A Toolkit for Confidence: How to Build UNSHAKABLE Self Confidence | The Mel Robbins Podcast

(ticking clock) (upbeat music) It's all about confidence today. When you have more confidence, you get paid more. You will have a better job. You will be more admired by people. You will be listened to with more intention. You'll have greater influence. This episode is for all of us, because I'm gonna unpack the three myths that are related to confidence, and the five tools to build confidence. (upbeat music) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I'm confident that you're going to love today's episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast. Okay, you ready? I'm ready, and I am really ready to share what we're gonna talk about today. It's all about confidence today, and I'm Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the world's leading experts on change, motivation, and habits. And I want to thank you, because you have been flooding melrobbins.com with all kinds of questions, and our team uses your questions to program every single episode of this podcast. And today's topic is inspired by this question from a listener named Heather.

Hey, Mel, it's Heather. I'm curious if you would consider doing a podcast on confidence and actionable steps to gain confidence, for instance, in the workplace when your role has expanded and you want to be doing, and currently are doing big things, but do not always feel confident or in line with the idea that you want and deserve to be there in that role, despite that feeling being BS. Love your podcast more than you'll ever know. Thank you.

Heather, I absolutely love that you asked this question. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love the topic of confidence. The very confident Mel Robbins that you see right now is not the woman I used to be, and I have spent years researching this topic and also teaching it. And so everything that I am going to share with you today is grounded in decades of research, the latest studies, and it all comes from a big body of work that I've published. We did a project for Audible called Work It Out, which won all these awards as the best business audiobook of the year when it was published. It's all about women in the workplace and how you develop confidence so you can get paid what you deserve, promoted for the work that you are doing. One of the most popular courses on LinkedIn, for example, is called The Science of Confidence, and your friend Mel Robbins created it and teaches it for LinkedIn. And so, there's a lot that I have to share about this that I can't wait for you to learn, and I also get asked all the time, "Mel, how are you so confident? I mean, I see the photos of you in arenas giving speeches. I see the virtual events that you do that are broadcast to millions of people." In fact, this morning on the Today show, I was on the Today show with Jenna and Hoda. So many of you reached out because you saw me live on TV, and it was thrilling to get your DMs, and a lot of you commented, "Mel, (laughs) whoa, you just laid down on the couch on live TV to make your point, and you looked so at ease. How did you get so confident?" Well, I'm telling you all of this not to brag, but because I not only understand this topic and the research, I have taught myself how to embody what I'm about to teach you. So Heather, and you listening, by the time we are done with this episode, you're not only gonna understand confidence, you're gonna know exactly what to do in order to build it, because confidence isn't what you think it is, and this is kind of one of the big takeaways I'm gonna give you in a minute. And there are five very specific tools that you can use to build confidence. And you want to build confidence, because based on the research, confidence is for all of us. When you have more confidence, you get paid more. You will have a better job. You will be more admired by people. You will be listened to with more intention. You'll have greater influence. And confidence is a topic and a skill that I want absolutely everybody to learn. So, this is also not just an episode that's here for you. I gave this the title of The Confidence Toolkit because this is a toolkit for everybody. Anybody can learn the five simple tools that are grounded in the research in order to build greater confidence, in order to break through self-doubt. And so whether you mentor people or you have young adults in your life or colleagues or team members or family members that you wish could tap into that inner confidence, um, this episode is for all of us, because I'm gonna unpack the three myths that are related to confidence and the five tools. And in terms of my own experience with getting serious about creating the skill of confidence is, it's a game-changer. The more that you build confidence in your life, the greater the risks you're gonna take, and that's critical in business, in life, for fulfillment. I also have the ability to say no and not even be bothered by what other people are gonna feel. Why? Because I have the skill of confidence. It also makes you an incredible negotiator, because you realize you would rather be respected than be liked. And see, this kind of need to be liked or to look good is part of the reason why you doubt yourself all the time. I want you to bring that power back internally. That's what the skill of confidence does. And you'll also be able to recognize when you're afraid of something and that that fear is just kind of bullshit in your head, and you have a choice. You don't have to let fear stop you anymore, and that's where the skill of confidence comes in. And the same's gonna be true for you. So, I think it kind of begs the question, if confidence is something that we all want, why is it so hard to master? I'll tell you why.Because when it comes to the (laughs) research around confidence, it is some of the most dry, boring, no offense to the confidence researchers and writers out there, but I'm talking if you have trouble sleeping, just print out a study about confidence. That'll, that, that'll put you z- into deep REM sleep. It's also confusing, and even Google isn't much of a help on this topic. If you search, "How to be confident," you know what the top results, one of them says? "Be true to you." What the hell does that even mean, "Be true to you"? And honestly, be true to you, that is not what the research says. The problem, and why it's hard for people to develop the skill of confidence, is the research has not been boiled down into tactical information that you can apply to your day-to-day life, and that's where your friend Mel Robbins comes in. So here's your first assignment on today's podcast, because you know we're not just listening here. This is a doing podcast, and we're going to make this tactical and relevant immediately. Assignment number one, be selfish as you listen. I want you to listen a particular way. I want you to listen and think, "What's in it for me?" And so let me ask you a question to help you get really selfish. If you had more confidence, like I could go (snaps fingers) and boom, you have more confidence than you've ever had in your entire life, how would your life be different? How would your future be different? Now, Heather has already shared that she has this awesome promotion, which she clearly earned. I mean, businesses don't just give those out as charity. If a business has promoted or hired you, they believe in your ability to execute, but now she's freaking out. She doesn't have the confidence. Now, when you think about confidence, how would more confidence help Heather's life be different? Well, confidence would allow Heather to step into that role, right, and she would be able to lose the self-doubt and the imposter syndrome and the panicking, and she'd be able to act like the leader that the organization promoted her to be, right, without all the, like, nervousness and crap going on in her head. What about you? Let's get selfish. What would more confidence allow you to do that you're not currently doing? Would you be able to say no? Would you be better with boundaries? Are there more risks you would take? Is there a conversation you've been avoiding with yourself or someone else? Would you be able to stand up for yourself, advocate more for yourself, ask for what you need? What about work? Would you be more visible? Would you speak up more? All of that that you just envisioned, it's all within your reach, and so let's talk about something that Heather said. Heather said in her question that she doesn't, quote, "feel confident in the new role. I don't feel confident." And so I want to start by giving you a definition of confidence that will change your ability to build it as a skill. This definition of confidence I have been sharing for years, and I think I created it based on the research 'cause I haven't really seen it out there before, and this definition is going to surprise you because it's a definition of confidence that puts the research into action. See, here's the mistake that everybody makes. Heather made the mistake because she said that, "I don't," quote, "feel confident," and I bet you're making this mistake with confidence too. In my book, based on the research, that's where we get it wrong. Confidence is not a feeling. Confidence is embodied in action. My definition of confidence is, confidence is the willingness to try. I'm going to say it again. Your new definition of confidence, embodied by the research, confidence is the willingness to try. Confidence is an action. That's what it is. And this phenomenon has been heavily researched by social psychologists, and there's even a term for confidence being an action. See, there's this positive feedback loop that happens when you're willing to try something before you feel ready, when you're willing to step into that leadership role and put yourself out there and take risks and make mistakes and shove that self-doubt to the side. When you're willing to try, neuroscience research says that you create something called a confidence competence loop, and let me explain this to you because there's a lot of common sense here, right? Every single time you try something new, you're either gonna be really good at it, or you're gonna be terrible at it, right? But you always learn something. But you have to try. So Heather is going to step into this new role. She's trying out a new role. She's either gonna be really good at it, or she's gonna be miserable at it. Boundaries, you might be really good at it when you start trying to set them. You might be really miserable at it. But here's the thing. If you try something for the first time, you're either gonna fail or succeed, but you always learn something, and that's where this confidence competence loop in the neuroscience research comes in. Because even when you try, when you learn a little something, you gain a little competency, right? Because of everything that you learned the first time around, it gets a little bit easier. It gets a little bit better, but it all begins with being willing to try, no matter where you're starting from, because if you are the kind of person that's always willing to try, you will always grow, and you will always learn, and the more that you try, and the more that you learn, the less you doubt yourself, the less resistance that you have, and bada bing, bada boom, all of a sudden you feel confident in this new role. All of a sudden you feel confident doing a back flip off a boat because you tried a thousand times and you belly flopped and you embarrassed yourself and you got a wedgie, and then what do you know? Because you were willing to keep trying, all of that competency that got gained of trying over and over and over and over again, it's how you gained mastery.See, feeling confident is kind of a m- i- it's, it's almost like, uh, the wrong way to say it, because that's what you feel after you've done it over and over and over again. But true confidence begins the moment you're willing to try. Okay? And so, I, I, I really think it's important. I can give you another example. The first time somebody handed me chopsticks, I had no idea how to use 'em. Was I nervous about picking them up and I couldn't get, like, my fingers to twist in the way that you're supposed to, and it was super embarrassed, and they kept, like, flipping across the table, and everybody... Here's the thing. I didn't know how to use them, but isn't it common sense that there's no way I was gonna learn how to use them if I wasn't willing to try? See, being confident, and the skill of confidence, is the difference between saying, "Sure, hand me the chopsticks. I'd love to try. I'm willing to look like an idiot. I'm willing to be a beginner first." Versus going, "Can you get me a fork? I don't know how to use those." Do you see the difference? The skill begins with being willing to try. So many of you saw me on the Today Show today. That is the culmination of 10 years of being willing to try, being willing to walk onto stage and have a panic attack or a neck rash, being willing to get behind a microphone and make terrible content or say stupid things or look terrible in videos. You know, you gotta remember, what you're seeing is a person on the Today Show who has been working hard for 10 years, trying over and over and over and over, and learning and failing. That's what you're witnessing. You're witnessing competency. But the skill is something different. The skill of confidence is trying. And, you know, let me remind you of a fact. Everybody starts at zero. Everyone. Whether you're trying to learn guitar, or you're building a social media following, or you want to get into the YouTube space, or you're writing a book, or you're selling... E- everybody starts at zero. That's how I started. Zero speeches given, zero television experience, zero social media following, zero email addresses, zero competency in front of a camera or on a microphone. I mean, even take this podcast. Starting this, I started at zero. The tech is intimidating. There are five million podcasts on Spotify alone. I'm 54 years old. I don't know how to do th-... I haven't done this before. I haven't been in the seat of the person that hosts. But here's the difference with your friend Mel Robbins. I'm willing to try. I lean on this skill of confidence that I've built, because I have the definition that's grounded in research, and so do you. You're not going to feel confident. You're going to act in accordance with the research of confidence. You, my friend, are willing to try. That's the secret. You know, I'm gonna tell you a story. Um, a lot of you have seen my TEDx talks. So, I have one of the most popular and most viewed TEDx talks in the world. I think it's got almost 30 million views at this point. It's a TED talk called How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over. And if you watch my 21-minute-long TED talk, you know what you're witnessing? You are witnessing a 21-minute-long panic attack. That was the first official speech I had g- ever given in my entire life. I was terrified of public speaking. And most people are terrified of public speaking. When I was in elementary school, middle school, high school, college, law school, whenever I got called on in class, bright red. Bright red. My mind would immediately go blank. The only job I got out of law school was working for legal aid as a public defender in New York City. And when I had to stand in court all day, I was not talking to an audience. I'm talking to a judge and a bailiff and police officers (laughs) and the prosecutor. It's not like some big stadium. You're in a small courtroom where you see the same people day in and day out. That's not a speech. That's like talking in a meeting at work. But nevertheless, I was so afraid of speaking out loud as a new attorney, I would get these monster neck rashes all over my neck and chest. You know the kind of rashes that people get when they're nervous or they've had too much to drink or they get an allergic reaction to food? That was Mel Robbins, uh, the early years. You know how I dealt with that neck rash and that fear? I would wrap a scarf around my neck or I'd wear a turtleneck as an attempt to try to hide it. In fact, even when I became an on-air commentator for CNN, I was part of their, uh, legal team, uh, in terms of providing commentary for CNN. I did that for three or four years. Incredible experience. Never done that before. Why was I willing to do that, knowing that half the time my cheeks would turn bright red, half the time I'd be worried that I might say something stupid? I'll tell you why. Because I understand the skill of confidence. You build it by being willing to try. You have to start at zero. And nobody wants to start at zero. You want to step into this new role and think that you have it all figured out. Well, guess what? You don't. Because you've never done this before. But if you're willing to try, if you're willing to make mistakes, if you're willing to understand that by showing up every day and trying, and trying, and learning, and failing, and falling on your face, and dusting yourself off, and, like, putting in the work, eventually the competency catches up. And what neuroscience says is what you're actually experiencing when you can use chopsticks, 'cause you've been trying-... or when you can stand on a stage and you don't have a neck rash that looks like you just got stung by a bee and you're about to go into anaphylactic shock. When you can do that, you wanna know why you can do that? It's because the number of times that you've tried have lowered the resistance in your own brain and body to doing it, and so it feels easier. It feels effortless. It's not that you're, quote, "more confident," it's that you've built up the competency so that you know how to do it without even thinking about it. And so, that's why your friend Mel is so successful, because I'm willing to, A, start at zero, and I'm willing to keep showing up over and over and over, and trying and trying and trying despite my doubt, despite my fire engine red cheeks, despite my flushed neck. I've not only gained the competency and settled those nerves, but over time, by doing exactly what I'm about to teach you to do, I went from somebody who was terrified of public speaking to becoming one of the most talented, respected, and requested and booked public speakers in the entire world. That's what's available to you today. And so, the other thing I wanna talk about really quickly is, I know that what you think you're up against, Heather, and, you know, if you're struggling with confidence is that, "Oh, impostor syndrome. I got impostor syndrome," well, no shit you have impostor syndrome, because you haven't done this before. See, I see impostor syndrome as a really good thing, because when you feel like an imposter in a role, that's just a fancy way of saying you're trying something new. And so, starting today, if you're in the game of building confidence, everybody, you gotta open your arms. You gotta reach out for that impostor syndrome, because if you don't have impostor syndrome, you're not doing anything uncomfortable. And if there's one thing I've learned in life after 54 years is that it's only by making yourself face things that are uncomfortable that you are going to grow into the best version of yourself. If you always do the things that you're comfortable doing, you will never, ever, ever experience what might be possible, 'cause you're not pushing yourself. And so, I don't want you to fear impostor syndrome. I want you to see it as a good thing. "Oh, I feel like an impostor. Great, I'm trying something new. This is confidence-building. Here we go." And speaking of the myth that impostor syndrome is a bad thing, no, no, no, no, no. You're learning. When it comes to building confidence, you gotta embrace that impostor syndrome, period, 'cause it means you're trying and you're learning and you're gaining competency, and we love that around here. Um, I'm gonna teach you three other myths about confidence. I'm gonna use a question from a listener named Alex to help us unpack it. But first, we're gonna take a quick break for our sponsors, because they helped me bring this toolkit to you at zero cost, and then we're gonna be right back with Alex's question and those three myths about confidence. Welcome back, everybody. I'm Mel Robbins, and today, we are talking confidence, the science and, most importantly, five tools that you need in your life to build the skill of confidence. And we're about to jump into three myths related to confidence with a question from a listener named Alex.