ADHD Chatter PodcastAutism Expert: What Autistic Masking Feels Like From The Inside
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 0:44
Why a diagnosis can be freeing—but doesn’t erase challenges (hikikomori case study)
Dr. Martin Brunet opens with a memorable patient story: a man who never learned to mask and became intensely socially withdrawn (hikikomori). The chapter frames masking as neither purely good nor bad—both masking and never masking can carry serious costs, and diagnosis is only a starting point.
- •Autism diagnosis can bring relief but doesn’t automatically solve life challenges
- •Some autistic people can’t mask, and some never learn to mask
- •Hikikomori: bedroom as both safe space and prison; online interaction as partial substitute
- •Social withdrawal can be a consequence of not masking
- •Prompting question: what happens if you never mask?
- 0:44 – 5:44
Masking from the inside: not just acting, but interpreting the world
Alex and Dr. Brunet clarify that masking isn’t simply pretending to be someone else. It includes the exhausting work of decoding social signals and continuously interpreting what’s happening in real time, not merely performing outward behaviors.
- •Masking includes perception and interpretation—not only behavior changes
- •The “actor” metaphor can miss the internal decoding burden
- •Masking can feel like constant analysis of incoming social information
- •Goal of the episode: show how masking can strip away identity over years
- •Setting up the end question: how to rediscover yourself
- 5:44 – 6:33
Is masking ‘inauthentic’? Feeling trapped behind the mask vs. being yourself
They explore the emotional nuance: some people feel masking blocks authenticity, while others feel the masked self is still ‘them.’ Dr. Brunet cautions against framing masking as lying, noting it can be an adaptive way to function, even if it becomes confining.
- •Masking can feel like a cage, but it isn’t necessarily deception
- •Calling masking ‘inauthentic’ may invalidate lived experience
- •Masking can enable participation in school, friendships, and work
- •The ‘trapped’ feeling can apply to both withdrawal and social performance
- •Autism is a wide spectrum—masking ability varies greatly
- 6:33 – 9:13
How early masking starts—and what teaches a child to do it
Masking often begins in childhood when a child notices they’re treated differently. Social feedback—teasing, criticism, disappointment, or repeated awkward moments—can teach that it’s safer to suppress natural traits to reduce negative reactions.
- •Many begin masking in primary or secondary school
- •Early cues: ‘not fitting in,’ peers responding differently
- •Environment safety strongly affects masking intensity
- •Shame/teasing/parental disappointment can push children to self-edit
- •Children may intentionally quiet parts of their personality to feel safer
- 9:13 – 11:16
Can one cruel comment shape decades? Micro-moments, trauma, and protective interactions
Alex shares a defining playground comment that drove him to study ‘how to be normal.’ Dr. Brunet explains that one comment can become the moment everything ‘lands,’ often within a backdrop of other negative signals—yet one kind interaction can also be powerfully protective.
- •A single remark can crystallize a broader pattern of rejection
- •Context matters: accumulation of micro-messages over time
- •Maya Angelou idea: people remember how you made them feel
- •Grace and nuance: it’s rarely one person alone responsible
- •Positive adults/teachers can create long-lasting resilience
- 11:16 – 13:13
What autistic people are protecting themselves from: rejection, shame, ridicule—and the need to belong
They name the threats masking is built to defend against: rejection and trauma most of all, plus embarrassment and ‘getting it wrong.’ Masking can also be driven by a desire to belong and can bring benefits (friends, jobs), even while taxing the person deeply.
- •Primary drivers: rejection and trauma; also shame and ridicule
- •Fear-based masking is typically the most exhausting form
- •Belonging and social acceptance can motivate masking too
- •Masking can help with interviews/work success
- •Benefits often come with significant psychological cost
- 13:13 – 19:55
Automatic vs. conscious masking—and the ‘autistic mirror’ (practicing social signals)
Alex’s mirror-wink story illustrates deliberate skill-building, but Dr. Brunet notes some children may mask from toddlerhood as learned behavior. They discuss literal mirrors and the broader ‘mirror’ of constant self-monitoring—tracking eye contact, timing, and reactions.
- •Masking can start as a conscious decision or become automatic learning
- •Some children show a clear ‘switch’; others mask very early
- •Practicing smiles/expressions can be a way to learn social rules
- •Even without a real mirror, constant self-reflection runs in the mind
- •Continuous calibration contributes to exhaustion
- 19:55 – 21:41
When masking becomes survival: chronic rejection, limited unmasking space, and burnout
Masking shifts from useful to survival-based when the person faces persistent low-level trauma or lacks any safe time to recover. Dr. Brunet links this to autistic burnout and emphasizes the importance of having environments where the nervous system can rest.
- •Survival-mode masking emerges with ongoing rejection/unsupportive settings
- •Key factor: too little space to unmask and recharge
- •High-demand roles can be manageable if recovery exists afterward
- •Autistic burnout mirrors broader burnout dynamics, amplified by social decoding
- •Safety at home and work is decisive for long-term impact
- 21:41 – 24:30
Subtle signs of masking in conversation: ‘passing the baton’ analogy
Dr. Brunet describes a clinician’s clue: conversational turn-taking that feels slightly ‘off,’ beyond typical cultural differences. The ‘baton pass’ analogy explains pauses, interruptions, and uncertainty about when it’s one’s turn—often noticed as awkwardness by neurotypical partners.
- •Turn-taking difficulties can appear as unusual pauses or abrupt interruptions
- •Cultural communication styles can resemble differences—context matters
- •In autism, the ‘rules’ of the baton pass may be unclear or inconsistent
- •Familiarity helps: friends can adapt and stop reading it as awkward
- •This subtle mismatch can drive more masking effort
- 24:30 – 26:23
Inside the masking mind: constant internal monologue and the loss of social enjoyment
They imagine the internal audio track: ‘What do I do now? What did they mean? Is this right?’ The cognitive load competes with the actual conversation, reducing pleasure and increasing fatigue—especially when the person must repeatedly restart small talk.
- •Common experience: nonstop self-questioning layered over listening
- •Masking can remove the ‘fun’ of social interaction
- •Mask can temporarily drop during an engaging one-to-one conversation
- •Switching back to small talk can trigger the full load again
- •AuDHD may intensify speed/volume of internal monologue
- 26:23 – 29:02
The aeroplane analogy: manual flying vs. autopilot—and the added burden of decoding signals
Alex compares masking to manually flying a Boeing 747 while others run on autopilot. Dr. Brunet agrees and adds a critical layer: it’s not only controlling outputs (smiles, pauses) but also manually interpreting ‘air traffic control’—incoming social data—making masking uniquely draining.
- •Neurotypical socializing can feel ‘autopilot’; masking feels manual
- •Masking includes both performance and decoding external cues
- •The term ‘masking’ can understate the interpretation/translation work
- •Translation analogy: constantly converting social language back and forth
- •Long-term manual mode increases fatigue risk
- 29:02 – 32:09
Years of masking: burnout, recovery time, and the temptation to withdraw
Dr. Brunet explains outcomes depend on intensity and access to safe recovery spaces. Without rest—or when home is also unsafe—masking can become traumatic, pushing people toward collapse or isolation as a protective strategy, with trade-offs in connection and life participation.
- •Outcome varies by masking intensity and recovery opportunities
- •Unsafe home environments can force continued masking after work
- •Autistic burnout arises when demands exceed recovery capacity
- •Avoiding socializing reduces exhaustion but can also reduce life engagement
- •The central theme returns: safety determines sustainability
- 32:09 – 36:07
The biggest cost: identity loss and profound loneliness despite ‘having friends’
They discuss people who mask so continuously they no longer know who they are, especially when they’ve never felt safe with anyone. This split between inner self and public persona can produce intense loneliness—even in busy, socially ‘successful’ lives.
- •Chronic masking can blur self-concept: ‘No one knows who I am’
- •Suppressed emotions can flood when alone, making solitude unsafe too
- •Loneliness can come from withdrawal or from hiddenness within friendships
- •A few truly safe relationships are vital for wellbeing
- •Safety and trauma history strongly shape identity impact
- 36:07 – 43:39
Why autistic women are missed, ‘high functioning’ vs. high masking, and code-switching success
Dr. Brunet links late diagnosis in women to historical stereotypes (male-centric autism narratives like Rain Man) and ongoing gendered social judgments that increase pressure to mask. They explore how someone can look highly successful while privately falling apart, and introduce code-switching as constant role-shifting across contexts.
- •Historical under-recognition of autism in girls drives today’s late diagnoses
- •Open question: are we now catching girls as effectively as boys?
- •‘High functioning’ often equals ‘high masking’ with hidden cost
- •Gendered language/judgment can increase pressure on women to mask
- •Code-switching: shifting roles at work/social/family—often nonstop for autistic people
- 43:39 – 54:28
Diagnosis as an emotional turning point—and how to find yourself (and unmask safely)
They outline why late diagnosis can bring relief, grief, or anger—especially after years of mislabeling. The closing advice reframes authenticity: masking was still ‘you,’ but you may need more breathing room; unmasking isn’t mandatory, and should start by finding safe people and spaces rather than risking everything at once.
- •Diagnosis reactions vary: relief, grief for lost years, anger at misdiagnosis
- •Some people prefer understanding without an official label
- •Rediscovery focuses on self-acceptance and contentment, not ‘erasing’ the past
- •Unmasking isn’t right for everyone; assess what you might lose or gain
- •Practical start: identify safe relationships; avoid risky disclosures in toxic environments
- 54:28 – 1:00:38
Washing Machine of Woes: audience Q&A + a letter about not losing the person underneath
In the audience segment, Dr. Brunet highlights autism’s individuality (Chris Packham quote) and the biggest masking myth: it’s only acting, when it’s also interpretation. They end with a letter to a younger self about survival through becoming what others need—and the hope of being loved without the mask.
- •‘When you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person’
- •Big myth: ‘everyone masks’ ignores the decoding/translation burden
- •Masking feels exhausting—often most apparent after the event ends
- •Useful self-check: how long does recovery take after masking?
- •Closing letter emphasizes worth beyond fitting in and being loved without the mask
