Behaviour Change Scientist: How I Lost 120lbs With Kindness: Shahroo Izadi | E222

Izadi argues people usually fail not because they lack information, but because the internal conversation when plans go wrong is harsh, shaming, and irrational. If you spoke to a loved one the way you speak to yourself after a ‘blip’, you’d never motivate them. Replacing self-criticism with the same mix of firmness and compassion you’d offer someone you care about makes you more likely to get back on track and build habits ‘in a row’ until they become easier.

She describes spending years delaying joy, self-care, and even listening to music she liked until she was thinner. A pivotal therapeutic question, “What if you never change?”, forced her to start doing the things she was saving for her ‘future slim self’ now. Once she allowed herself boundaries, self-care, and pleasure at her current size, bingeing reduced and other habits improved because she wasn’t operating from deprivation and self-loathing.

From her addiction work, Izadi stresses that overeating, drinking, or using drugs are often functional coping strategies for pain, anxiety, or unmet needs. If you remove them without understanding the job they’re doing, you’ll likely replace them with another destructive behaviour. Approaching habits with ‘curious, compassionate inquiry’—asking how they serve you—both reduces shame and helps you identify what underlying problem still needs solving.

People overestimate the power of long-term goals in the moment of temptation. Izadi recommends assuming your plan will be disrupted and preparing how you’ll talk to yourself then: zoom in on the single choice, recall past difficult things you’ve done, and deliberately choose the action you’ll be proud of tomorrow. Over time, using these moments as opportunities to ‘voluntarily demonstrate your capacity’ builds self-trust and resilience.

Rather than relying on motivation alone, she suggests adding friction to unhelpful behaviours (e.g., remove saved card details from food delivery apps, move the sweets drawer, add extra steps between trigger and action) and removing friction from desired ones (e.g., sleep in gym clothes). The aim isn’t to prove you’re ‘strong enough’, but to disrupt autopilot, create a pause, and give your rational voice a chance to weigh in.