Understanding the Psychology of Perfectionism - Dr Paul Hewitt

Give me a, a better than most people probably already have working definition of perfectionism.

Okay. Well, first off, uh, perfectionism is kind of a deeply ingrained personality style, uh, that people use to kinda navigate their path through life. Um, so we talk about it as a way of being in the world, and, uh, um, it's, it's kind of the sense that at the core I'm not enough, that there's something that is, uh, flawed, defective. I'm not... I'm just not enough either to have worth or to be acceptable, uh, to other people, to fit, to belong, to have a place in the world. And so (clears throat) it's, um, it's a way of trying to navigate that because when we have that sense of being flawed and defective, where I don't fit, we don't just typically say, "Oh, okay, that's the way it is." We try to do something about it. We try to rectify it. (clears throat) One of the ways that a person can do that, and they learn this often very early in life, is that if, if I am perfect or if I can appear to others as perfect, then I will be acceptable to them. I will be loved. I will be, uh, cared for. Uh, I will belong. I will matter to other people. And by virtue of that, I will have worth. It will repair this sense of being flawed and defective at the core. So (clears throat) what it is, is, um, this sort of way of navigating the world of trying to conceal imperfections, trying, uh, yes, to be perfect in, um, in, in tasks and activities and that, but really it's more of a drive not to be imperfect. So it's kind of what... That's kind of the way we understand.

Mm. So the, this typical sort of upbringing of somebody that grows up to be a perfectionist, uh, i- is love contingent on performance?

Um, that can be an element of it. Um, I, I think that, uh, what we talk about in terms of the development would be a sense of... This comes from the attachment literature, uh, that people have probably heard, heard the term before, um, but also some writing, uh, self psychoanalytic writing, uh, on the development of the self by, uh, Heinz Kohut, and it's the notion that very early on in our lives, we develop a sense of, um, who, who we are, uh, uh, and a sense of the way other people work in our lives. And so, um, v- very often, the very early kind of lives of individuals who develop this flawed sense of self or this not fitting is there's what we call an asynchrony or a non-attunement. It's that these basic, (clears throat) very human needs to have worth and to be acceptable, uh, uh, or to, to fit and belong, uh, are not met, uh, early in the person's life.