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How to End Power Struggles

You ask your child to put on their shoes or brush their teeth, and you’re met with a flat-out “No!” If you’re like most parents, you’re familiar with the power struggle that follows: You insist, your kid resists or ignores you, you get frustrated, they get frustrated, and nobody wins. The good news? There’s another way. This week, Dr. Becky answers questions from three different parents about tricky moments of refusal with their kids. As always, she zooms out to consider the big picture: Why do our kids say “no” in the first place? Then, she offers actionable scripts and strategies to connect to your child’s experience, while embodying your authority as a parent. You’ll leave this episode with a game-changing framework for resistance and a ton of tools to increase cooperation in your home. Join Good Inside Membership: http://www.goodinside.com Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Want More? Check these out: Why Won't My Kids Listen To Anything I Say?" - https://youtu.be/Rb7FSL1y3Oo Stop Calling Your Kid "Defiant" - https://youtu.be/DJXEYwgwNwY Deep Dive: Myleik Teele on What No One Tells You About Parenthood - https://youtu.be/PhSpSVnsYhY Deeply Feeling Kids Need a Different Approach - https://youtu.be/WQNM5EyDtKE Motherhood Doesn’t Have to Be Martyrdom - https://youtu.be/ywJMtRHzqFY

Dr. BeckyhostUnnamed Parent 1guest
May 10, 202229mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

End toddler power struggles by validating ‘no’ and building cooperation.

  1. Frequent “no” and refusal in toddlers/preschoolers often reflect healthy identity formation and a need for separation and control, not defiance.
  2. In-the-moment de-escalation focuses on stopping parental reactivity (pause/count), naming the child’s underlying need or wish, and adding play to invite cooperation.
  3. Outside-the-moment strategies (role-reversal games, storytelling, connection-building) lower overall resistance so hot moments like getting dressed or toothbrushing are less combustible.
  4. Parents can validate a child’s bodily autonomy (“I believe you”) while still holding firm boundaries for safety (car seats, medical care) by clearly stating the parent’s job and the reason.
  5. Reframing the key question—from “How do I make them comply?” to “What is the resistance a sign of, and how do I reduce it proactively?”—creates more sustainable cooperation.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Treat “no” as a developmental signal, not a character flaw.

Dr. Becky frames refusal as toddlers practicing separateness and control; seeing it this way reduces escalation and helps parents respond strategically instead of punitively.

Your pause is an intervention: count to 10 before you respond.

A brief delay interrupts the common cycle where adult pressure increases child resistance; the space sometimes lets the child re-engage without a battle.

Name what the “no” is trying to accomplish for the child.

Scripts like “You really are your own person” or “You like being in control of your decisions” help kids feel seen, which often increases cooperation.

Look for (and say) the wish under the refusal.

Phrases such as “You wish you had more time with me” or “You wish you didn’t have to change out of pajamas” clarify feelings and reduce the need to resist to be understood.

Use validation that doesn’t require solving or understanding first.

“There’s something about this that doesn’t feel good to you. I believe you.” works even when the parent can’t decipher the cause, and it communicates trust in the child’s experience.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

I really believe that no allows us kind of self-definition, right?

— Dr. Becky

So instead of reacting, pause, count to 10.

— Dr. Becky

See the wish under the no. There's always a wish under a no.

— Dr. Becky

There's something about putting on a shirt right now that doesn't feel good to you, huh? I believe you.

— Dr. Becky

I think when we don't have a good answer to our question, we're asking the wrong question.

— Dr. Becky

Toddler/preschool “no” as identity developmentReducing parental reactivity (pause, count to 10)Naming the need/wish under the refusalPlayful cooperation and child-led problem-solvingProactive connection to prevent power strugglesValidation before understanding (“I believe you”)Consent vs safety boundaries (car seat, doctor)

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