The Most Important Sex Advice No One Ever Told You: Revamp Your Sex Life in 10 Minutes
Mel Robbins (host), Dr. Rena Malik (guest)
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, featuring Mel Robbins and Dr. Rena Malik, The Most Important Sex Advice No One Ever Told You: Revamp Your Sex Life in 10 Minutes explores redefining Sex as Play: Science-Backed Secrets To Better Pleasure Mel Robbins interviews urologist and sexual health expert Dr. Rena Malik about what truly defines healthy sexual function and pleasure. They dismantle media myths about sex, explain the actual anatomy and physiology of arousal and orgasm, and normalize wide variation in frequency, duration, and style of sex. The conversation covers communication, shame, aging, hormones, mental health, and erectile issues for men, emphasizing that sexual health is inseparable from overall health. Listeners are urged to see sex as play, advocate for their own pleasure, and seek medical help when something feels wrong.
Redefining Sex as Play: Science-Backed Secrets To Better Pleasure
Mel Robbins interviews urologist and sexual health expert Dr. Rena Malik about what truly defines healthy sexual function and pleasure. They dismantle media myths about sex, explain the actual anatomy and physiology of arousal and orgasm, and normalize wide variation in frequency, duration, and style of sex. The conversation covers communication, shame, aging, hormones, mental health, and erectile issues for men, emphasizing that sexual health is inseparable from overall health. Listeners are urged to see sex as play, advocate for their own pleasure, and seek medical help when something feels wrong.
Key Takeaways
Sexual health is health, not a separate or shallow concern.
Problems with desire, orgasm, pain, or erections are not just “bedroom issues”; they can affect mood, relationships, and may even signal underlying medical conditions like heart disease or hormonal imbalance.
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There is no universal “normal” for how much sex you should have.
Average Americans have sex about once a week, but a healthy sex life is defined by mutual satisfaction, not a number—some couples thrive on 10 times a year, others on more; it only becomes a problem if one or both are unhappy.
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Sex works better when you treat it as play, not performance.
Viewing sex as exploration and fun—allowing for awkwardness, variety, and even mediocrity—reduces pressure, encourages experimentation, and helps long-term couples break out of stale scripts.
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Understanding and exploring your own anatomy boosts pleasure and safety.
Looking at your vulva with a mirror, locating the clitoris, understanding arousal changes (vaginal expansion, cervical lifting, lubrication), and knowing that most women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm all help you advocate for what you need.
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Presence and communication dramatically increase the odds of orgasm.
Focusing on sensations instead of to-do lists, gently guiding your partner (verbally or non‑verbally), and talking about what you like—ideally outside the bedroom—makes sex more satisfying and reduces anxiety for both partners.
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Pain during sex is a red flag, not something to push through.
Discomfort is often related to inadequate arousal, hormonal changes (like menopause), pelvic floor issues, endometriosis, or anatomical mismatches; these are treatable, and you should see a clinician rather than normalizing pain.
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Erectile and desire issues are common, multifactorial, and highly treatable.
Erectile dysfunction often reflects vascular or psychological factors and can precede heart disease; treatments range from lifestyle changes and mindfulness to PDE5 medications, testosterone optimization, and sex therapy, and men can still experience orgasm even without a full erection.
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Notable Quotes
“Sex is the only time adults play, so we should allow ourselves to play and have fun.”
— Dr. Rena Malik
“There’s no benchmark you have to meet. It’s not about keeping up with the Joneses in the bedroom.”
— Dr. Rena Malik
“Most women never get enough stimulation for long enough to orgasm if sex is just penis-in-vagina for five minutes.”
— Dr. Rena Malik
“If sex is painful, that’s not normal. Something is going on and we can help you with that.”
— Dr. Rena Malik
“Look at yourself in the mirror and say, ‘I am deserving of pleasure.’”
— Dr. Rena Malik
Questions Answered in This Episode
How might your own definition of “good sex” change if you truly saw it as play rather than performance or obligation?
Mel Robbins interviews urologist and sexual health expert Dr. ...
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What would it look like for you to take one concrete step toward understanding your own anatomy and preferences better?
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In what ways might media or pornography have quietly shaped your expectations of your body, your partner, or what sex is “supposed” to be like?
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If you and your partner could talk openly about improving your sex life, what is one specific change you would ask for—and what might they ask of you?
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Are there health, stress, or medication factors you’ve been overlooking that could be affecting your desire, arousal, or erections, and when will you bring them up with a doctor?
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Transcript Preview
Am I having enough sex? Am I not having enough sex? And I suspect you're about to tell me, Dr. Rena, that I need to be talking to my partner about this and not you on a public podcast.
(laughs)
Is my sex life healthy?
Well, I think a lot of it comes from what we see on media, right? We see these people, they see each other, they immediately wanna have sex. They rip off their clothes and they orgasm within s- like seconds, right? That's not what sex is.
There are times where I have been having sex with my husband and I feel like I might have to pee.
Mm-hmm.
And then I get nervous because I think that I'm gonna pee. But is that the same sensation that you might be about to (beep) .
Well, so that's part of it. So this is hard to say.
Oh my God, Chris is gonna kill me. (laughs)
(laughs)
(ticking) All righty, it's your friend Mel, and I'm so glad you're here with me today. I am thrilled to welcome Dr. Rena Malik to the Mel Robbins Podcast. She is a board certified, fellowship trained urologist, pelvic surgeon, and sexual health expert. She specializes in female pelvic medicine and reconstructive surgery and sexual medicine. She runs an extraordinarily busy medical practice that offers patient focused care in sexual health, bladder health, and hormone management, including an expertise in menopause and low testosterone. Dr. Rena is a powerhouse and she is known for her no shame science backed YouTube videos on sexual health that have over 300 million views. Dr. Rena has also published over 80 peer reviewed research articles and she was recently distinguished with the title of the 2020 American Urological Association Young Urologist of the Year Award. And if I keep talking to you about her credentials, I am going to chicken out on all the embarrassing questions about sex that are on my note cards in front of me. So how about you and I just jump right in? Because you and I have a lot to learn on how to have better sex starting tonight. I cannot wait to dig into this conversation.
I'm so glad to be here.
So I wanna start by just asking you to speak directly to the person who's listening and explain what they might expect to change about their life if they take everything that you're about to share today to heart.
Yeah. So when you listen to this episode, you are gonna figure out the answers to all those embarrassing questions you've never felt comfortable asking anyone. You're gonna feel more comfortable in your body. You will probably go take a mirror and look at your genitals and really analyze them because that's really important. We don't look at our bodies. So keep listening. You're gonna learn a ton of very important, helpful information that'll help you feel empowered to take care of your sex life.
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