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Good Inside with Dr. BeckyGood Inside with Dr. Becky

“She Can’t Play With Us!” and Other Tricky Friendship Moments

Unpopular opinion: It’s okay for our kids to like some kids better than others. After all, we want them to grow up into adults who can build meaningful relationships, which requires recognizing why they connect with certain people over others! Of course, we also want them to be kind, inclusive people. So, what’s a parent’s role in helping kids navigate tricky social situations? In this week’s episode, Dr. Becky talks to three parents about challenging peer dynamics—from leaving someone out on the playground to disliking a family friend’s daughter. She explains why curiosity is the most valuable social skill, and shares practical strategies on how to model it. Remember: We want to teach our kids how to think, not what to think. Join Good Inside Membership: http://www.goodinside.com Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Want More? Check these out: When Your Kid Is Rejected - https://youtu.be/dCLTSquTwDU When Your Tween Is Rejected - https://youtu.be/evPwe1sEh6k Why Won't My Kids Listen To Anything I Say? - https://youtu.be/Rb7FSL1y3Oo Deeply Feeling Kids Need a Different Approach - https://youtu.be/WQNM5EyDtKE Motherhood Doesn’t Have to Be Martyrdom - https://youtu.be/ywJMtRHzqFY

Dr. BeckyhostParent 1guest
May 10, 202228mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Helping kids navigate exclusion, preferences, and tricky peer dynamics kindly

  1. Dr. Becky reframes parents’ role in kid friendships as being a long-term “thought partner,” not a fixer who delivers one perfect script.
  2. She emphasizes teaching kids how to think about social situations—pausing, getting curious, and gathering “data”—rather than telling them what to think.
  3. The episode normalizes that it’s okay for kids to prefer some peers over others, while still holding boundaries around unkind or exclusionary behavior.
  4. She offers concrete language shifts from “shutting down” children’s statements (“That’s not nice”) to “opening up” conversations (“Tell me more”) to reduce shame and improve regulation.
  5. Parents can use dry runs/role plays and proactive boundary plans to prepare for predictable conflict during playdates, school, or friend-group gatherings.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Prioritize the relationship over the perfect advice.

The durable win is your child continuing to come to you about friendship stressors. If you stay curious and nonjudgmental, you become a safe place to process peer dynamics over years—not just solve today’s recess issue.

Teach kids to pause and wonder before they conclude.

Model curiosity (“Huh—tell me more… then what happened?”) so children practice collecting information and noticing feelings. This builds flexible thinking instead of snap judgments like “They don’t like me, so I’m done.”

Allow preference feelings; coach respectful behavior.

It’s developmentally normal for kids to like some peers more than others. When you permit the feeling (“Something about him doesn’t feel good”), you can then coach skills that prevent it from turning into cruelty or avoidance.

Replace “shutting down” with “opening up.”

Responses like “That’s not nice” often create shame and reduce disclosure. Open-up language (“You must have a reason—let’s figure it out together”) increases honesty and makes problem-solving possible.

Make adult decisions about group events without shaming.

Party invitations can be a parent-led values call (e.g., inviting most of the class means not excluding two), separate from whether your child feels close to every invitee. This keeps kids out of the “bad kid” role while maintaining family standards.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

I would ask us to all take that on as a goal because the best we can hope for is that our child continues to come to us as a thought partner to think through the situations that will always be tricky, and that also alleviates some of the pressure we put on ourselves to kinda say the right thing.

— Dr. Becky

I really wanna teach my kids how to think, not what to think.

— Dr. Becky

We can't regulate feelings we don't allow ourselves to have, and kids are always asking parents if it's okay to have certain feelings.

— Dr. Becky

What's the main point? We want our kids to be aware of how their body feels around different people. That's really adaptive in the long run.

— Dr. Becky

I think one way of summarizing this, Becky, 'cause I always like kind of quick phrases to hold onto, is let's replace shutting down with opening up.

— Dr. Becky

Parent as thought partner vs problem-solverTeaching “how to think” in peer conflictCuriosity and nonjudgmental debriefingFeelings vs behaviors in inclusion/exclusionSaying no kindly and setting boundariesBirthday parties, playdates, and fairness decisionsRole plays, dry runs, and parent self-regulation

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