World Leading Sex Therapist: How To Avoid Having Bad Sex: Kate Moyle | E73

Moyle identifies “unrealistic expectations” as the single biggest killer of relationships today. Movies, porn, social media and old gender myths teach that sex should be effortless, constant, always passionate and that one partner should meet all of our needs. When reality doesn’t match that script, people assume something is wrong with themselves, their partner, or the relationship instead of recognizing that fluctuation and imperfection are normal. Reframing expectations reduces pressure and opens space for problem‑solving instead of blame.

Issues like low libido, erectile difficulties, and trouble orgasming are extremely common and highly context‑dependent. Desire is not a fixed trait you’re born with; it responds to stress, mental health, self‑esteem, life stage, medication, novelty, and the quality of the relationship. Moyle urges people to stop interpreting every difficulty as a personal defect and instead ask: what’s happening in my life, my body, and our dynamic that might be affecting this?

In Steven’s story, his partner declining sex felt like a personal rejection, so he withdrew and started avoiding sex. Moyle highlights that most couples fall into this trap: they assume what a ‘no’ means (you’re not attractive, you’re bad at sex, the relationship is doomed) instead of asking. She recommends moving from assumption to explanation: talk about what’s going on for each person, ideally outside the bedroom, and frame it as a shared problem to understand rather than evidence of failure.

Ironically, the most intimidating person to discuss sex with is usually your partner because the stakes feel so high. People fear making it worse, being judged, or not being able to ‘unhear’ things. Moyle advises: have these conversations outside sexual moments, lead with positives, speak in “I” statements, and focus on what you enjoy and want more of rather than only what you don’t like. Good sexual relationships almost always involve some form of open, ongoing dialogue.

“Spice it up” doesn’t have to mean extreme kinks or a room full of toys. Moyle suggests changing one small thing each time—lights on/off, starting with clothes on vs off, using lube, skipping penetration one night, moving the pillows, lighting a candle, showering first. Tiny variations disrupt routine, increase attention and curiosity, and are far less intimidating than wholesale reinventions, making them more realistic to sustain.