How to Help Your Child Through Anxiety

1. 0:00 – 0:29

   Dr. Becky takes parenting questions to NYC streets

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      Who wants free parenting advice? [upbeat music] I'm Dr. Becky. I spend most of my time online answering parents' questions, but today, I'm in New York City, the Big Apple, and I'm on parents' turf to answer their questions about parenting, life, and just holding it all together.

   2. VPVarious NYC parents0:17

      How do I just hold my patience and, like, not lose it?

   3. BEDr. Becky0:20

      If it was me, I would literally be like, "Ah. Ah."

   4. VPVarious NYC parents0:23

      He looks at me, he looks back, he smiles. I'm like, "You know, you do know that" [gentle music]

2. 0:29 – 0:40

   A parent’s concern: high schooler with unexpected anxiety

   1. VPVarious NYC parents0:29

      My second-born struggles more with anxiety, and lately, as a freshman in high school, kind of nervous getting through class. He loves school, though. He's got lots of friends. He's on the popular side and all of that, but just gets unexpected anxiety.

3. 0:40 – 1:10

   Hot take on anxiety: believe the feeling without letting it run the plan

   1. BEDr. Becky0:40

      So I have a couple hot takes about anxiety. This is one of my favorite topics. So first of all, I, I think we mistake believing our kids' anxiety, which I think we always should, with letting our kids' feelings dictate certain decisions. Too many times we think, "But if I believe it, I guess he has to miss school." What? I believe myself that I don't wanna get out of bed most mornings, but I do, 'cause I have responsibilities, right? So we have to see those two things are true. I believe you. You're feeling really anxious today. But the second part too

4. 1:10 – 1:33

   ‘I believe you’ + ‘I believe in you’: capability as the antidote to avoidance

   1. BEDr. Becky1:10

      often is missing. I believe in you, meaning and I know even if you're really nervous in the morning, you are a kid who can get through school nervous. As a parent, you have to see your kid as capable, which doesn't mean you throw them to the wolves. It's about feeling anxious and still learning to do hard things.

   2. VPVarious NYC parents1:31

      I love that. Thank you so much.

5. 1:33 – 1:44

   Morning resistance: respond with empathy before persuasion

   1. VPVarious NYC parents1:33

      Um, so the question is, like this morning, my son was like, "I don't feel like waking up. I don't wanna go to school." What do you do in that case? How do you, like, encourage them? I don't wanna pay him, you know?

   2. BEDr. Becky1:42

      [laughs] Definitely don't need to get money involved.

   3. VPVarious NYC parents1:44

      Yeah.

6. 1:44 – 2:35

   A clear script: hold the boundary while staying connected

   1. BEDr. Becky1:44

      No, I do not recommend. Okay. When our kids say that, so often we think we have to get them off the resistance and encourage them to go to school. So he says, "Oh, I don't wanna go to school today." You could say back, "I get that. Some days I don't really wanna go out of the apartment either." That's it. It actually says, "I see you."

   2. VPVarious NYC parents2:03

      Mm-hmm.

   3. BEDr. Becky2:03

      And kids need to feel seen before they cooperate. So I don't need to convince my kid that he wants to go to school. I actually just need to name that I think he's capable of going to school even if he doesn't want to.

   4. VPVarious NYC parents2:13

      Mm-hmm.

   5. BEDr. Becky2:13

      So that would sound like this: "Look, sweetie, school's gonna happen today. It's actually one of your main jobs is going to school. I believe you that you don't wanna go, and I hate going to places when I don't wanna go either, and you're a kid who can do hard things. You're a kid who can get through a day even if it means you don't wanna start it. I believe in you, and we're going to be leaving the house in five minutes. I love you."

   6. VPVarious NYC parents2:34

      Hear it.

7. 2:35 – 3:05

   The bench metaphor: resilience is expanding the range of tolerated feelings

   1. BEDr. Becky2:35

      Okay. Sounds good. I want you to imagine your kid wandering around a garden, and in the garden are just a ton of different benches. And yes, this garden is kind of a metaphor for life and all the experiences they'll have. Resilience is not our ability to always remain on a sunny bench. That's actually a life of anxiety and fragility because there's only a sliver of the garden we feel comfortable living in. Resilience is our ability

8. 3:05 – 3:59

   ‘Sit next to your child on the bench’: co-regulation builds coping skills

   1. BEDr. Becky3:05

      to tolerate the widest range of experiences and emotions. So when it comes to the feelings bench, it's actually our ability to be able to sit on any bench and not, ooh, have to hop off of it like it's so toxic or problematic. The best way you can build connection, confidence, resilience all at once, it's so efficient, is to sit on the bench next to your child instead of yanking them from the bench. You're saying to them, "The feelings that feel overwhelming to you today don't feel overwhelming to me." As you act as a little bit of their bench warmer, the feeling feels less scary. The bench is less scary simply because they're not alone in it, and then you're wiring your kid to be able to cope with those feelings when they're older, and that's resilience.

9. 3:59 – 4:18

   Public screaming: treat it as annoying, not dangerous—and channel it

   1. VPVarious NYC parents3:59

      The main thing for me is the screaming. I try and do the, you know, kids are sleeping in the building, that kind of thing. But a lot of the time it's in a restaurant or somewhere where, you know, you just don't want all the screams.

   2. BEDr. Becky4:09

      So this is a more general thing, but my perspective on kind of annoying behaviors. It's just kind of an annoying behavior.

   3. VPVarious NYC parents4:15

      Yeah.

   4. BEDr. Becky4:15

      It doesn't sound really dangerous. It's just annoying.

   5. VPVarious NYC parents4:18

      Yes. Yeah.

10. 4:18 – 5:14

    The ‘bathroom scream’ strategy: make the behavior less enticing

    1. BEDr. Becky4:18

       A lot of times we'll say, "We're going to a restaurant. Don't scream. Don't scream." It's, it's fun and more effective to try the opposite. "We're going to a restaurant soon. Does anyone have any screams in their body? Any..." And then if, say, "I do," and now all of a sudden, instead of it being something that's bad, you're channeling a version of it-

    2. VPVarious NYC parents4:39

       Mm-hmm

    3. BEDr. Becky4:40

       ... that's actually less disruptive. So I'd go into the bathroom in your house-

    4. VPVarious NYC parents4:43

       Okay

    5. BEDr. Becky4:43

       ... and actually, "Do you ha- Okay, let's do it." And then if it was me, I would literally be like, "Ah. Ah." I would scream. And first of all, what's amazing about that is the screaming is going to become less enticing, in part because they're like, "My mom's doing it now," and, like, we just always make things a little less cool and fun.

    6. VPVarious NYC parents5:00

       [laughs]

    7. BEDr. Becky5:00

       Okay? And that's okay. Let them figure out something somewhere else. And then you're actually doing it with your kid there, and then you can say, "Do you have all the screams out of your body? Because look, we're gonna go to a restaurant, and we're gonna have to wait till we're back in this bathroom in our house for the next round of screaming."

    8. VPVarious NYC parents5:14

       Okay.

11. 5:14 – 6:09

    A closing parenting lesson from ducks: do less, be present more

    1. BEDr. Becky5:14

       So the message is actually, "I'm working with you instead of working against you." You know, I wanna know [laughs] how you can be so content doing so little, just waiting, literally waiting there. They don't seem like they feel like they need to be terribly productive, and in some ways, this is the ultimate parenting skill I'm working on. Doing less, moving less, saying less, just allowing myself to know that being present, which can feel under-stimulating and a little bit boring, is probably the thing my kid needs the most from me. So thank you, ducks. I will be taking this lesson and taking in this inspiration. Lesson in modern parenting, do less, be present more. [upbeat music]

Episode duration: 6:23