Susan Bratton: Why your sex life stalls after intercourse

1. 0:00 – 2:04

   Intro

   1. SBSusan Bratton0:00

      (instrumental music plays) Nobody even knows there's over 20 kinds of orgasms that you can have. There's... Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. That's a one-and-done. But then there's... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, uh, oh. Oh, oh, oh (censored) . That's the queen of orgasms and to achieve that, there are very specific techniques that work, and it's not what you see on porn.

   2. SBSteven Bartlett0:30

      Dr. Susan Bratton is a world-renowned sex specialist and best-selling author of over 30 books and programs.

   3. NANarrator0:35

      And for over two decades, her expertise has empowered millions to master pleasuring techniques, bedroom communication, and unlock their true sexual potential.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett0:43

      Why did you focus on sex as a career?

   5. SBSusan Bratton0:45

      Well, I was 12 years into our marriage. We had a beautiful daughter, gorgeous home, but I never had an orgasm from intercourse, and we thought there was something wrong with me. But this is not unique. So many of us have had problems with sex. And once we got some skills, it just, pooh, lit our sex life on fire. So here are 48 of my best sex techniques. Number one... Number two, you have to... Number three, it's something that I love to teach men. And then there's these toys that I wanna show you.

   6. SBSteven Bartlett1:17

      What is that?

   7. SBSusan Bratton1:17

      This is a device that no one's ever seen before. (drum roll)

   8. SBSteven Bartlett1:21

      Wow.

   9. SBSusan Bratton1:22

      Doesn't that feel so good?

   10. SBSteven Bartlett1:23

       Susan, this is the first time we've ever done this. We reached out to some of our audience to send us their questions.

   11. SBSusan Bratton1:28

       Okay, let's unpack this. And let's start with... (music stops)

   12. SBSteven Bartlett1:32

       This has always blown my mind a little bit. 53% of you that listen to this show regularly haven't yet subscribed to this show. So could I ask you for a favor before we start? If you like this show and you like what we do here and you wanna support us, the free, simple way that you can do just that is by hitting the subscribe button. And my commitment to you is, if you do that, then I'll do everything in my power, me and my team, to make sure that this show is better for you every single week. We'll listen to your feedback, we'll find the guests that you want me to speak to, and we'll continue to do what we do. Thank you so much. (instrumental music plays)

2. 2:04 – 2:36

   What Do You Do and Why Do You Do It?

   1. SBSteven Bartlett2:04

      Susan, what do you do and why do you do it?

   2. SBSusan Bratton2:09

      Well, I teach passionate lovemaking techniques by publishing books and programs and audios, and, uh, I do it because my passion is passion. Uh, I like to say that, uh, my brand of sexual education is heart-connected, conscious, passionate lovemaking, which is very different than transactional sex or sex that looks like pornography.

3. 2:36 – 4:57

   Advice for Someone Struggling With Their Sex Life

   1. SBSteven Bartlett2:36

      If, if someone comes to you and they say, "I'm struggling with my sex life in some way," or, "I'm not at my sexual potential. What can you do for me?" How would you answer that question?

   2. SBSusan Bratton2:45

      Well, I'd say sex is such a vast landscape and people enter into it from so many different directions that often when someone is saying that their sex life isn't as good as they want it to be, I have to ask them, "What's it like? What do they want? What's the vision that they're holding for themselves?" And often, e- I recently had a young woman come to me and say, um, "All my friends talk about sex being so great, but I haven't experienced that, and I wonder if I'm asexual, because it's just not that good for me. It just seems like it's so fast and hurried, and, and I- I don't know. I just, I just don't... I'm worried. Maybe something's wrong with me." That's what wom- that's what women think a lot, is they think there's something wrong with them. But remember, I, I'm not a therapist, so I don't sit in a room with a client and unearth all of the issues that they have. What I do is I author passionate lovemaking techniques. I teach you how to have really good bedroom communication, how to know what you want and ask for it confidently, have your partner love for you to ask them for what you want, feel good about it, not like they did anything wrong, and then know a whole bunch of pleasuring techniques, how their bodies work, what w- what the possibilities are. Because if you're thinking about sexuality, because sex has been so censored, nobody even knows what's possible. If I say to someone, "You know, there's over 20 kinds of orgasms that you can have," they'll be like, "What?" And especially men. They don't e- they think there's one, maybe two. Uh, where women are like, "There's 20?" They are at least aware that there's more than one or two that they could have these different, you know, kinds of orgasms. And so once you understand the communication piece and you understand the pleasure piece, then you can understand what's possible, and then you can begin to try

4. 4:57 – 5:35

   Common Questions Women Ask About Sex

   1. SBSusan Bratton4:57

      things.

   2. SBSteven Bartlett4:58

      Okay, so you get an email into your inbox.

   3. SBSusan Bratton5:00

      Yeah.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett5:00

      And it's from a woman.

   5. SBSusan Bratton5:02

      Yeah.

   6. SBSteven Bartlett5:03

      If you had to bet-

   7. SBSusan Bratton5:04

      Yeah.

   8. SBSteven Bartlett5:05

      ... what that question in that email was-

   9. SBSusan Bratton5:07

      Mm-hmm.

   10. SBSteven Bartlett5:08

       ... and all you know that is that it's from a, a lady called Suzanne-

   11. SBSusan Bratton5:11

       Mm-hmm.

   12. SBSteven Bartlett5:11

       ... what would your guess be?

   13. SBSusan Bratton5:13

       "My libido is gone, and, um, I feel really guilty. I feel really bad. I'm not interested in sex." Or, "I... There's something wrong with me. I'm unhappy. I'm unfulfilled. I don't feel like what I'm doing is right." That's most common with women.

5. 5:35 – 6:27

   Common Questions Men Ask About Sex

   1. SBSusan Bratton5:35

   2. SBSteven Bartlett5:35

      And if the email came in from a guy called David-

   3. SBSusan Bratton5:37

      Mm-hmm.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett5:38

      ... what would you think is, before you click the email, what do you think he's asking you?

   5. SBSusan Bratton5:42

      Sexual biohacking, erectile dysfunction, penis enlargement, male enhancement, all of those kinds of things. Guys have, a lot of men ask me about, "I think there's something wrong with my penis." Uh, so that would be the number one thing that would be most likely to be in my inbox. But the second thing would be...... something around either "I h- I have some shame around part of my desire" or "I'm frustrated with my partner that I'm not having the kind of sex that I want. What do I do to fix it?" So, fixing, fixing things. People are writing for fixing things. Whethe- whether it's men or women, that's- that's what they reach out with, are- are problems.

6. 6:27 – 6:41

   Quality vs. Quantity in Relationships

   1. SBSusan Bratton6:27

   2. SBSteven Bartlett6:27

      Quality and quantity, or one more than the other?

   3. SBSusan Bratton6:30

      I would say quality, generally, more so than quo- quantity you can fix when you fix quality.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett6:36

      Mm-hmm.

   5. SBSusan Bratton6:36

      Right? Quantity- quality comes before quantity (laughs) .

   6. SBSteven Bartlett6:39

      Mm-hmm, that's true.

   7. SBSusan Bratton6:40

      Yeah.

7. 6:41 – 8:35

   Susan’s Journey to Becoming a Sexpert

   1. SBSusan Bratton6:41

   2. SBSteven Bartlett6:41

      You have a- a really atypical journey to becoming a sexpert. It's not something that you- you studied when you were younger in college or something-

   3. SBSusan Bratton6:47

      No.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett6:47

      ... it's not something that you, uh, it's not sort of a- an off-branch to some psychology degree you were doing.

   5. SBSusan Bratton6:52

      Mm-mm.

   6. SBSteven Bartlett6:52

      You became a sexpert at what age?

   7. SBSusan Bratton6:55

      42 is when I went on my sexual expansion journey, and started my company shortly after that.

   8. SBSteven Bartlett7:03

      Why sex? Why, in your early 40s-

   9. SBSusan Bratton7:06

      Mm-hmm.

   10. SBSteven Bartlett7:06

       ... did you decide to focus on sex, when previously your career had been about many other things?

   11. SBSusan Bratton7:11

       Mm-hmm.

   12. SBSteven Bartlett7:12

       Did something happen?

   13. SBSusan Bratton7:13

       Yeah, it did, right? I was married to Tim, my husband, Sir Tim. He's the prince among men. I've been with him for 33 years now. And we were 12 years into our marriage, we were a very successful Silicon Valley company. My husband invented Rhapsody, the first, th- like, the or- the OG Spotify. So we were both in high tech, having IPOs, doing incredibly well. We had a beautiful daughter, we had a gorgeous home overlooking the entire Silicon Valley. It was just incredible. But we had become platonic. Not from my husband's lack of trying to have sex with me, but I just, I don't know, I just ... I had sex with, with him for a dozen years and I never had an orgasm from intercourse. I could have an orgasm from a vibrator, but I couldn't have one from intercourse. And I'd had some sexual trauma as a child as well, which, honestly, the majority of people have had sexual trauma, whether it's simple repression or actual physical abuse of some kind. So many of us have had trouble, and not just women, men too. People across the spectrum have had, uh, you know, things happen to them. And w- (sighs) I avoided him for sex.

8. 8:35 – 9:52

   Lessons From Overcoming Sexual Trauma

   1. SBSusan Bratton8:35

   2. SBSteven Bartlett8:35

      What did your sexual trauma teach you about sex?

   3. SBSusan Bratton8:39

      Well, it taught me that I am who I've always been inside myself, and that no one can take away who I am, and my power, and my sovereignty. I've learned that one can move through and heal from trauma, and that it takes both talk therapy and empathy from someone as well as somatic release, physical body release, and that often, our greatest wound can become our greatest gift, which is what that trauma did for me.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett9:17

      The trauma itself-

   5. SBSusan Bratton9:18

      Mm-hmm.

   6. SBSteven Bartlett9:19

      ... what did that traumatic experience convince you that sex was or wasn't?

   7. SBSusan Bratton9:24

      I always liked sex and I refused to let that trauma hurt my sex life. But the problem was that I ended up doing something called dissociating during intimacy. And so if you kind of leave the scene emotionally and you're just there physically, you really don't get that thing, that heart connection. You don't find your humanity in your lover. You can't really touch source through your connection.

9. 9:52 – 12:38

   What Is Dissociation in Sexual Contexts?

   1. SBSusan Bratton9:52

   2. SBSteven Bartlett9:52

      M- can you explain that to me, dissociation? 'Cause I think-

   3. SBSusan Bratton9:54

      Yeah.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett9:55

      ... I've heard people-

   5. SBSusan Bratton9:56

      Mm-hmm.

   6. SBSteven Bartlett9:56

      ... tell me privately that that's the issue that they had in their sex life for many, many years w- that they were basically disassociated from it.

   7. SBSusan Bratton10:03

      Yeah.

   8. SBSteven Bartlett10:03

      What is that?

   9. SBSusan Bratton10:04

      It's where you kind of, uh, you just check out. You just, you're g- you go through the motions physically, but you're not emotionally there. It's protection against being hurt again. So once I learned that that's what I was doing, my husband would help me, Tim would help me come back to him, come back to him, come back to him. And then we started going to sex workshops. We went beyond therapy and we started going to sex workshops. And we learned how to have sex. And by sex, I don't necessarily just mean intercourse. We d- we learned all kinds of things. We went to tantra workshops. We went to sex, love, and intimacy from the Human Awareness Institute. We did ecstatic loving, we did orgasmic meditation. We did all kinds of things. And it just (imitates explosion) lit our sex life on fire once we got some skills. We were the blind leading the blind. Everybody's the blind leading the blind. Everybody. We don't see any good examples of heart-connected, passionate lovemaking. We don't see them in film, in the movies. We don't see them in pornography. All of that is male, patriarchal, religiously repressed styles of sex, rather than female-focused, heart-connected, r- blissful, slow, pleasurable sex, highly orgasmic sex. So I think what- what happened for us was we had such good sex so easily once someone told us what to do that we said, "Oh. Well, he's already sh- you know, s- sending MP3s all over the internet, and I'm already sending video all over the internet with cable modems. Why don't we bring all these courses online?" Because very few people are gonna go to a sex workshop. Number one, it costs money. Number two, you have to be able to do it. Number three, it's scary.It's really scary to take off all your clothes and go to a sex workshop and do hands-on techniques in a room full of sweaty people. You know? There's a lot to it, right? (laughs)

   10. SBSteven Bartlett12:17

       Mm-hmm.

   11. SBSusan Bratton12:17

       And so we said, "Why don't we put this on the internet?" 'Cause that's what we're good at. "Let's put programs on the internet that people can access from anywhere in the world and learn how to make love together, learn orgasm techniques, and communication skills, and pleasuring, how the body works in ways that will take them to places they never even imagined were possible."

10. 12:38 – 15:49

    Susan’s Personal Struggles With Her Sex Life

    1. SBSusan Bratton12:38

    2. SBSteven Bartlett12:38

       Zooming in on that moment where you and Tim are struggling in the bedroom-

    3. SBSusan Bratton12:41

       Yeah.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett12:41

       ... how long had it been since you, you'd had sex, or how often were you having sex at that point?

    5. SBSusan Bratton12:46

       Well, it petered out over time. So when we first met, we had great new relationship energy. We, we were having sex, but it was, it was the kind of sex that I would call these days, grab a boob and stick it in. Very intercourse focused.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett13:03

       (laughs) Grab a boob and stick it in.

    7. SBSusan Bratton13:04

       I know, exactly. Like... (laughs) And, you know, I love intercourse. I teach intercourse skills because what you see modeled is really... Oh, man, it's like kindergarten what you see out in the market, out in the world. And so how do you have this massively exquisitely orgasmic mutually pleasurable intercourse? You just need to learn a couple of things. That's the great thing about sex. It's like, have you ever heard that phrase, "A little hinge that swings a big door"? It's like, it's like an example of leverage, right? One little hinge and a giant door and it... How does that little hinge swing that giant door?

    8. SBSteven Bartlett13:54

       Mm-hmm.

    9. SBSusan Bratton13:54

       That's what sex actually is. If somebody tells you what to do, because, I mean, my operating system and your operating system are like everybody's operating systems, right? We, it, our... The human body works the way the human body does. And so women who are walking around going, "I'm broken. I can't have an orgasm from intercourse," and, and her husband's like, "Well, I guess you can't, but we're still gonna have intercourse anyway." (laughs) I say to them, "Yes, you can. You just need to learn how. You just need to cross the gasm chasm, close that orgasm gap."

    10. SBSteven Bartlett14:23

        Mm-hmm.

    11. SBSusan Bratton14:23

        And so if I can get more people to understand that if something isn't good, that they just haven't had it good yet, that's, I think, one of the biggest messages I can give to your audiences. Just keep learning. Keep learning new skills. But don't miss all the other things. I'll give you an example of something in sex that really chaps my lips, and that is this idea that there's foreplay and sex. That comes right out of religious repression because sex is for procreation only, so the only thing that matters is sex, and sex is intercourse. Heck, no. Sex is everything. Sex is a hot makeout. Sex is rubbing our bodies together. Sex is words of appreciation, adoration, encouragement. It's languorous kissing. It's stroking each other. It's oral pleasuring. It's intercourse. It's playing with toys. It's sex in new locations. It's, you know, filming yourselves and watching it while you're holding each other later and going, "Oh, you know what the best moment for me was?" "No, tell me." "The best moment for me was X, Y, Z." And you're like, "Are you ki-... That was your best moment?" "Yeah, what was your best moment?" "My best moment..." I mean, those are the things that make sex great, that make you want to have it again.

11. 15:49 – 17:34

    Are You Offering Mercy Sex?

    1. SBSusan Bratton15:49

    2. SBSteven Bartlett15:49

       In that moment when you and Tim hadn't had, been having sex, so you-

    3. SBSusan Bratton15:52

       Yeah.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett15:52

       ... your sex had completely dried up. What did you do?

    5. SBSusan Bratton15:53

       I really avoided him as much as I possibly could. I was giving him what I now call mercy sex.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett16:00

       Wha- what is that mercy sex?

    7. SBSusan Bratton16:02

       Well, it's like, "Well, he's gonna be a miserable man if I don't throw him a bone once in a while." You know-

    8. SBSteven Bartlett16:09

       And how often was once in a while?

    9. SBSusan Bratton16:10

       Oh, God, like, ah, a couple times a month at the worst. Yeah. And-

    10. SBSteven Bartlett16:16

        A couple times a month at the worst-

    11. SBSusan Bratton16:17

        Yeah.

    12. SBSteven Bartlett16:17

        ... so once every other week or what?

    13. SBSusan Bratton16:18

        Yeah. Like, every week or 10 days, I'd be like, "All right, I gotta do it again."

    14. SBSteven Bartlett16:22

        And how did you feel at the time about sex-

    15. SBSusan Bratton16:25

        I felt guilty. And he was like, "I wonder if I married a lesbian." Like, he, he just couldn't believe I didn't wanna have sex. (laughs)

    16. SBSteven Bartlett16:32

        But at the start of the relationship, you did.

    17. SBSusan Bratton16:33

        Yeah.

    18. SBSteven Bartlett16:33

        Or you were just kind of-

    19. SBSusan Bratton16:35

        The problem is the new relationship energy wears off, and when you have absolutely no skill, (laughs) neither of you know what you're doing, and it's not good for her, how long is she gonna wanna keep doing it? You know what's funny? I have... One of the programs that I wrote really early on is a program called Revive Her Drive, and it's a sneaky little name because guys will buy it, and I say to them, "This program won't help you if sex has never been good. You need a therapist. But if sex used to be good and now it's not, you can fix it." And so they buy it thinking they're gonna revive her drive, they're gonna fix her. And when the... And then they're like, "Ooh, you sneaky little devil. You fixed me. It was me. I just was treating... I was, like, trying to have sex with my wife like she's a dude, and now I understand what, what, what her body wants, and now I know what she needs from me, and, and she loves sex now." So that is very, very

12. 17:34 – 20:34

    Steps to Healing Sexual Trauma

    1. SBSusan Bratton17:34

       common.

    2. SBSteven Bartlett17:34

       But you had to fix your trauma as well in your situation.

    3. SBSusan Bratton17:37

       I did.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett17:38

       And how did you go about fixing that?

    5. SBSusan Bratton17:40

       I, I did a number of things. Um, the first thing that I did was I worked with a, a sexual trauma therapist.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett17:45

       Mm-hmm.

    7. SBSusan Bratton17:46

       And I also worked with someone who does more of a, a little bit of a different method called the circling method, and I, uh, also worked with some somatic therapists over the years. It was pretty quick for me. I'm very lucky, and, and I don't wanna, I don't wanna say that it's as easy for other people as it is for me. I'm a, I'm a fast...... changer. I have a lot of behavioral flexibility, and I'm very comfortable in discomfort. I'm very comfortable crossing a chasm, very comfortable in uncertainty. I think because I grew up in Silicon Valley, w- my career in, in the, in my 20s and 30s was Silicon Valley, and it's always changing. It's always like, you know, "Oh, we're doing this now." You know? It's always a... So, and also, a lot of people have trouble because of their genetic SNPs, because they have serotonin pathways where when they've experienced trauma, every time they think about it, it feels like a raw wound. They can't get over it because every time they think about it, it's like it's a fresh cut. Not, that's not me. So I was able to move through things, and mostly what helped me was being able to say... I remember one of the, one of the things I had to do was I had to write down every single sexual trauma, injustice, frustration, wound, hurt, pain that I'd ever experienced. And I thought, "Oh, this is really gonna make me sick." (laughs) And my therapist said, "It won't. It won't, don't worry, just get it out. I want you to come back on our next appointment, and I want you to tell me every single thing. I wanna witness it. I wanna know what you've been through. I want you to remember it all, and we're gonna put it behind you." And that was very, very helpful for me. Finally, someone heard everything that I had gone through and all the things that had been done to me, and all the injustices that had happened to me, and it really helped me move through it. But not, that's not the right therapy for any- everyone. People need different types of therapy. And remember, I'm not a therapist, so what I do is I deal in the, "How do you have hot sex?" Not in the, "Let me fix your problem." I had to fix my problems to learn about it. But once I did, I was like, "Tell, I wanna know all about how to have the best sex that keeps getting better. What does that take?" And that's been my decades of study.

13. 20:34 – 21:41

    Identifying Problems in Your Relationship

    1. SBSusan Bratton20:34

    2. SBSteven Bartlett20:34

       How did you know you had a problem? And how did you know you had something that needed to be healed? And you, and it wasn't just that, you know, Tim's a little bit... I'm not, just not attracted to Tim anymore, or maybe I just don't like sex. How did you know... How did you have the awareness to even go to a therapist?

    3. SBSusan Bratton20:54

       Because we thought there was something wrong with me. And so we went to a therapist, and she said, "Okay, well, tell me what, what your sex is like." And I started telling her, and she said, "Okay. Let's unwind this. Let's unpack this. Let's heal all of this."

    4. SBSteven Bartlett21:11

       And how did you get to the point that you knew that the trauma was at the heart of many of these ch- challenges?

    5. SBSusan Bratton21:17

       All she had to do was ask me what my sex life had been like and what I'd gone through, and I told her all the injustices and the horrible things that had happened to me, which are not unique. I, the thing about me is that I'm pretty much just like everybody else. I'm not special in any way. The only thing that's special about me is that I have the courage to talk about things that a lot of people don't. They feel embarrassed. That's just my... I don't know.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett21:40

       When

14. 21:41 – 24:15

    Exploring Sex Injustice and Trauma

    1. SBSteven Bartlett21:41

       you say sexual injustice-

    2. SBSusan Bratton21:42

       Mm-hmm.

    3. SBSteven Bartlett21:43

       ... and trauma-

    4. SBSusan Bratton21:43

       Mm-hmm.

    5. SBSteven Bartlett21:44

       ... give me a g- give me a menu of things that someone at home who's trying to understand if those things might have had an impact on their sex drive.

    6. SBSusan Bratton21:51

       Sure. It can be anything from, um, n- never knowing how your parts work or what the names of them are or understanding how your body works. It could be, uh, that you, that sex is bad, or, uh, shaming. It could be, uh, and this is something that many people struggle with, and that is, "My parents never told me about sex, and they never showed that they were sexual. I feel like I came from a very stoic, uh, repressed family, and it's impacted my sex life." And one of the things that I often have to say to people is, "Your mom and your dad did the best they could do. They didn't know anything. They were probably kids themselves, and they loved you. They just weren't equipped to help you with this. Not only that, but it's not really their job. Your sexuality and your sex life is your job. And when you take it on as something that's a part of what you have to learn, like the things you do for your career, or the things that you do to support your family, and when you put it in that bucket, and you let go of the victim mindset and the victim mentality, and you say, 'Okay, what do I need to do? What is right? What is possible?' Then you get into the fun parts. You can mo- move through the trauma." So it could be abuse, it could be repression, it could be shame, it could be lack of knowledge. Which cr- lack of knowledge creates fear. Fear is the enemy of pleasure. So once you start teaching people about their bodies, about pleasure, but we know that there's nature and there's nurture around sexuality too. The nature is how my parts work versus your parts work, and I'd really like to talk to you about that because I think that's one of those little hinges that swings big doors. Once you start to understand the difference between male and female arousal, you can begin to have much better sex together, because when you don't understand, you're doing... You know, you know the golden rule, do unto others as you'd have them do unto you.

    7. SBSteven Bartlett24:06

       Mm-hmm.

    8. SBSusan Bratton24:06

       That's what most people do in sex. They treat their partner the way they wanna be treated instead of treating their partner the way their partner needs to be treated. That's the platinum rule.

15. 24:15 – 28:46

    Affair in Susan’s Marriage: A Discussion

    1. SBSteven Bartlett24:15

       So we've just got two more questions on this point before we move on to some of these real specific things we've been-

    2. SBSusan Bratton24:19

       Sure.

    3. SBSteven Bartlett24:20

       ... talking about. I read that Tim cheated on you at the time.

    4. SBSusan Bratton24:22

       Yeah.

    5. SBSteven Bartlett24:22

       He was having an affair.

    6. SBSusan Bratton24:23

       I don't even like that word.

    7. SBSteven Bartlett24:26

       Really?

    8. SBSusan Bratton24:26

       No. Because I actually, I remember when I found out that Tim was, uh, having a relationship with a woman who was also in a sexless marriage, and we were in what was basically a sexless marriage at the time.

    9. SBSteven Bartlett24:41

       How did you find out?

    10. SBSusan Bratton24:42

        He told me. He came clean, and he told me, and I remember the shame, and I felt like it was my fault, that I'd not been a good wife. When I look back at it, what I realized was that he was just trying to cope. He loved me, and he loved our family, and he, he just wanted to feel pleasure and connection, and he wasn't getting that from me. And for some reason, it is just easier for women to give up their sexuality than for men generally. I wanna say one thing about everything I'm gonna say on your show, and that is that sex is a bell curve. There are people at one end of the spectrum and the other, but I'm almost always just talking to the big bell curve in the middle, the average dude and his lady. That's, that's where my sweet spot is. So when he, when he was having that affair, all he was trying to do was stay (laughs) in the marriage and not be miserable, and once I got right with that and I realized he didn't do anything to me, and I didn't even look at it, I don't even look at it as cheating. I literally look at it as that man was still trying to stay married to me. He loved me. And so it was, it was our mutual problem, which was a lack of knowledge. He didn't understand how my body worked. I didn't understand how my body worked. Once we learned that, we learned technique, and I was able to stay present and connected with him and not leave my body in worry that something bad was gonna happen, when it started to be pleasurable instead of me just servicing my husband-

    11. SBSteven Bartlett26:25

        Did you separate when he told you that, or did you stay together?

    12. SBSusan Bratton26:28

        Well, (sighs) there was a moment where, in the beginning, when he told me that he was seeing someone else, I thought, "Maybe it's best that we stop being together." And I remember that he had packed up his things and he was driving out of our house, and I was standing at the doorway of my big, beautiful Silicon Valley mansion in the height of my career. My little daughter, our little daughter was standing there, six years old, and she had this little blankie that she loved. You know how kids love their blankies. And she had, it had this little soft satin border on it, and she would rub it on her lip to kind of soothe herself, and she was holding my hand and she was rubbing that blanket on her lip, and daddy drove around to the side, to the front of the house, and he stopped and he was looking out the window and he was waving goodbye, and she said, "But..." (laughs) This gets me every time I do, every time I even think about this moment in my life. She's like, (sighs) "But will you still be my daddy?" And I was like, "Oh, what am I doing? I love this guy. How did we get here? I can't ruin her. I can't r-" I could never do better than Sir Tim. I could never do better than him. He's an amazing human being. My God, Steven, he's been the wind beneath my wings, my, for more than half my life. I've known him for longer than I haven't now. He's the solid, you know, person I sit on top of that get, allows me to be out here in the world giving people hope and instructions on how to have what I have, which is amazing. And so when I, when she said that, I said, "Turn around, come back, we gotta fix it." And I had seen all of our friends were getting divorced, and it wasn't money 'cause we were all making money. It was Silicon Valley in the dot-com era. And, uh... (laughs) So h- he came back, and we said, "What are we gonna do about it?" And we started therapy, and then we started going to sex workshops, and within, I mean, months, it sorted itself out and we started having great sex.

16. 28:46 – 31:20

    Understanding Non-Monogamy

    1. SBSusan Bratton28:46

    2. SBSteven Bartlett28:46

       Did your sex life change in terms of the dynamics of it? D- are you in a m- monogamous relationship?

    3. SBSusan Bratton28:53

       We were in a monogamous relationship for many years, but we opened our relationship, when we got really good in bed together, we were like, "Hey, this is so much fun. Let's have some sex with some other people." (laughs) And so we did. (laughs) And it was not without its challenges. It's never without its challenges when you, you know, when you go beyond the scope of monogamy, but, um, (clears throat) I don't regret any of it, even the bad parts.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett29:22

       And what is that called? 'Cause there's all these names for different relationship-

    5. SBSusan Bratton29:25

       Yeah.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett29:25

       ... dynamics. Do you have a name for it?

    7. SBSusan Bratton29:26

       Yeah. (laughs) Well, the, if you think about it as a tree-

    8. SBSteven Bartlett29:30

       Yeah.

    9. SBSusan Bratton29:30

       ... there's, it's, non-monogamy is the tree. It could be called ethical non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy. There's, there's polyamory, there's open relationships, there's lifestyles, and swingers, and the pineapple people. There's, you know, all kinds of things, and then there's my latest favorite flavor, which is, uh, kind of a new flavor, and that is, because I've, I've been in an open relationship with my husband for over two decades now. So for 20 years, 20 out of 33 years, we've been open longer than we've been closed, and we were shepherded by people who are, uh, now in their 70s and 80s who are still in their open relationships, and they taught us a lot about what to do to keep ourselves safe, both physically and emotionally, which is something interesting.... and the one that I'm enjoying right now is relationship anarchy. (laughs)

    10. SBSteven Bartlett30:22

        That's what you call it?

    11. SBSusan Bratton30:23

        Well, that's what people call, some, some people call it that and I... And that's one of the fla- that's one of the branches on the tree of non-monogamy. (clears throat) And the thing that I wanna say about non-monogamy, whatever flavor you like, is that... Two things, number one, I'm not here to tell anyone that what I do is better than what they do. I am not a polyamorous proponent or any of those things. It's just what I do. But Steve, I mean, I'm a sexpert. I'm st- I stand up here telling you that I can teach you how to be better in bed than you are. If I only had one partner, how much could I know? Every single partner I've ever had, I've had them safely using safe sex techniques, which I'd love to explain to you, and I've had so many incredible experiences.

17. 31:20 – 34:02

    How to Start Conversations About Sex With Your Partner

    1. SBSusan Bratton31:20

    2. SBSteven Bartlett31:20

       Who initiates that conversation in your relationship?

    3. SBSusan Bratton31:23

       Hmm.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett31:23

       'Cause I think this is m- the first challenge in most relationships is figuring out, like, how do you go about having that conversation with someone without them butting your head off potentially?

    5. SBSusan Bratton31:31

       Well, here's an interesting thing. One of the things that really helped us save our marriage, at the time that we went to the therapists and we went to the sex workshops, we did another thing. We did, uh... M- one of our friends, um, wa- uh, w- was a coach for Brad Blanton and he wrote a book called Radical Honesty, and we said, Tim and I said, "Look, we just have to be totally honest with each other. We've been pussy-footing, sugarcoating, withholding, you know, uh, for 12 years now, 14 years. We've got to be honest if we're gonna save our marriage." And so we started the practice of telling the truth because, my God, when you start actually trying to tell the truth, you realize how societally im- embedded not telling the truth is.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett32:24

       What was the most painful truth he told you?

    7. SBSusan Bratton32:30

       Mm-mm... Maybe just the one that he, that he was with someone else might've been the worst one and I felt so much shame about that, like I'd done something wrong, but nothing. It turns out that truth is juicy, exciting, interesting.

    8. SBSteven Bartlett32:47

       Offensive?

    9. SBSusan Bratton32:48

       No.

    10. SBSteven Bartlett32:48

        No?

    11. SBSusan Bratton32:49

        No.

    12. SBSteven Bartlett32:50

        (laughs)

    13. SBSusan Bratton32:50

        Because if it's said with love, if thing, if honest- honesty doesn't have to be mean. Honesty is just your truth, your boundaries, your desires, your, your foibles, your, you know...

    14. SBSteven Bartlett33:03

        What's, what's the most offensive tru- like, someone tu- someone turns to... My partner turns to me and goes, "Listen, y- you, you are out of shape and I'm just not feeling it."

    15. SBSusan Bratton33:12

        Yeah. Well-

    16. SBSteven Bartlett33:13

        Offensive.

    17. SBSusan Bratton33:13

        ... why wouldn't your partner turn to you and say, "First of all, you're not. You're absolutely gorgeous."

    18. SBSteven Bartlett33:17

        Oh, thank you.

    19. SBSusan Bratton33:17

        "But if in fact you feel like your partner is, is not taking care of themselves," um, it would be more kind to say, "I'm worried about your health. I don't think you're taking care of yourself well enough and I love you and I want you to do a better job. How can I support you?" You know what? You can love me more fully if you know exactly who I am and where my boundaries and edges are and, and you get to honor and respect those. Then you know you're loving me exactly the way I want you to love me.

    20. SBSteven Bartlett33:52

        Or I can decide I don't love you, I guess.

    21. SBSusan Bratton33:53

        Yeah, you could decide you don't love me. Yeah, that's okay. Hey, I'm not for everyone and I'm okay with that too.

18. 34:02 – 36:20

    Becoming Polyamorous: Susan’s Story

    1. SBSusan Bratton34:02

    2. SBSteven Bartlett34:02

       So how did you come to be polyamorous?

    3. SBSusan Bratton34:05

       Polyamorous, right. Um, well, we started to have experiences with people. S- you didn't

    4. NANarrator34:12

       (laughs)

    5. SBSteven Bartlett34:12

       Was it your idea or his idea?

    6. SBSusan Bratton34:14

       It was our mutual idea because we had gone to workshops where we had experienced light with groups of people. Like, I remember one time I was at a workshop and there were four of us paired together and Tim was in a different group and we were doing, like, sensation play where one person would lie down and receive sensation and the other three people would give it to them. And at the same time that they were giving them sensation, like, oh, rubbing your feet, playing with your boobs, you know, whatever, kissing or stroking your hair, whatever, and then they would also give you an angel shower. They would tell... All at the same time, they would tell you things they loved about you, things that they thought were really attractive about you or things that they'd noticed about you. And when you get an angel shower from a group of people, you, you can't negate it. It goes in because there's so much kindness coming at you that you're defenseless against it, and so you kind of take it in instead of going, "Oh, no, no. That's not true. That's not true." That's what people are taught to do. It's like... One of my favorite games that I like to teach people is a game called Three Things I Love About You. And Tim and I have been playing it for decades now and whenever I want, I say to him, "Can you tell me three things that you love about me?" And I particularly like it when we start our lovemaking dates because I notice that I, I really need that reassurance that I'm loved and appreciated, and so I'll want him to tell me three things that he loves about me and we have this little pa- The little part of our game is never say the same thing twice. So for decades, we've been telling each other what we love about each other and not repeating things.

    7. SBSteven Bartlett36:01

       Mm-hmm.

    8. SBSusan Bratton36:02

       And when you really start to get good at offering up love and noticing what you love about someone, um, you just... You're in love more. You're just in love with-

    9. SBSteven Bartlett36:16

       It's true.

    10. SBSusan Bratton36:16

        ... people more. You're in love instead of in judgment.

19. 36:20 – 42:07

    First Question From the Audience

    1. SBSteven Bartlett36:20

       We reached out to some of our audience ahead of this conversation.

    2. SBSusan Bratton36:22

       Mm-hmm.

    3. SBSteven Bartlett36:22

       And we asked them to send us their questions.

    4. SBSusan Bratton36:26

       Okay.

    5. SBSteven Bartlett36:27

       And then my team-

    6. SBSusan Bratton36:28

       Mm-hmm.

    7. SBSteven Bartlett36:28

       ... sat down with some of these individuals, we masked them through using some actors, um, and got them to say, we got them to talk about some of the problems they have in their lives.

    8. SBSusan Bratton36:39

       Mm-hmm.

    9. SBSteven Bartlett36:39

       This is the first time we've ever done this. So I wanted to play to you some of the challenges that they have, especially, I'm gonna play one that kind of overlaps with the experience you went through with Tim.

    10. SBSusan Bratton36:49

        Yeah.

    11. G(Guest questioner (Eliza)36:50

        My name is Eliza. I, um, I'm in my 40s, I'm a mother of two lovely little girls. And a big question I have is how can I find that intimacy again with someone that has j- just been so disconnected?

    12. SBSusan Bratton37:17

        So is she saying that her partner is disconnected and she wants to find her way back to intimacy with her partner?

    13. SBSteven Bartlett37:23

        I'm gonna play you a few more from Eliza, because I think this'll help sort of, uh, fill the jigsaw puzzle-

    14. SBSusan Bratton37:29

        Okay.

    15. SBSteven Bartlett37:29

        ... a little bit. Um, there's another one here.

    16. G(Guest questioner (Eliza)37:35

        Work, um, doctor's appointments, and yeah, we get very little time together, the two of us. And I think it's really easy to just pass like ships in the night, and it'd be nice to have a conversation that wasn't about what's for dinner or, you know, what the kids have going on the next day. I really miss having real conversations. I don't remember the last time we had one.

    17. SBSteven Bartlett38:16

        Is that a familiar situation?

    18. SBSusan Bratton38:18

        Yeah. Especially during the time of children raising. Um, you think about your sexuality in eras. Generally, your, your 20s, you don't know nothing from nothing and it's all new and exciting, and you know, you're just finding out what it's like and experimenting. In your 30s, you're, if you're going to have your children, that's typically when most people are having them now, and, um, you know, all of a sudden you have no sleep, you're exhausted, those kids are just like, "Ha-ha!" Draining you and you can barely keep up, and your relationship heads south, your sexual relationship heads south. Um, by the time you're in your 40s, you're like, "Wait a minute, I've gotta fight for my sex life now. I mean, like, I can't let it go." You begin to realize that you've missed a lot and you want more. In your 50s, you think to yourself, "Well, I better get it now 'cause I'm gonna get old and die." (laughs) In, in your 60s you go, "Oh, I'm still, (laughs) I'm still alive and I did get some good sex and I, it is really good and I'm looking forward to my 70s and my 80s too." You know? And so... (laughs) If you keep your body in good shape.

    19. SBSteven Bartlett39:35

        I mean, that's quite a pertinent point because one of the things Eliza said-

    20. SBSusan Bratton39:39

        Yeah.

    21. SBSteven Bartlett39:40

        ... is this.

    22. G(Guest questioner (Eliza)39:41

        I think one thing that I wasn't prepared for at all was how much my body was going to change. I mean, everything changed. Like my... I, it got to the point where I didn't recogni- I don't recognize my own body anymore. I don't feel comfortable. My body doesn't feel like it's mine. And I've really fallen out of love with me and with my body.

    23. SBSusan Bratton40:24

        Estrogen is a molecule, a hormone of protection. Because women are prey and men are predators in the general scheme of things, we have to be very, very careful. And so estrogen protects us in many, many ways, and one of the ways that it does is it makes us judgmental, makes us judgey. And one of the ways that spills over is that we become judgey about ourselves, and we become very judgey about our bodies. We have body image issues that we fight against. And she's sh- Eliza is probably (laughs) beautiful, but she doesn't think she is. She thinks that she doesn't look good anymore, and then she thinks that makes her less desirable. Her husband likely is working very hard and kind of has thrown himself into work, and he, he's probably in overwhelm as well trying to do all of this, and he feels disconnected from her. And so he's probably feeling pretty lost and he doesn't know how to get back to her either. He doesn't have the skills to do that. And one of the things that I often say to women especially is that sex is a mindfulness practice. You just have to keep bringing yourself back to connection, to your heart. You have to bring yourself back to your husband. Nobody cares what your body looks like. It's a, it's your, it's your cell bag. You got 72 trillion cells, there they are, take good care of them, you got s- only so much time, enjoy your life. When you're stressed and you're producing cortisol and adrenaline and you're exhausted, this is when you need to say, "Oh, I really need to have some good orgasms. I really need to be held by my husband."

20. 42:07 – 43:01

    Overcoming Body Image Issues in Relationships

    1. SBSusan Bratton42:07

    2. SBSteven Bartlett42:07

       On these body image issues, is it usually the person saying they're unhappy with their own body, or is it the partner saying they're unhappy with their partner's body?

    3. SBSusan Bratton42:16

       It's almost always the woman saying she doesn't think she looks good, and I would say the large majority of the partners say...She looks great to me. I picked her 'cause I like the way she looked. She still looks good to me.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett42:28

       Is it ever the guy saying he doesn't like how he looks?

    5. SBSusan Bratton42:31

       Not that often. Because testosterone has rose-colored lenses. Testosterone makes you the warrior, the single-minded focus. You know how if a guy is doing something, you can't interrupt him with another thing 'cause he's on the task? And women are multitaskers, their eyes, their eyes and ears are on everything? That's the difference between testosterone and estrogen. And so, he thinks he looks better than he does, and she thinks she looks worse than she does.

21. 43:01 – 46:47

    Reconnecting With Your Partner: Two Proven Techniques

    1. SBSusan Bratton43:01

    2. SBSteven Bartlett43:01

       If they now feel like two ships passing in the night-

    3. SBSusan Bratton43:04

       Mm-hmm.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett43:04

       ... as Eliza said in that video-

    5. SBSusan Bratton43:05

       Yeah.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett43:06

       ... what is step one?

    7. SBSusan Bratton43:08

       Yeah. Step one is often just holding each other. One of the techniques, there, I have these two techniques that come from one of my books. One of my most popular books is a book called, um, Sexual Soulmates. Because sexual soulmates are not out there waiting for you. You co-create your connection with your partner. And even if you've lost that connection, you could have many renaissance in your relationship throughout the years. You can come back together and it could be better than ever again. And there are two techniques out of that book that I think are kind of like a foundation. One of them is called the Sexual Soulmate Pact. And that pact is an agreement between partners where I can say anything I want to you, and you're gonna be happy I told you, and you're not gonna take it as criticism or you did anything wrong. You're gonna be hungry for me to tell you what I have an appetite for, what I want, how I'm feeling. Am I a kitty cat? Do you need to hold me in your arms? Do you need to pet me? Do you need to let me release and calm down and get some things off my chest? Do you just need to provide that holding? Or am I a lioness? Do I want you to ravish me? Do I wanna be pounced on? Do you want, I want you to carry me to the bedroom and throw me down on the bed and rip my clothes off and tell me how gorgeous I am and eat me up? We want those things in that range all the time, but what couples forget is to start with holding and being held, because when we do that, we generate oxytocin, and the oxytocin is kind of like the antidote to all the cortisol we're pumping out constantly with the kids and the school and the stress and the job and the politics and the, you know, ev- all this crazy stuff. We need to be held and to hold.

    8. SBSteven Bartlett45:08

       So step one then is have the conversation, and step two is to just hold, essentially, hold each other.

    9. SBSusan Bratton45:16

       You don't even need to have a conversation. You can just go crawl into your partner's arms and say... And this is something that I love to teach men. I love to teach men how to run a woman a menu of small offers. So the problem is that they're both feeling... Eliza and her husband are likely both, they're dissatisfied, they feel disconnected.

    10. SBSteven Bartlett45:35

        They're not speaking about it.

    11. SBSusan Bratton45:36

        They're not speaking about it, and she feels like, "We should be having sex, but we're not," right? It's the shou- "I should be having s-" And what is sex? Intercourse. Well, she's not turned on. She hasn't had sex in God knows how long. She's not ready to be penetrated (laughs) . You know, she needs to get warmed up. You know, it's very, very slow, the female arousal system. And it takes 15, 20, 30 minutes when it's been a long time between lovemaking sessions to get outta your head, into your body, calmed down. Because arousal, it's not, "I'm gonna push your buttons and I'm gonna spin your dials," which is what guys try to do. They're like, "I've got a goal. I gotta give her an orgasm. Let's go. I'm full speed ahead." Where in reality it's, "Oh, I need to hold her. I need to grab her up in my big, muscly arms, and I need to just let her calm down and (breathes deeply) relax." Remember what she loved about you, and how much she loves you, and how, how good you smell, and how good you feel, and how safe she feels right in this moment.

22. 46:47 – 48:53

    How Comparisons Hurt Intimacy in Relationships

    1. SBSusan Bratton46:47

    2. SBSteven Bartlett46:47

       You used the word should. Should is such a-

    3. SBSusan Bratton46:50

       What did I say?

    4. SBSteven Bartlett46:51

       ... corrosive... When you were saying, "We should be having..."

    5. SBSusan Bratton46:54

       Right.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett46:56

       How often, how much harm do you think should does? As in, when I say should, I really mean it's a social comparison. It's like an external comparison. I've watched this movie.

    7. SBSusan Bratton47:04

       Yeah.

    8. SBSteven Bartlett47:04

       I spoke to my friend. They're doing it this often. They're doing it like this, so we should be doing it like them.

    9. SBSusan Bratton47:10

       Mm-hmm.

    10. SBSteven Bartlett47:10

        How much harm do you think that does?

    11. SBSusan Bratton47:12

        Tons.

    12. SBSteven Bartlett47:12

        'Cause I've seen it in all my relationships. I've seen-

    13. SBSusan Bratton47:14

        Guilt, guilt, guilt.

    14. SBSteven Bartlett47:15

        Yeah. Like, the, the comparison to other people who are just not you-

    15. SBSusan Bratton47:18

        Yeah.

    16. SBSteven Bartlett47:19

        ... it can do so much harm. And I, I think in my current relationship, we've basically banned comparison. So we've banned-

    17. SBSusan Bratton47:25

        Mm-hmm. Good.

    18. SBSteven Bartlett47:25

        ... each other speaking about our unmet needs through the lens of other people or our past relationships.

    19. SBSusan Bratton47:31

        Good.

    20. SBSteven Bartlett47:31

        And I think it really helps.

    21. SBSusan Bratton47:32

        Yeah.

    22. SBSteven Bartlett47:33

        You know?

    23. SBSusan Bratton47:33

        I do too. I think that if Eliza stopped feeling guilty and said, "Okay, I just, I'm just gonna start small," and if her husband, if she said to her husband, "I just wanna start small again. I just wanna... Let's crawl (laughs) and then walk and then run back to lovemaking when we can. Let's acknowledge that we're in the time of our relationship when the kids make it really hard. Let's acknowledge that we want to have more intimacy together, and let's start with small offers." And then if he starts saying to her, "How about Thursday night, I bring home some Chinese? We get the kids in the bath. We get 'em in bed. We divide and conquer. We put 'em down. I'll go in, take a quick shower. I'll set up the bedroom. I'll set up the nest. I'll light a candle. I'll lay out some fresh towels. I'll get your favorite lube. I'll put on the sexy playlist that you like, and all I want you to do is relax. There's no pressure to do..."... anything. I won't be mad if we don't have intercourse. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna hold you, I'm gonna get my hands on you. I'm gonna rub whatever hurts. I'm gonna tell you how much I love you. I'm gonna snuggle you. I might kiss you if you wanna kiss me. We'll see how it goes. No

23. 48:53 – 50:30

    Why There Shouldn’t Be Pressure Around Sex

    1. SBSusan Bratton48:53

       pressure.

    2. SBSteven Bartlett48:53

       Why? Why no pressure?

    3. SBSusan Bratton48:56

       Because if she has pressure, then she's going to feel stressed. And if she feels stressed, she can't get into arousal. As soon as you take the pressure off and let her just see what happens, then her body will go into arousal, and connection, and feel safe and relaxed, and she'll start to let down and get that turn-on going.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett49:24

       I- I guess the starting point then, as you said, is the communication part, right? Because that, you can't even get to that point if you're in a situation... I've been in a situation once in my sexual history where it was so awkward that, like it just gets com- it, the awkwardness just compounds where you're not even speaking about something-

    5. SBSusan Bratton49:42

       Yeah.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett49:43

       ... and so you're getting in bed-

    7. SBSusan Bratton49:44

       It's a hot potato.

    8. SBSteven Bartlett49:45

       ... you're both just kind of like laying in silence-

    9. SBSusan Bratton49:47

       Mm-hmm.

    10. SBSteven Bartlett49:47

        ... and "Oh my god, he's thinking about it and I'm thinking about it."

    11. SBSusan Bratton49:49

        Right.

    12. G(Guest questioner (Eliza)49:49

        "I hope he doesn't ask."

    13. SBSteven Bartlett49:50

        And she's thinking about it.

    14. SBSusan Bratton49:50

        Yeah.

    15. SBSteven Bartlett49:50

        And I hope he doesn't ask and I'll pretend to sleep.

    16. SBSusan Bratton49:52

        Mm-hmm.

    17. SBSteven Bartlett49:52

        And all of that stuff, I've been there.

    18. SBSusan Bratton49:54

        Yeah.

    19. SBSteven Bartlett49:54

        Um, and really what broke it was the two things you said. The first thing was you gotta talk about it, and the second thing was removing the pressure-

    20. SBSusan Bratton50:02

        Right.

    21. SBSteven Bartlett50:02

        ... and the blame-

    22. SBSusan Bratton50:03

        Yeah.

    23. SBSteven Bartlett50:03

        ... and the judgment.

    24. SBSusan Bratton50:04

        Yeah.

    25. SBSteven Bartlett50:05

        And if you can get there... And I think much of the reason why people don't wanna talk about it sometimes is because they're, they might have a little bit of a risk that if they're honest about how they're feeling, then the other, th- the other person might leave, or they might be mad, or they, they might not hang around long enough for you to fix it together.

    26. SBSusan Bratton50:22

        Mm-hmm.

    27. SBSteven Bartlett50:23

        You know? And also, you don't know how to fix it, so it's difficult sometimes in life to say, "I've got a problem, but I have no idea what the solution is."

24. 50:30 – 54:25

    Exploring Erotic Playdates

    1. SBSteven Bartlett50:30

       You know?

    2. SBSusan Bratton50:30

       Yeah. This is one of the reasons that I like erotic playdates so much.

    3. SBSteven Bartlett50:35

       What's that?

    4. SBSusan Bratton50:36

       Erotic playdates are... So, all right, I've written hundreds of sex techniques. I've written dozens of communication skills. And what people really want, they don't necessarily just want a technique or a skill, they just wanna have fun. They want erotic adventure. I just wanna have fun having sex with you. I don't want it to be like, "I'm going to be finding your, you know, G-spot or whatever." Like, that's fun. That's fun. That could be one of the things you wanna do. That could be one of your erotic playdates. It's like, "Let's find our G-spot. Let's try this sex toy. Let's do a lingerie photo shoot. Let's have sex on the dining room table when the kids are away. Let's do whatever." When you start to think about your sexuality not as, "Oh, we have to grab a boob and stick it in" (laughs) "We have to have intercourse," um, and when you move away from that and you take the pressure off, you have a lot more intercourse (laughs) because you have a, you start having fun. You start trying things. And when you try things, you have new relationship energy. Sex is an equation. It is two things. Good sex is, half of it is safety and security. "I trust this person. They're not gonna give me STIs. You know, they're, they're gonna m- th- they're gonna be fun. Um, I like them, they smell good, they taste good. You know, they're m- m- I, they're gonna be f- good to have sex with." But if you, you just have that (sings) boring. You know, it's like that's the death knell for your sex life is when it's just safe. Boring. Sounds so boring. So, variety, novelty, erotic adventures, erotic playdates, learning new things together. When you have this seat, this foundation of trust and safety and good communication, I can say anything I want to you and you're gonna love me and you're gonna appreciate that I'm telling you what I need all the time. When you have that and then you add all the novelty, "Ooh, did you hear about that heated sex toy or that one that blows up in your vagina? It inflates. What's that like?" Or, "Oh, let's find your P spot" or, "Let's try this penis ring." Or whatever it might be. Um, once you start doing those things, then not only that, but you have something to look forward to. You're like, "Okay." So, one of the things that I like to offer people is a s- is understanding what's on your sex life bucket list. So, what I did was I took 48 of my best sexy ideas and I made a sex life bucket list with all 48 of them. And then, it's basically this little printout here. I'll, I'll just give you one.

    5. SBSteven Bartlett53:27

       For me?

    6. SBSusan Bratton53:28

       Yeah.

    7. SBSteven Bartlett53:30

       Or for Tim?

    8. SBSusan Bratton53:32

       This, well, this is for you. So, what's interesting about the sex life bucket list is that I give you a video and I give you a printout. And if you both do the printout and you watch the video and you go through and I tell you what all 48 ideas are, and then when you do that, you go, "Okay, well these are my As. I definitely wanna do a lingerie photo shoot with you. My Bs are, I mean, I'd find your P spot with you and I'm happy to do it, but it wouldn't be like on my A list."

    9. SBSteven Bartlett53:59

       P spot?

    10. SBSusan Bratton54:00

        Your prostate, your P spot.

    11. SBSteven Bartlett54:02

        Oh. Is that up your bum?

    12. SBSusan Bratton54:03

        Yeah, up your bum.

    13. SBSteven Bartlett54:04

        Okay.

    14. SBSusan Bratton54:05

        And, um, Cs are, it's not for me right now. Never say never because as you mature, if you think about your sexual development like your personal development, it's just one more thing you're learning, you get better and better and you increment your skills. And so, what you used to look at it and go, "Why would anybody wanna be spanked?" Now you're like, "Oh my god, I wanna be

25. 54:25 – 57:04

    What to Do When Your Partner Mocks Your Sexual Fantasies

    1. SBSusan Bratton54:25

       spanked." (laughs)

    2. SBSteven Bartlett54:26

       I've been there my, I've been there my sexual history where I was with a partner and, um, I remember first introduced, uh, introducing the idea of using sex toys-

    3. SBSusan Bratton54:34

       Yeah.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett54:34

       ... and my partner responded at the time, many, many years ago, saying that, "No, that's for 50-year-old people."And I, and I was like, "What?" And that was, I found it really disappointing 'cause I thought-

    5. SBSusan Bratton54:44

       Yeah.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett54:45

       ... I was, I was in search of novelty in the, the bedroom.

    7. SBSusan Bratton54:47

       Good.

    8. SBSteven Bartlett54:47

       So I was looking to try new things. And I'd heard of like, my best friend was doing all sorts of like bondage and whips-

    9. SBSusan Bratton54:52

       Yeah.

    10. SBSteven Bartlett54:52

        ... and stuff. So I was like, "I'll get, I'll get involved in that."

    11. SBSusan Bratton54:54

        Yeah.

    12. SBSteven Bartlett54:55

        And they just kinda shut it down.

    13. SBSusan Bratton54:57

        Uh-huh.

    14. SBSteven Bartlett54:58

        And what is someone supposed to do in such a situation where they've proposed something which is inline with their sort of, their sex language-

    15. SBSusan Bratton55:04

        Mm-hmm.

    16. SBSteven Bartlett55:04

        ... but their partner has shut it down, dismissed it, mocked it, ridiculed it, whatever?

    17. SBSusan Bratton55:08

        Yeah.

    18. SBSteven Bartlett55:08

        What are they supposed to do?

    19. SBSusan Bratton55:09

        Yeah. First of all, I cannot wait to do my Susan's Sexy Show and Tell with you today because I have brought you some things that I've never shown anyone before. I have brand new things that no one's ever seen in the whole world for you today. So I'm excited about that. The second thing is that understanding that your girlfriend was afraid. She's just afraid. It was lack of knowledge makes fear. So how can you educate her? Say, "You know, I think you'd really enjoy us playing with a toy together. You know, I'd love to be inside you while you, you have a toy on your, the outside. And I think you'd really enjoy it, and it might give you some different kinds of orgasms. So why don't we have a date, and I'll take you to a store, and we can look at them?"

    20. SBSteven Bartlett55:59

        And she goes, "No, I'm not interested in that. I don't like it."

    21. SBSusan Bratton56:04

        Say, "Well tell me what it is you don't like about it. Is it something where you think that it might do..." What? Replace? I, uh, you'd think I'd be worried about being replaced.

    22. SBSteven Bartlett56:12

        I just, I just, "I don't think it's good for us. I think that we're better doing it naturally. And I think that, that that's for people that are 50." Which is what she said to me, it's a quote. She said, "I think that's for people that are 50."

    23. SBSusan Bratton56:22

        Well...

    24. SBSteven Bartlett56:23

        And we at the time must've been early 20s or something, so.

    25. SBSusan Bratton56:26

        I mean, I use an electric toothbrush and an oral irrigator, and I drive a car, and I have a mobile device, and I use a laptop, and I use all kinds of tools.

    26. SBSteven Bartlett56:36

        Hmm.

    27. SBSusan Bratton56:36

        So these are tools of pleasure.

    28. SBSteven Bartlett56:38

        Mm-hmm.

    29. SBSusan Bratton56:38

        And all I think is that we might experiment with some fun things. But if the toys aren't of interest to you right now, let's talk about what else might be of interest. Let's do this sex life bucket list and see what does sound good to you. And let's just start with your As. I'm perfectly willing to meet you where you are with the things that might be on your bucket list. Let's, let's knock a few of those things off and try some fun new things together.

26. 57:04 – 59:23

    Managing Communication Between Opposite Sexes in Relationships

    1. SBSusan Bratton57:04

    2. SBSteven Bartlett57:04

       It, it's interesting 'cause I, as I was speaking, I was reflecting on that sentence that, that this former partner said many years ago-

    3. SBSusan Bratton57:10

       Yeah.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett57:10

       ... about, "I think it's for people that are 50." 'Cause A, when I'm 50 I still wanna be having the best sex of my life.

    5. SBSusan Bratton57:14

       Mm-hmm.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett57:15

       And s- s-

    7. SBSusan Bratton57:16

       You will.

    8. SBSteven Bartlett57:16

       I've spoken to 50-year-olds and they're having a great time.

    9. SBSusan Bratton57:18

       Mm-hmm.

    10. SBSteven Bartlett57:19

        Um, but C, it also comes back to this idea of like should, which is again a comparative measure. I don't... You know, like this expectation and this, this how stereotypes can, can be so corrosive for like sexual exploration-

    11. SBSusan Bratton57:35

        Mm-hmm.

    12. SBSteven Bartlett57:35

        ... and an openness. Um, the other thing I was thinking about is what if you wanna try something with your partner, you have a fantasy-

    13. SBSusan Bratton57:44

        Mm-hmm.

    14. SBSteven Bartlett57:44

        ... and it is opposed to their fantasy? So like I, I think we talk about love languages a lot, but what about like sex languages?

    15. SBSusan Bratton57:54

        Mm-hmm.

    16. SBSteven Bartlett57:54

        Could you, could you... Is it possible to have the opposite sex language to your partner? For example, you might wanna be, um, you might wanna feel really safe-

    17. SBSusan Bratton58:04

        Mm-hmm.

    18. SBSteven Bartlett58:04

        ... but your partner wants to tie you up and (laughs) dominate.

    19. SBSusan Bratton58:10

        Yeah.

    20. SBSteven Bartlett58:11

        And that's like, and that's, maybe that's their thing.

    21. SBSusan Bratton58:13

        Yeah.

    22. SBSteven Bartlett58:14

        And you, but you wanna be real-, you wanna feel really safe, so that, that's like diametrically opposed.

    23. SBSusan Bratton58:18

        Mm-hmm. So there's a couple of things. The first is that, uh, Jai's Erotic Blueprints are a good place to start. Um, she's come up with five different archetypes, uh, sexual archetypes. And I think that's wonderful, but it's very similar also to the, um, love languages where it's like, "Well Steve, I want you to love me in all five ways," like making me think I have a love language. It's also starting with the erotic blueprint that you have is great, but maybe you are really enjoying being passive, but then why not try and be a little switchy? Why not learn and become more confident in your sexuality and learn how to take control? Or maybe you are the one that's always dominant and it's time for you to learn how to surrender. I think that you can start in one place with your comfort zone, but begin to learn more things so that you get out of your comfort zone and you start trying new things.

27. 59:23 – 1:01:53

    How Safety and Novelty Create Desire

    1. SBSusan Bratton59:23

    2. SBSteven Bartlett59:23

       How often? You, you said, um, safety plus novelty equals desire.

    3. SBSusan Bratton59:27

       Mm-hmm.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett59:27

       So the novelty part-

    5. SBSusan Bratton59:29

       Yeah.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett59:29

       ... I mean if you live 100 years, that's a lot of new ideas you're gonna need.

    7. SBSusan Bratton59:33

       I have not run out of ideas. As a matter of fact, Sir Tim, I joke that his like epitaph on his gravestone, which he's like, "I don't even need a gravestone. I don't- I don't care about that." But I always joke that his epitaph is, "Up for anything!" Like I can't come up with something that guy wouldn't be willing to try with me. And I keep coming up with stuff and he keeps being a yes. And it's really, really fun when you're with a partner like that or when the two of you have ideas. And a lot of times when we have a date, we'll sit down and, and or, or if we have a date with a third person, so I have a boyfriend as well, and the three of us make love. And we'll get together for our date and we'll-

    8. SBSteven Bartlett1:00:18

       And who watches that?

    9. SBSusan Bratton1:00:19

       No, we're all together. They're straight, but we all make love together. And um, we'll sit down and we'll be like, "Okay, well what do you guys feel like?" And they'll throw out some ideas and I'll throw out some ideas, and then we'll decide what we wanna start with first and then we'll come up with a game plan. And then we'll start that game plan but then I'll be like, "Oh no, you know what I wanna do? I wanna do this instead." (laughs)

    10. SBSteven Bartlett1:00:39

        (laughs)

    11. SBSusan Bratton1:00:39

        And they're like, "Okay, we'll do that instead." (laughs) And so, you can just get to the point where you're so comfortable that you can listen to your animal. One of the reasons I use the word homo sapien when I talked to you earlier is that we can't forget that we are part of ... If you think about the tree of life, we're on the branch with the bonobos and the great apes. We are homo sapien. We are part of the great apes. And so we're an animal. We are subject to the vagaries of how much sugar we've eaten, have we been drinking, have we been, you know, have we been sad, have we been stressed out, et cetera, have we been working out or not? And so every time you enter into an experience together, every time you begin a lovemaking date, to not have some prescribed thing that you're gonna do, but to see what your appetite, what your animal desires, what he or she is in the mood for. "I'm the kitty cat, I'm the lioness. Where am I? I wanna try a new toy. I wanna have sex in a different location," whatever it might be. What am I in the mood for? What does she want?

    12. SBSteven Bartlett1:01:51

        I've got another question.

28. 1:01:53 – 1:07:26

    Overcoming Early Ejaculation

    1. SBSteven Bartlett1:01:53

       So this is from a young man-

    2. SBSusan Bratton1:01:54

       Okay.

    3. SBSteven Bartlett1:01:54

       ... who is a Diary of a CEO listener, and this is his situation.

    4. GMGuest questioner (male audience member)1:01:59

       I feel like when, whenever I am having sex with someone that she's not really having as good of a time as she's, uh, acting like. Um, and the reason that I think so is because I only last, like, two or three minutes in bed, and I just don't think that that's enough time for her to, you know, for her to get off also. Um, and this has been a issue dating back to my first relationship.

    5. SBSusan Bratton1:02:37

       Yeah. This is very, very common. Uh, so Kit, you are not alone. One in four men of all ages suffer from what some people call premature ejaculation or performance anxiety. But, um, one of the things that I have been doing is working with Jim Benson. I publish his program called Multi-Orgasmic Lover for Men. And basically what it does is it helps men attain something called ejaculatory choice. And that is essentially you get to ejaculate when you want to, not because you can't help it. So for the guys that are coming too fast, it slows them down. It's essentially a technique called the me breath, M-E. And it is, um, a way to use three things in your body. It's a body-based technique. It's very similar to, like, learning how to swing a golf club or learning how to drive a car, where you, you know, when you're driving a car, you're gassing, you're braking, you're looking in the rearview mirror, you're looking out the front, you're steering, you might even be shifting. (laughs)

    6. SBSteven Bartlett1:03:46

       Mm-hmm.

    7. SBSusan Bratton1:03:46

       And, uh, golf swing, you know, you're setting it up, you got the head tilted right, you're doing your swing, your pullback and all these kinds of things. The me breath uses three things. It uses a, a squeeze of the PC muscle, the pubococcygeus muscle. It's like the Kegel-y area. It uses a breath that is called a cool draw. This comes from Taoist techniques for semen retention, but it's not a semen retention technique, but it leverages that, and it uses a, what we call a thrust or a pelvic rock to relax guys. Guys end up often with intercourse kind of doing like, like a piston. They think about the vagina as like an inside out penis, and it's just this friction that's supposed to feel good to her. The vagina is a vast cavern of pleasure. It is not an inside out penis, and it likes all kinds of other things. But when they end up with that friction and they're stiff and they're not relaxed, it accelerates ejaculation. So when they learn the squeeze, the breathe, and the thrust, and they do them during masturbation, often men who come before they want to are suffering from, um, kind of almost training themselves to come too fast. Like, they've, they've masturbated in ways that, you know, gets them off quickly. Often they don't have privacy or, you know, they're just, they just don't have leisurely time for masturbation. So you practice the me breath during masturbation, and it teaches your body to gas and break your arousal so you can slow down. And the other component is the mental component, which is that you get really nervous you're gonna do it again, and then that makes you do it again. And so there are some somatic techniques that allow you to be present right here, right now. Because a lot of guys, guys say to me all the time, "I don't really care about my own pleasure. I'm just in it for her." And it's like, "Well, that's a lot of pressure for her, dude. It would be nice if you showed your pleasure too." Like, always just trying to make her have an orgasm is not really what you wanna do either. You need to get out of your head and into your body. You gotta slow down. You gotta get present, because if you are thinking about something that happened in the past, "Oh, I'm gonna come too fast again," or, "Oh my God, what if I come too fast," you're, you're not with me. And so if he stops trying to make her have fun, if he stops worrying, he practices the me breath at home, and then when he's making love to her, he knows how to breathe and rock his hips. And by the way, that pelvic rock feels really good in intercourse for her. So that's nice too.

    8. SBSteven Bartlett1:06:39

       If I was to try and relate to our friend here, Kit-

    9. SBSusan Bratton1:06:43

       Yeah.

    10. SBSteven Bartlett1:06:43

        ... um, I think for the first sort of season of my sexual journey, I thought of sex as this thing where you kind of-... climb on, and it needs to be like quick as you can. And in fact-

    11. SBSusan Bratton1:06:55

        Yeah.

    12. SBSteven Bartlett1:06:55

        ... I think because of, because you watch pornography when you're young, you think that-

    13. SBSusan Bratton1:06:59

        Yes.

    14. SBSteven Bartlett1:06:59

        ... the faster and harder you go-

    15. SBSusan Bratton1:07:00

        Yes.

    16. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:00

        ... the better the job you're doing.

    17. SBSusan Bratton1:07:01

        Oh my gosh, I know. Yeah.

    18. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:02

        I think in my wisdom I've learned that there's no rush.

    19. SBSusan Bratton1:07:06

        Oh.

    20. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:06

        And also, you know, I get off by watching my partner get off.

    21. SBSusan Bratton1:07:10

        Hmm.

    22. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:10

        So, this is where a lot of the things you have on this table come in, 'cause it wasn't until later in my s- sexual journey that I started using these kind of things, these toys-

    23. SBSusan Bratton1:07:19

        Yeah.

    24. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:20

        ... that you've brought. I mean, you've brought 720 of them, but-

    25. SBSusan Bratton1:07:23

        (laughs)

    26. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:23

        ... I recognize a couple of them.

    27. SBSusan Bratton1:07:25

        (laughs)

    28. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:25

        Um,

29. 1:07:26 – 1:09:36

    What’s the Most Effective Sex Toy?

    1. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:26

       which ones are like a, a fan favorite? If you're a guy-

    2. SBSusan Bratton1:07:28

       Mm-hmm.

    3. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:28

       ... and you're looking to pleasure your partner-

    4. SBSusan Bratton1:07:30

       Mm-hmm.

    5. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:31

       ... which one of these is like, you know, easy money? Is like, is gonna hit the spot?

    6. SBSusan Bratton1:07:36

       Yeah. Well, there's a couple of different ones. One of the things that I think is really important is yoni massage. Do you know what a yoni is?

    7. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:44

       I do.

    8. SBSusan Bratton1:07:45

       Good for you.

    9. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:46

       Because my-

    10. SBSusan Bratton1:07:46

        A+ student.

    11. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:47

        Yeah. My partner is, has told me what yoni massages are, and she was in Bali for many years doing, she's done tantra training, and I've, I've been with her and stuff, so yeah.

    12. SBSusan Bratton1:07:57

        Great.

    13. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:57

        Yoni means vagina?

    14. SBSusan Bratton1:07:59

        It really means, you know, the vagina is just the internal-

    15. SBSteven Bartlett1:08:03

        Oh, yeah.

    16. SBSusan Bratton1:08:03

        ... cavern. And the vulva is just the external-facing tissue.

    17. SBSteven Bartlett1:08:09

        Okay.

    18. SBSusan Bratton1:08:10

        Like the outside and the inside. And so vagina's not technically accurate and vulva's not tech- technically accurate.

    19. SBSteven Bartlett1:08:15

        The whole thing?

    20. SBSusan Bratton1:08:16

        The whole thing. The whole schmargargh.

    21. SBSteven Bartlett1:08:18

        I think of the vagina as the whole thing.

    22. SBSusan Bratton1:08:19

        Right. But it's not, 'cause the vagina's just the internal... So I like the word yoni because it's comprehensive and it's also reverential.

    23. SBSteven Bartlett1:08:30

        Which means?

    24. SBSusan Bratton1:08:31

        It means that you are not looking at it as like, this is just a thing that I'm sticking my penis in. This is actually connected to this woman. This is her, the seat of her passion. This is the seat of her creativity. This is, she is a goddess, and I will pleasure every part of her. And so I think that's the number one thing that's important to, when I, when I use the word yoni, I'm really thinking about it in a very loving, gentle, kind, and pleasurable perspective. And so if you want to do a good job for a yoni, the best thing that you can do is give it a massage before you make love to it. And so toys that I would recommend for that are lay-on toys. Is, this is a pretty burgeoning category of, of toys. And I, I think about them as tools. I don't even think they're toys. I feel like toys is like, okay, yeah, that's fine, but they're, they're tools.

    25. SBSteven Bartlett1:09:33

        What's a lay-on toy?

    26. SBSusan Bratton1:09:34

        So here are two-

    27. SBSteven Bartlett1:09:34

        Oh, cool.

    28. SBSusan Bratton1:09:35

        ... lay-on tools.

30. 1:09:36 – 1:10:11

    The Pulse Queen: A Review

    1. SBSusan Bratton1:09:36

       This is called the Pulse Queen and this one actually has a vibrating plate. Let, let me turn it on for you. Actually, you'd probably figure it out right away. Hold the middle button down for a minute and it'll, it'll go on. There you go. This pulse plate technology actually penetrates the vulva, the outside of her yoni, and it feels great on the clitoral structures, it feels great on the mons.

    2. SBSteven Bartlett1:10:01

       Good for headaches, isn't it?

    3. SBSusan Bratton1:10:02

       (laughs) It feels great on the outer labia and the inner labia and the vestibule. So what it does...

    4. SBSteven Bartlett1:10:10

       Wow.

    5. SBSusan Bratton1:10:10

       Yeah.

31. 1:10:11 – 1:13:45

    The Vibe: Benefits and Features

    1. SBSusan Bratton1:10:11

       It, it'll, there's plenty of power. Here's another one.

    2. SBSteven Bartlett1:10:15

       Let's play with that.

    3. SBSusan Bratton1:10:15

       That's called the Vibe, and that's also a lay-on tool. And they send penetrating, pulsating pleasure into the yoni. And what's nice about that is that, here's my banana. So if you imagine this banana is a penis, that's pretty easy. You can do that. And half of your penis sticks out of your body and half of it actually goes down and in towards your testicles. So it's double, almost double what you see sticking out fully erect, it's twice that size. And inside it is erectile tissue, spongy tissue. And that spongy tissue holds blood. So remember when I was talking about, um, being held and holding and how women need to get out of their head and they need to slow down?

    4. SBSteven Bartlett1:11:04

       Yeah.

    5. SBSusan Bratton1:11:05

       If, a, a lot of guys say to me, "What's the number one sex technique I need to know?" And I'm like, "Okay, well there's a lot of them, but the number one sex technique you need to know is slow down, turn around, and come back and get us 'cause you're ready to go and we're not." Because your erection happens in a minute or two. You can usually get a hard-on because this spongy tissue in your penis has these three straight chutes and the blood runs right in there. You see the boob and you get an erection. Boom. But not a female body. A female body has the same amount of erectile tissue as is inside your penis, only, and I'm doing a little demo here if you're listening to us, I'm stretching this erectile tissue from the penis into this little teardrop shape. The vagina is in here, and the urethral canal, which is what's called the G-spot, but it's not a spot, it's a long tube. So here is the vagina. It is wrapped in the same amount of erectile tissue that's in your penis. But it's in these little arms, little legs, little shaft, little sponge, little sponge, and so it takes about 20 minutes for her to achieve her clitoral erection.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett1:12:18

       So we'll start with her first, then.

    7. SBSusan Bratton1:12:21

       Right. So yoni massages are fantastic because you're gonna get that blood flowing into her vulva so that all this tissue gets nice and plump, so she gets an erection. Because how does sex feel if you're flaccid?

    8. SBSteven Bartlett1:12:37

       Hmm. Not great.

    9. SBSusan Bratton1:12:38

       It feels great when you're erect. And that's because it has more surface area-... that sends more signals to your biggest sex organ, your...

    10. SBSteven Bartlett1:12:48

        Brain.

    11. SBSusan Bratton1:12:48

        Your brain. And so when women are rushed for sex, which is, has been almost all the time because everything you see in the movies... What is it? What, what's a typical movie scene? We get together, we kiss, you rip off my shirt, my bra is still on. You haven't even touched my boobs, which are one of the three... Not you. You're, you're perfect.

    12. SBSteven Bartlett1:13:07

        (laughs)

    13. SBSusan Bratton1:13:08

        (laughs) But y- you know, he hasn't even touched her boobs and he's ripped her pants off and he's plunged inside her. She's not ready. She doesn't have a lady boner. She's not ready to go. That tissue needs to be filled up with blood so that it feels as good to her so it sends the signals to her brain. So all those women who are like, "I'm, I'm just the kinda woman who can't have an orgasm from intercourse," I'm like, "Uh, girl, yeah you can." You can basically have orgasms the entire time you're having intercourse if you get enough pleasuring before you're penetrated.

32. 1:13:45 – 1:19:23

    Understanding Different Types of Orgasms

    1. SBSusan Bratton1:13:45

    2. SBSteven Bartlett1:13:45

       You said there's multiple types of orgasms.

    3. SBSusan Bratton1:13:47

       20.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett1:13:48

       20 different types.

    5. SBSusan Bratton1:13:49

       20 plus. One is a wild card. Because I'm always leaving opportunity open for more orgasms. (laughs)

    6. SBSteven Bartlett1:13:55

       I read this quantum orgasm...

    7. SBSusan Bratton1:13:56

       Yeah. (laughs) Quantum orgasm, yeah.

    8. SBSteven Bartlett1:13:58

       What's that?

    9. SBSusan Bratton1:13:59

       So-

    10. SBSteven Bartlett1:13:59

        That sounds nice.

    11. SBSusan Bratton1:14:00

        Th- of the 20 kinds of orgasms, there are locations to touch, clitoral, vaginal, anal, breast-gasms, nipple-gasms, throat-gasms, et cetera, and then there are techniques to use. So for female ejaculation, which all women can do, uh, there are very specific te- techniques that work, and it's not what you see on porn. And then there's expanded orgasm techniques as well. And an expanded orgasm, or like a quantum-gasm, is this. So... And then there... And there are tools of desire. So there's three different types of orgasm. I'll finish that sentence. So there's locations to touch, techniques to use, and tools or objects of desire. Because who's to say that that crop that spanks your bottom isn't an object of desire to give you orgasms? It is, too. But the quantum-gasm... So a regular orgasm is, okay, it's very similar to what men think about an orgasm being like, "Ahem, I'm gonna..." And this is, like, the 1960s, you know, Masters and Johnson style, almost 80 years ago. We have moved on from this style of orgasm. This is just one kind. But it's the, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah," (sighs) and you have the orgasm. That's a one-and-done. And often women who say, or, and a lot of men complain about this to me, "After she has an orgasm, she doesn't want me to touch her. It's over. She's done." And I'm like, "You're driving her too hard. You haven't given her enough engorgement. If you go s- slower, she'll be able to have multiple orgasms because you haven't driven her nervous system so hard to get the first one done." So slow down, lighter touch, more engorgement, more foreplay, make out, play with her boobs, stroke her body, tell her she's beautiful, all of these things, and then she can move into multiple orgasms. "Ah, ah, oh, ah, oh, ah," she can do that, right? But then there's extended orgasms. So this is where she starts being able to sit in sensation, and this is back to sex as a mindfulness practice. Now she's right there. She's in the orgasm, and now she's like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh," (horn honking) oh, oh, oh, oh, (sighs) oh."

    12. SBSteven Bartlett1:16:37

        (laughs)

    13. SBSusan Bratton1:16:37

        That sound, that's the crowd-pleaser.

    14. SBSteven Bartlett1:16:40

        Yes, yeah. I recognize that.

    15. SBSusan Bratton1:16:40

        Right? That's an extended orgasm. Now she's taken that moment of time and she's stretched it out like taffy, right? So now she's in the orgasm, right? So she's starting to ride a big wave. But then there's an expanded orgasm, and that's the, that's the king, the queen of orgasms, and that is now I'm a big wave rider. You're towing me out. You're stroking me. You're pleasuring me. Ahem. It's feeling good. You get me up in that wave and I'm riding that wave. Oh. And I just ride and ride and ride and ride that wave, and you tow me back out. And a big set just came in, and now you tow me into a bigger wave. It's more intense. It lasts even longer. And I am just coming and coming and coming, and you just keep delivering, and you're delivering it to me with the lightest of touch because now I'm so good at orgasming that all you barely have to do is stroke a little finger on all that delicious, plump, juicy tissue that's now sending massive amounts of signals to my brain, and I am coming for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes. Now I'm gonna come with you for, until I can't anymore. Let's see how long we can go. And you start having orgasms that keep getting bigger and better until you're just tired. You need to stop. You have to get some water. You need to recover. And I remember when I was learning the expanded orgasm technique, this was from my mentor, Dr. Patti Taylor, and I called her one day when I had one of those hour-long orgasms with Tim, and I was like, "Let's see how long I can come, how hard I can come, and how much I can come." And so (laughs) I came and came and came, and, and I thought, "Oh, man, I'm at this precipice, and I'm afraid to let go. Like, I'm h- I'm riding the waves, but I... There's more and it's out there."... but I'm afraid. And I called Patty and I was like, "What do I do?" And she goes, "Step off. Go, go out there." When I stepped off, I touched source, I touched God, I felt Gaia, I felt my connection, I felt what connects us all. That's why sex is repressed. That's why people hold you away from sexuality and shame you, because if you felt God in your lovemaking, why would you need to go to God in a church?

33. 1:19:23 – 1:20:13

    Third Question From the Audience

    1. SBSusan Bratton1:19:23

    2. SBSteven Bartlett1:19:23

       Here's Ethan. He's far away from God.

    3. GMGuest questioner (male audience member)1:19:25

       My girlfriend and I, um, just moved in together about a year ago. We've been together for two years and we're looking down the barrel of a dry bedroom. And, uh, things have gotten real mechanical, especially in the last several months, and I'm just afraid of where it's gonna go, and I wanna help us.

    4. SBSusan Bratton1:19:45

       Good. It's not good for her. She's not enjoying it. He's bummed out, so he's probably doing, he prob- e- I mean, how can you blame anyone for not knowing when there's... My work's always censored. I teach passionate lovemaking techniques, uh, uh, uh, but I can't advertise. I can't advertise the expanded orgasm practice.

    5. SBSteven Bartlett1:20:12

       If

34. 1:20:13 – 1:20:33

    How to Have an Expanded Orgasm With Your Partner

    1. SBSteven Bartlett1:20:13

       you're trying to teach Ethan how to have an expanded orgasm with his partner-

    2. SBSusan Bratton1:20:16

       Yeah.

    3. SBSteven Bartlett1:20:17

       ... what would y- what, how'd you go about that? What's like the-

    4. SBSusan Bratton1:20:19

       I'll just give him the program. It's 21 Erotic Playdates. You learn the str- it's a five-stroke technique. But I would say, start with Sex Life Bucket List, start with trying some toys, start with yoni massages,

35. 1:20:33 – 1:22:17

    Women’s Favourite Sex Toy: A Guide

    1. SBSusan Bratton1:20:33

       start with holding her.

    2. SBSteven Bartlett1:20:33

       If you had to recommend one toy for Ethan, then, one that's just gonna, she, it's gonna blow her mind, which one would you, which one is the favorite? Like of all these toys, there's, I mean, there's some, more over there as well.

    3. SBSusan Bratton1:20:44

       Mm-hmm.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett1:20:44

       What is, there's gotta be one that's most popular amongst women.

    5. SBSusan Bratton1:20:48

       It depends. I would say that if he wants to have partnered sex with her, then one could be a double vibrating penis ring that he could put on her and she could ride him, and then, uh, she could put her clitoral structure up against the... Here, let me help you with that.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:07

       No, I've got it. Don't worry. (laughs)

    7. SBSusan Bratton1:21:08

       You do? Oh, good for you.

    8. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:10

       I'm like trying to open a bottle with it. I don't know. (laughs)

    9. SBSusan Bratton1:21:12

       Yeah, I know. It's on the bottom. You have to turn it on the bottom, hold the button on the bottom-

    10. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:15

        Oh.

    11. SBSusan Bratton1:21:15

        ... and hold it for just a second and it'll go on.

    12. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:17

        Oh my gosh.

    13. SBSusan Bratton1:21:17

        And there you go. And then you can press it again, press the button at the top again.

    14. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:21

        At the top?

    15. SBSusan Bratton1:21:21

        Oh, I'm sorry, at the bottom, the same one. Press it again. There, it goes on.

    16. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:25

        Okay, so that vibrates on their clitoris while it's attached to your penis?

    17. SBSusan Bratton1:21:29

        Yes. Your, actually your penis and your testicles go through there-

    18. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:32

        And your testicles?

    19. SBSusan Bratton1:21:32

        Yeah.

    20. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:33

        Oh my gosh.

    21. SBSusan Bratton1:21:33

        All your junk goes through there.

    22. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:35

        Aah.

    23. SBSusan Bratton1:21:35

        And then you get perineal pleasure while she gets clitoral pleasure. So, you could try that or you could give her something like this. This is a little, this is called the Digit, and this is like a little ring pop, so that if you have lube all over your hands, you don't lose it. It's, he- it's not hard to hold onto. And this'll dance like a little hummingbird on her clitoral structure while you're penetrating her.

    24. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:56

        That's a good idea.

    25. SBSusan Bratton1:21:57

        So...

    26. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:57

        I lo- I love this one.

    27. SBSusan Bratton1:21:58

        Gi-

    28. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:58

        This one's great because sometimes-

    29. SBSusan Bratton1:22:00

        Give, give a girl a Digit.

    30. SBSteven Bartlett1:22:01

        ... I'm messing around trying to hold onto this thing and it's sliding around.
36. 1:22:17 – 1:25:55

    The Pleasure Protocol Explained

    1. SBSusan Bratton1:22:17

       like to tell you about this. I brought these for you. So this is, um, FORIA, and this is my Pleasure Protocol, and there are three components to it. The first is this. Put a melt, have your partner put a melt inside her vagina. This is cocoa butter botanicals, and-

    2. SBSteven Bartlett1:22:40

       For people that can't see, what have you just handed me?

    3. SBSusan Bratton1:22:42

       I've handed you just a little, a little cocoa butter. It almost looks like a little fingertip of cocoa butter that goes up inside the vagina.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett1:22:51

       To me, it looks like a double-sized tablet is inside here.

    5. SBSusan Bratton1:22:56

       Yeah. That's reasonable. And you can take one-

    6. SBSteven Bartlett1:22:59

       Take one out?

    7. SBSusan Bratton1:22:59

       Open it up and take one out. Yeah. Um, and th- the cocoa butter melts up in there with CBD and botanicals. There you go. (laughs) Doesn't it smell good?

    8. SBSteven Bartlett1:23:10

       Oh my gosh, it's... It smells like, um, dark chocolate.

    9. SBSusan Bratton1:23:14

       It's cocoa.

    10. SBSteven Bartlett1:23:15

        Aah.

    11. SBSusan Bratton1:23:16

        Cocoa butter is from cacao. It is chocolate.

    12. SBSteven Bartlett1:23:19

        Oh my God.

    13. SBSusan Bratton1:23:20

        It's the fat of chocolate-

    14. SBSteven Bartlett1:23:22

        Mm.

    15. SBSusan Bratton1:23:22

        ... which is an aphrodisiac, right? Doesn't it smell good?

    16. SBSteven Bartlett1:23:26

        It smells, it smells like cacao. Yeah.

    17. SBSusan Bratton1:23:28

        Yeah. It's so nice.

    18. SBSteven Bartlett1:23:29

        So she puts that inside her?

    19. SBSusan Bratton1:23:30

        She pops it right in. It melts almost al- immediately and it makes her vagina feel like velvety and luscious. And then this is the Intimacy, this is the Awaken Arousal Oil. So when you take this home for your girlfriend, I want you to just put a few drops in your hand, and then I want you to coat it on the outside, on the vulva, on her mons, her outer labia, her inner labia, her clitoral shaft and tip, and the vestibule, the inside between the two labia.

    20. SBSteven Bartlett1:24:01

        She's gonna wonder what I'm doing.

    21. SBSusan Bratton1:24:02

        Doesn't that smell so good? And then when you want more slide and glide, th- just put as much of this sex oil on as you want. So you've got some ins-, you've got the melt on the inside, you've got the arousal, the awakening, which is gonna be like ping. It essentially makes your yoni, when you put the arousal oil on, the Awaken, it, it makes your yoni go, "Mmm." Like that. It's so good. And then this is, "Oh, I need more slide. I need more glide." And then this I absolutely love. I, I used to think, I used to not really like my breasts. And I've got great boobs, and I didn't think I did 'cause I'm a woman and we think there's something wrong with us. Everybody in the world wants to get their hands on my boobs, but I didn't think they look good. It's ridiculous what we women do to ourselves. So...When I discovered nipplegasms, I was like, "Oh ho, have I been missing out." And I love having orgasms from my breasts being pleasured. It is so nice. And I've done an AB split test, one nipple with and one nipple without this breast oil, and nipple A loves this breast oil. So when you play with your girlfriend, take little droppers full of this and have her, have her hold her boobs up and dribble it on her boobs and then spread it around and play with her breasts and nipples, maybe while you're making out or, you know, a lot of times what I like to do is I like to have Tim lean up against the back of the bed-

    22. SBSteven Bartlett1:25:38

        Mm-hmm.

    23. SBSusan Bratton1:25:38

        ... the headboard, and then I put a pillow on his belly and I lean back against him and he gives me breast pleasuring with the breast oil while I tell him about my day and we talk about things and we just connect with each other.

37. 1:25:55 – 1:27:35

    Fourth Question From the Audience

    1. SBSusan Bratton1:25:55

    2. SBSteven Bartlett1:25:55

       I think Kit had something to say about this.

    3. SBSusan Bratton1:25:56

       Tell me.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett1:25:57

       I mean, I probably need to get better at oral sex. I think oral sex is probably expected at this point. Um, so I guess I, I would wanna learn more about that and I would wanna learn more about, like, this is gonna sound so crazy, but, like, what, like, what are you supposed to do with nipples? (laughs) I don't know- I don't know any- any other way to say that, but it's, like, you know, does it feel good to, like, how long should I, should I, like, suck on them for a while or should I, uh, like, tweak them or, like, what's, you know... It j- it, it just seems, like, awkward. So I guess I'm more awkward than I should be. And I think if someone could tell me some, some things that I could do that are not awkward, then I would feel so much better about everything.

Episode duration: 1:54:57