How to Let Go of What You Can’t Control & Redirect Your Energy

(instrumental music plays) My husband and I went away. We went all the way to Bali. So we're flying back. All of a sudden, the plane starts buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. I'm now convincing myself we're about to die. The captain's like, "Pshew, pshew, can the attendants please check their seats." My husband's sitting there like a Buddhist statue as I'm having a full-blown I'm-about-to-die moment in my seat. Which goes to show you something. Even when everything is major high stakes, there are things that are within your control and things that are not. I think a lot about that moment in my life where I was getting ready to go to a friend's funeral. He was like the second father to our daughter. And so, I remember just consciously put my hand on my heart and just said, "We're gonna get through this." And I was able to show up, you know, for my daughter in a way, um, that I wouldn't have been able to if I had been just dreading it. (clock ticking) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I am so excited that you are here with me. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you. And if you're brand new, I just wanna take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm thrilled that you're here. And I know that you're the kinda person who values your time and you're interested in learning about simple ways that you can improve your life. And I love that you chose this episode, because we're gonna talk about a topic that feels heavy, but we're gonna unpack it in a way that is gonna be so empowering. And I wanted to talk about the topic of dread for a number of reasons. The first reason is because here in the United States, there are two things going on that people are dreading. One is the fact that it's the time of year where we turn the clocks back, and so it is literally dark at four o'clock in the afternoon, at least where I live. And people dread this. The other thing that's going on right now is we're in the middle of a very contentious election. And I gotta just say right off the bat, we are not gonna have a political conversation today. This show is a respite from all the tension and politics and scary news that's going on globally. But all of these things, whether you're listening in the US, or you're listening in a country where there's contentious politics, or you're torn apart by war, or there's something going on in your family, we all have experiences where there are things going on outside of us that feel way beyond our control. And in those moments in life, whether it's winter coming, whether it's something extremely important like an election and how that's gonna impact people and their rights and what's gonna happen and how it impacts the economy at a national or global level, like these are really important issues. Maybe you have somebody in your family that's gotten a health diagnosis, or you have. Or maybe there's a conversation that you need to have with somebody. Maybe you're breaking up with somebody. Maybe you need to talk to somebody about their drinking, or you're worried about them. Maybe you need to give somebody feedback at work, or you have a huge test or presentation coming up and you're bracing and you're dreading it. I wanna talk about this experience that is extremely normal, and it happens more in your day than you realize it, which is bracing and dreading something that is happening around you. Whether it's global, whether it's national, whether it's seasonal, whether it's in your family, whether it's at work, whether it's in your love life. Heck, you might just be dreading the fact that you sent a text to somebody a couple of days ago and they haven't responded. And I had this experience recently that made me think about this, because my husband and I went away. And we... It's the first trip we've taken together where we've gone away for more than a long weekend. No kids, no friends, no kind of work to do while we're traveling, no family to visit. First time Chris and I have gone away for more than three days, a long weekend, in 28 years. Like the last time we did this, we were going on our honeymoon. And so, we go away, and you know, we went somewhere spectacular. We went all the way to Bali. And it sounds so sexy and it was absolutely amazing, and it's a place I've always wanted to go. And one of the great things about traveling for work for so long is I have a bajillion airline points. Like that's the only good thing about traveling for work. And so, we go all the way to Indonesia. We have this fantastic time where we do nothing. We rent a scooter, we're driving around in the jungle. We are doing yoga classes. We're reconnecting. Turns out, I really like Chris. Like you know, after 30 years of being together, we really like each other, and I'm really excited now about all this time that we can spend together. So we're flying back, and we have to take two flights. This is like a 26-hour trip, and I'm just talking the amount of time we have to spend in planes. So, we fly from Indonesia to Dubai, and these planes... I'm like a kid on these planes. These are the biggest planes I have ever seen in my entire life. I had never been on a plane that's a double-decker. I didn't know there were planes that have staircases. I mean, that's unbelievable. And so, we get onto the plane and like both planes, both ways, are double deckers. Like it's literally like walking into a shopping mall that lifts off the ground and flies. Like it is just fantastical to me that human beings have figured out how to take something that big and get it off the ground and keep it in the air for that lo... I mean, it is just mind-blowing. So...I'm just super excited, right? And I'm not a nervous flyer at all. I've flown so much, I've gotten over my fear of flying, and so we are on the fourth flight. We have gone to Indonesia, we have had our amazing trip, we have flown the first leg back, we changed planes in Dubai. I know we have a ton of fans that listen to this show in Dubai, so hi.A lot of you said hello in the airport. True about I- Indonesia too. Lots of fans, so it was so fun to meet you guys. We are on the final flight home. I am so excited. We are three hours out from landing at JFK. We are on the double-decker, like I- we're up top. Like, this is so fun. Chris is sitting next to me. And the cool thing about a plane this big, these suckers don't move. Like, this is like flying on a stick of butter. I mean, this sucker is cutting through the air. There's no bounce, there's no nothing, there's nothing. So we are over Iceland. Hello to our fans in Iceland. And all of a sudden, the plane starts ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Like, it's like you're on a boat, you got a light chop, right? Not a big deal. Then it starts to feel like you got rollers coming. So it's now like at this sensation. This thing's the size of a shopping mall. I mean, this is a big object for it to be going up and down some rollers in the sky. And that's one trick that I use when there's turbulence, is I just close my eyes and I think about being on a boat. Choppy water, choppy air. All of a sudden, the captain's like ... "Can the attendants please check their seats, check their seats please, check their seats." And there's a lit- and I'm like one of these people that's hyper vigilant, so I'm like, "Is that alarm in their voice? I'm detecting a little bit of nervousness." When that happens, I start looking for s- for cues. So now I'm looking as the attendants are racing down the aisles for hints of nervousness. Are they concerned? Do they look scared? And there was definitely... You know how, like, when, if you've ever valet parked your jog- your car, and you g- you come out to get the... and there's the valet jog where they sort of trot to get the car? They're not, like, running. This was faster than a valet trot. So, little bit of speed in there, and I'm like, "Okay, slightly concerned." (laughs) Like, okay. 'Cause I'm already slightly concerned that we've gone from light chop to this shopping mall in the sky is now starting to go up and down. I wanna tell you, this is the worst turbulence I've ever been in my life. This plane, and this sucker is huge, is literally swinging left to right through the air. It's not even going up and down. It's like you can see it swirling. And this is when I realize, "Oh my gosh, Helena, the hurricane, this is probably all that wind." Now, the worst part of this, other than the fact that when this happens and you feel like the trays bouncing and people's luggage bouncing and the plane's kind of going through, like, weird things, shapes and stuff, the pilots are not saying anything. And I would just like to make a public service announcement to every airline and every pilot who may be listening and every pilot in your life. Please send this to the pilots in your life and to the people that work at the airlines. Could you please train pilots to just give us a heads-up? 'Cause you know this is coming, and if you simply just said, "Hey everybody, just wanted to let you know we're about three hours out from JFK, and due to the, you know, Helena, we got some strong winds, and I think we're gonna go through some, uh, pretty significant chop and some rock for the next two and- you know, 25 minutes. If you could just strap in and for the safety..." Like, in a calm, smooth, velvety voice, I would have no problem. I'd put my headphones on, I'd be like, "Okay, you've told me the time. I don't have to worry about this. I now know with a certain level of certainty that we will survive." The pilots know this is coming, and the pilots are actually in control, and so they're warning us about this. But when this stuff hits, and there's that... (imitates static) And there's that nervousness, literally I need to be wearing a diaper at that point. Like I am like, (blows raspberry) like, "What is happening?" And haven't you ever noticed that the second that they make that announcement and you're like, "I now need to go to the bathroom, but now I can't get out of my seat, and now I'm trapped with my bladder, and the fact that I have to have diarrhea right now 'cause I literally feel like I'm about to die"? And that's exactly what happened. I l- I, I didn't poop myself, but I, I started bracing! And the worse the turbulence got and the more time that went, the more I just went south in my head. This sucker's going down. I am never gonna see my children again. Why did we go to Indonesia in the first place? We didn't need to take a vacation. I should've stayed... Like, I'm never gonna see my daughter's wedding or meet my grandchildren. I'm never gonna go... Like, I just literally just go south, and now I'm in full-on brace mode. And the interesting thing is, my husband's been meditating for 15 years. The man was sitting there, like a Buddha statue, with his eyes closed and his hands in a mudra as I'm having a full-blown brace, I'm-about-to-die moment in my seat. Which goes to show you something. You can choose how you respond to the things that are happening around you. Chris was not allowing himself to get concerned. I, on the other hand, was spiraling and in a state of bracing and dread and just like, "Oh my gosh." And the thing that's interesting about this is I'm a very pragmatic and rational person.... very logical person, even though I'm super emotional. I could think, in my head, "Okay, this is, you know, just the tail winds and, or the winds from the hurricane, and the likelihood is X." But I can't grasp those rational thoughts when I allow the dread and the brace to take over, because I'm now convincing myself we're about to die. And the fact is, that there is nothing I can do to change what's about to happen. I can't fly a plane, I can't change the weather, I can't change what the pilots are gonna do. The only thing I have control over, in that moment when I brace and dread and fear take over, is what I can do, and how I feel, and what I allow myself to think about and what I don't, in that moment. And seeing Chris so calm made me go, "Okay, let's just take a deep breath." And one of the first things that I did, because this is one of the things that I've learned over and over and over again, not only in the work that I do but with all of the people that we've talked with on the podcast, is that there are approaches in situations where there's a lot of uncertainty. And again, if we go back to the broader topic of just uncertainty around you, and what you can control and what you can't control, and even when everything is major high stakes, like a very big election, or a country torn apart by war, or a wedding that you need to call off, or a diagnosis, or a funeral. Even in those situations, there are things that are within your control and things that are not. And what I have found in my life is that I am very easily hijacked. I brace, like I can slam on the brakes and hit the bracing and do the alarm as, better than anybody, right? It's like, "Let's go." But it doesn't help me. In fact, it hurts me. And the worry that consumes me and the death spiral of the thoughts and the racing heart and the stress and the bracing and the whole mechanism that is your mind, and then from the neck down, your body, it actually hurts you in those moments. And that's what I've found over and over and over again. I have avoided breaking up with people for over a year, because I couldn't move through the dread. I have avoided getting out of bed at the worst moments of my life because I couldn't move through the dread. The dread is not the problem, it's that you allow it to consume you, and I'm, I- I wanna talk about the fact that there's another way to meet these moments. And what happened on that plane is, I tortured myself for probably 10 minutes, and I death gripped Chris's hand. So, like my wet, slimy, sweaty ... Now I'm grabbing the poor man, and I'm, like basically, not only have I, like snapped him out of his mudra and his- his meditation state, but I'm almost like breaking the digits on his hand as I'm gripping it, and he kind of snaps out of meditation, I'm like, "I'm really scared." And he's like, "Let's breathe." And so he did this technique with me, you may know it, it's box breathing. It's just a simple technique. I even know this. And here's the thing. When you start bracing and when you dread something, what we're gonna talk about today is that your physiology, your neurology, your psychology overrides everything that you know. And you can't access your tools. But the tools work. Box breathing is four breaths in, hold it for breaths, breathe out for four breaths, hold it for four breaths. That's it, that's all it is. Four, four, four, four. It's a box. So Chris is like ... And then he starts counting, "One, two, three, four, hold. One, two, three, four, out. One, two, three, four, hold. One, two, three, four." And so we get into this rhythm, and the thing about box breathing is it signals to your body that you're okay, because you're slowing your breathing, and when you're bracing, what you'll notice, like if you've ever had to break up with somebody, that walk up to their apartment or up to the public cafe that you're meeting them at because you know you don't wanna be alone when they explode at you, and you wanna be able to get outta there after you've had the conversation and said what you need to said, you wanna- you wanna go, you don't wanna be trapped where they are. Um, that walk up, oh man. You don't even breathe on the way there, because you're bracing. Walking into a hospital to have a procedure, you're bracing. Turbulence on a plane, bracing. Waiting for election results, bracing. Waiting for winter to come, bracing. Very normal experience, but I'm here to tell you and teach you what you can do in moments when it feels like the world is spiraling out of control or your family is or your heart is, and you're dreading what you need to face, and you're scared about how things are gonna turn out, or you're avoiding it because you don't wanna have to face it. There's another way. There's a better way, and there are simple tools that we're gonna teach you today that I use, when I can remember them, and that you can use, because I'll tell you what happened with the plane. Nothing. Like the captain, uh, came on, and, you know, started talking, and- and the co-captain came on and he started talking, and they were like, "Hey, sorry about that," like super casual. I'm like, "What- what..." I've been sitting here...Literally, I've got an, I've got a movie in my mind that you guys are freaking out and you're so busy touching all the dials up there that you got no time to make an announcement for the normal people back here, who are literally freaking out and planning their funerals and texting everybody that they love, "I love you, da, da, da, da." Which I did, I- I- I sent the I love you chat in the family. I'm so proud of all of you. Um, didn't wanna worry them by saying, "I think the plane's gonna go down." Like, you don't wanna do that, right? So I've got this, like, whole story in my mind that wasn't true. They were just up there bouncing and riding the waves and doing I don't know what, and they're like, "Hey, sorry. Hey, sorry about that. We're looking for some light air and ba-da-ba-ba-ba-dee-ba-dee-ba-da-oo-da-ba-da." And next thing you know, we got 10 more minutes, I'm good with that. I let go of Chris's hands and it's, like, crumpled up now because I've been, like, death gripping it like Iron Man. He goes back to the mudras and the meditating, and I put my headphones on and I start listening to my book again. And that's how quickly you can settle yourself if you understand the wave that comes and you understand that you have control and you understand how to settle your body, and then you pay attention to the input that you need so that you can redirect your own thoughts. Yes, you will be hijacked. No, you do not have to stay there. And in fact, I don't want you to, because you bracing doesn't help. It actually hurts you. And you have more power when you learn how to settle into these moments and stay present and calm and focused on what's within your reach and what isn't, and that's exactly what we're gonna talk about today. And so we were talking about this as a team, and there's a new member of our team named Phil who has joined us as a producer, and he started sharing this story about something that had happened in his life that was personal that related to dread. And so I was like, "Phil, how about you hop on the mic with me tomorrow morning? Let's talk about this." And he was like, "Game on. Let's go." And so Phil, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast (laughs) .