Now, let's talk about step two. How do you stop falling into the, oh, fun will just happen spontaneity category, and you fall into the, I'm going to make this fun thing happen category? Well, let's look at the research. People who are happy do things that make them happy. That's one of those studies where I'm like, "Yeah, duh." But then you're like, "Oh, no wonder I'm not happy. I'm not doing anything or prioritizing happiness." They work at things that make them happy. And it makes sense because when you try things that make you happier, you're a happier person. Well, guess what? The exact same research relates to fun. It's seriously so obvious it's kind of stupid. But let's have some fun with it, right? Let's not be embarrassed. Your life becomes fun when you plan things that are fun to you. Or even with normal things, you just bring a fun attitude like our son did to the email chain. All caps, exclamation, "LET'S GO PEOPLE!" And on that note, I want to share a story with you about the power of bringing the fun. Okay? Don't wait for somebody else to do it. Thankfully, um, we have somebody in our family who's incredible at this. Our oldest daughter, Sawyer, who's 23 years old, this woman always brings the fun. I mean, she is always doing something really fun with her friends. Uh, you know, I can give you a few examples. There was one year where she and her friends were out in Breckenridge, Colorado, and I was looking at the photos online, and they were out at bars in these colonial costumes, literally. Like, think Holly Hobbie, bonnets, prairie dress, apron. They had gone on a bar crawl in costume in colo- like, looking like women from a colonial era, like Little House on the Prairie. It was such a riot that, that people all over Breckenridge were stopping them. They were featured on the Breckenridge, uh, Facebook page. People were taking photos with them. I mean, talk about bringing the fun. That's hilarious. I mean, I'd never think to order costumes and go on a themed bar crawl. Who does that? Well, apparently people who have fun do that. Another thing that she did recently is we had all of her, uh, her college friends from Boston College up with their moms for a big mother-daughter weekend. And when we found out that one of the moms, who was a widow, had just gotten engaged to her boyfriend, Sawyer turned to me and said, "Let's throw a wedding." I'm like, "Throw a wedding?" She's like, "Yeah, we're gonna throw a wedding." And sure enough, impromptu, they made a sash for the mom, we made a veil out of a paper towel, like, you know, like a long thing of paper towel and flowers out of like, like, I don't, like foil. And then we blew bubbles and we had her daughter who was wearing this huge foam hat walk her down the aisle in our living room. And then Sawyer went like... It was hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. Why? She brought the fun. When she heard something, she leaned into it and we just impro-... It was just amazing. And she also did this repeatedly during quarantine. So, quarantine was actually a really awesome time for our family once we got over the grieving and we settled into the routine of being together because our kids brought the fun.Sawyer went through and made an entire chart for the month of March, and she came up with theme nights every other night. There was a family Olympics night. There was a bake-off where we, uh, divided up into teams and we had to bake desserts, and we also had to dress up as chefs. I mean, it was super fun. But the most fun night was a night that I had never heard of. This is a theme you should steal. I love this. It's an anything but clothes dinner. And what does that mean? I didn't know either. It means you have dinner with your family wearing anything but clothes. You're not supposed to go nude. You are supposed to wear something other than clothes. So Sawyer, for example, took two huge king-sized pillows and duct taped them all around her. So she put one in the front, one in the back, and then duct taped it. So that was her clothes or her outfit. Uh, I can't remember what Oakley wore and I can't remember what Kendall wore, oddly enough. But I took a champagne bottle box and I put it across my chest. And I, uh, ha- the way that I, I fastened it to me is I poked holes in the top of it and then I put a s- ribbon around it and hung it like a necklace, and then put duct tape on the sides so it stayed in place. And then I made a pair of pants out of brown, uh, grocery store garbage bags, like one bag per leg, and then taped the front together. Now Chris, Chris's outfit was something. Um, Chris took a, like a rubber pot lid. So you know how you have, like, a metal pot lid? Well, somebody gave us once these, like, kind of, uh, rubber lids that you can put on top of dishes, like in the summer, so that flies can't get 'em, and it had, like, a little knob on it. He hung this thing across the front of him (laughs) in front of his private parts, and that's all he wore except for a pair of clogs and socks. I mean, (laughs) when he came down the stairs, I almost had a heart attack. He had on a- he had basically a pot lid across the front of him with a ribbon around his waist (laughs) and clogs on. I'll tell you, we have laughed about that moment forever. And every time, you know, we get into a fight, Chris threatens to wear that to the rehearsal dinner for one of our kids' weddings. What you're gonna learn is that it's not that hard. It only takes one additional person to cause a major shift with you and have the fun be what everybody remembers. That's what we're gonna do this holiday season. In fact, this is called the first follower theory. When you're the one person doing something out of the ordinary, people think you're crazy. Like, think about if you were to go in at the holidays and you're wearing some silly outfit. One of my favorite things to do is to buy themed blazers, you can get 'em really cheap on Amazon, that are just ridiculous. Whether they have turkeys all over 'em or they have like, you know, holiday decorations or they blink or whatever, hilarious. If you're the only one wearing one, you might feel like an idiot. When two of you show up, now there's a party. That first follower that joins in with you turns you from you're an idiot to this looks like fun. Same is true about a dance floor, right? The first person that gets up, you're like, "Ooh, bad dance move." The second one, you're like, "Hmm, maybe I'll go," right? That's how you go from being the lone nut job to being the leader of the fun train, everybody. That's how fun becomes a movement. And so I'm gonna take the first follower theory and I'm gonna recruit someone to help me, and I want you to do the same. I am going to get our daughter Sawyer on the line because she is the CFO, the chief fun officer of the Robbins family. And so as I get Sawyer on the line, I want you to think of your chief fun officer, the person you're gonna drag in to help you. Because if you both are like, "Come on, guys," everyone will be like, "All right." And the fun bus will run the resignation and the cynicism right on over, and make sure that fun bus has a damn good, uh, music dance party mix too, because that'll also bring the energy up. So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, we'll be right back 'cause we're gonna take a short break. But when we come back, I'm gonna introduce you to the CFO, chief fun officer of our family, Miss Sawyer Robbins. Oh, and we're gonna talk about how the hell we're gonna make our holidays fun. And in the process, we're gonna give you some amazing ideas for how you can do the same. Okay. So Soy, thank you for being here because you know what? You are the funniest person in our family, not only because you have the best sense of humor and you have the wittiest and driest sense of humor, but you also bring the fun, and you make our family so much better because of it. And I just love that about you.