Feel like quitting? Me too. Before you give up, listen to this. | The Mel Robbins Podcast

(ticking clock) Woo, okay, I gotta take a breath. This is one of those episodes that's unfolding in real time. I woke up yesterday morning, and I got triggered. I just felt off. Something was off. I don't know if anybody else is feeling this way right now. Doesn't feel like the normal, "Woo-hoo! It's a new year." I'm feeling the, "I feel kind of fucked" effect right now. That's how I'm feeling. Life doesn't always give you what you want, but it does give you what you need, and I think fuck it moments sometimes are what you need. (instrumental music plays) Hey, it's Mel, and welcome to an absolutely incredible, like this is gonna be an amazing episode, I can feel it, of The Mel Robbins Podcast. Let's do this thing. Woo, okay, I gotta take a breath. I gotta take a breath because this is one of those episodes that I love, but they're also nerve-wracking because it's something that's unfolding in real time. (blows air) But I just know I need to talk about this, and I know you need to hear it because this is what's showing up and so we're gonna go for it. So I'm just gonna take a deep breath. (breathes deeply) First, whether you've been a fan of the show for a long time or this is the very first episode that you are listening to, I just wanted to say I am so glad that you're here. My name is Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the most trusted experts in the world on behavior change and mindset. And in fact, we're in a month-long series right now on the foundations of creating a better life. So I've been covering the research around goal setting, habits, mindset, anxiety, healing, trauma, success, and confidence. And a couple days ago, I released an episode about the science of goal setting. And if you haven't listened to it yet, don't worry about it. You can listen to it right after this one, 'cause all of these episodes, they work together and they also stand alone. But what happened is that there was this avalanche of questions that came in, and so I walked into the office yesterday and I had planned on following up on all the questions and jumping into the science of habits, which are the topics for the next two episodes on the podcast. We've been researching it like crazy. I was gonna talk all about how you break habits, how you make habits, and I sat down, and I mean, we've been researching this for weeks, and I've been teaching this topic of the science of habits for years and years and years. I write about it. But I got behind the mic, and I just froze. I felt this wave of emotion hit me. It was this like really, oh my God, this, like, uncomfortable feeling rise up, and my mind went blank. And when I tell you I know the science of habits like the back of my hand, I mean, I could talk your ear off at a dinner party about the science of habits and cite all the studies and explain all the steps, and here I was yesterday behind the mic and my mind went blank. And I just felt off. Something was off. And I even started to cry, and I know why. I had a really lousy ending to 2022, and it came out of nowhere. I had been working for a long time on all of these incredible plans, uh, that were gonna happen the first week of January, and just everything went completely sideways. And so now it's the beginning of the year, and it doesn't feel exciting, and it doesn't feel like I've got a clean slate. Honestly, it feels like piles of shit all over the place. And if you want to know the formula for feeling unhappy, here's what it is. Your expectations for how things should be right now don't match the reality of how things are. I don't know if anybody else is feeling this way right now. Doesn't feel like the normal, "Woo-hoo! It's a new year." And look, I know all about what researchers call the fresh start effect, how you get this clean slate the moment that the clock strikes midnight on January 1st or the moment you close your eyes and you blow out the birthday candle- candles. But the fact is, I'm not feeling the fresh effect right now. I'm feeling the "I feel kind of fucked" effect right now. That's how I'm feeling. And it may strike you as odd to hear that, you know, somebody as inspiring and motivational as Mel Robbins is gonna say, "I could honestly give a shit about the new year, new you at this moment because I've got piles of shit surrounding me that I need to shovel and clean up from last year." And I honestly thought I was fine. I thought that, okay, all this stuff had happened. I'd push it in the rearview mirror. I'm starting January 1, clean slate. I also committed to doing this crazy challenge called 75 Hard with my husband and our daughter and her boyfriend and my brother and a bunch of other amazing people. And for the last three y- days, I've had my head down and I've been plugging away at it. And what is 75 Hard 'cause I know you're thinking. It means you're not gonna drink for 75 days. That's gonna be kinda hard for me. It's not like I drink every day, but I have not gone 75 days without drinking since I was 16 years old. Uh, you also have to, uh, drink a gallon of water every day, which is not the easiest thing to do when you've had bladder surgery. You also have to exercise twice a day. Um, no gluten. No gluten for 75 days? I haven't gone five days without gluten. And so I've taken this challenge on, and I've been really excited about it, and I thought, "Okay, Mel, you're moving, you're grooving, you've got these goals, you're taking the steps to achieve them, you're feeling excited, you've got your why, you've got your, your will, your way, your how," all the stuff we talked about in the last episode, and then boom, I woke up yesterday morning, and I got triggered.That's what happened. And I bet you're also not feeling the new year, new you thing either. No one in my house is feeling it this year. I don't know if it's the crappy weather here in Southern Vermont, where it's been raining instead of snowing. I don't know if it's just that it's been kind of a hard couple years. I don't know what the hell is going on. All I know is I had my head down, and I was plugging away, and I was really proud of myself. I'm in day four of 75 hard, and I am kicking ass and taking names, and I woke up this morning, and you will not believe what triggered me. Do you wanna take a guess? What sent me spiraling? My holiday cards. (laughs) I woke up this morning, and the alarm goes off, and my alarm is one of those alarms that mimics the sunrise, so the sun is rising in my room, and I even have a bird sound now that I know the research that we covered a couple episodes ago, and so the birds are chirping. And the first thing that I saw on my night side stand was a stack of 200 holiday cards. Now, I should be proud of myself, because it's been three years since our family has been able to agree on a photo and upload it to a website and get the holiday cards printed in time to mail them out. Three years. So you would think seeing this stack of holiday cards would make me feel proud. No. I saw them, they're still wrapped in plastic wrap. I have not even opened them up, and I see them and I'm like, "What the hell, Mel? You have had those things sitting there since the beginning of December, and you can't seem to get your shit together to get them in the mail? Come on, woman. How the heck can you possibly get behind a microphone and teach people about the power of habits and the science of habits when you can't even follow through on the fricking Christmas cards that are sitting on your, on your desk?" And there, that was my trigger right there. The wave of the emotion went flying through my body, and I had an experience that you will have when you try to change anything in your life, when you try to become healthier, when you try to become more organized, when you're playing a bigger game, when you're trying to learn new habits, when you set big goals. At some point, it's gonna become too much. Some little piddly weird-ass thing like your Christmas cards is gonna send you spiraling, and you're gonna have something that I call the fuck it moment. That little thing triggers a wave of uncomfortable emotion, and you say, "Fuck it. Happy fucking new year. I'm not doing it this year." And let me tell you, one small fuck it moment like that can spiral into a big-ass fuck it moment, because I first saw those cards and I'm like, "Fuck it. I am never gonna get my shit together." And then I go into the bathroom, I'm like, "Oh my God, my ADHD medication, it is completely out. I, I, I, I just let the prescription run dry. How the, how the hell am I going to get through this day? Fuck it." And then I'm like, "Well, I know what I could do. I could throw those cards in the trash can. Fuck it. I'm not doing it." There's no way, by the way, that I can talk about habits when my house right now literally looks like the Thanksgiving Day Macy's parade just marched right through it. I don't know if it's because all three kids have been home for two weeks. I mean, it's been amazing to have them home, but there are dust balls in every corner. There are hair balls from the dogs. There are wet towels. There's a sock here or there. There's a shoe that's like... I, like, I don't even know where to begin. I don't know where to begin. How could I possibly talk about the science of habits to you when my house looks like this, my Christmas cards are not mailed, and I feel like I am surrounded by a ton of shit that I still need to deal with from last year? Yesterday, two days ago, change seems easy. Two days ago, I'm like, "Huh, 75 hard? This is 75 easy for me." And then I woke up and I'm like, "I, I can't do this." And it's gonna happen to you. And I felt an obligation to talk about this because we're doing this series all month long. I mean, this show is about creating a better life, and part of creating a better life is having moments that you're gonna have to navigate where you get triggered by something stupid or something profound, and all these emotions come up and you say, "Fuck it." And I do not want you to give up in those moments. I do not want you to throw in the towel or throw out the Christmas cards or say, "I can't do it." I mean, that's what I did yesterday. I felt that huge wave. I said, "That's it, fuck it." I came up into the office, and I started crying, and I said to the team, "I can't do this. I can't talk about habits. I can't, I can't even get Christmas cards out in the mail. I can't do this." I went to my husband and my daughter and I said, "I'm not doing 75 hard. I got too much going on. I... This is not the time for me to do this. Like, I'm setting myself up f- for failure." And you know what they said? They said, "Yes, you can. Yes, you can." And they sat there and they listened to me whine and whine and whine, and Chris looked at me and he said, "Mel, you gotta have a breakthrough. You have to take on something that feels hard, and you have to do it for longer than the month or the, you know, 45 days that you've done it in the past, and right now is the perfect time. The fact that you're feeling the fuck it just four days in, this is a good thing, Mel, because it's pushing buttons in you." And so what was interesting...'Cause it's pushing buttons in you, and you know what? He's right. He's absolutely right. And so, I went to bed, like immediately. I didn't even wanna tempt myself because I was so frazzled. I- I went to bed, I slept all night, and when I woke up this morning and came up to work, what was so interesting is that life doesn't always give you what you want, but it does give you what you need. And I think fuck-it moments sometimes are what you need, because you need to see that you can have a moment where you wanna give up, and you can even screw up in those moments, and you can get back on the transformation train and you can keep going, that you are bigger than the fuck-it moment, that the fuck-it moment is there to test you. It's there because it's part of the process of growing. It is there because you gotta learn how to manage these emotions that are gonna come up. And sure enough, when I came up here this morning going, "Okay everybody, I can do The Science of Habits because I did my workout this morning for 75 Hard and I've had my half a gallon of water and I've read my 10 pages of fiction and I'm halfway there and I'm back on the horse," my team said, "You know what, Mel? Hold up a second on The Science of Habits because there's a question that came in from one of the listeners on the podcast that might just interest you. It's a question from Liza." And sure enough, this question does interest me, because guess what? Liza, she was having a fuck-it moment too. Check this out.