6 Ways to Use My “Let Them” Theory to Improve Any Relationship | The Mel Robbins Podcast

My parents have gone into a terrible financial crisis due to my father's gambling.

You're not responsible for your father's gambling addiction, and you're not responsible for rescuing your mother from it. They're grown-ass adults.

I grew up in a really abusive childhood, and it was my job to make sure that my mother was happy. Who are you then if you're no longer the fixer?

Who are you?

I've spent my entire life being the fixer. "I'll fix it. I'm going to make it right. I'm going to help you. I'm going to solve that problem."

Is fixing everybody else's life making you happy? Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Today, you and I are doing something so cool. I'm so excited that you're here. You know what we're going to do? Uh, I'm taking live calls and I'm answering questions from your fellow Mel Robbins Podcast listeners. I'm so excited about this because I have been wanting to talk to you live for so long, and today is the day, and I'm thrilled because the phone lines are already jammed. And here's what we're going to be talking about. We're going to be talking today about relationships, issues going on in your relationships, and specifically how you can use one of my all-time favorite hacks called the Let Them Theory to handle any relationship issue that you have, whether it's with family, or somebody you're dating, or with friends, or siblings, or your spouse. Like, this is going to be so sick. And if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast and you don't have a clue what the Let Them Theory is, no problem. I got you. There is no person left behind when it comes to the Mel Robbins Podcast, 'cause I know you're taking time for yourself to listen, and so I always take the time to make sure that we got you. And so let me tell you what the Let Them Theory is. The Let Them Theory is just this simple hack, and here it is. Whenever someone is doing something that you don't like, let them. Here's how it works. If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If there's a person that you're really attracted to, you've been dating for a while, but they're not interested in a commitment with you, let them. If your kids don't want to go to a movie this weekend, let them. If your parents don't want to come see you over the holidays this year, let them. If your spouse jumps ahead in the series you've been watching together, you know how they do that, let them. See the next time you feel yourself getting annoyed or upset or spiraling out of control, just say these two magic words: let them. It's very straightforward. There are millions of uses for it. And here's the coolest part: it works every single time you use it, because every single time you quietly say to yourself, "Let them," I don't know what it is, but there's something about that phrase. It has this just magical way of diffusing all the frustration, disappointment, all the upset that you feel. And here's the thing: you're going to learn as I take calls from listeners that the Let Them Theory is not about letting people walk all over you or treat you like crap. That's not what this is about. It's the opposite. You will be more in control when you use it, and here's why. See, when you say, "Let them," you stop giving your time and energy to other people and to situations that you can't control. And you know what that allows you to do? It allows you to take your time and energy back and figure out what's going to work for you. Now, I've been using the Let Them Theory for months, and I got to level with you about something. Before the Let Them Theory, I cannot believe how much time and energy I had been wasting allowing myself to get so frustrated by stupid things, or how much energy I was burning through trying to control other people. And trust me, you start using it, you're going to see, and I can't wait for you to experience it. It's, it's truly insane, and I want to tell you the story about how I discovered this, particularly in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast and this is the very first time that you're hearing about this Let Them Theory, and so I'm going to tell you quickly the moment that I discovered this thing, and I need you to brace yourself, okay, because this is such a stupid story. But I'm going to tell it to you because it really drives home this point that you and I waste so much time and energy trying to make the world match our expectations, and it's going to stop today. And you're doing the same thing in your relationships, and that's what's causing so many problems in your relationships. And so here's the story. So, it was our son Oakley's junior prom, and I was just getting all worked up about so many dumb things. I mean, from the moment we got to the party, you know, where you're supposed to take all the photos before prom, all I could think about was all of the things that I wanted to be happening that weren't happening. I, I, I just got myself so worked up. You know how this happens in life where you just think things should be going a certain way and then you get annoyed that things aren't going a certain way, and then you start to try to control things or you're judgy about things? Well, that was me. So we walk into this pre-prom photo party. Holy cow, this is like a tongue twister. (laughs) We walk into this party, right, and I'm like, "Why doesn't his date want a corsage? Why didn't all the parents dress up for this party? Why are the kids driving to the prom and not taking a bus to the prom? Why is it raining out right now? Why didn't our son bring an umbrella?" And get ready for the really, really big thing that got me all like, you know, twisted up into a knot. "Why are these kids going to a taco stand and not going to a fancy restaurant for dinner before prom?" And that's when my daughter Kendall reached over and ever so gently grabbed my arm and said, "Mom, it's Oakley's prom, not yours. If they want to go eat tacos in the pouring rain before prom, let them."And when she said, "Let them," I don't know what happened. It's as if she clobbered me with a magic wand. "Let them. Let them get soaked. Let them eat tacos." And as I said those two words, "let them," it was wild. I felt the frustration leave my body. And here's the other thing I felt, and this is really important, I felt my focus shift. It shifted from controlling my son and from having an opinion about everything that was going on around me, and all of a sudden, I shifted back to myself. I mean, let them eat tacos, who cares? Let them get soaked, who cares? Mel, why not think about what you're gonna have for dinner instead of getting all worked up about what they are? And here's what's crazy about this, once I learned these two words, "let them," I started repeating "let them" every day in almost every situation to unhook myself. And the more I used the phrase to just let my emotions rise and fall in a stressful situation, the more I realized that, you know what? The things going on outside of me, they don't have to make their way inside of me. And so here's the gist of the let them theory. You ready? The more you try to control something, the more out of control you feel. It's true. And the only way to feel in control in life is to focus on where your time and energy is going, to focus on you. I mean, this morning, the folks that pick up the garbage, they didn't come to our house, right? Let them. I mean, I don't need to take it personally, like they broke up with me or ghosted me or, you know, they're so disrespectful. Let them forget to pick up garbage at our house. And now, this is where the magic comes in. Now that I'm not taking it personally, I'm not offended, I can handle it effectively, right? I'm not gonna handle it emotionally, I'm gonna handle it effectively. Let them forget and let me pick up the phone and call them and say, "Hey guys, seems like you forgot. Could you swing by?" And then I'm gonna let them respond. See how easy this is? See how magical this is? You get what you want and you don't get emotional. Bada bing, bada boom. And that brings me to our amazing conversation today because ever since sharing the let them theory with you a few months ago, I have been under just a tidal wave of questions and comments about the let them theory. So today, you and I are gonna answer them. And to do that, we're gonna go to a studio in Los Angeles where I am taking calls and the phone lines are jammed and the very first person who is on the line is a guy named Daniel who's calling from Los Angeles. Let's go.