Jaackmaate: The Untold Story Of My Battle With Health Anxiety & OCD | E127

Jack’s volatile relationship with his alcoholic mother, witnessing unfair treatment of his father, and experiencing physical marks he had to hide at school all contributed to his desperate need for external validation. Becoming the class clown, then the ‘anti‑YouTuber’ online, were ways to gain control and approval he didn’t get at home. He now recognizes that feeling excluded—from school cliques or YouTube circles like the Sidemen—pushed him to attack what he secretly wanted to be part of.

Jack admits many of his commentary/call‑out videos were driven less by genuine conviction and more by views, money and audience expectation. When the natural targets ran out, he found himself hunting for flaws in people like Zoella or KSI just to feed the machine, turning on the camera, faking anger, and not even remembering what he’d said once he turned it off. Eventually he realized this mismatch between persona and true self made him hate what he was doing, leading him to pivot into more authentic interviewing and podcasting.

After years of saving with a singular focus on buying a house outright, Jack finally did it—and almost immediately lost motivation to upload to his main channel. Walking around the new home drunk one night, he realized the arrival felt strangely empty compared to the journey: going viral for the first time, landing first brand deals, or starting his podcast. He now sees that money can buy freedom and the ability to help others, but not a sense of direction; purpose has to be continually renewed.

Triggered by finding a lump in his teens and fearing cancer, Jack now estimates he convinces himself he has cancer 15–20 times a day. He can’t touch or look at certain parts of his body, avoids any cancer-related media, and experiences intrusive thought cycles especially at night. Past compulsions included kissing a photo of his grandad 13 times and repeating elaborate mental prayers. Despite encouraging others to seek help, he’s too terrified to see a doctor himself, believing a diagnosis would be “the end” for him, illustrating how the disorder sustains itself through avoidance.

Jack describes nights where he continues drinking long after others stop, not for fun but to keep intrusive thoughts at bay. Alcohol temporarily silences the obsessive health fears—his “shop shutters” come down—so he keeps drinking into the morning to avoid the mental onslaught that returns with sobriety. He recognizes this as a risky pattern that used to be worse, and although now less frequent, it highlights how easily coping can slide into dependency when underlying anxiety is untreated.