The Diary of a CEOThe Top 6 Habits Destroying Your Relationships! - Lewis Howes
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
150 min read · 30,089 words- 0:00 – 1:23
Intro
- SBSteven Bartlett
Could you do me a quick favor if you're listening to this? Please hit the follow or subscribe button. It helps more than you know. And we invite subscribers in every month to watch the show in person.
- LHLewis Howes
Am I doing everything in my power to live the way I wanna live? Because if it could be over in a moment, I gotta shift my attention to things that really matter. (upbeat music) Our next guest has quite the resume. Former professional football player turned lifestyle entrepreneur. He was making millions of dollars and helping others achieve their dreams.
- SBSteven Bartlett
New York Times bestselling author. School of Greatness.
- LHLewis Howes
Please welcome Lewis Howes.
- SBSteven Bartlett
You have been very, very open about the abuse you suffered when you were five.
- LHLewis Howes
I mean, I knew something was wrong. I knew something was off. Every single day for 25 years, I thought about it. I needed to heal the memories of the past in order to create a healthy relationship with myself and others in the present. The challenge is most men have not been taught how to effectively communicate their guilt, their insecurities. Constantly working on yourself is huge in intimacy in relationships.
- SBSteven Bartlett
What is the single biggest killer of relationships?
- LHLewis Howes
I'm gonna say something right now that you're probably not gonna like.
- SBSteven Bartlett
So without further ado, I'm Steven Bartlett, and this is The Diary of a CEO. I hope nobody's listening, but if you are, then please keep this to yourself. (upbeat music)
- 1:23 – 11:59
Healing my childhood trauma
- SBSteven Bartlett
Lewis, I have to start with a, with a point of gratitude, which is thank you so much for doing this. You are, and I don't say this lightly, but you are one of the real inspirations for me in this whole podcasting content space, because you've been... You, you're like the GOAT in my eyes.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
You, you've- You're the guy that did it first in, in our space.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And did it best at the same time. But not just that. When I got to meet you maybe a month ago in Dubai, I was pretty much in awe of, uh, a bunch of things that I noticed about you that really set you apart. One of them was this real unbelievable self-awareness, which I talked to my team about before you got here. I said, "He's one of the most self-aware guys that I've ever met, because he's done and doing the work."
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And the second thing is... There's actually three, probably three things that come to mind. The second thing is your genuine curiosity about humans on a very deep level. Because we'd be having, we were having a conversation at 2:00 AM in a bar.
- LHLewis Howes
(laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
And if there was this- a moment of silence, it would be interjected by you with like a, "Tell me three things that you're, your biggest failings in life or three things-"
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And I just thought, "This is a guy that doesn't wanna mess around at surface level with small talk-"
- LHLewis Howes
No.
- SBSteven Bartlett
"... and things that don't matter." And then the third point, which kinda links to those two in some way is your unbelievable ability to speak and deliver a concept or an idea with wisdom and a personal anecdote in- attached in a way that's captivating to the point that people don't tune out when you're talking.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And I don't, I'm not blowing smoke up your ass, but I genuinely was like, "I need to learn this."
- LHLewis Howes
(laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
Specifically that delivery of ideas. And having seen you on Jay's and Tom Bilyeu's podcasts-
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... I saw it then again, and it's a combination of all that self-awareness and practice. But there was something else which you showed me when we were in Dubai having that conversation at 2:00 AM in the morning, which is where I wanted to start our conversation today, which was the, the screensaver of your phone.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
That really stayed with me.
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Can you tell me what the screensaver of your phone is?
- LHLewis Howes
This is, uh, yeah, I don't know if you guys, for those watching on YouTube, I don't know if you guys can see this, but this is a photo of myself, uh, when I was probably about five years old, and, um, I put it on there a year ago because I was doing some intensive, I would say inner child healing with a therapist I was working in, in a, in another relationship that I was ending. I was ending a relationship, and I realized that in relationships in the past, I was repeating a pattern of people pleasing, of saying yes to things that I didn't wanna say yes to, of changing and shifting who I authentically was in order to try to please or make someone else happy. And a lot of it came from the dynamics of my childhood, from being sexually abused, from having just, uh, a challenging, let's say, family dynamic, uh, with parents and things like that. And so for years, I was never taught on how to deal with my inner child. I never was taught how to heal the things that I was really wounded as a child. And so having these experiences of intensive emotional intelligence and therapy training on dealing with previous relationships and then in a current relationship was extremely helpful for me. And my, my therapist said, "We gotta heal that part of your life that is attached to a memory of a wound, and unless you heal that, you're gonna keep repeating certain patterns." And so that's why I had that on there, and I'm actually gonna change it to a different period of time in my life when I was about 11 or 12. That's the next phase of growth for me is to actually heal that next stage. So that's why I do it.
- SBSteven Bartlett
What was the, the world and the perception of the world that that five-year-old Lewis Howes saw and felt? What was he feeling and seeing?
- LHLewis Howes
Oh, man. (sighs) He was abandoned. He was abused. He was taken advantage of. He was unworthy. He was unlovable. And that was what I believed. And so it's hard to create a meaningful relationship with myself and with another person if that story or narrative or belief was still there for me, which it was unconsciously. So I needed to heal the memories of the past in order to create a healthy relationship with myself and others in the present.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And where did that story come from that he was unlovable?
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
I've heard you describe yourself even as thinking you were dumb.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- 11:59 – 18:17
What were the dynamics with your parents?
- LHLewis Howes
up.
- SBSteven Bartlett
In terms of models when you were growing up, could you tell me a little bit about the dynamics of your parents as well? Because I've heard you describe that early life and, um...Yeah. The quote that I, that I read from you was that they were miserable times and the tension in the house-
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... impacted you and your siblings.
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah, I mean, I grew up, (sighs) it's challenging because my father just passed away a month and a half ago, and for 17 years he, (smacks lips) he got in an accident 17 years ago, uh, with a car accident where a car came up on his car, hit him through the windshield and split his head open. He was in a coma for a few months, had severe brain trauma, stayed alive miraculously, but just had a challenging 17 years where he never fully recovered. So it was a, it was an interesting dynamic with my dad the last 17 years. Growing up as the youngest of four, my siblings, I feel like, probably had it worse than me. They had to deal with, you know, 20-year-old parents, my, my parents were 20 when they had my brother, and then 24 when they had my sister, and then 28 when they had my other sister, then they had me at 31. So they had to deal, you know, grow up with parents who didn't have these tools either. So I have a lot of grace for my parents because they didn't have the tools of emotional regulation or how to communicate effectively or how to process wounds. And I think if you don't know how to process wounds, it's going to be hard to just interact without being defensive or reactive or, you know, all- all these different things, passive-aggressive. (breathes deeply) So I grew up for the first 13 years of my life in fear. In fear. I knew my parents loved me, but there was this, like, energy that felt fearful and I was afraid of my father.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Why?
- LHLewis Howes
(sighs) He was pretty angry. He was an angry guy, and he would... he was super loving, but then he would explode at times because he didn't know how to process emotions, and he had wounds. And so that was the challenging thing. It was, it was confusing. And they weren't loving towards each other, so I didn't feel safe. My brother went away to prison when I was eight years old for f- for four and a half years. So every weekend we would travel two year- uh, two hours to go to a prison visiting room and see my brother for a few hours. So I was exposed to things that I probably shouldn't have been exposed to at eight years old until 12, which expanded my mind and my, my, my world view and my perception of people, but also was just challenging to have a sibling in jail for that long and dealing with the dynamics of that. Yeah, it was just a... it was a challenging time. But at 13, I begged my parents to send me away. I went to a private boarding school at 13, uh, for middle school and high school, and I couldn't get away fast enough. They didn't send me away because I was a bad kid. I begged them to send me away because I didn't feel safe at home.
- SBSteven Bartlett
I really want to dig into that.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
What was it... Your dad's anger, and his, his anger directed, I guess, at you or your siblings or your mo-
- LHLewis Howes
All of us, yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
All of us?
- LHLewis Howes
But it wasn't all the time. You know, so again, he was a loving guy. He would tuck me into bed at night. He would play catch with me in the backyard.
- SBSteven Bartlett
But then there'd be-
- LHLewis Howes
But then there'd be an explosion and we just didn't know when it would be. And so the beautiful part about my dad is he had a massive transformation when I turned 13. He started to dive into the emotional intelligence training, workshops, and, and seeking wisdom on how to process his emotions. And he had an incredible, you know, healing, transformation. So from 13 to 21, I had this incredible relationship with my dad. He would fly out to all my games. He would be so loving and supportive. He, he wasn't angry. He wasn't reactive. He had this transformation. So it's almost like I had two lives with my dad. The first half of, first 13 years, I loved him but I was also afraid of him. 13 to 21, he was like my best friend. And so when he got in his accident, when I was around 21, it was devastating because now I didn't have a mentor that now was showing up in a different way, was loving, was vulnerable. I saw him cry a lot more. I saw him just be sensitive. So when he got in his accident, I didn't have that anymore. He wasn't able to have that relationship with me because of the brain accident, and this was a time when I felt like I needed it the most, right? I went to go play arena football. I went to go chase a dream. I got injured in the, at the end of the first season, had a surgery with my wrist, and at that time it was 2000, end of 2007, 2008, the economy was crashing in USA. People weren't hiring those who had master's degrees. I barely graduated with a, you know, just a-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- LHLewis Howes
... a general degree. I'm living on my sister's couch for a year and a half. I've got no money. I've got no mentorship from my father. And so in a sense, it was almost like... This is the weird thing when I reflect back on it because I don't think I would be the man I am today without his accident, although I wish he didn't have the accident. I don't think I'd be in service. I don't think I would care about people as much. I don't think I'd be on a mission to want to change lives and serve millions of people around the world. I don't think I'd be doing an interview show or a podcast. I don't think I'd be writing books or all these things. But something shifted within me because he was physically alive but emotionally and mentally not there. So I didn't have that access to a relationship. Something shifted in me where I couldn't rely on him for money, for kind of that wisdom. I had to... I just had to unleash something new that was... that I didn't think it was inside of me. And I don't know if your parents are still around or if your dad is still around.
- SBSteven Bartlett
They are, yeah. Yeah.
- LHLewis Howes
Something shifted in me 17 years ago when my dad got in the accident and then something shifted even more in the last month and a half when he passed that is hard to explain. I don't know. I- I haven't really fully processed it. It's still kind of a processing time and there's some, a lot of gratitude and memories, but a lot of sadness tied to it. But I just don't think I'd be the man I am without his accident because it made me unleash something inside of me that...... was untapped.
- 18:17 – 23:56
What was the impact of your dad’s accident on you?
- LHLewis Howes
- SBSteven Bartlett
When I met you in Dubai, every topic you talked on, you talked on as if you'd processed it and done work on it, and you had a perspective on it.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And then when you spoke about your dad, it was like the end of a, what we call a cul-de-sac, getting to the end of a street where there's nowhere else to go. It was like you hadn't...
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
The conversation ended there.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And you would look down at the floor.
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And I know, I'm so sorry to hear of, of your loss by the way.
- LHLewis Howes
Thank you.
- SBSteven Bartlett
But I could see that it was still something that your... I could, there was two kind of suspicions I had. One was that, A, you, you were still processing it of course.
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
But the second was that there was a profound lesson somewhere there.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Because of the pause you took and the way that you looked at the floor. And, but on every other topic, you were like, illuminated-
- LHLewis Howes
Sure.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... is the best way to describe it. (laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
Sure, sure.
- SBSteven Bartlett
You see what I mean? So.
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah, I think one of the things that it, it taught me 17 years ago was that my dad also felt larger than life. I don't know if your father felt that way, feels that way as well.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah. (laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
But he felt larger than life. He was extremely intelligent and smart. He was very charismatic. He was resourceful, talented. He was, he became, he was a big lover. He loved people, and he gave his heart in a big way after this transformation. And he cared deeply about relationships. Like, I witnessed things he did that brought smiles to people's faces all the time. Which is probably a lot of the things that I've, like, translated into my own life. But one of the things it taught me was that if this can happen to a guy who feels larger than life in a moment, when he was on vacation with his then, uh, you know, partner at the time, not my mother, they got divorced, but they were on vacation having a great time, if this can happen in a moment, at any time, then it brought so much urgency to my life to make sure I pursued the things that, uh, really are meaningful to me. And for years, there were things that I had to do that I wasn't like, loving, I had to work really hard to get to that place. When I was broke and had no money on my sister's couch, it wasn't like this all just unfolded perfectly. It was years of effort, work, late nights, all that stuff. But it made me just say, "What is my mission? What is my intention for this season of my life? And am I doing everything in my power to live the way I wanna live?" Because if it could be over in a moment, I've gotta shift my attention to things that really matter. And so that was a big powerful shift for me. And when he passed last month, it made it even clearer. You know, there's so many opportunities for someone like yourself and myself at this stage of our life and our careers, and a lot of opportunities can seem incredible. Here's a big money-making opportunity, here's a cool project I can do with someone, here's these things that are coming my way. But if it's not aligning to my mission of something greater, if it's not aligning to my ultimate level of joy and authentic power, then should I be doing it right now? If it was all over in a day, in a month, in a year, is this something I would say yes to? And so it's just bringing me closer to that awareness that how it could all be over in a moment. And it brings the energy back to like my relationship with my girlfriend. I'm like, "If it was over tomorrow, am I doing and saying what I need to say today?" And that's been a powerful thing for me.
- SBSteven Bartlett
There's a real, uh, I mean, I, I always reflect on this, that Bronnie Ware, who was the palliative nurse who interviewed people on, in their last days. And the retrospective clarity people must have in their last days about what they did and didn't do-
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... right is, is so, so empowering. But as you say there, one of the things that terrifies me is my dad is ill.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
He's like not in good health, and he's, he's outlived his siblings.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And his life, if you look at it in any kind of comparative measure, was way more stressful than them, and his brother died of a heart attack.
- 23:56 – 25:44
Importance of communicating with your parents
- LHLewis Howes
you just never know, at any moment.
- SBSteven Bartlett
What if someone's sat listening to this now and they think, "Well, my parents or my dad or my mom or whatever was abusive or toxic-"
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
"... or whatever to me." Is-
- LHLewis Howes
I think you've gotta ask yourself, "If they died today, would I be happy with how I communicated, how I showed up?" And maybe that means you need to disown your parents for a season of life because you're not able to get along.But are you still happy if you did that with everything you tried to do from a loving, calm, healed place? It's your healing journey. It's not about what they do or what they didn't do, it's about your healing journey. And I look at it as a gift from everything I experienced from my childhood. You know, I don't look at it as a painful thing anymore. You know, I'm not living in fear from the memories of my past anymore. I look at it as, God, I'm so grateful that I grew up feeling insecure, unlovable, and really dumb, because I care deeply about loving other people, I care deeply about being a good listener and showing people how much I care.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- LHLewis Howes
I care deeply about wisdom and knowledge in a different way, not just from school and books, but from interactions with human experiences, adventure, learning new skills and hobbies, and just progressing as a human. And I think, you know, even from the sexual abuse, I'm not mad at it anymore. I'm not hurt by it anymore. I hope it never happens to anyone in the history, I don't wish it on anyone, but I also know that it gave me an incredible gift because I've healed from it, I've taken my power back from that, and I know that it's benefited me now because I've rewritten the story about what it means about me. And I think if we can rewrite those stories in an empowering way, then we are not powerless, we're powerful.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- 25:44 – 31:46
Learning the art of emotional regulation / Allowing myself to be vulnerable changed my life
- SBSteven Bartlett
To that point of your healing journey there-
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... you describe your life in these three sort of sections, right? You've got the, I think it's the, the pre-teens?
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah. (laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
And then it's, like, the teen to 22, and then it's the, uh, is it four? And then the 20s and then the 30s, right?
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
The 20s phase, as I read it, as I read through the whole, all the experiences on-
- LHLewis Howes
(laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
... you, you know, your sister's sofa, the LinkedIn stuff-
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... you'd done, felt a little bit like you were finding yourself a little bit, right?
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah, of course, yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And then post-30s, it's, it feels like the work really started to begin.
- LHLewis Howes
I mean, 30 is when everything started to change because that's the moment I allowed myself to be vulnerable for the first time. I just thought I had it figured out. And what I realized is I knew nothing.
- SBSteven Bartlett
There were symptoms of an internal conflict that suggested to you-
- LHLewis Howes
100%.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... that you didn't have it figured out.
- LHLewis Howes
Of course, yeah. I was-
- SBSteven Bartlett
What were the symptoms of that? (laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
(laughs) I mean, I mean, getting in fistfights on a basketball court in a, in a pickup game that's supposed to be fun and, and reacting so much to someone jabbing me, you know, in the ribs or s- or, or smack talking me, talking bad or just, like, talking trash and being so reactive to getting it-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Explosive, like your father?
- LHLewis Howes
So explosive. Yeah, extremely explosive. Again, it was more of, like, I didn't heal a lot of things from my childhood. It wasn't, like, one thing from my dad or the sexual abuse-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- LHLewis Howes
It was kind of, like, the entire childhood. All the stories and all the examples that made me feel like I'm not lovable or I'm someone to be taken advantage of was still inside of me. And so it wasn't just one thing or one experience, it was all of it that was building a case for me to be reactive and explosive and feel like, uh, you know, the, the world was just out to get me or something. And when I learned the art of emotional regulation, that's when everything started to change. And I learned a part of that at 30 until 37. But in intimate relationships, I still hadn't learned how to fully love and honor my authentic power. I still gave in because I deeply wanted people to like me, I deeply wanted the person that I was giving my heart to to love and accept me. And yet I was choosing people based on a wound still from my parents, from my mom, you know, giving in, from my mom not feeling probably loved and accepted and kind of repeating that pattern of her with my dad. I was finding partners like that. And I was taking on the mother role, like, kind of what my mom was taking on, and I was giving in. I watched her give in over and over and over to my dad and never stand up for who she truly was. You know, un- this is all unconscious. It wasn't until about a year ago when I started to learn this and process it. So I was choosing partners that, after a period of time, they would get upset at me over and over of lots of different things. They just weren't happy with who I was or the actions or decisions or things I did in my business or whatever, whatever it was that made them feel like they were insecure or something.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Same.
- LHLewis Howes
And so I would say, "Okay, I'll, I'll change this to make you happy. Okay, you don't like me doing this? Okay, I'll stop doing this. Okay, you don't like me salsa dancing, you don't like me traveling, you don't like me speaking, you don't like me doing..." Okay, like, whatever's gonna make you happy, because there was love there. And I thought that when you love someone, you'll do whatever you can to make that love stay, to make it last. And so I would give and give and give up who I was in order to create peace and love. And what I was doing was creating incredible pain, resentment, and anger, and frustration with- inside of me of the person, of the relationship, and of myself.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Because you were abandoning yourself.
- LHLewis Howes
Abandoning myself over and over again. And I didn't know how to say no and how s- how to be around someone who was unhappy with me in intimacy. I could do this in business and friends, but in intimacy when there was love, I didn't know how to say no, and so I just gave in to create peace. And what I realized is that, you know, I was looking to create- to buy peace by abandoning myself, but you can't buy peace. We must be peace. And if someone is okay with that, great. And if they're not, then maybe you're not in alignment, and that's okay. But I was not willing to let go of the feeling of love. It was a false love. It wasn't authentic love, because authentic love is accepting the person for who they are and them accepting you for who you are.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- LHLewis Howes
It's not trying to change the person. If you're trying to change someone, you shouldn't be with them. We should be elevating each other to grow. But if there are fundamental things about-... you that I don't like-
- 31:46 – 41:23
Why I didn’t compromise my core values (and being honest in your relationships)
- SBSteven Bartlett
And do you know what's really interesting is when you told me that you were a people pleaser, um, I couldn't believe that. I'm like, "What? You? Big tough athlete man?"
- LHLewis Howes
(laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
"People pleaser?" Care-
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
You know what I mean?
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
But it just... it goes to show that that sort of, that trauma in us-
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... um, is kind of agnostic to, to, to our mask, or our-
- LHLewis Howes
Absolutely.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... you know, certain... And I, when you told me that, 'cause we had a little bit of this conversation-
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... just a hint of it in, in... when we met in Dubai, I realized that I'd been a people pleaser.
- LHLewis Howes
Really?
- SBSteven Bartlett
But I never thought that I was. In all of my relationships, I think the significant reason why they failed is exactly what you've described. I've gone in trying to compromise everything.
- LHLewis Howes
Really?
- SBSteven Bartlett
And, and... Oh, my god.
- LHLewis Howes
For love.
- SBSteven Bartlett
My god.
- LHLewis Howes
Just to keep the peace, keep the love.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Just to, just to keep them and try and keep them happy-
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... um, with me. And in the short term, that day, fine. You go any kind of mid to long-harm time horizon-
- LHLewis Howes
No, can't do it. No.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... and it's resentment-
- LHLewis Howes
Exhausting.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... anger, exhaustion, arguments-
- LHLewis Howes
So, it's a weight.
- SBSteven Bartlett
A weight. (laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
So exhaustion, man. You know, I take full responsibility for every relationship I've chosen and been in and stayed in because I could've gotten out of any relationship at any moment. But I was afraid and I lacked the, really the self-confidence to step away because I was afraid of losing love.
- 41:23 – 54:03
The power of honesty in relationships
- SBSteven Bartlett
When you talk about priorities, I was trying to, in my head, think of a (laughs) a use of words that might be more, um, (laughs) received better. And I... It's funny because I was thinking about this table. I was thinking there's... This table we're, we're on now has two levels, right?
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
The first foundation of this table you could call health, right? Without that, nothing else can sit on the table.
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
The second foundation could be mission, and then the relationship sits on top of both.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And it's, it's enabled by the foundation of my, my health and my mission.
- LHLewis Howes
Absolutely, man.
- SBSteven Bartlett
I think if you kind of flip it, it kind of sounds better. (laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
(laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
So, but I was thinking, put that... You... Like, because effectively you're putting your health at the bottom-
- LHLewis Howes
(coughs) Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
(coughs) ... which is... But it's also still your foundation. But I completely get that because at any time in my life where I've abandoned my, my sense of mission, I can only do that for a short period of time.
- LHLewis Howes
Absolutely.
- SBSteven Bartlett
I can only fake that before I start to lose orientation in my mind. And-
- LHLewis Howes
And you resent yourself.
- SBSteven Bartlett
I resent myself and the person. Yeah.
- LHLewis Howes
You resent the person, you resent the relationship, and you're like... You're not in love as much with the relationship because you feel like you're not... It's not lifting you to your highest calling.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Amen.
- LHLewis Howes
And I think the beautiful thing about Martha and our relationship, I think she'll be open with me talking about this, but every relationship I've been in, I was like, I wonder what it would be like to start therapy in the beginning when everything is perfect. So with Martha, I said in the beginning, I said, "Listen-... I'm doing therapy every two weeks. I did this for the last year on my own, individually. I'm gonna be doing it for this next year and years. Just as emotional accountability for myself in life, business, friends, family. Like, anything I need to process, it's just good for me to clean the energy and not let things pile up. And I said, "I'd love for us..." And she was doing this individually. I said, "I'd love for us to do this together as we start to develop our relationship when things are great, and actually see if we are in alignment." And so two weekends ago, we did a five-hour session together with my therapist talking about expectations, agreements, values, dreams, vision, and just processing anything we needed to process. And it was such a powerful experience that when things are going good, to continue to talk about vision casting, what we wanna build together, not when things are going bad.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- LHLewis Howes
And it's really to talk about things that maybe we haven't fully been o- comfortable talking about yet, and putting it out there, as opposed to hiding things or waiting for things to come out later. And it was such a powerful five-hour experience. I mean, it's very emotional and you're processing a lot. And we're, we're diving in deep exercises, eye gazing, talking about things. Like, it's an emotional relationship workout.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah.
- LHLewis Howes
You'll save a lot of time and headache by going to therapy when things are great, as opposed to when things are bad.
- SBSteven Bartlett
It's like that prevention versus reacting to-
- LHLewis Howes
Prevention, man.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... once it's reared its u- ugly head-
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... and there's been some bust up.
- LHLewis Howes
You go to the gym not because you're sick, but because you're healthy.
- 54:03 – 57:50
Knowing your values and vision
- LHLewis Howes
- SBSteven Bartlett
Can you run me through them? 'Cause I know there's gonna be people that, people listening to this that have just had, we've both done this exercise and it was amazing-
- LHLewis Howes
Yes.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... and they're gonna, they're now thinking, "What is the values part-"
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
"... what is the vision part, and what's the lifestyle part?"
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah, I think the values is really about... Well, for, for me, the values is like, okay, I value health in my life. I'm, I'm gonna be focused on my health. I value my mission, my team, my business, like, that's a conscious mission. I value spending time with friends. I value all my hobbies and activities. That's salsa dancing, that's traveling, that's all these different things I enjoy doing. I value conscious conversations. Like, I wanna have conscious conversations. I can't have superficial conversations. I literally met someone this morning before I came here, um...... who is a part of a big company here in, in London. And within two minutes, I probably, like, shouldn't do this, but I don't know if all British people are this way, and it's not a bad thing, but they're very good with, like, surface talk.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah. (laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
You know? (laughs) "Oh, how was your, how was the flight?" And, uh-
- SBSteven Bartlett
The weather.
- LHLewis Howes
"... let's order some tea and crumpets," or whatever it is, you know, and it's like...
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
Which is fine, but I just can't handle it after a few minutes. So right away, I s- um, the person is sitting next to me, I was like, "How's your marriage?" You know?
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
I was just asking, I was just like, I was, "H- how long have you been married for?" You know, and she was like, "Oh, I've been married for, like, six years." And I go, "What's three questions you wish you would have asked?"
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
I literally did this. I go, "What's three questions you wish you would have asked the day before you got married that you didn't ask?" 'Cause I'm just fascinated by people, you know, I'm curious. I'm like, "How amazing has the marriage been? How has it been, has it been healthy, have you had challenges? Is there anything you wish you would've changed or talked about sooner?" And right away, she was like opening up and, like, being vulnerable.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah.
- LHLewis Howes
And I was like, "Sorry to put this on you right now, but I'm just fascinated 'cause I wanna learn from everyone." And, um, so I was like, "I wanna have conscious conversations." It's one of my values. So we have these deep, intimate talks all the time. And so I write down a list of all my values. The vision is, this is the vision for my personal life, so personally I wanna be working out, I'm gonna be healthy. As an individual, my vision is my, my mission, which is building a conscious business to serve millions of people, to help them improve the quality of their life. And, uh, this is a major priority to me. This is my one and two priority, this is my vision. And also our relationship vision, which I think is extremely important to talk about with your partner. Here is the vision I have for our relationship, for these, these couple years and for the future. This is what I see. With flexibility, nothing's set in stone, but this is what I see. What is your vision for our relationship? Because maybe her or his re- vision is different. One person wants to have kids, the other person doesn't. One wants to get married, the other doesn't. One wants an open relationship, the other one doesn't want that. One wants their family around every weekend. The other one's like, "I don't want to be around your family every weekend."
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm.
- LHLewis Howes
So what is the vision of our shared relationship? And then lifestyle. I love, you know, traveling. Do you like to travel? I love to watch these types of movies, I like to eat these types of foods, I like these types of experiences. This is a lifestyle that I live. If you have a completely different lifestyle, that's gonna be hard for us. If you like to do none of those things, if you like to stay at home every day, where I wanna go out and network with people and travel, that's just gonna be a tot- we're gonna be butting heads a lot, and there might be... Maybe it works, but it might cause some friction and distance in the future. So are we in alignment of values, vision, and lifestyle? It doesn't have to be 100% perfect, but is there alignment in each category? And I think the more alignment you have, the more potential for a better, healthier relationship.
- 57:50 – 1:01:26
Balancing work and relationships
- SBSteven Bartlett
And on things like work, this is obviously a big one for ambitious people-
- LHLewis Howes
Uh-huh.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... when they, um, when they're running a business, they're career-driven, they're v- vision or mission-driven, and they have a partner, I wanna know from a work perspective what kinda conversation you've had with Martha-
- LHLewis Howes
Uh-huh.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... and vice versa. Because know you're a guy that travels a lot, does a lot of speaking-
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... is very, you know, in pursuit of yourself and your potential, so how do you then balance, like, being a, a boyfriend, being present, going on dates and stuff? What's the conversation?
- LHLewis Howes
When I first met her, I said, "One of my values is alone time." Like, that's one of my values as well-
- SBSteven Bartlett
That's one of mine.
- LHLewis Howes
... is having alone time, having enough space in our home so that I can go in a room and do what I wanna do and watch sports or chill, and you can do what you wanna do, and I feel like we have space. It doesn't mean I don't wanna be around her all the time, but I also value my space and alone time and so does she. So it's having those conversations. And with b- with business, I said, "Listen, if you can come on any trip, like, you're more than welcome to come. I'd love for you to come." But she's doing her own thing. She's traveling as well, back and forth from Atlanta, so. Um, and she'll be filming two movies later this year and gone for two months at a time, so I'll need to travel at those times and she'll travel with me, and that's the season of our life right now.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And are you, you're anticipating another season at some point, I imagine?
- LHLewis Howes
At some point, yeah. I mean, it may evolve. It may change, and the family and all these other things. So it's like when that season happens, there may be less travel for her, yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
How do you feel about that?
- LHLewis Howes
About what?
- SBSteven Bartlett
About the next season of family-
- LHLewis Howes
(laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
... 'cause you have a smirk on your face which is-
- LHLewis Howes
Well, I, I, this is something that I say to her. I go, "Listen, I'm really intentional about building a deep, strong foundation. Let's keep sh- building a strong foundation and everything else will follow. If I feel a sense of peace or feel a sense of safety in this relationship, just like you-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- LHLewis Howes
... then all these other things are gonna happen naturally, and they'll probably happen fast naturally, once we both have a deeper foundation and just experience life more," so.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Have you historically had a commitment challenge?
- LHLewis Howes
100%, man. 100%. Well, actually-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Does it make you scared?
- LHLewis Howes
... I haven't had a commitment challenge because I've always been committed. I've been in very long-term committed relationships.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Interesting.
- LHLewis Howes
But I've had a commitment challenge in seeing around family and kids because I never trusted the person I was with fully, so I couldn't see myself having kids with them, and I kept waiting to see something to shift to where I felt like... And this was kinda where my head would go, this is maybe weird, but I'd say, "If something ever happened to me, could I trust this person would take care of my kids?" And I just never felt that, 'cause I never felt like I could trust them with me. Like, again, I take full responsibility and accountability because I chose people that didn't accept me fully, that weren't happy with who I was, and so that's on me. And I never felt like I could go to the next level with any of them because I was like, "Something's off inside and I feel like, ugh, I'm changing who I am to make them happy and they're still not happy."... so I can't have kids with, I can't see myself living like this for, you know, 20 years with someone, so...
- SBSteven Bartlett
And that kind of trauma, that niggle-
- LHLewis Howes
Oh, man.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... is, is that still inside you there somewhere? Where, as you think about this-
- LHLewis Howes
I don't, I think it was in the first maybe few months of us dating, but I don't feel like it is anymore. Yeah, I feel like every day, I create more and more peace-
- 1:01:26 – 1:11:00
Biggest killer of relationships
- LHLewis Howes
- SBSteven Bartlett
Of all the things you've learned from your good and bad relationships, if you were to have, if I had to, if I said to you that, what is the single biggest killer of relationships, what would your answer be?
- LHLewis Howes
Uh, I would say the biggest killer of relationships is being out of integrity with your authentic power and abandoning yourself to create peace in the relationship. Because if one person's doing that or two people are doing that, there's some type of codependency, there's some type of wound on why we're doing that, that's creating that. So for me, the biggest killer is not healing. That's the biggest killer. Whatever wounds we have, be on the healing journey. It's not a, it's not gonna happen overnight, it's not like a moment, it's a journey of healing. And I think, um, the more people are willing to dive into their heart and their emotions, and whatever insecurities, wherever they feel triggered, that's where you need to lean into. Because that trigger's gonna come up in the relationships big time if you haven't healed it. So it's the emotional healing, I think, is one of the most powerful things. It's funny, I interviewed a brain surgeon who'd done over 1,000 brain surgeries and studied the brain. And he's also a PhD in neuroscience. So he studies the mind and thoughts, and he was a brain surgeon. And I said, "What's the number one skill you feel like human beings should learn to master?" And his answer was beautiful. He said, "Emotional regulation." And I was like, "I 100% agree," because if we don't have the power to regulate our feelings around a situation and environment, something that happens, an event, then that event has power over us as opposed to us over that moment. And if it has power over us to where we react so strongly, we need to ask ourselves, "Why am I so triggered? Where is that wound? That's a wound somewhere. Where is that wound and how can I start the healing journey?" I'm not saying that things are gonna happen in life and you're never gonna feel something, but just not react and be overwhelmed emotionally to where it takes you away from love and takes you away from your mission. But if something is so strong that it causes you to lose sleep for three days or causes you to react in a negative way, it's pulling you away from your heart, from love, and from your meaningful mission. And I think we just gotta get back to, "Okay, why is this stressing me out? How can I process this and integrate healing in a healthy way so that when life happens, it doesn't pull me off my mission?" And that's something I've experienced for the first time in the last three months, is really like, life has happened in a big way for me. It's sidetracked me a little bit, but it's not pulling me off. Like, I'm, I'm needing to face it and deal with things and process, but it's not like defeating me to where I feel like I'm exhausted.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm.
- LHLewis Howes
And that's because I'm holding myself emotionally accountable and doing the work.
- SBSteven Bartlett
If I, if someone's listening to this and they don't have a therapist, they, they don't have the resources or whatever-
- LHLewis Howes
Uh-huh.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... to, to have therapy. How else can they go about developing the self-awareness required for that emotional regulation journey?
- LHLewis Howes
Hmm. There's definitely things you can do on your own. I would, I would, uh, read a book called How to Do The Work, um, by, uh, Nicole LePera, which gives you a lot of exercises and practices and things like that on how to do the work yourself. So you can get the book for 25 bucks and, and start there, and start your own ritual and healing process. Whether it be journaling, whether it be, you know, other ty- types of meditations, things like that. They have, she has different rituals in there you can do. But I would recommend, I don't think there's anything more powerful than sitting in front of a human and talking to someone about how you feel and what you're going through. So whether that's a priest or a parent or a teacher or, you know, a friend that you trust, someone you feel like who has a little bit more wisdom than you, I would start there until you can afford the therapy.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And in terms of emotional journeys, you cite that you're still on one.
- LHLewis Howes
Absolutely.
- SBSteven Bartlett
What are the things that you're now talking to your therapist about that you're trying to solve in yourself?
- LHLewis Howes
I had this photo for the last year, and I'll just show the camera, the photo of my five-year-old self, and in the last session I did with her, it was all about, um, healing the inner child, right? It was all about healing the inner child and doing the, the work. I mean, I did some weird stuff, like putting myself in spiritual and mental environments where I'm talking to my five-year-old self, and looking at my five-year-old self, hugging my five-year-old self, integrating my five-year-old self with my adult self, and kind of reparenting that psychological child.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm.
- LHLewis Howes
Some weird stuff, but for whatever reason, it's worked for me, because now I can look at a situation and say, "Okay, do I feel triggered? Oh, where's that coming from? Is it from that hurt child?" If so, all I need to do is have a conversation with that part of my mind and say, "I'm an adult now, and the adult is here, and I got your back. I can take care of this." I know how to process and soothe things in a healthy way. I don't need to lean onto an addiction or reaction or whatever it may be to process.... I know how to handle this. I know how to breathe. I know how to g- take a walk. I know how to have a conversation and process. You're safe. You're okay. It's all gonna be okay. Whereas before, I didn't have that ability to communicate with a wounded part of myself.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- LHLewis Howes
And so now, she said, "We've healed the five-year-old version of you that was sexually abused, because I don't get triggered by it. I don't get reactive to it. I'm not defensive and guarded anymore. And I'm also shifting the way I don't please people in relationships anymore. So I've done a lot of things to do the work about intimacy and relationships and just in life." She's like, "Now..." And I go, "Okay, am I done?" 'Cause this is a lot of work, you know? It's like, it's a lot. (paper rustles) You're diving into your emotions. You're tapping into uncomfortable stuff. You're, like, crying. It's all these things. She's like, "This is a journey. Do you wanna go to the next level in your life, or are you satisfied?" I'm like, (sighs) "Okay, you gotta keep going, you know? There's always something else." And so she's like, "We wanna tap into the 11 and 12-year-old self." And she's like, "Find a photo." I, that's my next homework, is to put a photo of myself when I was 11 or 12 and start healing that part of my life. And there was a bunch of different stuff that happened in that phase that I haven't fully healed or forgiven myself. And so that'll be the next work to do, and it'll be, like, stages of life until I meet myself to where I am now.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Interesting.
- LHLewis Howes
And healing, and, and working on the evolution of all the memories of the past that wrote a story and developed chapters in a book that did not serve me up until now.
- SBSteven Bartlett
It's like a script, wasn't it?
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah, and rewriting the script.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah, yeah.
- LHLewis Howes
And not diminishing the things that happened, but acknowledging them and healing them in a different way and processing it-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- LHLewis Howes
... in a healthy way so that I can meet myself where I'm at now-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- LHLewis Howes
... and then really start elevating.
- SBSteven Bartlett
How much has doing a podcast where you sit with these people, but also you reflect-
- LHLewis Howes
It's a game changer, man.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah, right. (laughs) I, I-
- 1:11:00 – 1:19:51
Overcoming my fear of public speaking
- SBSteven Bartlett
buy Crafted. (paper rustles) To put it in context of where you are today, you're-
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... an international speaker. You're getting honest... You're getting paid big six-figure numbers to speak once.
- LHLewis Howes
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And I just wanna put that in context, 'cause you went from someone that basically couldn't have a conversation- (laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
Couldn't, man.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... to now, like, an international public speaker.
- LHLewis Howes
Yeah, I don't know if, um, it was like this in school in the UK. But in America, at least in Ohio where I grew up, the teacher would sometimes say, "Okay, we're gonna have you guys read aloud." Right? And, "Okay, Lewis, open up chapter one, paragraph one, and stand up and read in front of people." And it got to the point where it was so terrifying because I would get up, and I was not able to read until really about 10th grade, no joke. When I went into 8th grade at that private boarding school, they tested me, reading and comprehension and everything, and I had a 2nd-grade reading level. So when I was in school, it was so hard for me to stand in front of the class and read aloud, because the simplest words, I didn't know what they were, what they were. I was dyslexic, so it was just challenging to read, and then I'd feel nervous, and then I would sabotage it, and then kids would laugh because I couldn't read. And so it was just kind of, like, a traumatizing thing that I had to learn how to let go of and heal. And so I just never wanted to speak in front of people. And I remember, this is funny, I was also, um, (laughs) I was also terrified to dance. And I started salsa dancing obsessively because I wanted to overcome this fear. And when I was learning this skill of salsa dancing to overcome that fear, I met a guy who was a public speaker, and he got paid to speak around the country. And I said, "How do you do this?" And he said, "Meet me tomorrow at this coffee shop, and I'll, and I'll answer any question you have." 'Cause we're literally, like, in the middle of the dance floor when I'm asking this.
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- LHLewis Howes
So I meet him at this coffee shop in Columbus, Ohio. And he was like, "If you wanna overcome the fear of public speaking, you need to practice it every week. And I recommend joining this thing called Toastmasters where you can practice in a safe environment where they're not gonna laugh at you."And he said, "Go every week for a year and come back to me when you're done." And that's what I did, I went to a Toastmasters club every week for a year. And I remember it was terrifying for the first few months, but the more I did it and just messed up, I just kept messing up. But I found someone to mentor me there, I practiced it consistently every single week. My next speech, I would put myself in uncomfortable conversations to just be made fun of, or just feel like I'm so stupid around these people. But every week I'd show up, I would get a little bit more confidence, a little bit more confidence, till the last week of the year. I remember I had no notes, no prompts, no nothing, and I was extremely poised and confident, and got, like, this standing ovation at the end of the year because they saw my journey. The first speech I had everything written out word for word. Word for word, I looked down at, behind a podium and read word for word. I didn't look up once on my first speech to the point where I was like, "Okay, I'm writing a speech and then looking up a couple times while reading it." To then it was, like, just note cards, to then it was bullet points, to then it was a slide, to then it was nothing. But it was mind-blowing because it took a year to kind of get a baseline of confidence, and it took every week showing up. But I'm telling you, if I could do something like this, it's possible, but you've gotta be willing to be so uncomfortable to overcome these fears sometimes.
Episode duration: 1:33:31
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