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Good Inside with Dr. BeckyGood Inside with Dr. Becky

How to End Power Struggles

You ask your child to put on their shoes or brush their teeth, and you’re met with a flat-out “No!”

Dr. BeckyhostUnnamed Parent 1guest
May 9, 202229mWatch on YouTube ↗

Summaries, chapters, transcripts, and FAQs on this page are made by uListen, not YouTube.

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

End toddler power struggles by validating ‘no’ and building cooperation.

  1. Frequent “no” and refusal in toddlers/preschoolers often reflect healthy identity formation and a need for separation and control, not defiance.
  2. In-the-moment de-escalation focuses on stopping parental reactivity (pause/count), naming the child’s underlying need or wish, and adding play to invite cooperation.
  3. Outside-the-moment strategies (role-reversal games, storytelling, connection-building) lower overall resistance so hot moments like getting dressed or toothbrushing are less combustible.
  4. Parents can validate a child’s bodily autonomy (“I believe you”) while still holding firm boundaries for safety (car seats, medical care) by clearly stating the parent’s job and the reason.
  5. Reframing the key question—from “How do I make them comply?” to “What is the resistance a sign of, and how do I reduce it proactively?”—creates more sustainable cooperation.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Treat “no” as a developmental signal, not a character flaw.

Dr. Becky frames refusal as toddlers practicing separateness and control; seeing it this way reduces escalation and helps parents respond strategically instead of punitively.

Your pause is an intervention: count to 10 before you respond.

A brief delay interrupts the common cycle where adult pressure increases child resistance; the space sometimes lets the child re-engage without a battle.

Name what the “no” is trying to accomplish for the child.

Scripts like “You really are your own person” or “You like being in control of your decisions” help kids feel seen, which often increases cooperation.

Look for (and say) the wish under the refusal.

Phrases such as “You wish you had more time with me” or “You wish you didn’t have to change out of pajamas” clarify feelings and reduce the need to resist to be understood.

Use validation that doesn’t require solving or understanding first.

“There’s something about this that doesn’t feel good to you. I believe you.” works even when the parent can’t decipher the cause, and it communicates trust in the child’s experience.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

I really believe that no allows us kind of self-definition, right?

— Dr. Becky

So instead of reacting, pause, count to 10.

— Dr. Becky

See the wish under the no. There's always a wish under a no.

— Dr. Becky

There's something about putting on a shirt right now that doesn't feel good to you, huh? I believe you.

— Dr. Becky

I think when we don't have a good answer to our question, we're asking the wrong question.

— Dr. Becky

Toddler/preschool “no” as identity developmentReducing parental reactivity (pause, count to 10)Naming the need/wish under the refusalPlayful cooperation and child-led problem-solvingProactive connection to prevent power strugglesValidation before understanding (“I believe you”)Consent vs safety boundaries (car seat, doctor)

SPEAKERS

  • Dr. Becky

    host

    Clinical psychologist and founder/host of Good Inside, providing parenting guidance and coaching.

  • Unnamed Parent 1

    guest

    Parent caller seeking advice about power struggles with a young child.

High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.

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