The Diary of a CEOSuicidal Drug Addict To Elite Military Commando with Ben Williams | E68
CHAPTERS
- 7:00 – 18:00
Broken Home, Moving Schools, And Early Escape Into Music And Drugs
Ben recounts a turbulent childhood marked by an ‘aggravated’ parental separation, domestic incidents, financial decline, and repeated moves that left him constantly the outsider. Seeking belonging, he gravitated toward heavy metal, alternative dress, and eventually cannabis as early forms of escape and social bonding.
- •Parents’ rough divorce around age six or seven; exposure to incidents he still won’t fully describe.
- •Family moved from a nice house to a small council estate; mother became sole provider and de facto mother-and-father.
- •Frequent relocations led to six or seven different schools; arriving as ‘the new kid’ made him a target for bullying.
- •Adopted heavy metal culture—black nail varnish, dog collar—as genuine preference but also a coping mechanism, further isolating him.
- •Began smoking cannabis around age 12, even before trying a cigarette; weed became a social glue with ‘cool kids’ and an early escape.
- 18:00 – 25:00
Anger, Alpha Fantasies, Steroids And The Nightclub Manslaughter
Feeling purposeless and resentful when his mum blocked an early attempt to join the Marines, Ben channeled his energy into becoming a nightclub bouncer, using steroids and violence to forge an ‘alpha male’ identity. A chaotic 3 a.m. incident ends with a patron’s accidental death during a restraint, triggering a manslaughter investigation and accelerating Ben’s descent into heavy cocaine use and despair.
- •Developed a growing resentment toward males due to absent father and violent male figures; started anger management at 16.
- •Mum insisted he finish A‑levels before enlisting; he responded by rebelling and becoming a full‑time bouncer at 18.
- •Began oral then injectable steroid use to ‘skip’ natural growth and become bigger, angrier, more intimidating on the door.
- •Influenced by films and hard-man biographies, he internalised a gangsterish notion of masculinity and power.
- •Describes a massive nightclub fight where code ‘black’ (loss of control) is called; in the pile‑on a man’s neck is broken and he dies.
- •All doormen are arrested and placed on manslaughter charges for a year; eventual ruling is accidental death, but the guilt devastates him.
- •Loses his job, slides into daily cocaine and heavy weed use, and ends up cleaning school toilets, feeling he’s hit rock bottom.
- 25:00 – 40:30
Suicidal Drive, A YouTube Advert, And The First Run Towards The Marines
Crushed by purposelessness, addiction, and guilt over the nightclub death, Ben contemplates suicide in his shared Corsa but cannot go through with it. Back home, berating himself as ‘useless,’ he stumbles across a Royal Marines advert on YouTube which resurrects his childhood dream and gives him a clear purpose, prompting him to flush his cocaine and begin training from scratch.
- •Daily coke use escalates to solitary Tuesday morning sessions in his mum’s spare room; his girlfriend (now wife) remains with him.
- •Internal dialogue of intense self‑loathing culminates in a drive with intent to die, but he returns home instead.
- •Sees a Royal Marines endurance-course advert: a recruit repeatedly asked ‘Would you stop here?’ before the tagline ‘99.99% need not apply.’
- •Ad triggers vivid memories of childhood trips with his dad to the Royal Marines Museum and early aspirations to join.
- •He recognises that the real courage is not violence but admitting to his mum that he wants to enlist; she responds with relief.
- •Flushes his cocaine (awkwardly) and gradually drops steroids, using weed briefly as a step‑down before embracing fitness.
- •Goes for his first run in mismatched kit, feeling the fresh air and endorphins as ‘purifying’ and tasting success for the first time in years.
- •Spends about a year on fitness tests, medicals, psychometrics, and the brutal three‑day Potential Royal Marines Course, which he passes despite food poisoning.
- 40:30 – 55:00
Earning The Green Beret And Understanding The Commando Mindset
Ben describes the pride of arriving at Commando Training Centre, recognising locations from documentaries he’d obsessed over, and the awe of being surrounded by elite instructors. He then breaks down the Royal Marines ethos—courage, determination, excellence, self-discipline, integrity, cheerfulness, and humility—and explains how these values form a transferable ‘Commando Mindset’ he later teaches to recruits and civilians.
- •Arrival at CTCRM feels like stepping into a documentary he’d watched repeatedly; immense pride just to be in the ‘foundation block.’
- •Finds early weeks of training exhilarating before the grind reveals how long and hard the 32‑week course truly is.
- •As an instructor years later, he sees his own story mirrored in recruits with backgrounds of drugs, homelessness, or trauma.
- •Explains each value: courage (moral and physical), determination, excellence (continuous striving, not perfection), self-discipline, integrity (likened to virginity), cheerfulness in adversity, and humility.
- •Insists these are universal human values, not exclusive to soldiers; civilians can adopt a ‘Commando Mindset’ without wearing a beret.
- •Later returns as an instructor, proud to shepherd civilians into commandos and finally relax enough on pass-out day to call them ‘mate.’
- 55:00 – 1:14:30
Under Fire In Afghanistan: Fear, Flash Checks, And Cheerfulness In Hell
Deploying to Afghanistan, Ben experiences intense IED threats and firefights that test his training. He recounts his first engagement where he instinctively dives into a ditch instead of returning fire, only to be snapped back into his role by a commander’s shout to ‘check your flashes,’ illustrating how shared values and identity override panic.
- •Patrols in the ‘green zone’ under constant IED risk; atmospherics (absence of women/children) become key threat indicators.
- •Taliban radio intercepts reveal enemy eyes on them and coded references to IEDs as ‘melons.’
- •In first major contact, he and others dive into a ditch under fire, hearing bullets thump overhead while submerged.
- •Commander Vicey remains on the track, firing, and shouts ‘Check your fucking flashes!’ referencing their Royal Marines shoulder tabs.
- •That single phrase reconnects them with the ethos and snaps them from fear to action, getting them back into the fight.
- •Explains ‘cheerfulness in the face of adversity’: laughing at miserable conditions or near misses to prevent adversity ‘laughing at you’ and to guard mental health.
- 1:14:30 – 1:36:00
The Commando Mindset In Civilian Life: Excellence, Parenting, And ARA
Returning to civilian questions, Ben and Steven debate cultural shifts toward ‘participation trophies’ and soft standards, contrasting them with a Commando ethos of excellence and personal responsibility. Ben introduces his ARA framework—Accept, Remove emotion, Adapt—as a simple mental tool for handling crises from battlefield deaths to COVID business shocks or even stubbing a toe.
- •Ben recounts his son’s sports day, where winners and participants both get stickers; he rejects the idea that everyone should be equally rewarded.
- •Argues that over‑praising mere participation breeds ‘just turn up’ attitudes, undermines standards and purpose, and hurts long‑term mental health.
- •Stresses that excellence is incremental effort, not perfection; being the slowest but utterly spent at the end of a run is still excellence.
- •Steven connects this to entrepreneurship: without mountaintops or podiums, orientation and drive vanish, leading to depression and addiction.
- •Introduces ARA: Accept (the event has happened), Remove unwanted emotion (anger, victimhood), Adapt (proactive next step).
- •Uses examples: a comrade killed within five minutes of an op (you must not go in angry), the pandemic wiping out his business overnight, and everyday frustrations like stubbing a toe.
- •Warns against taking the ‘second L’ by responding to an involuntary setback with voluntary self‑sabotage through rumination, blame, and inaction.
- 1:36:00 – 1:57:00
The Hornet’s Nest IED: Near-Death, Mass Casualties, And The Long Aftermath
On a seven-day operation into a Taliban stronghold dubbed ‘the hornet’s nest,’ Ben’s patrol is hit by a directional IED triggered from a nearby field. He is wounded but mobile, and describes the disorienting blast, mistakenly thinking he’s lost his leg, and then helping to save comrades with catastrophic neck and head injuries—men who all, remarkably, survive but with life‑changing disabilities.
- •Day one sees five comrades airlifted out after a grenade detonation; mortar fire is called in dangerously close to hold back Taliban advances.
- •Next morning feels ominous—battery acid spills on his head, a ‘bad omen,’ and normal village life (‘atmospherics’) is absent.
- •Spots two likely Taliban in black with trainers; they bolt into a field trailing a detonation wire.
- •Commander yells ‘Fucking run, now!’ but a wall beside them explodes; Ben feels intense leg pain and is concussed, initially believing he’s lost his leg as he sits on his own foot.
- •As dust clears he realises everyone is down; he crawls to commander Vicey, who is bleeding heavily from the neck and later loses a leg.
- •Another Marine sprints up and physically clamps Vicey’s artery before applying haemostatic dressing; Ben helps, then is pushed aside by the medic.
- •All casualties survive: Darlo, who had nearly swapped positions with Ben, suffers a brain injury from temple fragmentations; others have severe throat and body wounds.
- •The group later marks their ‘bangiversary,’ joking darkly about the incident—another example of cheerfulness amid trauma.
- 1:57:00 – 2:20:00
PTSD, Court Martial, And Finding New Purpose In Coaching And Values
Evacuated to Birmingham within 36 hours of the blast, Ben struggles to decompress, feeling mentally still in Afghanistan and pushing away even his mother. He falls back into alcohol and violence, is court‑martialled after defending someone in a knife incident, and only regains equilibrium when he channels his experience into leadership courses, training recruits, and later working with Gareth Southgate’s England team on mindset.
- •Describes the surreal jump from combat to a crisp white hospital bed overlooking Birmingham; resists talking, especially to his mum.
- •Back at unit, he self-medicates with alcohol, gets into fights, and is eventually court‑martialled after intervening in a knife situation.
- •Realises he needs to process Afghan properly; notes that many Marines experience a similar angry, dislocated year on return.
- •Finds new purpose as a Section Commander at CTCRM, helping recruits transform and investing his combat lessons into their development.
- •England team visit Commando Training Centre before the 2018 World Cup to ‘taste’ the world of the Marines and learn about values.
- •Ben and fellow corporals put on a tough front initially but end up having candid late‑night conversations with players like Harry Kane about scoring in front of 80,000 and what warfare feels like.
- •He helps Gareth Southgate embed courage, integrity, and humility into the squad’s culture and feels pride in their World Cup run, even without a trophy.
- 2:20:00
Medical Discharge, Grieving The Uniform, Running, And Building Lupine
Years after the IED, a stricter hearing test exposes the severe damage in Ben’s left ear, forcing a medical discharge he’d been quietly avoiding. Grieving the loss of military identity, he turns to endurance running and extreme challenges for personal fulfilment, then co-founds Lupine—an employee mental‑health pulse-check tool—applying his integrity and early-help lessons to workplace wellbeing while fighting through a near-fatal funding crunch during COVID.
- •Admits he had been ‘blagging’ hearing tests by pressing the button every three seconds until new methods revealed his deafness.
- •Feels a profound sense of loss leaving the Marines; cries on the floor choosing photos for his farewell social media post while his wife hoovers around him.
- •Books Marathon des Sables almost immediately to create a new, demanding goal and recapture the feeling of hard, meaningful challenge.
- •Discovers running as a healthy ‘escape’ and thinking space during the pandemic—no music or social media, just ideas forming on the trail.
- •Explains Lupine: integrates with Slack/Teams, asks daily mood/mental‑state questions, visualises trends on dashboards, and enables managers to spot and respond to ambers early.
- •Emphasises that integrity now includes telling colleagues when you’re not ok, so support can be calibrated rather than hidden.
- •Lupine loses almost all revenue during COVID while overheads balloon; he and his co‑founder are days from missing payroll before closing a ~£500k round seven days before failure.
- •Credits listening to founders like Steven and Dan Murray‑Serter for the belief to ‘stay in the trenches’ and keep pushing through rejection.
