The Terrible Paradox of Self-Awareness - Pursuit of Wonder

Why is self-awareness a problem?

Self-awareness is a problem... Well, first of all, I think it's important to recognize that we often think about self-awareness as a good thing. Um, we generally think about it as a gradient, so we, we might refer to somebody as being more or less self-aware than others, and, and more is, is typically assumed as better. When I'm referring to self-awareness, I'm referring to just the fact that we are aware of a self at all. And so the mere fact that we have a certain form of consciousness that provides us that sense of self is a problem for a, a number of reasons. Um, first and foremost, we've arrived with a sense of self-awareness, um, by a process of evolution that doesn't really care. Um, obviously care I'm using loosely there because evolution doesn't care at all about anything besides it's just continuation propagation. But the experience of consciousness and self-awareness from the first-person perspective is not central to the reason for why self-awareness and consciousness arrived in the form that humans experience it. And so we are often at odds with the fundamental nature of reality and existence by virtue of the self-awareness, in my view at least. And, and the, and the reason for that is as a self who is aware of that self, we attach to that self, we attach to the ideas of that self, we attach to people and things, and our desire to make sense of our perception and understanding through all of the concepts that we form by nature of having that degree of, of awareness. And yet reality and existence is fickle, chaotic, uncertain. We're going to lose everybody and everything, um, through time or distance, decay, age, or illness or death. Um, and so we, we find ourselves in this sort of cosmic ocean where the waves are crashing on our, our heads constantly, and yet we, we must continue because we are also a part of the same substrate that, that built us, that needs continuation. So it puts us in this very peculiar position where we can feel the intensity and pain and suffering that seems from a conscious individual entity terrible, and yet we mu- we, we just refuse to give up. We, we must e-endure, and so that's why it's problematic. But also, obviously, I, I, I see the other side of that coin, and the paradox of self-awareness, in my view, is that self-awareness, self-consciousness, self-apprehension is the most horrific, terrifying thing in the known universe, and yet it is the most beautiful thing in the known universe because as far as we're aware, it's the only thing that allows conceptual understanding of existence and reality, so we can form the very idea of beauty and wonder and meaning and purpose and hope. And it n- seems to me to be necessary that the first part, the other half of that coin, is in the equation for the second half to be possible.