Vanessa Van Edwards: Why withholding liking costs friends

People form personality judgments within milliseconds of seeing you or your profile photo, and research finds these first impressions can be ~76% accurate for traits like extroversion and conscientiousness. Common mistakes—looking down at your phone (defeat posture), hiding your hands, avoiding eye contact—project low status or disinterest. Instead, use Vanessa’s “triple threat”: broad/open posture, visible hands, and early, direct eye contact to signal warmth and competence from the moment you’re seen.

In Vanessa’s live date experiments, participants were privately very attracted and interested, yet their faces, questions, and body language conveyed boredom or indifference. They dream-killed questions (“I don’t really go out much”), asked dead-end numerics (“How long have you been here?”) and refused to show warmth or enthusiasm. To avoid this, say explicitly positive things (“This is really fun,” “I’d love to see you again”), use self-touch and open posture to signal interest, and avoid hiding behind ‘busyness’ when you genuinely like someone.

Scripted openers (“How are you?” “What do you do?” “Where are you from?”) lead to bland, forgettable interactions. Vanessa recommends breaking the script with questions like “What’s been good today?” or “What are you looking forward to?” and answering “How are you?” with something playful or specific (e.g., “7 out of 10—been wrestling my inbox all morning”). Build a ‘story toolbox’ in your notes app—short, practiced stories/facts for recurring topics (weather, traffic, where you’re from) so common questions become springboards into engaging conversation.

Small visual tweaks dramatically change perceived warmth and competence. Head tilt, visible hands, genuine smile, and movement boost approachability; watches, glasses, conservative clothing, and neutral expressions boost perceived competence. Sunglasses block oxytocin-linked eye contact in photos and reduce trust. For professional roles where authority matters, dial up competence (less or softer smiling, structured pose); for dating, use ornaments and context (pets, hobbies) that polarize in your favor so “your people” can quickly self-select in and others out.

Your first impression on video is made the instant your camera turns on, not when you start talking—fumbling with audio or staring off-screen starts you in a chemical deficit. Vanessa suggests: camera on (at least at the start), lens 3+ feet away, your body angled toward the camera, and a pre-planned anecdote or question (“I just found the best taco in Austin—ever had a breakfast taco?”) to avoid dead air. Use backgrounds as conversation cues (books, objects) rather than fake/blurred backdrops, which unconsciously feel inauthentic and distract the viewer.