5 Signs Of An Incompatible Relationship & 3 Signs You’ve Found “The One"

Am I with the right person? (instrumental music plays) That is something that everyone feels at some point in their relationship. I don't care if you've been married for 50 years, if you've just met and had a one-night stand, and now you think this is the love of your life, there will come a moment in time where you go, "Hmm." You deserve to be in a mutually loving, amazing relationship that brings out the best in you. And the first thing that I want you to do is... (clock ticks) Hey, it's your friend, Mel. I am so thrilled that you tuned in today. I- I'm just unbelievably fired up for our conversation, because I have so much to share with you. And in fact, the topic that we're going to dig into, which is this question that we all grapple with at some point in our relationships, and I don't care if you've just been on a first date, if you're single, if you've been married for 28 years like I have, at some point, you are going to have this agonizing question, "Am I with the right person?" This is normal, and there are things that you need to do and mistakes you need to avoid when you start to ask yourself this question, and we are gonna unpack all of that. And I have so much to share with you, because I've just spent the last two years writing a book called The Let Them Theory. An entire section of this book is about this topic, knowing whether or not you're with the right person or in the right relationship, and unpacking the tools and the science that applies here, that is gonna help you make the right decision for you. And I promise you, you're gonna leave the conversation so empowered. And so, thank you for hitting play. If you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. And one of the things that I know about you, because you chose to listen to this episode, is that you are interested in creating a better life, that you do know that you deserve happiness, and that you deserve to be in a mutually loving, amazing relationship that brings out the best in you. And so whether somebody who loves you forwarded you this, and now you're hitting play, and you're listening to this episode and to this podcast for the first time, whether you have been on a first date, or a string of breakups, or you're an empty nester, or something that's very common, if you're somebody that is now really focused on improving yourself, becoming happier, when you start to change, your relationship changes. And so as you're changing, if your partner's not changing, you're probably starting to question, "Is this the right person for me? Is this person supporting me? Am I in the right relationship now that I'm an empty nester, now that I'm this, now that I'm that?" This is normal. And so we're gonna normalize this question that we all grapple with, which is, "Am I with the right person?" Or the bigger one we don't talk about, "Is there somebody better out there?" And so if you're grappling with this right now, or you're watching a friend, or you're watching one of your kids, or you're watching your parent, whether it's post-divorce or post, like, losing a spouse, step into the dating scene, you're like, "Uh, I don't know about that person for you," this is a conversation that is going to empower you. This is a conversation to share with the people that you love. So, I think the best place to start is the moment in a relationship where you start to question, "Is this the right person for me?" And the first thing I wanna normalize is that is something that everyone feels at some point in their relationship. I don't care if you've been married for 50 years, if you've just met and had a one-night stand, and now you think this is the love of your life, there will come a moment in time where you go, "Hmm, is this the person for me?" And one of the things that I am seeing over and over is this sense that there's so many options out there, and the dating apps do this, that you just wonder, "Is there someone better?" And so I think it's very normal to have that, but that is very different than having this sense that something's off, having this sense that, "This is a good person, but is this a good person for me?" And that is a really important thing to think about, because the decision of who you are going to have a long-term committed relationship with is one of the single most important decisions in your entire life. The person that you have a partnership with impacts your health. It impacts your happiness. It impacts your goals. It impacts the amount of stress that you have. And I once heard somebody say to me, "You know, the secret to a happy marriage is marrying somebody who's a happy person." (laughs) And, uh, that's very simple advice, but the truth is, if you start to feel unsatisfied in the relationship, it is natural to question the relationship. And I'm sure as you're listening, you're thinking, "Okay, Mel, well, how do I know when that questioning is just me being unrealistic and me being negative? And how do I know when the questioning is a real problem? Like, we're constantly bickering. There's a lot of frustration. We're fighting over stuff all the time." Well, the truth is, if more than half the time you're frustrated or bickering, this is not the right relationship, period. Because there's something off between the way that the two of you are interacting with each other, and the relationship should actually make you feel like more of yourself.A relationship that works for you should bring out the best in you, and if the relationship that you're in is bringing out the worst in you, it's making you insecure, it's making you question yourself, it's making you feel like you have to compromise your values, it's making you have to constantly explain yourself. You feel self-conscious around your friends because you kinda know deep down inside that you're not really your best self because of this person that you're with, and that you're changing, and you're not changing in good ways. And so, this is a deeply personal question, and here's what I know. You know if you're not with the right person. You do. Deep down, you know you're not with the right person. And I'm gonna give you a couple things to consider so that you know that it's actually time to end something versus it's time to work on something. If you're in a relationship where you're not able to be yourself, you are in the wrong relationship. Because I'm gonna tell you something, this is not going to get better. If the person that you're with makes you insecure, or ignores you, or they never wanna do anything that you wanna do, or it's always about them, and you're quietly griping to your therapist about it, or your friends about it, but you're not able to talk to this person, this is going to be a relationship that, over time, makes you miserable, it makes you worse, and it's gonna eventually end in a breakup. And what's gonna be super hard about it is that you're gonna waste months, years of your life trying to make something work that you probably knew six months ago just isn't working. And the first thing that I want you to do is ask yourself, "Is this relationship good for me?" Are you actually able to be yourself around this person? Do they bring out the best in you? Do you feel safe and supported and respected? Do you feel like a priority? Like they actually care about you, and they have you in mind? And these are important things to consider because, you know, I think in today's world, it's so easy to get caught up in, "Oh my God, I want the wedding in Lake Como, and I want the gender reveal, and I want the fantasy, and, you know, I want the engagement proposal photos on," all the things that you forget. The person that you choose to spend your life with is the single most important decision you're gonna make. Like, this isn't some joke, and I don't want you to get so wrapped up in the fear of being single and never finding the one that you compromise on the most important decision you're gonna make, which is who are you going to create an amazing life with? And that goes way beyond what they look like, or how tall they are, or what their current bank account is. If you really wanna go the distance, you gotta be willing to look deeper at what makes for a good relationship for you, because you deserve to be with somebody who truly brings out the best in you. You deserve to be with somebody who makes you a priority. And when you start to question it, it's an opportunity for you to really examine, "What do I need? What do I wanna feel like? And is this person, when I talk to them about this, do they lean into me? Do they wanna work on this together? Am I willing to make compromises with this person?" 'Cause that's another thing, if you get to a point in a relationship where your arms are crossed, and they're the problem, and they're the problem, and they're the problem, well, you're part of the problem too, because you're probably not compromising. And so I love that you are willing to ask yourself this question, "Is this person a good fit for me?" Because too many times, you're so worried about being single again, or you're worried that you're now in your 30s and you're gonna not find somebody in time, or you're worried that, "Oh my God, if I don't make this work, then I'm gonna get divorced or I'm gonna be broken up with again," you have to double down on the belief that you deserve and will create an incredible love story if you're willing to be honest with yourself and if you're willing to have the hard conversations with somebody so you give both of you an opportunity to lean in and grow together. That's what this is about. So stop focusing on the timeline, stop focusing on what your friends are doing, stop focusing on your track record, and focus on the fact that you do deserve love. And this conversation that's very difficult is one step forward in creating that love for yourself and being honest with yourself about the mistakes you may be making. I wanna talk about the topic of compatibility, because I believe that this is deeply misunderstood, and this is where everybody gets themselves into trouble in their relationships. Compatibility means that you have attraction, you have the desire to make it work, and it also means that you want the same things. The attraction part's really easy, right? Because you know if you're attracted to somebody and you know if it's mutual. But here's the thing, it is extremely common to be attracted to someone and to have a certain level of commitment, maybe you're exclusive or maybe you've been dating or living together, but you're not compatible. And what does that mean? When you're not compatible, it means you just don't quite fit, that as much as you may try, as much as you may be forcing it, as much as you may want it to work, it's just not working. There's something that's not right, and you know it. It's harder than it needs to be. There's tension. You kinda dread seeing, you know, their name pop up on the phone. You know when something's not working, and when that happens, I wanna take a giant highlighter. What you have here is compatibility and whether or not it's actually gonna work. And here's the hardest thing...Sometimes you can be with somebody great, and they're just not great for you. Sometimes you're with somebody, and it's really good in the beginning, and then as you spend more and more time together, it's not good at all. And this is when you start to question, "Am I with the right person?" It's not like there's anything wrong, but deep down, you feel like there's something wrong. And this is super important for you to pay attention to, because if you feel like there's something off, then there is something off. And the good news about feeling that there's something off is that if the thing that's off is something that your partner and you are willing to work on together, the thing that's off can actually make the relationship amazing, because you work on it together and you grow together. Any married couple will tell you, and I've been married for 28 years, there are a bazillion times in my relationship with Chris where things have felt off. And when things feel like they're not quite right, you wanna have a partner that you lean toward each other, not that you lean away from each other. And so you can use these moments, you're like, "Huh, is this the right person for me?" to learn more about yourself, to learn more about your partner, and to help you determine whether or not this person is the right person for you and you're the right person for them. And if you're in a relationship right now, and you know deep down, "I wish this person treated me differently. I wish I was a priority. I wish that they would make more of an effort. I wish they didn't get drunk every night and then pass out next to me in bed and then pretend like it's no big deal in the morning. I wish they were more interested in my friends." If these are the kinds of things that are happening and you haven't had the conversation, then the problem in the relationship is you, because you're not raising the issues that would make you feel seen and make you feel safe. And in raising the issues in your relationship, if there is no change, there's not gonna be a change. If there is an inability to hear you, there will never be an ability to hear you, and you better find the exit and sprint for it. And so first of all, if you're questioning, good. Let's use this as an opportunity and unpack how you're gonna figure out, "Am I compatible? Am I not? Is this my person or is this not my person?" And so first thing's first, good job. Good job for recognizing that something's off. Now what I wanna tell you is that there's three major mistakes that everybody makes in this moment, and I don't want you to make these mistakes. Number one major mistake is chasing the potential, that you're in a relationship with a fantasy in your head and you're not actually in a relationship with the person as they are. Rule number one in the let them theory is that human beings only change when they feel like it, and you will never be able to change another human being. And the single biggest mistake that I see with anybody dating or anybody in a relationship is that you're holding onto the potential and you're living in a fantasy in your head and you're not accepting reality, which is why you need to let them be who they are and then decide what you're gonna do about it. That is what you need to do. So that's mistake number one, is chasing the potential. Mistake number two is that you're with somebody and your values aren't aligned. You don't want the same things, and yet you're convincing yourself that eventually this person's gonna come around and convert to your religion, or they're gonna come around and they're gonna wanna have children, or they're gonna come around and they're gonna wanna sell all their possessions with you and travel around the world for two years. And the research is very clear on this: If you have to give up your dreams in order to stay with this person, this is not gonna work. And the reason why this is not gonna work is because you will grow to resent the other person because you will blame them for being the reason why you didn't get to go to medical school or you didn't get to move over to the other side of the planet and have this adventure or you didn't get to have kids. And here's the hard truth: When you compromise your own values for the sake of a relationship and you give up on your dreams for the sake of staying with somebody else, the other person isn't to blame, you are. If you have dreams and a vision for your life, it is your responsibility to create that vision and to hold that vision for yourself. And one of the hardest things in the world is when you wake up and realize you love somebody and you care about somebody who fundamentally does not share the same vision about what they want in life. And if that is where you are at, then this is not a relationship that is gonna make either one of you happy, and so that's mistake number two, that you think this is gonna change and it's not. Mistake number three is this 80/20 rule, that you're with somebody that has, like, 80% of the things that you want, but here you are in your mind thinking the 20% of things that aren't deep values, these are just nice to have, right? This is like the wish list that we all, "Oh, I wish that they were taller. I wish that, you know, they were a little bit more athletic. I wish that they weren't so introverted at parties." You know, it's more of a thing about, like, their personality, or, "I- I wish that they were a better skier," whatever it may be, that you've got this sort of 20% out here. And what I often see is that people will dump somebody that has 80% of the deep, amazing, meaningful stuff, they're kind, they have a growth mindset, they're loyal, they treat you with respect, you have fun together, but you're just kind of in that meh stage, kinda like the sage, we all go through that stage 'cause you're just kind of in a plateau in your relationship.And you end up breaking up, not for any reason, but just because that 20%, that sparkly stuff is missing. You think if you had somebody that would take you off on some romantic thing, or that would buy you flowers more, that, you know, would dress a little nicer, that somehow that would make your life better. And then what ends up happening? You end up dating people that have the 20% and you realize, "Oh my God, the 80% is what mattered, and I was just such a perfectionist freak, FOMO af- you know, afflicted person that I've been chasing the 20%." We do this with our careers, we do this with our closet, we do this with our cars. We think that more, better, different is more, better, different, and oftentimes, that stuff that you're chasing doesn't flipping matter. The people that are gorgeous right now are gonna be ugly in 20 years. The people that are in shape right now are gonna get fat when you get pregnant. The people that have a great job might get fired in five years. Might lose it all. You don't know what's gonna happen, but when you got somebody that has the 80% that really matters, they're aligned on the values and character, they make you feel like yourself, you're kind of in the rhythm where it's boring but okay. Maybe boring is a sign that the relationship is good. Maybe drama and conflict is what happens with people that only have the 20%. What if boring is your new normal? 'Cause it means you're with somebody who's safe and stable. And so I'm, I'm outlining these three mistakes. You're not aligned on your values, you're chasing the 20% when you have the 80%, or you're simply ignoring the obvious and you're constantly chasing the potential. You're trying to fix, like that's what you think love is. That's not what love is. Love is boring. Love is the 80%. Love is the ability to talk to your partner about what's not working and what you need, and to actually have your partner lean in and wanna try to make things better. That's what makes a relationship work. And so here's the cool thing I want you to know. Having the conversation that things aren't working is how you make things work, because if you have the conversation about what's not working and you ask open-ended questions, and you apologize for your part of the frustrating dynamic, one of two things is gonna happen. The person's either gonna reveal that they're not the right person for you through their behavior and their response, or they're gonna lean in and they're gonna work on it with you, and that's a sign of a beautiful, healthy relationship. I'm willing to bet you haven't even had the conversation. I'm willing to bet that you haven't looked at whether or not you're making one of these three mistakes, and before you just break up with somebody, I want you to really look in the mirror and go, "Am I making one of these three mistakes? Have I had the conversation?" And if you haven't, then have the conversation. And you're probably wondering, "Well, Mel, I have had the conversation. We've argued about the drinking and how much time they go out with their friends. We've talked about their ambition. We've talked about the fact that, you know, I really wanna go to medical school, and if I go to medical school, I want you to come with me and I want you to support me through this. We have talked about the fact that I wish that you were more interested in watching football with me and my friends, and it goes nowhere. It goes absolutely nowhere. Instead, we just kinda talk about it, nothing changes." I used to do this too, and the approach that you need to take if you're sitting there listening to me and you're like, "Okay. Noted, Mel. I've been questioning, I've been wondering if this is the right person, and you're right, I haven't raised the issue or I've raised the issue and it's gone nowhere," I want you to use a technique that I write about extensively in my book, The Let Them Theory. The technique is something I call the ABC loop, and the reason why I call it a loop is because the A, B, C part, you're gonna have to keep having over and over in a loop, and I'm gonna tell you what the A, B, C part is, and then I'm gonna walk you through how you have this conversation. A is when you apologize and you ask open-ended questions. That's A. B means you're gonna back off and you're gonna watch someone's behavior, and C is when you are going to just compliment and celebrate any small change that you see, and you yourself are going to model the change that you wish your partner would have. And I highly, highly, highly recommend if you're sitting there questioning a relationship, you follow the ABC loop formula before you break up, because I guarantee you, you have not approached this the right way, and using science, you can have a conversation that will reveal whether or not this is a person who is willing to grow, who can hear you, and who could possibly be the partner that you actually deserve. So I'm gonna give you two scenarios of how you can use the ABC loop with anybody where you have an issue, where it's bothering you and there's a standoff and you really want it to change, but it's pretty clear that the way you've been approaching it is backfiring because the change isn't happening, and the two examples we're gonna talk about, one is when your partner has just let their health go, and it could be anything health-related. It could be their diet, it could be a lack of exercise, it could be that they've become really sedentary and now they're on their phone all the time or they're playing video games all the time and they're just not as active. Might be something mental health-wise. They're just super negative, and there's work that they could do or tools that they could be using, and they're just...... not doing it. So that's one topic where a lot of couples get into a standoff. The second topic we're gonna talk about is something that is a lot deeper and scarier, and that is when you have a conflict with somebody over a core value or a deep, deep, deep desire that you have, and the topic we're gonna talk about is kids. Like, let's just say you're with somebody and you wanna have kids, but they don't, or they wanna have kids, but you don't. How do you handle these issues in your relationship, and how do you use the tools and science to truly pull apart whether or not this is just a difference of opinion, or this is something you have to accept, or whether or not this is truly a dealbreaker? So let's start with the situation where you're with somebody who's let their health go. How do you approach this topic in a way that both supports the change happening and also helps you determine whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you? It might be related to their weight. It might be related to mental health issues, and they are refusing to get therapy or to use their tools. These are very common and very challenging situations when you're in a partnership with somebody who is just not taking care of themselves, and you start to feel frustrated. And I know for me, in my relationship with Chris, this happened when he was struggling with depression, and he didn't wanna use the tools. And I've had lots of friends who have had relationships or been married to people who used to be super athletic, and then all of a sudden, because of work or just because they just started feeling more and more unmotivated, they let their health go, and next thing you know, they're going up several sizes in pants, and they aren't as active, and they don't wanna participate the way that they used to. And when it happens, and it's gonna happen in your relationship, you tend to go on this curve where first you're really, like, encouraging. Like, let's just take the example of wanting your partner to work out more, okay? And what do you do when you want your partner to work out more? You invite them to go to the gym. You say, "Let's go for a walk." You maybe buy them a personal training session. You, uh, buy them new sneakers, you get them athletic wear, and then as that doesn't work, what happens? You start to get a little annoyed, and you start to then notice how your friends' partners are physically fit. You start to feel jealous about the fact that you see other couples going for a jog along the Charles River while your partner is, you know, sitting at home watching, you know, the ballgame. Or you start to notice, like, "Why is it that we used to go do all these things and we don't do it anymore?" And you're frustrated, because every time you come home from work and you see your partner sitting on the couch with a bag of chips in their hand with the television on, you're thinking, "Why can't you get your ass off the couch and go for a jog, for crying out loud? 'Cause I'm starting to find you not that attractive anymore." And it happens. And here's the mistake that we make: we, instead of inspiring and influencing change, we actually cause a standoff and resistance to change. You know, you and I think that we're doing the right thing when we're like, "Hey, you should really update your resume and work on it." That doesn't in- bu- inspire and motivate the person that you love to change. In fact, what we know based on the neuroscience, and I write this, uh, I write about this extensively in The Let Them Theory book in section six, which is all about the fact that you can't change other people. And when your partner starts to let themselves go, you are going to want to change them, full stop. You're just going to want to, because you want your partner to be vibrant, you want them to stay in shape, you want them to be active and healthy, and to be alive long so that you guys can enjoy each other. So here's the problem: we quickly go from encouraging positive change by giving gifts and making recommendations, or trying to be helpful... And what the science unequivocally says, and this comes from Dr. Kay, The Healthy Gamer, Harvard-trained psychiatrist who I absolutely love, that human beings are hardwired to be in control of themselves. Feeling like you can control your life and your choices makes you feel safe. And so when somebody else tells you, "You should really brush up your resume," does that make you leap out of your chair and go, "You're right, I should"? It makes you go, "I'll do that when I'm ready." When somebody says, "You know, it's a nice day for a walk," you don't go, "You're right, let's go." You go, "Thanks, Captain Obvious. I think I'll sit here on the couch. If I wanted to go for a walk, I'd be out for a walk. Next." And that's not somebody being a jerk. That's your brain wiring. Because when somebody else tries to force or pressure you to change, your own natural human wiring creates resistance to it. Your pressure causes someone to push back. And look, I know because I've been in this situation with my adult kids, I've been in this situation with my husband certainly, where I wanted them to change, I had amazing reasons for them to change. This isn't some big values, like, dealbreaker, amazing, standoff fight. I just want the best for them. But you can't want change for someone else. And when you try to force someone else to change, you actually create resistance to change, so you're the reason why there's no room for change.You need to understand something. People only change when they feel like it. Your partner will only take better care of themselves if they think it's their idea, and that's why you need the ABC loop. Because I said you couldn't change somebody, I never said you couldn't influence 'em. Your behavior has a profound influence on the people around you, and if you use the science and you understand that any pressure is gonna create resistance, you gotta create space and acceptance, because that space and acceptance of where the person is gives the other person the space to step into the change and feel like it was their choice. Because otherwise, they just feel like you're a bitch or you're controlling, and to shut you up, they gotta do what you say, and that's not a healthy dynamic in a relationship. So, here's how you use the ABC loop in the situation where your partner has let them go and you're worried about 'em, very worried about 'em. And there's a little bit of, of prep work I want you to do before you just jump into these conversations. The first thing I want you to do is to truly ask yourself, why does this bother you so much? Like, what is it that makes you feel like you gotta parent this other adult? What is it about their letting their health go or this issue that you can't let go in the relationship? What is it for you? And the fastest way to get to the bottom of why this matters for you is to ask yourself "why" five times. "Why do I care if my partner health, health is gone?" And you might start off by saying, "Because I'm worried about their health." And then you go, "Why? Well, because we used to do a lot of fun stuff and we don't do anything any- anymore. Why? Well, it makes me worried because I read in the paper the other day that this guy dropped dead of a heart attack at 50 and I don't want that to happen to them." Or, "I see my other friends dating people that are super active and it bothers me. Why?" Ooh, now this is where this gets interesting, because oftentimes what you'll find when you ask five whys is you don't like the fact that the person has let themselves go because you think it looks bad for you, because you feel like it's something to do with you. Or you may find when you get to these five whys that you are just deeply scared about this person's health, and it's important for you to start there because when you step into this conversation, you gotta be able to own your side of the pressure and you also need to be able to apologize authentically. And so the ABC loop, again, is you're gonna apologize and ask open-ended questions, then you're gonna back off and observe behavior, and then you're gonna model change and celebrate any small forward progress in a very authentic way, no passive aggressive comments, and you're gonna do it for three months. So, you're gonna sit down, you're gonna apologize for being a jerk. "I'm so sorry that I've been texting you workouts through DMs. I'm so sorry that I've been pressuring you. I am so sorry that I've made, uh, offhanded comments. I love you. I am trying to support you and, you know, I've just never even asked you, how do you feel about your health? What does it feel like for you in terms of how I have shown up? How can I show up differently for you? What do you want?" And it doesn't matter what they say. You are there to listen. You're there to ask questions. If they say, "My health is fine," you say, "Uh, what, what's fine about your health? Like, why do you say it's fine?" And again, I'm gonna remind you, the point isn't the words that come outta their mouth, because the fact is your person knows they've let their health go. They're in conflict about it. They know what they need to be doing and they know they're not doing it and they don't feel good about it, and you simply asking the question, what happens based on this research that Dr. K was talking about, is that it stirs up this really necessary internal tension that reveals for the person in your life the disconnect between what they know to be true and what they want and their actions. And that conversation may last five minutes, it might be 20 minutes. I like to have these conversations in a car 'cause the person's trapped and you don't have to look at 'em and you can just not get triggered by their emotions, and I find that especially with my adult kids, even though we're talking, you know, about compatibility here, this is a technique you use with anybody. And so I do the prep work and then I get 'em in the car 'cause there's no drinking, there's nowhere to go, you're both looking ahead, people tend to be able to talk more openly in that setting for some reason, and so it might last a long time, it might not. Good job on doing A. Now B, and you need to let them through, you gotta back off. Back off. Let them. Let them sit on the couch. Let them eat potato chips. Let them not work on their resume. Let them be. Let them live their lives. Let them be an adult. Let them. You have to back off and observe their behavior. Why? Their behavior is the truth. You may care about this, they may not. You may be motivated about this, they are not.Their behavior tells you this, and I'm gonna tell you a quick story because I need you to understand the C part, because the C part is anytime you see anything positive happen, you have to cheer or celebrate this person and you have to model the change. You can't expect somebody in your life to stop drinking while you're pouring a glass of wine at night. You cannot expect somebody in your life to suddenly eat healthy and start, uh, walking every day after dinner if you're not. You cannot expect somebody to go gluten-free or to address their allergies if you haven't done it yourself. And so C is model the change and make it look fun and easy. Not like rubbing it in, but just when you go out for a walk, go out for a walk. When you come back in, just be like, "Oh my gosh, it's so beautiful outside. I feel, oh, so much more focused. I'm gonna go back upstairs and get my stuff done." You didn't ask them to go for a walk, you didn't pressure them, you demonstrated the change and you made it look fun and easy. Now people naturally move towards things that are fun and easy. This is why you and I buy stuff that we don't need. You know, a sports figure is like, "My golf game improved with this club." You're like, "Ooh, that looks fun and easy. I think I need that now." And so I'm gonna tell you a quick story. Let's say you're at work and every day at lunch your colleague gets up, puts on their jacket, and goes outside for a walk. And you're like tap, tap, tap, tap, tap and shoveling food in your mouth because you're addicted to being busy and you're just ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. And you watch this happen every day for a couple weeks. They never once ask you to go for a walk. Never. While you're like shoving food in your mouth and work, work, work, work, work, work, work. How long do you think it would take for you one day to look up and see that it's a sunny day and think to yourself, "Huh, I think I'm gonna go for a walk at lunch today"? Couple weeks? Maybe a month? If you watch somebody do this every day at work and they came back with a smile on their face and then they sat down with no drama and just kind of started tapping and they seemed happy? See, the research is very clear. This comes from neuroscientist Dr. Sherritt who teaches at King's College London and MIT, that your behavior influences other people, but other people have to think it's their idea in order to do it. See, when two or three weeks or a month goes by and all of a sudden you get up and you walk outside at lunch and you go, "Why do I not do this every day? This is amazing," you don't credit your colleague. You credit yourself for doing it. And this is critical for you to understand. This is neuroscience and basic wiring. You have to create the space and the conditions where your behavior influences somebody but doesn't pressure them. This issue is a standoff because you've been pressuring them. I want you to let them be themselves and focus on the let me part. Let me influence you by having the open-ended questions and asking and backing off and then changing and modeling the change. And when they suddenly get up and go for a walk or go for a run or the TV is off and they're in the, the kitchen working on their resume, don't be passive aggressive. "See? Doesn't that feel good?" Like, that feels like a shame. You're like, "Oh my gosh, your resume looks amazing." Or, "How is it outside? I think I might go for a walk. That looks like fun." Do you see the difference there? Because oftentimes when somebody finally does something, you swoop in and are like, "See? I told you so. Wasn't that good?" Now that makes somebody go, "F you. I'm not doing it again because I'm not your child." But when you say, "Oh, that looks like a good idea, let me try it," now all of a sudden you're reinforcing the positive change. And here's the final thing. You gotta give it three months, because they may never change. If you've had this conversation and you've truly given them the three months, you've just backed off and you've watched their behavior, and you're gonna need the let them theory. You're gonna have to keep going let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, to remind yourself that you gotta back off and let me just focus on modeling the changes. Let me focus on observing their behavior. Let me focus on removing pressure and seeing if I can accept and love and support this person exactly as they are. If these three months go by and they don't change, they're not going to change. So you have to move to steps D and E, and D means you have to decide if this is a deal breaker, and E means you gotta either end the relationship or end your complaining about it. So I know you're thinking, "Well, how do I know if it's a deal breaker?" It's very simple. Can you stop complaining about it? If you can't stop complaining about it, here's what it tells me. This is an issue that matters to you. This is an issue that is not something you're willing to just compromise on. This is an issue where if this person continues to just let their health go or they continue to refuse to go to therapy or they continue to just yell at you or be passive aggressive with you or text you non-stop at work when you've said, "I can't," like, or text you when you're with your girlfriends and you just are like, "I, I don't wanna be with somebody who acts like this," that's a deal breaker, because you have to understand people only change when they feel like it. This person's behavior has demonstrated they either don't feel like it, they don't want to, they're incapable of it. And so now it's on you.Can you marry, live with, and be with this person and be happy and love them as they are and not resent them and wish they would change for the rest of your life? That's what a deal breaker is. And that's not their responsibility, it's your responsibility to identify for yourself. And see, I think so many people are so scared to be single, you literally brush a deal breaker under the rug, and you gaslight yourself into thinking someone's gonna change, and they're not going to. It's not your job to change them, and the more you try to change them, the more tension and frustration there's going to be in your relationship. And that means E. If you can't end your complaining, and you can't accept who this person is exactly as they are, then they're not your person. They may be a great person, they may be a good person, but they're not great or good for you. For most people, it's not a deal breaker. It's something you have to learn to accept and still learn how to love somebody. You gotta let 'em, because the more you let someone be themselves, the better your relationship gets. And you know this is true, because do you like it when somebody tells you that you need to find a new job? Do you like it when somebody tells you you've got to get control of this debt? Do you like it when somebody tells you that, you know, maybe you should go back to the gym, or, you know, that kind of holds their mouth when you're like, "I- I've gone up a couple sizes of pants. Li- like, are these pants too tight on me?" And you're like, "They kinda are, but I don't wanna say any-" You know what it's like to feel pressure and to feel judgment, or to feel that sort of passive-aggressive support? "I'm just trying to support you." And what do you do? You push back. I'm here to tell you, you've gotta let other people live their lives, and you have to focus on the influence part. And using the ABC loop method, it reveals what the other person cares about. It reveals what is a priority for this person, and that truth is now information that you consider when you come back to the question we're talking about today, which is, "Is this the right person for me?" There's a really important stat that I want you to hear, and this statistic comes from decades of research done by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. They're the world's most famous relationship researchers. They also happen to be married. Check this out. 69% of issues in any relationship are unresolvable. What does that mean? That means 69% of the things that couples fight about, you will never be able to come to an agreement on, things like, "You're being sloppy," things like, "You talk too loud." For me and my husband, we constantly argue around the fact that my ADHD makes me a very messy person. I'm constantly running late. I drive Chris crazy in this regard. The thing that drives me crazy about my husband, he's a thinker, he's a slow processor, he tends to ask a lot of questions, it's quite annoying. These are things that are never gonna change. If the things that are never gonna change are part of that 80/20 rule, and the things that drive you crazy are part of the 20% nice to have, like, it'd be nice to have somebody that's on time, it'd be nice to have somebody that is a fast processor, is that really the stuff that matters? Of course not. Of course not. And so it really helps you kind of put into context, oh, well, this makes a lot of sense. And then that brings me back to the thing I'm gonna keep saying, which is, do you have somebody that, when you raise an issue with them, they lean toward you, and they wanna work on it with you? Because 69% of the stuff that you guys argue about, never gonna go away. So can you actually talk about them, and can you accept the person as they are? Because working through these things is what makes it last as a couple. If you're gonna go the distance with somebody, you're gonna go through so many different iterations and chapters with this person. There were times in my marriage where Chris made more money, there were times where I made more money, there's times where we both made the same kind of amount of money, there's time where he made no money, there's time where I was unemployed. It was like passing a baton back and forth. And what makes your relationship compatible and what makes it work is the willingness to work on it and work through it together on the 69% of things that are either not important in the long run, or will never actually be resolved. Your ability to determine what's a deal breaker, what's not, what is deep values and dreams and goals, and what's a nice to have, what is a phase and a chapter that we're going through that this person deserves my loyalty and support and compassion, and I'm gonna do my part, and I'm gonna let them, I'm gonna let them figure this out, and I'm gonna focus on what I can do, which is create an environment that supports somebody's change. And the research is very clear. The environment that supports somebody's change is zero pressure to change and positive influence based on your behavior and your acceptance, and this is critical to understand, because it seems counterintuitive, because you think, "Well, I gotta, I gotta force this person." No, no, no, no. You gotta actually step back and accept them, because when they feel loved and accepted, they don't feel ashamed by you, and they'll feel more empowered to step toward you. And that's the kind of balance and dynamic that is present in a relationship where you're really with the right person.And the interesting thing about these kind of breakdowns, and kind of wondering, is, and I said this, you know, throughout this conversation today, is that these are opportunities to make your relationship stronger. Working through things is what creates an incredible relationship, and I know you want that. Who wants to just date a string of people and break up, and, or get divorced, or go through pain and heart- nobody, you don't want that. I'm assuming you're with this person because you want to be with this person, and you want to make it work. And so if you want to make it work, then you gotta follow and work with the laws of human behavior and science, and the Let Them Theory's gonna let you do it, because that's the number one thing. No one's gonna change when you're pressuring them, and you're not with the right person for you if you're constantly in your head thinking everything's wrong. And this is never going to feel good for either one of you until you learn to love them as they are, and you learn how to have these conversations. So let's talk about the situation where you're with somebody and it's like a deep issue. This isn't going away. You want kids, they don't. They want kids, you don't. I mean, this is something that is going to cause a lot of tension in your relationship, and frustration, and resentment, and so you gotta determine, for real, where your partner stands, whether or not there is truly compromise, or whether or not this is a deal breaker. And so let's say you've been dating somebody for quite a while, and you know that you want children. You know you wanna get married. You know you wanna build a life with this person. But they're kind of in that mode like, "We'll see. Kinda open to it." But they won't give you a definitive. And as the months and the years start to pile up, and everything's okay, but you're starting to think, "Where do we stand on this? What is gonna happen?" I have a friend who wasted a decade of her life, in her 30s, with somebody, who strung her along on this topic, only to eventually break up with her when she pushed the issue. And so you're gonna use the ABC Loop because you have to honor yourself, and you have to honor your dreams and your goals and your values for yourself. And by the way, if you adamantly do not want to have children, and you are with somebody who does, and you think this is gonna change, you're wrong. And so you need to be having this conversation to get very clear with your partner, because staying with somebody when you've got a core issue that is looming in the background that you hope will just maybe ch- It doesn't work for most people, and you owe it to yourself to not be in a relationship hoping it delivers, but rather create and choose a relationship where you are with somebody that truly wants to work on these things with you, and wants the same important things as you do. And so you start with, again, the ABC Loop. The first is A, apologize and ask, and you're gonna ask open-ended questions. And so what you're gonna do is you're going to apologize. "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about this because I realize that I have been pressuring you, and I'm sure it doesn't feel good, and I've gotten snarky and passive aggressive, and I know that when I keep texting you the, uh, shower announcements of my friends' baby showers, I would imagine that kind of feels like a slam, and so I wanted to apologize for pressuring you. But I have a couple questions I wanted to ask. How does it feel for you when I bring this up? What are you thinking about the topic of whether or not you are open to having children, or whether or not you don't?" And asking the open-ended question, which is something you probably haven't done. Lot of us are like