How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Gosh, I wish I wasn't on my phone so much? (upbeat music) I wish I wasn't constantly wasting time scrolling." The research shows that the average person in the United States is spending seven hours a day consuming media on your phone. Seven hours a day. It has snuck up on you, and it did it on purpose. But here's the problem: if you don't understand that you're supposed to use this as a tool, you become the tool. So if you're ready to stop letting your brain be hijacked by big tech and by your phone, then you are in the right place, because I'm about to change the way you see the world. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here, and I'm also so excited about the conversation today. This is a topic I am absolutely passionate about. I have so much to share with you, to teach you, to have you just really ... It's the kinda conversation that just makes you look at the world and what's possible differently. And so let me just start by saying thank you for being here. It is always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together. And if you are a new listener, I also wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am glad that you're here, and because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you, even though we may not have met in real life yet. I know that you're the kind of person who probably doesn't have a lot of free time, but you've made time to listen to this, because you value how you spend your time, and that's what we're gonna talk about today. We're gonna talk about time, and we're gonna talk about a particular kinda lane on it that's really important. See, you and I and every single person that you know is screwing themselves over right now when it comes to time, when it comes to energy, when it comes to attention. And there's a reason why we keep doing this to ourselves, and here's why. It's because you don't realize that the world that you now live in, and big tech, and in particular, let me grab my phone right now, I'm gonna grab my phone, that your phone is now designed for a singular purpose. You ready? It is designed to steal your time and attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everybody can market everything about connection and all the wonderful things about your phone and the internet and social media, and it's true. There's a lot of wonderful things about your phone. But the number one thing that this phone is designed to do is it is designed to steal your time and attention, and this is a really big deal. By the time you and I are done talking today, you will never actually look at your phone the same way again, and this is important, because you do need to change the way that you look at your phone. I'm gonna explain that the world and tech and the phone and social media, holy cow, in the last five years, it has completely changed, and you and I need to have a huge wake-up call, because when I paint the picture of what this phone is actually designed to do, it's gonna change your motivation for how you use it and when you use it. And, you know, I've been talking about this topic, it's called the attention economy, for years. I mean, I've been traveling the world. You and I may just be kinda getting to know each other through the Mel Robbins Podcast, but for almost a decade, I spent most of my career traveling around the world and speaking at huge events being put on by some of the biggest brands in the world, talking about all kinds of things from behavior change to motivation. And a really big topic has been understanding the way that technology, and the phone in particular, is designed to steal your attention and your focus, because you and I now live in what's called the attention economy. And this is important for you to understand. It's important for your middle schoolers to understand, for your high schoolers, for the 20-somethings. Heck, if you've got aging parents that are now addicted to their iPad or their phone, it's important for them to understand. We live in a whole new world. We live in what's called the attention economy. Now, what does that mean? Here's what it means. It means your attention is for sale, that the time that you spend watching media, scrolling through your phone, tapping on certain things, buying things that you don't need, that everybody is making money off of your attention and your time, that you don't have to get on your phone and buy something for people to make money. You simply sitting on your phone and mindlessly scrolling and having it on, people have figured out how to make money with you simply having the phone on. And so takeaway number one is that your phone is designed to steal your attention for one reason and one reason only: because people are making money on you (laughs) . It's that simple. They're making money on you. And I'm gonna unpack this in detail so that you really understand what your phone is, what it isn't, and that from this point forward, even if you're in middle school and you're listening to me, or you're 80 years old and you're listening to me, or you're 50 years old and you're frustrated because you can't get your family to just connect over dinner because everybody's on their phone-Well, the reason why this is true is because the phone is designed to keep you on it. Like that's what you have to understand, that the rules have fundamentally changed, and not enough of us are talking about it. I didn't figure this out until a couple years ago when I started looking into the research around focus and attention, and I started folding in information about the attention economy and the way that the phones are designed, because I started to feel concerned about my own use on the phone. I started to be frustrated with the fact that my kids were so on their phones all the time. It's like, "What's going on with this generation?" And then I started to feel frustrated about the fact that everybody around me is constantly on their phones, and myself included. And see, here's the thing. Like I think you've had that experience, haven't you? Where you know it's not good for you. You know you don't wanna spend as much time on it. You know that when you're off your phone, you feel better, you're happier, you're more well-rested. We also know the simple, stupid advice for how it is that we can stop using it so much, and yet none of us do it. And so I started to wonder, "Well, why? Why is it so hard? There must be something going on." The truth is, yeah, there is something going on, and this is gonna be a huge thing. You've already learned one takeaway so far, which is you now live in the attention economy. Your phone is designed to keep you on it, because even if it's just open, people have figured out how to make money with you just turning this thing on and having it in your hand. I mean, this is no joke. And that's why we're gonna unpack the way that the world has changed and what's happened with the phone, and how tech is designed, and how social media is designed, and how ads are designed, and how headlines are written. They are specifically designed to screw you over, to have you just casually turn over your most precious thing in life, which is your time and your attention. Where you put your time is what your life is. And, you know, you don't probably know this. Your kids don't know this. The young adults in your life don't know this. Your parents don't know this. And that's why you're frustrated. I was frustrated too. You know, the research around this is kinda crazy. Did you realize that you're probably spending seven hours a day consuming media on your phone? And if you're just like, "No, I'm not. No, I'm not," uh, yeah, you are. Is your phone on you? Do you look at it throughout the day? Every time you turn it on, you're activating the phone's ability to make money on you. Even simply if it's tracking you, guess what? There are companies making money on the data that's tracking you and listening to you as you have it near you, even if you're not directly consuming media. That's what I'm talking about. And so if you've ever had that thought, "Boy, I wish I would just spend less time on my phone," or, "I wish I wasn't wasting hours scrolling on social media," or how about this? Do you feel like you're constantly buying things that you didn't actually mean to buy? You know, the thing that's laying around downstairs that I can't find the actual company to be able to return the thing to, is I bought a bunch of those bird feeders that have the little, um, camera in them. They were all over my Instagram feed. Oh my God, I've got like two extra ones here. I don't even remember buying them, probably because I bought it one night while I was scrolling through Instagram and the phone was on. And I even know that it is the attention economy, and I still succumb to it. And the reason why I wanted to talk to you about this is because this is a really big deal. The research shows that the average person in the United States, based on the devices themselves, is spending seven hours a day consuming media on your phone. Seven hours a day. That's 59 hours a week, 59 hours just looking at your TV and your phone. You gotta be very careful about the addictive nature of this fricking device and how people are using you, because when you wake up and are like, "Wait a minute, I'm getting used?" then I think you're gonna have a different level of motivation around your boundaries with this phone. And so first things first, we're gonna spend a, a lot of time talking about, what is it about the attention economy and the way that this thing is designed that has changed? What do you need to know? Because when you look at the world differently, I think you show up to the world differently. And if you find that you keep thinking, "God, I wish I would spend less time on my phone," or your kids are like, "I wish I spent less time on my phone," but you just can't. Like, for example, have you ever deleted TikTok and then you just download YouTube? Or then you delete YouTube and then you download TikTok again? If you have been the kinda person, have you ever set limits on your apps, right, and then you just tap out of the notification? Guilty. Or if you can't watch TV while not also scrolling on Instagram. I mean, this is something we're all struggling with. And you're struggling with it not because you're weak, you're struggling with it because that's a sign that the phone is winning. The phone is winning the game. The phone is changing your brain. The phone is getting you to just step right into the trap so that it can make money on you mindlessly. If you can't stand in a line at a grocery store or do chores or take a walk or even go to the bathroom without watching a video or listening to something or reading something on your phone, then you're in the right place, and I just wanna ask you five questions, okay? Five questions that reveal the truth, that technology has won this round of the game.... because the way that the phone and social media is engineered, and the way that people make money on your attention, it has changed you. So let me ask you these five questions. Number one, is your phone the first thing you reach for every day? Do you ever find yourself checking the same apps over and over and over again for notifications even though there aren't any? Are you unable to sit, take a walk, do chores, or even exist without consuming content? You know, watching a video, checking a text, looking for something. Does the idea of going somewhere without your phone make you anxious or uncomfortable? And finally, do you find yourself getting to the end of a long day using doomscrolling as just a way to unwind and relax, only to find that you feel exhausted, depressed, or empty afterwards? If you answered yes to any of these five questions, this is a sign that the phone and social and big tech has actually won this round of the game. I wanna be very clear about something. This isn't your fault. It's not your fault. If you're frustrated like I was frustrated with my family, I'm like, "Why are you guys always on your phone? Look at me when you're talking to me. Wh- what's wrong with this generation?" If you've ever felt that way, it's not their fault either. It's not your teenager's fault that they're constantly online, they need to be on social media, they're constantly wanting to do something. It's not your fault if all you wanna be in life is an influencer, because that's what you see other people doing online and, and you see them making money and you see them going on trips, and you... Like, heck, even your aging parents are now addicted to their phones and their iPads, and it's not their fault either. Not at all. See, we have all been duped by the big tech programming and the attention economy that we live in. Your phone, social media, the news cycle, everything about the role that technology is playing in your life right now, accept this fact: it has not been designed for an altruistic reason. It has been designed to hijack your brain. It is designed to steal your attention. And see, the reality is that you and I have been tricked into participating in and being used for a game that you and I didn't even know we were playing. You know, you and I look at the phone and we're like, "Oh, this is great! This is really great. I love this. I can connect with people and I..." And it is great. But if you don't realize that you've been lured into something for the sole purpose that you might buy something or that you might stay a little longer so that somebody can make money on you, then you are stepping into a game, and you will always lose. And I'm gonna give you a couple examples. So have you ever gotten off an airplane, and you get off an airplane, like especially if you land in a new country or you're going somewhere where there's like, like Orlando, you're gonna go to Disney World? When you get off that plane, they purposefully move you through a section of the airport where there's all kinds of stuff to buy, and the hallways are really little, so that all you do is see stuff to buy. And here's another example. Have you ever been to a museum? And when you get out of the exhibit, where do they put you? They put you in the gift store. And they don't just put you in the gift store by the exit, they force you to walk through the whole thing and see all this kinda stuff. Why are they doing that? They are doing that because they're trapping you in a place where they have your attention in the hopes that if they put stuff in front of you, you're gonna buy it. And the longer that you stay in there, which is why it takes a long time to walk through it... You know who else does this? Ikea. Have you ever tried to get out of an Ikea store, for crying out loud, quickly? You can't. They make you literally walk two miles through every single display. Why? Because they're trying to hold your attention. The longer that you're in there, the more likely you're gonna see something that you buy. The more time that you spend in there, the more money they make. And they're not doing this because they're mean. They're doing this because they're a for-profit company. The same thing is true about the phone, and that's why, number one, my number one goal today, there's a number of things I wanna teach you, is I want you to wake up and understand that if you don't see the game, you don't understand the rules, you're gonna lose the game. Full stop. Full stop. That's why you're screwing yourself over. It's because you don't understand the larger context of your phone and headlines. That's why they're sensational. I mean, that's why the, the, the news reads like the world is falling apart, because if you think it's scary, if you're worried and your emotions start to get all jacked up, you're more likely to click. That's why the world and the internet and social media, they're designed on purpose to steal your attention, and that's why we have gotten to a point in the world where we are all losing the game of attention. And you lose, first and foremost, by not even realizing that you're actually playing a big game. And here's the thing, you know, I should say right off the bat-I have a lot of mixed feelings about this, because on one hand, I do believe that the phone and internet and social media, these are extraordinary tools. They are extraordinary tools to connect, to share your art, to market your business, to be self-expressed. They're extraordinary tools to get information, to learn, to grow. Um, you can connect with people all around the world. I mean, they are incredible. The reason why I can connect with you right now from above my garage in southern Vermont, you're maybe halfway around the world, is because of technology, because of the phone, because of the internet, because of social media. So yes, they are extraordinary tools, but only if you use it as a tool, right? See, it's a great tool if every time you reach for this, you recognize you're the one who's using it intentionally as a tool. And here's the problem. The problem is you and I became the tool. Mm-hmm. We weren't paying attention. We were busy living our lives, we were enjoying, laughing about the things that we saw on the internet, and slowly what started to happen is we started spending more and more and more time on our phones. I mean, just to put this in perspective, the first iPhone was released in 2007, so we're talking, like, almost 20 years ago. And over the years, like when this first thing, like, started and y- we all had it for the first five, 10 years, whatever, it wasn't on your person all the time. You weren't texting all the time. You weren't on social media all the time. But something kinda creepy has happened over the last couple years. Absolutely everybody is on their phone all the time. It's like some sort of addictive substance has been pumped into the oxygen that we're all breathing, and now we're all like, "Oh, oh, wake up. Look at the phone. Always look at the phone. I gotta have the phone on me. Gotta..." We're all doing it. And so I, today, I really wanna share all this information with you. And you can tell that I'm very passionate about this. I'm passionate about it because, you know, everybody is quick to go, "Social media sucks, the internet sucks, you know, big tech sucks." And on some level, you're right, it does. But part of the problem is simply blaming social media and blaming the internet and blaming the phone, it doesn't highlight what's actually going on. And I said that I had mixed feelings about this, 'cause I do. I do see the good. I see the good that the phone and the internet and connection and social media and videos and information and tools that are powered by AI, I see the good. But here's the problem: if you don't understand that you're supposed to use this as a tool, you become the tool. You become a tool in a larger game that big tech built, that the internet is fueling, and it is a game that is built, designed, and it is engineered to make you lose. Like, I literally look at the phone and I'm like, "Okay, it's like the Hunger Games, and I'm the tribute that's volunteered, and I'm now stepping into the arena any time I pick this up, and it's a fight for my life." And if you don't understand this, you're literally screwing yourself over. It's like walking into the Hunger Games arena thinking that you're just kinda going on a camping trip. No you're not. Like, seeing what it is is the most important way to protect yourself. Seriously. I want you to look at your phone and go, "Oh my gosh, I'm, like, stepping into the Hunger Games arena right here, and only one person is gonna get out alive. It's either me or it's the billion people that are inside this arena that are trying to claw for my attention." And I wanna paint it in such dramatic ways, because have you ever stopped and considered that this device is using you? Mm-hmm. That it is a device that uses you. It listens to you, it follows you, it dynamically changes what it shows you. It is constantly pushing stuff in your face to click on or to purchase or to watch. And why is it doing that? I'll tell you why. Because there's money to be made on you. And so I want you to be very clear that every time you pick this thing up, that you are stepping into the Hunger Game ring. That's what's happening. And if you pick up the device with eyes wide open, guess what happens? You're no longer the tool.You're no longer the one that is gonna lose. You are picking up this device knowing full well what you're walking into, and you're going to be smart about what you use this for, rather than allowing it to use you, which is what's happened. And I think this is why when we look at everybody around us, we get so frustrated, because you can see that your kids, and your partner, and your roommates, they've all turned into zombies. I mean, how many times have you been sitting around with your friends from college and everybody's on their phone, and you're thinking, "Why did we even get together this weekend if we're all just gonna sit around on our phones?" Well, that can end now. It can end now because what you're seeing when you see people zoning out is you're seeing that the attention economy has won. You're seeing that they've stepped into the arena and they're losing the game. You're seeing that the intentional design of the phone is actually winning. And that's one of the reasons why I think it's so important to call out the fact that this is all by design and it's all based for money. That's what it's for. And the reason why this is important is because I think it's easy to aim your frustration at your kids, or to aim it at other people, or to aim it at your partner, that you're frustrated that they're always on their phone and they're never present with you. Well, the fact is, they're losing a game that they don't even realize they're playing. And I want you to start there, because blaming other people and being upset with them isn't gonna solve the problem. Understanding the larger context is the first step to going and looking at your phone and being like, "Ugh, ick." Like how cool would it be if you had the ick about your phone? Technology and social media and the phone and internet and AI, all this stuff is a wonderful thing if you understand it's meant to be used as a tool. But if you don't understand the larger context that I'm painting for you, that your phone is designed to make money off of you, and it makes more money off of you the longer you spend on it, if you don't understand that, then you are going to lose. And this isn't just social media. I mean, this is happening with AI too. Like, you know, and, and what's kinda crazy about this is, you know, let me tell you some of the lies that are happening with AI right now. I think this is kinda scary. Like, I literally was talking with my team the other day, and I don't even remember what we were talking about. Oh, like, I guess if you Google my name, which I don't do, but if you Google, "Is Mel Robbins divorced," right? Go to Google and you go, "Is Mel Robbins divorced?" Do you know, you know how when you Google something now, AI, like, generates a answer? And what's scary about AI is that it's generating answer from stuff that's out on the internet. And since there's no internet police, the amount of random, disgusting, horrible lies that are out on the internet about everybody and everything, it's kinda terrifying. And now we're stepping into a world where we think ChatGPT is right, we think OpenAI is giving us the best answer. No, no, no, they're just aggregating what's out there and serving up something. So if you go and you type in, "Is Mel Robbins divorced," AI is going to tell you I'm divorced (laughs) . I mean, it literally says, "Mel Robbins is divorced." And then, you wanna know what it does? It serves up a link to a podcast episode of my podcast where I am giving someone advice who is going through a divorce. So AI has aggregated information that's out there, randomly assembled it, and served it up as the truth about me. It's not true. It's not true. Like, anybody can make up anything about anybody, and it's now out there. And so I say this because you have to understand, and I have very mixed feelings about technology, about the internet. And one of the reasons why I'm so successful is because I understand technology. I use it as a tool. And I have also become more successful in having boundaries with my phone not because I'm reading research reports and not because I'm, you know, doing the things that the experts tell us to do. I have better boundaries with my phone because I understand the manipulative nature of the attention economy and the way that this phone and the internet is programmed to keep you sucked into it, because the longer you spend on it, the more money some stranger makes off of you. It's true. It's absolutely true. And so if you wanna spend seven hours a day consuming things on your device, just be clear, somebody is making a ton of money on you, and you're telling yourself that you're just wasting time. Nope, you're not just wasting time. You're actually making people money, because that's what this is really about. The more time you spend on social media, the more money big tech and influencers make. And I'm gonna tell you something else, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. This is sort of like saying to somebody, "It's your fault that you're addicted to cigarettes." No, it's not. You had an addictive substance marketed to you as if it was gonna improve your life 'cause it looks like fun, and now you feel bad 'cause you can't stop smoking even though you don't really enjoy it and you've got this horrible cough and you got all these people judging you because you're still doing it, and you feel ashamed of it, but it's not your fault.It's designed to be addictive. Same thing with alcohol. Alcohol is marketed to you and me as if it's required for a celebration, as if it does make your life better. And so if you have trouble cutting back or having just one drink or drinking less, that's not your fault. The substance and the industry has designed it that way so that you keep doing it. And when you start from that level that it's actually not your fault, now you have a fighting chance to look at this device and to look at the way that you consume media with very black and white eyes. And so the more time you spend on social media, the more money big tech and influencers make. So let me just ask you a couple questions. When's the last time you saw posts that were of your friends on Instagram? Like for real, when's the last time? If you're like me, I never see my friends or my kids online, ever. And, and I've even gone and, and kind of clicked them as my close friends, right, which I thought meant I would see them more. No, you know what I see? I see ads. Almost every other thing that comes in my feed is a suggested for you, so it's something getting served up, or it's a shop now. And then what ends up happening, and, and it might happen to you because you're listening to this podcast and you may follow me online, and if you do follow me and you happen to watch one, one reel, you know what's gonna happen? They're gonna keep serving up my content to you. Why? Because the machines that are trying to keep you on it, remember, you're in the Hunger Games, remember, you're in the arena, they're gonna serve up more of the things that I make to you because they now think you like it. And within a week, you're gonna start going, "God, does Mel ever sleep? I mean, it's like all I see is her all over." Well, that is the arena, because it's trying to keep you on it. This, to me, is manipulation. If this were an altruistic platform, you know what social media would do? It would just show you what people post in a linear timeline when they post it, and it would show you just as many posts from The Rock as it shows you your friends and family. But see, that's what I'm trying to tell you. You're the tool. Like, you and I go onto the phone and we think, "Oh, I'm gonna go on social media and just pass a little bit of time and I'm gonna have some fun." Be careful. You can certainly do that, but this is gonna try to manipulate you. Like, it's just like being in Vegas. If you've ever been in a casino, in order to get to any of the restaurants or to get to the elevators, what do you have to do? You have to walk through the casino. And what is in the casino? It's bright lights, it's bells, it's whistles, it's all this stuff trying to manipulate you so that you engage with it. See, whenever you're bored now, you pick up your phone. Whenever the movie's not that interesting, you pick up your phone. Whenever the teacher in front of the class isn't saying something that interesting, you look at your phone. When you're lying in bed and you're having trouble going to sleep, you look at your phone. If you're sitting at a stoplight, you're looking at your phone. Heck, if you're honest with yourself, you're probably looking at it as you're driving. As you're sitting on an airplane, you're looking at the phone. As you're sitting in a meeting, you've got your phone, like, kind of beneath the table and you're checking it out every once in a while. It has snuck up on you, and it did it on purpose. And that's why I need you and me and everybody that you care about that you're gonna send this to to actually wake up and recognize that this is not here because it wants to help you. It's here to make money on you. You know, the sad thing about the time that we live in right now is I feel like everything's that way. Politics, politics is now entertainment. Headlines, same way. The scarier it is, the more you're gonna keep checking them. And if you wanna see how much of a tool you've become, just check your screen time. Like, not even as a way to make you wrong, but see, I don't think any of us realize how this has crept up on us. And after just considering that you live in the attention economy and considering that everything is designed to keep you on it so that they make money, you gotta recognize that because the rules have changed, you gotta change your rules with how you play the game. And you gotta see it for what it is and you gotta take your power back and you gotta go, "Ick, w- I'm not gonna be an idiot. I'm not gonna allow them to just keep me trapped in this stuff so they make money. I'm gonna get in and then I'm gonna get out," and that's how I think about this. How can I use this device and social media and the internet to actually help me achieve my goals? How can I use this as a tool, as it's designed to be used to benefit me instead of me being the tool, and my use of it benefiting them? Do you see what I'm saying? Like, being smarter about it allows you to change how you engage with it, and that's why I want you to think about this. Because that brings me to the second really important thing about understanding that you live in the attention economy. Your attention and time is for sale and the world is designed to steal it from you. That's why you're tired.That's why you spend too much time on your phone, that's why you spend too many evenings just mindlessly watching one thing after the other thing, because the game is designed for you to lose. So now that you accept that, and I hopefully have given you the "ew" factor, and I've woken you up to the fact that you do have power, these are amazing tools, you gotta step into the arena, get what you need, and then get out. The second thing I really wanna highlight for you and for everybody that you're gonna sh- share this with is that there's a huge cost to playing the game. A huge cost. And the thing that you're about to hear because I wanted an expert to explain this to you, because when I heard this from a guy by the name of Dr. K, he goes by The Healthy Gamer online, he is a Harvard-trained psychiatrist who specializes in gaming addiction, and he's also a neuroscientist and psychiatrist who has taught me more about the circuitry in the brain and motivation in a way that I truly understand, better than anybody else that I've ever met or read or studied my entire life.