The Truth About Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go With Jay Shetty | Mel Robbins Podcast
Mel Robbins (host), Jay Shetty (guest), Narrator, Narrator
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, featuring Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty, The Truth About Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go With Jay Shetty | Mel Robbins Podcast explores jay Shetty Redefines Love As A Learnable Skill, Not Fate Mel Robbins interviews Jay Shetty about his new book "8 Rules of Love" and together they reframe love as a skill you can learn, practice, and improve, rather than a mysterious feeling you hope to find. Jay shares his practical definition of love—liking someone's personality, respecting their values, and being committed to their goals—and contrasts it with the culture’s obsession with chemistry and fairy-tale romance.
Jay Shetty Redefines Love As A Learnable Skill, Not Fate
Mel Robbins interviews Jay Shetty about his new book "8 Rules of Love" and together they reframe love as a skill you can learn, practice, and improve, rather than a mysterious feeling you hope to find. Jay shares his practical definition of love—liking someone's personality, respecting their values, and being committed to their goals—and contrasts it with the culture’s obsession with chemistry and fairy-tale romance.
They explore how childhood wounds, past bullying, and parental patterns quietly script our relationships, and why learning to enjoy solitude, heal your younger self, and validate yourself are prerequisites to healthy love. Jay lays out early-stage dating pitfalls, like confusing stress and excitement for "chemistry" and treating dates like job interviews, and suggests slowing down to truly see who someone is.
Later, they unpack deeper-stage partnership: why your partner can become your greatest teacher (guru) without controlling or "owning" you, and how real love means helping each other pursue your own goals and identities, not forcing each other onto the same path. The conversation closes with a powerful reframe: the highest act of love is loving someone so well that they learn to love themselves.
Key Takeaways
Redefine love beyond chemistry: like their personality, respect their values, commit to their goals.
Jay argues that attraction is essential but not sufficient; enduring love rests on wanting to spend real time with someone, respecting what they value (even if you don’t share it), and supporting *their* authentic goals—not the ones you project onto them.
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Learn to be in solitude so you stop chasing love from emptiness.
He distinguishes loneliness (the weakness of being alone) from solitude (the strength of being alone) and suggests using solo time to discover what you genuinely like in people, places, and projects, instead of defining yourself through who chooses you.
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Identify and rewrite your "love story" and childhood imprints.
Experiences like bullying, comparison, or emotional neglect create gaps and scripts (“I’m unlovable,” “They’re out of my league”) that drive later relationships; practices like younger-self meditations and letters help you give yourself the validation you’re seeking from partners.
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When dating, slow down and test reality instead of chasing the spark.
What we call "chemistry" is often a mix of excitement and anxiety, amplified by context (weddings, romantic movies, warm drinks); Jay advises slowing the pace, seeing people in varied settings, and noticing whether effort and responsiveness are mutual.
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Watch for internal red flags: your own projections and fantasies.
Instead of expecting others to reveal obvious flaws, notice when you’re applying the halo effect (assuming extra virtues based on one trait) or bending your values and boundaries just to keep someone around; these are signals you’re idealizing, not seeing clearly.
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Aim for partnership, not ownership, in long-term relationships.
Controlling, comparing, criticizing, or subtly "editing" your partner’s friends, clothes, or choices is ownership, even when it’s disguised as care; real partnership is supporting their path, even when their growth looks different from how you’d do it.
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Let love help someone love themselves, not just feel loved by you.
Jay’s ultimate metric for love is whether the way you love someone helps them see their own worth more clearly—so your appreciation focuses on their character and essence, not just their achievements or what they do for you.
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Notable Quotes
“I define love as when you like someone's personality, when you respect their values, and when you're committed to helping them achieve their goals.”
— Jay Shetty
“Are you trying to get them to the next step in their journey, or are you trying to get them to the next step in your journey?”
— Jay Shetty
“If your relationship starts as an interview, it will end like a rejection and a firing.”
— Jay Shetty
“If you're waiting for someone to love you to believe you're lovable, then the day they change their mind, you're immediately unlovable.”
— Jay Shetty
“The greatest act of love is loving someone so much that they learn to love themselves.”
— Jay Shetty
Questions Answered in This Episode
How has my childhood experience with love, validation, or rejection quietly shaped the type of partners I’m drawn to and the way I show up in relationships?
Mel Robbins interviews Jay Shetty about his new book "8 Rules of Love" and together they reframe love as a skill you can learn, practice, and improve, rather than a mysterious feeling you hope to find. ...
Get the full analysis with uListen AI
If I rewrote my personal definition of love today, what three elements would I include—and do my current relationships reflect that definition?
They explore how childhood wounds, past bullying, and parental patterns quietly script our relationships, and why learning to enjoy solitude, heal your younger self, and validate yourself are prerequisites to healthy love. ...
Get the full analysis with uListen AI
Where in my relationship am I trying to move my partner along *my* preferred path instead of genuinely supporting their own goals and growth?
Later, they unpack deeper-stage partnership: why your partner can become your greatest teacher (guru) without controlling or "owning" you, and how real love means helping each other pursue your own goals and identities, not forcing each other onto the same path. ...
Get the full analysis with uListen AI
In my dating life, what would it look like in practice to truly “slow down”—in how often we see each other, how quickly we escalate, and how broadly I observe their behavior?
Get the full analysis with uListen AI
Do I feel more owned or more partnered in my current relationship, and what specific behaviors (mine or theirs) signal control versus true mutual support?
Get the full analysis with uListen AI
Transcript Preview
Because of all the people that you have requested that I interview on this podcast, there is one person who you have asked for over and over and over again, Jay Shetty.
(laughs)
(laughs)
I define love as when you like someone's personality-
Mm-hmm.
... when you respect their values, and when you're committed to helping them achieve their goals. Are you trying to get them to the next step in their journey? Or are you trying to get them to the next step in your journey?
Oh, okay. Hold on everybody. Did you just hear that? Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to an extraordinary episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast. My name is Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the most trusted experts in the world on behavior change and motivation. And you know, I often say that The Mel Robbins Podcast is our podcast. And today, it truly is because of all the people that you have requested that I interview on this podcast, and trust me, you have been requesting thousands of amazing people at melrobbins.com, and if you didn't know there was a form you could fill out to suggest a topic or suggest a, a guest, now you do. Well, you've suggested thousands, and I mean, thousands of amazing people, but there is one person who you have asked for over and over and over again, more than anybody else on the planet of eight billion people. You have said things like, "He's given me insights that I never thought of before. Please have him on the show because of his wisdom. His practical tips and guidance are truly helpful and encouraging." So today, it is my pleasure to welcome the most requested human being of all time in-person on this podcast, none other than the amazing Jay Shetty.
(laughs)
(laughs)
Wow, I had no idea. That is so humbling and that is incredible. I thought you were gonna say all of that and then follow up with someone else's name.
Uh, when you're sitting here, you-
Just to say... No, no, no. I, I literally thought you were going to. That is, that is so kind, and everyone who's requested me or has connected with my work or has liked a video, read a book, or listened to a podcast, thank you. Thank you so much. That, that honestly is... Wow, that is incredible. Thank you so much. Thank you.
I, I love how humble you are because you actually-
Thank you.
... mean... He, he looks surpri- I wish you guys, if you're not watching the YouTube interview, you can see that he is genuinely surprised to hear his own name.
I, I am. I, I think it's... I don't think... I can't believe it. I spent years doing events since I was 18 years old with five to 10 people in a room for 10 years, and every single year, five to 10 people would come, maybe 20 people would come. I had a society at university called Think Out Loud, and I would dissect a movie psychologically, spiritually, and philosophically, and teach from that movie, and students would come and gather and there was no followers, there was no downloads, there was no views, there was no platform, and I loved it, and I loved it, and I'm still as passionate. So today, to be doing what I've done for 17 years, since I started, and for it to have this kind of response is something that makes me live in gratitude every day. Thank you so much for sharing that with me, and thank you to everyone who, who submitted me. I mean, I've been wanting to come on your show. Well, I've been wanting you to have a show for a long time. So I think everyone's very lucky that they get to have you every single week in their-
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