Goal Setting Toolkit: How to Set the Right Goals For You AND Achieve Them | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Oftentimes, what I'm sharing with you are the things that I learned the hard way, and by that I mean by first screwing up my own life, and that brings me to today's topic, goal setting. It sounds simple, right? You just set a goal then you go after it. Mm-mm. I'm not only gonna give you tips, today we are gonna have a master class in goal setting. (upbeat music) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to a tactical and absolutely amazing episode for you goal achievers out there of the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the most trusted experts in the world on behavior change and motivation. I created the Mel Robbins Podcast because I wanted a place where I could connect with you on a deeper level and share the same research, tools, strategies, and insights that I've been teaching on stages around the world. Every single thing that I talk about here on the podcast, it's backed by research, it's simple, it's relatable, and oftentimes what I'm sharing with you are the things that I learned the hard way, and by that I mean by first screwing up my own life. I guess that's one of the reasons why I'm so optimistic that you can change anything you want to, because I figure if I can do it, you certainly can do it too. And that brings me to today's topic, goal setting. Now goal setting, it sounds simple, right? You just set a goal then you go after it. Mm-mm. Goal setting is something that I screwed up for years. I was the poster child of making resolutions and of being all talk, no walk. I was part of the 81% of people that had bailed on my resolutions by the time January 1st rolled around. That is, until I dug into the research, read the books, studied the experts, and figured out how you set goals and do it right according to what research has to say. And I want to talk to you about this today, because I am getting an avalanche of questions and messages about setting goals and breaking and making new habits, like this one from Dave.

Hey Mel, this is Dave. I'm wondering if you can talk about goal setting and how to do it right. There's a lot of talk about resolutions and goals, especially with the new year coming up, and in the past I've had a hard time setting them and achieving goals. Could you give me any tips?

First, I want to say to you, Dave, thank you for this question, 'cause you're not the only one that has a hard time setting and achieving goals. And I'm not only gonna give you tips, today we are gonna have a master class in goal setting. In fact, I am so excited by the number of you that are looking for information about ways to set and achieve goals this year that I've decided we're gonna do something a little different. For the next month or so, you and I are gonna dig into the most foundational and important building blocks that you need in order to create lasting change in your life. These are the topics that I have been researching and teaching around the world, these are the topics that I write about in my books and in our audio projects with Audible, this is what I have been studying for years. And so, here's what we're gonna do, and I am so excited about this. For at least the next month, all of the coming episodes are gonna be master classes, tool kits, 101s on the most important topics when it comes to personal development, success, happiness, creating a better life. Today we're gonna dive into goal setting, but then we're gonna jump right into habits, mindset, anxiety, relationships, mental health, healing your nervous system and trauma, confidence, boundaries, happiness, meaning, and purpose. Why? Well, because these are the foundational pillars to create a better life, and when you understand these topics and the latest research, most importantly, you have simple tools that you can apply immediately to your own life. That's a game changer, and so that's what we're gonna be doing in every single episode. Why? Well, change is always going to be hard, always. I'm not gonna lie to you about that. But neuroscience, academic research, and other people's personal experiences can provide unbelievable insights into how, when, and why behavior change efforts on your part can succeed or fail, and I want you to have all of this and be able to use it to your advantage. I already mentioned that 81% of people give up on their goals. Well, guess what? That's not gonna be you, because you, my friend, are going to have the science, the tools, the strategies, the shortcuts to not only making change happen, but making it stick. And so this awesome series that we are programming and bringing to life for you is gonna begin today with the topic of goal setting, because one of the things that I know based on the research is that no change will last in your life if it's not personally connected to you, and no goal will be achieved if you don't have a connection to why you want to achieve it. And so I figured if we're gonna do a big series that's gonna give you the foundational aspect and most recent research around changing your life, we better start with an episode where you identify personal, relevant, and achievable goals that you're excited about. That way every single other episode that you hear in this series for the next month or so, it's gonna help you achieve something that really matters to you, and the fact is, goals matter. According to the research, and you probably have experienced this when you have been working on goals, goals matter because, number one, they make you happier; number two, they suppress negative emotions and, in fact, based on some groundbreaking research out of the University of Wisconsin, having goals that you're working on can even suppress feelings of fear and depression. I mean, that's pretty cool. Third, goals give you a sense of purpose, meaning, and being up to something. In fact, I just had a conversation with our daughter Sawyer, who was saying that she's kind of in a rut. She's like, "I just feel like my life is the same old, same old, like every day is the same damn day," and it's only gotten worse because she works remote, and she's worked remote for over a year and a half, since she first interned for the company she works for as a senior in college. She's almost never gone into the office, no holiday parties, no nothing in person. Every day, she sits at her desk at home and works virtually. She hangs out with her roommates, so she loves, but it's like the same thing in and out. You want to know what's going to fix this? Goals. Because when you have goals, it interrupts the day-to-day doldrum. It gives you something to look forward to. It makes you feel like something cool is happening. And that leads me to the fourth benefit. Life is harder when you have no goals. Based on the research, having goals makes your life feel easier. And I think even just that little story I just told you about my daughter feeling like she's in a rut, you can see that when you're in a rut, life is hard. When you feel stuck, when things are monotonous, it's hard. When you got something that excites you, something that you're working toward, that's pretty awesome. And that's why we, you and me, we are going to start with your goals, because they matter. And what also matters is how you set them, because if you don't set goals the right way, based on science, you fail before you even start. And that was Mel Robbins for years. So think of this episode as a comprehensive toolkit that will help you make goals that are going to keep you inspired, that you can achieve, that are going to make you feel excited about the year ahead and what you're up to. And I have one promise to share with you. You're not only going to learn a lot today, by the time this episode is done, you're going to have identified between one and three goals. And you're going to do it with me side by side as I identify one to three goals for myself, and we are also going to apply the latest research every single step of the way. And I want to share that upfront because I expect your goals to change from the beginning of this episode until the very end, because you are going to be applying the research all the way through this episode. By the end of our conversation, you're not only going to have defined these goals, you will have refined them and you will have taken steps toward them. How freaking cool is that? So make sure you listen all the way to the end, because we are going to cover a ton of ground today. So let me just preview what you're going to learn today. We're going to start by unpacking really exciting research that's pretty recent out of the University of Oregon that simplifies goal setting into two major components of what makes up a goal. And if you don't have these two major components present when you set your goals, you will fail. Seeing this study made me realize why I have failed in the past at setting certain goals. I'll tell you those stories because I think that they're going to help you, but this is really exciting stuff because it's super simple and there's so much research here. Second, as you begin to identify the goals using these two components that we're going to unpack, I'm going to walk you through the five mistakes that everybody makes that prevent you from achieving your goals. And you're not going to make these mistakes because now that you got your goals identified based on the University of Oregon research, we're going to make sure we refine those goals using the five mistakes so that you can avoid the pitfalls that I know I've fallen into. And step-by-step-by-step, we are going to support you. I- I'm so excited for this episode, honestly, because I'm going to do this with you. And you're also going to learn about a widely reported study regarding whether or not you should talk about your goals. This is a study that people cite all over the place that has been debunked, and I will tell you the new research related to whether or not you should ever talk about your goals. Okay? Cool. You ready? I got to take a breath because there's a lot we're going to do. I'm really, really excited about this. I love goals, and I also love this recent research that I found from Dr. Elliott Burkeman at the University of Oregon. Now, Dr. Burkeman is the co-director of the Center for Translational Neuroscience, and he studies the motivational and cognitive factors that contribute to success or failure at achieving goals. I mean, he's figured this out for both of us. How cool is this? And when you hear this research, this is kind of one of those studies where you're like, "Well, that makes a hell of a lot of sense. Why did nobody tell me this?" So first, let's start with his definition of a goal, okay? Dr. Burkeman's definition of a goal is this. A goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. Let me unpack this. This is kind of illuminating, okay? So, a goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. So I'll give you an example of a goal. Let's say that this was the year that you're like, "That's it. I'm getting six-pack abs this year." If you have a goal of getting six-pack abs, you have to do something different. That's why it's a goal. If you have a goal of getting out of debt, for example, you have to do something to make that goal happen. Let me give you an example of what is not a goal. Watching that series that you're addicted to, right now for my family, it's Gangs of London, uh, I don't have to do anything different to watch the series Gangs of London. You see how that's not a goal?The reason why it's not a goal is there is zero resistance, there is zero change, there's zero that I have to do differently. Goals naturally contain friction and resistance because they require you to do something new. Now, that might sound obvious, but if you don't get that a goal is going to require you to push through some kind of resistance, you're gonna fail at setting them. They're gonna be way too easy, okay? So let's start applying this to your life right now. I want you to think about an area of your life that you would like to improve or where you want to set a goal. So just stop and think about the coming year. What is an area of your life that you wanna improve or where you want to make a new goal? I have three that I'm gonna share with you, and one of my goals for the coming year is in the area of free time and hobbies and having fun. A second goal of mine is gonna impact my health in a positive way, and the third is about my mindset and focus and clarity. So I'm gonna unpack these and just I invite you to listen along, and as I'm explaining my goals, think about what you're inspired to change, where you're willing to do something different. So I'm gonna start with number one, hobbies and having more fun. I really wanna spend more time... One goal of mine this year is to spend more time gardening. I just love gardening. Not vegetables. I like flowers, landscape. And I wanna make sure a goal of mine this year is that I spend more time gardening. That's one goal. Now, a second goal that I have for this year is related to my health, and I want to stop drinking for a while this year. And I can get into more as we unpack this and go through the research, but that's a goal of mine, to, to really just knock off the booze for a bit. And third is about my mindset. I want to get back, this is a goal of mine, to a consistent journaling practice every single morning. There are things that I do every single morning that have zero resistance. I don't even have to think about it. I roll out of bed when the alarm rings, no resistance. I high five the mirror every morning and set an intention. I have no resistance. I have a cup of coffee every morning, no resistance. I typically move my body most mornings, no resistance. But something that I really want to make a goal of mine is having a consistent journaling practice every single morning. That, that, that would be pretty cool for me. So I want you to now stop and think about you. What are goals that you have for the coming year that are gonna require you to do something different in order to make this goal happen? Now, I want to stop for a second because I want to address something that you may be thinking right now because it's a question I'm seeing a lot.