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ADHD Chatter Podcast

2 Vital Lessons From A Late Diagnosed ADHD Woman - Dez Rock

Alex chats to Dez Rock, a CEO of a major company, but also a woman who is coming to terms with her late diagnosis, and how so much FINALLY makes sense.

Dez RockguestAlex Partridgehost

Jul 9, 202448mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Regret, shame, and the long shadow of late diagnosis
Dez opens with a painful memory about her daughter’s autism diagnosis and how her own reaction unintentionally instilled shame. Alex frames the conversation around looking back: what Dez wishes she’d understood earlier, especially around relationships and acceptance.
- •Dez describes a lasting regret about crying when learning her daughter was autistic and how that impacted her daughter
- •Alex asks what pain points Dez wishes she’d known about earlier in life
- •Dez identifies friendships and relationships as a major struggle and blind spot
- •Dez explains she never meant to make others uncomfortable, but recognizes she sometimes did
Why small talk feels unbearable: craving honesty, stimulation, and dopamine
Alex and Dez dig into why small talk feels so unstimulating for them, and why deeper, more vulnerable conversations feel more “real.” Dez describes the energetic “hum” of connecting with the right people and how she often searches for the next mental spark.
- •Dez says she prefers integrity and honest conversation over weather-level chat
- •She describes recognizing “her people” by a shared energetic connection
- •Dez connects the boredom of small talk to a lack of stimulation and dopamine
- •She notes she’ll often look for an exit after a short time in small-talk mode
Oversharing, calibration, and learning not to overwhelm others
They explore how the urge to escape boredom can lead to deep questions and oversharing too early. Dez explains she’s become more aware that what feels safe and authentic to her can feel invasive to others, so she now tries to rein it in with certain people.
- •Dez explains a pattern: small talk feels boring, so she pivots quickly to deep questions
- •She shares how vulnerability can prompt others to share, making the conversation engaging
- •Dez says she didn’t realize she made many people uncomfortable and regrets that impact
- •She describes learning to “pull back” to keep others comfortable
Spotting neuro-beige vs neuro-spicy: dinner table dynamics
Dez describes how quickly she can tell whether someone will go into “deeper waters.” She contrasts what dinner looks like with “neuro-beige” people—where she masks—with the freedom and fun of being with “neuro-spicy” people.
- •Dez says she can usually tell within minutes whether someone is neuro-beige or neuro-spicy
- •Signals include willingness to go deeper and sharing special interests
- •At a neuro-beige dinner, Dez says she’d likely mask to act “appropriately”
- •With neuro-spicy people, she feels safe to say anything and connect quickly
Special interests, rabbit holes, and redefining what’s ‘useful’
The conversation becomes playful as Dez and Alex share examples of “useless” and “useful” special interests. Dez reframes the idea of uselessness, emphasizing the value of learning and short-term enjoyment even when a topic doesn’t translate into long-term payoff.
- •Dez suggests a question for neuro-spicy dinners: most useful vs most useless special interest
- •Alex shares a space-video obsession; Dez shares learning to make espresso off-grid
- •Dez describes lockdown interests that turned practical, like off-grid camping and building out a bus
- •Both argue that entertainment and education can be “useful,” even if not practical later
Inner circle rules: boundaries, trust, and friendship compatibility
Dez explains she’s more selective now about who gets access to her time and energy. She talks about cutting people out more quickly when trust is betrayed, and about organizing relationships into “circles” based on fit and compatibility.
- •Dez says her inner circle is harder to enter now because her time feels precious
- •She describes becoming less of a people pleaser with age and experience
- •Friendship struggles can come from exhausting others with constant depth and intensity
- •Betrayal of trust is a key reason someone would be removed from her inner circle
Public confidence vs private anxiety: acceptance, masking, and friendships that don’t need ‘watering’
Alex asks why some articulate, confident-presenting ADHD guests later reveal intense anxiety. Dez attributes the gap to fear of not being accepted and explains how comfort increases when she’s already identified someone as “her people.” They also discuss low-maintenance friendships that can pause and resume without guilt.
- •Dez says anxiety comes from uncertainty about being accepted and fear of judgment
- •She says she felt comfortable with Alex because of their off-record conversation after the first discussion
- •Alex describes friendships that can go months or years without contact and still feel intact
- •Dez agrees and values friendships without guilt trips, shame, or pressure to maintain constant contact
Status, culture, and the ‘buffet’ model of neurodiversity
Dez argues perception of ADHD and neurodiversity is shaped by culture and societal assumptions about what’s ‘standard.’ She outlines her “buffet plate” metaphor: people have different combinations of traits, so experiences, coping, and outcomes can’t be compared fairly.
- •Dez says cultural background and societal norms affect how diversity is experienced
- •She rejects the idea of a single ‘standard’ brain with everyone else outside it
- •She describes neurodiversity as a buffet where each person’s plate is unique
- •She cautions against comparing yourself to others because no two ‘plates’ are the same
TikTok diagnosing and rigid trait lists: why it becomes toxic
Alex asks whether self-diagnosing via TikTok can be unhelpful. Dez strongly agrees, arguing that pigeonholing a single presentation of ADHD harms people whose traits look different, and she uses her own lack of time blindness as an example.
- •Dez calls TikTok-style self-diagnosing and rigid trait checklists toxic and unhelpful
- •She says the field is still evolving in understanding and coping methods
- •Dez gives an example: she doesn’t experience time blindness, yet still has ADHD
- •She criticizes gatekeeping ideas like ‘if you don’t have X traits, are you even ADHD?’
Post-diagnosis hindsight: cringing, self-compassion, and the biggest pain points
Dez describes the post-diagnosis experience of replaying life events and suddenly understanding them. She highlights sadness for her younger self and identifies friendships and relationships as the area she most wishes she could redo with awareness.
- •Dez describes diagnosis as triggering a rapid re-interpretation of past moments
- •She says it can bring cringing, grief, and empathy for the younger self
- •Friendships and relationships were the biggest pain points she wishes she’d understood sooner
- •She notes she ‘stumbled and fumbled’ socially without realizing why
Family neurodiversity and marriage: awareness, patience, and ‘jet ski vs cruise ship’
Alex asks about neurodiversity running in the family, and Dez says her household is full of it, with younger family members having more resources and early awareness. She then explains how diagnosis and understanding changed her marriage dynamic, using the metaphor of her being a jet ski and her husband being a steady cruise ship.
- •Dez says neurodiversity is hereditary and present throughout her immediate family
- •She notes younger generations have more privilege in access to diagnosis and resources
- •Dez describes her partner as also neurodiverse and self-diagnosed as being on the spectrum
- •She contrasts their styles: her fast-changing ‘jet ski’ energy vs his stable ‘cruise ship’ approach
Motherhood: handling chaos—and a heartbreaking moment about autism stigma
Dez reflects on parenting, saying she can handle logistical chaos that others find overwhelming. She then shares her most painful parenting memory: learning her daughter was autistic before Dez had her own diagnosis, and reacting in a way that unintentionally communicated shame—something she’s since addressed directly with her daughter.
- •Dez says she’s able to juggle chaotic situations without feeling exhausted by them
- •She recalls people being shocked she could travel with four kids and not see it as chaos
- •Dez shares regret about her initial response to her daughter’s autism diagnosis and the shame it created
- •She says they have talked about it privately and she has apologized and reframed it as a systems issue, not something ‘wrong’ with her daughter
Neurodiversity as an engine for humanity—and the need for autism’s ‘day’
Dez argues neurodiverse people push humanity forward and shine in crises, while boredom in modern life can make coping harder. The conversation turns to autism stigma: Dez says autism needs broader, more positive representation to counter the shame she grew up with.
- •Dez says diversity has ‘pushed us forward’ and that humanity needs outside-the-box thinkers
- •She and Alex agree ADHD can be an advantage in crisis situations
- •Dez says autism needs more visibility and positive representation to reduce stigma
- •She describes how earlier cultural images shaped her understanding and fueled shame
Perspective, unmasking, and self-worth: choosing to feed the ‘gift’
Dez discusses ADHD as both gift and curse, and emphasizes the role of perspective in how she relates to it. She describes unmasking as physically and emotionally hard work, but says persistence leads to a calmer mind, deeper self-compassion, and greater success when she shows up authentically.
- •Dez frames her benefit-to-curse ratio through the idea of choosing which ‘wolf’ to feed
- •She says nothing changes but perspective, and that focusing on the good can be a conscious choice
- •Dez describes unmasking as intensely difficult with physical stress responses, but urges people to keep going
- •She says authenticity increased her success and that true self-compassion reduces self-judgment
Most impulsive moves: relationships, marriage, and a surprising fertility turn
To close, Alex asks about impulsivity, and Dez jokes that her examples would fill a long scroll. She names getting into a relationship—and ultimately marriage—as impulsive, then explains her earlier resistance to marriage, rooted partly in being told she was infertile before later having children.
- •Dez says her impulsive actions are too numerous to list, with mixed outcomes
- •She identifies starting a relationship and getting married as major impulsive decisions
- •Dez says she originally didn’t want marriage as an institution and only considered it if children were involved
- •She shares she’d been diagnosed as infertile and didn’t want to ‘tie a man down,’ before later having children

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