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ADHD Chatter PodcastRich & Rox (ADHD Love) FINALLY open up about Autism, Arguments + ADHD Confusions!
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Episode Preview: Autism, Trauma and Arguments
A short preview of the conversation. Rich is asked whether he thinks he is autistic, the hosts raise trauma and ADHD, and Rox is asked about using ADHD to get out of an argument.
- •Rich is asked if he thinks he's autistic
- •Rox says she believes ADHD can be trauma related
- •Rich says he struggles to understand how Rox can't learn from mistakes like losing sunglasses
- •Rox is asked when she last used ADHD to end an argument
Burnout and Overwhelm from Moving House
Rox describes skating on the edge of burnout after taking on a book release, a tour, festivals and a house move in one month. Both describe how stressful the move has been for two neurodivergent people, including the first time Rich said he was overwhelmed.
- •Rox calls the plan a manic 'I'm unstoppable' ADHD moment she regrets
- •Builders in the house trigger sensory overload and anxiety for Rox
- •Rox has had panic attacks, a tight chest and guilt over not pulling her weight
- •Rich messed up the movers and had to move their stuff by van
- •Rich said for the first time that there were too many demands on him, which scared Rox
The Rox Box and Guilt Versus Shame
Rich and Rox reflect on dividing the work of the move, including the famously badly packed 'Rox box'. Rox contrasts the guilt and RSD she feels when Rich does more with the lack of shame he feels when she takes the lead on decorating.
- •Rich organised the move and says Rox will decorate the whole house
- •One box out of 30 became known as the Rox box because it was so badly packed
- •Rox will hyperfocus on decorating with Pinterest boards
- •Rox links her guilt when Rich does extra to RSD
- •She envies that Rich feels no crippling shame about it
Is Rich Autistic? Considering an Assessment
Asked about an ADHD diagnosis, Rich says it's unlikely and raises the possibility that he's autistic. He mentions his dad, his eldest child, comments from the internet and tour colleagues, and Rox describes unmasking since he left the bank.
- •Rich thinks his dad has autism and his eldest is diagnosed autistic
- •People online and on tour have suggested Rich might be autistic
- •Rich says he struggles with overstimulation and noise in London
- •Rox says plan changes make him anxious and that he is detail-oriented and blunt
- •Rox links his visible traits to unmasking after leaving his bank job
- •Rich says he does think he's autistic and will probably pursue it
Why Rich Can't Understand Repeating Mistakes
Rich says that even after years of explanations he can't understand how Rox can't learn from repeated mistakes such as lateness or losing things. He contrasts this with her ability to hyperfocus and master topics quickly, and says he has learned to accept and love it.
- •Rich says he struggles to understand the inability to learn from mistakes
- •He cites time issues and losing things, including sunglasses
- •He says he is compassionate and doesn't shame Rox
- •Rox's ability to learn something she hyperfocuses on, like self-releasing a book, makes him envious
The Bath Meltdown and Why They Rarely Argue
Rox tells the story of her meltdown in a bathroom showroom and her last-minute wish to cancel the bathroom work. They also discuss earlier arguments, confrontation avoidance linked to childhood, and how sobriety changed how anger shows up.
- •Rox melted down over not finding the right bath and tried to cancel the work the day before it began
- •Rich says the sudden plan change was impossible, since everything was already paid for
- •An earlier gym argument happened before diagnosis, when Rox said she wasn't aware of the time
- •Rox fears confrontation after growing up with rage and shame, and says she used to rage when drinking
- •Rox says other people's anger makes her anxious while Rich's sadness or anxiety doesn't
The Wear-Again Shelf and Good and Bad Days
Rich names Rox's tidiness, especially the wear-again shelf, as the trait most likely to cause a row. The conversation then moves to what a good day looks like, with rewards and walks, and what a bad day looks like during the move.
- •Rich explains the wear-again shelf and why mixing dirty, worn and clean clothes creates extra washing
- •Rox says 'not right now' because she dislikes demands in the moment
- •A good day involves coffee in bed, a joint to-do list and dopamine rewards after work
- •Rox jokes that Rich treats her like a dog with rewards
- •Bad days are marked by tension, no calm and little things becoming hard
Sober on Tour and Managing RSD in Music
Rox describes returning to music at 39 as a sober artist on an 'anti-rock and roll' tour, while Rich hides in the van and drives. She then explains how RSD held her back for years and how making ADHD content with Rich helped her handle online hate.
- •Rox protects herself at festivals with earplugs, early nights and scented candles
- •Rich went on stage in a nappy for one song at Slam Dunk and prefers the van to drunk crowds
- •RSD was a big reason Rox waited so long to pursue music
- •Rich reading hateful comments in a funny voice helped her detach
- •Showing up with her shame in ADHD content built confidence she took into music
ADHD, Music and Becoming a Rock Star
Rox explores the crossover between ADHD and music, saying it expresses sensitivity and quiets busy minds. She describes using a rock-star persona to overcome shame on stage, and Rich says the creativity that comes with her ADHD is what he cherishes most.
- •Rox says music lets sensitive people express emotion and quiets internal noise
- •She and Alex describe adopting personalities or accents from films and people they meet
- •A superhero-style stage persona helps her stop showing up small
- •Rich's reminder that everyone is an imposter changed her thinking
- •Rich says their work together wouldn't exist if Rox were neurotypical
Could ADHD Be Trauma Related?
Alex asks whether ADHD could be rooted in trauma, and Rox says she believes so personally. She and Rich discuss how divisive this is, the book that resonated with her, and why they focus on acceptance and support rather than a single cause.
- •Rox read Scattered Minds and found its idea of ADHD as a sensitivity resonant
- •Mentioning it on social media upset many people, including parents
- •Stress and an unsupportive environment can make ADHD symptoms worse
- •Alex says the 30 doctors he has had on all say different things
- •Rich says the symptoms and struggles are real wherever ADHD comes from
Estrangement from Her Father and Missing Her Mum
Rox shares that things with her father have worsened since her diagnosis story, and they haven't spoken. She says she is working through therapy towards forgiveness. Asked by the producer about her late mother, she talks about her mum's love and her wish for Rox to find love and buy a house.
- •Rox's father reacted with anger and shame to her speaking out, and they haven't spoken since
- •She lost her mum at 22 and feels the absence of family at milestones
- •Rox is working in therapy toward forgiveness and possible reconciliation
- •She says her mum probably had ADHD and would have loved Rich and the kids
- •Her mum's wish was for Rox to find love and a stable home, which has now happened
Rox's ADHD Item: The Scented Candle
Alex lights Rox's ADHD item, a scented candle. Rox explains how candles calm her sensory system on tour, in the bath and while writing, and Rich jokes about the cost.
- •Rox lights candles in the tour van, in the bath and when anxious at home
- •She couldn't write the book without a lit candle
- •She paired candles with an alcohol-free gin and tonic as her dopamine ritual
- •Rich says she can't do the food shop with him because she fills the trolley with candles
- •Alex bought two, one for the item shelf and one for Rox
Writing Small Talk: Negative Core Beliefs and Parenting
Rox explains that Small Talk is about the negative things neurodivergent people say to themselves. She describes scrapping a happier book after reading thousands of poll responses about core beliefs. They discuss writing together with different working styles and how Rich apologised to his autistic child.
- •Rox abandoned a joyful book after seeing responses full of self-hatred like 'I'm lazy' and 'I'm unlovable'
- •She says self-hatred is the worst ADHD symptom and shares that she attempted suicide at 23
- •The top 10 beliefs became chapters, each exploring and unwinding the belief
- •Rich planned and wrote daily while Rox wrote in chaotic hyperfocused bursts
- •Rich apologised to his eldest after seeing parallels with how core beliefs form
Meeting Audience Members and Finding Purpose
Asked for heartwarming stories, Rox and Rich describe the impact of meeting people in person, such as those who say their content saved a marriage. Alex shares similar experiences, and they reflect on how online numbers become real at live shows.
- •Seeing someone cry in person makes the impact feel real
- •Millions of views feel like abstract metrics until they meet people at live shows
- •Rich and Rox were stopped by a fan on the way to the studio
- •Alex says people have hugged him and burst into tears
- •Rox says the thing she was most ashamed of became the key to her purpose
Washing Machine of Woes and the Impulsive Dubbi App
A listener asks how to handle a daughter's curiosity about alcohol after the parent's addiction, and Rich and Rox share how they handle it with their own child. Rox then describes starting their body-doubling app Dubbi as her most impulsive move, and Rich calls himself Mr. Anti-Impulsive.
- •Rich and Rox set boundaries around alcohol at home and are open about their sobriety
- •Rox says role modelling and building self-esteem matter more than banning alcohol
- •Rich says addiction thrives in secrecy, so openness helps
- •Rox's most impulsive act was starting the Dubbi app after an idea in a swimming pool
- •Rox says impulsivity with support and self-understanding became constructive
- •Rich says he is highly organised and not impulsive
Publisher timestamps
- 0:00Trailer
- 2:16What have you been up to and what have you learned about yourselves in the past 7 months!
- 6:48Have you had any huge ADHD realisations since we last had you on? Either Rox about your own ADHD, or Rich as a close observer of ADHD?
- 9:45So, no ADHD diagnosis for you yet Rich?
- 13:44Rich, are there still things you just have trouble understanding about ADHD no matter how often they're explained?
- 15:34Rox, be honest, when was the last time you used ADHD to get out of an argument?
- 28:02Rich, which one of Rox’s ADHD traits is most likely to cause an argument in your relationship?
- 31:51What does a good day look like in your household?
- 34:36What does a bad day look like?
- 35:39Sobriety and how that’s impacted Rox’s music career
- 39:48How do you manage RSD when navigating the music industry?
- 44:11I've always wanted to ask a musician, what do you think the association between ADHD and music is?
- 46:58Has taking to the stage again dug up anything within you, either insecurities or passion for performing?
- 50:08So Rich, when was the last time you had a moment of "Thank god Rox is NOT neurotypical" and you found yourself really cherishing Rox's eccentricities?
- 52:09Do you consider that ADHD could be trauma related?
- 56:30Rox, has your father now accepted your diagnosis?
- 1:00:13Rox, my producer has a personal question for you…
- 1:03:46The ‘ADHD item’ segment
- 1:05:47Why your new book is called ‘Small Talk’
- 1:20:38Do any heartwarming stories from your audience spring to mind?
- 1:24:08Washing machine of woes
- 1:31:18Your most impulsive thing
