The Diary of a CEOAnt Middleton Opens Up About His Personal Demons, Being "Cancelled" & His Spirituality | E74
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 3:40
Introduction: Demons, Cancellation, and a Different Side of Ant
Steven Bartlett introduces Ant Middleton, outlining his career in the military and television, and contextualizes the conversation as Ant’s first deep interview since being ‘canceled’ and dropped from SAS: Who Dares Wins. He sets the expectation that this episode will reveal a more vulnerable, personal side of Ant than the public has seen before.
- •Ant’s background: adventurer, ex-special forces, TV host, author, entrepreneur.
- •Channel 4 dropped him from SAS: Who Dares Wins, citing misaligned values.
- •This is his first in‑depth public discussion since the media storm.
- •Steven frames the episode as dealing with life’s most important question: how to be happy, successful, and free.
- 3:40 – 15:10
Making Friends with Demons: Childhood Trauma and Early Self-Reflection
Using a quote from Ant’s book, the conversation explores his philosophy on ‘demons’ and how his father’s death and a sudden move to France forced him into deep self-reflection as a child. Ant describes recognizing overwhelming circumstances he couldn’t control and turning inward to understand his own feelings, which became the basis of his lifelong introspection.
- •Demons and dark thoughts are part of being human; the key is to exercise them, not suppress them.
- •Suppressing negativity allows it to spread and control you ‘like a mold.’
- •Ant’s father died when he was five; a new stepfather arrived quickly, and the family abruptly moved from Portsmouth to rural France.
- •As a child overwhelmed by change, he sat in a bush and chose to stop trying to understand external chaos, focusing instead on his internal emotions.
- •Early self‑reflection (age 6–7) gave him insight into his strengths, weaknesses, and ‘demons,’ providing a mental advantage later in life.
- •He acknowledges fleeting suicidal ideation as a child (‘the cars move fast there’) that didn’t fully register but reveals how extreme his early stress was.
- 15:10 – 29:30
Exorcising Demons: War, Alcohol, and Extreme Environments
Ant explains how unprocessed demons manifest in war zones and how he consciously exorcises his own through conversation, alcohol, and extreme physical challenges like climbing Everest in storms. He distinguishes the peaceful euphoria he feels on the edge of life and death from the adrenaline rush people imagine, describing it as a radical simplification of life’s complexity.
- •On the battlefield, he’s seen level‑headed soldiers ‘lose their heads’ when demons take over.
- •His coping mechanism includes intense, honest drinking sessions with veterans to talk through trauma.
- •He also exorcises demons physically by seeking extreme situations—Everest in storms rather than on safe days—to push himself to the life‑death line.
- •At that edge he feels not adrenaline but profound peace and clarity: life reduces to ‘you live or you die.’
- •He compares this to World War poets writing in trenches—life’s complications fall away in pure moments of existence.
- •He admits this ‘drug’ of the life‑death line is addictive and may be dangerous, but it’s integral to how he processes his inner darkness.
- 29:30 – 40:50
Fitting In, Becoming a ‘Dickhead,’ and Leaving the Army
The discussion turns to Ant’s early military years and cultural dislocation moving from French civility to British barracks life. To survive, he embraced drinking, fighting, and aggression, but a disturbing vision of his future led him to leave the Army and later realize those learned demons still controlled his behavior on ‘civvy street.’
- •Joined the British Army at 16 after growing up in a French environment of politeness and coffee shops.
- •Army culture was ‘drink, fight, fit in or fuck off,’ forcing him into a persona that wasn’t natural to him.
- •He became good at drinking and fighting to avoid being a target—discovering destructive parts of himself.
- •A turning point: seeing a senior NCO drinking piss from a boot, realizing ‘that’ll be me in 15 years’ if he stayed.
- •He left the Army but carried the same aggressive, heavy‑drinking identity into the Metropolitan Police and social life.
- •Got kicked out of police training for drink‑driving, yet initially brushed it off as part of being a soldier persona.
- 40:50 – 53:50
The Job Centre Epiphany: Ego Collapse and Rebuilding Identity
Ant recounts a defining moment sitting on the steps of a Job Centre, broke and unemployed, after being told by an advisor his military record was exceptional and he should ‘go back into that space.’ There he had an almost out-of-body experience where he confronted his lies, shredded his ego, and decided to live as his true self, leading him to rejoin the military as a Royal Marine.
- •At 22–23, he refused to claim benefits, instead going to the Job Centre with his military ‘red book’ of qualifications.
- •An advisor told him his report was one of the best he’d seen and advised him simply to return to the military.
- •Sitting on the stairs afterward with only a train ticket and loose change, Ant realized he was pretending to be someone else.
- •He internally ripped himself apart: acknowledging arrogance, fake reputation, and living as a ‘shadow’ of who he really was.
- •Standing up from those steps, he felt like a new man, committed to being himself and cutting ego‑based baggage.
- •He rejoined the forces via the Royal Marines, vowing to be a respectful, hard‑working team player and not a boozing camp hero.
- •He achieved Best Recruit (the King’s Badge) in Royal Marine training, as he had in the Army, and recognized he now had a choice: use that success as a springboard or repeat past self‑destruction.
- 53:50 – 1:06:50
Ego, Psychedelics Analogies, and Continuous Self-Interrogation
Steven draws a parallel between Ant’s stairway epiphany and how psychedelics strip away ego and social personas, enabling people to act from their true selves. They agree that everyone faces a crossroads between living a constructed identity or risking discomfort to be authentic, and Ant reiterates that self‑honesty must be a continual, evolving practice.
- •Steven compares Ant’s ego dissolution moment to the effect of psychedelics described by a major psychedelics investor: stripping away societal bullshit to reveal true self.
- •They note that many people live unauthentic identities to survive certain environments (e.g., pretending to like certain music or careers).
- •Ant emphasizes self‑interrogation as an ongoing requirement; you can’t just ‘find yourself’ once and stop evolving.
- •He sees evolution—constantly changing, adapting mindset—as the natural order; refusal to change is akin to lying to yourself.
- •Ant embraces people saying he’s changed: to him, not changing over 10 years is a red flag.
- 1:06:50 – 1:42:00
Cancel Culture, Career Risk, and Choosing Integrity Over Compliance
The conversation moves into cancel culture and how public success increases pressure to self-censor. Ant describes being told not to voice certain views to avoid losing deals, but he insists on speaking his mind within two constraints: no intent to offend and no malicious action. He sees attempts to control his words and image as attacks on his identity and would rather lose work than become fake.
- •Steven notes that as public profiles grow, pressure to avoid honesty intensifies because stakes (careers, contracts) are higher.
- •Ant is frequently warned: ‘Don’t say that, you’ll lose this book deal or production,’ a dynamic he calls out explicitly.
- •His two rules: don’t speak to offend; don’t act maliciously. Outside that, he feels free to tell and seek the truth.
- •He positions himself politically ‘in the middle’ and rejects being bounced to ideological extremes simply for disagreeing with one side.
- •Ant acknowledges many people are genuinely afraid to voice opinions because losing income threatens their families.
- •He describes refusing to work with brands or channels that question who he is, preferring to walk away and rebuild from his foundations.
- •He likens himself to figures like Piers Morgan and Jeremy Clarkson: being ‘canceled’ can be survivable—and even galvanizing—if you have a strong underlying base.
- 1:42:00 – 1:57:40
Violence, War, and the Difficulty of Switching Selves
Ant explains why the same traits that made him effective in combat—extreme aggression and emotional detachment—caused problems in civilian and barracks life. He describes the mental whiplash of flipping between lethal force and family man, the lingering ‘war animal’ that can surface at the wrong time, and his ongoing effort to buffer that military persona so it works in normal society.
- •In war, the system rewards countering violence with extreme violence; in civilian life, any violence leads to prison.
- •He had to be an ‘animal’ in Afghanistan, hunting Taliban commanders and engaging in frequent firefights.
- •On operations, he could switch from killing in one room to encountering women and children in the next—demanding rapid emotional shifts.
- •Back home he struggled with transitions, requiring about two weeks each time to re‑integrate into family routines.
- •His wife experienced him as a storm disrupting the household after tours and filming; they needed time to recalibrate.
- •Ant dislikes when his military banter and vocabulary surface in civilian settings and consciously works to control it.
- •He critiques the idea of ‘once a Marine, always a Marine,’ insisting he now primarily identifies as a presenter and mindset educator, though he still occasionally has to ‘pull on’ the old soldier to get things done.
- 1:57:40 – 2:16:40
Tough Love, Selection, and Using Negativity as Fuel
Discussing his TV persona on SAS: Who Dares Wins, Ant clarifies why he uses harsh language and pressure on recruits: it’s a deliberate filter and a way to draw out their real character for growth. He distinguishes between destructive negativity and negativity harnessed as fuel toward a clear positive aim, emphasizing the importance of a compelling positive motivator.
- •Ant’s aggressive treatment of recruits is designed to surface their attributes, not to humiliate for its own sake.
- •Some viewers find his language and methods uncomfortable, but he insists there is always a positive motivation behind them.
- •He sees selection as both a filter (weeding out those who can’t handle reality) and a mirror (forcing participants to see who they really are).
- •Negativity (anger, revenge, wanting to prove people wrong) can be valuable energy—but only if pushing toward a positive goal.
- •Without a positive target, negativity simply drives people deeper into destructive patterns.
- •He argues people should use failure as a learning platform, banking progress made even when they miss the ultimate goal, rather than labeling themselves failures.
- 2:16:40 – 2:26:10
Victimhood, PTSD, and Owning Your Choices
Ant takes a strong stance against adopting victim identities, even when doing so could have materially helped him—for example, by claiming PTSD to avoid prison. He describes being explicitly advised to use PTSD as a legal defense and refusing because it wasn’t true for him, highlighting how any first false step locks you into a long road of inauthenticity.
- •He was offered an easy way out of a prison sentence by claiming PTSD; lawyers assured no one could disprove it.
- •Despite family pressures (wife and children at home), he refused because he knew internally it was a lie.
- •He warns that taking one false step sets you on a multi‑year path living a fabricated identity.
- •He sees a culture of victimhood as a trap that breeds resentment (‘why has he got this and I haven’t?’) and undermines agency.
- •Ant advocates always asking: ‘Do I feel comfortable taking this step?’ If not, don’t take it, regardless of external pressure.
- •He treats external criticism as fuel when he knows his intentions and foundations are solid.
- 2:26:10 – 2:35:00
Comfort vs Challenge: Pandemic, Meaning, and Our Design to Evolve
Prompted by COVID‑19 upheaval, Steven asks how to handle moments when odds are against you. Ant argues that humans are designed to evolve through change and challenge, not stagnate in comfort, and that modern society’s cotton-wool mentality creates mental illness by disconnecting us from our natural drive to adapt and overcome.
- •Ant loves being thrown into the deep end with ‘dive boots on’ because it forces adaptation and growth.
- •He has continuously reinvented himself (Army → Marines → Special Forces → media → author → business) as a way of embracing change.
- •He believes most people live in a ‘void’ or autopilot, resisting change even as the world constantly evolves.
- •Overprotection, comfort, and social shackles push people away from their natural state, contributing to mental illness and addiction.
- •Steven cites data on falling life expectancy linked to opioid addiction and lack of meaning, including rat experiments where added meaning reduced drug use.
- •They converge on the view that challenge and meaning—rather than comfort and safety—are crucial for psychological health.
- 2:35:00
Spirituality, Connection to Earth, and Life Purpose
In the final stretch, Ant opens up about his deep, almost spiritual sense of connection to the earth, using metaphors of humans as leaves on a planetary tree. He recounts a powerful experience in the Andes where a mountain ‘spoke’ to him through an energy surge and rockfall, reinforcing his belief that he is aligned with how he’s meant to live. He closes by defining his life purpose as a never‑ending quest to become the best version of himself.
- •Ant has always felt a strong connection to the earth, seeing mountains and landscapes as collaborators rather than obstacles.
- •He rejects the idea that humans are mere visitors; instead, we are the leaves of the planetary tree, integral to its life cycle.
- •In Chile’s Andes, he sensed an energy connection just before a chunk of mountain broke off and crashed nearby, which he interpreted as confirmation of that connection.
- •Steven and Ant discuss spirituality as simply feeling interconnected with the world, stripping away ‘hippie’ stigma.
- •Ant keeps much of this spiritual side private, feeling misunderstood by media caricatures of him as a one‑dimensional hard man.
- •He wants to live as long as possible to continue the ‘fascinating, addictive’ journey toward the best possible version of Ant Middleton, a state he knows he’ll never fully reach.
- •Both men agree that honoring one’s true self, even at great short‑term cost, is the real path to long‑term freedom and contentment.
