Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Mel Robbins (host), Vanessa Marin (guest), Guest questioner (pre-recorded listener/partner) (guest)
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, featuring Mel Robbins and Vanessa Marin, Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist explores transform Your Sex Life: Communication, Desire Types, and Playful Intimacy Mel Robbins interviews renowned sex therapist Vanessa Marin about how couples and singles can create more satisfying sex, intimacy, and connection. They debunk myths about sex always being spontaneous, introduce the concepts of spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and emphasize planning and intentional intimacy—especially for busy, long-term partners. Using Mel’s marriage as a live case study, they explore common blocks like exhaustion, bristling at touch, embarrassment talking about sex, and mismatched expectations. The episode provides simple, practical tools—conversation prompts, rituals, and mindset shifts—to increase pleasure, emotional closeness, and a sense of being cared for in and out of the bedroom.
Transform Your Sex Life: Communication, Desire Types, and Playful Intimacy
Mel Robbins interviews renowned sex therapist Vanessa Marin about how couples and singles can create more satisfying sex, intimacy, and connection. They debunk myths about sex always being spontaneous, introduce the concepts of spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and emphasize planning and intentional intimacy—especially for busy, long-term partners. Using Mel’s marriage as a live case study, they explore common blocks like exhaustion, bristling at touch, embarrassment talking about sex, and mismatched expectations. The episode provides simple, practical tools—conversation prompts, rituals, and mindset shifts—to increase pleasure, emotional closeness, and a sense of being cared for in and out of the bedroom.
Key Takeaways
Understand whether you and your partner are spontaneous or responsive desire types.
Spontaneous desire starts in the mind (“I feel like sex, then my body follows”), while responsive desire usually starts in the body (“once we get going, I realize I want this”). ...
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Stop leaving sex for the end of the night; plan it earlier.
Late-night, lights-out sex is when most people are exhausted and distracted, making intimacy unlikely. ...
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Create simple daily connection rituals: gratitude, touch, eye contact.
Vanessa recommends under one minute a day of deliberate connection: a specific gratitude, a six‑second kiss or 20–30‑second hug (to release oxytocin), and real eye contact. ...
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Separate casual touch from automatic expectations of sex to end the bristle response.
If you tense up or recoil when your partner touches you, you may have linked any touch to pressure for sex. ...
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Share responsibility for initiation and make it less high-stakes with better language.
Relying on one person to “drive” the sex life leads to resentment and burnout. ...
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Prioritize pleasure—especially female pleasure—and normalize clitoral stimulation.
Many couples center sex around male orgasm and penetration, leaving women under-stimulated and then labeling them as low-desire. ...
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Talk explicitly about sex, even if it’s awkward, using prompts or tools.
Silence around sex makes partners assume the worst—“I’m not attractive,” “They don’t care,” or “Something’s wrong with me. ...
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Notable Quotes
“We were not born being ashamed of sex. We were all taught to be.”
— Vanessa Marin
“If you're not enjoying the sex that you're having, it doesn't make any sense for you to crave it.”
— Vanessa Marin
“We've been scheduling sex our entire relationship—we just called it dates.”
— Vanessa Marin
“Sex actually gives back to us. When we feel truly connected, we become an unstoppable team.”
— Vanessa Marin
“There are no other aspects of our relationship that we expect to work perfectly with zero communication—except our sex life.”
— Vanessa Marin
Questions Answered in This Episode
How can I figure out whether I have a spontaneous or responsive desire style, and how should that change the way we initiate and schedule intimacy?
Mel Robbins interviews renowned sex therapist Vanessa Marin about how couples and singles can create more satisfying sex, intimacy, and connection. ...
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What small daily rituals—like gratitude, touch, or eye contact—could my partner and I realistically commit to for the next week to test their impact on our connection?
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In our relationship, what does “great sex” actually feel like to each of us, and how closely does our current sex life match those feelings?
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Have either of us developed a bristle response to touch, and if so, what agreement could we make to decouple casual affection from automatic expectations of sex?
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If I struggle to believe I deserve pleasure—especially given past experiences—what support, conversations, or therapeutic steps might help me reclaim a sense of sexual safety and entitlement to enjoyment?
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Transcript Preview
(instrumental music plays) Today, on the Mel Robbins Podcast, you and I are gonna spend some time together in the bedroom. If you can't talk about sex, if you can't ask for what you want, if you don't know how to bring it up, if you're going through a dry spell, or if you're like me and my husband and you wanna have more sex but you're just so tired. Holy cow, our conversation is gonna be surprising, pleasure-inducing, filled with practical advice which is gonna flip most of the things that you and I know about desire, pleasure, sex drive, and orgasm right on its head. No pun intended. Just imagine a world where you're having more sex, you feel more connected and safe. You're also having more fun in the bedroom. Well, that's exactly what you're gonna learn how to create in your life today. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. I cannot wait for our conversation today, and it's always such an honor to spend time and to be together with you. And if you're a new listener, I just wanna take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so glad you're here, and because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode, here's what I know. I, first of all, know you value your time because you made time and found time to listen to this, and let me tell you something. This episode is gonna deliver the goods, because today we're talking about sex, and your pleasure, connection, intimacy, fun, it matters. You deserve to have this part of your life feel satisfying and fun, whether you're single or whether you're in a relationship. And did you know that sex is one of the top three reasons why people get divorced or break up? But that's not gonna happen to you because improving your sex life, totally solvable problem. So if you're not having sex right now, or if you're not having enough, or if it's not pleasurable, or if you'd like to mix things up but you just don't have a clue how to talk about it or bring it up, first of all, you're not the only one. And what I love about our expert today is that she's even gonna tell you this was hard for her to talk about in her life, and she's been in clinical practice as a licensed sex therapist for over 20 years, and she's been married for 17. See, here's the thing. None of us have been taught about sex, and more importantly, everything that you and I have seen in the movies or what we think it's supposed to be, wrong. That's why you and I hint. It's why we fake. It's why we're tolerating less than we deserve. And the solution? This is the good news. It's right in front of your face, and wouldn't it be so awesome if it weren't such a chore or embarrassing to talk about? I mean, personally, I've been married for 28 years, and even I'm embarrassed to talk about it with my husband Chris. Just imagine a world where you could be having more of it and enjoy it more. Well, that's my mission and what's available to you today. So if you're single, just pat yourself on the back because you're about to learn something I wish I knew 35 years ago. If you're in a new relationship, I know you're probably having more sex than my husband and I are, but what you're gonna learn is gonna make it even better, because licensed sex therapist, New York Times best-selling author Vanessa Moran is here. And look, I'm gonna ask the embarrassing questions. I'm even gonna open up my bedroom and my marriage. Even Chris, my husband, has jumped in with some questions for Vanessa. I have no idea what they are. I'm gonna hear them live when you hear them. So, let me tell you a little bit about Vanessa. Vanessa is a licensed psychotherapist and a sex therapist with over 20 years of clinical practice helping people have healthier, more satisfying sex lives. She's known for her work in making sex therapy more accessible. She is the author of the New York Times best-selling book, Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, and she and her husband Zander also host the number one rated sexuality podcast called Pillow Talks. You're gonna love her. So let's jump in, 'cause I got questions and I know you do too. Vanessa Moran, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
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