The Top 6 Habits Destroying Your Relationships! - Lewis Howes

Steven Bartlett 0:00 Could you do me a quick favor if you're listening to this? Please hit the follow or subscribe button. It helps more than you know. And we invite subscribers in every month to watch the show in person.

Lewis Howes 0:08 Am I doing everything in my power to live the way I wanna live? Because if it could be over in a moment, I gotta shift my attention to things that really matter. (upbeat music) Our next guest has quite the resume. Former professional football player turned lifestyle entrepreneur. He was making millions of dollars and helping others achieve their dreams.

Steven Bartlett 0:24 New York Times bestselling author. School of Greatness.

Lewis Howes 0:27 Please welcome Lewis Howes.

Steven Bartlett 0:29 You have been very, very open about the abuse you suffered when you were five.

Lewis Howes 0:33 I mean, I knew something was wrong. I knew something was off. Every single day for 25 years, I thought about it. I needed to heal the memories of the past in order to create a healthy relationship with myself and others in the present. The challenge is most men have not been taught how to effectively communicate their guilt, their insecurities. Constantly working on yourself is huge in intimacy in relationships.

Steven Bartlett 0:58 What is the single biggest killer of relationships?

Lewis Howes 1:03 I'm gonna say something right now that you're probably not gonna like.

Steven Bartlett 1:07 So without further ado, I'm Steven Bartlett, and this is The Diary of a CEO. I hope nobody's listening, but if you are, then please keep this to yourself. (upbeat music)

Steven Bartlett 1:23 Lewis, I have to start with a, with a point of gratitude, which is thank you so much for doing this. You are, and I don't say this lightly, but you are one of the real inspirations for me in this whole podcasting content space, because you've been... You, you're like the GOAT in my eyes.

Lewis Howes 1:37 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:37 You, you've- You're the guy that did it first in, in our space.

Lewis Howes 1:40 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:41 And did it best at the same time. But not just that. When I got to meet you maybe a month ago in Dubai, I was pretty much in awe of, uh, a bunch of things that I noticed about you that really set you apart. One of them was this real unbelievable self-awareness, which I talked to my team about before you got here. I said, "He's one of the most self-aware guys that I've ever met, because he's done and doing the work."

Lewis Howes 2:00 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 2:00 And the second thing is... There's actually three, probably three things that come to mind. The second thing is your genuine curiosity about humans on a very deep level. Because we'd be having, we were having a conversation at 2:00 AM in a bar.

Lewis Howes 2:12 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 2:12 And if there was this- a moment of silence, it would be interjected by you with like a, "Tell me three things that you're, your biggest failings in life or three things-"

Lewis Howes 2:20 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 2:20 And I just thought, "This is a guy that doesn't wanna mess around at surface level with small talk-"

Lewis Howes 2:24 No.

Steven Bartlett 2:25 "... and things that don't matter." And then the third point, which kinda links to those two in some way is your unbelievable ability to speak and deliver a concept or an idea with wisdom and a personal anecdote in- attached in a way that's captivating to the point that people don't tune out when you're talking.

Lewis Howes 2:43 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 2:43 And I don't, I'm not blowing smoke up your ass, but I genuinely was like, "I need to learn this."

Lewis Howes 2:48 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 2:48 Specifically that delivery of ideas. And having seen you on Jay's and Tom Bilyeu's podcasts-

Lewis Howes 2:52 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 2:53 ... I saw it then again, and it's a combination of all that self-awareness and practice. But there was something else which you showed me when we were in Dubai having that conversation at 2:00 AM in the morning, which is where I wanted to start our conversation today, which was the, the screensaver of your phone.

Lewis Howes 3:07 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 3:07 That really stayed with me.

Lewis Howes 3:09 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 3:11 Can you tell me what the screensaver of your phone is?

Lewis Howes 3:14 This is, uh, yeah, I don't know if you guys, for those watching on YouTube, I don't know if you guys can see this, but this is a photo of myself, uh, when I was probably about five years old, and, um, I put it on there a year ago because I was doing some intensive, I would say inner child healing with a therapist I was working in, in a, in another relationship that I was ending. I was ending a relationship, and I realized that in relationships in the past, I was repeating a pattern of people pleasing, of saying yes to things that I didn't wanna say yes to, of changing and shifting who I authentically was in order to try to please or make someone else happy. And a lot of it came from the dynamics of my childhood, from being sexually abused, from having just, uh, a challenging, let's say, family dynamic, uh, with parents and things like that. And so for years, I was never taught on how to deal with my inner child. I never was taught how to heal the things that I was really wounded as a child. And so having these experiences of intensive emotional intelligence and therapy training on dealing with previous relationships and then in a current relationship was extremely helpful for me. And my, my therapist said, "We gotta heal that part of your life that is attached to a memory of a wound, and unless you heal that, you're gonna keep repeating certain patterns." And so that's why I had that on there, and I'm actually gonna change it to a different period of time in my life when I was about 11 or 12. That's the next phase of growth for me is to actually heal that next stage. So that's why I do it.

Steven Bartlett 4:52 What was the, the world and the perception of the world that that five-year-old Lewis Howes saw and felt? What was he feeling and seeing?

Lewis Howes 5:00 Oh, man. (sighs) He was abandoned. He was abused. He was taken advantage of. He was unworthy. He was unlovable. And that was what I believed. And so it's hard to create a meaningful relationship with myself and with another person if that story or narrative or belief was still there for me, which it was unconsciously. So I needed to heal the memories of the past in order to create a healthy relationship with myself and others in the present.

Steven Bartlett 5:33 And where did that story come from that he was unlovable?

Lewis Howes 5:37 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 5:37 I've heard you describe yourself even as thinking you were dumb.

Lewis Howes 5:40 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 5:40 Thinking you, you couldn't... You weren't worthy of friendships and things like that.

Lewis Howes 5:44 Absolutely.

Steven Bartlett 5:44 Where did all of that...

Lewis Howes 5:45 I, I mean, it was all from real life experiences and results that I was experiencing. So just getting picked on as a kid, feeling neglected from parents and family members, feeling, you know, again, sexual abuse that I dealt with.... and struggling throughout school my entire childhood, until- it took me seven years to finish college. I was in the bottom of my class in school, elementary, middle, and high school. And so the narrative was, there were real world results that were showing me that I was unlovable or being taken advantage of, or abused, or these things, and so that stayed with me. And this is why I built a persona, or really a mask. I tried to mask it and defend myself by becoming a great athlete, by getting bigger, faster, and stronger, so that I could defend myself against the, the feeling of being taken advantage of or abused. But that didn't leave me feeling fulfilled, it left me feeling angry and resentful.

Steven Bartlett 6:41 When you were, y- you, uh, have been very, very open about the abuse you suffered when you were five from a babysitter's son-

Lewis Howes 6:50 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 6:50 ... I believe.

Lewis Howes 6:50 Yeah, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 6:52 Did you understand at the time that it was abuse?

Lewis Howes 6:56 No. I had no idea. I mean, I knew something was wrong. I knew something was off. But I didn't know, I mean, as a five-year-old, I don't think anyone really knows how to emotionally handle that, or emotionally regulate or understand what's really happening at that time. But it was something that I lived with for every single day for 25 years, I thought about it. I thought about the instant, whether it be consciously or unconsciously, it was coming up. It might be a second, or it might be minutes long of a memory, but it came up pretty much every, every day for 25 years, until I went through an, a, um, a transformational workshop experience that got me to finally face it. And it wasn't until I faced it and started to integrate the healing of that moment, that I felt like I was a prisoner for so long, until it set me free. I'm actually talking about my shame, expressing it, communicating it with my friends, my family, and then eventually, I did a podcast about it, which took me about six months to publish, because I recorded it, and I waited six months because I said, "If people knew this about me, no one would love me. My business is over, I'm gonna have no friends if," if people actually knew how shameful this thing was for me. And I think that was the biggest fear. But, uh, what I realized, this was back in 2013, I mean, the end of 2013, early of 2014.

Steven Bartlett 8:18 2015.

Lewis Howes 8:19 And I thought my, I literally thought my life was over. I was like, "No one is gonna love me." But I, I, I also thought to myself, "I can no longer be a prisoner inside with this information. I need to let it out. And if I can help one man heal from what they've been through, then it's worth it. I'm happy to lose everything if I can help one man." And it was one of the most profound experiences and, and really spiritually freeing experiences of my life, was opening up and talking about it. And the aftermath was so powerful. For weeks, I was getting essays from men opening up saying, you know, "I'm married. I've got three kids. I'm 55. My wife and kids don't know, and I've been holding this with me for this long. It happened to me when I was 11." You know, men opening up about all the different experiences of sexual abuse or trauma that they face with. The challenge is, most men have not been taught how to effectively communicate their shame, their guilt, their insecurities. There's not many guys that grow up, uh, I don't think you had guy friends when you were 12, 15, 18, 23, saying, "You know what? Can we just have a coffee and talk about how shameful I feel about my, my, uh, my past right now?" Or, "I don't really feel that good today, let's talk about it." Or, "My body image is kinda off." Like, we don't do that generally as men. We're not taught how to do that in society. But when you ask women, "How often do you meet with a girlfriend on a weekly basis to talk about your shame, your insecurities, the challenges you're dealing with in your relationships, struggles at work," whatever it might be. Women typically say they, they meet with their girlfriends every week. If not every single day, they'll have a conversation with their girlfriend, a sister, or mom about a challenge-

Steven Bartlett 10:10 Hmm.

Lewis Howes 10:10 ... or just what's on their mind. But we just haven't been taught that. So I started, I really wanted to change the narrative, uh, and be a model. There was no one that looked like me growing up that talked about these things. There was no athlete that I admired that was like, on TV saying, "I've been sexually abused." Or, "I went through childhood trauma." Or, "I didn't love myself." Or, "I struggled with insecurities growing up." I just didn't see that growing up as a kid. So my goal was to be a model of saying, you know, "I'm willing to lose everything if I can help men heal," because I truly believe a lot of the pain caused in the world is caused by men who have massive wounds, who are reactive because they don't know how to handle or regulate their emotions. And so they react in certain scenarios, whether it'd be domestic violence, domestic abuse, war, uh, just reactions on social media causing more stress, screaming in a workplace, whatever it might be. Driving here in London, just people honking at the horn 'cause they're, they don't know how to handle their inner wounds, their emotional regulation. And I feel like if all humans, but men specifically, can continue to learn these tools, it'll be powerful. But we weren't taught this in school. There was nothing in school that was like, "Okay, Emotional Regulation 101 class." There was none of this. It was just, "Suck it up, be a man, toughen up." Don't, you know, we don't talk about these things. So, and I think the world has been shifting over the last four, five years as well, where it's more acceptable for men to talk about it with, you know, social media, in a good sense, allowing men to be more vulnerable and kinda lifting these conversations up about mental health. So, I'm seeing that shift. But I just didn't see that or have a model when I was growing

Lewis Howes 11:59 up.

Steven Bartlett 11:59 In terms of models when you were growing up, could you tell me a little bit about the dynamics of your parents as well? Because I've heard you describe that early life and, um...Yeah. The quote that I, that I read from you was that they were miserable times and the tension in the house-

Lewis Howes 12:13 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 12:13 ... impacted you and your siblings.

Lewis Howes 12:16 Yeah, I mean, I grew up, (sighs) it's challenging because my father just passed away a month and a half ago, and for 17 years he, (smacks lips) he got in an accident 17 years ago, uh, with a car accident where a car came up on his car, hit him through the windshield and split his head open. He was in a coma for a few months, had severe brain trauma, stayed alive miraculously, but just had a challenging 17 years where he never fully recovered. So it was a, it was an interesting dynamic with my dad the last 17 years. Growing up as the youngest of four, my siblings, I feel like, probably had it worse than me. They had to deal with, you know, 20-year-old parents, my, my parents were 20 when they had my brother, and then 24 when they had my sister, and then 28 when they had my other sister, then they had me at 31. So they had to deal, you know, grow up with parents who didn't have these tools either. So I have a lot of grace for my parents because they didn't have the tools of emotional regulation or how to communicate effectively or how to process wounds. And I think if you don't know how to process wounds, it's going to be hard to just interact without being defensive or reactive or, you know, all- all these different things, passive-aggressive. (breathes deeply) So I grew up for the first 13 years of my life in fear. In fear. I knew my parents loved me, but there was this, like, energy that felt fearful and I was afraid of my father.

Steven Bartlett 13:45 Why?

Lewis Howes 13:46 (sighs) He was pretty angry. He was an angry guy, and he would... he was super loving, but then he would explode at times because he didn't know how to process emotions, and he had wounds. And so that was the challenging thing. It was, it was confusing. And they weren't loving towards each other, so I didn't feel safe. My brother went away to prison when I was eight years old for f- for four and a half years. So every weekend we would travel two year- uh, two hours to go to a prison visiting room and see my brother for a few hours. So I was exposed to things that I probably shouldn't have been exposed to at eight years old until 12, which expanded my mind and my, my, my world view and my perception of people, but also was just challenging to have a sibling in jail for that long and dealing with the dynamics of that. Yeah, it was just a... it was a challenging time. But at 13, I begged my parents to send me away. I went to a private boarding school at 13, uh, for middle school and high school, and I couldn't get away fast enough. They didn't send me away because I was a bad kid. I begged them to send me away because I didn't feel safe at home.

Steven Bartlett 14:57 I really want to dig into that.

Lewis Howes 14:58 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 14:58 What was it... Your dad's anger, and his, his anger directed, I guess, at you or your siblings or your mo-

Lewis Howes 15:05 All of us, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 15:05 All of us?

Lewis Howes 15:06 But it wasn't all the time. You know, so again, he was a loving guy. He would tuck me into bed at night. He would play catch with me in the backyard.

Steven Bartlett 15:12 But then there'd be-

Lewis Howes 15:13 But then there'd be an explosion and we just didn't know when it would be. And so the beautiful part about my dad is he had a massive transformation when I turned 13. He started to dive into the emotional intelligence training, workshops, and, and seeking wisdom on how to process his emotions. And he had an incredible, you know, healing, transformation. So from 13 to 21, I had this incredible relationship with my dad. He would fly out to all my games. He would be so loving and supportive. He, he wasn't angry. He wasn't reactive. He had this transformation. So it's almost like I had two lives with my dad. The first half of, first 13 years, I loved him but I was also afraid of him. 13 to 21, he was like my best friend. And so when he got in his accident, when I was around 21, it was devastating because now I didn't have a mentor that now was showing up in a different way, was loving, was vulnerable. I saw him cry a lot more. I saw him just be sensitive. So when he got in his accident, I didn't have that anymore. He wasn't able to have that relationship with me because of the brain accident, and this was a time when I felt like I needed it the most, right? I went to go play arena football. I went to go chase a dream. I got injured in the, at the end of the first season, had a surgery with my wrist, and at that time it was 2000, end of 2007, 2008, the economy was crashing in USA. People weren't hiring those who had master's degrees. I barely graduated with a, you know, just a-

Steven Bartlett 16:44 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 16:44 ... a general degree. I'm living on my sister's couch for a year and a half. I've got no money. I've got no mentorship from my father. And so in a sense, it was almost like... This is the weird thing when I reflect back on it because I don't think I would be the man I am today without his accident, although I wish he didn't have the accident. I don't think I'd be in service. I don't think I would care about people as much. I don't think I'd be on a mission to want to change lives and serve millions of people around the world. I don't think I'd be doing an interview show or a podcast. I don't think I'd be writing books or all these things. But something shifted within me because he was physically alive but emotionally and mentally not there. So I didn't have that access to a relationship. Something shifted in me where I couldn't rely on him for money, for kind of that wisdom. I had to... I just had to unleash something new that was... that I didn't think it was inside of me. And I don't know if your parents are still around or if your dad is still around.

Steven Bartlett 17:43 They are, yeah. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 17:45 Something shifted in me 17 years ago when my dad got in the accident and then something shifted even more in the last month and a half when he passed that is hard to explain. I don't know. I- I haven't really fully processed it. It's still kind of a processing time and there's some, a lot of gratitude and memories, but a lot of sadness tied to it. But I just don't think I'd be the man I am without his accident because it made me unleash something inside of me that...... was untapped.

Steven Bartlett 18:17 When I met you in Dubai, every topic you talked on, you talked on as if you'd processed it and done work on it, and you had a perspective on it.

Lewis Howes 18:25 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 18:25 And then when you spoke about your dad, it was like the end of a, what we call a cul-de-sac, getting to the end of a street where there's nowhere else to go. It was like you hadn't...

Lewis Howes 18:34 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 18:34 The conversation ended there.

Lewis Howes 18:36 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 18:36 And you would look down at the floor.

Lewis Howes 18:38 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 18:38 And I know, I'm so sorry to hear of, of your loss by the way.

Lewis Howes 18:41 Thank you.

Steven Bartlett 18:41 But I could see that it was still something that your... I could, there was two kind of suspicions I had. One was that, A, you, you were still processing it of course.

Lewis Howes 18:48 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 18:48 But the second was that there was a profound lesson somewhere there.

Lewis Howes 18:52 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 18:52 Because of the pause you took and the way that you looked at the floor. And, but on every other topic, you were like, illuminated-

Lewis Howes 18:58 Sure.

Steven Bartlett 18:58 ... is the best way to describe it. (laughs)

Lewis Howes 18:59 Sure, sure.

Steven Bartlett 19:00 You see what I mean? So.

Lewis Howes 19:01 Yeah, I think one of the things that it, it taught me 17 years ago was that my dad also felt larger than life. I don't know if your father felt that way, feels that way as well.

Steven Bartlett 19:10 Yeah. (laughs)

Lewis Howes 19:10 But he felt larger than life. He was extremely intelligent and smart. He was very charismatic. He was resourceful, talented. He was, he became, he was a big lover. He loved people, and he gave his heart in a big way after this transformation. And he cared deeply about relationships. Like, I witnessed things he did that brought smiles to people's faces all the time. Which is probably a lot of the things that I've, like, translated into my own life. But one of the things it taught me was that if this can happen to a guy who feels larger than life in a moment, when he was on vacation with his then, uh, you know, partner at the time, not my mother, they got divorced, but they were on vacation having a great time, if this can happen in a moment, at any time, then it brought so much urgency to my life to make sure I pursued the things that, uh, really are meaningful to me. And for years, there were things that I had to do that I wasn't like, loving, I had to work really hard to get to that place. When I was broke and had no money on my sister's couch, it wasn't like this all just unfolded perfectly. It was years of effort, work, late nights, all that stuff. But it made me just say, "What is my mission? What is my intention for this season of my life? And am I doing everything in my power to live the way I wanna live?" Because if it could be over in a moment, I've gotta shift my attention to things that really matter. And so that was a big powerful shift for me. And when he passed last month, it made it even clearer. You know, there's so many opportunities for someone like yourself and myself at this stage of our life and our careers, and a lot of opportunities can seem incredible. Here's a big money-making opportunity, here's a cool project I can do with someone, here's these things that are coming my way. But if it's not aligning to my mission of something greater, if it's not aligning to my ultimate level of joy and authentic power, then should I be doing it right now? If it was all over in a day, in a month, in a year, is this something I would say yes to? And so it's just bringing me closer to that awareness that how it could all be over in a moment. And it brings the energy back to like my relationship with my girlfriend. I'm like, "If it was over tomorrow, am I doing and saying what I need to say today?" And that's been a powerful thing for me.

Steven Bartlett 21:29 There's a real, uh, I mean, I, I always reflect on this, that Bronnie Ware, who was the palliative nurse who interviewed people on, in their last days. And the retrospective clarity people must have in their last days about what they did and didn't do-

Lewis Howes 21:40 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 21:41 ... right is, is so, so empowering. But as you say there, one of the things that terrifies me is my dad is ill.

Lewis Howes 21:46 Mm.

Steven Bartlett 21:46 He's like not in good health, and he's, he's outlived his siblings.

Lewis Howes 21:51 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 21:51 And his life, if you look at it in any kind of comparative measure, was way more stressful than them, and his brother died of a heart attack.

Lewis Howes 21:57 Mm.

Steven Bartlett 21:57 And his brother died younger than he is now. So this thing is haunting me almost in the back room. And the haunting thing is like, what should I be doing now? My relationship with my dad isn't particularly strong. Um...

Lewis Howes 22:09 Mm.

Steven Bartlett 22:10 You know what I mean?

Lewis Howes 22:11 How often do you see him a year?

Steven Bartlett 22:15 Sh- sh- sh... Two, three, four times.

Lewis Howes 22:17 Okay.

Steven Bartlett 22:18 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 22:18 This, my friend Jesse Itzler made this example one time to me, uh, and to like the audience. And he said, uh, and his father just passed away actually a couple weeks ago. And he said, "My, my parents are old. They're in their 80s," or something like that. And um, you know, maybe they have five or 10 more years, but it's really five or 10 more times with them if you only see them once or twice a year.

Steven Bartlett 22:42 Yeah. Crazy.

Lewis Howes 22:42 It's not five or 10 years. If you see them two, three times a year, maybe you have three times if it's a year, maybe you have 10 times if it's four years-

Steven Bartlett 22:51 That's crazy.

Lewis Howes 22:52 ... that you've experienced a moment in person with your dad.

Steven Bartlett 22:56 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 22:56 Hopefully he lives 10, 20 years. But two, three times a year is really 20 times left with your dad. And when we put it in, I just got chills thinking about that.

Steven Bartlett 23:05 (laughs) Yeah, of course.

Lewis Howes 23:05 Because when we put it in perspective like that, are we giving as much as we could to the relationship? Are we opening up and healing certain things that maybe aren't, aren't healed yet? Are we having the conversations that are unspoken? And I think, um, I feel like I did the best of my abilities to do that with where he was at emotionally and mentally. And I would encourage you or anyone listening or watching to, to ask themselves, "On a scale of one to 10, how is my relationship with my father or my mother?" And if it's not above a seven right now-

Steven Bartlett 23:43 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 23:43 ... what can you do? Not about them, even if they're the parent. What can you do to reach out and communicate? How can you take responsibility for your part of that relationship? And

Lewis Howes 23:56 you just never know, at any moment.

Steven Bartlett 23:58 What if someone's sat listening to this now and they think, "Well, my parents or my dad or my mom or whatever was abusive or toxic-"

Lewis Howes 24:04 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 24:04 "... or whatever to me." Is-

Lewis Howes 24:06 I think you've gotta ask yourself, "If they died today, would I be happy with how I communicated, how I showed up?" And maybe that means you need to disown your parents for a season of life because you're not able to get along.But are you still happy if you did that with everything you tried to do from a loving, calm, healed place? It's your healing journey. It's not about what they do or what they didn't do, it's about your healing journey. And I look at it as a gift from everything I experienced from my childhood. You know, I don't look at it as a painful thing anymore. You know, I'm not living in fear from the memories of my past anymore. I look at it as, God, I'm so grateful that I grew up feeling insecure, unlovable, and really dumb, because I care deeply about loving other people, I care deeply about being a good listener and showing people how much I care.

Steven Bartlett 24:56 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 24:56 I care deeply about wisdom and knowledge in a different way, not just from school and books, but from interactions with human experiences, adventure, learning new skills and hobbies, and just progressing as a human. And I think, you know, even from the sexual abuse, I'm not mad at it anymore. I'm not hurt by it anymore. I hope it never happens to anyone in the history, I don't wish it on anyone, but I also know that it gave me an incredible gift because I've healed from it, I've taken my power back from that, and I know that it's benefited me now because I've rewritten the story about what it means about me. And I think if we can rewrite those stories in an empowering way, then we are not powerless, we're powerful.

Steven Bartlett 25:42 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 25:44 To that point of your healing journey there-

Lewis Howes 25:46 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 25:46 ... you describe your life in these three sort of sections, right? You've got the, I think it's the, the pre-teens?

Lewis Howes 25:52 Yeah. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 25:52 And then it's, like, the teen to 22, and then it's the, uh, is it four? And then the 20s and then the 30s, right?

Lewis Howes 25:57 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 25:57 The 20s phase, as I read it, as I read through the whole, all the experiences on-

Lewis Howes 26:01 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 26:01 ... you, you know, your sister's sofa, the LinkedIn stuff-

Lewis Howes 26:03 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 26:03 ... you'd done, felt a little bit like you were finding yourself a little bit, right?

Lewis Howes 26:06 Yeah, of course, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 26:07 And then post-30s, it's, it feels like the work really started to begin.

Lewis Howes 26:11 I mean, 30 is when everything started to change because that's the moment I allowed myself to be vulnerable for the first time. I just thought I had it figured out. And what I realized is I knew nothing.

Steven Bartlett 26:23 There were symptoms of an internal conflict that suggested to you-

Lewis Howes 26:28 100%.

Steven Bartlett 26:28 ... that you didn't have it figured out.

Lewis Howes 26:29 Of course, yeah. I was-

Steven Bartlett 26:30 What were the symptoms of that? (laughs)

Lewis Howes 26:31 (laughs) I mean, I mean, getting in fistfights on a basketball court in a, in a pickup game that's supposed to be fun and, and reacting so much to someone jabbing me, you know, in the ribs or s- or, or smack talking me, talking bad or just, like, talking trash and being so reactive to getting it-

Steven Bartlett 26:50 Explosive, like your father?

Lewis Howes 26:51 So explosive. Yeah, extremely explosive. Again, it was more of, like, I didn't heal a lot of things from my childhood. It wasn't, like, one thing from my dad or the sexual abuse-

Steven Bartlett 27:01 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 27:01 It was kind of, like, the entire childhood. All the stories and all the examples that made me feel like I'm not lovable or I'm someone to be taken advantage of was still inside of me. And so it wasn't just one thing or one experience, it was all of it that was building a case for me to be reactive and explosive and feel like, uh, you know, the, the world was just out to get me or something. And when I learned the art of emotional regulation, that's when everything started to change. And I learned a part of that at 30 until 37. But in intimate relationships, I still hadn't learned how to fully love and honor my authentic power. I still gave in because I deeply wanted people to like me, I deeply wanted the person that I was giving my heart to to love and accept me. And yet I was choosing people based on a wound still from my parents, from my mom, you know, giving in, from my mom not feeling probably loved and accepted and kind of repeating that pattern of her with my dad. I was finding partners like that. And I was taking on the mother role, like, kind of what my mom was taking on, and I was giving in. I watched her give in over and over and over to my dad and never stand up for who she truly was. You know, un- this is all unconscious. It wasn't until about a year ago when I started to learn this and process it. So I was choosing partners that, after a period of time, they would get upset at me over and over of lots of different things. They just weren't happy with who I was or the actions or decisions or things I did in my business or whatever, whatever it was that made them feel like they were insecure or something.

Steven Bartlett 28:48 Same.

Lewis Howes 28:49 And so I would say, "Okay, I'll, I'll change this to make you happy. Okay, you don't like me doing this? Okay, I'll stop doing this. Okay, you don't like me salsa dancing, you don't like me traveling, you don't like me speaking, you don't like me doing..." Okay, like, whatever's gonna make you happy, because there was love there. And I thought that when you love someone, you'll do whatever you can to make that love stay, to make it last. And so I would give and give and give up who I was in order to create peace and love. And what I was doing was creating incredible pain, resentment, and anger, and frustration with- inside of me of the person, of the relationship, and of myself.

Steven Bartlett 29:30 Because you were abandoning yourself.

Lewis Howes 29:32 Abandoning myself over and over again. And I didn't know how to say no and how s- how to be around someone who was unhappy with me in intimacy. I could do this in business and friends, but in intimacy when there was love, I didn't know how to say no, and so I just gave in to create peace. And what I realized is that, you know, I was looking to create- to buy peace by abandoning myself, but you can't buy peace. We must be peace. And if someone is okay with that, great. And if they're not, then maybe you're not in alignment, and that's okay. But I was not willing to let go of the feeling of love. It was a false love. It wasn't authentic love, because authentic love is accepting the person for who they are and them accepting you for who you are.

Steven Bartlett 30:20 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 30:20 It's not trying to change the person. If you're trying to change someone, you shouldn't be with them. We should be elevating each other to grow. But if there are fundamental things about-... you that I don't like-

Steven Bartlett 30:30 Hmm.

Lewis Howes 30:30 ... and I'm trying to change you, why am I in a relationship with you? Go find someone that you don't need to change, and vice versa. And so my girlfriend, Martha, I was like, "Listen." We started dating, and I'd done months of this healing work, and finally started the process and feel this inner peace. I said, "Listen. I'm gonna be 100% authentic to who I am. I'm going to obnoxiously be myself around you, and I'm letting you know, I wanna, I wanna be so obnoxiously myself that I, I hope you run away. I hope you run away because I'm never gonna change. I'm not gonna change for you or anyone else. I'm going to evolve. I'm gonna constantly improve, grow. I want you to be willing to give me feedback, but I'm not gonna change of something you're unhappy about, about me. Here are my values. Here's my vision. Here's my lifestyle. This is what I'm gonna be doing. I'm not gonna change this stuff. Just letting you know." And, uh, it's been a beautiful journey because it's amazing to s- to see what it's like having authentic trust in someone receiving you for 100% who you are, and feeling like I can be myself. I've never felt this until now. It's beautiful.

Steven Bartlett 31:37 It's such a important conversation because-

Lewis Howes 31:40 It's, it's crazy, man.

Steven Bartlett 31:41 ... you talk... You described the reasons why in your trauma that m- that made you a people pleaser.

Steven Bartlett 31:46 And do you know what's really interesting is when you told me that you were a people pleaser, um, I couldn't believe that. I'm like, "What? You? Big tough athlete man?"

Lewis Howes 31:54 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 31:54 "People pleaser?" Care-

Lewis Howes 31:55 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 31:55 You know what I mean?

Lewis Howes 31:56 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 31:56 But it just... it goes to show that that sort of, that trauma in us-

Lewis Howes 32:00 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 32:00 ... um, is kind of agnostic to, to, to our mask, or our-

Lewis Howes 32:04 Absolutely.

Steven Bartlett 32:05 ... you know, certain... And I, when you told me that, 'cause we had a little bit of this conversation-

Lewis Howes 32:10 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 32:10 ... just a hint of it in, in... when we met in Dubai, I realized that I'd been a people pleaser.

Lewis Howes 32:14 Really?

Steven Bartlett 32:14 But I never thought that I was. In all of my relationships, I think the significant reason why they failed is exactly what you've described. I've gone in trying to compromise everything.

Lewis Howes 32:25 Really?

Steven Bartlett 32:25 And, and... Oh, my god.

Lewis Howes 32:26 For love.

Steven Bartlett 32:27 My god.

Lewis Howes 32:27 Just to keep the peace, keep the love.

Steven Bartlett 32:29 Just to, just to keep them and try and keep them happy-

Lewis Howes 32:32 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 32:32 ... um, with me. And in the short term, that day, fine. You go any kind of mid to long-harm time horizon-

Lewis Howes 32:40 No, can't do it. No.

Steven Bartlett 32:40 ... and it's resentment-

Lewis Howes 32:41 Exhausting.

Steven Bartlett 32:42 ... anger, exhaustion, arguments-

Lewis Howes 32:44 So, it's a weight.

Steven Bartlett 32:45 A weight. (laughs)

Lewis Howes 32:46 So exhaustion, man. You know, I take full responsibility for every relationship I've chosen and been in and stayed in because I could've gotten out of any relationship at any moment. But I was afraid and I lacked the, really the self-confidence to step away because I was afraid of losing love.

Steven Bartlett 33:04 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 33:04 But it's not real love if it's inauthentic. If you're having to change who you are to make someone happy, I just don't feel like that's real love. I'm all for making adjustments and alignment with certain things, but it shouldn't be changing your core essence of who you are to make someone happy. That's not real love.

Steven Bartlett 33:22 You said something to me, which, um, really puzzled me because I've never heard it before, which was, when I said, um... I started talking to you about what things I should be compromising in my relationships, and you went, "No compromise."

Lewis Howes 33:33 'Z. I mean, for me, I don't believe in compromising who I am.

Steven Bartlett 33:38 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 33:38 If you're like, "Listen, this week I wanna go to this place for a restaurant, and next week, you can choose," that's, I guess, a compromise of, like, activities.

Steven Bartlett 33:47 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 33:48 But not compromising your core values and your authentic power. If we are compromising our authentic selves, we are essentially saying, "Screw you" to our creator. You've created us for who we are, and, "No, I don't wanna be this way for one human being 'cause it doesn't make them feel good, or it makes them unhappy, or they're afraid or scared," as opposed to, "Who can I be if I'm 100% myself in life?" And I'm not saying, like, if you've got flaws, adjust those, improve those. Like, I'm all willing to improve and adjust all my flaws. But if it's something that's at my core, is my personality, I'm not changing for anyone. Why? I won't to be changing for one person? That just doesn't seem like a good, I don't know, situation. And I've done it for too long.

Steven Bartlett 34:35 And with, with Martha, your current partner-

Lewis Howes 34:37 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 34:38 ... um, you had a conversation very early on about your unwillingness to compromise your core values.

Lewis Howes 34:44 Yes. And my priorities.

Steven Bartlett 34:46 And your priorities.

Lewis Howes 34:46 Yes. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 34:48 (laughs) Same. So tell me exactly what you mean by your priorities-

Lewis Howes 34:51 Yes.

Steven Bartlett 34:51 ... and how that was received.

Lewis Howes 34:53 Man, I told her probably, like, three months in as we... I knew in the first night I met her, I go... I wanted to be single. I was like, just got done this healing journey, get out of a relationship. I was like, "I really wanna be single for like a year and just be single." And I met her before that time, and I remember thinking, "Oh, crap. There's something unique and special here on a different level. More than just sexual attraction. There's a spiritual connection. There's something deeper that I can see a vision of something incredible that I couldn't do on my own," right? And I was like, "Let me just string this along as far as I can before I get committed," right? "Let me just give it some space, not jump into this thing too fast. Like, let's just take it slow." And after about three months, I said to her, I go, "Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that I don't think you're gonna like." And I said this many times to her. I go, "I'm gonna say something right now that you're probably not gonna like. And I don't think any woman wants to hear this from a man. I'm just letting you know." And she's thinking I'm about to drop a bomb or something, and I'm like, "You may not wanna continue dating me after you hear this." She's like, "What is it?" (laughs) You know, she's freaking out. I go, "You will never be my number one priority. Never." (laughs) And, and I had an explanation. I said, "Listen. My number one priority needs to be my health because without my health, I can't fully show up for my number two priority, which is my mission or my calling from God."

Steven Bartlett 36:25 Oh, God. She wasn't even number two, Lewis.

Lewis Howes 36:27 And I said, "You're not number one, and you're not number two."...you're number three. And no woman wants to hear, "I'm the third priority in some man's life. They need to make me number one. I need to be think of... They need to be thinking about me all the time, I'm number one priority, otherwise I'm out of here." And it's not that she's not a number one top priority, but health needs to come first at all times. That doesn't mean all day I'm doing my health. It's just, I need to make sure every day I'm taking care of it, this is a top priority. If this is number two, number three, number 10, I'm not gonna be good for you in our relationship. I'm not gonna have energy. I'm gonna be more moody. So, I need to make this a priority first for the second priority, which is my mission, my calling from God, the universe, the world, whatever you want to call it, whatever's speaking through me into the existence. Because if that is not a high priority for me, then I'm gonna be unhappy, because I'm gonna feel like there's something calling me in the world and I'm not doing it because I'm giving more time and attention to one person. But if I am healthy and working on myself, if I am putting energy and time into my mission, then you're gonna have the most incredible relationship of your life, because I'm gonna be of service to you in such a high, beautiful, authentic way that it... you're gonna be feeling like you're the number one priority.

Steven Bartlett 37:47 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 37:48 But you just have to be in awareness that this is where I'm coming from. And it doesn't mean I'm not gonna be spending all my time with you when I'm free and all... and we're not gonna have an amazing life. But you gotta be aware this is my priorities. And the crazy thing is, right when I finished, she said, "That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard, because that's exactly what I've been looking for. I've been dating guys with no purpose. None of them had a purpose, they made me their purpose." And I was like, "No, what's the thing you want to do in the world? What's the calling you have?" And none of them had a calling. They had stuff, activities, they had hobbies, but it wasn't like a main calling in the world. And she was like, "You're the perfect match for me because you have a mission to serve the world, and I'm cool with that."

Steven Bartlett 38:33 Were you trying to scare her off-

Lewis Howes 38:34 I was.

Steven Bartlett 38:34 ...based on a previous relationship?

Lewis Howes 38:36 I was trying to scare her off by saying I'm never gonna change who I am.

Steven Bartlett 38:40 Based on a previous relationship?

Lewis Howes 38:42 Based on five previous relationships.

Steven Bartlett 38:44 Right.

Lewis Howes 38:44 It was based on every relationship before where I abandoned myself to try to make one person happy and create peace in an environment, because there was never peace. And it's my responsibility, it was my decisions by choosing these relationships, by staying, and by not leaving sooner. And so it's never... Because I just wanted to fix the relationship. I was like, "Okay, how can we make this better?"

Steven Bartlett 39:06 What mask have I got to wear?

Lewis Howes 39:07 Exactly.

Steven Bartlett 39:08 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 39:08 And so, man, it's, it's liberating and freeing. And the only way this works is because... This sounds bad. Yeah, I'm gonna say something that probably sounds bad. I think, I think my girlfriend would be okay with me saying this, but the only way this works is I'm willing to walk away at any moment. I don't want to walk away. I want to be with this woman. She's incredible. She's a gift in my life. But if it's not in alignment with her values, her vision, her lifestyle, my values, my vision, my lifestyle, and we don't fully accept who we are, then we shouldn't be together.

Steven Bartlett 39:46 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 39:46 And I want the best for her and I want the best for me. So as sad as I would be, I'm willing to walk away any moment if it compromises giving up who I am.

Steven Bartlett 39:55 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 39:57 And it brings me peace because I'm not attached.

Steven Bartlett 40:00 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 40:01 I'm committed. I'm holding it loosely, you know, I'm, I'm... got my hands wrapped around the relationship, but I'm not suffocating the relationship. I'm not squeezing it to death. I'm like, okay, you can...

Steven Bartlett 40:12 Mm-hmm. You want it, you don't need it.

Lewis Howes 40:13 Yeah, I want it.

Steven Bartlett 40:14 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 40:14 I'm committed. I'm all in. But I'm not going to change who I am-

Steven Bartlett 40:18 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 40:19 ...to force it.

Steven Bartlett 40:20 I had a few words to say about one of my sponsors on this podcast. My girlfriend came upstairs yesterday when I was having a shower and she said to me that she tried the Huel protein shake, which lives on my fridge over there. And she said it's amazing. Low calories. You get your 20-odd grams of protein, you get your 26 vitamins and minerals, and it's nutritionally complete. In the protein space, there's lots of things, but it's hard to find something that is nice, especially when consumed just with water, and that is nutritionally complete and that has about 100 Gr- calories in total, while also giving you your 20 grams of protein. If you haven't tried the Huel protein product, do give it a try. The salted caramel one, if you put some ice cubes in it and you put it in a blender and you try it, is as good as pretty much any milkshake on the market, just mixed with water. It's been a game changer for me because I'm trying to drop my calorie intake and I'm trying to be a little bit more healthy with my diet. So this is where Huel fits in my life. Thank you Huel for making a product that I actually like. The salted caramel is my favorite. I've got the banana one here, which is the one my girlfriend likes, but for me, salted caramel is the one.

Steven Bartlett 41:23 When you talk about priorities, I was trying to, in my head, think of a (laughs) a use of words that might be more, um, (laughs) received better. And I... It's funny because I was thinking about this table. I was thinking there's... This table we're, we're on now has two levels, right?

Lewis Howes 41:37 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 41:38 The first foundation of this table you could call health, right? Without that, nothing else can sit on the table.

Lewis Howes 41:42 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 41:42 The second foundation could be mission, and then the relationship sits on top of both.

Lewis Howes 41:45 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 41:46 And it's, it's enabled by the foundation of my, my health and my mission.

Lewis Howes 41:49 Absolutely, man.

Steven Bartlett 41:49 I think if you kind of flip it, it kind of sounds better. (laughs)

Lewis Howes 41:52 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 41:52 So, but I was thinking, put that... You... Like, because effectively you're putting your health at the bottom-

Lewis Howes 41:55 (coughs) Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 41:56 (coughs) ... which is... But it's also still your foundation. But I completely get that because at any time in my life where I've abandoned my, my sense of mission, I can only do that for a short period of time.

Lewis Howes 42:05 Absolutely.

Steven Bartlett 42:05 I can only fake that before I start to lose orientation in my mind. And-

Lewis Howes 42:10 And you resent yourself.

Steven Bartlett 42:11 I resent myself and the person. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 42:12 You resent the person, you resent the relationship, and you're like... You're not in love as much with the relationship because you feel like you're not... It's not lifting you to your highest calling.

Steven Bartlett 42:20 Amen.

Lewis Howes 42:21 And I think the beautiful thing about Martha and our relationship, I think she'll be open with me talking about this, but every relationship I've been in, I was like, I wonder what it would be like to start therapy in the beginning when everything is perfect. So with Martha, I said in the beginning, I said, "Listen-... I'm doing therapy every two weeks. I did this for the last year on my own, individually. I'm gonna be doing it for this next year and years. Just as emotional accountability for myself in life, business, friends, family. Like, anything I need to process, it's just good for me to clean the energy and not let things pile up. And I said, "I'd love for us..." And she was doing this individually. I said, "I'd love for us to do this together as we start to develop our relationship when things are great, and actually see if we are in alignment." And so two weekends ago, we did a five-hour session together with my therapist talking about expectations, agreements, values, dreams, vision, and just processing anything we needed to process. And it was such a powerful experience that when things are going good, to continue to talk about vision casting, what we wanna build together, not when things are going bad.

Steven Bartlett 43:36 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 43:36 And it's really to talk about things that maybe we haven't fully been o- comfortable talking about yet, and putting it out there, as opposed to hiding things or waiting for things to come out later. And it was such a powerful five-hour experience. I mean, it's very emotional and you're processing a lot. And we're, we're diving in deep exercises, eye gazing, talking about things. Like, it's an emotional relationship workout.

Steven Bartlett 44:01 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 44:02 You'll save a lot of time and headache by going to therapy when things are great, as opposed to when things are bad.

Steven Bartlett 44:07 It's like that prevention versus reacting to-

Lewis Howes 44:09 Prevention, man.

Steven Bartlett 44:09 ... once it's reared its u- ugly head-

Lewis Howes 44:11 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 44:11 ... and there's been some bust up.

Lewis Howes 44:13 You go to the gym not because you're sick, but because you're healthy.

Steven Bartlett 44:16 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 44:16 To stay healthy.

Steven Bartlett 44:17 To stay healthy, yeah.

Lewis Howes 44:18 You know, not wh- not when you wait to get sick, "Now I need to go to the gym."

Steven Bartlett 44:21 Yeah, yeah. (laughs)

Lewis Howes 44:21 And I think, who does that in relationships? I don't know anyone who's done that. You hear people say, like, before marriage we do, like, a pre-marital maybe relationship training with-

Steven Bartlett 44:31 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 44:31 ... the churches or, or like a therapist, but that's after a few years usually. I just wanted to experiment. I have no idea where it's gonna go, but I feel like, hmm, something's, something's happening underneath the surface by both of us doing this together when things are good.

Steven Bartlett 44:47 Men just don't do this stuff, Lewis. I'm thinking about my guy friends, and I can imagine some hesitancy towards them.

Lewis Howes 44:53 Oh, 100%.

Steven Bartlett 44:54 Because they just not... It's all the things you've described, that they've worn a mask of toughness. We put the, we keep the emotions in the back room. You know what I mean? And, uh, and also, do you know what-

Lewis Howes 45:01 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 45:01 ... do you know what as well? Guys don't love conflict with e- with-

Lewis Howes 45:06 Yeah, it's not fun, man.

Steven Bartlett 45:07 So they would probably see that as, "Oh my God, I'm gonna get told off."

Lewis Howes 45:11 Exactly.

Steven Bartlett 45:11 "Or oh my God, uh, she's gonna give me shit for that thing I did."

Lewis Howes 45:13 Dude, it's so hard, man.

Steven Bartlett 45:14 What you've described there about doing the making the roots go deeper.

Lewis Howes 45:19 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 45:20 Again, something I have to thank you for.

Lewis Howes 45:22 It's hard to do, man. Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 45:22 Because we had a conversation about vision, values, and lifestyle.

Lewis Howes 45:25 Oh.

Steven Bartlett 45:26 And when I got back from Dubai-

Lewis Howes 45:27 How'd it go?

Steven Bartlett 45:28 (laughs) Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that was gonna say.

Lewis Howes 45:30 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 45:30 I had a conversation with my girlfriend, and she was all for it.

Lewis Howes 45:32 Really?

Steven Bartlett 45:32 So we sat on that table there. And I said, "I spoke to Lewis, and he, he talked about vision, values, and lifestyle." So we sat there one night on the weekend, lit a candle, we were making some, like-

Lewis Howes 45:43 Mm.

Steven Bartlett 45:43 ... pottery stuff.

Lewis Howes 45:44 Mm.

Steven Bartlett 45:44 And we said, "After we've done this, we'll just write down our visions, values, and lifestyle."

Lewis Howes 45:47 Wow.

Steven Bartlett 45:47 "And we'll go through them one, one by one."

Lewis Howes 45:49 That's beautiful.

Steven Bartlett 45:49 "So, like, I speak on one, you speak on one." And I said-

Lewis Howes 45:51 That's beautiful, man.

Steven Bartlett 45:52 And it took about three hours.

Lewis Howes 45:54 That's incredible.

Steven Bartlett 45:54 And there were tears.

Lewis Howes 45:55 Oh my gosh.

Steven Bartlett 45:55 There were moments of joy. But... (laughs)

Lewis Howes 45:57 Dude, that's, that's powerful.

Steven Bartlett 45:59 But the conclusion was exactly what you've described. There was all these little things. I'll give you some detail.

Lewis Howes 46:04 Give it to me.

Steven Bartlett 46:04 How we... When we go to sleep at night, I like to go to sleep a certain way. So I like something playing. She likes silence.

Lewis Howes 46:10 Oh.

Steven Bartlett 46:10 And-

Lewis Howes 46:10 But you hadn't talked about it probably.

Steven Bartlett 46:12 Hadn't talked about it.

Lewis Howes 46:12 Wow.

Steven Bartlett 46:13 And it was one of the things just about, like, our sleep routine. We're obviously gonna have to sleep in bed for many, many years, and we hadn't discussed it, and I knew it was conflict. I was getting in bed and knowing if I play this, she's not gonna be happy, but she might not say anything.

Lewis Howes 46:24 Ah.

Steven Bartlett 46:24 And so just talking it through and going, "Look, b- babe, the reason why I listen to something when I go to sleep is because I've had 29 years of doing that. When I lived in the countryside in Plymouth, I had a radio in my room, and the, the kid in me found comfort in hearing a voice when I went to sleep."

Lewis Howes 46:40 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 46:40 "You've had 29 years of doing it another way. We've gotta ask ourselves, is it really a problem?"

Lewis Howes 46:45 Hmm.

Steven Bartlett 46:46 And we, and that was the discussion. Like, is it a problem? If I say, if I put an AirPod in, because I'm not gonna compromise-

Lewis Howes 46:51 Right.

Steven Bartlett 46:52 ... and if you, you know, you won't even hear it, is it really a problem? And then, then we discussed why she thought it might be a problem. Does that impact our intimacy?

Lewis Howes 46:59 Wow.

Steven Bartlett 46:59 Well, intimacy's a sep- you know. And eventually, we came to this conclusion, and it's not an issue anymore. And it was an issue in our, our relationship for about a year.

Lewis Howes 47:06 Wow. Wow.

Steven Bartlett 47:06 It was that niggling little... You could feel the contempt and resentment slowly building.

Lewis Howes 47:11 And you guys were-

Steven Bartlett 47:11 And it's gone.

Lewis Howes 47:12 ... long distance too, right?

Steven Bartlett 47:12 We were long distance, yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:13 So it wasn't like...

Steven Bartlett 47:14 We weren't sleeping without-

Lewis Howes 47:15 It wasn't every, every, every day for months.

Steven Bartlett 47:17 No, no.

Lewis Howes 47:17 So you were like a couple weeks at a time-

Steven Bartlett 47:19 Yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:19 ... in this space.

Steven Bartlett 47:20 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:20 But when you're gonna be more together consistently-

Steven Bartlett 47:22 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:22 ... it could be a problem.

Steven Bartlett 47:23 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:23 Wow.

Steven Bartlett 47:23 That's one of a list of about 30 things-

Lewis Howes 47:25 Wow.

Steven Bartlett 47:26 ... that, that we, we addressed and worked through. And more than anything, coming out the end of that exercise, which is something I've never done with any partner I've ever had.

Lewis Howes 47:34 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 47:34 I've never even had the conversation. You just crack on.

Lewis Howes 47:36 You don't think about these things.

Steven Bartlett 47:37 No, you don't.

Lewis Howes 47:38 I didn't learn this until like two years ago, man.

Steven Bartlett 47:39 Yeah. (laughs)

Lewis Howes 47:40 You just, just, you just g- get on with life, right? You just try to keep having fun experiences.

Steven Bartlett 47:45 And avoid-

Lewis Howes 47:46 Conflict.

Steven Bartlett 47:47 ... the conflict.

Lewis Howes 47:47 I've had so many uncomfortable conversations with, with Martha that it's like a muscle. You gotta practice it. And every time an uncomfortable conversation comes up, (exhales) I have to breathe, and I'm like, "Oh man."

Steven Bartlett 47:59 You feel tense and anxious.

Lewis Howes 48:00 Yeah, I don't wanna do it. I don't like it. I don't think anyone likes it. But the more we do it... Here's the thing. We've created a safe space where... And the reason I don't like to do it, or haven't liked to do it until now, is because every time I would have an uncomfortable conversation before, the partner I had could not handle it.

Steven Bartlett 48:18 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 48:19 So I'd say, "Here's how I'm feeling," and they couldn't handle it. Or there'd be an explosion or reaction or something. So it didn't make me feel safe-

Steven Bartlett 48:26 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 48:26 ... to have the uncomfortable conversation, so I would avoid it.

Steven Bartlett 48:28 Amen.

Lewis Howes 48:29 And with Martha, I said to her, "Listen," like the first uncomfortable conversation, I go... She asked me a question about something that was kind of like... I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember being like, "Hmm, should I tell her the truth or should I..."

Steven Bartlett 48:43 (laughs)

Lewis Howes 48:44 ... kind of s- a little bit of the truth, you know? And I go, "Do you want me to be 100% honest with you?" And she said, "Yes, always." I go, "Are you sure you want me to be 100% honest?" She said, "Yes." And I go, "Okay, let me ask you one more time. And the reason I'm asking you is because I've never met someone who can hold the space for my honesty without-"

Steven Bartlett 49:07 Screaming. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 49:07 "... reacting or crying or screaming or running away. So are you saying you're, you're emotionally available to hold the space for my honesty and truth?" And she said, "Yes. I'm a grown woman." I go, "Interesting. Okay. Well, here it is." And she was like, "Thank you for your honesty." And it built a one step, "Okay. Let me try this again one more time and make sure she can really handle it." And the more steps of her holding space for my honesty and my vulnerability and not exploding or reacting makes me feel like, okay, I can say anything. And then, she may not like it, it may be uncomfortable, but she's not explosive. And that's a powerful thing of, how can I be comfortable in the discomfort while also feeling safe?

Steven Bartlett 49:53 Amen. Amen.

Lewis Howes 49:54 That's hu- huge. And you've got to learn to practice that yourself in a relationship and not be reactive if a partner is telling you stuff about their past you don't like, or what they did or this and that, you've got to be okay and practice it, and they've got to be. And that's where constantly working on yourself is huge in intimacy in relationships. And if one person's doing that and the other person isn't, there's gonna be conflict.

Steven Bartlett 50:18 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 50:19 Do you have a trainer when you work out?

Steven Bartlett 50:21 Yes.

Lewis Howes 50:22 Have you had a business coach in the past?

Steven Bartlett 50:24 Yeah. L- loads.

Lewis Howes 50:24 Or men- or mentors?

Steven Bartlett 50:25 Yeah, so many.

Lewis Howes 50:26 Would you stop getting coaching in business even though you've been-

Steven Bartlett 50:29 No.

Lewis Howes 50:29 ... so successful?

Steven Bartlett 50:30 No.

Lewis Howes 50:30 You wouldn't stop even though you've got all this money-

Steven Bartlett 50:32 No.

Lewis Howes 50:32 ... in businesses and startups and investment ahsh, you know, Dragon's Den and ah-

Steven Bartlett 50:35 (laughs)

Lewis Howes 50:36 You'd keep hiring a coach or have a mentor-

Steven Bartlett 50:39 100%.

Lewis Howes 50:39 ... in business. Why would we not do that for our emotions and our heart?

Steven Bartlett 50:44 Hmm.

Lewis Howes 50:45 It is the most powerful energy that we have, emotions and our heart. And yet, we have a stigma around having a coach or mentor or guide or a therapist, whatever you want to call it, of emotional regulation and a- and accountability. And people make so many mistakes in their lives by not having that regulated. Their reactions could have consequences for years. People go to prison for one reaction. People lose their entire business for one reaction. People lose their marriages because of one emotional reaction. This is one of the most powerful currencies in the world, in my opinion, is having power over your emotions. Not stuffing your emotions, not saying they don't exist, not a- acknowledging them, but expressing them in a healthy way and in a healthy environment. And when we learn that, and I've been learning that over the last couple years, it's been an incredible shift in every area of my life, and I also just feel an incredible sense of peace. I'm not saying that I'm always gonna be perfect in the future around this, but showing up to someone twi- oh, twice a month and processing makes me a whole lot better.

Steven Bartlett 51:59 You've just reminded me of something that really stuck out to me when I first met you.

Lewis Howes 52:03 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 52:04 Was, when we were sat there, and you're doing it again today, you've done it three times today, is you would say something, and then you'd say, "And that's my responsibility."

Lewis Howes 52:15 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 52:16 So even when you were talking about previous relationships you've been in or whatever else, you would not blame the other person. You would, like, aggressively not blame them in a, in a really remarkable way. So you'd say-

Lewis Howes 52:27 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 52:27 "This happened, this happened, this happened, this happened."

Lewis Howes 52:29 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 52:30 Wh- where any other human being I've ever met was, was in their right to attribute the blame to the other person-

Lewis Howes 52:35 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 52:35 ... and you would always end the sentence, as you've done three times today, with, "And that's on me," or, "And that's my responsibility."

Lewis Howes 52:40 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 52:41 Why?

Lewis Howes 52:42 'Cause I chose it. I chose those experiences, I chose those relationships, I chose the environment, I chose those people, I chose to stay, and it's my responsibility on how I show up and how I react, how I respond, and how I stay or leave.

Steven Bartlett 52:59 But even when someone was toxic or whatever to you, you say, "That was on me."

Lewis Howes 53:02 It's my responsibility because if someone does that and I stay with them, that's on me. That's me not standing up for myself, that's me abandoning myself. That's not on them. They're living their life. They're doing what they do naturally. It didn't line up with me, but I stayed, so that's on me. I can't expect someone else to change. I can't expect someone else to respect my values, my vision, and my lifestyle. They have theirs, and they're showing it through their actions and their behaviors. And so for me, if I'm able to witness that and be aware and not have the false sense of love, and be attached to the false sense of love that I'm feeling, I'm having this feeling about this person and I wanna get back to this healthy environment with this person, I gotta learn to let that go. And that's why I say I can hold love in my hands loosely, committed, and excited about it. But if it's not meant for me, I shouldn't hold onto it and abandon myself. And I think I did that too many times, so that's 100% my responsibility.

Steven Bartlett 54:03 Can you run me through them? 'Cause I know there's gonna be people that, people listening to this that have just had, we've both done this exercise and it was amazing-

Lewis Howes 54:09 Yes.

Steven Bartlett 54:09 ... and they're gonna, they're now thinking, "What is the values part-"

Lewis Howes 54:11 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 54:11 "... what is the vision part, and what's the lifestyle part?"

Lewis Howes 54:13 Yeah, I think the values is really about... Well, for, for me, the values is like, okay, I value health in my life. I'm, I'm gonna be focused on my health. I value my mission, my team, my business, like, that's a conscious mission. I value spending time with friends. I value all my hobbies and activities. That's salsa dancing, that's traveling, that's all these different things I enjoy doing. I value conscious conversations. Like, I wanna have conscious conversations. I can't have superficial conversations. I literally met someone this morning before I came here, um...... who is a part of a big company here in, in London. And within two minutes, I probably, like, shouldn't do this, but I don't know if all British people are this way, and it's not a bad thing, but they're very good with, like, surface talk.

Steven Bartlett 55:01 Yeah. (laughs)

Lewis Howes 55:02 You know? (laughs) "Oh, how was your, how was the flight?" And, uh-

Steven Bartlett 55:04 The weather.

Lewis Howes 55:04 "... let's order some tea and crumpets," or whatever it is, you know, and it's like...

Steven Bartlett 55:08 (laughs)

Lewis Howes 55:08 Which is fine, but I just can't handle it after a few minutes. So right away, I s- um, the person is sitting next to me, I was like, "How's your marriage?" You know?

Steven Bartlett 55:17 (laughs)

Lewis Howes 55:18 I was just asking, I was just like, I was, "H- how long have you been married for?" You know, and she was like, "Oh, I've been married for, like, six years." And I go, "What's three questions you wish you would have asked?"

Steven Bartlett 55:25 (laughs)

Lewis Howes 55:25 I literally did this. I go, "What's three questions you wish you would have asked the day before you got married that you didn't ask?" 'Cause I'm just fascinated by people, you know, I'm curious. I'm like, "How amazing has the marriage been? How has it been, has it been healthy, have you had challenges? Is there anything you wish you would've changed or talked about sooner?" And right away, she was like opening up and, like, being vulnerable.

Steven Bartlett 55:46 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 55:47 And I was like, "Sorry to put this on you right now, but I'm just fascinated 'cause I wanna learn from everyone." And, um, so I was like, "I wanna have conscious conversations." It's one of my values. So we have these deep, intimate talks all the time. And so I write down a list of all my values. The vision is, this is the vision for my personal life, so personally I wanna be working out, I'm gonna be healthy. As an individual, my vision is my, my mission, which is building a conscious business to serve millions of people, to help them improve the quality of their life. And, uh, this is a major priority to me. This is my one and two priority, this is my vision. And also our relationship vision, which I think is extremely important to talk about with your partner. Here is the vision I have for our relationship, for these, these couple years and for the future. This is what I see. With flexibility, nothing's set in stone, but this is what I see. What is your vision for our relationship? Because maybe her or his re- vision is different. One person wants to have kids, the other person doesn't. One wants to get married, the other doesn't. One wants an open relationship, the other one doesn't want that. One wants their family around every weekend. The other one's like, "I don't want to be around your family every weekend."

Steven Bartlett 56:59 Mm.

Lewis Howes 56:59 So what is the vision of our shared relationship? And then lifestyle. I love, you know, traveling. Do you like to travel? I love to watch these types of movies, I like to eat these types of foods, I like these types of experiences. This is a lifestyle that I live. If you have a completely different lifestyle, that's gonna be hard for us. If you like to do none of those things, if you like to stay at home every day, where I wanna go out and network with people and travel, that's just gonna be a tot- we're gonna be butting heads a lot, and there might be... Maybe it works, but it might cause some friction and distance in the future. So are we in alignment of values, vision, and lifestyle? It doesn't have to be 100% perfect, but is there alignment in each category? And I think the more alignment you have, the more potential for a better, healthier relationship.

Steven Bartlett 57:50 And on things like work, this is obviously a big one for ambitious people-

Lewis Howes 57:53 Uh-huh.

Steven Bartlett 57:53 ... when they, um, when they're running a business, they're career-driven, they're v- vision or mission-driven, and they have a partner, I wanna know from a work perspective what kinda conversation you've had with Martha-

Lewis Howes 58:06 Uh-huh.

Steven Bartlett 58:06 ... and vice versa. Because know you're a guy that travels a lot, does a lot of speaking-

Lewis Howes 58:10 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 58:10 ... is very, you know, in pursuit of yourself and your potential, so how do you then balance, like, being a, a boyfriend, being present, going on dates and stuff? What's the conversation?

Lewis Howes 58:22 When I first met her, I said, "One of my values is alone time." Like, that's one of my values as well-

Steven Bartlett 58:27 That's one of mine.

Lewis Howes 58:27 ... is having alone time, having enough space in our home so that I can go in a room and do what I wanna do and watch sports or chill, and you can do what you wanna do, and I feel like we have space. It doesn't mean I don't wanna be around her all the time, but I also value my space and alone time and so does she. So it's having those conversations. And with b- with business, I said, "Listen, if you can come on any trip, like, you're more than welcome to come. I'd love for you to come." But she's doing her own thing. She's traveling as well, back and forth from Atlanta, so. Um, and she'll be filming two movies later this year and gone for two months at a time, so I'll need to travel at those times and she'll travel with me, and that's the season of our life right now.

Steven Bartlett 59:06 And are you, you're anticipating another season at some point, I imagine?

Lewis Howes 59:09 At some point, yeah. I mean, it may evolve. It may change, and the family and all these other things. So it's like when that season happens, there may be less travel for her, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 59:17 How do you feel about that?

Lewis Howes 59:18 About what?

Steven Bartlett 59:19 About the next season of family-

Lewis Howes 59:20 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 59:21 ... 'cause you have a smirk on your face which is-

Lewis Howes 59:22 Well, I, I, this is something that I say to her. I go, "Listen, I'm really intentional about building a deep, strong foundation. Let's keep sh- building a strong foundation and everything else will follow. If I feel a sense of peace or feel a sense of safety in this relationship, just like you-

Steven Bartlett 59:38 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 59:38 ... then all these other things are gonna happen naturally, and they'll probably happen fast naturally, once we both have a deeper foundation and just experience life more," so.

Steven Bartlett 59:47 Have you historically had a commitment challenge?

Lewis Howes 59:50 100%, man. 100%. Well, actually-

Steven Bartlett 59:52 Does it make you scared?

Lewis Howes 59:52 ... I haven't had a commitment challenge because I've always been committed. I've been in very long-term committed relationships.

Steven Bartlett 59:57 Interesting.

Lewis Howes 59:58 But I've had a commitment challenge in seeing around family and kids because I never trusted the person I was with fully, so I couldn't see myself having kids with them, and I kept waiting to see something to shift to where I felt like... And this was kinda where my head would go, this is maybe weird, but I'd say, "If something ever happened to me, could I trust this person would take care of my kids?" And I just never felt that, 'cause I never felt like I could trust them with me. Like, again, I take full responsibility and accountability because I chose people that didn't accept me fully, that weren't happy with who I was, and so that's on me. And I never felt like I could go to the next level with any of them because I was like, "Something's off inside and I feel like, ugh, I'm changing who I am to make them happy and they're still not happy."... so I can't have kids with, I can't see myself living like this for, you know, 20 years with someone, so...

Steven Bartlett 1:00:55 And that kind of trauma, that niggle-

Lewis Howes 1:00:56 Oh, man.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:57 ... is, is that still inside you there somewhere? Where, as you think about this-

Lewis Howes 1:01:00 I don't, I think it was in the first maybe few months of us dating, but I don't feel like it is anymore. Yeah, I feel like every day, I create more and more peace-

Steven Bartlett 1:01:10 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:01:10 ... and connection, and safety. And she's just an incredible person. Like, she's just a great human being and trustworthy and... So it's like, even if something happened to me, she could be an incredible, you know, incredible mom, so...

Steven Bartlett 1:01:26 Of all the things you've learned from your good and bad relationships, if you were to have, if I had to, if I said to you that, what is the single biggest killer of relationships, what would your answer be?

Lewis Howes 1:01:38 Uh, I would say the biggest killer of relationships is being out of integrity with your authentic power and abandoning yourself to create peace in the relationship. Because if one person's doing that or two people are doing that, there's some type of codependency, there's some type of wound on why we're doing that, that's creating that. So for me, the biggest killer is not healing. That's the biggest killer. Whatever wounds we have, be on the healing journey. It's not a, it's not gonna happen overnight, it's not like a moment, it's a journey of healing. And I think, um, the more people are willing to dive into their heart and their emotions, and whatever insecurities, wherever they feel triggered, that's where you need to lean into. Because that trigger's gonna come up in the relationships big time if you haven't healed it. So it's the emotional healing, I think, is one of the most powerful things. It's funny, I interviewed a brain surgeon who'd done over 1,000 brain surgeries and studied the brain. And he's also a PhD in neuroscience. So he studies the mind and thoughts, and he was a brain surgeon. And I said, "What's the number one skill you feel like human beings should learn to master?" And his answer was beautiful. He said, "Emotional regulation." And I was like, "I 100% agree," because if we don't have the power to regulate our feelings around a situation and environment, something that happens, an event, then that event has power over us as opposed to us over that moment. And if it has power over us to where we react so strongly, we need to ask ourselves, "Why am I so triggered? Where is that wound? That's a wound somewhere. Where is that wound and how can I start the healing journey?" I'm not saying that things are gonna happen in life and you're never gonna feel something, but just not react and be overwhelmed emotionally to where it takes you away from love and takes you away from your mission. But if something is so strong that it causes you to lose sleep for three days or causes you to react in a negative way, it's pulling you away from your heart, from love, and from your meaningful mission. And I think we just gotta get back to, "Okay, why is this stressing me out? How can I process this and integrate healing in a healthy way so that when life happens, it doesn't pull me off my mission?" And that's something I've experienced for the first time in the last three months, is really like, life has happened in a big way for me. It's sidetracked me a little bit, but it's not pulling me off. Like, I'm, I'm needing to face it and deal with things and process, but it's not like defeating me to where I feel like I'm exhausted.

Steven Bartlett 1:04:31 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:04:31 And that's because I'm holding myself emotionally accountable and doing the work.

Steven Bartlett 1:04:37 If I, if someone's listening to this and they don't have a therapist, they, they don't have the resources or whatever-

Lewis Howes 1:04:41 Uh-huh.

Steven Bartlett 1:04:42 ... to, to have therapy. How else can they go about developing the self-awareness required for that emotional regulation journey?

Lewis Howes 1:04:48 Hmm. There's definitely things you can do on your own. I would, I would, uh, read a book called How to Do The Work, um, by, uh, Nicole LePera, which gives you a lot of exercises and practices and things like that on how to do the work yourself. So you can get the book for 25 bucks and, and start there, and start your own ritual and healing process. Whether it be journaling, whether it be, you know, other ty- types of meditations, things like that. They have, she has different rituals in there you can do. But I would recommend, I don't think there's anything more powerful than sitting in front of a human and talking to someone about how you feel and what you're going through. So whether that's a priest or a parent or a teacher or, you know, a friend that you trust, someone you feel like who has a little bit more wisdom than you, I would start there until you can afford the therapy.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:38 And in terms of emotional journeys, you cite that you're still on one.

Lewis Howes 1:05:43 Absolutely.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:44 What are the things that you're now talking to your therapist about that you're trying to solve in yourself?

Lewis Howes 1:05:48 I had this photo for the last year, and I'll just show the camera, the photo of my five-year-old self, and in the last session I did with her, it was all about, um, healing the inner child, right? It was all about healing the inner child and doing the, the work. I mean, I did some weird stuff, like putting myself in spiritual and mental environments where I'm talking to my five-year-old self, and looking at my five-year-old self, hugging my five-year-old self, integrating my five-year-old self with my adult self, and kind of reparenting that psychological child.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:28 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:06:28 Some weird stuff, but for whatever reason, it's worked for me, because now I can look at a situation and say, "Okay, do I feel triggered? Oh, where's that coming from? Is it from that hurt child?" If so, all I need to do is have a conversation with that part of my mind and say, "I'm an adult now, and the adult is here, and I got your back. I can take care of this." I know how to process and soothe things in a healthy way. I don't need to lean onto an addiction or reaction or whatever it may be to process.... I know how to handle this. I know how to breathe. I know how to g- take a walk. I know how to have a conversation and process. You're safe. You're okay. It's all gonna be okay. Whereas before, I didn't have that ability to communicate with a wounded part of myself.

Steven Bartlett 1:07:13 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:07:14 And so now, she said, "We've healed the five-year-old version of you that was sexually abused, because I don't get triggered by it. I don't get reactive to it. I'm not defensive and guarded anymore. And I'm also shifting the way I don't please people in relationships anymore. So I've done a lot of things to do the work about intimacy and relationships and just in life." She's like, "Now..." And I go, "Okay, am I done?" 'Cause this is a lot of work, you know? It's like, it's a lot. (paper rustles) You're diving into your emotions. You're tapping into uncomfortable stuff. You're, like, crying. It's all these things. She's like, "This is a journey. Do you wanna go to the next level in your life, or are you satisfied?" I'm like, (sighs) "Okay, you gotta keep going, you know? There's always something else." And so she's like, "We wanna tap into the 11 and 12-year-old self." And she's like, "Find a photo." I, that's my next homework, is to put a photo of myself when I was 11 or 12 and start healing that part of my life. And there was a bunch of different stuff that happened in that phase that I haven't fully healed or forgiven myself. And so that'll be the next work to do, and it'll be, like, stages of life until I meet myself to where I am now.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:22 Interesting.

Lewis Howes 1:08:23 And healing, and, and working on the evolution of all the memories of the past that wrote a story and developed chapters in a book that did not serve me up until now.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:35 It's like a script, wasn't it?

Lewis Howes 1:08:36 Yeah, and rewriting the script.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:38 Yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:08:39 And not diminishing the things that happened, but acknowledging them and healing them in a different way and processing it-

Steven Bartlett 1:08:45 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:08:45 ... in a healthy way so that I can meet myself where I'm at now-

Steven Bartlett 1:08:49 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:08:50 ... and then really start elevating.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:52 How much has doing a podcast where you sit with these people, but also you reflect-

Lewis Howes 1:08:57 It's a game changer, man.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:58 Yeah, right. (laughs) I, I-

Lewis Howes 1:08:58 It's a game changer, man. I get the biggest, like, neuroscience... I've had so many... And this year has been, like, the year of therapists, of neuroscientists, and spiritual gurus and just being, like, figuring out more and more about emotions, about regulation, about healing, about inner child worth. Because I have people on there where I'm like, when I'm struggling with something in my life, I bring those people on.

Steven Bartlett 1:09:19 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:09:19 And I'm like, "Teach me how to, like, overcome this," you know?

Steven Bartlett 1:09:21 Free therapy, right? (laughs)

Lewis Howes 1:09:22 It's incredible. Yeah, and so my audience will be like, "Oh, Lewis is going through stuff with this. Oh, Lewis is going through a breakup."

Steven Bartlett 1:09:27 (laughs)

Lewis Howes 1:09:27 "Oh, Lewis is in a relationship. Oh, Lewis is..." You know?

Steven Bartlett 1:09:32 (laughs) It's amazing. Uh, well, the other thing that I am, I know a lot of people will, will struggle with is the confidence to overcome some kind of fear. You talked a little bit there about our self-story and how that limits us. One of the, the fears I know you had in your life, which is almost impossible to imagine based on the, the man you are sitting in front of me today, was that fear of public speaking.

Lewis Howes 1:09:50 Huge fear, man.

Steven Bartlett 1:09:51 And-

Lewis Howes 1:09:52 I could not stand in front of two to three p- friends in school and really even have a conversation. Like, I didn't know how to... If someone would ask me a question, I would get nervous. I couldn't even respond with really a small story. Just 'cause I was so... The story I told myself when I was so used to being made fun of and picked on growing up that I would just, didn't wanna speak that much 'cause I didn't wanna be made fun of.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:16 (paper rustles) I had a few words to say about one of my sponsors on this podcast. As you might know, Crafted are one of the sponsors of this podcast, and Crafted are a jewelry brand, and they make really meaningful pieces of jewelry. The really wonderful thing about Crafted jewelry is it's super affordable, it looks amazing, the pieces hold tremendous meaning, and they are really well-made. I think I've worn this piece for almost a year. It hasn't broken, hasn't changed color, 'cause it's really, really good quality, and it costs roughly 50 quid. People will be surprised when they hear that. They'll probably assume that all of my jewelry is, like, solid gold and costs thousands and thousands of pounds. But what's the point when you can achieve the exact same effect from a piece of jewelry that's high-quality and costs 50 quid? That's why I

Steven Bartlett 1:11:00 buy Crafted. (paper rustles) To put it in context of where you are today, you're-

Lewis Howes 1:11:03 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:11:03 ... an international speaker. You're getting honest... You're getting paid big six-figure numbers to speak once.

Lewis Howes 1:11:08 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:11:09 And I just wanna put that in context, 'cause you went from someone that basically couldn't have a conversation- (laughs)

Lewis Howes 1:11:13 Couldn't, man.

Steven Bartlett 1:11:13 ... to now, like, an international public speaker.

Lewis Howes 1:11:16 Yeah, I don't know if, um, it was like this in school in the UK. But in America, at least in Ohio where I grew up, the teacher would sometimes say, "Okay, we're gonna have you guys read aloud." Right? And, "Okay, Lewis, open up chapter one, paragraph one, and stand up and read in front of people." And it got to the point where it was so terrifying because I would get up, and I was not able to read until really about 10th grade, no joke. When I went into 8th grade at that private boarding school, they tested me, reading and comprehension and everything, and I had a 2nd-grade reading level. So when I was in school, it was so hard for me to stand in front of the class and read aloud, because the simplest words, I didn't know what they were, what they were. I was dyslexic, so it was just challenging to read, and then I'd feel nervous, and then I would sabotage it, and then kids would laugh because I couldn't read. And so it was just kind of, like, a traumatizing thing that I had to learn how to let go of and heal. And so I just never wanted to speak in front of people. And I remember, this is funny, I was also, um, (laughs) I was also terrified to dance. And I started salsa dancing obsessively because I wanted to overcome this fear. And when I was learning this skill of salsa dancing to overcome that fear, I met a guy who was a public speaker, and he got paid to speak around the country. And I said, "How do you do this?" And he said, "Meet me tomorrow at this coffee shop, and I'll, and I'll answer any question you have." 'Cause we're literally, like, in the middle of the dance floor when I'm asking this.

Steven Bartlett 1:12:45 (laughs)

Lewis Howes 1:12:45 So I meet him at this coffee shop in Columbus, Ohio. And he was like, "If you wanna overcome the fear of public speaking, you need to practice it every week. And I recommend joining this thing called Toastmasters where you can practice in a safe environment where they're not gonna laugh at you."And he said, "Go every week for a year and come back to me when you're done." And that's what I did, I went to a Toastmasters club every week for a year. And I remember it was terrifying for the first few months, but the more I did it and just messed up, I just kept messing up. But I found someone to mentor me there, I practiced it consistently every single week. My next speech, I would put myself in uncomfortable conversations to just be made fun of, or just feel like I'm so stupid around these people. But every week I'd show up, I would get a little bit more confidence, a little bit more confidence, till the last week of the year. I remember I had no notes, no prompts, no nothing, and I was extremely poised and confident, and got, like, this standing ovation at the end of the year because they saw my journey. The first speech I had everything written out word for word. Word for word, I looked down at, behind a podium and read word for word. I didn't look up once on my first speech to the point where I was like, "Okay, I'm writing a speech and then looking up a couple times while reading it." To then it was, like, just note cards, to then it was bullet points, to then it was a slide, to then it was nothing. But it was mind-blowing because it took