Five Ways I’m Finding Hope and Strength Right Now | The Mel Robbins Podcast

(ticking clock) (rhythmic music) Have you ever had that experience where you've been lost? That's exactly what I want to talk to you about, this feeling that I think is really universal right now, of feeling lost. It feels like a huge dark storm has blown in, that the fog is here, that we're spinning around. It's scary. I want you to consider something. Yes, you may feel deeply afraid and you may feel lost, but you're not lost. You have you. You're not alone. You're not by yourself, you're with yourself. (upbeat music) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so glad that you are here because I have been wanting to talk to you for the last couple of days, and I have been traveling for work so I have not been able to get here to a microphone to talk to you. But I just have so much to share with you, and so thank you, thank you, thank you for spending the time with me. And a couple days ago, we flew from Nashville to Chicago, and when we got to the airport, the gentleman who was picking us up at the airport and driving us to the hotel, um, was named Ernest. And when we got off the plane and, you know, found his car and, he had the biggest smile and just radiated positive energy. You know people like this? That it's just hard to be in a bad mood around someone like that. They fight you on it with their energy. It's almost like they're a, a Jedi knight, you know, like (lightsaber sound) with their positive, just life force energy, is what I call it. And so he's standing there with a big old smile, and even though this has been a really long stretch of work travel, and even though I have been, like you, so overwhelmed and sad and horrified by the news that is dominating the headlines right now, there is something about his spirit that just lifted us all up. And so we're driving into Chicago and he's at the wheel and I'm in the back of the car and we're just chatting up a storm, and in addition to his positive energy, Ernest has one of those voices. These like deep, soulful, smooth voices, so smooth it was as if it was liquid butterscotch. And I'm just soaking up every word and if that's not enough, he also spoke in poetry. The kind of person that can just string together a sentence and you find yourself closing your eyes and just nodding along as he is dropping just one beautiful truth bomb after another. And all of a sudden I got this feeling inside me and I thought, "Hmm, I wonder if Ernest is a minister." And so I said, "Ernest, any chance you're a minister?" And he just, "Wua-ha-ha-ha." Just started laughing like, "You got me Mel, you got me. Yes, I'm a minister. Yes, I'm a minister." And then he went on to explain that in his opinion, the difference between a pastor and a minister is that a pastor is somebody who is responsible for a church and for the congregation of the church. But a minister, a minister is a person who spreads light and spreads positive energy, who ministers by lifting people up. Now, we were not talking about any kind of particular religion. We were just talking about spreading light, positive energy, lifting people up. And so I said to Ernest, "You know, Ernest, I am here in town because I have to, um, give a speech tomorrow morning. And I believe that when I am standing on that stage and I'm looking out into that audience, I am spreading light. I am showing people a different way to look at the situation that they're in or the things that they want in life, that I too am in the business of positive energy and lifting people up. And it would be an honor to have you come and to have you experience, um, me doing what I do, because I've been experiencing what you do." And he said, "Yes." He said yes. And it was one of those moments where I just love when you say to yourself, "I am sitting right here with this person for a reason." And as we got closer and closer to downtown Chicago, and as Ernest kept on ministering to the three of us in his car, as he was spreading his light and talking all kinds of positivity, I sat there and thought to myself, "I am supposed to be sitting here and he is supposed to be in the driver's seat and we are supposed to meet." It is just one of those moments, and I want to open you up to a really important idea, that sometimes the light or the connection or the support or the love that you need, it's not gonna come from the people you know. Rather, the universe will put a stranger in your path to give you exactly what you need in that moment, even though you didn't know you needed it. And what I didn't know is I had gotten off that plane in Chicago feeling exhausted by my work schedule and feeling so heartbroken over the news right now. I didn't realize how much I needed a little light. And I want you to remain open to the fact that there are going to be strangers that cross your path today, this week, this month, this year, that can give you the connection, the love, the light, the support, the help, whatever it is that you need, without you even realizing it....and you are also that stranger for somebody else. That you can, without even realizing that you're doing it, because Ernest did not step in that driver's seat and go, "I'm just gonna lift these women up." He was just being earnest. He was just shining his light. And the interesting thing about strangers is, think about this, absolutely everybody that you love was once a stranger to you. And all it takes to turn a stranger into a friend or to somebody who supports you or to the love of your life is taking a moment to connect with the light in one another. And so Ernest did come, and he was so cute. He arrived bright and early, and I was so proud to have him there. And we sat him right up front in the, in the audience of thousands of people next to our, you know, corporate client, and he just soaked it in. And then when it was over, we had some time in what they call the back of the house, you know, behind, uh, you know, the front of the house at a hotel. We were standing back there, and I said, "So, Ernest, what did you think? What did you think?" And he said some of the most beautiful things to me. He said, "You know, Mel, it was so amazing to sit there and watch you do what you do, and there is no doubt that you are a minister. In fact, everybody, Mel, is a minister, because everybody has the power to spread light and positive energy. Everybody has the power to lift people up. But as you were standing on that stage and you were pouring your heart into every single person there, did you notice? Thousands of people, and every single person was quiet as a church mouse. They were reflecting, they were considering what you were saying. And I want you to know, Mel, it was so much more than positive energy, because what you do is you make a way out of no way. You were reminding people of their power. You were reminding them of what they really want out of life, that they don't want to be stuck, that they want to feel more." And then he said this. He said, "Mel, do you know what you are?" And I said, "No." He said, "You're a lighthouse." And when he said that word, "lighthouse," it immediately brought me back to a really incredible childhood memory. I mean, lighthouses hold a lot of importance for me. I grew up in Western Michigan in a tiny little town right on the shores of Lake Michigan. And if, if you don't know the Great Lakes, if you're listening in one of the 194 countries where this show is syndicated around the world, and you've never seen the Great Lakes, they're just like an ocean. Like, you cannot see across them. (laughs) They are huge, huge waves. They are enormous. And so I grew up in a tiny little town that was surrounded by lakes that all fed into the great lake called Lake Michigan. And one of my dad's favorite things to do on the weekends, if he wasn't on call and he didn't have to work, was to get up really early and jump in the boat and drive out from the little lake we lived on, through the channel, into the bigger lake, Muskegon Lake, and then out the big channel, Muskegon Lake, and out into the wide, open, and vast Lake Michigan. And what he loved to do is he loved to fish for steelhead. And I would often go with him. Now, here's the thing. Being a little bit of a worrywart as a kid, I was deathly afraid that we would get out there to the big, open, vast ocean like Lake Michigan, and we would be swept away. Like, I had a really active imagination. So my dad would be having the time of his life with a cigar in his mouth, and he's got all kinds of lures in the water, and he's fishing the steelhead run, and my mind would be a-spinning. "What if the, what if the engine doesn't start? What if a storm rolls over? What if one of those big, dark thunderstorms comes in and the, and the, all of a sudden the wind picks up and the waves start going and the boat gets flipped over and Dad and I find ourselves lost at sea?" And there would be times that my dad would try to start the engine up after we'd been out there for a while, way offshore, and it would go (imitates engine sputtering) 　 and then it wouldn't start. 　 (imitates engine sputtering) Wouldn't start. And then I'd start to panic, and my dad would be like, "Would you calm down? Just calm down." And then he would say, "Mel, we are not going to get lost. Just look." And he'd turn around and point at the shoreline, and there, off in the distance, was the lighthouse. And the lighthouse that was on Muskegon Channel is a lighthouse called Muskegon South Pier Head Lighthouse. And what my dad would say is he said, "Mel, that lighthouse is always there, and that lighthouse is there so you don't get lost. See, it doesn't matter, Mel, how foggy it is or how dark it's going to get or if a storm blows in, we're gonna be fine, because the lighthouse has one job. The lighthouse is always shining its light so that it can bring you home. It lets you know that you're never alone and you're never lost." And when I would look at that lighthouse, even though it was kind of far away, I gotta be honest with you, it made me feel a little safer. It made me feel like my dad and I were not alone out there in that big old great lake, Lake Michigan, but that we were connected to somebody who could and who would help. And if you've ever been lost, if you ever had that experience where you've been lost, whether you're driving around and all of a sudden you have to pull over because you don't know where you are, or maybe you're in a new city and you're walking around in circles and you can't find your way. Or heck, I remember being, uh, a freshman in college and I was so lost at Dartmouth College. Like, I didn't know where my classroom was. So when you're feeling lost-It's really scary, but then there is that moment when either somebody stops and says, "Are you lost?" or you say to somebody else, "Excuse me, I'm a little lost," and the person says to you, "You're not lost. I know exactly where you are, and I also know how to get where you're going." And that right there is such an amazing feeling to have someone say to you, "You're not lost. I know exactly where you are, and I know how to get you where you want to go." And so today, that's exactly what I want to talk to you about, this feeling that I think is really universal right now of feeling lost, especially when the world feels like it's very dark. And when you're feeling lost, how can you navigate this? How can you move forward again? And I know that, you know, I, that's exactly how I felt this week. As I've been watching the news unfold, it feels like a huge dark storm has blown in, that the fog is here, that we're spinning around. It's scary. And I don't know about you, but whenever I feel like things are really dark or I feel very lost and I'm not sure what to do, I start to feel paralyzed. That's kind of my initial reaction, that I get stuck. I get angry. I feel uncertain. My energy starts to drain from me. I feel so sad. And I'm sharing that with you because if that's how you felt recently, I want you to know you're not alone in feeling that way. And it might not even be that you feel lost. Maybe right now because of what's happening in your personal life or because you live in a part of the world that is in conflict and crisis, that you do feel like you're holding on for dear life, that you are trying not to drown. And I also want you to know, if that's how you feel as you hear my voice or you're watching this video, that you're not alone. There are so many people, unfortunately hundreds of thousands if not millions of people, that feel that way right now too. And so today, I'm thinking about our conversation not like this is a podcast episode. I'm thinking about our conversation as me sharing with you how I'm feeling. And what I really want to do, because I've been thinking a lot about this, especially since Ernest and this metaphor of a lighthouse, is I want to speak to the situation that we're in right now. And in particular, I'm going to try to shine a light, a light so bright that I hope it reaches you, because we can't allow ourselves to get so caught up in the darkness that is in the world around us that we forget to love one another. We cannot forget to appreciate the small things or the moments that we have, even when the world around us feels like it's spiraling in chaos. We can't forget to help someone in need, and we can't forget that we, even if we're just watching this all unfold in the news, that we are just one step away from being the one who needs the help. And if you can hear my words right now or you can watch this on YouTube, I want you to consider something. Yes, you may feel deeply afraid, and you may feel lost, but you're not lost. You have you. You're not alone. You're not by yourself. You're with yourself, and there are so many people around the globe who care about you. And you're also not paralyzed. That's kind of our first response, right? When something scary happens, that we disconnect from ourselves. We disconnect from everybody else. We start to hunker down. We feel stuck. We start to get paralyzed. I am here to shine a light on the fact that there are small things that you can do right now, first, to weather the storm, and second, to start to see yourself and what you can do in a different light. My hope is that by the time you and I are done talking today, that you're not going to feel so stuck, that you're not going to feel so hopeless, but that you will feel reconnected to your strength. And you will feel empowered by some very simple things that you can do right now to help yourself and perhaps help somebody else who needs you. I am going to show up today and be a lighthouse, and I'm going to shine a light so bright because I want to illuminate a path forward for you that will help you navigate this moment. A lighthouse is not actually interested in who gets the light. A lighthouse is blinking in a rotation so that the light is there for all to see. It doesn't select or discriminate which ships get to see it. It shows its light for anyone within its reach. I love that. I absolutely love that, because that brings me back to you and to this moment and to the awesome, like, amazing power that you have. See, when I landed in Chicago, I saw the light inside of Ernest. He was just standing there beaming it for anybody who cared to be basking in it, and that light lifted me up. And then the next morning, Ernest saw the light in me as I was just beaming it out for anybody in that audience who cared to allow it to lighten the way.And you, you have a light inside of you. What is the light? The light is your humanity. It's your compassion. It's your ability to laugh, to love, to hug somebody, to listen, to care. It's what you feel in your heart, and that's why your heart is breaking right now. Your heart is breaking because you're seeing innocent people that you see suffering due to war, or natural disasters, or senseless hatred and violence. And, you know, I don't know about you, but when I watch the news, I have to remind myself, because it's easy to forget this fact, that these innocent people are victims. They are not their governments. And that's why so many people around the world need your light right now. And I want to talk to you about how you can tap into that light, and I'm also going to share with you some of the things that I am doing that are making me stay connected to my light and keeping me grounded and keeping me in a place where I am not getting sucked into this darkness. I am staying above it so that I can help and so that I can stay connected to my power. See, even when nothing seems to make sense, there's always something that you can do, and what you can do right now is to be a lighthouse for other people, to cast your light into this dark storm for anybody who needs it to see it. "And what does that even mean, Mel?" Well, let me talk about that for a minute. First of all, whenever I feel really low, I find that the fastest way for me to lift my own spirits is to help somebody else. So, in whatever way that you can, try to find ways to help other people, to connect, to volunteer, to serve others. However you can do that, when you lift somebody else up, you are being a lighthouse, and it always does come back to you. Help somebody else out. Find ways to be part of the force for good. I know what you're already thinking. "Mel, are you kidding me? I- I am sad, and scared, and horrified, and I can barely get out of bed, and I'm mainlining the news. You want me to help other people now? I can barely function myself." Well, here's what I have to say. Well, then, helping someone else is exactly what you should do. If you can't help yourself, research has found over and over again that helping somebody else not only feels good, but it does you good. And there are a number of reasons why. First of all, it distracts you from the sorrow, grief, fear, and worries that can become this echo chamber in your own brain that starts to make you feel isolated and paralyzed and stuck and full of despair. And by supporting somebody else in need, there are so many interesting things that happen with your perspective. When you're supporting somebody else, you realize you have more power than you think. I'm talking little stuff. You could run errands for somebody. You could work, uh, hotlines. You could check in on friends and family. By supporting somebody else in need, you gain a new perspective about your own situation, and there's something magical that happens when you start giving back, because you realize that you do have more power than you think you do. When you sit alone and you tell yourself there's nothing that you can do, you will start to spiral. You will feel more depressed. And I know you know this is true. I mean, just think about the times that somebody has done something nice for you. In those moments when somebody else helps you, you feel seen. You feel lifted up. And the second thing that I want you to do is to be soft with yourself right now, because the world's suffering. It is impacting you too. In fact, Dr. Thema Bryant, who's been featured on the last two episodes that we published, has this saying that whatever is happening out there is happening in here too, and what she means by that is that you are absorbing the energy and the stress around you. Everybody on the planet right now is impacted by this, and even if you're not vibrating with a lot of stress, people around you are. They are worried. They are watching the news. They may not be able to turn it off. They are worried about loved ones. They're worried about what might happen, and this energy is impacting you. And if you are watching the news, yeah, you can turn that off, but you can't turn it off in your body. And so, if you're having a hard time concentrating or falling asleep or procrastination has ticked up, or you feel like you're on edge, or you're starting to slip into feeling like nothing matters and life is horr- That is an example of how this is impacting you. And so, it is critical that you take steps to take care of yourself right now, because you deserve it, and in order to lift other people up, you got to make sure that you start by lifting yourself up first. And so, I thought a lot about this. How am I doing that for myself? And I came up with five things that I'm doing right now that are helping me to stop the overwhelm and stop the despair and to stay connected to my light, to the power that I do have, and to a connection to something greater than this very scary moment. And so, the first thing is spiritual practices. I am a very spiritual person, but since this news began a week ago, I have really become intentional about making sure it is part of my daily, and sometimes several times a daily, uh, thing that I'm doing. And you know that spiritual practices work. Like, one of the things I'm doing right now is praying. I'm praying for each and every single human being who has lost their lives or their loved ones.I'm praying for people who are in harm's way, who are fearing for their lives. I'm praying for those of you that are struggling right now with anxiety, and fear, and grief, and I'm praying for compassion. I'm praying for healing, and I am praying for peace. And you want to know what else I'm praying for? I am praying for our collective light to shine brighter than this terrifying darkness that has rolled into the world right now. Since the beginning of time, spiritual practices have helped people through some of the most tragic experiences. So whether for you that means prayer, or meditation, or journaling, or gathering with other people of a similar faith, or even, for me, just taking a walk outside. Like, getting outside, getting off my phone, taking a walk in the woods or... Here's what I did this morning. I was driving down the road and I have a friend that I've talked about on this podcast that is a flower farmer. She's the owner of Fleur Farm, and she has all these dahlia fields, and I pulled over 'cause I saw her working in one, and I left my car running, and I just silently walked through the rows in her flower field. And as I walked, I took in each individual flower, and I would stop and look at it, and I would look at the bumblebee that was laying there in the center, all drunk on pollen, and I got lost in the beauty of nature. And I'll tell you what, being able to connect to something greater than this scary moment that's going on in the world, it really helps me. It helps me to stay grounded, it helps me to be calm, and that helps me to show up in a very different way during this moment. And if you're listening to my voice or you're watching this video and you're in a part of the world where you can't get outside, just not an option for you, I want you to try visualizing yourself outside in your favorite place or visualize yourself with people that you love. If you close your eyes and allow your imagination to take you there, it might just really help. The second thing that I'm doing is I am using the 10/5 rule. Now, this is something I do in my day-to-day life, but I have 10X'd it at this moment, and here's what the 10/5 rule is. It's a simple way to connect with people that you know or that you don't know, and every time I share this, I always get people that write in and say, "Well, this isn't safe for me to do where I live." If you're comfortable, try this, but it is really fantastic. You can use this in a grocery store. You can use this on a college campus. You can use this at work. You can use this on a sidewalk. You can use this at a stoplight. It's wonderful. And here's how it works. Whenever you're 10 feet away from another human being, just look them in the eyes and smile. That's it. Look them in the eyes and smile, and try to hold the smile and your eye contact for three seconds or more, because a funny thing happens when you do that. When you look at somebody else in the eyes and you smile a big toothy smile, you are signaling to somebody else's mirror neurons in their brain that you are friendly, that you are a safe connection, and somebody else's mirror neurons can't help but then mirror your response. And so if you look at somebody in the eyes and they look back and you smile and you hold that smile for more than three seconds, you watch, they'll grin right back 'cause they can't help it. We are wired for connection. Then when you get five feet away, smile again and say hello. And the reason why this 10/5 rule is so great is because it's a simple and instant way to connect with somebody. The fact is, we are not strangers when we are all suffering around the globe, and we are all in this right now, even though we show it very, very differently from one another. I do not want us to turn away from one another, because when we do that, we buy into the darkness. I want us to turn toward one another. I want us to lead with our humanity, and I want us to let the light in from one another again. The third thing that I am doing that is helping a lot is advice that I got from Dr. Thema Bryant where she says there's a big difference between staying informed and not inundating yourself with the news, because how much time you spend watching the news does not equal how much you care. You can care deeply about what's happening with other people and not watch the news at all. I personally do not watch or listen to the news. I read the news. Why? Because I want to stay informed, but I want to protect my mental health. This is a way I can be soft with myself, remember? Because if I let my mental health tank and if I let my mood and my mindset and all of that go with it, I'm not going to be able to show up in this moment and navigate it in a different way. And so please try not to stress yourself out by staring at traumatic imagery to the extent that you can. In fact, my husband and I have also required that all three of our kids delete TikTok, because the imagery on that platform right now is way too much for your nervous system and your heart to process. And so please do not look at it. Focus on showing how much you care by your actions rather than the content that you're consuming. It's gonna be way better for you, okay? Next, this is the fourth thing that I'm doing that makes me feel a little bit better. I'm reaching out to people, and in particular, I am checking in on my Jewish and my Muslim friends.See, these recent events, they have sent shockwaves through both global communities. Please let your friends know that you care about them, that you're thinking about them. Please let them know that they are not alone in this. And another thing that I love to do is, that when I am reaching out to a friend of mine who is really going through something, whether it's this situation that we are witnessing right now, or it's somebody that just lost a loved one, or got a scary diagnosis, or is dealing with something very traumatic, I always reach out and I check in and I, uh, tell them how much I love them, and then I end it with this. "You do not need to respond. I just wanted you to know that I'm here, and you're not gonna go through this alone." And the reason why I love this is because when you reach out to somebody unexpectedly, it feels so good. I mean, think about the times when somebody texts you unexpectedly. You're like, "Oh my God, that's so nice of them." And when you send the text, you create that light inside somebody else. That's the first gift. The second gift is when you say, "You don't need to respond." Because if somebody's going through something very traumatic, they do not have the energy to check in with you, and so you give them this beautiful gift when you relieve them of the burden and the guilt of having to and not being able to. And finally, I have been thinking about this metaphor of a lighthouse over and over and over again, and I find it so empowering to think about the role that you can play as an individual in this dark storm, that somehow thinking about shining that light inside of you in a 360 fashion for anyone around you to see or feel, what a gift that is to give other people. And by thinking about that metaphor, it allows me to rise out of the individual emotion or heaviness that I feel so that I can take action and feel like I'm doing something. And the ways that I do that is when I see despair, I respond with hope. When I see sorrow, I respond with love. I'm meeting agitation with kindness, and I'm inviting you to do the same. Do not get pulled into the darkness. As I said earlier, the words that Ernest said to me, "We cannot allow ourselves to get caught up in the darkness in the world and forget to love one another and to help one another in need." Do what you can to help yourself and to help somebody else see the good in you and in them. And if you really don't know what to do, just smile at people. Just say hello. Just reach out to your friends. A little bit of goodness goes a very long way right now. (music) And in case no one else tells you this today, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability to shine your light at this moment, because it's a moment when the world needs it most. Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. (laughs) This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. (upbeat music) And thank you for being here on YouTube. Thank you for sharing this with people that you love. And if you're looking for a deeper conversation, I think you're gonna love this video with Dr. Thema Bryant next.