Skip to content
Good Inside with Dr. BeckyGood Inside with Dr. Becky

The Cost of Compliance for Our Kids

We often think of “good” kids as those who listen and follow rules, but what if constant compliance comes with a long-term cost? Dr. Becky talks with Dr. Sunita Sah, author of *Defy: The Power of No in a World that Demands Yes*, about rethinking defiance, the downsides of over-compliance, and helping kids balance cooperation with self-respect. Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/4fSxbzk Your Good Inside membership might be eligible for HSA/FSA reimbursement! To learn more about how to get your membership reimbursed, check out the link here: https://www.goodinside.com/fsa-hsa-eligibility/ Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast Thank you to our sponsor Hot Wheels. Check out our full series with Hot Wheels at hotwheels.com/challengeaccepted Thank you to our sponsor, Airbnb — because during the holidays, it’s nice to love your family *and* have your own space. Find your getaway or host your home at airbnb.com/host Thank you to our sponsor DREO. Check out the DREO Baby Humidifier at https://bit.ly/3WtcliS and use code Becky20 for 20% off. Ever feel like you love your kid but don’t really *like* them right now? Join Dr. Becky’s live workshop, “Why Is Everything a Battle?”, on Wednesday, November 19th, to learn why your “resilient rebel” acts the way they do—and get real strategies to make power struggles easier. Visit goodinside.com/defiance At Good Inside, we’re shifting the narrative - away from instinct and toward education - because parenting isn’t something that just comes naturally. And the first step to real, cycle-breaking change? Understanding yourself—and the patterns you fall into. I’ve said it before: every parent has a pattern. But have you ever stopped to ask… what’s yours? Take the free quiz at goodinside.com/better to discover your parenting pattern.

Dr. Becky Kennedyhost
Nov 11, 202535mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 2:10

    Power struggles with kids: Rethinking “defiant” as a label

    1. BK

      If you're a parent, you know this moment. You look at your kid after making a simple request, and they just say, "No." Or they escalate and say, "You can't make me." You're just trying to brush their teeth. You're just trying to leave the playground. You're just trying to have a simple transition moment of getting out the door, and instead, it is a power struggle. And then maybe you start telling other people, "I have a defiant kid. My kid is so defiant." I love thinking about this word defiance. And look, as a parent of three, I know these moments. They are so inconvenient. They are so exhausting, and I think a lot of us also think, "I would have never done this when I was a kid. I was terrified of my parents. I really felt this pressure to be good." You're going to love this conversation, and it's going to turn on its head so many of the things that we tend to accept as true. I'm talking today with Dr. Sunita Sah. She's a professor at Cornell, and she wrote the book Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes. Together, we rethink defiance and compliance, and we give you some totally new tips that you're gonna find really helpful in your everyday life. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. [upbeat music] Hi, Sunita.

    2. SS

      Hi, Becky. It's wonderful to be here.

    3. BK

      So happy to have you, and honestly, it, it, it's just so rare that someone I'm talking to has written a book about the word essentially that I think I'm asked about most from parents, right? "Oh, my kid is so defiant."

    4. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    5. BK

      "I have such a defiant kid. Why is my kid having this need to defy me all the times?" And so I'm just so excited to take so much of what you wrote here, and I know it's not just about the parenting world, but there's so much overlap in how you think about defiance. And so tell me, let's just start with the title, Defy. You wrote a whole book about this, and you really redefine what it means, too, or give us a new framework. So let, let's jump in there.

  2. 2:10 – 4:00

    Sunita Sah’s origin story: A “master class in compliance”

    1. SS

      Sure, absolutely. Well, I mean, I've been so fascinated by what that single powerful word defy means for, like, so long, and it was really because of the way that I grew up, which might sort of account for [laughs] why I went to, into research into this, in this particular area. And, um, like, I was raised to be good. Like, in fact, my father, when I was little, he told me that my name Sunita means good in Sanskrit.

    2. BK

      Huh.

    3. SS

      So I mainly lived up to that. I did what I was told. Um, I went to school. I did all my homework. I did what was expected of me. I even had my hair cut the way my parents wanted me to, right? I was good, and these were the messages that I received not just from parents but from teachers, the community. What does good mean? It means doing as you're told, listening to other people, pleasing other people, being polite, obedience. And so I really started to equate being obedient and compliant with being good-

    4. BK

      Hmm

    5. SS

      ... and defiance with being bad, and we know that defiance has this negative connotation, so the parents that are writing to you that, yeah, basically saying, "I don't want my kid to defy."

    6. BK

      Yes.

    7. SS

      And a- as children, we get so much training in compliance-

    8. BK

      [gasps]

    9. SS

      ... you know, that w- essentially I, I had a master class in compliance growing up. And then when I got older, I began to sort of realize, as I delved into the research, that there's some real problems with this. I mean, in my own life, I, I did what was expected of me. I became a physician. That was my first career, largely due to expectations. And, um, I'm now an organizational psychologist, which I love, and w- if you look at the research, sometimes it is bad to be so good.

    10. BK

      Hmm.

  3. 4:00 – 5:48

    The real-world cost of silence: When compliance becomes dangerous

    1. SS

      So in medicine, for example, there was a survey that found that on average, nine out of 10 healthcare workers don't feel comfortable speaking up when they see their colleague or a physician making a mistake.

    2. BK

      Ooh.

    3. SS

      So they're situations you want people to be speaking up, you know? Another survey of over 1,700 crew members on a commercial airline, about half of them don't feel comfortable saying something when they see a mistake. So it can be these life-and-death decisions, but even if they're not, if you're constantly doing what other people tell you to do all the time, and you don't develop the skill for defiance, it can create some real problems, um, as you become older.

    4. BK

      There's so many directions I think we can go in, but I think those are such amazing practical examples of where anyone listening would say, "Please speak up. I'm sorry there's an issue on the plane. I'm sorry you see someone making a mistake on another human's body. Speak up." That makes sense to speak up, but I think what's so powerful to kind of zoom out on is, well, of course it makes sense to speak up when someone's making a medical mistake, but if nine out of 10 people wouldn't, where does that come from? Because it must mean that for so many of the early years of our life, it was adaptive to kind of smile and go along with things and almost ignore a signal in your body that was probably saying-

    5. SS

      Exactly

    6. BK

      ... "I'm not so sure about this."

    7. SS

      Right.

    8. BK

      "I'm not so sure about this," and that kind of difference between an internal signal and what you imagine or really is the demand of your environment, um, leads us to, to kind of get into those habits, even play them out in a life-or-death situation.

  4. 5:48 – 6:26

    Stage 1 of defiance: Noticing the body’s tension signal

    1. SS

      Yeah, absolutely. That internal signal, first of all, is really important. I actually call it that's the stage one of defiance, right?

    2. BK

      Hmm.

    3. SS

      And it can manifest in different ways in people. Like, so some people will feel sort of unease in their stomach. Some people will feel a dry mouth. Other people will get a headache. So it's different for every person, but it is a signal, and what's unfortunate is that- A lot of people try to sweep it away, that, "Oh, this isn't worth my anxiety, it's not worth my doubt. The other person probably knows better. I'm not going to say anything in this situation," or, "I'm not going to do anything." I also discovered in my research

  5. 6:26 – 9:10

    Insinuation anxiety: The hidden force that keeps us compliant

    1. SS

      a powerful psychological force I call insinuation anxiety, and this is a distinct type of anxiety that people feel, um, when they become concerned or worried that saying no or rejecting somebody's advice and not following their s- suggestion indicates that they don't trust the other person.

    2. BK

      Mm.

    3. SS

      So it, it sort of implies that the other person is untrustworthy, incompetent, or there's something wrong. They don't wanna give a negative evaluation to someone else. So when we think about anxiety and all the things that we feel when we have anxiety, a lot of people, uh, might be familiar with, um, social anxiety-

    4. BK

      Yeah

    5. SS

      ... or performance anxiety, where you're worried about how you are going to be judged. Insinuation anxiety is kind of the reverse. It's like, "I don't wanna give a negative signal to someone else."

    6. BK

      Huh. So is insinuation anxiety like, "I don't want this doctor to think I don't trust them"?

    7. SS

      Exactly.

    8. BK

      "I don't want this doctor to think that I don't think they're a good doctor," or I'm thinking parenting, um, someone asked me to be on a committee. Let's say I just know I have no time to do this. I don't want them... I, I don't wanna make it seem like the committee's unimportant or... Right?

    9. SS

      Right, right.

    10. BK

      And so, and then does that lead us to shut down that first feeling?

    11. SS

      It leads us to comply. It keeps us silent, and it leads, le- leads us silent and compliant-

    12. BK

      Oh

    13. SS

      ... when we would rather say no. And so it is a very powerful force.

    14. BK

      Mm.

    15. SS

      And, you know, it, it is there for a reason. We want harmonious relationships. We don't want to be implying that the person next to you is stupid, inconsiderate, you know, your boss doesn't know better. It- we don't want to be sort of sending those signals out too much.

    16. BK

      Mm.

    17. SS

      But sometimes if we only think about the person that's standing right in front of us, we miss the bigger picture.

    18. BK

      What's really interesting about that, if I, if I track it from what you're saying, is let's just say that it is someone asks me, "Hey, do you wanna be on this committee? We are really looking for another person." And the first signal in my body is, "Becky, like, you already feel run to the ground. You have this other committee you're doing," or maybe I'm not, but whatever. The season of my life does not allow for this, and I have this first stage, like you said, the first stage is tension.

    19. SS

      Yes.

    20. BK

      And then maybe through this insinuation anxiety, I think, "Oh, Sunita, if I say no to her, is gonna think that I think her committee's stupid," or something like that.

    21. SS

      Or unimportant.

    22. BK

      Right, or unimportant.

    23. SS

      Yeah, I think.

    24. BK

      What's really interesting about that is I'm taking my signal in my body and kind of making it about what you might think-

    25. SS

      Right. Right. [laughs]

    26. BK

      ... instead of taking my signal in my body and thinking about what it means in terms of what I think.

    27. SS

      Exactly.

    28. BK

      [laughs]

  6. 9:10 – 11:04

    Stage 2: Acknowledging tension and clarifying what it means for you

    1. SS

      Exactly, right? So we're missing, like, s- the stage two of defiance is really acknowledging that tension to ourselves-

    2. BK

      Mm

    3. SS

      ... and figuring out what does it mean. What does it mean for me? You know, why am I actually experiencing the tension? What is the conflict between what I really want to do and what is expected of me?

    4. BK

      And so let's just go with this example. The acknowledgement might be, "Hold on a second. I have this gut feeling," or, "I have this butterfly feeling," whatever it is. Let me take a moment and just wonder what it's about, and maybe my brain's saying, "Sunita's gonna be so mad, and she's not gonna wanna be friends with you, and, you know, sh- I don't wanna make her think her committee's unimportant." But then, because I know these steps, I say, "Hold on. What does this just mean? What might be going on for me?" Because I'm probably not having the signal in my body because I think Sunita's committee is unimportant. Like, no, it might have something to do with me.

    5. SS

      Right.

    6. BK

      And then I might think, "I wonder if this signal is telling me this is just not the season to commit to that, you know, committee."

    7. SS

      Right. It could be you're feeling overwhelmed that day, and you've been feeling overwhelmed maybe for a long time.

    8. BK

      Yeah.

    9. SS

      And this is not something you can take on and do well, or maybe you just don't have the skill set for it, right?

    10. BK

      Yeah.

    11. SS

      It could be, "That's a fantastic committee, and so and so would be really great on it. Wouldn't be great for me." So there's a lot of reasons why we could feel that way, and I do wanna distinguish between, like, just having an emotional reaction, uh, to it to sort of feeling this den- tension between what somebody else expects and what you think is the right thing to do.

    12. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    13. SS

      So that aspect of really holding up that tension to the light rather than a knee-jerk reaction, but thinking about, "Why is it that I feel so uncomfortable? What is this telling me?"

    14. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    15. SS

      And so really connecting with what it means for you.

    16. BK

      Yeah. Okay, I like to complete things, so I'm counting the stages of defiance so far. So there's tension.

    17. SS

      It is-

    18. BK

      There's acknowledgement.

  7. 11:04 – 13:14

    Stage 3: Vocalizing—using small phrases to interrupt automatic yeses

    1. SS

      Yes, to yourself. The third stage, which is a really critical stage, is, um, vocalizing to somebody else.

    2. BK

      Mm.

    3. SS

      And the reason this is a, a critical stage is because the research shows if you can get to this stage, you're more likely to get to the end stage of defiance, right?

    4. BK

      Ooh.

    5. SS

      And there's a couple of reasons for that. The main one is if you tell someone else that you're not comfortable with this, then you can't go back in time and say-

    6. BK

      Oh

    7. SS

      ... "Oh, yeah, actually it was fine. I think I could do it," right? Uh, you'll have too much cognitive dissonance. So that's why it's really great to, to say something. And then also if you say something, you've changed the environment around you. Even if it's something like, "I'm not comfortable with this," or, "Could you tell me more?"

    8. BK

      Oh.

    9. SS

      Or ask for some clarifying questions, you can still be in a subservient position at this point. You could just have some of these scripts in your back pocket like, um, "I'm not entirely sure. Let me get back to you." You know, taking a pause is really great.

    10. BK

      Yeah.

    11. SS

      But just getting that, to that point where you're not complying immediately.

    12. BK

      Yes.

    13. SS

      You're just basically saying, "Tell me more. Tell me more about this," or, "I'm not quite comfortable with this."

    14. BK

      I- it's one of the first things I say when parents tell me, "I'm always saying yes to things when I know internally I wanna say no."

    15. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    16. BK

      And like, what should I say in the moment? And I, I always say, to expect yourself to go from saying yes immediately to having some beautiful script as a way of saying no, like no human can do that. Buy time. Buy time. I'm gonna... Just one line in your head, "Let me get back to you."

    17. SS

      Yes.

    18. BK

      "Thanks for asking. Let me get back to you." Because time can allow us to do some of those next steps.

    19. SS

      It's time and physical presence. If you can take some time away from the person in, in front of you, then you can see the bigger picture. You can see how it's gonna affect you, your family, other people that you might not even know.

    20. BK

      Yeah.

    21. SS

      So rather than a nurse just thinking about how the physician's going to react, you can think about the patient and the larger environment. So there's a lot of things with having both physical distance or maybe even psychological distance if you can't get away, to get yourself that distance from the person asking.

    22. BK

      Ooh, I love that. Okay, and then what are the final stages?

  8. 13:14 – 15:00

    Stages 4–5: The threat of non-compliance and the final act of defiance

    1. SS

      So, um, stage three is that vocalization. Stage four is that this is now where you're going to say you can't comply. It's your threat of non-compliance. It's just say, "I can't, I can't do it." And sort of just sticking to that rather than being like burdened down to going back to stages. I used to hover between stages two and three a lot in my life-

    2. BK

      Uh-huh

    3. SS

      ... you know? And then try and dismiss the tension and go back and forth. So it's not always linear. You can jump as well. Like, if you're defying, um, for someone else, like, uh, definitely I learned to defy a lot when, uh, it was for my son, because I found it easier to take responsibility in those g- you know, and not maybe follow completely the doctor's order. Maybe I'll get a second opinion, you know. I would like to wait. I don't wanna jump into that. So sometimes it's easier to defy for someone else. But stage four is that threat of non-compliance, and then stage five is the final act of, of defiance. It's implementing it. And what's wonderful about that stage is that if you can get to that stage-

    4. BK

      Mm-hmm

    5. SS

      ... and actually follow through, that tension that I mentioned right at the beginning in stage one-

    6. BK

      Ugh

    7. SS

      ... that dissipates.

    8. BK

      Ha.

    9. SS

      It melts away. So you're, i- it's actually more joyful, more honest. It's more authentic. You are sort of living in alignment with who you are-

    10. BK

      Yes

    11. SS

      ... and your values and what you can manage. So it's really important to learn that skill, because if we don't, if we think of defiance, if we think of saying no as being such a negative aspect of ourselves, we are just gonna continue to comply, and in the end, let other people down. It's not always the safe option. So let me, um, talk about like some of the different definitions a little bit.

    12. BK

      Yeah, great.

  9. 15:00 – 18:13

    Compliance vs consent: Why freedom to say no is essential

    1. SS

      So when I talk about compliance, like what do we mean by compliance? Compliance is something that's externally imposed, so something that somebody else wants, an order, a suggestion, or maybe even society's expectations, right? It's something that's coming from outside-

    2. BK

      Mm

    3. SS

      ... us that we're complying with. Having done medicine, I love contrasting compliance and consent and-

    4. BK

      Mm

    5. SS

      ... uh, how, how they are actually different, because in medicine we have informed consent. And for informed consent, you need five elements. So first of all, capacity. You need to have, um, the competence to do it, so you're not under the influence of alcohol or drugs. You're not too sick. Then you need to have knowledge, so you need to be given information, um, about the decision. So you need to be informed. But it's not enough just to get the information. You need to understand it. So that's the third element, a thorough understanding of the risks, the benefits, the alternatives. And then the fourth element is the freedom to say no, because if you don't have the freedom to say no, then it's merely compliance. It's not consent. And if you have those four elements, then the fifth one is your authorization, which is either what I call a true yes, which is consent, or it's your true no, which is defiance. It's-

    6. BK

      Yeah

    7. SS

      ... and both of those things, consent, dissent, or defiance, are something that's internally driven.

    8. BK

      Yes.

    9. SS

      Something that's a thoroughly considered decision based on your own values.

    10. BK

      Yeah. A- and I th- th- it's really helpful. And I think just for people listening, right, and we'll talk about kids next, that when you say no to somebody, right, you, you are often saying yes to yourself. Like, I-

    11. SS

      Yes. Exactly

    12. BK

      ... know I can't commit to this committee, and so I guess I'm saying no to Sunita, but I, I'm also really saying yes to myself. Because if I say yes to Sunita, I, I'm, I'm def- in some ways I'm acting in defiance or I'm saying no to something that actually feels really important to me. And I think so many of us were brought up, especially as girls, to do that all the time. We are so well-practiced, we are expert in saying no to the things that we might want for ourselves, and we are so good at noticing what the world wants of us. And this framework tries to, you know, help us take steps to, to rebalance that.

    13. SS

      Absolutely. Uh, I mean, this is why, uh, [laughs] I really got involved in this research, is why do we find it so difficult to say no? And especially, like, a lot of my experiments I've done in the US, also in the UK, so they're two countries that pride themselves on independence and free thinking and agency, and yet even in really simple experiments, people comply at shockingly high rates.

    14. BK

      Huh.

    15. SS

      So when I talk about distance, in private they choose, like, what they truly want.

    16. BK

      Yeah.

    17. SS

      But in public, under pressure, they're doing something very different.

    18. BK

      Yeah.

    19. SS

      And the results are really quite dramatic as to why are we doing this. And a lot of the time it's that we haven't been trained in how to defy. We find it awkward. We find it uncomfortable. We find it confrontational. And so if we haven't learnt how to do it, we end up saying yes a lot. We end up saying, either being silent, being compliant, and getting ourselves in situations that we would rather not be in.

  10. 18:13 – 21:53

    Parenting lens: The ‘good kid’ vs ‘defiant kid’ myth (and why compliance can be risky)

    1. BK

      I think that's right, and it is something I talk to a lot of parents about, because- A lot of families, especially with multiple kids, right, they'll say, like, "This is kind of my defiant problem kid," and some version of, "Why can't this kid be more similar to his brother, his sister, who's always so good?" And, right? And I think this idea of, like, a, especially a good girl, I was that, too, growing up.

    2. SS

      Yes.

    3. BK

      No longer.

    4. SS

      [laughs]

    5. BK

      Um, watch out. Um, but all we're really saying is it's like a coded way of saying compliant to external expectations.

    6. SS

      Right. Exactly. I mean, what do we mean by good? Oh, she does, she listens to her parents so well.

    7. BK

      Right.

    8. SS

      And she, she did everything that I asked her to.

    9. BK

      Right.

    10. SS

      And, you know, she's looking after other people. She's... Yeah, all of these things mean good, means compliant.

    11. BK

      Yes.

    12. SS

      And what does it mean to be defiant? Well, [laughs] you know-

    13. BK

      Yeah

    14. SS

      ... that could also be good. If everybody else is being mean to a particular child, are you going to be the one that says something, you know? Especially, like, children, they care about kindness. They care about fairness. It's not like they don't know their values and what's important to them. So how can they feel more comfortable in those situations to act the way that they would hope to?

    15. BK

      And look, I think this, it's so easy to think about it in terms of extremes. Do we want our kids sometimes to take care of other people? Of course. Do we want our kids to listen to us sometimes? Yes, we do, right? Um, and so no one has to be one extreme or the other.

    16. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    17. BK

      But I think what's interesting, and you and I are both kind of stories of this, is we worry a lot more about our kids who are defiant than our kids who are good and easy.

    18. SS

      Right.

    19. BK

      Right? But one of the things I always say to parents is I don't know any parent of older kids who says, "Oh, my 25-year-old daughter, she is so compliant. She listens to everything people say."

    20. SS

      [laughs]

    21. BK

      "I'm so proud of her." Like, nobody's ever said that. You're like, "Oh, that's so creepy. What?"

    22. SS

      Yes, no.

    23. BK

      You don't even want that in your 25-year-old. Her boss put her in an uncomfortable situation, and she said, "No problem." Like, obviously-

    24. SS

      Yeah

    25. BK

      ... we'd want our kid at age 25 to be able to notice their discomfort-

    26. SS

      Yes

    27. BK

      ... and to say, "I trust this enough to do something about it." But that ability isn't gifted to someone at age 25. It's not like, "Here, here you have it. Now that you're out of my house, [laughs] here you go."

    28. SS

      Now, yes. Yeah.

    29. BK

      Right? And so sometimes, a- and I don't wanna be fear-mongering here, but sometimes I worry, I don't wanna say more about, but I worry equally at least about the kids who I'm told, "That kid's never had a tantrum. That kid's never put up a fight about a decision." Never? Right? That you want your kid, even if it's inconvenient when they're younger, and we both know as moms it is-

    30. SS

      Mm-hmm

  11. 21:53 – 25:15

    Why childhood ‘inconvenience’ protects teens: consent, pressure, and safety

    1. BK

      And I think this is where some of those inconveniences of childhood pay off in spades, right? Because I like to paint a vivid picture. This is the reality. Like, imagine your now, I don't know, 20-year-old daughter, let's say, in college, and she's at a bar. Someone's approaching her, and they're having a nice conversation, maybe a little flirtatious, and then things kind of, quote, "escalate." Like, "Hey, come home with me." Right? She doesn't know this person.

    2. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    3. BK

      It feels exciting, and let's say there's this tension in her body of like, "I don't know about this."

    4. SS

      Yes.

    5. BK

      And one of two circuits activate. One is I've gotten really, really good at having tension and turning it off-

    6. SS

      Mm-hmm

    7. BK

      ... and instead looking to someone else and doing what they seem to want of me.

    8. SS

      Yeah.

    9. BK

      Or I have learned to tune into that tension, honor it enough to be curious about it-

    10. SS

      Yes

    11. BK

      ... and prioritize some of, you know, that feeling, even if it might be in opposition with what someone wants of me.

    12. SS

      Yeah.

    13. BK

      And when parents say to me, like, "Are you saying that the childhood experiences someone has, like, that relates to that moment?" And I was like, "I would bet my life on it. Like, 100%-"

    14. SS

      Right

    15. BK

      ... "it's the same circuit."

    16. SS

      It's the same, and it d- you don't even have to be waiting till you're 25, right-

    17. BK

      Exactly. [laughs]

    18. SS

      ... to have these negative... Like, uh, I, I was speaking to a teacher, um, a middle school teacher that was telling me all about, like, um, the eighth graders went on a trip. The year before, they had problems with what was being said on group chats, and so they did some of the exercises in my book. You know, what's a line that you wouldn't cross, or what's a time that you acted in a way that you wish you hadn't?

    19. BK

      Yeah.

    20. SS

      And it was all about, like, you know, "I didn't speak up in this group chat-"

    21. BK

      Oh.

    22. SS

      "... even though it got really terrible. Um, the mob mentality that happened when we went-"

    23. BK

      Yeah

    24. SS

      ... "on the school trip, I was part of that. I got into serious trouble." And it's why. Why are these things happening? Because it's difficult to speak up and say something in situations if you've never been taught how to do it.

    25. BK

      That, that, that's exactly right. And so, you know, uh, I think about my own kids. I have three kids, and one of them is just more oriented than the others to kind of notice the environment and kind of what does, what do other people want of me. We actually had this conversation the other day, and we were talking about that and just having an honest conversation. That could be an amazing thing, and that is a superpower in a way, and all of our superpowers can end up working against us, too. Because as we tune in to what people want of us so much, we can start to really tune out to the signals our body is giving us. And I think that's my kid, if I think about all of them, where that kid does need a little prompting. You know, "No, you don't have to switch seats at the table right now even though your sibling is whining, 'I wanted that seat.'" No. Like, by the way, if it was a different kid who's very tuned into themselves, I'd be like, "We're gonna switch your seat, okay?"

    26. SS

      [laughs]

    27. BK

      But this kid, this kid needs help from me helping keep that seat, you know, defying a little bit.

    28. SS

      Right. Right. Right. And all of those things and the way that we sort of parent for compliance and parent for compli- uh, defiance is really important because those lessons stay with us.

    29. BK

      Yes.

    30. SS

      And we remember them, and we remember how our parents act too.

  12. 25:15 – 26:21

    Balancing extremes in families: shifting the ‘defiance/compliance’ distribution

    1. BK

      That's exactly right. And I think one of the things, you know, one of my favorite programs in our app is about these strong-willed, classically labeled defiant kids, and they often do happen in families where there is this kind of very good, compliant... There's like a binary.

    2. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    3. BK

      And I think one of the things that's interesting is that one of the things the defiant kids often need to, in some moments at least, be a little more cooperative in a way that often works for them, 'cause sometimes the defiance works against them, is the other sibling to take up a little m- more-

    4. SS

      Mm-hmm

    5. BK

      ... of the defiance space.

    6. SS

      Right.

    7. BK

      You know? And it's almost this paradoxical intervention of family. It's like wait, the problem in the family isn't the defiant kid, it's the compliant kid, and neither one has to be the problem. But the problem is that your kids are so extreme. You have 100% defiance [laughs] and 100% compliance. Let's-

    8. SS

      Let's-

    9. BK

      ... rejigger.

    10. SS

      Yes.

    11. BK

      Let's rejigger-

    12. SS

      Absolutely

    13. BK

      ... the percentages.

    14. SS

      Yes.

    15. BK

      I'd love to get practical. I know there's people listening here. What's like in your starter pack? Like, let's say there's a starter pack for people, even in adulthood-

    16. SS

      Mm-hmm

    17. BK

      ... not just with their kids-

    18. SS

      Okay

    19. BK

      ... but probably for themselves, maybe like little acts of defiance. Like, how, how can you start?

  13. 26:21 – 30:47

    Starter pack for learning defiance: mindset shift + small rehearsals (coffee story)

    1. SS

      Yeah, how can you start? Well, the very first thing I would say is have a mindset shift-

    2. BK

      Ooh

    3. SS

      ... of what we think about what defiance is. Like, we often think about defiance as being loud, bold, and aggressive, for rule breakers.

    4. BK

      Ah.

    5. SS

      And if we start thinking like that, you know, I was like as a ch- as a child and even like as, as a, a young adult, like, you know, defiance is for other people. It's not for, uh, it's not for me. And that is really thinking of defiance as a personality trait, and it's actually just a skill, and it's one that-

    6. BK

      Ooh

    7. SS

      ... we can learn. So having this mindset shift, we can defy in a way that's natural to us, that represents a skill. It doesn't have to be loud. Like, there's ways to be quietly defiant, where we can live in alignment with our values-

    8. BK

      Ah

    9. SS

      ... without having to be aggressive about it. So having that mindset shift, it's not loud, it's not aggressive, and also it's not just for the extraordinary or the superhuman.

    10. BK

      Ugh.

    11. SS

      You know? Um, it's not out of reach. It's actually available, and it's necessary for all of us to, to learn. It's a skill. It's not something that, uh, is a trait. It's a practice, not a personality.

    12. BK

      So someone doesn't have to be, "Okay, I guess I have to be a defiant person now," like no.

    13. SS

      No. You can choose to be compliant one day and defiant the next day. So that is really, really important. And then how do we get there, the practical aspect? It's practice because we have been so practiced in being obedient. Kids are in the thick of being obedient. [laughs] And we have really strengthened those neural pathways. How can we obedient, be obedient? How can we be compliant? So now what do we have to do? We can start off with those small acts of defiance, and we don't need to get it right every single da- time. We can just start rehearsing. So, um, when you get asked to be on that committee, you can just say, "I'm gonna take some time to think about this. Let me get back to you." So taking a pause, that aspect, I call it the power of the pause-

    14. BK

      Yeah

    15. SS

      ... is just learning about that. Then having a few scripts. If somebody is saying something that you feel uncomfortable with in a conversation, then you could just say, "What do you mean by that?" I love that, that sentence. Um, I f- I remember very clearly, and I can tell you about this, my mother, who was a very compliant person, she used that sentence once, and it has stayed with me for so long.

    16. BK

      Awe.

    17. SS

      So I can describe that to you-

    18. BK

      Yeah, please

    19. SS

      ... in a minute. But, um, these small acts of defiance, even just practicing, for example, um, if you get the wrong coffee order, like saying something about it. You know, you might not think these are particularly defiant acts, but they make a difference, and they sort of get you rehearsing. It gets your mouth used to saying those words and your ears used to hearing it. Because if we don't practice, we're never gonna change those neural pathways.

    20. BK

      You're talking about the coffee makes me think about a story I wanna share too.

    21. SS

      Oh, yeah. Wonderful.

    22. BK

      I was traveling for work a little while ago, and I got a coffee in the airport. And I wanted just a little bit of milk in my coffee, and so I was pretty, you know, direct. I said, "Hey, you know, could I, could I get a medium coffee, just a little bit of milk? I like it pretty dark." Right? So I get my coffee, and it looks like mostly milk and very little coffee, right? Very, very light, and I just know I'm not gonna drink it.

    23. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    24. BK

      I don't like it like that. It's not what I asked for. So I got back in the back of the line, waited a couple people, and then I was up. I said, "Hey, all good. I know you're taking a lot of orders. Um, my coffee came out very light. I'd asked for it dark. Could I get a new one?" And the woman behind the counter said something like, "Oh," like, "No problem. Yep, I totally remember you saying that," you know, gave me a new one. Um, and I shared this story on Instagram, and it was one of those moments, there's certain things I'll share in a story on Instagram, and the number of DMs that come in let me know like, oh, I've hit something.

    25. SS

      Yes.

    26. BK

      And it was just that.

    27. SS

      Yeah.

    28. BK

      It was, oh my goodness, I totally would've been angry, resentful, complaining to someone, "Oh, I didn't even have coffee today."

    29. SS

      Yeah.

    30. BK

      Or, you know, I would've drank that coffee and, you know, I'm kind of lactose intolerant, been awful stomach ache-

  14. 30:47 – 35:55

    Role-modeling defiance: Sunita’s mother confronts racism—and the ripple effect

    1. SS

      Anxiety, yes. It's a small act of defiance that's actually very helpful. It might seem like an individual act, but it's actually a communal act. Let me tell you about the story of my mom, 'cause I think this is so important in a way that we can role model for our children. And I have heard so many stories now from people telling me about when they once witnessed their parents defy and how it stayed with them.

    2. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    3. SS

      And it really has this ripple effect. So my mom, um, she to me was like if... At one point I thought of compliance and defiance as two binary things, and now I've reason- like, now I know it's like a scale, right?

    4. BK

      Yeah.

    5. SS

      It's, um, a series of steps. But I had put her very neatly in the compliance box. She did all the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything, and that can leave people thinking, "Oh, this is what goodness looks like," you know?

    6. BK

      Yes.

    7. SS

      "This is what we should aspire, like, to be so good." And she was quiet. She was deferential. She was conflict-avoiding, very kind. She was also quite petite, you know, 4'10". And I remember one day we were walking home from the grocery store in West Yorkshire, England, and she was dragging behind her, um, our rickety shopping cart, like, just looks like, you know, wheeled luggage, that had our groceries in it. And we decided to take a shortcut through a narrow alley, alleyway. Um, we call it a snicket in West Yorkshire. [laughs] And I was always told never to go in the snicket on my own, but we were together. We wanted to take the shortcut, and we went down it, and we were confronted with a group of teenage boys. And they blocked our path and shouted out some racial things and said, "Go back home." And my reaction was instant. Like, I just did what I'd been taught to do: say nothing, avoid conflict, keep the peace. And I grabbed my mom's arm, and I just wanted to sort of maneuver as fast as possible through the boys. But she didn't move. So my mother, who always kept her head down, she did something completely different. She stopped, and she looked at the boys directly in the eye, and then she said, "What do you mean?" And my heart started to race at this point, and I grabbed her arm even tighter, and I was basically saying, "Come on, Ma." And she said no to me, and she shrugged off my arm, and she pulled up the shopping cart up vertical, and she put one hand on her hip. Like, and to me, she was, like, taller than I'd ever seen her, you know? Still only 4'10", but-

    8. BK

      Yes

    9. SS

      ... somehow, like, she, she just seemed-

    10. BK

      Taking up space.

    11. SS

      Yes. And she turned to the boys again, and she said, "What do you mean?" And they didn't answer. They were just completely silent.

    12. BK

      Wow.

    13. SS

      And she looked at them, and then she said, "Oh, yes, you think you're so clever. Big, strong, tough boys, right?" And I was just thinking, "Oh, God." And it was still silent, and the boys started looking at each other, and then one of them said, "Let's go," and they just dispersed. And she grabbed the shopping cart, and she just walked forward. And I was thinking, "What just happened?" I would never have thought that she could behave in such a way that she would be telling off these, these boys in the streets. And it made such an impact on me that it taught me that defiance isn't a personality, it's a skill set. We can choose to use it or not. And even the most compliant person can surprise us. The person you think are the least likely to defy, they may... They can completely surprise us because they've been quietly practicing.

    14. BK

      They, they have it in them.

    15. SS

      Yeah. So you don't need to be a certain type of person to defy. You just need to be connected to what matters.

    16. BK

      I, I really love that, and thank you. So many of us, yes, have had those missed opportunities. Your book allows us like a roadmap from going from all the missed opportunities we've all had to some of these small acts and kind of taking those steps. So thank you. I love this conversation, and thank you for the really important work you're doing. I don't know about you, but my number one takeaway that I'm going to keep thinking about after today's conversation is how we look at our kids' behavior when they're growing up. There is some behavior that is short-term convenient: compliance. It's easy to have a kid who's compliant, but long term, so many of the things we want for our kids involves them being a little defiant, and so that's what I'm going to be thinking about. Okay, let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground and place your hand on your heart. [upbeat music] And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you next week. [upbeat music]

Episode duration: 35:55

Install uListen for AI-powered chat & search across the full episode — Get Full Transcript

Transcript of episode KH-v-Mf_6G0

Get more out of YouTube videos.

High quality summaries for YouTube videos. Accurate transcripts to search & find moments. Powered by ChatGPT & Claude AI.

iOSAndroidClaudeChrome