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The No.1 Celebrity Therapist: The WEIRD Trick To Get Your Sex Life Back! - Marisa Peer

If you are fascinated with learning about the human mind, we recommend you watch this video with Gabor Mate next: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPup-1pDepY 00:00 Intro 02:05 🙌 You can choose and change your beliefs to shape your reality. 03:01 🧠Question your beliefs and where they came from. Don't be afraid to lie to yourself if it's for your own good. Tell yourself you're going to do well, and you will. Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real. You can trick your mind into not feeling pain. 06:35 🧘🏼‍♀️You can trick your mind into not feeling pain. 07:17 🔁The mind learns by repetition. 11:08 Your brain has the power to change your sex life. 37:04 💡 How to know if you're avoiding something because of trauma or if it's not right for you 37:19 👩‍❤️‍👩 How to pick your battles in a relationship: Focus on meeting your must-have needs and be willing to compromise on the rest. 39:26 💡 How to deal with perfectionism in relationships: Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Everyone has flaws. Focus on finding someone who loves and accepts you for who you are. 41:32 💃🏼 How to attract the right kind of people: Be yourself and be genuine. People are attracted to those who are authentic. Be realistic about dating apps: Dating apps can be a great way to meet new people, but it's important to be realistic about what to expect. 45:44 💡 Don't be needy: The most attractive people are those who are happy and fulfilled with their own lives. Don't come across as needy or desperate for a partner. 47:07 🪞 Reflect on your behavior: If you've been unsuccessful in relationships, take some time to reflect on your own behavior. Are there any patterns that you can identify? Once you understand your own patterns, you can start to make changes. I hope these takeaways are helpful! 49:13 💡 The secret to finding love is to be happy with yourself. Focus on developing a strong sense of self-worth and confidence, and love will follow. 50:50 🧲 Confidence is attractive: People with a strong sense of self are very attractive to others. People can sense that you believe in yourself and that you're comfortable in your own skin, and they're drawn to that. 52:57 💡 Self-esteem comes from within: You can't find self-esteem outside of yourself. It's something that you have to develop from within. This means telling yourself positive things about yourself and believing in your own worth. 58:52 💡 Negative thoughts: Talk yourself out of it, not into it: This means telling yourself that your thoughts are wrong and that you deserve better. 59:59 💡 Understand the root of your cravings: Once you understand the root of your cravings, you can start to develop strategies for dealing with them in a healthy way. 01:02:48 💡 Choose to love it: If you want to make healthy choices, it's important to choose to love making those choices. This means accepting that you may have to give up some things that you enjoy, but knowing that it's worth it in the long run. 01:03:15 🧠 You're looking for the feeling, not the thing: When you crave something, it's often not the thing itself that you're craving, but the feeling that it represents. 01:05:19 💡 Review your memories with insight and understanding: If you have negative memories from your childhood, it can be helpful to review them with insight and understanding. This means looking at the memories from a new perspective and trying to understand why they were so painful. 01:07:10 🪞 Tell yourself that you're not that person with cravings anymore. The best way to deal with temptation is to become indifferent to it. 01:12:28 🧠 Hypnosis can help you change your relationship with food: Hypnosis can help you to change your relationship with food and to overcome cravings. It can help you to understand the root of your cravings and to develop new, healthier relationships with food. 01:18:35 Last guest’s question You can purchase Marisa’s most recent book, ‘Tell Yourself a Better Lie’, here: https://amzn.to/40BxpVB Follow Marisa: Instagram: https://bit.ly/3PkbAEJ Youtube: https://bit.ly/48h1L3h FULL CLIP (Steve gets hypnotised): https://youtu.be/rjaGOD03vK8 My new book! 'The 33 Laws Of Business & Life' is out now: https://smarturl.it/DOACbook Join this channel to get access to perks: https://bit.ly/3Dpmgx5 Follow me: Instagram: http://bit.ly/3nIkGAZ Twitter: http://bit.ly/3ztHuHm Linkedin: https://bit.ly/41Fl95Q Telegram: http://bit.ly/3nJYxST Sponsors: Eight sleep: https://www.eightsleep.com/uk/steven/ CODE: STEVEN (save $150 on the Pod Cover) Huel: https://g2ul0.app.link/G4RjcdKNKsbo Whoop: http://bit.ly/3MbapaY

Marisa PeerguestSteven Bartletthost
Sep 18, 20231h 22mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 2:05

    Intro

    1. MP

      I taught 16,000 therapists. There's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door. First of all...

    2. NA

      Marisa Peer.

    3. The worldwide renowned therapist.

    4. From royalty, international superstars, CEOs, and Olympic athletes. This woman definitely knows a thing or two thousand about how we take control of our thoughts.

    5. MP

      80% of your success is down to your beliefs, but it also damages so many people, because if you're thinking, "I'm not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough," your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, even if it's not true. A classic example is sex. So many of my clients couldn't conceive because their husbands didn't have enough sperm. But when men have sex with a stranger, they triple their sperm count. And

    6. NA

      (coughs) .

    7. MP

      ... really damages so many people, because it's an impossible expectation to live up to. So, many people have affairs, not because they don't love their partner, but because they're missing out. But it's all about what you have chosen to believe, so you've got to reverse that language. And the other thing that people do a lot, it really messes up your sex life to call your partner mummy or daddy. Because...

    8. SB

      Marisa, how do I avoid sugar? It seems to grab me.

    9. MP

      Food has memories. It's not the chocolate, it's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it. And you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway. It's really easy, too.

    10. SB

      How?

    11. MP

      Shall I hypnotize you so we can change it?

    12. SB

      Let's do it now.

    13. MP

      Okay. Close your eyes. And here's the magic sentence that changes your life.

    14. SB

      I got hypnotized. In this episode, Marisa hypnotizes me to completely end my sugar cravings. And you're gonna see it happen, and you're gonna find out if it works. So stick around. Marisa, I've been trying to figure something out. I've been trying to figure out if we get to choose our beliefs.

    15. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    16. SB

      And I, I actually wrote about this in my, my book recently. And I, I feel like you're the person to ask this question, because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs...

    17. MP

      Mm-hmm.

  2. 2:05 – 3:01

    🙌 You can choose and change your beliefs to shape your reality.

    1. MP

    2. SB

      ... that we have about the world, ourselves, and everything in between. But can we choose them?

    3. MP

      I think so. You know, when I was here last time, you asked me about my childhood, which I don't talk about a lot. It wasn't awful, but it also wasn't amazing. But the beliefs I had then are so totally different to the beliefs I have now, because I chose to give myself better beliefs. Because, you know, you make your beliefs, and then your beliefs turn right around and make you. And then, confirmation bias means you look for proof of what you have chosen to believe, and you'll find it. So if you say, "Oh, I hate cats. They're vicious things that scratch you. They're really aloof." Or, "I don't like dogs. They're barky, yappy, horrible things." Then if you believe that about a dog, and you meet a dog, you'll feel so anxious that that will become true. But if you say, "Oh, I love dogs. They're the most loyal, gorgeous, loving things," then you'll have a different energy around them. So you should choose your beliefs. You should constantly upgrade, update, question your belief, "Where

  3. 3:01 – 6:35

    🧠Question your beliefs and where they came from. Don't be afraid to lie to yourself if it's for your own good. Tell yourself you're going to do well, and you will. Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real. You can trick your mind into not feeling pain.

    1. MP

      did I get that from? Is that true? Who told me that belief? And even if it's true for them, does it have to be true for me?" You know, I see a lot of women who say things like, "Well, you know, if you're really famous and rich, you'll never find a guy," because 100 years ago, that was probably true. Men didn't go for rich, successful women, 'cause they wanted them at home. But it's not true now. So, your grandmother's belief is not your belief. I love my daughters' generation who don't do body shaming or fat shaming and have a whole different language about it, which I think is so refreshing. So, you can always choose your beliefs, and you really should constantly check, "Why do I even believe that? Is it even true?" Because so often, it's not true at all, it's just something you've been taught or you've just gone along with it anyway.

    2. SB

      So in the case of cats, then...

    3. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SB

      You know, I like all animals, but, like, cats, I do think... You know, the way you described them, they're a little bit scratchy.

    5. MP

      Yes.

    6. SB

      Sometimes a little bit, you know, annoying. Not as loving as dogs, maybe. I'm gonna annoy a lot of cat people here.

    7. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    8. SB

      Um, if that is my belief, if I say to myself, "Okay, you know, cats are wonderful, they're lovely, uh, you know, they're fantastic, they don't scratch," et cetera, I feel like I'm just lying to myself. And I... You know, this is the case with self-belief as well.

    9. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    10. SB

      That I could, I could say that...

    11. MP

      Yes.

    12. SB

      ... I'm amazing and attractive and all these things.

    13. MP

      Sure.

    14. SB

      But in my subconscious mind...

    15. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    16. SB

      ... after getting, I don't know, bullied at seven years old by a kid...

    17. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    18. SB

      ... that called me fat and whatever else...

    19. MP

      Yes.

    20. SB

      ... am I just not lying to myself?

    21. MP

      Well, I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie, cheat, and steal every day of your life. Lie to your mind, cheat fear, and steal back the confidence you were born with. So let's imagine you're going for an exam. You go, "I'm gonna fail it, I'm gonna mess it up. I've got a terrible memory. I know when I read that paper, my mind's gonna go blank and I'm gonna blow it." So that's a belief. But you could also say, "I've got a great memory. Everything I studied for this exam is in my head. When I read the paper, the questions are gonna come up and I'm gonna remember the answers. And I'm super chilled at exams. I'm cool, calm, collected. I'm gonna ace this exam." So if you repeat that over and over again, you see, the subconscious doesn't think, it just feels. And if you say, "I'm nervous, I'm so nervous," and you f- The subconscious feels that, then when you're nervous, the mind shuts down. All the blood rushes to your heart and your mind empties. It's like, if you were crossing a road and a car comes, you don't think, "Shall I go left, right, forwards, backwards?" You just move, because in fear, you don't think, you move. So when you're scared, your mind empties. I remember years ago, I was coming home and this guy was following me, and I knew he was following me, and I knew I had minutes to get in my door. And I couldn't get the key and I couldn't remember which way to... I'm like, "Oh, my God, I have all the times to forget how this key works. I lived here for five years." But I was so scared, I couldn't remember how to open my door at all. Because when you're scared, your brain empties. And so if you go into an exam going, "I'm scared, I'm nervous," you won't do well. But if you say, "I got a great memory, I love exams, I'm excited about this exam. I'm so excited I'm gonna be assessed, I'm gonna do really well," or, "I'm going to this assessment, I'm gonna ace it. This person's gonna love me and see that I'm so smart and my answers will show them that I know what I'm talking about," the mind doesn't go, "Oh, come on, that's silly." The mind goes, "Okay."... whatever you say, you make it real. Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real. The subconscious doesn't think, it only feels, and if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, then your job is to think better thoughts all the time. So, imagine you're gonna have a needle stuck in your arm. You go, "Oh, that's gonna hurt,

  4. 6:35 – 7:17

    🧘🏼‍♀️You can trick your mind into not feeling pain.

    1. MP

      and that's gonna be so painful." You could... I always read my phone, and if you cough just as the needle goes in, it confuses your mind and you don't feel it. Is that lying? Or is it just taking your mind somewhere else?

    2. SB

      That's the... Th- 'cause I- I think if I can choose my beliefs, then I can un-choose beliefs. But I couldn't think of a-

    3. MP

      Yeah, you can.

    4. SB

      ... a single belief I have now that I could genuinely un-choose.

    5. MP

      Okay.

    6. SB

      I could say it-

    7. MP

      Yes.

    8. SB

      ... but I think I'd still believe it.

    9. MP

      Yeah, but the thing with the mind is... There's a couple of rules of the mind. One is... Let me give you a couple that will help you. Every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body work to make real. Every thought you think has a physical reaction and, indeed, an emotional response.

  5. 7:17 – 11:08

    🔁The mind learns by repetition.

    1. MP

      And here's another one: the mind learns by repetition. So, when you think a thought a lot, over and over again, it becomes real even if- even if it's not real. So, if you think a thought, "My neighbor's driving me crazy. They're so noisy I can never sleep. I can hear their television. They're getting on my nerves," it'll become your reality. If you say, "It's a little bit irritating, but I can put my headphones on, I can tune out," then you'll have a different reaction to the same event. You know, we don't have to change events, we have to change how we think about the events. It's like saying, "Oh, this commute to work is killing me." You know, "This- this... Being on this freeway is driving me crazy." But someone else would go, "Wow, I'd love to be on... Y- you've got a car, and you're going to a job, and you're getting paid? That's my fantasy dream come true." Don't have to change the thing. You have to change how you think about the thing. So, that is changing your beliefs. And a belief is really just a thought you think a lot. So, you're born as a blank slate. Where did you get those thoughts from? Who gave them to you? So, the beliefs you think you can't change, where do they come from? Let's do that. Now, where do the beliefs you think you can't change come from?

    2. SB

      So, I think one of the recurring beliefs I've had about myself-

    3. MP

      Yes.

    4. SB

      ... which I think goes back a- a long- as long as I can remember, to be honest, is that I am fundamentally unorganized.

    5. MP

      Unorganized, okay.

    6. SB

      And I think people will be surprised to hear that because I'm very, I'd say, productive.

    7. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    8. SB

      My output is high, but the organization of my stuff, even if you looked in my bag-

    9. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    10. SB

      ... it would be like a jumble sale. My house as well. If I didn't have a cleaner, I think it would be-

    11. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    12. SB

      ... you know. It'll be like a bomb had gone off in there.

    13. MP

      I heard you saying, actually, on a podcast that when you go... Your hotel room is very messy-

    14. SB

      Yeah.

    15. MP

      ... and it upsets you, but not enough to make you change it.

    16. SB

      You've been listening. (laughs)

    17. MP

      I have been listening.

    18. SB

      No, you're right. I- I think there's- there's a habit or something that I've built into myself where I think I've told myself it's faster-

    19. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    20. SB

      ... to be messy.

    21. MP

      Yes.

    22. SB

      And... But then, the- the dissonance or the- the issue that I take with it is that's not who I wanna be.

    23. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    24. SB

      I don't wanna be a messy person. I wanna be someone who comes into their hotel room, goes into their suitcase, and hangs everything up-

    25. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    26. SB

      ... so that tomorrow is easier. But what happens is I dive into the suitcase, pull my gym equipment out, and run to the gym. And it's something I want to change because it's almost like this concession in my life where I've gone, "Well, that's just who I am. I'm just a messy person."

    27. MP

      Yeah.

    28. SB

      And I think we all label ourselves using this.

    29. MP

      And, of course, when you do that, now you're making it real. You say, you know, "I can't spell, but my dad couldn't spell, and now it's genetic." So, every time you say, "I'm just a messy person," the strongest force in you and everyone in the world is you must act in a way that utterly matches up with how you have chosen to define you. So, if you start by changing that and saying, "I love being organized. It gives me such joy to be or- I love putting..." so when you say it, say it, say it, it will start to change. So, over the last three weeks, I've been staying in a place with an amazing gym, and I started to love working out with really, really heavy weights 'cause, you know, I got run over and I started to get muscle wastage in my leg. I was going, "I love heavy, heavy weights. I love it." And I was really a Pilates, yoga person, but for the last three weeks, I get up and I'm in the gym at 7:30 going, "Well, I love heavy weights." And I- I didn't like it before, but I decided to s- I decided to say it over and over again. Because when you say, state, and affirm something, your mind must make it real, so all you have to do really is to start saying a lot, "I love being organized. It gives me immense joy to put stuff away. I love it when everything's in its place and I'm in a hotel. And sure, I run to the... When I come back, I put my gym kit in a particular place, and I love that feeling of being super organized." And very quickly it will start to change 'cause you're thinking a thought that your mind has no choice but to make real.

    30. SB

      So

  6. 11:08 – 37:04

    Your brain has the power to change your sex life.

    1. SB

      interesting.

    2. MP

      But it's also true. You know, you think a thought wh-... And you h- your mind can't help it. It has to make... You know, we do that- we did that thing with a lemon, didn't we? Where you think you're eating a lemon. Have we ever done that?

    3. SB

      What's that?

    4. MP

      Well, let's do it now.

    5. SB

      Oh, good.

    6. MP

      So, put your hand in front of your mouth.

    7. SB

      Yeah.

    8. MP

      Imagine you're holding half of a great big, fat, juicy lemon. Close your eyes and just put that lemon right up to your nose (inhales) and breathe in that amazing lemon smell, because nothing really smells quite like a lemon. Now, squeeze that lemon so hard so that lemon drops pucker onto the surface. Stick out your tongue. Lick off the lemon. Open your mouth really wide and shove that entire lemon into your mouth, and I want you to start sucking, and biting, and chewing all the flesh. Literally t- bite into that lemon until the lemon drops burst onto your tongue and your taste buds pucker and swell as you start to chew that lemon, suck that lemon, swirl that lemon all around your mouth. Keep eating the lemon. Suck it, chew it, swirl it around, and then open your eyes.... did you start pumping out saliva?

    9. SB

      Yes, I did.

    10. MP

      And so here's a question: Was there a lemon?

    11. SB

      No, there was no lemon.

    12. MP

      That's true, there was no lemon. But you could also say yes, which is (laughs) also true. They're both true. No, there wasn't, and, but, yes, there actually was. Where was it? Where was the lemon that was making you make saliva?

    13. SB

      In my head. (laughs)

    14. MP

      In your head, yeah. It wasn't anywhere else, it was in your head. Just do another one. Put your, um, right arm out-

    15. SB

      Yeah.

    16. MP

      ... towards me, and just swing your arm behind you as far as it will go.

    17. SB

      Yeah.

    18. MP

      And have a look at where it's gone. Just look behind you to m- n- notice where it is. Bring it back. I think you went up to, like, the third book on that bookshelf.

    19. SB

      Okay.

    20. MP

      I want you to imagine, close your eyes and tell your mind, "My arm's gonna go a third further. I'm now like a bendy Barbie and Ken doll. My arm is so flexible, it's going further." I want you to imagine all the muscles in your right arm becoming super flexible, like cooked pasta. Open your eyes, put your arm out, and say to your arm, "You're going a third further now."

    21. SB

      You're going a third further now.

    22. MP

      "You're like a pretzel-"

    23. SB

      Like a pretzel.

    24. MP

      "... you're super flexible."

    25. SB

      "Super flexible."

    26. MP

      "Go a third further."

    27. SB

      "Go a th- third further."

    28. MP

      Swing your arm back, and just watch as it goes a third further. Now, look at how far it's gone.

    29. SB

      Hmm.

    30. MP

      You were only up to the third book before, so what happened then?

  7. 37:04 – 37:19

    💡 How to know if you're avoiding something because of trauma or if it's not right for you

    1. SB

      jobs and relationships and everything in our life. How do we know that it's not just some trauma response that we're having, or if the thing we're avoiding or rejecting is actually not right for us?

    2. MP

      I think you know when you think, "Okay, my life without this

  8. 37:19 – 39:26

    👩‍❤️‍👩 How to pick your battles in a relationship: Focus on meeting your must-have needs and be willing to compromise on the rest.

    1. MP

      person, would it be better or worse?" Or I don't... If I have an argument with my husband, we don't argue a lot, but I always imagine my life without him, and it's so much worse than my life with him. Occasionally he annoys me. He's got some... He can put, get a tea bag and have it in ov- every surface of the kitchen in, like, three minutes flat. I will say, "Wow, how do you do that? I just don't understand how you can do that." But you have to pick your battles in a relationship. And when he really annoys me, I just think, "Okay, imagine if he wasn't here." And that, I thought, "Oh no, I wouldn't like that." Maybe not here for a couple of hours, but forever? So you know because of how you feel. But you see, you know, we're all taught this, you know, you found your other half, but you're not a half. You're a whole, you can't find another half to complete you 'cause you're not half a person. But a lot of us are taught, you know, you're gonna find the handsome prince and you're gonna live happily ever after. Well, that- that isn't true. There's never one person ever that could complete you or meet all your needs. And so you have to be a realistic. In a relationship, you have to put your needs into three parts. Okay, I've got a need. My husband must always tell me where he is. He must call me. He must tell me when he's coming... If it's 2:00 in the morning and I don't know where he is, I don't like that. He must be honest. Honesty is a non-negotiable need for me. So that's a need that has to be met. Need for tidiness? Is that really important? I can do it myself. You know, by the time I have an argument with him about the tea bag, I've already put it in the bin and put a bit of bleach on the kitchen counter and it's all done. So the second lot of needs, you might have to meet those needs. The need to have a tidy kitchen, the need to have, I don't know, organic groceries delivered. Maybe you can do it. It's sometimes you've gotta pick your battles. And the third set of needs, you've just gotta give those up. Some needs are just not important enough to fight about. You know, my daughter is an artist. And artists are very messy, and if you go and look at the mess, they go, "Uh, what mess? I can't even see it." So with my daughter, the need to ha- her to have a tidy bedroom, I learned to shut the door. Don't even go in there. And if I go in there, I go, "Well, she's happy." Do I need to have a happy daughter or a tidy daughter's bedroom? A happy daughter is actually more important. So some needs you must have your partner

  9. 39:26 – 41:32

    💡 How to deal with perfectionism in relationships: Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Everyone has flaws. Focus on finding someone who loves and accepts you for who you are.

    1. MP

      meet, some you've got to meet, and some just give them away. It's really not, not worth arguing about.

    2. SB

      You reminded me when you talked there about thinking about meeting Prince Charming in perfection.

    3. MP

      Yeah.

    4. SB

      I went into a bookshop the other day, um, as I sometimes do, just for inspiration-

    5. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    6. SB

      ... you know, and I bumped into a lady who recognized me. Um, I actually took a photo of her 'cause the conversation really stayed with me. It's not, it's not often that I take a photo of-

    7. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    8. SB

      ... with someone else. I said, "Please, can I have a photo with you just so I remember this conversation?" And what she said to me in that conversation was reminiscent of many other conversations I've had. She was a, a woman, she's just over the age of 30. I think she was 32, 31. And she was actually in that bookshop looking for a book that would help her solve her romantic and relationship issues. She said, she said to me, which is a message I've heard before from close friends of mine, "I'm over 30 now. I'm looking for a guy. I've never been in a relationship. I've been working very, very, very hard."

    9. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    10. SB

      She says she's excelling in her career. "People have told me to, that I just need to go to the gym and work out, and I've tried that."

    11. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    12. SB

      "Um, and I still can't find this person."

    13. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    14. SB

      And I, and I... And the other sentence I remember, she said, "I don't wanna settle."

    15. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    16. SB

      And I've got people close to me in my life, many people that have... are in almost identical situations.

    17. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    18. SB

      So much so that I sent that photo with her to those people and said, "I've just met you in a bookshop." And it-

    19. MP

      Wow.

    20. SB

      And it helped me to actually understand them better-

    21. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    22. SB

      ... because to know that there's many, many people that are in that situation, then they've got this kind of societal clock ticking-

    23. MP

      Yeah.

    24. SB

      ... that's saying, "You better do it quickly."

    25. MP

      Yeah.

    26. SB

      What would you have said to her to help her?

    27. MP

      So I would have said, "First of all, what are you doing?" People say to me, "I'm looking for love." "Really? Okay, that's great. Where are you looking? Where- where are you going?" They go, "Well, I go to yoga." "Any men there?" "Not really."

    28. SB

      Oh, you reminded me of something she said. She said, "I've tried dating apps. Those don't work."

    29. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    30. SB

      "People tell me to meet people-"

  10. 41:32 – 45:44

    💃🏼 How to attract the right kind of people: Be yourself and be genuine. People are attracted to those who are authentic. Be realistic about dating apps: Dating apps can be a great way to meet new people, but it's important to be realistic about what to expect.

    1. MP

      aren't. And then men say, "I'm looking for love." "Where are you going?" "I'm in the weight room." "Any women there?" They're all in the yoga class. So if you really want to find love, you've got to be proactive. First of all, sit down and think, what kind of person do you want? I mean, what qualities do they have? What are you looking for? You know, normally you say, "I'm- I'm looking to buy a house." Well, I never, I never go to an estate agent and look at the brochures. I just think the house will turn up. "I'm looking for a job. I'm actually going to yoga. I'm going to... Oh, I'm not going for any interviews." We say, "Well, you're not really looking for a job, are you?" When I look for a house, I've got brochures coming in. I'm going to look at, I'm going to look at houses till I find the right one. So if you want love, sit down and think about what you want. Make a list. Don't be doing the six-pack and gorgeous or a 10. Think of the qualities. What is this person like? And then decide what is that person looking for? You might have to up your game a bit. And then think about where is this person. They're not in yoga, but they're somewhere. And once you've decided that you're worth love, that's the- the most important bit, and you can put yourself around people, you'll find love easily. But we're so busy trying to...... change ourselves, so you have to take some time, because the only thing you need to do to find love is, first of all, every day say, "I'm worthy of love. I am worthy of being loved. I deserve to be deeply loved and I am worth it." And if you think, "Ooh, when I say that, I feel really stupid," then say it more until you don't feel stupid, until you think, "No, actually it's sinking in now. It's like putting lotion on my skin. It is going in, it is having an impact." So say it, state it, affirm it a lot: "I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. I'm... Who couldn't love me? I'm deserving of love." And then, when you've got that part right and you know that a f-... You don't think, "I hope when I go on a date I'm good enough for them," well, what about thinking are they good enough for you? So you gotta reframe that. Don't keep saying, "I, I gotta make myself. I've gotta chase love, pursue love, get in shape to find love, be perfect to find love." You gotta find love just by being you. So work on knowing you're worth it. That's an... 80% of your success will come down to having an "I'm worth it" mindset. Think of the person, but think of where they are, and then get out of the yoga and go to the weights room if you're a girl. If you're a guy, get out of the weights room, go to the yoga. Put yourself around the people you want to be with, and you'll end up with them.

    2. SB

      She did say a line to me, which I've just remembered, which is, "I've started to think that there's something wrong with me."

    3. MP

      Yeah.

    4. SB

      And it's... There is c- a clear pattern in the people who are in that situation that I know-

    5. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    6. SB

      ... that have started to engage in vocal s- negative self-talk-

    7. MP

      Yeah.

    8. SB

      ... and self-disparagement.

    9. MP

      And apps, of course, there's so much. It's like going to a Chinese restaurant with a menu that's 20 pages thick. "Oh, I don't even know what to have now. There's so much variety. I've, I've... Now I've got to page 20, I've forgotten what was on page one." If you go to a restaurant with a little menu, you think, "Okay, I'm gonna have that." So apps with masses of variety, lots of people. I mean, they show you a good thing. How many people are looking for love just like you? So you're not weird or a freak. Apps are good to show you, "Wow, all these people, good-looking people, are looking for love." But maybe come away from the apps and, and start to talk to people. You know, talk to people.

    10. SB

      I was just thinking as you were talking about dating apps, I've never been a prolific dating app person, 'cause I've, I've been busy, but also I'd never had success on them until people knew who I was sort of in a public capacity-

    11. MP

      Hmm.

    12. SB

      ... and then you can't, I can't use them anyway, so.

    13. MP

      No.

    14. SB

      But going back 10 years, I do remember using dating apps, swiping through-

    15. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    16. SB

      ... and you'd see, like, really beautiful people and be like, "Oh, I want that one." You'd swipe right on them, and then the ones that would swipe left on you would ju- you know, they were just not the ones you were looking for.

    17. MP

      Sure.

    18. SB

      And because you understand the value of anything by the context in which you see it, by seeing 50 beautiful people-

    19. MP

      Yeah.

    20. SB

      ... but then getting the ones that are less than, even if there was less than people. It's not, not, not, not way, not a nice way to describe them. The ones you didn't desire-

    21. MP

      Yeah.

    22. SB

      ... um, are perfectly okay, because you've seen them in a context where you've seen-

    23. MP

      Of course.

    24. SB

      ... supermodels-

    25. MP

      Less than, yeah.

    26. SB

      ... you're never gonna value them.

    27. MP

      Yeah. Of course.

    28. SB

      And also, you know, I was thinking about the people that are going on those dates that are searching for, for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right-

    29. MP

      Hmm.

    30. SB

      ... are we less valuable when, when we're in search

  11. 45:44 – 47:07

    💡 Don't be needy: The most attractive people are those who are happy and fulfilled with their own lives. Don't come across as needy or desperate for a partner.

    1. SB

      of something?

    2. MP

      Yeah, definitely. You, you-

    3. SB

      That's the problem, right?

    4. MP

      Well, it's a, it's... One thing is to say, "Hey, you know, I'm... I've got a great life, and I've decided, you know, I'm ready to be with someone amazing. I wanna share my life with someone who wants to share their..." But I'm quite... "I'm okay if I don't find them. I got a great life, but I'm, I'm kind of open to finding the right person now." It's rather different to p- n- needy. "I need someone to complete me. I don't wanna be on my own. I hate being alone." Really?

    5. SB

      "... I, I need to find my mate, my partner." So you almost need to be at a level where you, you're happy and you've got a great life, but you want to share it, rather than, "I'm incomplete without that person. There's something wrong with me." People used to say to me, "Why are you not married?" I'd say, "I dunno. Just lucky, I guess." Because I hated the option of, "What's wrong with this?" Always had that patter... I don't know. I guess I'm just very lucky. From the age of 20 to 25-

    6. MP

      Yes.

    7. SB

      ... everyone I pursued romantically, once I'd even got past the commitment issues, didn't want me. And I, and I always reflect on it and go, "When I really wanted someone, there must have been something I was doing-"

    8. MP

      Yeah, they knew-

    9. SB

      "... that-"

    10. MP

      ... that you would dump them. They, they knew that you had a commitment fear. That sort of probably came out of your pore, so of course-

    11. SB

      Really?

    12. MP

      ... they dumped you before you dumped them, because your behavior and some of the things you did or said or even didn't would have let them know that you had a commitment fear-

    13. SB

      Really?

    14. MP

      ... and so they just got out before you did.

  12. 47:07 – 49:13

    🪞 Reflect on your behavior: If you've been unsuccessful in relationships, take some time to reflect on your own behavior. Are there any patterns that you can identify? Once you understand your own patterns, you can start to make changes.

    1. MP

    2. SB

      E- They weren't, they weren't even... I got rejected a lot in that-

    3. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SB

      ... phase from, like, 20 to 25, and I reflect on it and go, "How come those five girls that I pursued, that I really wanted, that, like, you know, I'd start listening to Adele and Think of Them." Like, you know-

    5. MP

      Hmm.

    6. SB

      ... I went into the frenzy. All of them rejected me. But, like, indirectly.

    7. MP

      But if they all did it, if it w- wasn't... If it was all of them, they all picked up something from you.

    8. SB

      Yes.

    9. MP

      'Cause if it was one you go, "Oh, well, it was them."

    10. SB

      Yeah.

    11. MP

      It's like people who say, "I've had five wives, they're all a disappointment." Have they had five husbands? No. Well, then it was you. I was talking to a client, they said, "I've had five wives. They all disappointed me." I said, "Well, you were the disappointment, because they couldn't all disappoint you. You must have wanted perfection," which you did, and you can only ask for perfection if you're offering perfection, which none of us can offer.

    12. SB

      My, my conclusion from that chapter of my life was, there must be, like, a thousand micro-expressions that-

    13. MP

      Sure.

    14. SB

      ... these people are picking up on that are-

    15. MP

      Absolutely.

    16. SB

      ... communicating that I'm low value.

    17. MP

      Yeah.

    18. SB

      And I... Do you know what? I couldn't fake it. I read all the books-

    19. MP

      Hmm. Mm-hmm.

    20. SB

      ... about... You know, I read this book and this matchmaking book and this book called The Game and The Mystery Method. I watched all the documentaries. And the, the only reason it changed in my life was when my actual opinion of myself changed in life.

    21. MP

      Yeah, of course-

    22. SB

      (laughs)

    23. MP

      ... because you didn't value yourself. And, you know, if you have this belief, "I'm not good enough," and you fake it, people pick it up. They know instinctively. They can't help it, because it's at a level beyond communication. Where you have a low sense of worth, people pick it up. And when you have a high sense, they pick it up too. But when you fake it, it... you're still faking it, so that's why you've got to get to that level of, "Hey, I'm so great." When I was in... I was in...... Zimbabwe, just before I met John. And I was, they put me in a honeymoon suite. And, um, it was an amazing place. They kept saying, "Oh, this is so sad you haven't got a husband." They don't understand. They go, "Why haven't you got a husband? This is not normal." And I thought, "You know, I'm so happy." And I thought, "I'm real..." It was the second time in a month, I was also teaching in Coventry. They put me in a honeymoon suite again, that really was the best room in the house and it was a big honeymoon suite. I thought, "Well, you know what? I love being in here." I didn't think, "Oh, this is so sad." And so the second time I was in a honeymoon suite, I was thinking, "You know what? If this is

  13. 49:13 – 50:50

    💡 The secret to finding love is to be happy with yourself. Focus on developing a strong sense of self-worth and confidence, and love will follow.

    1. MP

      as good as it ever gets, I'm on my own in this amazing place in Zimbabwe, in this amazing h- with two baths outside, and two showers, and two of everything, I'm okay. I'm really happy." And I was married 10 months later. I didn't even know John. Well, I knew him, but we weren't dating. 'Cause you have to get to that level of thinking-

    2. SB

      And 10 months later you were married?

    3. MP

      ... actually I, yeah. I came home, uh, bum, I'd knew John, our kids went to the same school. I came home from Africa in September, met him in October, we were married the following August. But I got to that level where I was so happy being, just being by myself, that I didn't chase him or think, "Oh my God, I need this." It was just like, "Oh, here you are. And I already know you and you're a great guy." And it all worked out perfectly. But you have to get away from the neediness or, "I'm running away from it," avoiding it, or desperately looking for it. In your case, looking for it but thinking, "It's a prison." You have to be at a level of, "I'm ready, but I'm happy anyway."

    4. SB

      And then from 25 to 30, the next five years, the thing that changed in my life was, I became, um, what o- what other people would c- call successful.

    5. MP

      Sure.

    6. SB

      So I had business success. Now, it's funny, because someone will look at that and go, "Okay, well for the next five years, from 25 to 30, you had money so it attracted people, whatever." Right?

    7. MP

      Yeah.

    8. SB

      But I know that that's not the full story. I know that I think the success changed my beliefs about myself.

    9. MP

      Of course it did.

    10. SB

      And I just think I stood differently, and I...

    11. MP

      Of course you did.

    12. SB

      I...

    13. MP

      You had a sense of self. "It's not that I'm rich, but it's like, I've created this. I'm worth something." Your sense

  14. 50:50 – 52:57

    🧲 Confidence is attractive: People with a strong sense of self are very attractive to others. People can sense that you believe in yourself and that you're comfortable in your own skin, and they're drawn to that.

    1. MP

      of self elevated because of what you'd done and achieved, and you grew up a bit too. And so your sense of self went up, and people like people with a strong sense of themselves. It's very attractive. It's actually very sexy. Confidence is really sexy. A sense of who you are is very sexy, for men and women. So without knowing it, that's what you got.

    2. SB

      And from 25 to 30, in that period, I no longer had that issue.

    3. MP

      Of course not.

    4. SB

      I felt, I felt that I could attract the, someone that I wanted. If I pursued someone I thought... I went into it thinking, you know, "The choice is gonna be mine."

    5. MP

      Yeah.

    6. SB

      To say that in a, in a least humble way I possibly can. And I fell in love with someone and I've been with them f- ever since.

    7. MP

      I was actually working with someone who won the lottery. And he was, he says, "Do you know what happens? When I won the lottery, women became more orgasmic." I said, "Do you know that happens all over the world? When men win the lottery their girlfriends become more orgasmic." He went, "Yeah, I don't understand it." And it was, he couldn't understand it was a bit of a joke, that of course they became more orgasmic, because he became so attractive to them, because he'd won the lottery. So that was very funny.

    8. SB

      That makes so much sense. So people are gonna hear that and go, "So you can't fake..." That's what I, I came to learn from that 10 years of my life.

    9. MP

      You can't fake it.

    10. SB

      I say it to all my friends now. I give them, I give them, I give them this, uh, well, everything I know about some of the books I read about how to be high value.

    11. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    12. SB

      And then I tell them the story that between 20 and 25-

    13. MP

      Yeah.

    14. SB

      ... I read all these books, and I still couldn't do anything about it.

    15. MP

      Hmm.

    16. SB

      So reading the books is not enough, because you can't fake it. And I say to some of my best friends, and I s- one of my close girlfriends, I said, um, "It's almost like there's a thousand little micro-expressions-"

    17. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    18. SB

      "... of low value that we, we give off." And language is just-

    19. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    20. SB

      It's a new form of communication-

    21. MP

      Yeah.

    22. SB

      ... versus the like thousand tiny things w- we don't know we do, which, which tell the person-

    23. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    24. SB

      ... that we don't value ourself-

    25. MP

      Yeah.

    26. SB

      We have no self-esteem and we're not confident.

    27. MP

      If you're looking for self-esteem anywhere outside of yourself, you're not gonna find it. If you're looking for self-esteem out there, with the Jasmines of the world or someone, unless you're looking for it in here, you're never gonna find it. So stop looking out there. Self-esteem is not out there, it's in here. And just spend some time saying, "Hey, uh, um, I can elevate my sense of self-worth,

  15. 52:57 – 58:52

    💡 Self-esteem comes from within: You can't find self-esteem outside of yourself. It's something that you have to develop from within. This means telling yourself positive things about yourself and believing in your own worth.

    1. MP

      self-value, self-image." You see, self-esteem means... If I say, "Steven, I hold you in the highest of esteem," that's what I think of you. But self-esteem is what I think of me. And what happens is we start to poke holes in our self-esteem by saying, "Oh, I'm not good enough, I'm not rich enough, smart enough, attractive enough, qualified enough." And you've got to go back and go, "No, I, I can raise my self-esteem. I matter just the way I am. I matter, I'm enough, I'm lovable." And you know, my dad always said, "The job of any school is to raise the kids' self-esteem." That's more important than learning Latin or sport. And all schools, their job is to raise kids' self... And parenting too, your job as a parent is to raise your kids' self-esteem. But nobody teaches us that. We think, "Oh no, it's organic broccoli, and making you safe, and making you learn Mandarin, sending you to a good school." No, your job is to raise kids with good self-esteem, and then they'll have relations with, who've got good self-esteem. If we could only, w- all work on self-esteem, the world would be so much better.

    2. SB

      How would you have, what would you have done with 20-year-old Steve if he'd come to you and said, "Listen, Marisa, I've pursued all these women."

    3. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SB

      "They all seem to not value me"?

    5. MP

      Yeah. Well, I would've gone right back to look at what was happening when you were growing up. What was going on with your mum and dad? Where did you get these beliefs from? What happened to you? You know, it's not what's wrong with you, it's what, what happened to you? Should never say, "What's wrong with you?" What happened to you in your formative years? What did you see growing up with your mum and dad? What did you see? So if we look at, you know, Paul McCartney, who loved Linda. And all his children have got very secure rela- Stella's got four children, amazing parent. Mary has got three children. But they're very happy. They've stayed with this, because they, they learned what they live. You learn what you live.... what did you learn? What did you live that you learned? Which was that marriage is a horrible place you can't escape from. It's punishing. It's not a place of sanctuary or love or support. Something completely different.

    6. SB

      I also think I just learnt that I was, at a very young age, that... (smacks lips) I think, maybe, that I learnt that I was unlovable at some- some level.

    7. MP

      Yeah.

    8. SB

      Because I think, think about being a Black kid in an all-white area-

    9. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    10. SB

      ... where your house is, like, dilapidated. I think that's the right word.

    11. MP

      Yeah. Sure.

    12. SB

      Where you can't... I never brought anyone home, never brought a girl home-

    13. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    14. SB

      ... in the 16-odd years that I lived in Plymouth. Never brought anyone home. No one knew where I lived. I had this, like, constant shame.

    15. MP

      Yeah. Shame and guilt.

    16. SB

      And I showed up as if I was a confident kid, like-

    17. MP

      Yeah.

    18. SB

      ... you know, playing with the football team.

    19. MP

      But it was an act.

    20. SB

      It was an act.

    21. MP

      Yeah.

    22. SB

      I think-

    23. MP

      And you went home feeling a sense... You see, one of the... Y- I taught 16,000 therapists all over the world, and I teach them, said, "There's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door, only three things." And one of them is, "I'm different so I can't connect." The next one is, "I want something, it's not available to me." And the third one is, "I'm not enough." There's a lot of versions, "I'm not smart enough, good enough." But when you told me about that little boy who was a Black kid in a white world, living in a shambolic house, never bringing people home, straightaway you're saying, "I was different, and if I'm different, I can't connect," because we connect by being the same. Kids go, "I like Postman Pat." "So do I." "I like pasta." "So do I." "I like Barbie." "So do I." "Oh, you're my friend."

    24. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    25. MP

      But when you're different, you can't connect. So you, you first had that first thing, "I'm different, so I can't connect. What I want, being the same as all the other kids, is not available to me." And if you think you're unlovable, then you have to think you're not enough. But, of course, that's what you felt. The truth is, you're deeply lovable just the way you are. But it's very hard when you don't feel it. So when you... You know, your feeling's the most real thing you have, and we're always trying to use logic. But logic doesn't work, because in a battle between emotion and logic, emotion wins every single time. So the emotion of being this kid who felt different, not enough, not the same, you can't logic that better. Yes, you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire. You remember when John Lennon said, "The thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside." And so you're trying to fake it till you make it, but then you just end up feeling like a big fake. You have to go back and look at, "Okay, I felt different," but here's an interesting thing, if our greatest fear is to feel different, it must mean I'm the same as everyone, 'cause that's our greatest fear, to be different. We used to be cast out for being different, banished for being different. But, actually, if you fear being different, already that means you're the same as everyone, because you got the same fears. And what wasn't available now, i- you've made it available many years ago, and you're deeply lovable and more than enough. So you have to, kind of, go back and look at that old scene and say, "Okay, but that's not me anymore. Of course it's not me." So, just stating why it isn't you is actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do. 'Cause we're so busy looking for how it is us, you know, here's a rule of the mind, whatever you look for, you will find. Whatever you focus on, you get more of. So when you look at how it's still you or still there or still bothering you, then you'll find it... And interesting, I think when you look at the mess in your room, you remember the shambolic house, and that's why it bothers you. Not 'cause it's messy, because you were brought up in a shambolic house. Yeah.

    26. SB

      Now you come and think, "Oh, look at this room, I've create- recreated the same." Instead of saying, "Actually, I'm in a five-star hotel. There's a maid next door. It's a little bit messy, it's not shambolic," but, you see, what your brain is looking for is what's the same. And it will always find it. But if you look for what's different, you'll find that, too. So when you have a brilliant brain, which we all have, and you definitely have, so y- you got to talk yourself out of it, not into it. You're talking yourself into how the messy room is the same as the messy home, and it bothers you greatly, 'cause it

  16. 58:52 – 59:59

    💡 Negative thoughts: Talk yourself out of it, not into it: This means telling yourself that your thoughts are wrong and that you deserve better.

    1. SB

      feels out of your control, which it was when you were a kid living in that house. Don't talk yourself in- talk yourself out of it, "Oh, yeah, I have created a mess, but hey, I'm a super successful guy, I'm busy. Someone's gonna come in and clean all of this up." And it's not the same, it's vastly different. But our mind is always looking for what's the same, 'cause it loves what is familiar. After all, you know, if you were a two-year-old kid living in the prairie, and you wanted out on the prairie, you'd only eat the berries you already knew. You wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar, 'cause it would've killed you. So, our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar, back to what is known, back to what is comfortable. I wanna make s-

    2. MP

      But let's talk about the sugar.

    3. SB

      Yeah.

    4. MP

      'Cause I've heard you say a lot.

    5. SB

      Yeah.

    6. MP

      So let's talk about that.

    7. SB

      Well, I- I- I saw this. I saw this... I saw on your- your web... One of the things I saw was the Dietless...

    8. MP

      Dietless Life.

    9. SB

      ... Lif- Life Coaching and, um, the Dietless Life website.

    10. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    11. SB

      I was on there just before I actually came in the door earlier. Um, and it said that the diet- Dietless Life resolves the underlying cause of overeating. I... Let me confess. I am someone that works out pretty much every day.

    12. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    13. SB

      I'll work out today. Although, I am going to that

  17. 59:59 – 1:02:48

    💡 Understand the root of your cravings: Once you understand the root of your cravings, you can start to develop strategies for dealing with them in a healthy way.

    1. SB

      Fred Again concert, so that might be difficult. And that's a workout. I work out pretty much every day of the week. (smacks lips) Um, the thing that's holding me back is, once in a while, I'll get into a little bit of, like, a sugar spiral.

    2. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    3. SB

      What I mean by that is, I'll eat some sugar, and then the next day I'll eat some more sugar, and then the next day I might have some more sugar.

    4. MP

      'Cause it's very addictive.

    5. SB

      Yeah. I've actually given up alcohol. I've not told anybody that-

    6. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    7. SB

      ... but I've given up alcohol completely. But this sugar thing seems to be something that I'm, like, I'm, like, battling with.

    8. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    9. SB

      It'll happen, you know, once a month, and then it could last for, like, a couple of weeks, where I just start eating things that I'm like, "Why am I eating that?" And then I'll get control again of the-

    10. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    11. SB

      ... of the ship. How do I avoid sugar? I don't like it. I don't want it. I, actually, when someone hands me something, like, the first thing I check is the sugar contents. Don't want it in my life anymore.

    12. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    13. SB

      I've made that decision.

    14. MP

      Okay.

    15. SB

      Like alcohol. Goodbye.

    16. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    17. SB

      But it seems to grab me.

    18. MP

      So, your mind always goes back to what something means. So, let's talk about little Steven. What did sugar and all the sugar treats mean to you when you were a kid?

    19. SB

      Well-

    20. MP

      What did they mean?

    21. SB

      ... well, in our house, we weren't allowed them, and we didn't-

    22. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    23. SB

      ... have them.

    24. MP

      Yeah.

    25. SB

      We were probably the only family, again because of money issues, that-

    26. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    27. SB

      ... we didn't have any nice things in the fridge.

    28. MP

      Yeah.

    29. SB

      So I would go to the corner shop after school, and I would steal as much of the sweets-

    30. MP

      Sure. (laughs)

  18. 1:02:48 – 1:03:15

    💡 Choose to love it: If you want to make healthy choices, it's important to choose to love making those choices. This means accepting that you may have to give up some things that you enjoy, but knowing that it's worth it in the long run.

    1. MP

      "I am choosing to say no, and I'm choosing to love it." I mean, uh, my parents were a bit like that, no sugar.

    2. SB

      Can you say that again?

    3. MP

      Sorry?

    4. SB

      Say that sentence again.

    5. MP

      "I'm choosing to say no to chocolate, and I'm choosing to love it. I'm choosing to say no to kids treats, and I'm choosing to love it." I was working with one of my clients who's a billionaire who goes on his boat, on his yacht, and takes all these things like refreshers and sherbet stuff 'cause he wasn't allowed them as a child, and he even has got his own chef.

  19. 1:03:15 – 1:05:19

    🧠 You're looking for the feeling, not the thing: When you crave something, it's often not the thing itself that you're craving, but the feeling that it represents.

    1. MP

      That makes him happy because it's something that was forbidden. And so when he gets it, he thinks, "Oh, I feel so thrilled," because it did that when you would get it, it made you happy. So you're looking for the feeling, not the thing, and you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway. So I just want you to remember, "I feel the same when I want it, and I feel the same when I get it. But could I get the feeling without having it?" Of course you could. It's really easy too. Shall I, shall I hypnotize you back to that little boy that wanted the sugar so badly so we can change it?

    2. SB

      Yes.

    3. MP

      Would you like that?

    4. SB

      (laughs) Yes.

    5. MP

      Shall we do it now?

    6. SB

      Let's do it now.

    7. MP

      Okay. Being hypnotized is really easy. I'll show you what you do.

    8. SB

      Okay.

    9. MP

      It's about the eyes. So if you look at me, you're going to look up, like that. Breathe in. Breathe out. Take another deep breath, keeping your eyeballs up. Every time you blink, deep, powerful hypnosis is coming upon you. Breathe out. And just one more time, keep your eyeballs up, and this time, the more you blink, the deeper you go into hypnosis. As you exhale, keep your eyeballs up. Close your eyelids down. And I'm going to tell you, Stephen, that your eyelids are locked shut, glued shut, sealed together. Your eyelids are glued tight. Try to open your eyes, find they're locked shut. Go deeper. Try to open your eyes, find they are glued tight. Go deeper. And one more time, try to open your eyes, find they are fused together. Go deeper, deeper, deeper. Your mind, Stephen, knows exactly what chocolate and children's sweets represent to you. I'm gonna count backwards from five to one. Your brilliant mind's going to take you right back, easily, powerfully to a scene that is all to do with why as an adult you keep going back to sugar. The minute you get that information, it's gonna be such a game changer. And of course, you can't relive anything. It's not possible. You can only review. You can't relive being that little boy, but you can review it.

  20. 1:05:19 – 1:07:10

    💡 Review your memories with insight and understanding: If you have negative memories from your childhood, it can be helpful to review them with insight and understanding. This means looking at the memories from a new perspective and trying to understand why they were so painful.

    1. MP

      And any scene you go back to, even if it's sad, you're gonna look at it with fascination, with insight, with innate understanding of how those scenes then shaped you today. So let's go. So you're about seven. Describe what's happening in this scene.

    2. SB

      I'm sat on a grass hill.

    3. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SB

      I have these boring sandwiches-

    5. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    6. SB

      ... in my lunchbox.

    7. MP

      I want you to ... It's very important to feel the feeling. You're doing fantastic. I want you to say, "I'm s- looking at my lunchbox, I'm seven years old, and I feel so disappointed."

    8. SB

      I'm looking at my lunchbox, I'm seven years old, and I feel so disappointed.

    9. MP

      Is there anything you can do to change the lunchbox?

    10. SB

      No. Uh, I could s- I could steal some money from somewhere to buy the things I want-

    11. MP

      Yeah.

    12. SB

      ... or I could s- swap or steal-

    13. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    14. SB

      ... some other food or something.

    15. MP

      How else is that little kid feeling?

    16. SB

      Buying sugar, or getting it-

    17. MP

      Mm-hmm.

    18. SB

      ... makes me feel ... makes me feel powerful.

    19. MP

      Sure.

    20. SB

      You know? There's always been that kind of underlying thing because I could never have it.

    21. MP

      Yeah.

    22. SB

      As an adult, it's kind of like an expression of, like, my, my new autonomy.

    23. MP

      Yeah.

    24. SB

      And like, you know?

    25. MP

      Of course. "I can have whatever I want."

    26. SB

      Yeah.

    27. MP

      So now I want you to go back to the little kid sitting on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunchbox, and I want you to say to me, "That's not me anymore," because, and you need to tell me exactly why. Justify and tell me why that's not you.So repeat after me, "That little kid on, that little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunch box..."

    28. SB

      That little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing

  21. 1:07:10 – 1:12:28

    🪞 Tell yourself that you're not that person with cravings anymore. The best way to deal with temptation is to become indifferent to it.

    1. SB

      lunch box-

    2. MP

      "... is not me."

    3. SB

      ... is not me.

    4. MP

      "And will never be me ever again."

    5. SB

      And will never be me ever again.

    6. MP

      "Because..."

    7. SB

      "Because I can have whatever I want now."

    8. MP

      Yeah. You're not seven. Your mother doesn't provide your lunch every day, does she?

    9. SB

      No.

    10. MP

      And if she did and you hated it, couldn't you go out and get whatever you want?

    11. SB

      Yeah.

    12. MP

      I want you to, "That's not me."

    13. SB

      That's not me.

    14. MP

      "I'll never be seven-"

    15. SB

      I'll never be seven-

    16. MP

      "... with a disappointing lunch ever again."

    17. SB

      ... with a disappointing lunch ever again.

    18. MP

      "I'll never be seven, having less than other people ever again."

    19. SB

      I'll never be seven, having less than other people ever again.

    20. MP

      "That can't be me."

    21. SB

      That can't be me.

    22. MP

      "I can have whatever I want now."

    23. SB

      I can have whatever I want now.

    24. MP

      "And what I really want-"

    25. SB

      And what I really want-

    26. MP

      "... is to be indifferent to sugar."

    27. SB

      ... is to be indifferent to sugar.

    28. MP

      Now, I want you to think of the words that little kid needed to hear. You know better than me that when you were seven, eight, nine, 10, what you most needed to hear, what you most needed to feel, that you were the same, that you were equal, that you had everything others had. And I want you to repeat some of those words. You can do it in your head or out loud. What are the missing words you never heard and always wanted to hear?

    29. SB

      Hmm. One of them was, uh, "You have the same resources and money and value as all of your friends."

    30. MP

      So say that to the little kid, "You have the same money-"

Episode duration: 1:22:57

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