How Do I Handle Being Rejected by My Child?

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   Intro

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      [keyboard typing]

2. 0:00 – 1:02

   Good Inside Membership: expert-guided tools and community for parenting questions

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      Why is it so hard to find reliable answers to parenting questions? How is it in 2022, parents still search on Google for answers from strangers? [keyboard typing] Well, now there's a better way. [gentle music] Introducing the Good Inside Membership, an expert-guided, community-powered platform redefining modern parenting. In our library, you'll find hundreds of bite-sized videos, articles, scripts, and workshops tackling the trickiest parenting topics. And it doesn't stop here. We've created a private community guided by me, Dr. Becky, and coaches trained in the Good Inside parenting method. Here, you can ask questions, connect with other parents, or attend a live event on a topic that matters to you. This is the parenting handbook that doesn't exist. This is parenting advice at your fingertips, where you need it, when you need it the most. This is Good Inside Membership. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky,

3. 1:02 – 2:47

   Framing the episode: parental preference and the pain of being the rejected parent

   1. BEDr. Becky1:02

      and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle, and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. [upbeat music] Today we'll be talking about parental preference, those moments when your kids say things like, "No, only mommy can pour me orange juice," or, "No, I only love daddy. He's the only one who can take me to soccer." These moments feel pretty awful for everyone, and if you get into a prolonged stage of being the preferred or non-preferred parent, it can feel exhausting to everyone. It's really hard to always be the parent requested. It's also really hard to be the parent who's constantly rejected. So today we'll hear from three different parents, and we'll jump into a ton of ideas and strategies to manage these tricky dynamics in your home. [gentle music] Our first caller is Jennifer with a question about her daughter.

4. 2:47 – 4:24

   Caller 1 (Jennifer): Dad’s long work hours and a 3-year-old’s aggression and rejection

   1. U1Unnamed Parent 12:47

      Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Jennifer, and I live in Phoenix, Arizona. My daughter Emerson, we call her Emmy for short, she will be three years old on March 3rd, so, um, in just a few weeks. And there's a really tricky situation in my household going on and has been for quite a while. My husband is a physician who works quite long hours, and pretty consistently throughout her entire life has missed a lot, um, and has been gone quite a bit. Often he won't see her for days on end, um, because of his, his call schedule, and lately, I'd say over the past few months, it's sort of gotten a little bit worse in terms of her behavior towards him. Um, she has always very much favored me, and lately when he comes home from work or the, the, the small windows that he does see her, she will be very, um, mean to him, and he will try to spend time with her, engage with her, read her books, um, do bedtime, and she will kick and hit him. She will say no. She wants him to leave. Um, I'm just not really sure how to handle it because I'm not sure where it's coming from. Is she angry at him for not being around? Um, is she just obviously not close with him because he's gone so much? That's, that's kind of the main, uh, struggle that we have right now. Thank you so much, Dr. Becky.

5. 4:24 – 6:56

   Absence, guilt, and kids’ real need: naming feelings so they’re not alone

   1. BEDr. Becky4:24

      Hi, Jennifer. Before we jump into some ideas and strategies, let me just say it sounds like you're doing so much. Seems like you're alone with the vast majority of parenting, and I have no doubt that your husband's work schedule is grueling. I also know that it's really grueling to be alone with your child all the time. So I just wanted to acknowledge that, let you know that if it feels hard to be the solo parent, it is hard to be a solo parent. So you're feeling that right. I also want to say I really appreciate you calling in with this tricky dynamic. You're definitely not alone in having these types of difficult moments in your house. I hear so much about parents' pain around parental preference, around being the preferred parent, the non-preferred parent, what it does to the marital dynamics. It's so complicated, so I'm so glad to kind of jump in with some ideas. So a couple thoughts. First, our kids of course pick up on who's there and who's not there. Now, the only thing is that we often do something with that information that's very different from what our kids do. We think, "Oh, I'm not there." Maybe your partner thinks, "I'm not there. I'm such a bad father." We go into a place of guilt. But for our kids, it's often not just who's there and who's not there, but really, is somebody talking to me honestly about who's here and who's not there and what feelings I would have about that? We assign meaning. "Oh, I'm a bad father. I'm missing so many moments with my daughter." This is actually usually not what happens for our kids. What happens for our kids is, "I wish someone would just explain to me my parent's work schedule. I wish there was a way to understand when dad's here and when dad's not here. I wish my dad would give me an opportunity to express to him that I miss him, for him to be able to hear that from me and take that in." As with so many other dynamics with our kids, it's not the feelings they have, it's the aloneness in the feelings that really gives them pain, and then that pain is acted out and appears with angry words or angry behaviors. So let's take that framework and turn it into a bunch of strategies that you can use in your home. First of all, this

6. 6:56 – 10:28

   Strategies for a frequently-away parent: self-talk, honest scripts, and predictable schedules

   1. BEDr. Becky6:56

      one might be more for your partner, so I hope he's listening to this as well, or you can play this section for him. I would want to be working on kind of the following self-talk. I'd wanna say to myself, "Yes, I work a lot. Yes, I do miss a bunch of things, and yes, I am a good father who wants to connect with my child." We don't wanna collapse all that into, "I work a lot, I'm a bad parent. If I was a good parent, I'd make the time to be home." When we collapse that, we actually get so overwhelmed with our own guilt that we can't even see what our child needs from us. So maybe said another way, two things are true. My daughter has understandable feelings about my unavailability, and I'm a good father who loves my daughter. I'm going to say that again because it's really important. My child has understandable feelings about my unavailability, and I'm a good parent who loves my child. This really to me speaks to us needing to ground ourself in our goodness before we approach our kids. So this is a way we make sure we're not kind of just acting out our own guilt or our own feelings on our kids. And after we can ground ourselves in this way, we can talk more openly to a child, and definitely even a three-year-old. Our kids at all ages pick up on the patterns of the coming and going of their caregivers. I would encourage your partner to, in a calm moment, say to your child something simple like, "Daddy works a lot, huh?" Or, "I bet there's times you wish I was here when I'm at work." Or if it was me, I'd probably add, "Ugh, isn't it annoying that I'm at work a lot?" We're not putting these ideas in your kid's head. Our kids tell us how they're feeling, often through their behavior. And if we look at behavior as a window into a child's internal experience, she's saying, "I'm mad." Under anger for kids, and often for adults too, is hurt, and we really need to speak to this so we can reconnect about what's happening for your child, and that connection is what can lead to changes in a relationship. Now, to be clear, when I say to my kids, if it was me, "I work a lot, huh? Sometimes I bet you wish I was here when I wasn't, when I'm at work," I don't expect my child to look at me and say, "Oh, Mom, that feels so heartwarming. Thank you for understanding me." No. My child's gonna look at me and say, "Can we keep building blocks?" That doesn't mean they don't get it. It means it's sinking in. It's a lot to process. We don't bring things up to get quick solutions. We bring things up to let our kids know we're able to name and label and to show that we understand their internal experience. Now, I have a couple more concrete ideas. Make a work schedule that's visible to your child. I love red, yellow, and green color-coding for young kids around parents' work schedules, where red is not at all available, right? It's kind of like a stop sign. Yellow is a maybe, and green is, is go time. Green is a yes, I know my dad will be there. And it might be in a given week the only green time is Wednesday morning because your partner's not on call then and knows

7. 10:28 – 12:06

   Connection across distance: transitional objects and teamwork between partners

   1. BEDr. Becky10:28

      he can have breakfast with Emmy. But that's a way Emmy can orient her life and feel more in control. And then yellow is Thursday night. We don't know if daddy's gonna be home or not. It's a maybe. And yellow times are probably hard because you get expectations up, and then maybe you're disappointed, but now you have a language around it to understand. I also would say that Emmy and her dad could really benefit a lot from some type of transitional object, something that exists between them when he's not there. So maybe when he's at work, he writes a note and leaves it in the kitchen for her to see, even though he's gone in the morning and is back at, let's say, the hospital, and it's her name with a bunch of hearts. Maybe they create something together on a weekend that he takes with him to his work, and she has half of it with her at home. So there's all these ways where we're building connection even when the connection isn't physically in front of us. Those are just a collection of ideas to start. And the other part I would say that's critical is for you and your husband to just talk about how hard this is. It's hard on you to witness. It's hard on him to get this rejection and to let him know that you're kind of in this with him to work as a family on different ways to try to make this feel a little better for everybody. [gentle music] Our second caller is Sara.

8. 12:06 – 14:20

   Caller 2 (Sarah): daily “I only love Dad” comments and the sting of maternal rejection

   1. U2Unnamed Parent 212:06

      Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Sarah, and I live in Ontario, Canada. I have a two-year-old daughter, and this is the tricky situation that we have been struggling with for a while now. Um, since the pandemic, my husband has been working from home, as have I, and I've noticed that my daughter has rightfully so become quite close to my husband. Um, uh, and that's totally fine. It's, it's been very nice in some ways. It's given me a little bit of a break to do my own things as well. However, I've noticed that in the last few months, she-- since she's become more vocal and she speaks, she speaks her mind quite a bit, she started to say things like, "I only love Dad. I only love-- I only love Dad. I only like Dad. I don't like you, Mama. I don't love you, Mama." And she'll tell me to go away, or she'll tell me that she doesn't wanna play with me. And she'll say things like that that are truthfully kind of mean. [chuckles] And, you know, we've, we've tried a bunch of strategies that we found through your page. Um, however, nothing has really worked. Um, she'll say this. It used to be once every few weeks, and it'll be like a one-off, but it's become a daily occurrence. Um, and I don't really know how to handle it, and I won't lie when I say it hurts my feelings. It does hurt my feelings. Um, so we don't really know what to do beyond what we've already tried in terms of, you know, validating her, telling her that no matter what, I'm still gonna love her. My husband has also tried to say, you know, "We love Mama a lot," and et cetera, and try to sort of... I don't know. I've-- We've tried things, and it's not working. So if you have any suggestions on how we can help her to realize that, you know, the words that she's saying to me specifically, um, are hurtful or like, you know... I don't wanna blame her or anything like that, so we just don't know how to handle it. So, um, thank you. That is my situation, and, um, hopefully you have some insight on it.

9. 14:20 – 17:53

   Reframe: “mean words” can signal security + toddlers experiment with power and language

   1. BEDr. Becky14:20

      Hi, Sarah. Thank you for sharing what I know is a really painful experience, and I know this in part because of my own experience as the rejected parent. And I know for me there seems to be something especially painful about being a mother who's rejected. Like, I would go on Instagram, or I would talk to friends, and they'd say, "Oh, my child always wants me. They always want me, and they're always rejecting my husband." And there'd be times I'd be thinking, "Ooh, sometimes at my house it's the other way around," and there seems to be something embarrassing about that or shameful about that. And I, I think I hear some of that in your voice, so I just wanna let you know I myself have been there, and I know so many other moms who have been there as well. And before I go further, let me assure you there's nothing wrong with you. You're not failing, and your child's words are definitely not a barometer for your parenting, for your worth, for anything about you. A couple ideas and then, of course, some strategies that you'll be able to use. Kids only express displeasure for a parent they feel secure with. Our kids are so locked into their environment. They are so attuned to what they need to do to stay safe, and they're so attuned to what would be threatening and dangerous. And what that means is they know that if they say something and their parent is going to react with big anger, with something scary, with something that feels like massive emotional abandonment, they would never say it. So this is almost a backward way into saying your child saying to you, "I only love Dad. I don't like you, Mama," is something that when I hear it, I think, "Wow, this is a child who feels pretty secure with a parent. This child does not fear retribution from her mom." This is a sign that there's a lot of security. I know that feels paradoxical, but I'd like you to almost say to yourself right now, "My child feels safe with me. It's not enjoyable when she says these things, definitely not, but my child feels safe with me, and I've done a lot to kind of co-create that with her." Second, when our kids use these kind of powerful phrases, "I only love my dad. I don't even like you," we need to zoom out from the exact content of their words. Kids experiment as they get older, and toddlers, just like teenagers, they kind of like to experiment with their power. "How powerful am I? How autonomous am I? What would happen if..." Fill in the blank. And one of the things toddlers experiment with is language because they're just coming into their sense of words and their ability to express ideas with words to other people. It's very new. So I want us to zoom out from, "I only love Dad," to something larger, which is, "My child is playing around with the impact words have on other people." This doesn't mean anything is wrong with your daughter. I think some people say, "Oh, my, my child's a sociopath. Who would say something like this?" Your child is not a sociopath. Your child

10. 17:53 – 20:25

    Stop being the “wall”: step aside so the experiment ends sooner

    1. BEDr. Becky17:53

       is exploring a newfound ability. Now, what I think about when my kids are experimenting with something is I can either act as kind of a wall that blocks this road of experimentation, or I can step to the side, which always leads experimentation to end a little bit sooner. Because when I act as that wall to block it, my child bounces off me. It's almost like my child's saying, "Hey, I was just playing around with something. Now I'm gonna have to keep doing it and doing it and doing it with more power and more effort in an effort to knock you down." Versus when I step to the side, and I'll explain what that would actually sound like or look like, my child can experiment in a way that's normal and natural for kids, but they're going to reach the end of that road more quickly because I'm not blocking it. To me, blocking the wall was saying back, "You can't say that," or, "That is a very mean thing to say," or, "It makes me so upset." Now this idea of my child is powerful has even more power. My child needs to do it in a more virulent way. Versus, now get into this image with me. Imagine yourself on this road. This road is your child's experimentation, and you step to the side of the road where you can definitely see the road, but you're not on it and you're not blocking it. Now your child says, "I don't love you." I can imagine myself almost moving my body away and looking at those words pass me by. What would I say? I might say nothing. I might say, "Oh," and just pause. I might say, "You're really thinking about daddy right now." I might say, "You're really thinking about how much fun you have with dad. I hear you." I might say, "No matter what, I'll always love you." "No, you don't understand, Mom, I don't love you. I'll never love you." Again, I step to the side, take a deep breath. My child's words are not a barometer of my worth or my parenting, and I say back to her, "I hear you. I really do. I hear you." I'm not giving my child the response that would actually increase her desire to try to overpower me again. I'm seeing it, but I'm not reacting to it. Now, one more idea here, Sarah, is I just wanna emphasize that all of this guidance is much easier

11. 20:25 – 21:47

    Practice outside the moment: rehearse regulation and non-reactivity to build new circuitry

    1. BEDr. Becky20:25

       said than done. You do have real feelings that come up. So what I would encourage you to do now is actually imagine your child saying this to you. Bring up that feeling for you. Imagine a situation, picture your daughter, picture the outfit she usually uses, picture the face she would have when she says this to you. Almost generate a little bit of those hurt feelings inside your own body in that kind of imagined situation so you can practice some of these responses. First, calming your own body. I'm a good parent. My child feels safe with me. I'm a good parent. My child feels safe with me. And then actually imagine those words coming from your child, the, "I only love dad. I don't like you." Imagine them traveling from her body toward you, and moving your body a little to the side. Watch the words. Watch the words pass by. I would actually encourage you to practice this three different times a day. You're giving your body practice to building new circuitry so when the moment actually comes, you have already developed the skill you wanna use. [gentle music] Let's listen to our final caller, Luke.

12. 21:47 – 22:30

    Caller 3 (Luke): an involved dad shut out of routines like bath time

    1. U3Unnamed Parent 321:47

       Hi, Dr. Becky. My name's Luke. I live in Vermont. My kids are four and seven, and, um, this particular situation with my four-year-old who is at the stage where he, he doesn't want me to do anything, uh, for him. Like, for example, uh, uh, bath time, he literally will not let me start the water to the bath. He only wants mommy to do it. And, uh, it's, you know, it's tough. It's annoying because I'm a pretty involved father, and I, I get we need to do things together, but in that moment, I, I just don't know what to do. So do you have any advice? Uh, how do I handle him not wanting me to parent him when I have to? Thanks so much.

13. 22:30 – 26:32

    In-the-moment toolkit: parent mantra, child validation, and playful humor to reconnect

    1. BEDr. Becky22:30

       Hi, Luke. I totally feel for you in this situation. I am now imagining the times that my kids have yelled at me during the bath time to get out of this room, and it feels like it's just echoing and reverberating, and it's not like I wanna give a bath, and I'm here to do it, and I'm getting rejection. So I completely understand how awful this feels. I wanna walk through a couple ideas of how to manage, as you said, those in-the-moment difficult scenarios. So I wanna go over three things: a mantra, validation, and humor. I wanna start with a mantra. We have to ground ourselves first before we think of strategies to use with our kids. Why? When our kid rejects us, "No, not you. Only mommy can give me a bath," our body reacts. We won't have access to all the amazing parenting strategies we've been learning or reading about until we get our own body out of threat state, out of fight or flight mode, when the frontal parts of our brain are totally offline, and that's where all of those great ideas live. So first, deep breaths and saying something grounding to ourselves. I, in those moments, try to put my hand on my heart and I say this: "This feels bad, and I can get through it. I know I'm a good parent. This feels bad, and I can get through it. I know I'm a good parent." We have to validate the feeling in our body and remind ourselves of our coping abilities. That's why that mantra speaks to both parts. Yes, this feels bad, and yes, I can cope. That's really, really helpful in calming our bodies, and then we can access one of the two strategies I'm going to describe. Validation in some ways is the easiest thing to do in that moment. It's saying to your child, "You wish it was mommy giving your bath tonight? I hear you." Or I've been known to say to my kids, "Daddy does give really fun baths. I know he does the whole bubble thing and the silly boat thing and, ugh, he does such great baths. You wish it was him." I am not taking it personally. I'm not taking this as an affront to my personhood or my parenthood. I'm kind of joining my child and understanding, yeah, you wish it was daddy. I think sometimes in these moments it feels like our child is saying, "You're the worst human being. I don't like you for anything. You're horrible." And then we react as if that's true. If we take the only mommy can give me a bath and translate it to your child saying, "I wish it was mommy giving me a bath tonight," we're a little more able, again, to ground ourselves and respond with validation. One more idea, and this is actually my favorite thing to do when I'm rejected by my kids, and it's humor. It's accessing humor and playfulness and actually, get this, expanding the role of rejected parent, which is a complete 180 from what our kids usually expect, which is to push back or tell our kids this is hurtful. Expanding the role would look like this: "It's true, I don't even know where the bath is. Is this the bath?" And then point to the toilet. Maybe even pick your child up and pretend as if you're going to put your child in the bath, which is actually the toilet. "Oh, I think this is the bath. This is the bath, right? And then I flush it, and then you get all clean and all the pee water and the poop water. That's a bath, right?" I don't know a child who wouldn't start laughing. Laughter is key to

14. 26:32 – 31:30

    Agree on a couple protocol + closing takeaways on preference, honesty, and coping

    1. BEDr. Becky26:32

       reconnecting. We're taking a moment where you feel very far apart from your child, and because you're not taking it personally, because you've grounded yourself, now you're able to expand this role. You're able to add silliness and playfulness. Now this moment is actually a connection moment with your child, is actually really, really fun. The last part of making all of these different things successful is to talk to your partner in advance and agree on a protocol for these rejection moments. A parent who's in that moment in the preferred parent role has to agree to stay out of the experience between you and your child. If that parent swoops in unexpectedly, "Okay, mommy will do your bath tonight," we've really kind of set ourselves back because what we do is we say to our child, "All of us are really afraid of your rejection. All of us, we really don't feel capable of dealing with this." It really disempowers you from that ability to ground yourself and show up with validation or humor. So have this type of conversation with your partner. "Hey, I know sometimes you hear our child rejecting me in bath. I actually feel like I have some strategies now. I feel like I know what I can do, and I actually think key to my success is your trusting me to figure it out. So unless I scream for you, please let us work it out ourselves." [instrumental music] Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. One, stages of parental preference are normal. There's nothing wrong with the in-favor parent or the out-of-favor parent or the child who's in that preferential stage. In fact, children only express displeasure toward parents they feel safe with, where they don't fear retribution. Keep this in mind to ground yourself in your goodness as a parent, remembering that your kid's rejection isn't a barometer of your parenting. Two, talk honestly with your kids. If you're currently in the non-preferred parent role, think about what might be going on for your child, not in terms of, "Oh, I guess that means I'm a bad parent," but maybe in terms of, "Oh, I have been working a lot," or, "I know I'm on my phone often for work. My child might feel annoyed about that," or, "I haven't really had one-on-one time with my child in a while." Now, watch for the potential for those thoughts to evoke guilt, which can shut us down. Instead, use these thoughts to talk honestly to your child. Acknowledge these dynamics. This can be the start to powerful reconnection. Three, in the moment of rejection, ground yourself with a mantra and then try to find your playfulness, even expand the role of rejected parent. This often brings laughter, which reconnects and changes the direction of the interaction with your child. [instrumental music] Being a parent is stressful, especially when you're in a stage of being the rejected or always preferred parent. Here's the truth of it: we can't change the things our kids say or do. We can work on our own coping skills and our ability to manage through tough situations so we can show up in a way that feels better to us and to our kids. My Managing Stress and Anxiety workshop gives you so many actionable strategies to cope with the stresses of being a parent. Check out that workshop and many others at learning.goodinside.com. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. Let's stay connected. At goodinside.com, you can sign up for my workshops and subscribe to my free newsletter. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram, drbecky@goodinside. Good Inside is produced by Beth Rowe and Brad Gage and executive produced by Erika Belsky and me, Dr. Becky. Please rate and review our show. Let us know what you think and what resonated. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. [instrumental music]

Episode duration: 31:41