My Kids Are Out of Control, What Should I Do?

1. 0:00 – 0:00

   Intro

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      [keyboard clicking]

2. 0:00 – 1:32

   Good Inside Membership: expert-guided parenting support and community

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      Why is it so hard to find reliable answers to parenting questions? How is it in 2022 parents still search on Google for answers from strangers? [keyboard clicking] Well, now there's a better way. Introducing the Good Inside Membership, an expert-guided, community-powered platform redefining modern parenting. In our library, you'll find hundreds of bite-sized videos, articles, scripts, and workshops tackling the trickiest parenting topics, and it doesn't stop here. We've created a private community guided by me, Dr. Becky, and coaches trained in the Good Inside Parenting method. Here, you can ask questions, connect with other parents, or attend a live event on a topic that matters to you. This is the parenting handbook that doesn't exist. This is parenting advice at your fingertips, where you need it, when you need it the most. This is Good Inside Membership. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that

3. 1:32 – 2:42

   Episode framing: what “out-of-control moments” look like at home

   1. BEDr. Becky1:32

      moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. In this episode, we'll be talking about out-of-control moments. Let me start this episode by saying I am not any of the three callers, and yet every single thing they say has happened in my house with my own kids. Yes, my kids have yelled, "Shut up." They've said, "Get away from me" when they need me the most, and we have had plenty of experiences that have felt totally out of control for all of us while we are in really inconvenient locations. We've all been there. We're all in this together. So with that in mind, let's jump in. Our first caller is Danielle. [phone ringing]

4. 2:42 – 4:21

   Caller 1 (Danielle): 3-year-old tantrums and saying “shut up” at home

   1. SPSpeaker2:42

      Hi, Dr. Becky. I am dealing with a situation with my three-year-old son, Drew. He seems to just have a lot of tantrums, and when he does tantrum, you know, I've used a lot of your advice, but he tends to use bad words. So he's saying, "Shut up. Shut up, shut up." It's typically aimed at myself, my husband, um, or his siblings. None of this behavior is happening in school. He is in school Monday through Thursday, nine to 12, and he's gotten nothing but great reports back from his teachers. He's interacting well. He seems to socialize well and share well. However, you know, I'm finding this behavior is happening pretty frequently at home, and it seems to happen mostly when he's not getting his way. If he really wants something and his brother may have it, uh, at the moment, and he's gotta wait his turn to share, you know, he'll completely lose it and, um, get really frustrated and start using those words. Or if he's being really rough and I ask him to stop and I tell him, you know, "You can't be hitting anymore. I'm not gonna allow that to happen. I'm gonna remove you. We're gonna go sit over here," he, he tends to use those words. Um, but it's happening every day. So just wanted to hear your advice on how I can calm that behavior or what I can do to help him regulate. I know, you know, he's not regulated when he's having these moments, um, but I'm just not seeing any improvements with what I'm doing. So I'm hoping you can help. You, [laughs] you always seem to have the best wisdom and advice.

5. 4:21 – 5:21

   Reframe tantrums: behavior is communication of an out-of-control body

   1. BEDr. Becky4:21

      Hi, Danielle. Thank you so much for sharing this, and the first thing I want to say is you are not alone. When kids are dysregulated, they do all types of things. They kick. They scream. They say, "I hate you," and they can say bad words. So first step I would say is to see what Drew is doing from the lens of the pain and total chaos inside his body, right? I think a big idea that I always think about with tantrums is we act how we feel, right? And so if his actions and his words seem totally out of control, that means he's feeling totally out of control. So a couple things I would think about. Number one is Drew really needs you to differentiate between his behavior and his feelings, and we need to help him do this in the moment, and we

6. 5:21 – 7:22

   In-the-moment script: set a boundary and name the struggle

   1. BEDr. Becky5:21

      also need to build the language to help him do this outside of the moment. So let's start with in the moment. You say to him, "Oh, sorry, sweetie. Dessert time is over," right? I know in my house it's, you know, I've already given five cookies, and that's just the line, right? And the sixth cookie seems to set my child off, and that's where I'm holding my boundary, right? At this point, Drew might... He might get really upset at this moment. He might say, "Shut up. Shut up, shut up," right? First of all, for you, he's acting how he's feeling. Let me set a boundary but also see the struggle he's having. A boundary might sound like this: "Wow, those are big words," right? Is that a boundary? It actually is. I'm kind of labeling what's happening, and maybe I'd even add, "Wow, those are big words. I won't let you use words like that in this family." Now, a lot of us get caught up, "What do you mean I won't let them w- use words? They already are." We're still setting a boundary to differentiate between the behavior, which we're kind of saying isn't okay, and now I'm gonna help you kind of find words to speak to what's going on inside of Drew, where I would say, "I won't let you use those words," and ugh, it is so hard not to get the things we want. What am I doing there? I'm showing my child that I can differentiate between how he's struggling and how that struggle comes out in the behavior. In the moment, this is really all we do, and then we survive through it. I'd focus on using a regulation skill for yourself, right? 'Cause at the end of the day, through a tantrum, our child is absorbing how well we can or cannot be regulated ourselves. So I'd say for you, Danielle, to say to yourself, "I'm gonna get through this," or, "Nothing's wrong with my child. Nothing's wrong with me. I can cope with this." That's my personal favorite mantra. And then after you've survived this moment, to me, one of the things that's really powerful to think about in our children's repeated difficult behavior is, okay, what can I do in the moment, but really, what can I do outside of

7. 7:22 – 9:23

   Outside-the-moment practice: replace hurtful words with agreed “safe” words

   1. BEDr. Becky7:22

      the moment? So this is what I would start practicing with Drew. I'd find a moment when things were calm and connected and say to him something like this, "You know what's so hard? When we don't get something we want. Isn't that so hard? And here's a little secret. Some of us feel like saying bad words. It's so hard sometimes we feel like that. I think you feel like that. I feel like that sometimes. Ugh, it's so hard, and I get that because it feels so bad, but here's the thing. We're gonna practice finding a word that feels a little bad but still is along the lines of the values we have in this family, which is always speaking respectfully even when we're upset. So what word could that be? The next time I say no, what word could you say to me that seems a little out there but also is something me and you agree is kind of okay?" And then pause, Danielle. You don't have to come up with this. Kids are amazing problem solvers when we involve them instead of control them. So I would see what he came up with. If not, what would I do in my family? Truthfully, I'd probably say something like this if my child was struggling. I'd probably say, "How about we say the word ugly bugly dugly?" Oh my goodness, that would be so, so weird, wouldn't it? Ugly bugly dugly, and then I would model it. So maybe the next time my child says to me, "Ugh, Mom, I don't wanna clean my room yet," I'd say, "Ugly bugly dugly. Ugh, that felt so good to get something out of my body. Okay, let's figure this out." So much is happening here. We're turning a moment that feels really bad into a moment that feels silly and connected. We're planning in advance, and I'm giving my child the option to do something that fulfills some of his desire to get a big word and sound out, but shifting it to something a little more desirable or a little less kind of aggressive. Now, change takes time. So practice that. Model it yourself, and when the moment inevitably comes where he still says those words, tell him, going back to that survival strategy, "I won't let you use those words," and then

8. 9:23 – 11:07

   Play-based reset: creating a “shut up room” to discharge words safely

   1. BEDr. Becky9:23

      you can use the ugly bugly dugly words and survive the moment and continue to practice when things are calm. [instrumental music] All right, Danielle, I have one more thought, one more strategy that I think would be really helpful to keep in your back pocket. So one of the things that goes on for kids using bad words in general is they feel it's a way to assert themselves and feel independent and feel in control and feel like their own person, all things we want them to embody. We just don't want that to only come out with bad words. So here's a way to totally change the narrative. Find a room in your house, I often use a small bathroom, and that becomes the shut up room. And preempt the moment by early in the day before any of these tantrums have happened, say something like this to Drew, "Drew, you know what? I feel some words coming up in my body, even not a good word. I hear the word shut up. I do. I hear it. I'm gonna go into a room. That's gonna become the shut up room. Why don't you come with me?" Bring him in. He will be shocked, and say to him, "Okay, I'm gonna get them out of my body. Do you have any? Do you have any in there at all? Let's get them out together." And I'd say this in the room, "Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Mm, yep, I think I'm done. Oh, I think they're all out. All right, you finish getting them out of your body. Meet me in the kitchen. We'll have a snack." And walk out, play it cool, totally nonchalantly. What's going on here? You're taking something, and you're changing it. You're adding playfulness. You're adding connection. We want Drew to find other ways to feel independent, and it will become less desirable to use that word after you kind of start engaging in this playful way. [instrumental music] Let's listen to our next caller, Kelly.

   2. SPSpeaker11:06

      [phone ringing]

9. 11:07 – 12:32

   Caller 2 (Kelly): deeply feeling 7-year-old with intense screaming meltdowns

   1. SPSpeaker11:07

      Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Kelly. I have two children. My son is Tate. He's almost seven. My daughter is Lila. She's four and a half. My issue is with Tate. He is my deeply feeling child. I've done your workshop, um, learned a lot from you, but I still struggle because he still tends to have very, very, very big meltdowns. It's usually my fault, I feel like, because I haven't been clear or it's because he's very rigid with expectations, and so, for example, trying to change kind of our household rules about snacks, and so he was expecting to be able to have more snacks, and I said no because it was almost dinnertime, and he just lost it, and he loses it in a very big way. He will scream bloody murder, kick, you know, flail. He's not hurting anyone, but his screaming is very intense. So I usually try to stay calm. I'll take him to his room when he's yelling, you know, "Get out. I hate you. Leave me alone. Get out of my room." But then when I leave, he'll come back, that whole saga. So I try to stay calm and be present with him, but I feel like his screaming at me is not appropriate, and I'm wondering if I can tell him, you know, "You can be mad, but you can't scream at me like that," or if that's not helpful in the situation. Because this has been going on for a long time, and I feel like I've been using the right approach for a while, and it hasn't been getting better. So that's kind of my, my tricky spot with him.

10. 12:32 – 14:03

    Deeply feeling kids: intensity isn’t destiny, and regulation takes longer

    1. BEDr. Becky12:32

       Kelly, I really, really feel for you here. I, I am a mom of three, and I have a child just like this. So I think that's important to start with because I have been there for the screaming, for the nasty words, for the loud tone, and even, of course, for that self-doubt spiral of, am, am I, am I doing the right thing here? This keeps happening. So a couple things to go over and some strategies for you. So first, there are some kids who feel things more deeply, more intensely, and those feelings last longer than other kids. Kids are all different, and those kids take a lot longer to absorb emotion regulation skills, and it doesn't mean they don't get there, but it does mean that we can't use their current behavior as an indication of what they will be like down the road. I think it's one of the number one kind of parenting errors we all make, is we see something in our kid today, we have a fear that they'll be like that forever, and then we respond today based on that fear instead of responding to what our child needs from us in that moment. So what's going on in that moment for Tate? Tate feels totally, totally out of control. Tate actually is feeling some intense feeling in his body that terrifies him. It's as if he's being attacked by his own feeling, and he needs to get it out of his body, and that's why it looks so violent and

11. 14:03 – 15:33

    Containment strategy: move to a smaller room with you (not a punishment)

    1. BEDr. Becky14:03

       so flailing. Now, I'm gonna go over what I think is your role here, but please, Kelly, know that having lived through this myself, I can only do this some of the time, and the times that I can't, I repair and I find my child after. So take of this what works and know that nobody can do this all the time. First thing is when a kid like this has a massive meltdown, even if it's not violent, I truly, truly believe that they have to be taken to their room, key, with you. This is not a timeout. This is not a punishment. Why? If you think about what's going on in a child's body, a set of feelings feels so explosive, and then it ends up feeling so expansive. It's as if this feeling that feels awful is then taking up so much space, and moving a child with you into a smaller room is a deep message to their body that their feelings can be contained. That's what we need to do for these kids. We don't extinguish the fire. We wanna contain it, and bringing our child into a smaller room with us acts as a message of containment before we do anything else. Now, to be clear, your child will not like this. They will not say, "Thank you, Mother, for your sturdy leadership." No, they will protest and say, "No. No, don't do that. I'm fine. I'm fine." Don't take the bait, and here are some words: "My number one job is to keep you safe, and right now that means me and you going into your room where it's smaller and there's less around us." That tone and that pace is really important. You can hear in me there's no wiggle room. It's also not mean. It's not scary. It's just clear that I am taking on the role of sturdy leader because my child is out

12. 15:33 – 18:46

    Staying present through “get out”: core message is “you’re not alone”

    1. BEDr. Becky15:33

       of control. This is not a negotiation, and it's not a punishment. Then I get into the room and I close the door and I sit with my child, and this is when Tate says, like my kids do too, "Get out of my room. Get out." Don't take the bait. These kids are out of control, and what kids who are out of control need more than anything else, when kids are in that I-am-actually-scared-of-my-own-feelings state, they need a parent who can disconfirm that those feelings actually are so awful, and how do we disconfirm that? How do we give our child the message that these feelings are survivable? Basically, one thing and one thing only, our presence, and nothing fancier than that. There's a few more things I'll share, but your presence and staying in the room says to your kid, "These feelings that feel like they're attacking you and that fly out of your body and feel so terrifying are manageable. They feel awful to you, and the only way you'll learn to regulate them is if you slowly absorb what I'm showing you, that we can get through this." And here's more language, and you'll hear the same line: "My number one job is to keep you safe, and right now safety means me sitting in your room with you. Why? Because I love you and you're a good kid and you're having a hard time. You don't have to like having me here. I am staying here." It's what these kids need. They need to know that they're not terrifying you. If they are, then they only escalate more in the moment, and they escalate more the next time because they feel their feelings have actually scared away their sturdy leaders. Now, let me come back to the realistic part. You won't be able to do this sometimes, and you won't be able to stay in the room, and you can always say, "I won't let you scream at me like that because my ears are ringing, and that means I'm gonna step into the bathroom for a minute and take a deep breath, but then I'm coming back." There, you've kind of taken care of what your own body needs, right? If you can stay there, you're not colluding. You're not reinforcing. You're giving your child a very, very deep, very important message that they are a good kid having a hard time, not a bad kid doing bad things. [gentle music] Here's one more thought about how we can manage those moments when our kids say, "Get out." I know I generally am a big proponent of staying in the room, right? And asserting that we need to be there and we love our child. There are some moments when we as parents say, "Oh, my goodness, maybe my child doesn't need us right there." Here's the general idea. We want to infuse our presence to show our child they are a good, lovable kid in the moments they are totally dysregulated. If being in the room doesn't feel right to you, sure, step out, but stay by the door. Whisper to your child. Say, "I'm right here." Maybe open the door and pop in your head and say, "I love you. I'm right outside." The idea is that our kids need our presence, but of course, you're the expert in your family, and do a version of that that feels right to you. [gentle music] Our final caller is Olivia. [phone ringing]

13. 18:46 – 19:56

    Caller 3 (Olivia): handling grandparents who respond to tantrums with dismissal

    1. SPSpeaker18:46

       Hi. My question is about how to interact with other adult family members who are, you know, grandparents, for example, who do not approach things in the same way as you, right? So, like, let's say my toddler's throwing a tantrum, whereas I, you know, I'm practicing, "I see that you're upset. You really want to have the piece of chocolate. We're not having that right now." Whereas a grandparent might, you know, we'll [laughs] see them throwing a tantrum and, "Oh my God. What is this? What's going on?" You know, "There's no reason to be upset," or, or just kind of like all of the things that we grew up with as kids when they were our parents that we are trying to not repeat with our own children now. How do you work with that? Because, you know, I don't wanna make them feel wrong. They're only doing what they know. But I, I also don't want to tell them what to do because I'm sure that maybe you can discuss how to [laughs] self-reflect on that. [laughs] But how do you talk to them about doing things differently, especially when they just really do not understand what it is that we're trying to do?

14. 19:56 – 24:32

    Boundaries with family: invite curiosity, require cooperation, keep authority

    1. BEDr. Becky19:56

       Olivia, this is such an amazing question and something that comes up over and over and over because so many of us, we're cycle breakers in that we are kind of the pivot point intergenerationally. Things were handled in a certain way, and we're the ones saying, "I don't know about that" or "I'm gonna do something differently." And as a result, there's friction with the people that came before us. So the word that comes up for me in your question is boundaries. How do we handle boundaries with our family of origin, and how do we talk about things that feel tricky in a way that hopefully can still be respectful and also still gets our needs met? It is okay to talk to family members about how you would like them to approach your kids if they're approaching them in a way that feels wrong or damaging to you, right? So I think that the tricky thing is figuring out, is this someone who wants to learn, and they're open to being curious and wanting to know more about why we do the things the way we do? Or is this someone who's really not so curious and has pretty strong ideas and is not open-minded? And I think we handle those two scenarios differently, and I'll walk through how. So here's how I would start. We always want to start assuming we're on the same team, right? The m- that's actually the only way we ever get anything to change with someone. So here's what I would say. Let's say it's to your mother, your mother-in-law. I'd say, "Hey, you know what I'm thinking about? I know you're watching," uh, let's say your son is Rafa. "I know you're watching Rafa have a hard time sometime, and he has," we'll call it a tantrum, "and I have a feeling for you the way I'm handling it feels really different from how you would handle it. And actually, I, I think I just wanna substantiate it. It is. I'm not shutting it down. I'm not sending him to his room. I'm not saying pull it together and then you can join the family." And there's kind of two things around that. Number one, I have reasons why I'm doing that, and number two, I guess the thing I'd like to hear from you is whether you're curious to hear more about that. Are you actually curious? I could show you a video. I could show you this article. I'm following this person on Instagram. You could follow her too and see, you know, what you think, and then we could talk about it. Are you curious to learn more about why we're doing things the way we are? Or are you just kind of watching me, thinking, "Ooh, she's really got it wrong"? And if that's the case, I'm still gonna do what I'm doing, but I'm probably just gonna ask you not to comment so things can be consistent for Rafa, right? So what am I doing there? Like, in a very respectful way, I'm just trying to figure out, is this someone who wants to learn, or is this someone who's pretty judgmental? In which case, I'm not gonna ask them to engage, but I am going to ask them to respect the way I do things. For all the parents listening, I find it very empowering to say to myself, "I am the pilot of my family's plane." I am the pilot. I used to be a passenger. I used to be a passenger on my family's plane. Not anymore. I am the pilot. And in that model, my family of origin is kind of on my plane. Th- they're part of my passengers right now. And it's really important to embody that authority, and I think in the way I modeled it, that doesn't have to come off as rude or aggressive. But I would say the first step is kind of aligning on this difference. The second step is really assessing, do you wanna learn more? Are you actually curious? Not from a place of proving me wrong, but a place of being open. And if you're not, then I'm gonna ask you to keep your ideas to yourself. The final thing I'll say about this is that remember, you don't have to get your parents' approval to parent the way you want. And when we realize we don't need their approval, but we actually just need their cooperation with the way we're doing things, we have so much more freedom in our interactions because we can tolerate the disagreement or the difference of opinion. [gentle music] Olivia, I also think it would be really helpful for you to kind of take a deep breath and just give yourself some credit. Being a cycle breaker is so hard and it is so exhausting. You're kind of pivoting the direction for future generations, so give yourself some credit, right? Remind yourself of how strong and brave you are to be doing things differently. And actually, that reminds me of just getting through tantrums in general. It is exhausting to get through a tantrum. Me, with my own kids, I don't find those moments

15. 24:32 – 28:16

    Three takeaways + closing: self-talk, problem lens, and owning your approach

    1. BEDr. Becky24:32

       enjoyable. I don't feel energetic after. I feel exhausted. This all feels hard because it is hard, and that's really important to remember when it comes to tantrums. [instrumental music plays] Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. One, there are so many strategies out there for dealing with tantrums, and yet what's more important than any script or trick is how to talk to yourself so you can hopefully stay as calm as possible during your child's tantrum. Remind yourself over and over, "Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with my child. I can cope with this." Two, whenever we're in the mode of thinking, "How do I get my kid to stop doing blank?" We can shift to, "My kid is doing blank. What's going on for my child that they would keep doing this, and how can I take a different approach so it's me and my child against a problem instead of seeing my child as the problem?" Three, there's actually something similar between dealing with our kids' difficult moments and dealing with family members' judgment of our parenting approach. In both situations, we need to really hone in on what we believe and remind ourselves that the only person's approval we need is our own. It's okay if your kids disagree with the decision you're making, and it's okay if your parents disagree with your parenting approach. Remind yourself in both situations that you're the pilot of your family's plane, and you know what you're doing. [instrumental music plays] You may have noticed that our second caller, Kelly, took my Deeply Feeling Kids workshop. This is by far my most popular workshop to date. I outline strategies for helping kids who don't seem to respond so well to so many of the strategies that are often put out there. They hate talking about their feelings. They say, "Go away" when you know they need you the most. They escalate quickly and have a really hard time calming down. There's nothing wrong with these kids. They just need a different approach. That workshop and many others can be found at learning.goodinside.com. [instrumental music plays] Thanks for listening to Good Inside. Let's stay connected. At goodinside.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider, my weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram, drbeckyatgoodinside. Good Inside is produced by Beth Rowe and Brad Gage, and executive produced by Erika Belsky and me, Dr. Becky. Please rate and review our show. Let us know what you think and what resonated. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, "Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside." [instrumental music plays]

Episode duration: 28:31