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Good Inside with Dr. BeckyGood Inside with Dr. Becky

Revisit - How Dare You Speak to Me That Way

This is a repeat of an earlier episode. What happens when you want to do things differently than how you were raised and yet the people who raised you are intimately involved in raising your children? Is it more important to hold boundaries with your extended family or should you focus on other strategies? In this conversation, Dr. Becky talks with a mom about this exact situation. Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/3zfUxQm Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast To listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategy Today’s episode is brought to you by Airbnb:  Let's be honest, parenting is expensive, especially around the holidays. If you’re traveling over the holidays and have an empty home consider making a little extra income by becoming a host on Airbnb. Every little bit helps, especially during the holiday season! Being an Airbnb host means that you are providing another family with an amazing experience and it's a great way to earn some extra money for all the different things you wanna do. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb dot com slash host.

Dr. Becky KennedyhostUnnamed Momguest
Jan 7, 202550mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Reframing “disrespect” as emotional skill-building with firm, safe boundaries

  1. Dr. Becky reframes New Year’s resolutions as “manageable moments,” arguing that realistic, small commitments build momentum and reduce shame-driven overwhelm.
  2. The episode challenges the usefulness of labeling kids’ behavior as “disrespect,” suggesting a more effective frame is that children are having a hard time and lack skills to manage big feelings.
  3. They explain that kids often show their biggest emotions to the adults they feel safest with, and that what looks like “more respect” with others may actually be more fear or less emotional safety.
  4. Practical guidance emphasizes boundaries as actions parents take (“I won’t let you hit me”), paired with validation and redirection to help kids wire internal self-control next to aggressive urges.
  5. The conversation highlights why punitive strategies—especially the silent treatment—can create shame, people-pleasing, and emotional suppression, and adds a racial-cultural context: Black parents may feel heightened urgency to teach “respect” for real-world safety while still keeping home a safe practice space.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Replace perfection-based resolutions with “manageable moments.”

Small, specific commitments (e.g., 5 minutes of connection twice a week) create success experiences that build capability and momentum, instead of triggering the same overwhelm that resolutions often produce.

Ask “Is this frame useful?” before calling behavior ‘disrespect.’

The label “disrespect” often pushes parents into power struggles and punishment; viewing the same behavior as skill deficits and dysregulation better supports the long-term goal of self-control and healthy relationships.

Kids act “worse” with the safest adult—an inconvenient sign of trust.

A wider range of behavior often shows up where children feel safest to fall apart; the parent who sees the most dysregulation is also positioned to coach the most critical life skills.

Pair firm boundaries with connection to wire self-restraint next to urges.

Statements like “I won’t let you hit me” combined with “You’re a good kid having a hard time” teach that urges can exist without being acted on, building the circuitry for future impulse control.

Translate extreme words as needs, not literal truths.

Phrases like “I want a new mom” or “I’ll slap you” commonly signal “I feel awful,” “I feel powerless,” or “I need impact”; responding to the need reduces escalation more effectively than debating the words.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

We set goals for ourselves that frankly are unrealistic. Not unrealistic because we're not capable, unrealistic because they're based in some idea of perfection rather than in an idea of reality.

— Dr. Becky Kennedy

If we look to our kids to feel worthy and respected as people, we're gonna lose.

— Dr. Becky Kennedy

The more desperate the word, the more desperate your plea is to be taken seriously.

— Dr. Becky Kennedy

You know, the silent treatment truly is, is psychological abandonment.

— Dr. Becky Kennedy

Our reactions to our kids' big feelings become their reactions to their big feelings.

— Dr. Becky Kennedy

Manageable moments vs. unrealistic resolutions“Disrespect” as a lens vs. developmental skillsFast-forward fears (age 5 to 25) and coaching mindsetFear-based compliance vs. true self-regulationTranslating kids’ extreme language into underlying needsBoundaries as parent actions (not child compliance)Silent treatment as psychological abandonment; shame wiringPower, autonomy, and safe ways to feel impactfulRacial context: protecting Black children while preserving emotional safety at home

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