The Diary of a CEOVanessa Van Edwards: Why withholding liking costs friends
How small cues like phone-checking, posture, and profile photos warp warmth; a cat or cowboy hat can pull the right people toward your dating photo.
CHAPTERS
- 4:20 – 10:20
Why Communication Determines Almost Everything You Want in Life
Vanessa reintroduces herself as a “recovering awkward person” who now teaches communication and body language to hundreds of thousands of students. She and Steven establish how critical communication is for relationships, career, and even longevity, and discuss whether charisma and social skill are innate or learned.
- •Vanessa helps awkward, highly intelligent people share their ideas better across all mediums: in-person, email, text, video, and voice.
- •She argues that mastering communication can get you a better partner, raise, business, friendships, and social support system—and is linked to living longer.
- •While some people are born more charismatic, most charisma is learned through trial and error with nonverbal and vocal cues.
- •Vanessa frames herself as proof that extreme awkwardness can be transformed into social competence with deliberate practice.
- 10:20 – 23:10
From Awkward to Connected: Rethinking Friendship and Social Struggle
The conversation explores different ‘brands’ of awkwardness, Vanessa’s overeager “Labrador energy,” and why so many people, even in big cities, feel they don’t know how to make real friends. Vanessa introduces the idea of core friendship values and how misaligned values cause friendships to fizzle.
- •Awkwardness can manifest as trying too hard, over-talking, and seeking approval, not just being robotic or shy.
- •Many people have casual acquaintances but struggle to “level up” to deep, best-friend relationships.
- •Vanessa’s core friendship values are respect (e.g., not being consistently late), self-honesty (no self-deception), and depth (willingness to talk about what’s really going on).
- •Viewers can find their own friendship values by reflecting on what drove them crazy in past friendships and what interactions made them feel calm, healed, or truly themselves.
- •Steven adds personal responsibility (vs. chronic victimhood) as a key friend value.
- 23:10 – 32:10
First Impressions: The Triple Threat and Digital Judgment
Vanessa details how first impressions form visually before any words are exchanged and why they’re surprisingly accurate and sticky. She explains her ‘triple threat’ for strong first impressions, shows how profile photos alter perceived warmth and competence, and discusses how small cue changes can shift how others treat you.
- •First impressions form the moment someone sees you (in a doorway, across a room, in a profile photo), not when you begin speaking.
- •Research suggests first impressions can be ~76% accurate for traits like openness, extroversion, and conscientiousness.
- •The biggest first-impression mistake: greeting people while looking down at a phone or device, which mirrors universal defeat/loser posture.
- •Triple threat: (1) open, expansive posture; (2) visible hands; (3) early, direct eye contact.
- •Profile picture experiments show different photos of the same person produce different trait judgments—meaning you can intentionally design for more warmth or competence.
- •Warmth cues: head tilt, genuine smile, hand near face, visible hands; Competence cues: glasses, watches, neutral expression, structured pose.
- 32:10 – 42:00
Decoding Photos, Sunglasses, and the ‘Red Apple’ Effect in Dating
By analyzing several profile photos, Vanessa demonstrates how we unconsciously infer profession, warmth, and authority. She warns against sunglasses in photos, explains why polarizing signals (like a cat or cowboy hat) are useful, and introduces the ‘red apple’ metaphor for standing out in busy dating apps.
- •A warm, nurturing female headshot with head tilt, glasses, watch, and conservative dress suggests therapist/coach and balances trust and authority.
- •A male dating photo with a big, genuine smile and head tilt is highly warm but may undermine perceived gravitas for roles requiring strong competence.
- •Sunglasses in photos block visual access to the eyes, reducing oxytocin-linked feelings of trust and connection.
- •Vanessa prefers visible eyes and subtle motion/energy in photos (e.g., wind, movement) to raise warmth.
- •The ‘red apple’ principle: in a basket of green apples, one red apple gets chosen despite being the same objectively; in dating, distinctive but authentic quirks help you be noticed amid noise.
- 42:00 – 52:40
How to Make (and Avoid) Great First Impressions in Conversation
The discussion shifts from static images to live interaction: Vanessa shows how posture, visible hands, and eye contact help in first meetings, interviews, and podcasts. She introduces script-breaking as a conversational strategy and suggests playful ways to answer and ask “How are you?” differently.
- •Bad first impression ingredients: taking minimal space, hiding hands (in pockets or under table), and avoiding eye contact.
- •Visible hands signal harmless intentions; humans are wired to feel safer when we can see others’ hands.
- •Ideal eye contact in Western cultures is around 60–70%, with especially important contact at the end of key points to “seal” them.
- •Over-rehearsed, unbroken eye contact can feel robotic; thoughtful leaders often look away while thinking and reconnect at key moments, which conveys authenticity and competence.
- •Script-breaking: avoid generic “How are you?” and “Busy, good” loops; answer with a number (“7 out of 10”) or a tiny, vivid context (“Fighting my inbox but 10/10”).
- •Alternative openers like “What’s good?” or “What are you looking forward to?” shift the emotional tone toward excitement and positivity.
- 52:40 – 1:03:50
Gifting Chemicals: Becoming a Master Communicator in Any Setting
Vanessa frames great communication as the act of ‘gifting’ good neurochemicals—dopamine, serotonin, testosterone—to others. She gives practical question swaps for dates and meetings, introduces ‘thread theory’ and me-too moments, and shows how to leverage shared interests to deepen connection.
- •Dopamine: triggered by questions about excitement and anticipation (“What are you looking forward to?”), building motivation and energy.
- •Serotonin: created through belonging and acceptance (“You can be yourself with me,” me-too moments, feeling seen), leading to calm and safety.
- •Testosterone (for all genders): boosted when people feel competent and capable; leaders can reinforce this by praising skill and contributions.
- •Thread theory: conversations are made of ‘threads’—shared experiences or interests; each me-too moment adds a thread and strengthens the relational fabric.
- •To avoid making me-too moments feel self-centered, mirror the other person’s enthusiasm but then bounce the focus back to them rather than hijacking the topic.
- •Vanessa challenges listeners to act as chemical benefactors—leaving people literally biochemically better after each interaction.
- 1:03:50 – 1:15:10
Second Impressions, Online Openers, and Story Toolboxes
The focus moves to nurturing relationships beyond the first encounter, especially online. Vanessa explains how to craft second impressions that reassure people they mattered, how to stand out in dating-app messages, and why having a prepared ‘story toolbox’ turns small talk into meaningful talk.
- •Second impressions are opportunities to confirm you remember and value the person (“I’ve been really looking forward to this lunch,” “I always love our conversations”).
- •In dating apps, opening with non-generic words or quirky signatures (“Howdy,” “Aloha,” even “Bingo”) cuts through message noise and leverages the pique effect.
- •Online, be the figurative ‘red apple’: still recognizably human but slightly different so you’re not lost in sameness.
- •On Zoom, turn your camera on at least for the start; your impression begins the instant your video appears, not when you figure out your mic.
- •Prepare an anecdote or question before each call to avoid flat openings; example: a quick story about discovering a great place, then inviting the other person’s view.
- •Create a story toolbox note on your phone: for recurring topics (weather, traffic, where you’re from), store small, practiced stories or trivia that reliably spark deeper conversation.
- 1:15:10 – 1:23:50
Zoom Presence, Background Cues, and Authentic Eye Contact
Vanessa dives deeper into video-communication best practices: why fake backgrounds backfire, how to position your camera, and how to make remote interactions feel more human. She emphasizes designing your environment as a conversational ally rather than a neutral or distracting backdrop.
- •Fake/blurred backgrounds feel subtly off (like bad green screens) and can make you seem less authentic and more distracting.
- •Use real backgrounds with intentional ‘conversation cues’—books, art, or objects that reveal your interests and spark questions.
- •Examples: Kevin Hart having photos of favorite comedians behind him, or a permanent ‘waving’ hand in a photo creating a constant nonverbal greeting.
- •Align your camera close to where the person’s face appears on screen to balance looking at them and at the lens; target ~50% of your gaze on each.
- •Research shows oxytocin can be produced even through a screen when eye contact and genuine engagement are present.
- 1:23:50 – 1:37:10
Live Date Coaching: Hidden Attraction and Conversational Dream Killers
Vanessa recounts a live experiment where she coached first dates via earpiece, revealing how participants’ internal feelings wildly differed from what their behavior conveyed. She unpacks dream-killing answers, nonverbal coldness, and how fear of vulnerability plus ‘busyness’ sabotage promising matches.
- •On one date, Ashley was highly attracted to Kendrick but displayed closed body language, flat questions, and no visible interest—he had no idea she liked him.
- •Dream killing happens when you shut down a question with a negative or dead-end answer (“I don’t really go out”) without offering playful nuance or a follow-up.
- •Instead of “I don’t go out much,” she could’ve said, “I love my Netflix nights, but for the right occasion I can definitely go out and party sometimes.”
- •Numeric questions (“How long have you been here?”) easily become conversational dead ends unless followed by deeper inquiries or reflections.
- •Vanessa tried to engineer micro wins (like guessing his age correctly) and encouraged toasts (“always do a cheers”) to loosen stiffness and create warmth.
- •Despite mutual interest, Ashley initially rejected a follow-up date as “too busy,” illustrating how busyness and rigid routines derail connection and contribute to the so-called “baby crisis.”
- 1:37:10 – 1:50:10
Options Overload, Checklists, and Why Modern Dating Feels Numb
The pair zoom out to systemic issues in modern dating: too many options, rigid self-care routines, and unforgiving checklists. Vanessa connects these trends with the famous ‘jam study’ and argues that high standards plus endless choice can blind people to real chemistry when it’s right in front of them.
- •Like the jam study (more jam flavors → fewer purchases), too many dating options can paralyze decision-making and reduce commitment.
- •Rigid self-care and productivity routines (“I can’t go on a date; I have my morning routine and workout”) often rank relationships last, despite social connection being critical for health and longevity.
- •Internal checklists for partners (career level, ambition, etc.) can block people from noticing organic connection or even learning enough to assess their assumptions.
- •Vanessa notes many people have been on “100 dates” and still say they can’t find someone—something that would’ve been impossible in a small village 100 years ago.
- •She argues we’ve become numb to how attractive, funny, and kind people are because social media and constant exposure have raised the perceived baseline.
- 1:50:10 – 2:08:40
Reset Challenges: No-Mirror, Offline, and Facing Control Issues
Vanessa proposes two behavioral challenges to combat numbness and loneliness: a 30-day no-mirror challenge and a social media/online blackout. Steven reflects on workaholism, control, and why networking feels draining, while Vanessa links screen-based dopamine to resistance toward in-person risk and discomfort.
- •No-mirror challenge: 30 days without looking in a mirror; forces focus away from appearance, boosts confidence, and reveals who values you beyond looks.
- •Social-media blackout: remove phone-based dopamine so you must seek reward via real-world interactions, as Vanessa once did while traveling without devices.
- •Video games and digital work provide achievement and dopamine, reducing motivation to endure the friction of in-person networking and social risk.
- •Vanessa suggests Steven’s dislike of networking partly stems from his need for control; in digital spaces, he fully controls what he sees and exits; in real conversations, he doesn’t.
- •Reframing networking via specific goals (testing new questions, looking for one story or inspiration) gives social events a purpose that makes them more tolerable.
- 2:08:40 – 2:20:20
Communicating Like a Leader: Hooks, ‘Because’, and Explaining What You Do
The conversation returns to business leadership and how great leaders answer “What do you do?” in a way that invites depth. Vanessa critiques shallow role labels, uses Tim the ‘code monkey’ as a case study, and explains why a clear ‘who I help’ plus a because-story is crucial.
- •Leaders often answer “What do you do?” with vague or technical labels (“I run a tech company,” “I’m a software engineer”), which are conversational dead ends.
- •Better answers include a hook: a brief description plus who you help and what part you love (“I’m a software engineer; I get to play with code all day and work with an amazing team”).
- •Tim calling himself a “code monkey” made his job sound demeaning and invited negative reactions; the term undercut his own enthusiasm.
- •Vanessa advises leaders to identify the most interesting client, project, or side passion and weave it into their intro so people know what to ask next.
- •The ‘because’ effect: even silly reasons (“I really have to copy this”) can increase compliance; in communication, clearly stating your why makes it easier for others to buy in.
- 2:20:20 – 2:37:40
Showing Liking: Verbal Praise, Laughter, and Safe, Playful Touch
Vanessa insists that the main cause of loneliness is people withholding overt liking. She outlines specific verbal, vocal, and physical signals that convey appreciation and attraction, and distinguishes between being funny versus being a great ‘passenger’ who amplifies others’ humor.
- •We rarely tell people we find them interesting, funny, or delightful; explicitly naming these traits dramatically increases connection.
- •Verbal liking: comments like “This is so fun,” “I always love talking to you,” or “You’re really funny” serve as powerful, low-risk signals.
- •Nonverbal liking cues include triple nods, head tilts, leaning in, mm-hmm vocalizations, and warm laughter.
- •Research shows women prioritize humor in men; men prioritize women who laugh at their jokes, not necessarily those who generate them.
- •If you’re not naturally funny, you can still be a great passenger by laughing generously, table-banging, and curating excellent memes, clips, or GIFs.
- •Touch, used carefully—like high fives or small celebratory gestures—can reinforce warmth but must fit your natural ‘flavor’ and cultural context.
- 2:37:40 – 3:05:20
Micro-Expressions and Emotional Literacy: Reading Fear, Disgust, Anger, and More
Vanessa introduces the seven universal micro-expressions (fear, disgust, anger, happiness, sadness, surprise, contempt), explaining their evolutionary roots and how to spot them. She shows how misreading neutral faces can fuel social anxiety and how micro-expressions reveal hidden emotions, preferences, and even lies.
- •Fear: widened eyes with upper whites showing, raised brows, open mouth (gasps) to take in air and expand visual field; often appears around confusion or anxiety in meetings.
- •Disgust: nose crinkle with upper teeth exposed; appears not just with bad smells/tastes but also when someone hears or says something they dislike (including self-disgust while lying).
- •Anger: tense eyelids, pinched brows, tightened lips, jaw jut; in business, partial cues like chin juts signal brewing defensiveness or aggression that should be de-escalated.
- •Happiness: genuine smiles engage upper cheek muscles and create eye crinkles; fake smiles only move the mouth. Botox on smile lines can reduce both expression and felt happiness.
- •Sadness: downward mouth, puffed lower lip, drooped lids; it’s highly contagious and often calls for empathy or offered space rather than forced disclosure.
- •Surprise: wide eyes and open mouth, similar to fear but neutral valence; useful to distinguish true surprise (“I had no idea”) from fear (“I knew, but I’m worried”).
- •Contempt: one-sided mouth raise or smirk signaling superiority or scorn; in marriages, repeated contempt strongly predicts divorce, and in any relationship it must be addressed quickly.
- 3:05:20 – 3:40:00
Personality Science (OCEAN): Change, Compatibility, and Lifelong Singles
The discussion turns to personality traits—Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism—their genetic heritability, and how much change is realistic. Vanessa explains how certain trait combinations predict relationship issues, singlehood, and even lifespan, and offers strategic ways to compensate for less adaptive profiles.
- •OCEAN traits are 42–57% heritable, leaving ~30–40% for intentional change; you’re unlikely to go from extreme low to extreme high on any trait, but can shift toward medium.
- •Openness: high = curiosity, novelty-seeking, dopamine from new experiences; low = preference for tradition and routine; mismatched openness in couples leads to constant friction.
- •Conscientiousness: high = habits, organization, strong follow-through; low pairs in marriages correlate with more financial problems; high conscientiousness is strongly linked to success.
- •Extroversion: extroverts get energy from people; introverts from solitude; ambiverts can flex. High extroversion in leaders is associated with better outcomes but requires recovery time.
- •Agreeableness: high agreeables are people-pleasers who overcommit and struggle with boundaries; low agreeables default to no, often dream-kill ideas but can be valuable critical thinkers.
- •Neuroticism: high neurotics worry intensely and have slower serotonin responses, experiencing more prolonged negative states; low neurotics are emotionally stable and say “it’ll work out.”
- •Lifelong singles are often low in openness, low in extroversion, and low in conscientiousness, making it hard to meet people, try new contexts, or persist in social habits.
- •Vanessa suggests channeling strengths (e.g., hobbies like hiking, knitting, or extreme sports) as the context to meet people, so the activity fuels energy and socializing is a byproduct.
- 3:40:00 – 3:57:20
Hiring, Narcissism, and Using Personality in Love and Work
Vanessa and Steven explore how OCEAN profiles influence hiring, leadership, and detecting narcissism. They discuss trait patterns that suit different roles (e.g., CFO vs. salesperson), and how narcissists differ less by scores and more by their inability to admit downsides or compromise.
- •Leaders often mistakenly hire people with their same personality, creating homogenous teams with shared blind spots (e.g., high-openness teams with shiny-object syndrome).
- •Balance is key: a high-openness founder should seek lower-openness, high-conscientious teammates for operations and finance rather than fellow idea-chasers.
- •Narcissists tend to be higher in extroversion and lower in agreeableness and neuroticism, but the red flag is their relationship to traits: they see all of theirs as perfect and non-negotiable.
- •A healthier partner/colleague can describe where their traits help and where they create problems, and are willing to optimize/compromise rather than insisting on being right.
- •Handshake research shows people subconsciously smell their hand afterwards; some evidence suggests we ‘sniff out’ emotional states, reinforcing the idea that first-impression vibes are real and multi-sensory.
- 3:57:20 – 4:14:00
Longevity, Relationships, and the Cost of Worry
The conversation closes with the link between personality, social ties, and physical health. Vanessa describes how high conscientiousness and extroversion support longevity, how high neuroticism shortens life, and why investing in friendships is effectively stress insurance.
- •High conscientiousness predicts longer life due to consistent health habits (exercise, medication adherence, dental care, etc.).
- •High extroversion correlates with stronger social networks and more consistent oxytocin/serotonin boosts, which buffer stress and illness.
- •High neuroticism is associated with shorter lifespan because of chronic stress, anxiety, and depression; high neurotics literally feel negative events more intensely and for longer.
- •Social connection acts as an ‘insulator’ of stress; lonely people experience physiological stress more acutely and with greater health consequences.
- •Extroverts in one study displayed stronger immune markers, likely due to both greater pathogen exposure and more positive emotional experiences during social contact.
- •Vanessa is actively working to reduce her own neuroticism’s impact by increasing supportive relationships and challenging her belief that worrying prevents bad outcomes.
- 4:14:00
Service, Social Media, and Vanessa’s Reluctant Life as a Content Creator
In the closing tradition, Vanessa answers a question about daily service and admits that while she loves writing, she dislikes constant video content and marketing. She frames her daily social sharing not as self-promotion but as a service vehicle to reach those who benefit from her books and ideas.
- •Vanessa originally wanted to be ‘just’ a writer; when she started, authors mainly wrote books and did short tours—social daily marketing wasn’t expected.
- •Over time, the job of being an author has shifted: now a large portion is creating ongoing video and social content, which she doesn’t enjoy.
- •She continues to show up on video daily because it’s how she serves her audience and ensures her work reaches people, even if it’s not intrinsically fun for her.
- •Steven acknowledges the massive impact of her first appearance on the show—both on his audience metrics and on people’s lives—and praises her rare mix of rigor, articulation, challenge, and embraced ‘weirdness.’
