The Leading Sex Expert: How To Have Great Sex EVERY Time! (And Fix Bad Sex): Tracey Cox | E247

Being too fused—doing everything together and only ever seeing each other at home—kills erotic charge. Deliberately maintain separate identities, interests, and social lives so you occasionally see your partner “in the wild” and are reminded others might desire them. That subtle sense of risk and distance makes you “lift your game” and fuels attraction.

Around two‑thirds of men have spontaneous desire (want sex, seek sex, 0‑to‑100 quickly), whereas about 30% of women are primarily responsive (desire appears only once sexy things are already happening). Many women assume their libido is ‘gone’ because they don’t feel spontaneous desire anymore, when in fact they still want sex—but only after proper warm‑up and good stimulation. Couples must adjust expectations, pacing, and initiation style accordingly.

Only ~20% of women climax from penetrative sex alone because the clitoris is largely external and shaped like a 10cm wishbone. Routine intercourse is great for the penis but often unsatisfying for the clitoris, which is why many women get bored and fake orgasms. A simple rule—“she comes first”—using fingers, oral, and/or a vibrator before intercourse radically improves female pleasure and reduces performance anxiety for men.

Small unspoken issues (e.g. premature ejaculation, lack of foreplay) can silently wreck an entire sex life, whereas almost any problem is solvable if discussed. Cox recommends the “compliment sandwich” (“I love when you… / Could we do more of… / I really enjoy when…”) and very specific requests instead of vague criticism. The first real sex talk may feel excruciating for a few minutes, but couples almost never regret having it.

If you haven’t had sex with your partner for a year, it’s statistically unlikely to simply restart without direct confrontation. Avoid the trap of planning intimidating ‘marathon’ sessions to make up for long gaps. Instead, reintroduce intimacy via small, non‑threatening “bite‑size” encounters—kissing, baths together, oral for one person only—while explicitly discussing what’s happening and whether both partners are comfortable with a low‑ or no‑sex arrangement.