How to Build Real Confidence: 7 Truths to Unlock Your Authentic Self

When you start putting yourself first, you are going to disappoint people, and that's okay. And if you start making decisions that put you first and that make you happier in your life and someone else can't handle their own disappointment over it, that's their problem, not yours. And today, you and I are gonna throw out that rule book on how to live life according to everyone else, because you will never, ever, ever live a life that you're meant to live if you're constantly worried about what other people are thinking. I want you to reclaim your life force energy back for yourself and start building a life that feels more authentically like you. (clock ticking) Oh, well, hello dearest gentle listeners and watchers of YouTube land. It is me, Lady Mel Robbins of Vermontshire. I know I look a little different today. If you cannot see me and you're just listening, I'm in full costume because today's episode is incredibly special because it's brought to you by Netflix, and I couldn't be more excited to have Netflix sponsoring this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast because one of my favorite shows on Netflix is back for season three. I'm talking about Bridgerton. Part one of Bridgerton season three is here, it's out now only on Netflix. And I got a sneak peek of season three and it has inspired absolutely everything that you and I are gonna talk about today about the art of being yourself and seven truths to unlocking your confidence. It has been a show that my daughters and I have bonded over over the past few years. I mean, we watched the entire first season together in one day when it premiered. And that's why I showed up here today to record this conversation for you in my Regency era outfit, complete with wig. And this sucker's itchy so you know I'm going all out. If you're watching on YouTube, you can see me, but if you're listening, I've got on this big ruffly dress. It's sort of this rosy pink color with bows and flowers and all kinds of ruffles, and I have a fan that you can hear. And this wig is so tall it's gonna touch the ceiling, and boy is it itchy. I don't know how everybody dealt with these wigs back in the day. And I got a spot actually of Earl Grey tea here with me instead of my usual water with ice. (slurps) Ooh. I've totally immersed myself in the world of Bridgerton because I love this show. And if you haven't seen Bridgerton, now's the perfect time to start because a new season, season three, just dropped. It has romance, passion, plot twists, turns, fabulous costumes, beautiful cinematography, and so many life lessons. And it also has everything that you and I love in a good drama, complex characters, and you and I love complex characters because you and I are complex characters too. Now, without spilling any of the tea about this episode... (slurps) Oh, that's tasty. This season explores a theme that you and I are gonna talk about today, which is how do you become your true self? How do you show up in life when it's gonna disappoint everyone's expectations if you live life your way? In this third season, one of Bridgerton's main characters, Penelope Featherington, finds herself straddling two identities. To the outside world, she's just this quiet wallflower. She's always by herself, she's the one that no one takes any romantic interest in, but she has this second life that no one knows about where she is a scandalous gossip column author. It's like the TMZ of the Regency era, and everyone is reading and talking about what she writes, and there's only just a few people who secretly know it's Penelope that's writing the column. So on one hand, here she is this wallflower that no men are interested in, and on the other hand, she's got all of society in the palm of her hands 'cause she's writing the gossip column that everybody reads. And guess what? This season, it all comes to a head. She's at a crossroads. Who does she wanna be? Does she wanna live in secret the rest of her life as she writes this column? Does she wanna step into the spotlight? The big theme of the season is all about finding the courage and the confidence to be yourself, and I bet you can relate. I'm sure you've had an experience in your life where there's some part of you that's hiding from the rest of the world or where you feel like you've been passed over and no one's taken notice of you. So today, you and I are talking about the seven truths of being your authentic self. And what's great about these truths is that they're timeless. It's the same seven truths that you're gonna need to face, and so will I, when you unlock the confidence to live a life that is most authentic to you. These are the truths that Penelope has to face as she figures out who she wants to be when she... (gasps) Ooh, like I said, no spoilers from me. You shall have to watch and see. Part one of Bridgerton season three debuts May 16th only on Netflix. Today's episode on the art of being yourself and the seven truths is inspired by the Bridgerton series, but it's gonna be taught by me, your friend Mel. So let me get this big old wig off, but you know what? I think I'm gonna leave the dress on because I think this is a pretty good color for me. So today, I'm gonna share seven truths about how you can be your most authentic self. Are you ready? Awesome. So am I. Let's go. So here's the first truth about being your most authentic self. When you start putting yourself first, you're gonna disappoint other people. It is inevitable. You have to learn how to be okay with it because...If someone's going to be disappointed by the way that you're living your life, it better not be you. And I'm going to say that again. Someone is always going to be disappointed by the choices that you're making. But starting today, if you want to live a life that is true to you, it better not be you that is disappointed by the decisions that you're making. And there is no faster way to be disappointed with your life than living it in a way that makes other people happy but you miserable. Somebody will always be disappointed. And I can give you a bazillion examples from my own life. Like for example, when I met my husband, Chris, I grew up in the Midwest, Chris's family is from the Northeast, my parents were not that thrilled. I mean, they liked Chris, but they had always hoped that I would marry somebody that would bring me back to the Midwest. And now, of course, that I'm a parent, I secretly hope that my three kids, that their partners, you know, keep them close to me. I get it. So they were really disappointed that I married somebody that had me build a life with him far away. But the truth is, it doesn't matter that they're disappointed, because it's my life. I've got to learn, if I want to live a life that is authentic to me, how to make decisions that make me happy and hold space for the people in my life that might be disappointed about it, and so are you. So, if you plan to leave that corporate job and you want to take a risk and do that startup business, or you want to do something in the health space, guess who's going to question you? Everybody. Your partner might question you, because they're worried about whether or not you're going to be successful. Your parents might question you, because they're in a generation where you stayed in the corporate job forever. Your kids might be questioning you, because they're worried about whether or not you're going to be traveling too much for this new thing that you're doing and whether or not you're going to be around. It's okay that people question you. Just don't let their questioning make you question the decisions that are the best decisions for you. Here's another one. Let's say you want to start a new chapter, and part of that new chapter is that you're going to move across country. Are there going to be people in your life that are disappointed that you're leaving where you live now? Of course. They love you. Your friends don't want you to leave, because they love being around you. Hold space for them to be disappointed, but don't you dare, don't you dare let that stop you from doing what's authentic to you. And another one that you may struggle with, especially if you're a people pleaser and you being you is something that is going to require a lot of boundaries, when you start standing in your no, uh, and you're no longer a doormat, you better believe people are going to be disappointed, because they are so used to taking advantage of you that this is a whole new you. They're not going to like the new you, because the old you was a person that they got a lot of mileage out of, whether they realized it or not. And so, I am here to tell you, to give you permission right here and now to say no. I am here to tell you that being the true you means that your mom might not like what you do, your roommates may be upset about it, your significant other, your boss, all of it. But you got to learn how to start speaking up for yourself. You got to learn to say, "It's not in my budget. I can't go on the girls' trip. I'm not interested in another date. I c- I'm not staying out late tonight. No, you're not borrowing that thing." All of these things are not only reasonable to say, they are necessary for you, because you got to learn how to let other people down to pick yourself up and to put yourself first. You know, you're not responsible for somebody else's reactions to what you're doing. You're responsible for making decisions that make you proud and make you happy. And the fact is, if taking care of yourself means you got to let someone down, then let someone down. And I get it. This is going to be hard. This is hard for everybody. It's one of the reasons why being the most authentic version of yourself is one of the bravest things in the world to do, because you do have to learn how to let other people down. You do have to learn how to hold space for somebody to be disappointed or upset with the decisions that you're making when you know that these decisions actually are the right ones for you. And right now, your comfort zone is not doing you any favors, because people are walking all over you and you're pretending to like things you don't like and you're not speaking up for yourself. When you push yourself in this regard and you feel that discomfort, you're building resilience. And here's the really important part. It strengthens your sense of self. Because when you're a doormat or when you stay silent or when you make decisions because you're scared of disappointing people, you lose your sense of self, don't you? There's a, there's a little part of you that dies a little bit. And so, I want you to reframe the discomfort that you feel when you start to make decisions that feel good for you and you also hold space for knowing that someone's going to be let down, someone's going to be disappointed when you say no, somebody is going to, like, have a little reaction. You can hold space for that and still be true to yourself. Reframe this tension that you feel as a sign of growth. It's not a sign of failure. You're not, you're not failing anybody. You're actually succeeding and becoming yourself. Honor your feelings. Hold space for someone else's reaction. It's not your responsibility to manage it. They're an adult. Let them sit with their feelings. Your responsibility is to stay true to yourself. And there will always be somebody who is let down by the decisions that you're making. But starting today, it better not be you that's let down by the way that you're living your life. Because to be your true self, you are going to disappoint someone.Period. Learn to live with it. Here's the second truth about living your most authentic life and being your most authentic self. Being yourself is so energizing, and we forget that because it's easy to live a life where you're just going through the motions and you feel super depleted. And you know that this is true, that being yourself is energizing, because when you're pretending to be someone that you're not, it's exhausting. It's exhausting. And it's important to really highlight what I'm talking about here, because I know that you're gonna be listening and you're like, "But how do I know what's true? How do I know to trust my instincts? How do I know, uh, you know, to trust my gut?" I, I, I, "Ah." Yes, you do. You know exactly who you are. I'm going to repeat that. You know exactly who you are, and let me explain why. There is an energy that is associated with your true, authentic self. Okay? An energy. You literally feel expanded when you are living in your truth. And oftentimes, simply knowing that the people that you're around, the life that you're leading, it is depleting your energy, that's how you know you're not being true to yourself. And I want to, I want to really highlight something here. It takes courage to recognize that you're in a chapter of your life where you're not being true to yourself, where the people that you're around, where the time that you're spending, it's draining you. And I want to dive deeper into this and make sure that you have a very clear picture of what being authentic means and how empowering and energizing it is. And that term authentic self, what does that even mean? Well, let's bring in one of the world's leading experts, a psychologist by the name of Dr. Ramani Diversla. She's appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast a number of times. And I want you to hear what she says about what it truly takes to be the most authentic you.