The One Tool to Transform Your Relationships: The Let Them Theory

(instrumental music plays) I knew I always wanted to be closer with you, and if I think back to before working together, our relationship, it was not horrible, but I don't think it was great.

There was something underneath the surface that made it not so great, and what was that for you?

You were never home. When you came home, all you did was talk about work.

Mm.

It was like all I wanted was your attention, and I felt like it was going everywhere but me.

Really?

Yeah.

I- It definitely was, and I'm sorry. (instrumental music plays) I was consumed with work because I was so scared about the amount of debt we were in. Me showing up in a way that makes you feel seen, me showing up in a way that makes you feel like you're a priority, me showing up in a way where I'm actually emotionally calm and I'm not tantruming or taking my stress out on all of you, that was something I didn't do, and so I did not provide you with what you needed. I- I fully own that. (instrumental music plays) The relationship is a lot like a tug-of-war. You each pick up the rope, you hook it to the U-Haul, and now you're pulling each other with all the baggage in the way. The fastest way to win the tug-of-war is to actually just drop the rope. Don't play. Let them. Let them tug. Don't tug back.

Every single time that I was mad at you, I was tugging. Whenever we used to argue in the past, it would be both of us tug-of-warring.

Mm-hmm.

I think what ended up happening is I would start to tug and you would drop the rope and I would fall down. And I think that what is so beautiful about the let them theory is you actually can't play the game of tug-of-war when one person isn't playing.

It takes two. Let them. (clock ticks) (instrumental music plays) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such an honor to spend time and be together with you. I am so excited that you hit play today, that you're here for this conversation. This one is gonna be amazing, and the reason why is I'm sitting down with my oldest daughter. Her name is Sawyer. She's 25 years old, and we have just spent the last year writing the Let Them Theory book together. And the process of not only learning about the let them theory and writing this book together, it has healed our relationship, and this is going to be one of those conversations that I know is going to be deeply personal. You're gonna see yourself in everything that we're talking about, and you're gonna leave not only with a deeper understanding of the let them theory, which is this mindset tool that I discovered, I don't know, about two years ago, that really helps you understand what's in your control and what's not in your control. And it helps you to focus on what you are in control of, which is what you think, say, or do, and to just let other people be. Let them live their lives, let them have their opinions, and really focus on your response. And a funny thing happens when you start to implement the let them theory in your life. When you start to say, "Let them," and you let people be themselves, you create space for change and transformation. Like, it's kinda crazy. The more you stop trying to control everybody else, the more control you gain. The more you let other people be themselves, the better your relationships become. And what I'm going to do today with you is I'm inviting you to sit down with me and my daughter, and we're going to unpack our mother-daughter relationship. And I promise you, you're gonna see yourself, you're gonna see yourself with your siblings, you may see yourself with your parents, you may see yourself with your adult kids, you will definitely see yourself with your significant other, whether you're married or dating or whatever, because the ultimate topic that we're talking about truly is that in most relationships, there's this invisible distance between you and another person. It's sort of this space that gets created over time with the people that you've known the longest or the people that you love the most or the people that you're related to, and it's this distance that gets created. It's like death by a thousand cuts. The small things that you try to let go, the passive-aggressive comments, the things that you feel kind of resentful or upset about that maybe happened in the past that you've never quite gotten over. It's not even that the relationship's horrible. You know, maybe it's that you really wish you were closer to your siblings, but there's just something there that you can't explain that makes it feel impossible to just feel closer, or maybe you wish there was just less drama and friction with your adult kids or with your parents or with their significant other, that there are times where it's fun, you really think things are okay, but you just can't quite get closer and have it be better all the time. And so in the process of working on the Let Them Theory book over the last year and using the let them theory, my daughter and I truly, deeply, authentically, for real, erased the distance and really became close in a way that we both really wanted to but never knew how.And so, I invite you to pull up a seat and to join me and my daughter, Sawyer. And before we jump in, I just wanna take a moment, too, and welcome you if you're brand new, because if you're listening to this episode as the first episode that you're listening to of the Mel Robbins Podcast, it tells me something about you. First of all, either somebody that really loves you and wants to either be closer to you or wants you to be closer to people in your life sent this to you, which means you have people around you that deeply care about you, and they wanted you to listen to this because they know that this conversation is going to help you improve your life and your relationships, and it will. The second thing it tells me is that you actually care about your relationships, because you saw this episode and you hit play. And so, my daughter and I are sitting down, and we are going to unpack the lessons that we've learned the hard way, so hopefully we can save you the headache, and heartache, and upset, and distance that we created in our relationship as mom and daughter, and you can learn from our mistakes, and you can learn from the things that we learned this year as we used The Let Them Theory, and as we wrote about it and researched it. And there's one thing I know for sure: You will never look at relationships the same again after joining me and my daughter, Sawyer. And with that... I just said your name very weird, Sawyer.