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ADHD Chatter PodcastADHD and Narcissism: The Hidden Link You NEED To Know! - Dr Mark Rackley
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Narcissistic Traits vs. NPD and the Myth of Narcissus
Alex asks what a narcissist is and how that differs from someone with NPD. Dr. Rackley separates narcissistic traits from the diagnosable disorder, and traces the idea from the Greek myth of Narcissus through Freud to the clinical term.
- •Narcissism is a catch-all term for traits such as feeling superior or special
- •NPD is a mental health disorder; the DSM-5 lists nine symptoms and five must be met
- •The myth of Narcissus is about being the object of your own affection
- •Freud linked narcissism to the ego
- •Someone with NPD can be hard to be around and potentially dangerous
Why Narcissism Is Such a Hot Topic and How Rare NPD Is
Dr. Rackley says popular culture and social media have made "narcissist" a casual label, much like casually saying "I'm a bit ADHD". He says NPD is rare at roughly 0.5 to 1% of the population, partly because people with it avoid seeking help.
- •Social media and TV portrayals make people label others as narcissists without assessment
- •Alex compares this to people loosely labeling friends as having ADHD
- •NPD prevalence is cited as between 0.5 and 1%
- •People with true narcissism avoid therapy because they see it as weakness
- •Real prevalence could be much higher than the reported figure
The Fragile Ego and the Need for Validation
Dr. Rackley explains what a narcissist needs to survive, using Freud's concept of ego. A fragile ego depends on external validation and cannot tolerate failure, so narcissists surround themselves with people who cheerlead them.
- •A fragile ego compensates with an over-exaggerated persona
- •They attack when the ego feels threatened
- •Healthy people draw on internal validation; narcissists need external praise
- •Low resilience because they cannot tolerate failure
- •They surround themselves with sycophants and avoid people who call them out
How Narcissists Prey on People and Covert Narcissism
Dr. Rackley describes narcissistic relationships as transactional, using workplace and romantic examples. He then contrasts overt narcissists with covert or vulnerable ones, whom he calls "smiling assassins".
- •Relationships are transactional with an undisclosed agenda
- •At work they are nice if it helps them get promoted
- •In romance, love bombing can serve motives like housing, finances or image
- •Covert narcissists use victimhood and sob stories to manipulate
- •Covert narcissism is harder to spot than the overt kind
Alone Time, Love Bombing and Keeping Someone Hooked
Dr. Rackley says a narcissist alone is plotting rather than reflecting, because they lack empathy and need others for validation. He describes how fast love bombing moves and how it shifts into control, using gaslighting, isolation and deflection.
- •Alone, a narcissist schemes rather than reflects or feels guilt
- •They need people because validation is external
- •Love bombing moves a relationship quickly to lock it down
- •The relationship becomes codependent and controlling
- •Tactics include gaslighting, stonewalling, weaponizing someone's ADHD and isolating them from family and friends
Dr. Rackley's ADHD Item: The Egg
Alex introduces his ADHD-item segment and Dr. Rackley presents an egg. He explains that it looks ordinary but can become many different things, as ADHD holds hidden creativity and versatility.
- •An egg looks uniform but is incredibly versatile
- •Boiled, scrambled or baked, it changes form
- •ADHD contains creativity that has to be released
- •He wants his patients to see that creativity inside themselves
- •Alex adds a "don't judge a book by its cover" comparison
Washing Machine of Woes: Leaving a Possibly Narcissistic Partner
Alex reads a listener's question from someone who wants to leave a partner on and off for a year, whom friends call a narcissist and who may lash out. Dr. Rackley discusses false promises to change, gaslighting about family, and the danger of narcissistic rage and violence after a breakup.
- •A narcissist who benefits from the relationship will not change; "I'll change" is a ploy
- •They may flip the narrative so worried family seem to have an agenda
- •Fear of how someone will react to a breakup signals control
- •Rejection can bring vengeance, threats, trolling and social media exposure
- •Threats can escalate into real violence, sometimes needing police and protection orders
Do Narcissists Know, and When Does It Develop?
Dr. Rackley says narcissists may recognize their traits but see them as advantages, not problems. He says signs tend to emerge in young adulthood, using Mean Girls as an example, and that entrenched traits are hard to change.
- •They may see traits like superiority as positive
- •They would not frame themselves as having a problem
- •Signs often appear in young adulthood or teenage years
- •Regina George in Mean Girls is his example
- •Ingrained personality traits become harder to change in adulthood
Alex Asks: Am I a Narcissist? ADHD vs. Narcissism
Alex voices worries that he shares traits like disliking being alone and needing praise to ease RSD. Dr. Rackley tells him that asking the question is a good sign. He explains that ADHD behaviors have no manipulative agenda, and that people with ADHD overthink, feel remorse and repair relationships.
- •Self-reflection and concern about impact on others point away from narcissism
- •ADHD distance or trailing off is not an attempt to make someone feel bad
- •Narcissistic rage can look like RSD aggression, and love bombing like hyperfocus
- •The person with ADHD tries to manage themselves, not control others
- •People with ADHD feel terrible after rage and over-apologize, while narcissists burn bridges
Low-Key Narcissistic Traits and Checking an ADHD Partner
Dr. Rackley names behaviors that can resemble narcissism without being it, such as entitlement, needing to be the center of attention, and resenting friends' success. For someone unsure about a partner, he suggests gently asking if they would see a psychologist and watching their response.
- •Entitlement and expecting only good things can signal low-key narcissism
- •Being unable to be happy for a friend's success is another sign
- •Constantly being the center of attention pushes people away
- •Asking a partner gently about seeing a psychologist reveals defensiveness
- •Persistent shutting down is worth noting
Two Narcissists, No Cure, and What Perpetuates It
Dr. Rackley says two narcissists wouldn't work as a couple because each needs someone to manipulate. He says there is no known cure for NPD and that enabling, transactional relationships can make the narcissism grow.
- •Two narcissists cannot satisfy each other's need to manipulate
- •There is no known cure for NPD
- •Origins are unclear; some research suggests a genetic element
- •Enablers who benefit from the relationship perpetuate it
- •Surrounding themselves with enablers means the narcissism only grows
Spotting Narcissists Early and Telling Love Bombing from Real Love
Dr. Rackley advises educating yourself about narcissism, trusting your gut and noticing when someone resists slowing things down. He distinguishes love bombing, which is intense and on the narcissist's terms, from lasting love that creates boundaries and respect.
- •Learn what narcissistic behavior looks like and trust your gut
- •If it seems too good to be true, it probably is
- •A genuine partner won't be threatened by slowing down
- •Listen to trusted people with no agenda
- •Infatuation spikes and fades, while real love has longevity and respects your terms
Can You Change a Narcissist? Success in Business
Dr. Rackley says you can't change a narcissist because they don't believe they have a problem. He then explains how narcissists can thrive professionally, since ruthlessness and lack of empathy are rewarded in some industries, and cites Succession as a portrayal.
- •Narcissists only change themselves and see others as the problem
- •The question becomes whether you can stay with someone who won't change
- •Lack of empathy can be an advantage in business
- •Some industries reward ruthless, rule-bending behavior
- •Succession depicts narcissism and people sacrificing themselves for power
The Everyday Narcissist and Social Media
Dr. Rackley describes everyday narcissists as boastful, envious and one-directional in friendships. He calls social media a perfect tool and breeding ground for narcissistic traits, where only praise is tolerated and criticism provokes defensiveness.
- •The Irish saying that they'd eat themselves if they were a chocolate bar
- •Constant boasting and jealousy of others' success
- •One-sided, transactional friendships
- •Social media is an open forum for envy and self-promotion rather than a cause
- •Narcissistic people only tolerate positive comments and react defensively to criticism
Closing Tradition: Running in Rome
Alex asks his closing question about the most impulsive thing Dr. Rackley has done lately. He says he went running in Rome in 36-degree heat, managed about 4K, and it was not a wise idea.
- •Alex's closing question is about recent impulsive behavior
- •Dr. Rackley ran in Rome in 36-degree heat
- •He managed roughly 4K
- •He admits it was not the smartest decision
Publisher timestamps
- 0:00Trailer
- 2:28A broad question and not yet ADHD specific, but, what is a narcissist and is there a difference between a narcissist and someone with NPD?
- 6:48Why do you think narcissism is such a big topic in the world at the moment?
- 8:27Is genuine Narcissism or NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder for audience members) common and if so, why do you think that is?
- 10:10What does a narcissist need to "survive" and what is it they’re looking for in life (and what are they looking for from people around them)?
- 14:20How does a narcissist prey on someone and what sort of people are they looking to exploit?
- 16:30Is covert narcissism different to the more mainstream narcissism we hear about and why is it particularly dangerous?
- 18:21Are narcissists afraid of being alone and what - in general terms - do you think a narcissist thinks of when they are left alone?Read this chapter
- 20:00What might the general timeline be for someone dating a narcissist and that dating turning into a serious relationship i.e how might narcissism show itself gradually in a romantic relationship?
- 22:04What tricks does a narcissist use to keep you on their hook if they see you as part of their "narcissistic supply”?
- 24:05ADHD ItemRead this chapter
- 27:06Washing machine of woes
- 33:09Do narcissists know they’re narcissists?
- 34:24At what point would a narcissist begin to become self-aware that they might indeed have a problem?
- 36:39I need to voice some worries of my own! I’m on camera, I think I share some of the traits we've been talking about. I don't like being alone. I need praise to rid me of my RSD….do you think I’m a narcissist? How can I tell?!
- 39:48How can I be sure that my traits are just ADHD and not narcissism?
- 43:09Are there any other similarities someone with ADHD might have that are typical of a Narcissist, but might not be narcissism?
- 45:07If someone has an ADHD partner and they are trying to figure out if it's ADHD, or if there is something more sinister at play, what steps can they take to help try to figure it out?
- 47:51Is there a known cause for narcissism and if not, what do you think might be a factor that perpetuates it?
- 49:18How to spot a narcissist
- 53:21Can you ever change a narcissist and is it worth trying?
- 54:05Can narcissists be successful professionally?
- 57:33Successful narcissists aside, with the lower rungs of narcissism and perhaps the majority of the narcissistic population that aren't particularly high-functioning CEOs, what can that look like? Or to put it another way, what does the "everyday narcissist" look like?
- 59:40Is social media causing narcissism, or is it just the perfect tool for someone who already is a narcissist?
