Susan Bratton: Why your sex life stalls after intercourse

Bratton explains that men can become erect in 1–2 minutes because of straight ‘blood chutes’ in the penis, but women have the same amount of erectile tissue distributed around the vulva and vagina (clitoral bulbs, legs, shaft, sponges). That tissue needs 15–30 minutes of touch and arousal to fully engorge. Rushed ‘grab a boob and stick it in’ intercourse leaves her effectively flaccid; prioritizing long, loving yoni massage, kissing, and body-stroking before penetration dramatically increases her ability to have orgasms from intercourse and enjoy sex.

The foreplay/sex split comes from a procreation-only, religious model where only penetration ‘counts’. Bratton urges couples to treat everything as sex: making out, words of appreciation, cuddling, oral, sex toys, filming yourselves, new locations, breast play, mutual masturbation. Removing the pressure that sex must equal penetration lowers anxiety, increases willingness to engage, and ironically leads to more—and better—intercourse because the focus shifts to shared pleasure and connection, not hitting a performance target.

For couples like Eliza and her husband who feel like ships passing in the night, Bratton recommends starting with holding each other, not with sex. Her ‘Sexual Soulmate Pact’ is an agreement that either partner can say anything about what they want or need, and it will be received as helpful guidance, not criticism. Men, especially, can ‘run a menu of small offers’ (e.g., “Can I just hold you?” “Would you like a back rub?” “No pressure for intercourse tonight, let me just take care of you”) to gently re-open intimacy without triggering guilt or performance anxiety.

Bratton frames good sex as an equation: half safety and security (trust, STI safety, emotional safety, reliability), half variety and novelty (new positions, locations, toys, fantasies, partners if consensually non-monogamous). If you only have safety, sex becomes boring; if you only have novelty, it can feel unsafe and destabilizing. Tools like a ‘sex life bucket list’ (48 erotic ideas ranked A/B/C), erotic playdates (trying one new thing without pressure), and toys (vibrating rings, lay-on clitoral toys, warming and inflating vibrators) give structured, low-stakes ways to introduce novelty.

Bratton describes how childhood sexual trauma led her to dissociate during sex—‘checking out’ emotionally while going through the motions physically. Healing involved both talk therapy (including fully recounting every sexual injustice to an empathetic witness) and somatic release. Many people carry repression, shame, or abuse that blunt libido and presence. She stresses that trauma can become a source of wisdom, but you must actively choose to address it; once she did, learning skills (tantra, orgasmic meditation, workshops) rapidly transformed her marriage.