The Diary of a CEOWorld Leading Sex Therapist: How To Avoid Having Bad Sex: Kate Moyle | E73
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 10:20
Opening: Why Sex Problems Break Relationships
Steven introduces sex therapist Kate Moyle and frames the episode as a rare, honest deep dive into sexual challenges that are usually taboo. He shares a painful breakup story where his partner’s low libido and refusal to discuss sex triggered intense insecurity and ultimately ended a relationship he believed could have led to marriage.
- •Steven’s last serious relationship ended primarily because his partner didn’t enjoy sex and couldn’t talk about it.
- •He internalized her lack of desire as personal rejection and failure, leading to anxiety and avoidance.
- •Kate recognizes his story as a common cluster of issues: desire discrepancies, anxiety, poor communication and shame.
- •She notes society’s failure to normalize sexual ups and downs makes such problems feel catastrophic and isolating.
- 10:20 – 19:40
Normalizing Desire Changes and Low Libido
Kate explains that desire is not a fixed trait but a responsive state that shifts with context, stress, health, and relationship dynamics. Steven learns his ex was right that many people experience low libido, and they explore how reframing desire can remove pressure and make it more workable.
- •Desire (wanting sex) and arousal (body’s physical response) are distinct but related.
- •Desire commonly drops over time in relationships as novelty gives way to routine and safety.
- •Low libido is far more common than most people assume, partly because people don’t talk about it.
- •Reframing desire as variable and contextual reduces shame and helps people approach it more creatively.
- 19:40 – 31:20
Rejection, Assumptions, and How to Actually Talk About Sex
Steven revisits specific rejection moments and his decision to end the relationship when his partner said she couldn’t discuss sex with him. Kate dissects how assumption and avoidance escalate problems, and lays out principles for bringing sex onto the table without making things worse.
- •Steven’s instinct after sexual rejection was anger, withdrawal, and self‑protection rather than curiosity.
- •Kate emphasizes assumption—mind‑reading what a partner’s behavior ‘means’—as a major source of damage.
- •Healthy couples move from assumption to explanation through open, non‑defensive conversation.
- •Talking about sex works better outside the bedroom, with lower emotional charge and no immediate performance stakes.
- •It’s normal to find talking about sex with your partner harder than with anyone else because of vulnerability and fear.
- 31:20 – 42:00
Sexual Compatibility, Toys, and Different Sexual ‘Languages’
Steven describes trying to introduce toys and kink to make sex more enjoyable for a low‑libido partner and concluding they were ‘sexually incompatible’. Kate reframes compatibility as negotiable and highlights how cultural taboos, personal meanings and metacognition complicate sexual experimentation.
- •Full sexual ‘match’ on frequency, style and interests is rarer than people imagine; differences are normal.
- •Couples can often negotiate preferences just like they negotiate other lifestyle differences.
- •People attach big meanings to suggestions (e.g., “Does this toy mean I’m not enough?”), which shapes their reactions.
- •Porn, taboos, and gender stereotypes make many people wary of exploring outside the ‘norm’.
- •Sometimes there are genuine deal‑breakers, but many ‘incompatibilities’ are actually unnegotiated differences.
- 42:00 – 50:00
Desire in Long‑Term Relationships and the Myth of Spontaneity
The discussion shifts to why desire fades in long‑term relationships and how modern life—phones, stress, lack of personal space—erodes erotic connection. Kate challenges the cultural script that good sex should be spontaneous and effortless, urging couples to deliberately create time and conditions for intimacy.
- •Early relationships benefit from novelty and uncertainty, which naturally boost desire.
- •Over time, routine and security replace novelty; this doesn’t mean sex must get worse, just different.
- •Technology and constant distraction sap the attention and presence that desire thrives on.
- •Scheduling or consciously planning sexual time is not a sign of failure; it’s realistic maintenance.
- •Couples should stop comparing themselves to movie and porn depictions of effortless, constant passion.
- 50:00 – 59:40
Porn, Gender Myths, and Mis‑Education About Pleasure
Kate and Steven examine porn’s influence and persistent gendered myths about sex. They discuss female vs male arousal patterns, the rise of ‘female‑friendly’ porn, and how using porn as education creates distorted expectations about bodies, orgasms and performance.
- •Porn is performance content, not an educational tool, yet many people (of all genders) treat it as instruction.
- •Mainstream porn over‑represents intercourse and under‑represents clitoral stimulation, misinforming people about female pleasure.
- •Old gender scripts (men always want sex and initiate; women respond) still shape expectations and create pressure.
- •There is increasing demand for porn and platforms that center female pleasure and offer more realistic education.
- •Learning sex from porn is like learning to drive from an action movie; it leads to unrealistic and sometimes harmful scripts.
- 59:40 – 1:08:00
Asexuality, Sexual Anxiety, and ‘Why Humans Have Sex’
Steven brings up a friend who may be asexual and his own ex who had never orgasmed, prompting a look at asexuality, severe sexual anxiety, and the vast range of reasons people have sex. Kate references research cataloguing 237 different motivations for sex, illustrating how far beyond reproduction it extends.
- •Asexuality is a valid identity: some people don’t experience sexual attraction but can still have romantic intimacy.
- •Severe sexual anxiety can stop people dating or progressing relationships because sex feels like an impending threat.
- •Lack of pleasure‑oriented sex education leaves many people—especially women—without tools to understand their own orgasms.
- •Shame, negative early messages, and lack of body knowledge often block orgasm more than physiology does.
- •“Why Humans Have Sex” research shows motivations range from love and connection to curiosity, boredom—even warmth.
- 1:08:00 – 1:12:00
How Often ‘Should’ Couples Have Sex?
Steven presses Kate for a number on healthy sexual frequency. She resists giving a universal quota, calling frequency a ‘red herring’ and steering the focus toward satisfaction, mutual contentment, and the stories people tell themselves when sex doesn’t match an imagined average.
- •There is no single healthy number; what matters is whether both partners feel their needs are broadly met.
- •People obsess over frequency because it’s one of the only seemingly objective metrics available.
- •Comparisons to imagined norms (“everyone else is doing it more”) amplify insecurity and conflict.
- •Context—distance, health, childcare, work—makes frequency inherently variable.
- •A couple having satisfying sex once a month may be healthier than a couple begrudgingly having sex twice a week.
- 1:12:00 – 1:23:00
Sex Therapy in Practice: Who Seeks Help and For What
Kate outlines the kinds of clients she sees and normalizes seeking professional help for sexual difficulties. She explains that sex therapy addresses both psychological and relational factors and that people of all ages and situations—cancer survivors, people on antidepressants, young adults after bad early experiences—benefit from it.
- •Her clients are ‘normal people with normal problems’—individuals and couples, men and women, many under 45.
- •Common triggers for seeking therapy include health changes (cancer, menopause), medication side effects, and prior negative experiences.
- •Sexual problems are often treated as purely medical, but psychological and relational dimensions are central.
- •Therapy helps externalize shame, provide education, and create practical step‑by‑step plans instead of catastrophic thinking.
- •Stigma around both therapy and talking about sex is decreasing, improving access to help.
- 1:23:00 – 1:31:00
Polyamory, Marriage, and Rethinking Relationship Structures
The conversation broadens to alternative relationship models like polyamory and the contested value of marriage. Steven questions whether traditional marriage suits modern realities, while Kate stresses informed choice, clear rules, and communication as the real determinants of relationship health.
- •Polyamorous relationships demand strong communication and explicit rules about disclosure, time and boundaries.
- •Same‑sex and non‑traditional relationships often face fewer rigid gender role expectations but still navigate the same human dynamics.
- •Kate sees marriage as one possible structure offering security and symbolism, but not a moral requirement.
- •Steven critiques legalistic, permanent marriage for a world of rapid change and longer lifespans, advocating more bespoke commitments.
- •Kate reframes relationship ‘success’ away from duration; a 10‑year marriage that ends can still have been deeply valuable.
- 1:31:00 – 1:44:00
Physical ‘Incompatibility’, Performance Anxiety, and the Snowball Effect
Steven shares another relationship that unravelled due to what he perceived as physical mismatch during intercourse and his inability to discuss it. The resulting anxiety led to erection difficulties and avoidance. Kate breaks down how performance anxiety and fear of hurting a partner create vicious cycles.
- •People can experience conditions like vaginismus (involuntary pelvic floor contraction) or other issues that make penetration difficult or painful.
- •Even without medical issues, people can feel physically ‘incompatible’ and be too afraid to voice it.
- •Avoiding the conversation to protect a partner’s feelings often exacerbates anxiety and sexual withdrawal.
- •Performance anxiety activates fight‑flight responses that physiologically undermine arousal and erections.
- •Sex therapy focuses on changing the meaning of sex from anxious, evaluative and goal‑driven to exploratory and pleasure‑focused.
- 1:44:00 – 1:51:40
Giving Sexual Feedback Without Crushing Each Other
They tackle the practical question of how to give sexual feedback constructively. Kate offers communication strategies that reduce defensiveness and reframe sex as a shared project rather than a performance being graded by one partner.
- •Avoid raising critical feedback in the middle of sex; do it later, in a calm moment.
- •Lead with positives and frame concerns as shared goals: “I love us and I’d love us to explore X.”
- •Use “I feel / I’d like” statements instead of “You never / you always” accusations.
- •Focusing on what you enjoy and want more of often works better than listing dislikes.
- •Nobody is a mind‑reader; feedback is necessary data, not evidence of failure.
- 1:51:40 – 2:04:00
Entrepreneurship, Selfishness, and Struggling to Compromise in Love
Steven reflects on his own patterns as a work‑obsessed entrepreneur who finds compromise and unstructured ‘quality time’ difficult. He and Kate explore how a performance‑optimized mindset that works in business can undermine intimacy, and how successful people often quietly struggle in relationships.
- •Steven admits he prioritizes work and personal interests, often at the expense of partners’ needs.
- •He recognizes a mismatch between his heavily optimized, outcome‑driven work mindset and the slower, presence‑based demands of relationships.
- •Kate notes that some people get significant relational needs met from work, teams, and projects, reducing perceived need for couple intimacy.
- •Relationships require compromise, patience, and value placed on ‘pointless’ shared time—skills that may be under‑developed in high achievers.
- •Authentic happiness often requires aligning one’s relational life with one’s ‘true self’ rather than defaulting to social expectations.
- 2:04:00
Final Principles for Great Sex and Closing Reflections
In closing, Kate distills core principles of couples who tend to have good sex and resilient relationships. She admits that even as a sex therapist she must consciously apply these lessons in her own life, and emphasizes that imperfection is universal and workable.
- •Key pillars of good sex: open communication, realistic expectations, willingness to change small things, and mutual curiosity.
- •Healthy couples see talks about sex as ongoing collaboration, not one‑off crises.
- •Owning your own feelings (“I feel…”) prevents blame spirals and defensiveness.
- •Even experts are human; applying theory at home requires constant reflection and effort.
- •Kate’s broader mission is to take what she learns in therapy rooms into public spaces to create a more sex‑positive, shame‑reducing culture.
