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Dealing with Feelings: A Conversation With Dr. Marc Brackett

Many of us grew up hearing, “Don’t cry, you’re fine” or “Stop overreacting!” Now, we want to raise our kids differently… but how? Dr. Becky sits down with Dr. Marc Brackett, founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, to talk about his powerful personal story and research. They discuss understanding emotions as data, validating kids’ feelings without overindulging them, and building emotional literacy for the whole family. Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/4fSxbzk Your Good Inside membership might be eligible for HSA/FSA reimbursement! To learn more about how to get your membership reimbursed, check out the link here: https://www.goodinside.com/fsa-hsa-eligibility/ Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter For a full transcript of the episode, go to [goodinside.com/podcast](http://goodinside.com/podcast). When it comes to school snacks, I’ve never been the “pack my kid a portable charcuterie board” kind of parent. If you are, more power to you. I’m more of a “grab-and-go” type - I want something simple, nutritious, and easy for my kids to reach for as we’re heading out the door. That’s why I like Chomps. Their full-size meat sticks have 10 grams of protein and zero sugar. They’re filling and made from real ingredients, so it’s one less thing to think about. And if you’ve ever opened your kid’s backpack to find a half-eaten snack from who-knows-when still wrapped up in there, Chomplings are great. They’re smaller sticks (the right size to toss in a lunchbox or that little front backpack pocket) with 4 grams of protein and zero sugar. Chomps are made of high-quality ingredients like 100% grass-fed beef, venison, and antibiotic-free turkey. They’re also free from the top nine allergens, so you don’t have to worry about sending them to school. Check out all the sizes and delicious flavors at Chomps.com/DRBECKY for 15% off plus free shipping There’s always a moment - maybe two weeks into the school year - where I stop and think: “Wait, wasn’t summer just five minutes ago?” Suddenly, we’re back in the rush of packing lunches, signing permission slips, and struggling to find a pair of matching socks every morning. That’s why I’ve started looking ahead to fall breaks now - before the long-weekend creeps up on me and feels less like a break, and more like being stuck at home for three days with three kids! My go-to for quick getaways? Booking an Airbnb. It’s a reset that still feels like home: games and toys for the kids, a big living room for family movie nights, and even bunk beds that kids claim are “way better than our beds at home.” Plus, do you ever think about how you can host your own home on Airbnb for another family to enjoy while *you’re* away? It’s a great way to earn a little extra income to put towards your own trip, school supplies, or next season’s cleats. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host As parents, the mental load is real—to-do lists, doctor’s appointments, sports practices, work events, birthday parties…” (pause) Should I keep going? If your family is anything like mine, it can feel like there are a thousand things to remember and your brain is running on overdrive. Well, what if I told you there's a way to bring a little more calm and clarity to your chaotic, always-changing family schedule? Meet Skylight Calendar. It’s a central, easy-to-see touchscreen with clear colors, so everyone in your family can stay in the loop. As someone obsessed with efficiency, it almost feels like magic how seamlessly it syncs with all of the calendars you're already using—Google Calendar, Apple Calendar, Outlook, and more. I truly see this tool as your partner in sharing the mental load with your kids AND partner. (No more, “Mommm, when’s my soccer game?” or “What time do I need to pick the kids up?”) And because life doesn't stop when you leave the house, Skylight offers a free companion app. You can add or update events, check off to-do lists, and stay in sync with your family no matter where you are. Another great feature: If you're not completely thrilled within 120 days, you can return it for a full refund. Ready to say goodbye to calendar chaos and hello to a more organized and connected family life? Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch Calendars. Just go to www.SkylightCal.com/BECKY. This offer expires December 31st of this year.

Dr. Becky Kennedyhost
Sep 16, 202545mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Practical emotional intelligence strategies for parents: permission, data, capability, compassion

  1. Dr. Marc Brackett shares how childhood abuse and bullying—and an uncle who asked “How are you feeling?”—led him to build evidence-based emotional intelligence frameworks centered on permission to feel.
  2. The conversation reframes emotions as neutral data that drive attention, decision-making, relationships, mental health, and performance, challenging the “positive vs. negative” emotion binary.
  3. They argue emotion regulation is 100% learned, note most people received little to no education in it (about 10% at home and 6–7% at school), and emphasize skill-building over quick fixes.
  4. Kennedy and Brackett contrast two unhelpful extremes in parenting (dismissal vs. feelings dictating reality) and propose a middle path: validate emotions while reinforcing capability and problem-solving.
  5. They address a current controversy that “self-awareness is self-indulgent,” clarifying that healthy emotional check-ins are brief and functional, and offer actionable practices like self-compassion, values-based “best self” cues, and an other-oriented mindset.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Emotion regulation isn’t hardwired; it’s learned.

Brackett emphasizes there’s no dedicated brain area for “emotion regulation,” and his pandemic-era research suggests most people were never taught these skills—making explicit teaching and practice essential for parents and schools.

Stop trying to eliminate uncomfortable emotions; use them to meet goals.

The goal of regulation is not “bringing feelings to zero,” but using emotional information wisely (e.g., frustration signals unmet needs; anxiety can motivate preparation).

Permission to feel is often the first—and most overlooked—strategy.

Welcoming an emotion (“Hi, anxiety”) reduces the fight-or-flight spiral and opens the door to choosing a helpful next step, rather than suppressing or exploding.

The parenting sweet spot is: feelings matter, and capability remains intact.

They contrast dismissal (“suck it up”) with overaccommodation (“no school today”), and advocate brief curiosity + problem-solving while holding “I believe you, and I believe in you.”

Behavior is a clue, not the full story.

Statements like “I hate you” may mask shame, fear, or social pain; responding to the surface behavior alone can isolate kids and prevent effective support.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

I'll be frank, I just feel like my emotional life was kind of robbed from me as a kid.

Dr. Marc Brackett

And it just, everything changed because he asked me the simple question that guides my work, which is, "How are you feeling?"

Dr. Marc Brackett

There is no area of your brain called emotion regulation. It is 100% learned. 100% learned.

Dr. Marc Brackett

The goal of emotion regulation is not to control your feelings, it's to learn how to use all of your emotions wisely to achieve a goal.

Dr. Marc Brackett

People misunderstand behavior for emotion.

Dr. Marc Brackett

Origins of Brackett’s work (trauma, Uncle Marvin, “permission to feel”)Emotion regulation as a learned skill (not innate)Emotions as data vs. “good/bad” emotionsFive reasons emotions matter (attention, decisions, relationships, mental health, performance)Parenting extremes vs. the “middle path” (validate + capability)Misreading behavior as emotion; co-regulation and curiosityRole modeling and dads’ emotional involvementValues-based “best self” visualization; patience and “doing nothing”

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