Rethinking Consequences in Parenting

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Consequences in adulthood vs. consequences in parenting

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. When my child becomes an adult, there will be consequences if my child acts in certain ways. Like you said, there are consequences at work. There are consequences in relationships, of course. Here's the thing I struggle with. I hear this a lot from parents. How am I gonna teach my kid that there are consequences to their actions if I don't actually parent them with consequences

2. 0:30 – 1:01

   A better goal: teach skills that create control over actions

   1. BEDr. Becky0:30

      to their actions? I don't really have a response to that as much as I have a different question. Do we want to teach our kids there are consequences to your actions, or do we want to teach them there are skills you can learn so you have control over your actions? If you think about an action, it's a moment. A consequence happens after. A skill to manage whatever a motivation would be for an action

3. 1:01 – 1:31

   Why focusing on ‘before’ moments is more effective than reacting after

   1. BEDr. Becky1:01

      happens before. I'm just one for efficiency. I, I always think wouldn't I rather focus on the moments before my child's actions so I can have impact on what they do, rather than kind of assume that, yeah, I guess they're gonna behave how they do, and then they have to learn there's consequences? Here's the other thing about focusing on consequences. Focusing on the idea that teaching kids there's consequences to your actions is going to change their actions assumes this. Right before

4. 1:31 – 2:01

   The myth of the pause: consequences don’t drive behavior in reactive moments

   1. BEDr. Becky1:31

      my child hits their brother, they're gonna pause and think, "Ooh, if I hit my brother, I will lose TV tonight. Ooh, I really do want TV, so I am going to not hit my brother." I just don't think that's how the body works, 'cause I can speak to this myself. I know in the moments where I'm not proud of my action, I am not in a place before where I have some access to mindfulness, and

5. 2:01 – 2:32

   Adults as proof: actions come from dysregulation, not lack of consequences

   1. BEDr. Becky2:01

      awareness, and forward thinking, and cause and effect. No, I am in kind of reactive mode. Why do I yell at someone I don't wanna yell at? Not because I'm thinking, "Oh, I guess there's no consequence to yelling." No way. I'm not thinking of a consequence. I'm reactive. I have a feeling. I have an urge, and I don't have the regulation skill to manage that feeling or an urge, so the urge collapses into an action. I want to teach the next generation of kids

6. 2:32 – 3:03

   Teach regulation skills so consequences become less likely in the first place

   1. BEDr. Becky2:32

      every skill they need to manage their big feelings and big urges so they're in a place where they regulate those feeling and urges so they don't convert into an action, so they don't get the consequence in the first place. You know what's better than my kid knowing there's consequences if they don't speak respectfully to their boss? Is recognizing that they're angry at their boss, recognizing that they feel overworked, validating those feelings to themselves,

7. 3:03 – 3:33

   Workplace example: replacing ‘don’t yell’ with emotional and communication skills

   1. BEDr. Becky3:03

      then coming up with a plan. "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna set a meeting with my boss. I should talk to my boss about this proactively, and my boss needs to know how much I've been working. My boss needs to know what I need. I'm going to do that." Guess what? There's not gonna be a consequence to my child yelling at their boss because the yelling's not gonna happen because they learned the skill they need to have in the first place to avoid that action. I also think of course kids are gonna know there's consequences to their action. It's not that I'm saying they're not. It's just that knowing there's a consequence

8. 3:33 – 4:03

   Bottom line: kids will learn consequences anyway—skills are what change behavior

   1. BEDr. Becky3:33

      to your action doesn't change the likelihood of that action happening. What changes it? Skills, real skills. The more we teach a child the skills they need for life, the more control they will have over their behavior in life. Why is it so hard to find reliable answers to parenting questions? How is it in 2022 parents still search on Google

9. 4:03 – 4:53

   Good Inside Membership promotion: resources and community support

   1. BEDr. Becky4:03

      for answers from strangers? Well, now there's a better way. Introducing the Good Inside Membership, an expert-guided, community-powered platform redefining modern parenting. In our library, you'll find hundreds of bite-sized videos, articles, scripts, and workshops tackling the trickiest parenting topics, and it doesn't stop here. We've created a private community guided by me, Dr. Becky, and coaches trained in the Good Inside parenting method. Here, you can ask questions, connect with other parents, or attend a live event on a topic that matters to you. This is the parenting handbook that doesn't exist. This is parenting advice at your fingertips, where you need it, when you need it the most. This is Good Inside Membership.

Episode duration: 5:13