The No.1 Celebrity Therapist: The WEIRD Trick To Get Your Sex Life Back! - Marisa Peer

Marisa Peer 0:00 I taught 16,000 therapists. There's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door. First of all...

Narrator 0:07 Marisa Peer.

0:07 The worldwide renowned therapist.

0:09 From royalty, international superstars, CEOs, and Olympic athletes. This woman definitely knows a thing or two thousand about how we take control of our thoughts.

Marisa Peer 0:19 80% of your success is down to your beliefs, but it also damages so many people, because if you're thinking, "I'm not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough," your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, even if it's not true. A classic example is sex. So many of my clients couldn't conceive because their husbands didn't have enough sperm. But when men have sex with a stranger, they triple their sperm count. And

Narrator 0:42 (coughs) .

Marisa Peer 0:42 ... really damages so many people, because it's an impossible expectation to live up to. So, many people have affairs, not because they don't love their partner, but because they're missing out. But it's all about what you have chosen to believe, so you've got to reverse that language. And the other thing that people do a lot, it really messes up your sex life to call your partner mummy or daddy. Because...

Steven Bartlett 1:05 Marisa, how do I avoid sugar? It seems to grab me.

Marisa Peer 1:09 Food has memories. It's not the chocolate, it's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it. And you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway. It's really easy, too.

Steven Bartlett 1:17 How?

Marisa Peer 1:18 Shall I hypnotize you so we can change it?

Steven Bartlett 1:20 Let's do it now.

Marisa Peer 1:21 Okay. Close your eyes. And here's the magic sentence that changes your life.

Steven Bartlett 1:30 I got hypnotized. In this episode, Marisa hypnotizes me to completely end my sugar cravings. And you're gonna see it happen, and you're gonna find out if it works. So stick around. Marisa, I've been trying to figure something out. I've been trying to figure out if we get to choose our beliefs.

Marisa Peer 1:56 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:57 And I, I actually wrote about this in my, my book recently. And I, I feel like you're the person to ask this question, because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs...

Marisa Peer 2:04 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 2:05 ... that we have about the world, ourselves, and everything in between. But can we choose them?

Marisa Peer 2:10 I think so. You know, when I was here last time, you asked me about my childhood, which I don't talk about a lot. It wasn't awful, but it also wasn't amazing. But the beliefs I had then are so totally different to the beliefs I have now, because I chose to give myself better beliefs. Because, you know, you make your beliefs, and then your beliefs turn right around and make you. And then, confirmation bias means you look for proof of what you have chosen to believe, and you'll find it. So if you say, "Oh, I hate cats. They're vicious things that scratch you. They're really aloof." Or, "I don't like dogs. They're barky, yappy, horrible things." Then if you believe that about a dog, and you meet a dog, you'll feel so anxious that that will become true. But if you say, "Oh, I love dogs. They're the most loyal, gorgeous, loving things," then you'll have a different energy around them. So you should choose your beliefs. You should constantly upgrade, update, question your belief, "Where

Marisa Peer 3:01 did I get that from? Is that true? Who told me that belief? And even if it's true for them, does it have to be true for me?" You know, I see a lot of women who say things like, "Well, you know, if you're really famous and rich, you'll never find a guy," because 100 years ago, that was probably true. Men didn't go for rich, successful women, 'cause they wanted them at home. But it's not true now. So, your grandmother's belief is not your belief. I love my daughters' generation who don't do body shaming or fat shaming and have a whole different language about it, which I think is so refreshing. So, you can always choose your beliefs, and you really should constantly check, "Why do I even believe that? Is it even true?" Because so often, it's not true at all, it's just something you've been taught or you've just gone along with it anyway.

Steven Bartlett 3:46 So in the case of cats, then...

Marisa Peer 3:47 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 3:48 You know, I like all animals, but, like, cats, I do think... You know, the way you described them, they're a little bit scratchy.

Marisa Peer 3:52 Yes.

Steven Bartlett 3:53 Sometimes a little bit, you know, annoying. Not as loving as dogs, maybe. I'm gonna annoy a lot of cat people here.

Marisa Peer 3:57 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 3:57 Um, if that is my belief, if I say to myself, "Okay, you know, cats are wonderful, they're lovely, uh, you know, they're fantastic, they don't scratch," et cetera, I feel like I'm just lying to myself. And I... You know, this is the case with self-belief as well.

Marisa Peer 4:09 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 4:10 That I could, I could say that...

Marisa Peer 4:12 Yes.

Steven Bartlett 4:12 ... I'm amazing and attractive and all these things.

Marisa Peer 4:14 Sure.

Steven Bartlett 4:14 But in my subconscious mind...

Marisa Peer 4:18 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 4:18 ... after getting, I don't know, bullied at seven years old by a kid...

Marisa Peer 4:21 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 4:21 ... that called me fat and whatever else...

Marisa Peer 4:23 Yes.

Steven Bartlett 4:23 ... am I just not lying to myself?

Marisa Peer 4:25 Well, I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie, cheat, and steal every day of your life. Lie to your mind, cheat fear, and steal back the confidence you were born with. So let's imagine you're going for an exam. You go, "I'm gonna fail it, I'm gonna mess it up. I've got a terrible memory. I know when I read that paper, my mind's gonna go blank and I'm gonna blow it." So that's a belief. But you could also say, "I've got a great memory. Everything I studied for this exam is in my head. When I read the paper, the questions are gonna come up and I'm gonna remember the answers. And I'm super chilled at exams. I'm cool, calm, collected. I'm gonna ace this exam." So if you repeat that over and over again, you see, the subconscious doesn't think, it just feels. And if you say, "I'm nervous, I'm so nervous," and you f- The subconscious feels that, then when you're nervous, the mind shuts down. All the blood rushes to your heart and your mind empties. It's like, if you were crossing a road and a car comes, you don't think, "Shall I go left, right, forwards, backwards?" You just move, because in fear, you don't think, you move. So when you're scared, your mind empties. I remember years ago, I was coming home and this guy was following me, and I knew he was following me, and I knew I had minutes to get in my door. And I couldn't get the key and I couldn't remember which way to... I'm like, "Oh, my God, I have all the times to forget how this key works. I lived here for five years." But I was so scared, I couldn't remember how to open my door at all. Because when you're scared, your brain empties. And so if you go into an exam going, "I'm scared, I'm nervous," you won't do well. But if you say, "I got a great memory, I love exams, I'm excited about this exam. I'm so excited I'm gonna be assessed, I'm gonna do really well," or, "I'm going to this assessment, I'm gonna ace it. This person's gonna love me and see that I'm so smart and my answers will show them that I know what I'm talking about," the mind doesn't go, "Oh, come on, that's silly." The mind goes, "Okay."... whatever you say, you make it real. Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real. The subconscious doesn't think, it only feels, and if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, then your job is to think better thoughts all the time. So, imagine you're gonna have a needle stuck in your arm. You go, "Oh, that's gonna hurt,

Marisa Peer 6:35 and that's gonna be so painful." You could... I always read my phone, and if you cough just as the needle goes in, it confuses your mind and you don't feel it. Is that lying? Or is it just taking your mind somewhere else?

Steven Bartlett 6:48 That's the... Th- 'cause I- I think if I can choose my beliefs, then I can un-choose beliefs. But I couldn't think of a-

Marisa Peer 6:54 Yeah, you can.

Steven Bartlett 6:54 ... a single belief I have now that I could genuinely un-choose.

Marisa Peer 6:57 Okay.

Steven Bartlett 6:57 I could say it-

Marisa Peer 6:58 Yes.

Steven Bartlett 6:59 ... but I think I'd still believe it.

Marisa Peer 7:01 Yeah, but the thing with the mind is... There's a couple of rules of the mind. One is... Let me give you a couple that will help you. Every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body work to make real. Every thought you think has a physical reaction and, indeed, an emotional response.

Marisa Peer 7:17 And here's another one: the mind learns by repetition. So, when you think a thought a lot, over and over again, it becomes real even if- even if it's not real. So, if you think a thought, "My neighbor's driving me crazy. They're so noisy I can never sleep. I can hear their television. They're getting on my nerves," it'll become your reality. If you say, "It's a little bit irritating, but I can put my headphones on, I can tune out," then you'll have a different reaction to the same event. You know, we don't have to change events, we have to change how we think about the events. It's like saying, "Oh, this commute to work is killing me." You know, "This- this... Being on this freeway is driving me crazy." But someone else would go, "Wow, I'd love to be on... Y- you've got a car, and you're going to a job, and you're getting paid? That's my fantasy dream come true." Don't have to change the thing. You have to change how you think about the thing. So, that is changing your beliefs. And a belief is really just a thought you think a lot. So, you're born as a blank slate. Where did you get those thoughts from? Who gave them to you? So, the beliefs you think you can't change, where do they come from? Let's do that. Now, where do the beliefs you think you can't change come from?

Steven Bartlett 8:29 So, I think one of the recurring beliefs I've had about myself-

Marisa Peer 8:33 Yes.

Steven Bartlett 8:34 ... which I think goes back a- a long- as long as I can remember, to be honest, is that I am fundamentally unorganized.

Marisa Peer 8:40 Unorganized, okay.

Steven Bartlett 8:41 And I think people will be surprised to hear that because I'm very, I'd say, productive.

Marisa Peer 8:46 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 8:47 My output is high, but the organization of my stuff, even if you looked in my bag-

Marisa Peer 8:52 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 8:52 ... it would be like a jumble sale. My house as well. If I didn't have a cleaner, I think it would be-

Marisa Peer 8:56 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 8:56 ... you know. It'll be like a bomb had gone off in there.

Marisa Peer 8:58 I heard you saying, actually, on a podcast that when you go... Your hotel room is very messy-

Steven Bartlett 9:03 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 9:03 ... and it upsets you, but not enough to make you change it.

Steven Bartlett 9:07 You've been listening. (laughs)

Marisa Peer 9:08 I have been listening.

Steven Bartlett 9:09 No, you're right. I- I think there's- there's a habit or something that I've built into myself where I think I've told myself it's faster-

Marisa Peer 9:16 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 9:16 ... to be messy.

Marisa Peer 9:16 Yes.

Steven Bartlett 9:17 And... But then, the- the dissonance or the- the issue that I take with it is that's not who I wanna be.

Marisa Peer 9:23 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 9:23 I don't wanna be a messy person. I wanna be someone who comes into their hotel room, goes into their suitcase, and hangs everything up-

Marisa Peer 9:28 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 9:29 ... so that tomorrow is easier. But what happens is I dive into the suitcase, pull my gym equipment out, and run to the gym. And it's something I want to change because it's almost like this concession in my life where I've gone, "Well, that's just who I am. I'm just a messy person."

Marisa Peer 9:42 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 9:42 And I think we all label ourselves using this.

Marisa Peer 9:44 And, of course, when you do that, now you're making it real. You say, you know, "I can't spell, but my dad couldn't spell, and now it's genetic." So, every time you say, "I'm just a messy person," the strongest force in you and everyone in the world is you must act in a way that utterly matches up with how you have chosen to define you. So, if you start by changing that and saying, "I love being organized. It gives me such joy to be or- I love putting..." so when you say it, say it, say it, it will start to change. So, over the last three weeks, I've been staying in a place with an amazing gym, and I started to love working out with really, really heavy weights 'cause, you know, I got run over and I started to get muscle wastage in my leg. I was going, "I love heavy, heavy weights. I love it." And I was really a Pilates, yoga person, but for the last three weeks, I get up and I'm in the gym at 7:30 going, "Well, I love heavy weights." And I- I didn't like it before, but I decided to s- I decided to say it over and over again. Because when you say, state, and affirm something, your mind must make it real, so all you have to do really is to start saying a lot, "I love being organized. It gives me immense joy to put stuff away. I love it when everything's in its place and I'm in a hotel. And sure, I run to the... When I come back, I put my gym kit in a particular place, and I love that feeling of being super organized." And very quickly it will start to change 'cause you're thinking a thought that your mind has no choice but to make real.

Steven Bartlett 11:07 So

Steven Bartlett 11:08 interesting.

Marisa Peer 11:09 But it's also true. You know, you think a thought wh-... And you h- your mind can't help it. It has to make... You know, we do that- we did that thing with a lemon, didn't we? Where you think you're eating a lemon. Have we ever done that?

Steven Bartlett 11:19 What's that?

Marisa Peer 11:20 Well, let's do it now.

Steven Bartlett 11:20 Oh, good.

Marisa Peer 11:21 So, put your hand in front of your mouth.

Steven Bartlett 11:23 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 11:23 Imagine you're holding half of a great big, fat, juicy lemon. Close your eyes and just put that lemon right up to your nose (inhales) and breathe in that amazing lemon smell, because nothing really smells quite like a lemon. Now, squeeze that lemon so hard so that lemon drops pucker onto the surface. Stick out your tongue. Lick off the lemon. Open your mouth really wide and shove that entire lemon into your mouth, and I want you to start sucking, and biting, and chewing all the flesh. Literally t- bite into that lemon until the lemon drops burst onto your tongue and your taste buds pucker and swell as you start to chew that lemon, suck that lemon, swirl that lemon all around your mouth. Keep eating the lemon. Suck it, chew it, swirl it around, and then open your eyes.... did you start pumping out saliva?

Steven Bartlett 12:18 Yes, I did.

Marisa Peer 12:19 And so here's a question: Was there a lemon?

Steven Bartlett 12:21 No, there was no lemon.

Marisa Peer 12:23 That's true, there was no lemon. But you could also say yes, which is (laughs) also true. They're both true. No, there wasn't, and, but, yes, there actually was. Where was it? Where was the lemon that was making you make saliva?

Steven Bartlett 12:33 In my head. (laughs)

Marisa Peer 12:34 In your head, yeah. It wasn't anywhere else, it was in your head. Just do another one. Put your, um, right arm out-

Steven Bartlett 12:39 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 12:39 ... towards me, and just swing your arm behind you as far as it will go.

Steven Bartlett 12:44 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 12:44 And have a look at where it's gone. Just look behind you to m- n- notice where it is. Bring it back. I think you went up to, like, the third book on that bookshelf.

Steven Bartlett 12:51 Okay.

Marisa Peer 12:51 I want you to imagine, close your eyes and tell your mind, "My arm's gonna go a third further. I'm now like a bendy Barbie and Ken doll. My arm is so flexible, it's going further." I want you to imagine all the muscles in your right arm becoming super flexible, like cooked pasta. Open your eyes, put your arm out, and say to your arm, "You're going a third further now."

Steven Bartlett 13:15 You're going a third further now.

Marisa Peer 13:15 "You're like a pretzel-"

Steven Bartlett 13:16 Like a pretzel.

Marisa Peer 13:17 "... you're super flexible."

Steven Bartlett 13:18 "Super flexible."

Marisa Peer 13:19 "Go a third further."

Steven Bartlett 13:20 "Go a th- third further."

Marisa Peer 13:21 Swing your arm back, and just watch as it goes a third further. Now, look at how far it's gone.

Steven Bartlett 13:26 Hmm.

Marisa Peer 13:26 You were only up to the third book before, so what happened then?

Steven Bartlett 13:32 Um, I just believed my arm was gonna go further.

Marisa Peer 13:37 And it did.

Steven Bartlett 13:38 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 13:38 And, you see, and for men... I get men who say, "You know what? I- I can't please my wife. I can't get an erection. I- I can't keep it going, and- and she's gonna leave me." And if I tell them other things, you know, "You're a great lover, you can maintain an erection for 20 minutes, or 10 minutes, or f- the average is about four and a half minutes," that starts to happen. They don't do anything else except listen to a recording that says, "You will have longer erections, you can have a great sex life, you can wait until your partner orgasms," and it all becomes true. Because every time they say, "But I can't do it. It's all over in a minute. I can't please her or him," they actually make that real. But when you just change a thought... You know, there's a song called Love Changes Everything by Clemmy Fisher, but actually, thoughts change everything. When you think a thought, it's such a game-changer.

Steven Bartlett 14:29 Erections. (laughs)

Marisa Peer 14:32 Yes.

Steven Bartlett 14:32 It's so interesting because, in my friendship group with my male friends, we've spoken about sex life, libido-

Marisa Peer 14:39 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 14:40 ... erections a lot.

Marisa Peer 14:41 Of course, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 14:43 Um, we've all struggled in different ways, at different times-

Marisa Peer 14:45 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 14:46 ... with this. And it- it's one of the areas in life where it's so clear to me that thoughts are (laughs) the problem and the solution.

Marisa Peer 14:55 Yeah, because again, if a man thinks about sex, looks at pictures, looks at a movie, and gets aroused, you get a very physical reaction straight away, even if there's no one in the room with you. So, that's a classic example of thinking a thought about being aroused, turned on, feeling sexually attracted, and your body makes it real even if there's no one there. And it can be at a wedding, it can be an event, it can be highly embarrassing for a guy to get an erection in the wrong place. But if you think a thought, "I'm turned on here," the body makes... It does it for women too, but it's not so obvious for us, we can kinda hide it. But yes, it's the thought, "I can't do it. I can. I'm gonna fail. I'm gonna succeed."

Steven Bartlett 15:33 Do you work with people often that have sexual dysfunction?

Marisa Peer 15:37 All the time.

Steven Bartlett 15:39 Is it becoming more popular or more prevalent, in your view?

Marisa Peer 15:43 I think people are more able to talk about it. A lot of, a lot of women come in and say, "I can't orgasm, I'm- I'm, I can't orgasm at all. I don't know what to do. All my friends are having massive orgasms, but me, the more I try, the harder it is." I don't think that's true. Apparently, our grandmothers had more sex than us. But I think now we have all this pressure. We watch porn, we watch other people talking about their amazing sex, we think, "Oh, I- I'm not like that." But it's very easy to make your body super orgasmic, but I think before, we didn't talk about that. My grandmother would've never talked about orgasms or having a designer vagina or a Brazilian... She didn't even know what that was. So, we're in a different generation now, where, you know, every year there's another way to hate your body. Even your genitals have got to be perfect now. And I think it's so much pressure for people, "I've gotta look like a porn star, have sex like a porn star." And porn really damages so many people, because it's such an impossible expectation to live up to.

Steven Bartlett 16:42 Seems that pressure, as it relates to sex-

Marisa Peer 16:44 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 16:45 ... is like the antithesis, it's the enemy of-

Marisa Peer 16:47 Yeah, of course.

Steven Bartlett 16:47 ... especially for... I can only speak from a guy's perspective, 'cause that's what I've ever been. But if there's ever pressure-

Marisa Peer 16:53 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 16:53 ... in the bedroom, there is zero chance I'm getting an erection.

Marisa Peer 16:55 Of course, 'cause-

Steven Bartlett 16:56 Okay.

Marisa Peer 16:56 ... comparisonism is the thief of joy, and we're so busy comparing ourselves to porn stars and someone who looks like the Kardashians or has a perfect body and everything's perfect, and it's not really like that.

Steven Bartlett 17:09 Have you ever worked with men that have, um, sexual dysfunction issues or erectile dysfunction?

Marisa Peer 17:12 Yeah, I've... a lot of men with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, all of it.

Steven Bartlett 17:17 I've got a friend who... I would say, "If it was me-"

Marisa Peer 17:21 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 17:21 ... okay? Because I feel like I- I- I like to be honest here.

Marisa Peer 17:22 (laughs) Everyone's got a friend. It's always about friends.

Steven Bartlett 17:24 Yeah, I know. It sounds like I'm talking about someone... like talking about myself. But there's a couple of things I'll talk about from my own perspective-

Marisa Peer 17:29 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 17:29 ... in the sexual department. But, um, my friend was in a relationship. He was in the relationship for a couple of years, and then halfway through the relationship, he could no longer keep an erection-

Marisa Peer 17:39 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 17:39 ... and he was talking to me a lot about it. And then, he ended up ending the relationship because he had convinced himself it was impossible to change that.

Marisa Peer 17:47 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 17:48 And in fact, I know a lot of guys that struggle with this.

Marisa Peer 17:50 Hmm.

Steven Bartlett 17:50 And there was a point where I was one of them-

Marisa Peer 17:52 Okay.

Steven Bartlett 17:52 ... where I'd just seem to get this thought in my head about sex, and I struggled to- to keep an erection, but also just to keep myself-

Marisa Peer 18:02 Hmm.

Steven Bartlett 18:04 ... to want sex.

Marisa Peer 18:05 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 18:08 There's gonna be people listening to this right now that are in that situation-

Marisa Peer 18:11 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 18:11 ... where something has just changed.

Marisa Peer 18:12 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 18:13 Every time they go to bed, it's just this high-pressure situation.

Marisa Peer 18:15 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 18:16 Um, they- they can't get an erection, therefore they're avoidant of having sex.

Marisa Peer 18:20 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 18:20 What do you say to those people?

Marisa Peer 18:22 You know, it's really interesting because we- we want intimacy. We think, "Oh, I wanna fall in love with someone that finishes my sentences, that knows when I'm hungry, that knows when I'm having a bad day, that just knows me inside out and loves my very soul." Which is wonderful, but what great sex requires is mystery. What eroticism requires is not intimacy at all. So in the beginning, even for the first... It's all new. You don't know what they're gonna do, how they're gonna do it. It's all very exciting. It's all new. And so for men, especially, you know, it's great maybe for the first two years, and then it's like, "Oh." Like one of my clients said, "Every time my husband comes to bed with just his pajama top on, I know he wants sex, but it's so unromantic." I mean, he just doesn't bother to put the pajama bottoms on. It's like, "Oh, God. Is that his idea of foreplay?" I mean. And people say, you know, "It's always every Saturday morning before we go and do the food shop, and it's so predictable." Many people have affairs not because they don't love their partner, but because they're missing out. So you have intimacy-

Narrator 19:20 Which is like the love...

Marisa Peer 19:22 ... being in love, and knowing each other, and loving each other, and you know, not caring if your wife got her period, or your husband's got a bit of bad breath, or they're tired, or they've got a cold. You just love them anyway. But then you have eroticism, which is amazing sex, great sex. And eroticism really likes mystery, suspense, a bit of edginess, a bit of naughtiness, a bit of the unknown. And they don't go together. They really don't go together at all. But there is one thing that makes them go together, and that's called fantasy. There's a bridge that links eroticism to intimacy, and this is eroticism, and it's called fantasy. People think, "Oh, isn't that being unfaithful to my partner? Surely I shouldn't fantasize." But actually, Fifty Shades of Grey, which was not a great book at all, but it taught people a lot about, "Oh, I can fantasize. I can read this book, and I can pretend I'm Anastasia with Mr. Grey." And it- that book did so well because it allowed people to fantasize. And so if you have a relationship of 30 years... I mean, I'm great friends with John and Missy Book, who've been married for 35 years.

Narrator 20:25 Who are they?

Marisa Peer 20:25 They're a couple that created Lifebook. They ve- they live in Hawaii, but they talk a lot about how they have a very erotic sex life after 35 years. It's like red hot. But they understand it's all about a bit of mystery, bit of drama, bit of suspense. I'm very lucky that my husband and I travel all over the world, so we never have a Saturday night, Saturday morning, let's have sex, then go to Sainsbury's. That's just not in our agenda. So we always have a bit of newness going on. But for men, even if you love your partner so much, when it becomes predictable, it's like the thrill goes. You know that song about where's the thrill gone? I've lost the thrill. The thrill isn't there. So you have to put a bit of work back into making your sex life thrilling and moving it away. And so it's- it's hard when you love someone, but you know everything about them and they about you. And it's like, "Well, there's no newness here." People say, "You know, I go on holiday, we have great sex." Why is that? Well, you're not thinking about the laundry or anything else. You can just really let go, and you're in a different place, and you can be someone else. You often hear about people going on holiday, like girls to Ibiza and going wild, and then they would never be like that at home, because it gives you a chance to be someone else. So sometimes in your sex life, you have to take that chance and use drama, mystery, suspense, edginess. Just like I was telling one of my clients, she said, "I went home... I went home and said to my husband, 'Dominate me.'" He said, "What shall I do?" She went, "Well, dominate me." He said, "Yeah, but what?" She says, "Well, that's the point. Don't ask me what... How can you dominate me if I have to tell you what to do? I want to feel overpowered by your maleness. And when you say, 'Well, what shall I do?' You're more like a girl than a boy, and I don't like that." Because of course opposites attract, especially in sex. Even if we're a same-sex relationships, opposites attract, and that's very exciting. When people are together a long time, they try to make their partner like them, and they forget that opposites attract. So if you keep trying to make your partner like you, and they keep trying to make you like them, then you haven't got the opposites attracting anymore, and then it kind of disappears. And the other thing that people do a lot... I mean, my grandmother used to call her husband dad or daddy, and that was a bit weird, but that was maybe her... It- it wasn't a sexual thing. She'd say, "Come on dad, get out of the way," and, "What do you want for tea, Dad?" And they- they had no sex at all. She thought that was the most disgusting thing in the world. But the minute your partner becomes mommy or daddy... And many women, in the best of intentions, say things like, "Have you taken your vitamins today?" You know, "Wear a coat, it's gonna get cold. Did you pay the bill? I knew you wouldn't do that." You're becoming either critical mommy or loving mommy. And then we have the opposite, some men who are very controlling and say, "You can't have that. You're not gonna have that," they become controlling daddy. And the minute your partner is in any way mommy or daddy, you can't have sex with them, because who wants to have sex with their parents? That's really weird. And many people don't realize how, as they say, in a long relationship, they take on the role of critical parent, blaming parent, judging parent, and then you have no desire left. So you've gotta be very careful not to let that happen, and especially when you have children and then you say, "Mommy, can you get Andy a, um, a tissue? Da- daddy, can you get Susie her gym bag?" And even though you don't mean it, you're now saying mommy, daddy. People do that with their pets even. "Daddy, get, um, take Toby for a walk," or "Mommy, take..." And it's like, it really messes up your sex life to call your partner mommy or daddy.

Narrator 23:58 So interesting.

Marisa Peer 23:59 It is, isn't it?

Narrator 24:00 Even though when you were saying then about-

Marisa Peer 24:02 Yeah.

Narrator 24:02 ... the lady that came home and said to her partner, "Dominate me," and he went, "How?"

Marisa Peer 24:06 No, he said, "What shall I do?" (laughs)

Narrator 24:07 Yeah, which is like... It's- it's the antithesis of domination, but-

Marisa Peer 24:11 Yeah.

Narrator 24:11 ... it kind of speaks to-

Steven Bartlett 24:13 ... 10 years of him-

Marisa Peer 24:15 Mm.

Steven Bartlett 24:15 ... just trying to please her-

Marisa Peer 24:16 Yeah, but also-

Steven Bartlett 24:17 ... in any way he can?

Marisa Peer 24:17 ... it, it is bad commun- She should have said, "Hey, you know..." What you do with a p- you do the sandwich and go, "Hey, you know, we've been together for seven or eight years and we're great, but you know I've got this thing, I would love you to dominate me like this. I'd love you to pretend to be the postman or the gardener or I'd love you to pretend to be someone. It would really excite me if you could do that, because then it would just be exciting." And then, they go, "Oh, okay, I get it. I've gotta pretend to be the postman or the gardener or..." You know, there were a lot of women who couldn't conceive, and this is where I learnt this from, so many of my clients couldn't conceive 'cause their husbands didn't have enough sperm, but when men have sex with a stranger, they triple their sperm outtake, and when women have sex with a stranger, their cervix tilts to suck up the sperm. So when I realized this, there's a great book called Sperm Wars that tells you all about... I thought, "Okay." So I wrote my client and said, "Okay, this is what you've gotta do. You've gotta go home and pretend you're, I don't know, an air stewardess, and your husband... But you mustn't speak, because that's gonna ruin it, and then have sex but make... Have some kind of fun. Go to a hotel..." Of course, the men love it. "Oh, I'm supposed to talk?" "No, (laughs) no talking. Just act out this fantasy, because he will triple his sperm outtake, your cervix will tilt, and it's like, it's like IUI, it's like, um, you have more sperm." And so many of my clients said, "Well, I got pregnant, you know. I've tried all this other..." Going up the road to the Holiday Inn, pretended he was, like, the plumber or anything at all, and that worked. We got pregnant like that, because he made so much more sperm. And so isn't that interesting? That wasn't about fantasy, it was about how can you get more sperm? How can you become more fertile? What can you do? And these were just silly little things that help men and women who were trying really hard to ev- had a low sperm count get pregnant.

Steven Bartlett 25:59 Why does that happen? Why does the sperm count triple and the cervix tilt?

Marisa Peer 26:03 Well, let's imagine, you know, that we're in a tribe and there's some people there. And nature... The, the human species must go on, so for men, when they impregnate the same person over and over again, they've made her pregnant many times, but a new person, if you can get a new person pregnant straight away, that's how the human race continues. You know, one of my friends was telling me this story about in New Zealand with the rams, and he says, "You know, you would buy the male rams and you'd drive them to the field." And they could smell the females, so they started ramming the door, that's why they're called rams, and when you finally get there, you open the gate and they charge out and have sex with every female. And when they come back, they've lost half their body weight in a really bad way, but they have to have sex with every single female, um, every ewe. So it's just an evolutionary sort of making sure the species goes on.

Steven Bartlett 26:54 So what does that say about monogamy?

Marisa Peer 26:56 But this is not... Nature doesn't care, nature cares about the species continuing. Nature doesn't care about monogamy. It, uh, its role is to make sure we continue. But yes, of course we want to be monogamous, so what do you do? We use that very thing. If, if being with someone new excites me and gets me going, why can't I pretend my partner's someone new? And of course you can. You can do all kinds of great things. You can introduce newness. Don't always have sex in the same place at the same time. It's a little tiny bit of effort, but do something to make it new and exciting.

Steven Bartlett 27:29 So you would recommend spending time apart as well?

Marisa Peer 27:32 Yes. I'm, I mean, I've been with my husband for 15 years. We've only spent 11 days apart, and we work together, so we... You know that thing about living over the shop? So we work together, we're together all the time, but we have a great sex life because he, we both understand what makes it tick, which isn't necessarily being apart, but yeah, being apart's great too because you can't wait to come back to that person.

Steven Bartlett 27:56 A lot of people will listen to all of this and think, "God, I'd love, I'd love to do that. I want him to turn me into a maid and tie me up and surprise me or whatever, but if I even mention this to him, he would look at me like I've got, you know, a tail or, uh, look at me like I was weird."

Marisa Peer 28:12 Mm. Well, part of having a great relationship is doing for the other. So I would... If I said to my husband, "I'm not hungry, so we're not eating. I'm not tired, so we're not going to bed. I'm not cold, so the heating's not coming on," he'd look at me like I was mad, because part of that is, "I'm not really hungry, but you wanna go out for dinner? We'll go." And I really wanna go to this event, or I don't wanna wa- go to a football match or what- but, but y- it's important to you, so I will go, because in a relationship you do for each other. So if your partner says, "I would love you to put on a little maid's outfit and run around with a duster. It would be so amazing." You know, "Ugh, I don't wanna do that. Isn't that drugly?" Do you think, "Well, maybe I could just try it once. If I don't like it, I never have to do it again. Maybe it would be red-hot." It's not about being objectified. So if you love someone, and assuming their fantasy isn't dangerous or painful or super weird, why not just see if you can do it? And then, then you can say, "Hey, if I do that, you can do this," because it's trading all the time, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's the same thing. My hus- if I'm tired, my husband will say, "I'm gonna make you something to eat," or, "I'm gonna drive you. I'm gonna do that for you," because he loves me, and I'm the same with him. But people think, "Oh, I, I shouldn't... Why should I have sex? I'm tired. Why should I do that?" And the worst thing is they say, "I don't want sex anymore," so you can never have sex again either, which is very weird, because why would you condemn your partner to no sex ever just 'cause you don't wanna have sex? And imagine if it was the other way around, because isn't a relationship doing for each other even if it's not really your thing?

Steven Bartlett 29:43 I think this is fascinating. I looked at the back end of our YouTube channel, and it says that since this channel started, 69.9% of you that watch it frequently haven't yet hit the subscribe button. So I have a favor to ask you. If you've ever watched this channel and enjoyed the content, if you're enjoying this episode right now, please can I ask a small favor? Please hit the subscribe button. Helps this channel more than I can explain, and I promise if you do that, to return the favor we will make this show better and better and better and better and better. That's a promise I'm willing to make to you if you hit the subscribe button. Do we have a deal?I've got so many questions to ask on this 'cause I'm just thinking about all the conversations I've had with my friends recently about sex in their relationships. And I've got another friend-

Marisa Peer 30:23 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 30:24 ... who is in, in a relationship. It's become a sexless relationship. He's staying with her, I think, in part-

Marisa Peer 30:30 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 30:30 ... because, because she's really nice.

Marisa Peer 30:33 But why has it become sexless?

Steven Bartlett 30:35 Um, that's a good question, I, that I wouldn't know, and without asking him... But I'll tell you what he's, he's told me. He's told me how much he wants to have sex with other people.

Marisa Peer 30:44 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 30:45 And he actually described it as like a temptation that he just-

Marisa Peer 30:49 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 30:50 He, it's like as if he's possessed.

Marisa Peer 30:52 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 30:53 He says every five minutes, someone will walk past and I think about having sex with them. Like, he's absolutely-

Marisa Peer 30:56 Okay.

Steven Bartlett 30:56 ... obsessed with it.

Marisa Peer 30:57 But not with her?

Steven Bartlett 30:58 Not with her.

Marisa Peer 31:00 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 31:00 He wants to settle down-

Marisa Peer 31:02 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 31:02 ... because he's at an age and phase of life where he feels that he kinda needs to hurry up.

Marisa Peer 31:08 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 31:08 It's what, these are just words that I'm repeating that he's-

Marisa Peer 31:10 Sure.

Steven Bartlett 31:10 ... he's told me. And so he feels a bit stuck-

Marisa Peer 31:13 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 31:13 ... where he's got this partner who wants to settle down. He clearly doesn't wanna settle down and he's thinking about having sex with everyone else, and he's not having sex with her.

Marisa Peer 31:21 Yeah, and that's how he's escaping. He probably doesn't want to settle down and have children, but feels he should.

Steven Bartlett 31:27 Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like he wants to be a, become a success first.

Marisa Peer 31:29 And now he's thinking about having sex. That's his way out, you know. Oh, he c- he can't say to her, "Look, you know, I love you, but I'm not ready for that. That, five years down the line for me." So his mind is doing it, he thinks he wants to have sex with everyone but her.

Steven Bartlett 31:42 And he feels pressured-

Marisa Peer 31:42 And his mind, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 31:43 ... 'cause of this time thing.

Marisa Peer 31:44 'Cause his mind is saying, "You're not ready. You're not ready." You know, often we have dreams that say, "I'm not ready," or, "Wow, I thought I wanted to do this, but my dream said, 'Oh, no, you don't wanna do that at all.'" But the desire he's having with other people is his body saying, "You are not ready to be with her. You'll be with anyone else but her." And you should really just tell her the truth and say, "Look, I'm not at that stage you're at. I'm, I'm just not ready for that yet." 'Cause e- you see, when the, you can't open your mouth and say, "I'm not ready," or, "I'm not comfortable," or, "I'm not happy," the body goes, "I'll do it. I'll do it for you." And I see that with all my clients, not just sexually, when you can't say... One of my clients told me years ago that he got fired from his job and he couldn't tell his wife, so every day he put up his, picked up his briefcase and went and sat in the park, and then he got really sick. And then she said, "You're so sick, you can't go, you'll have to resign." He went, "Okay." And he never had to tell her that he'd lost his job because the body made him so ill that he would've lost his job anyway. So you know, I love this expression, "The feeling that cannot find its expression in tears will make other organs weep." And so he's got a feeling that he can't express, and when you can't open your mouth and go, "I don't wanna do that," the body says, "I'll do it for you." And it finds really peculiar, obscure, often really unhelpful ways of doing it for us.

Steven Bartlett 33:06 How does he know, though, that it's a case of him not being ready? Or even in my case, when I was 24, 25 years old, I would just self-sabotage any sign of commitment, so-

Marisa Peer 33:17 Well, let's talk about that. So let's-

Steven Bartlett 33:19 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 33:19 ... go back. You were 24 years old.

Steven Bartlett 33:21 Oh, for my entire, I mean, it starts at 14.

Marisa Peer 33:23 Mm-hmm. Starts at 14. Well, you're not being committed-

Steven Bartlett 33:25 Which is when you start dating.

Marisa Peer 33:25 ... at four, yeah, 14-

Steven Bartlett 33:26 When you start fancying people.

Marisa Peer 33:26 ... to 24, and you fancy people and you're a very good-looking guy.

Steven Bartlett 33:30 Thank you very much, myself.

Marisa Peer 33:30 And you've obviously had some relationships. Tell me about the self-sabotage.

Steven Bartlett 33:35 It started with Jasmine.

Marisa Peer 33:36 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 33:37 Jasmine was with a guy called... I probably shouldn't name him, but I'll call him John.

Marisa Peer 33:41 Mm-hmm. Jasmine and John, sounds like a children's book.

Steven Bartlett 33:44 Jasmine and John, they were in a relationship.

Marisa Peer 33:45 Right.

Steven Bartlett 33:45 I really fancied Jasmine. Uh, she's gonna hear this, but she knows already. Fancied her for about three years, pursued her doggedly from like 14-

Marisa Peer 33:51 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 33:51 ... till 17, really 18. And there was a day where, like, Jasmine gave me a chance finally.

Marisa Peer 33:59 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 33:59 She was in a relationship with this guy called John. Um, and on that day, I got terrified.

Marisa Peer 34:06 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 34:06 And I kind of remember persuading her out of it.

Marisa Peer 34:10 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 34:10 Even though I'd pursued her for years.

Marisa Peer 34:12 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 34:12 And then as I look through my early sort of 20s, the same sort of-

Marisa Peer 34:15 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 34:15 ... recurring behavior pattern showed up where I would, at any sign of commitment, I would come up with a reason why I couldn't commit.

Marisa Peer 34:22 Sure.

Steven Bartlett 34:22 "I'm busy. I need to become a millionaire."

Marisa Peer 34:24 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 34:24 "This will get in the way of my work." Da, da, da, da, da.

Marisa Peer 34:27 So what you were doing was the oldest trick in the book. You pursued Jasmine, she wasn't available, she was with someone else. When she became available, you, you thought, "Oh, no," because now she could reject you, now she could say... When she was with someone else, it was a dream, "I'd love to get that girl." When you had the chance, it's like, "Oh, she could find out I'm not worthy. She could find out I'm not good enough."

Steven Bartlett 34:46 I can at least give some context, yeah.

Marisa Peer 34:46 Sorry?

Steven Bartlett 34:47 I can give you context as to how it felt. The idea-

Marisa Peer 34:49 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 34:49 ... of commitment felt like prison.

Marisa Peer 34:50 Of course. Yeah, you've, you've said that before.

Steven Bartlett 34:53 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 34:53 And so of course if your end goal is commitment is prison, being stuck with one person is prison, your mind says, "I've gotta get you out of this." So it's all fine to have flings with people, but the minute commitment comes up, you back out because that's going to jail. You don't wanna do that. So that's really normal when you say things like, "Oh, I'm gonna be tied down. I'm nailed down. Oh, that's it now, no more fun." And then people say things like, "You two are one now," and, "May all your problems be little ones." And, and sometimes we don't like that. It's like, "Oh, I don't like that idea." And all the vows about to love, honor, and obey, to forsake all others, we think, "Do I really want that?" But you were adamant that you didn't want that, that a relationship was prison. So when you tell your mind, "I don't want it," the mind must get you out of it. If you say, "Oh, God. I've got to give that speech. I don't wanna do it, I don't wanna do it, I don't wanna do it," don't be surprised on the day of the speech you wake up with chronic diarrhea, a terrible cold, and migraine in your mind 'cause you said you didn't wanna go, and, "I'm so cool, I got you out of it." Because the mind listens, every thought you think, it listens to it. It's like a genie or wish, is it's come answer your wishes are, "I don't wanna be in prison of commitment. I'm happy to date," but when it gets a little bit serious, the mind goes, "Let me get you out of this." And we don't do it in logical ways, you know, self-sabotage, procrastination, and nothing more than the fear of either not being enough or not wanting to go where you think you're going. You know, there are people who apply for a job, get it, and they never turn up on the first day, or think, "God, I worked for that, and now I don't want it. I thought I wanted this. I don't want it. I thought I wanted that person. I actually don't want them."And so for you, the thought that a relationship is prison is so powerful that it would make every relationship unravel, including Jasmine. So now let's go back to your friend.

Steven Bartlett 36:49 Yeah. So how does he know that it's not just some, like, I don't know, unresolved traumatic issue that's stopping him being avoidant of committing to that individual, or if that individual's not right? And I think it's the- the case with, like,

Steven Bartlett 37:04 jobs and relationships and everything in our life. How do we know that it's not just some trauma response that we're having, or if the thing we're avoiding or rejecting is actually not right for us?

Marisa Peer 37:15 I think you know when you think, "Okay, my life without this

Marisa Peer 37:19 person, would it be better or worse?" Or I don't... If I have an argument with my husband, we don't argue a lot, but I always imagine my life without him, and it's so much worse than my life with him. Occasionally he annoys me. He's got some... He can put, get a tea bag and have it in ov- every surface of the kitchen in, like, three minutes flat. I will say, "Wow, how do you do that? I just don't understand how you can do that." But you have to pick your battles in a relationship. And when he really annoys me, I just think, "Okay, imagine if he wasn't here." And that, I thought, "Oh no, I wouldn't like that." Maybe not here for a couple of hours, but forever? So you know because of how you feel. But you see, you know, we're all taught this, you know, you found your other half, but you're not a half. You're a whole, you can't find another half to complete you 'cause you're not half a person. But a lot of us are taught, you know, you're gonna find the handsome prince and you're gonna live happily ever after. Well, that- that isn't true. There's never one person ever that could complete you or meet all your needs. And so you have to be a realistic. In a relationship, you have to put your needs into three parts. Okay, I've got a need. My husband must always tell me where he is. He must call me. He must tell me when he's coming... If it's 2:00 in the morning and I don't know where he is, I don't like that. He must be honest. Honesty is a non-negotiable need for me. So that's a need that has to be met. Need for tidiness? Is that really important? I can do it myself. You know, by the time I have an argument with him about the tea bag, I've already put it in the bin and put a bit of bleach on the kitchen counter and it's all done. So the second lot of needs, you might have to meet those needs. The need to have a tidy kitchen, the need to have, I don't know, organic groceries delivered. Maybe you can do it. It's sometimes you've gotta pick your battles. And the third set of needs, you've just gotta give those up. Some needs are just not important enough to fight about. You know, my daughter is an artist. And artists are very messy, and if you go and look at the mess, they go, "Uh, what mess? I can't even see it." So with my daughter, the need to ha- her to have a tidy bedroom, I learned to shut the door. Don't even go in there. And if I go in there, I go, "Well, she's happy." Do I need to have a happy daughter or a tidy daughter's bedroom? A happy daughter is actually more important. So some needs you must have your partner

Marisa Peer 39:26 meet, some you've got to meet, and some just give them away. It's really not, not worth arguing about.

Steven Bartlett 39:32 You reminded me when you talked there about thinking about meeting Prince Charming in perfection.

Marisa Peer 39:37 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 39:37 I went into a bookshop the other day, um, as I sometimes do, just for inspiration-

Marisa Peer 39:41 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 39:41 ... you know, and I bumped into a lady who recognized me. Um, I actually took a photo of her 'cause the conversation really stayed with me. It's not, it's not often that I take a photo of-

Marisa Peer 39:49 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 39:49 ... with someone else. I said, "Please, can I have a photo with you just so I remember this conversation?" And what she said to me in that conversation was reminiscent of many other conversations I've had. She was a, a woman, she's just over the age of 30. I think she was 32, 31. And she was actually in that bookshop looking for a book that would help her solve her romantic and relationship issues. She said, she said to me, which is a message I've heard before from close friends of mine, "I'm over 30 now. I'm looking for a guy. I've never been in a relationship. I've been working very, very, very hard."

Marisa Peer 40:17 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 40:18 She says she's excelling in her career. "People have told me to, that I just need to go to the gym and work out, and I've tried that."

Marisa Peer 40:25 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 40:25 "Um, and I still can't find this person."

Marisa Peer 40:26 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 40:26 And I, and I... And the other sentence I remember, she said, "I don't wanna settle."

Marisa Peer 40:30 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 40:30 And I've got people close to me in my life, many people that have... are in almost identical situations.

Marisa Peer 40:34 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 40:34 So much so that I sent that photo with her to those people and said, "I've just met you in a bookshop." And it-

Marisa Peer 40:40 Wow.

Steven Bartlett 40:40 And it helped me to actually understand them better-

Marisa Peer 40:42 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 40:42 ... because to know that there's many, many people that are in that situation, then they've got this kind of societal clock ticking-

Marisa Peer 40:49 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 40:49 ... that's saying, "You better do it quickly."

Marisa Peer 40:51 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 40:52 What would you have said to her to help her?

Marisa Peer 40:54 So I would have said, "First of all, what are you doing?" People say to me, "I'm looking for love." "Really? Okay, that's great. Where are you looking? Where- where are you going?" They go, "Well, I go to yoga." "Any men there?" "Not really."

Steven Bartlett 41:03 Oh, you reminded me of something she said. She said, "I've tried dating apps. Those don't work."

Marisa Peer 41:06 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 41:06 "People tell me to meet people-"

Marisa Peer 41:07 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 41:08 "... in public, but how do you do that?"

Marisa Peer 41:09 Yeah. So people tell me they're looking for love all the time. "I'm looking for love." "Where are you looking? Describe your weekend." "I went to yoga." "Any men in the yoga class?" "Not really. And then I went to my friend's house, and then I went to a book reading thing." "Any men there?" "Not really. And then I went out with all my girlfriends. We all look the same. We all went to the same bar." Lot of competition. So actually you're not looking for love at all, 'cause you're going to places where men

Marisa Peer 41:32 aren't. And then men say, "I'm looking for love." "Where are you going?" "I'm in the weight room." "Any women there?" They're all in the yoga class. So if you really want to find love, you've got to be proactive. First of all, sit down and think, what kind of person do you want? I mean, what qualities do they have? What are you looking for? You know, normally you say, "I'm- I'm looking to buy a house." Well, I never, I never go to an estate agent and look at the brochures. I just think the house will turn up. "I'm looking for a job. I'm actually going to yoga. I'm going to... Oh, I'm not going for any interviews." We say, "Well, you're not really looking for a job, are you?" When I look for a house, I've got brochures coming in. I'm going to look at, I'm going to look at houses till I find the right one. So if you want love, sit down and think about what you want. Make a list. Don't be doing the six-pack and gorgeous or a 10. Think of the qualities. What is this person like? And then decide what is that person looking for? You might have to up your game a bit. And then think about where is this person. They're not in yoga, but they're somewhere. And once you've decided that you're worth love, that's the- the most important bit, and you can put yourself around people, you'll find love easily. But we're so busy trying to...... change ourselves, so you have to take some time, because the only thing you need to do to find love is, first of all, every day say, "I'm worthy of love. I am worthy of being loved. I deserve to be deeply loved and I am worth it." And if you think, "Ooh, when I say that, I feel really stupid," then say it more until you don't feel stupid, until you think, "No, actually it's sinking in now. It's like putting lotion on my skin. It is going in, it is having an impact." So say it, state it, affirm it a lot: "I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. I'm... Who couldn't love me? I'm deserving of love." And then, when you've got that part right and you know that a f-... You don't think, "I hope when I go on a date I'm good enough for them," well, what about thinking are they good enough for you? So you gotta reframe that. Don't keep saying, "I, I gotta make myself. I've gotta chase love, pursue love, get in shape to find love, be perfect to find love." You gotta find love just by being you. So work on knowing you're worth it. That's an... 80% of your success will come down to having an "I'm worth it" mindset. Think of the person, but think of where they are, and then get out of the yoga and go to the weights room if you're a girl. If you're a guy, get out of the weights room, go to the yoga. Put yourself around the people you want to be with, and you'll end up with them.

Steven Bartlett 43:57 She did say a line to me, which I've just remembered, which is, "I've started to think that there's something wrong with me."

Marisa Peer 44:01 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 44:02 And it's... There is c- a clear pattern in the people who are in that situation that I know-

Marisa Peer 44:06 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 44:06 ... that have started to engage in vocal s- negative self-talk-

Marisa Peer 44:10 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 44:10 ... and self-disparagement.

Marisa Peer 44:11 And apps, of course, there's so much. It's like going to a Chinese restaurant with a menu that's 20 pages thick. "Oh, I don't even know what to have now. There's so much variety. I've, I've... Now I've got to page 20, I've forgotten what was on page one." If you go to a restaurant with a little menu, you think, "Okay, I'm gonna have that." So apps with masses of variety, lots of people. I mean, they show you a good thing. How many people are looking for love just like you? So you're not weird or a freak. Apps are good to show you, "Wow, all these people, good-looking people, are looking for love." But maybe come away from the apps and, and start to talk to people. You know, talk to people.

Steven Bartlett 44:45 I was just thinking as you were talking about dating apps, I've never been a prolific dating app person, 'cause I've, I've been busy, but also I'd never had success on them until people knew who I was sort of in a public capacity-

Marisa Peer 44:55 Hmm.

Steven Bartlett 44:55 ... and then you can't, I can't use them anyway, so.

Marisa Peer 44:57 No.

Steven Bartlett 44:57 But going back 10 years, I do remember using dating apps, swiping through-

Marisa Peer 45:01 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 45:01 ... and you'd see, like, really beautiful people and be like, "Oh, I want that one." You'd swipe right on them, and then the ones that would swipe left on you would ju- you know, they were just not the ones you were looking for.

Marisa Peer 45:10 Sure.

Steven Bartlett 45:11 And because you understand the value of anything by the context in which you see it, by seeing 50 beautiful people-

Marisa Peer 45:17 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 45:18 ... but then getting the ones that are less than, even if there was less than people. It's not, not, not, not way, not a nice way to describe them. The ones you didn't desire-

Marisa Peer 45:24 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 45:25 ... um, are perfectly okay, because you've seen them in a context where you've seen-

Marisa Peer 45:30 Of course.

Steven Bartlett 45:30 ... supermodels-

Marisa Peer 45:30 Less than, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 45:31 ... you're never gonna value them.

Marisa Peer 45:32 Yeah. Of course.

Steven Bartlett 45:34 And also, you know, I was thinking about the people that are going on those dates that are searching for, for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right-

Marisa Peer 45:42 Hmm.

Steven Bartlett 45:42 ... are we less valuable when, when we're in search

Steven Bartlett 45:44 of something?

Marisa Peer 45:45 Yeah, definitely. You, you-

Steven Bartlett 45:46 That's the problem, right?

Marisa Peer 45:47 Well, it's a, it's... One thing is to say, "Hey, you know, I'm... I've got a great life, and I've decided, you know, I'm ready to be with someone amazing. I wanna share my life with someone who wants to share their..." But I'm quite... "I'm okay if I don't find them. I got a great life, but I'm, I'm kind of open to finding the right person now." It's rather different to p- n- needy. "I need someone to complete me. I don't wanna be on my own. I hate being alone." Really?

Steven Bartlett 46:11 "... I, I need to find my mate, my partner." So you almost need to be at a level where you, you're happy and you've got a great life, but you want to share it, rather than, "I'm incomplete without that person. There's something wrong with me." People used to say to me, "Why are you not married?" I'd say, "I dunno. Just lucky, I guess." Because I hated the option of, "What's wrong with this?" Always had that patter... I don't know. I guess I'm just very lucky. From the age of 20 to 25-

Marisa Peer 46:35 Yes.

Steven Bartlett 46:35 ... everyone I pursued romantically, once I'd even got past the commitment issues, didn't want me. And I, and I always reflect on it and go, "When I really wanted someone, there must have been something I was doing-"

Marisa Peer 46:49 Yeah, they knew-

Steven Bartlett 46:49 "... that-"

Marisa Peer 46:49 ... that you would dump them. They, they knew that you had a commitment fear. That sort of probably came out of your pore, so of course-

Steven Bartlett 46:55 Really?

Marisa Peer 46:55 ... they dumped you before you dumped them, because your behavior and some of the things you did or said or even didn't would have let them know that you had a commitment fear-

Steven Bartlett 47:05 Really?

Marisa Peer 47:05 ... and so they just got out before you did.

Steven Bartlett 47:07 E- They weren't, they weren't even... I got rejected a lot in that-

Marisa Peer 47:10 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 47:10 ... phase from, like, 20 to 25, and I reflect on it and go, "How come those five girls that I pursued, that I really wanted, that, like, you know, I'd start listening to Adele and Think of Them." Like, you know-

Marisa Peer 47:19 Hmm.

Steven Bartlett 47:19 ... I went into the frenzy. All of them rejected me. But, like, indirectly.

Marisa Peer 47:25 But if they all did it, if it w- wasn't... If it was all of them, they all picked up something from you.

Steven Bartlett 47:29 Yes.

Marisa Peer 47:29 'Cause if it was one you go, "Oh, well, it was them."

Steven Bartlett 47:31 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 47:31 It's like people who say, "I've had five wives, they're all a disappointment." Have they had five husbands? No. Well, then it was you. I was talking to a client, they said, "I've had five wives. They all disappointed me." I said, "Well, you were the disappointment, because they couldn't all disappoint you. You must have wanted perfection," which you did, and you can only ask for perfection if you're offering perfection, which none of us can offer.

Steven Bartlett 47:53 My, my conclusion from that chapter of my life was, there must be, like, a thousand micro-expressions that-

Marisa Peer 47:58 Sure.

Steven Bartlett 47:58 ... these people are picking up on that are-

Marisa Peer 48:00 Absolutely.

Steven Bartlett 48:00 ... communicating that I'm low value.

Marisa Peer 48:02 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 48:02 And I... Do you know what? I couldn't fake it. I read all the books-

Marisa Peer 48:05 Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 48:05 ... about... You know, I read this book and this matchmaking book and this book called The Game and The Mystery Method. I watched all the documentaries. And the, the only reason it changed in my life was when my actual opinion of myself changed in life.

Marisa Peer 48:15 Yeah, of course-

Steven Bartlett 48:16 (laughs)

Marisa Peer 48:16 ... because you didn't value yourself. And, you know, if you have this belief, "I'm not good enough," and you fake it, people pick it up. They know instinctively. They can't help it, because it's at a level beyond communication. Where you have a low sense of worth, people pick it up. And when you have a high sense, they pick it up too. But when you fake it, it... you're still faking it, so that's why you've got to get to that level of, "Hey, I'm so great." When I was in... I was in...... Zimbabwe, just before I met John. And I was, they put me in a honeymoon suite. And, um, it was an amazing place. They kept saying, "Oh, this is so sad you haven't got a husband." They don't understand. They go, "Why haven't you got a husband? This is not normal." And I thought, "You know, I'm so happy." And I thought, "I'm real..." It was the second time in a month, I was also teaching in Coventry. They put me in a honeymoon suite again, that really was the best room in the house and it was a big honeymoon suite. I thought, "Well, you know what? I love being in here." I didn't think, "Oh, this is so sad." And so the second time I was in a honeymoon suite, I was thinking, "You know what? If this is

Marisa Peer 49:13 as good as it ever gets, I'm on my own in this amazing place in Zimbabwe, in this amazing h- with two baths outside, and two showers, and two of everything, I'm okay. I'm really happy." And I was married 10 months later. I didn't even know John. Well, I knew him, but we weren't dating. 'Cause you have to get to that level of thinking-

Steven Bartlett 49:32 And 10 months later you were married?

Marisa Peer 49:33 ... actually I, yeah. I came home, uh, bum, I'd knew John, our kids went to the same school. I came home from Africa in September, met him in October, we were married the following August. But I got to that level where I was so happy being, just being by myself, that I didn't chase him or think, "Oh my God, I need this." It was just like, "Oh, here you are. And I already know you and you're a great guy." And it all worked out perfectly. But you have to get away from the neediness or, "I'm running away from it," avoiding it, or desperately looking for it. In your case, looking for it but thinking, "It's a prison." You have to be at a level of, "I'm ready, but I'm happy anyway."

Steven Bartlett 50:12 And then from 25 to 30, the next five years, the thing that changed in my life was, I became, um, what o- what other people would c- call successful.

Marisa Peer 50:22 Sure.

Steven Bartlett 50:22 So I had business success. Now, it's funny, because someone will look at that and go, "Okay, well for the next five years, from 25 to 30, you had money so it attracted people, whatever." Right?

Marisa Peer 50:31 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 50:31 But I know that that's not the full story. I know that I think the success changed my beliefs about myself.

Marisa Peer 50:38 Of course it did.

Steven Bartlett 50:39 And I just think I stood differently, and I...

Marisa Peer 50:41 Of course you did.

Steven Bartlett 50:42 I...

Marisa Peer 50:43 You had a sense of self. "It's not that I'm rich, but it's like, I've created this. I'm worth something." Your sense

Marisa Peer 50:50 of self elevated because of what you'd done and achieved, and you grew up a bit too. And so your sense of self went up, and people like people with a strong sense of themselves. It's very attractive. It's actually very sexy. Confidence is really sexy. A sense of who you are is very sexy, for men and women. So without knowing it, that's what you got.

Steven Bartlett 51:10 And from 25 to 30, in that period, I no longer had that issue.

Marisa Peer 51:15 Of course not.

Steven Bartlett 51:15 I felt, I felt that I could attract the, someone that I wanted. If I pursued someone I thought... I went into it thinking, you know, "The choice is gonna be mine."

Marisa Peer 51:22 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 51:22 To say that in a, in a least humble way I possibly can. And I fell in love with someone and I've been with them f- ever since.

Marisa Peer 51:28 I was actually working with someone who won the lottery. And he was, he says, "Do you know what happens? When I won the lottery, women became more orgasmic." I said, "Do you know that happens all over the world? When men win the lottery their girlfriends become more orgasmic." He went, "Yeah, I don't understand it." And it was, he couldn't understand it was a bit of a joke, that of course they became more orgasmic, because he became so attractive to them, because he'd won the lottery. So that was very funny.

Steven Bartlett 51:51 That makes so much sense. So people are gonna hear that and go, "So you can't fake..." That's what I, I came to learn from that 10 years of my life.

Marisa Peer 51:56 You can't fake it.

Steven Bartlett 51:57 I say it to all my friends now. I give them, I give them, I give them this, uh, well, everything I know about some of the books I read about how to be high value.

Marisa Peer 52:04 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 52:04 And then I tell them the story that between 20 and 25-

Marisa Peer 52:07 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 52:07 ... I read all these books, and I still couldn't do anything about it.

Marisa Peer 52:09 Hmm.

Steven Bartlett 52:09 So reading the books is not enough, because you can't fake it. And I say to some of my best friends, and I s- one of my close girlfriends, I said, um, "It's almost like there's a thousand little micro-expressions-"

Marisa Peer 52:19 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 52:19 "... of low value that we, we give off." And language is just-

Marisa Peer 52:22 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 52:22 It's a new form of communication-

Marisa Peer 52:24 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 52:24 ... versus the like thousand tiny things w- we don't know we do, which, which tell the person-

Marisa Peer 52:29 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 52:29 ... that we don't value ourself-

Marisa Peer 52:31 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 52:31 We have no self-esteem and we're not confident.

Marisa Peer 52:33 If you're looking for self-esteem anywhere outside of yourself, you're not gonna find it. If you're looking for self-esteem out there, with the Jasmines of the world or someone, unless you're looking for it in here, you're never gonna find it. So stop looking out there. Self-esteem is not out there, it's in here. And just spend some time saying, "Hey, uh, um, I can elevate my sense of self-worth,

Marisa Peer 52:57 self-value, self-image." You see, self-esteem means... If I say, "Steven, I hold you in the highest of esteem," that's what I think of you. But self-esteem is what I think of me. And what happens is we start to poke holes in our self-esteem by saying, "Oh, I'm not good enough, I'm not rich enough, smart enough, attractive enough, qualified enough." And you've got to go back and go, "No, I, I can raise my self-esteem. I matter just the way I am. I matter, I'm enough, I'm lovable." And you know, my dad always said, "The job of any school is to raise the kids' self-esteem." That's more important than learning Latin or sport. And all schools, their job is to raise kids' self... And parenting too, your job as a parent is to raise your kids' self-esteem. But nobody teaches us that. We think, "Oh no, it's organic broccoli, and making you safe, and making you learn Mandarin, sending you to a good school." No, your job is to raise kids with good self-esteem, and then they'll have relations with, who've got good self-esteem. If we could only, w- all work on self-esteem, the world would be so much better.

Steven Bartlett 54:02 How would you have, what would you have done with 20-year-old Steve if he'd come to you and said, "Listen, Marisa, I've pursued all these women."

Marisa Peer 54:09 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 54:09 "They all seem to not value me"?

Marisa Peer 54:11 Yeah. Well, I would've gone right back to look at what was happening when you were growing up. What was going on with your mum and dad? Where did you get these beliefs from? What happened to you? You know, it's not what's wrong with you, it's what, what happened to you? Should never say, "What's wrong with you?" What happened to you in your formative years? What did you see growing up with your mum and dad? What did you see? So if we look at, you know, Paul McCartney, who loved Linda. And all his children have got very secure rela- Stella's got four children, amazing parent. Mary has got three children. But they're very happy. They've stayed with this, because they, they learned what they live. You learn what you live.... what did you learn? What did you live that you learned? Which was that marriage is a horrible place you can't escape from. It's punishing. It's not a place of sanctuary or love or support. Something completely different.

Steven Bartlett 55:06 I also think I just learnt that I was, at a very young age, that... (smacks lips) I think, maybe, that I learnt that I was unlovable at some- some level.

Marisa Peer 55:15 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 55:15 Because I think, think about being a Black kid in an all-white area-

Marisa Peer 55:18 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 55:18 ... where your house is, like, dilapidated. I think that's the right word.

Marisa Peer 55:21 Yeah. Sure.

Steven Bartlett 55:21 Where you can't... I never brought anyone home, never brought a girl home-

Marisa Peer 55:23 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 55:24 ... in the 16-odd years that I lived in Plymouth. Never brought anyone home. No one knew where I lived. I had this, like, constant shame.

Marisa Peer 55:31 Yeah. Shame and guilt.

Steven Bartlett 55:32 And I showed up as if I was a confident kid, like-

Marisa Peer 55:34 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 55:34 ... you know, playing with the football team.

Marisa Peer 55:35 But it was an act.

Steven Bartlett 55:35 It was an act.

Marisa Peer 55:36 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 55:36 I think-

Marisa Peer 55:36 And you went home feeling a sense... You see, one of the... Y- I taught 16,000 therapists all over the world, and I teach them, said, "There's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door, only three things." And one of them is, "I'm different so I can't connect." The next one is, "I want something, it's not available to me." And the third one is, "I'm not enough." There's a lot of versions, "I'm not smart enough, good enough." But when you told me about that little boy who was a Black kid in a white world, living in a shambolic house, never bringing people home, straightaway you're saying, "I was different, and if I'm different, I can't connect," because we connect by being the same. Kids go, "I like Postman Pat." "So do I." "I like pasta." "So do I." "I like Barbie." "So do I." "Oh, you're my friend."

Steven Bartlett 56:20 Mm-hmm.

Marisa Peer 56:21 But when you're different, you can't connect. So you, you first had that first thing, "I'm different, so I can't connect. What I want, being the same as all the other kids, is not available to me." And if you think you're unlovable, then you have to think you're not enough. But, of course, that's what you felt. The truth is, you're deeply lovable just the way you are. But it's very hard when you don't feel it. So when you... You know, your feeling's the most real thing you have, and we're always trying to use logic. But logic doesn't work, because in a battle between emotion and logic, emotion wins every single time. So the emotion of being this kid who felt different, not enough, not the same, you can't logic that better. Yes, you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire. You remember when John Lennon said, "The thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside." And so you're trying to fake it till you make it, but then you just end up feeling like a big fake. You have to go back and look at, "Okay, I felt different," but here's an interesting thing, if our greatest fear is to feel different, it must mean I'm the same as everyone, 'cause that's our greatest fear, to be different. We used to be cast out for being different, banished for being different. But, actually, if you fear being different, already that means you're the same as everyone, because you got the same fears. And what wasn't available now, i- you've made it available many years ago, and you're deeply lovable and more than enough. So you have to, kind of, go back and look at that old scene and say, "Okay, but that's not me anymore. Of course it's not me." So, just stating why it isn't you is actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do. 'Cause we're so busy looking for how it is us, you know, here's a rule of the mind, whatever you look for, you will find. Whatever you focus on, you get more of. So when you look at how it's still you or still there or still bothering you, then you'll find it... And interesting, I think when you look at the mess in your room, you remember the shambolic house, and that's why it bothers you. Not 'cause it's messy, because you were brought up in a shambolic house. Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 58:20 Now you come and think, "Oh, look at this room, I've create- recreated the same." Instead of saying, "Actually, I'm in a five-star hotel. There's a maid next door. It's a little bit messy, it's not shambolic," but, you see, what your brain is looking for is what's the same. And it will always find it. But if you look for what's different, you'll find that, too. So when you have a brilliant brain, which we all have, and you definitely have, so y- you got to talk yourself out of it, not into it. You're talking yourself into how the messy room is the same as the messy home, and it bothers you greatly, 'cause it

Steven Bartlett 58:52 feels out of your control, which it was when you were a kid living in that house. Don't talk yourself in- talk yourself out of it, "Oh, yeah, I have created a mess, but hey, I'm a super successful guy, I'm busy. Someone's gonna come in and clean all of this up." And it's not the same, it's vastly different. But our mind is always looking for what's the same, 'cause it loves what is familiar. After all, you know, if you were a two-year-old kid living in the prairie, and you wanted out on the prairie, you'd only eat the berries you already knew. You wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar, 'cause it would've killed you. So, our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar, back to what is known, back to what is comfortable. I wanna make s-

Marisa Peer 59:30 But let's talk about the sugar.

Steven Bartlett 59:32 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 59:32 'Cause I've heard you say a lot.

Steven Bartlett 59:33 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 59:33 So let's talk about that.

Steven Bartlett 59:35 Well, I- I- I saw this. I saw this... I saw on your- your web... One of the things I saw was the Dietless...

Marisa Peer 59:38 Dietless Life.

Steven Bartlett 59:39 ... Lif- Life Coaching and, um, the Dietless Life website.

Marisa Peer 59:42 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 59:42 I was on there just before I actually came in the door earlier. Um, and it said that the diet- Dietless Life resolves the underlying cause of overeating. I... Let me confess. I am someone that works out pretty much every day.

Marisa Peer 59:56 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 59:56 I'll work out today. Although, I am going to that

Steven Bartlett 59:59 Fred Again concert, so that might be difficult. And that's a workout. I work out pretty much every day of the week. (smacks lips) Um, the thing that's holding me back is, once in a while, I'll get into a little bit of, like, a sugar spiral.

Marisa Peer 1:00:10 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:10 What I mean by that is, I'll eat some sugar, and then the next day I'll eat some more sugar, and then the next day I might have some more sugar.

Marisa Peer 1:00:14 'Cause it's very addictive.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:15 Yeah. I've actually given up alcohol. I've not told anybody that-

Marisa Peer 1:00:17 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:17 ... but I've given up alcohol completely. But this sugar thing seems to be something that I'm, like, I'm, like, battling with.

Marisa Peer 1:00:23 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:23 It'll happen, you know, once a month, and then it could last for, like, a couple of weeks, where I just start eating things that I'm like, "Why am I eating that?" And then I'll get control again of the-

Marisa Peer 1:00:31 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:31 ... of the ship. How do I avoid sugar? I don't like it. I don't want it. I, actually, when someone hands me something, like, the first thing I check is the sugar contents. Don't want it in my life anymore.

Marisa Peer 1:00:42 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:42 I've made that decision.

Marisa Peer 1:00:43 Okay.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:43 Like alcohol. Goodbye.

Marisa Peer 1:00:44 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:45 But it seems to grab me.

Marisa Peer 1:00:46 So, your mind always goes back to what something means. So, let's talk about little Steven. What did sugar and all the sugar treats mean to you when you were a kid?

Steven Bartlett 1:00:55 Well-

Marisa Peer 1:00:55 What did they mean?

Steven Bartlett 1:00:57 ... well, in our house, we weren't allowed them, and we didn't-

Marisa Peer 1:00:59 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:59 ... have them.

Marisa Peer 1:00:59 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:59 We were probably the only family, again because of money issues, that-

Marisa Peer 1:01:02 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:01:02 ... we didn't have any nice things in the fridge.

Marisa Peer 1:01:04 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:01:04 So I would go to the corner shop after school, and I would steal as much of the sweets-

Marisa Peer 1:01:08 Sure. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:01:08 ... as I possibly could. (laughs)

Marisa Peer 1:01:09 And then how did you feel? So let's ... Close your eyes a minute.

Steven Bartlett 1:01:12 Okay.

Marisa Peer 1:01:12 Just remem- be that little boy. You've just stolen them. You've just got them. It's okay that you took them. Most kids do that. What do you feel like when you've suddenly got them in your pockets or you're eating them? What's the feeling?

Steven Bartlett 1:01:23 I feel in control.

Marisa Peer 1:01:24 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:01:25 I feel like my friends-

Marisa Peer 1:01:26 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:01:27 ... I guess. Yeah.

Marisa Peer 1:01:28 So keep your eyes closed and imagine you're, now you're grown-up Stephen, and suddenly it's one evening and you want this sugary stuff, and you want it the next day and the next day. I want you to say this. I want you to say, "When I can't have sugar, when I don't have sugar," say it, repeat it, "When I don't have sugar-"

Steven Bartlett 1:01:44 When I don't have sugar-

Marisa Peer 1:01:45 "... I feel like that little kid who was deprived of sugar."

Steven Bartlett 1:01:47 ... I feel like that little kid that was deprived of sugar.

Marisa Peer 1:01:49 "And that makes me feel-"

Steven Bartlett 1:01:51 Out of control.

Marisa Peer 1:01:52 "Because ..." Just add the word because. "It makes me feel out of control because..."

Steven Bartlett 1:01:59 Because I lived in a house where I didn't have the-

Marisa Peer 1:02:03 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:02:03 ... ability to get the things I wanted.

Marisa Peer 1:02:05 Sure. So you can open your eyes now. So the adult, you, you see it's not the chocolate. It's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it. So when people go on a diet, this is what happens: "I can't have any of that stuff. I can only have lettuce and," y- they have this traffic light, red, everything's banned, amber, okay, and green is, like, lettuce, salad, carrots, grilled fish. And you think, "Yeah, but I- I want all the red stuff." It's the mind says, "If I can't have it, I want it. I want it so much." So again, you've got to talk yourself into saying, "Hey, you know, I'm o- I can have chocolate every day for the rest of my life." It's always, "I can have it, and I can have it in abundance. I can have it at breakfast, lunch, and dinner." And here's the magic sentence that changes your life:

Marisa Peer 1:02:48 "I am choosing to say no, and I'm choosing to love it." I mean, uh, my parents were a bit like that, no sugar.

Steven Bartlett 1:02:53 Can you say that again?

Marisa Peer 1:02:53 Sorry?

Steven Bartlett 1:02:53 Say that sentence again.

Marisa Peer 1:02:55 "I'm choosing to say no to chocolate, and I'm choosing to love it. I'm choosing to say no to kids treats, and I'm choosing to love it." I was working with one of my clients who's a billionaire who goes on his boat, on his yacht, and takes all these things like refreshers and sherbet stuff 'cause he wasn't allowed them as a child, and he even has got his own chef.

Marisa Peer 1:03:15 That makes him happy because it's something that was forbidden. And so when he gets it, he thinks, "Oh, I feel so thrilled," because it did that when you would get it, it made you happy. So you're looking for the feeling, not the thing, and you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway. So I just want you to remember, "I feel the same when I want it, and I feel the same when I get it. But could I get the feeling without having it?" Of course you could. It's really easy too. Shall I, shall I hypnotize you back to that little boy that wanted the sugar so badly so we can change it?

Steven Bartlett 1:03:49 Yes.

Marisa Peer 1:03:49 Would you like that?

Steven Bartlett 1:03:50 (laughs) Yes.

Marisa Peer 1:03:51 Shall we do it now?

Steven Bartlett 1:03:51 Let's do it now.

Marisa Peer 1:03:52 Okay. Being hypnotized is really easy. I'll show you what you do.

Steven Bartlett 1:03:56 Okay.

Marisa Peer 1:03:56 It's about the eyes. So if you look at me, you're going to look up, like that. Breathe in. Breathe out. Take another deep breath, keeping your eyeballs up. Every time you blink, deep, powerful hypnosis is coming upon you. Breathe out. And just one more time, keep your eyeballs up, and this time, the more you blink, the deeper you go into hypnosis. As you exhale, keep your eyeballs up. Close your eyelids down. And I'm going to tell you, Stephen, that your eyelids are locked shut, glued shut, sealed together. Your eyelids are glued tight. Try to open your eyes, find they're locked shut. Go deeper. Try to open your eyes, find they are glued tight. Go deeper. And one more time, try to open your eyes, find they are fused together. Go deeper, deeper, deeper. Your mind, Stephen, knows exactly what chocolate and children's sweets represent to you. I'm gonna count backwards from five to one. Your brilliant mind's going to take you right back, easily, powerfully to a scene that is all to do with why as an adult you keep going back to sugar. The minute you get that information, it's gonna be such a game changer. And of course, you can't relive anything. It's not possible. You can only review. You can't relive being that little boy, but you can review it.

Marisa Peer 1:05:19 And any scene you go back to, even if it's sad, you're gonna look at it with fascination, with insight, with innate understanding of how those scenes then shaped you today. So let's go. So you're about seven. Describe what's happening in this scene.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:35 I'm sat on a grass hill.

Marisa Peer 1:05:38 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:39 I have these boring sandwiches-

Marisa Peer 1:05:46 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:47 ... in my lunchbox.

Marisa Peer 1:05:48 I want you to ... It's very important to feel the feeling. You're doing fantastic. I want you to say, "I'm s- looking at my lunchbox, I'm seven years old, and I feel so disappointed."

Steven Bartlett 1:05:57 I'm looking at my lunchbox, I'm seven years old, and I feel so disappointed.

Marisa Peer 1:06:02 Is there anything you can do to change the lunchbox?

Steven Bartlett 1:06:05 No. Uh, I could s- I could steal some money from somewhere to buy the things I want-

Marisa Peer 1:06:12 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:12 ... or I could s- swap or steal-

Marisa Peer 1:06:14 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:14 ... some other food or something.

Marisa Peer 1:06:15 How else is that little kid feeling?

Steven Bartlett 1:06:20 Buying sugar, or getting it-

Marisa Peer 1:06:24 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:24 ... makes me feel ... makes me feel powerful.

Marisa Peer 1:06:35 Sure.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:35 You know? There's always been that kind of underlying thing because I could never have it.

Marisa Peer 1:06:39 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:40 As an adult, it's kind of like an expression of, like, my, my new autonomy.

Marisa Peer 1:06:45 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:45 And like, you know?

Marisa Peer 1:06:45 Of course. "I can have whatever I want."

Steven Bartlett 1:06:49 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 1:06:49 So now I want you to go back to the little kid sitting on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunchbox, and I want you to say to me, "That's not me anymore," because, and you need to tell me exactly why. Justify and tell me why that's not you.So repeat after me, "That little kid on, that little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunch box..."

Steven Bartlett 1:07:08 That little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing

Steven Bartlett 1:07:10 lunch box-

Marisa Peer 1:07:10 "... is not me."

Steven Bartlett 1:07:11 ... is not me.

Marisa Peer 1:07:12 "And will never be me ever again."

Steven Bartlett 1:07:13 And will never be me ever again.

Marisa Peer 1:07:15 "Because..."

Steven Bartlett 1:07:16 "Because I can have whatever I want now."

Marisa Peer 1:07:19 Yeah. You're not seven. Your mother doesn't provide your lunch every day, does she?

Steven Bartlett 1:07:23 No.

Marisa Peer 1:07:23 And if she did and you hated it, couldn't you go out and get whatever you want?

Steven Bartlett 1:07:26 Yeah.

Marisa Peer 1:07:27 I want you to, "That's not me."

Steven Bartlett 1:07:28 That's not me.

Marisa Peer 1:07:29 "I'll never be seven-"

Steven Bartlett 1:07:30 I'll never be seven-

Marisa Peer 1:07:31 "... with a disappointing lunch ever again."

Steven Bartlett 1:07:32 ... with a disappointing lunch ever again.

Marisa Peer 1:07:34 "I'll never be seven, having less than other people ever again."

Steven Bartlett 1:07:37 I'll never be seven, having less than other people ever again.

Marisa Peer 1:07:39 "That can't be me."

Steven Bartlett 1:07:40 That can't be me.

Marisa Peer 1:07:41 "I can have whatever I want now."

Steven Bartlett 1:07:43 I can have whatever I want now.

Marisa Peer 1:07:44 "And what I really want-"

Steven Bartlett 1:07:45 And what I really want-

Marisa Peer 1:07:46 "... is to be indifferent to sugar."

Steven Bartlett 1:07:48 ... is to be indifferent to sugar.

Marisa Peer 1:07:51 Now, I want you to think of the words that little kid needed to hear. You know better than me that when you were seven, eight, nine, 10, what you most needed to hear, what you most needed to feel, that you were the same, that you were equal, that you had everything others had. And I want you to repeat some of those words. You can do it in your head or out loud. What are the missing words you never heard and always wanted to hear?

Steven Bartlett 1:08:17 Hmm. One of them was, uh, "You have the same resources and money and value as all of your friends."

Marisa Peer 1:08:31 So say that to the little kid, "You have the same money-"

Steven Bartlett 1:08:33 "You have the same amount of money."

Marisa Peer 1:08:34 "... the same resources-"