Good Inside with Dr. BeckyHow to Help Your Child Through Anxiety
At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Believe anxiety, set expectations, and build resilience through connection daily
- Dr. Becky distinguishes believing a child’s anxiety from letting anxiety determine decisions like missing school.
- She emphasizes a two-part message—“I believe you” (validate feelings) and “I believe in you” (communicate capability despite discomfort).
- She models scripts for morning school refusal that acknowledge resistance while keeping the plan and timeline intact.
- Using a “garden of benches” metaphor, she frames resilience as tolerating a wide range of emotions, not staying only in “comfortable” feelings.
- For disruptive behaviors like screaming, she suggests channeling the impulse proactively (e.g., scheduled screaming at home) to reduce power struggles and increase cooperation.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasValidate feelings without outsourcing decisions to feelings.
Believing your child’s anxiety is essential, but it doesn’t automatically mean they should skip responsibilities like school; two truths can coexist: they feel anxious and they can still go.
Pair empathy with confidence in your child’s capability.
“I believe you” communicates attunement, while “I believe in you” communicates strength and expectation—helping kids learn they can do hard things while uncomfortable.
Seen first, then cooperative.
Instead of trying to convince a child to want school, start by naming their experience (“Some days I don’t want to go out either”), which lowers defensiveness and increases follow-through.
Use clear, calm boundaries and a concrete next step.
A firm script (“School’s going to happen… we’re leaving in five minutes”) reduces negotiation and communicates safety through structure, while still sounding warm and connected.
Resilience is comfort with many “benches,” not just the sunny one.
When children must avoid hard feelings, their world narrows; resilience grows when they learn they can sit with anxiety, frustration, or disappointment and still function.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesI think we mistake believing our kids' anxiety, which I think we always should, with letting our kids' feelings dictate certain decisions.
— Dr. Becky
I believe you. You're feeling really anxious today. But the second part too often is missing. I believe in you, meaning and I know even if you're really nervous in the morning, you are a kid who can get through school nervous.
— Dr. Becky
Kids need to feel seen before they cooperate.
— Dr. Becky
Resilience is not our ability to always remain on a sunny bench. That's actually a life of anxiety and fragility because there's only a sliver of the garden we feel comfortable living in.
— Dr. Becky
The best way you can build connection, confidence, resilience all at once, it's so efficient, is to sit on the bench next to your child instead of yanking them from the bench.
— Dr. Becky
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