Limerence Explained: Why Do We Get Addicted To People? - Crappy Childhood Fairy

Limerence. I didn't even know that it was a word that existed until recently and after doing a little bit of research, it seems to be maybe one of the hottest topics on the internet, especially something that doesn't even exist in the DSM yet. Uh, w- what is it? Can you give an introduction to those people like me who have no idea that this is even a word?

Limerence is this handy word for this thing that most people have experienced a little bit of and some people unfortunately have completely, like, lost their, lost their happiness over. And it was the, the phrase wa- the, the word limerence was coined in the 70s. There was a, a p- a psychologist named Dorothy Tennov and she was sort of referring to that Twitter-pated falling-in-love feeling. But it's evolved to mean something much more than that. It's that feeling, but then all of a sudden it sort of goes into hyperdrive and becomes this addiction-level obsession with another person who you can't be with generally, either because they're not into you, they're not available, or they don't even exist. Like, there are people who feel limerent about fictional characters.

Right. Okay. So the, the rabbit hole goes quite deep. You mentioned there that everybody has it in, uh, small doses?

(laughs)

D- does everyone who falls for someone go through limerence?

Well, technically speaking, yes, but then it sort of morphs into, especially if that person is in your life and maybe reciprocates your feelings, it'll turn into a more ordinary kind of love where, you know, because of the toothpaste cap and the toilet seat and just regular s- stuff of life, the magic spell starts to dissipate and real love can start to form. So technically you can call that early love limerence, but these days I think we're talking about it as something else and it's very, very common as a trauma symptom.

How is limerence different to an infatuation or a crush?

I think infatuation is the right word. It's just that infatuation ends before it turns sick. And so, you know, limerence, when it just gallops forward, it's really like up on a level of heroin addiction, I would say. I've known heroin addicts, I've known limerents, I've experienced limerence and I've had people limerent on me, and it's like that. People don't get over it unless they, like, really t- go take, take strong steps to get over it. Limerence doesn't go away, infatuation does.

Right. Okay. How is limerence different from unrequited love or codependency?

Hmm. Well, unrequited love is kind of a condition of limerence and there's, it's like this addiction to hope. Hope i- hope has a lot of chemicals in it. I've heard some researchers say there may be a, a genetic predisposition to it. It's, um, (laughs) it's, it's something that springs up. Well, I wanna tell you about the relationship to neglect in childhood. I'm in this unique position. I'm not a therapist, but I'm a YouTuber who gets hundreds and hundreds of letters, you know, w- every week from people and though, there's a letter that I kept getting over and over again about the same phenomenon where somebody said, "I grew up in a house with an alcoholic parent and now I'm in love with this guy and, uh, I can't really tell him, I know he wouldn't be into me and anyway he's married and I can't stop thinking about him, and now my whole life is falling apart and I, I should leave my job but I can't." And so somebody's really just, like, going down and, like, when you're, when you're in love with somebody who's good for you, you'll see signs that your, your life is kind of coming up. That's a sign. Like, I, I heard on one of your recent, recent, uh, interviews that you're in a relationship and when you feel good and happy and you notice that, "You know what? I'm, I'm, like, getting better as a person," that's love, that's a good partnership. When you're starting to check out, when you're starting to go down, I've sort of defined this whole, this downward ladder of stuff that happens to you when it's taking over your brain and your life. You start avoiding people, you're not emotionally available, you can't love, so it's really a different thing and it feels like it's about the other person but it's clearly not.