ADHD Chatter Podcast5 Signs You're A High-Masking Autistic With ADHD (AuDHD Expert Explains)
At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Five signs of high-masking AuDHD and the real cost
- Dr. Asif Bachlani explains how masking in ADHD, autism, and AuDHD develops from lifelong social feedback that you’re “not fitting the mold,” leading people to self-modulate to survive socially.
- The episode frames AuDHD as a push–pull system (accelerator vs brake; Apple vs Android) that can create internal contradictions like craving novelty while needing predictability.
- They outline five signs of high masking: assuming everyone experiences the world like you, constantly monitoring yourself, chronic unexplained exhaustion, excessive apologizing, and not knowing who you are without the mask.
- The conversation links masking to loneliness not as physical isolation but as lack of understanding and inability to be authentic—even in crowded rooms or close relationships.
- They discuss practical pathways to identity recovery and support, including finding environments/people where masking is unnecessary and using therapy/coaching to ‘peel back’ learned adaptations.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasMasking can start because you don’t realize your experience is different.
Many people assume their internal experience is universal—especially when neurodivergence runs in families and friendship groups—so differences only become obvious later (e.g., school, workplace, relationships). Realizing “not everyone thinks like I do” can be a major clue that you’ve been adapting without knowing it.
Constant self-monitoring is a core feature of high-masking.
They describe an “internal supervisor” running alongside the conversation: tracking eye contact, joke timing, whether you’re talking too much/not enough, and how you’re being received. This constant self-audit is framed as a major driver of social fatigue and anxiety.
Unexplained exhaustion often comes from the energy cost of masking.
With “two operating systems” (ADHD + autism) running at once, the brain spends extra energy managing both behavior and perception, like too many tabs draining a battery or cycling uphill in the wrong gear. The result is burnout that can look like unexplained exhaustion—especially after work or social time.
Over-apologizing can signal chronic adaptation—and can be exploited.
Apologizing becomes a default strategy to avoid conflict and “keep the peace,” even when nothing objectively wrong happened. They note this can increase vulnerability to manipulative dynamics when paired with people-pleasing and a strong need for acceptance.
The biggest long-term cost is identity loss and loneliness—even around people.
Long-term masking can create relationship loneliness (“Do they love me or my mask?”) and an identity blur where the mask becomes automatic and hard to separate from the self (Batman/Bruce Wayne analogy). Unmasking is described as “peeling an onion,” often helped by therapy/coaching, safer contexts (home/holiday), and neurodivergent-friendly relationships.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesSo you can feel like a square peg in a round hole, but I always think to myself, "Well, why is it a round hole? Why can't we have different sized holes that fits everyone?"
— Dr. Asif Bachlani
It feels like everyone else has been given this rule book, but somehow you're never given it.
— Dr. Asif Bachlani
You wouldn't tell somebody who can't see very well, "Just squint your eyes a bit more."
— Dr. Asif Bachlani
It's like riding a bicycle in the wrong gear up the hill.
— Dr. Asif Bachlani
"You don't have to become somebody else to be loved. You don't have to hide to belong."
— Letter to my younger self (read by Dr. Asif Bachlani)
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
